'Twas the Night Before Hammond..

For some reason, I feel an unusually high level of excitement for this next trip...and quite possibly, the last trip of 2012 for the Poker Monkey. At 8am, Idiot #1...Kai Landy, will board the Hummer from Hell of Claudia 'The Claw' Crawford...who has added a few other nice nicknames to her mantra the last few weeks...and they will come pick up me, Idiot #2...who will then leave for New Orleans and meet up with Idiot #3...Barth Melius. We will then depart for Chicago, by way of Atlanta...for an pleasant 4:15pm arrival. No more limo there to meet us. Called to confirm today, and find out they inadvertently scheduled my pickup for Nov. 9th. Um. No...that would be OCTOBER 10th!?? And wait...I'm going to Hammond, Indiana...not downtown Chicago. And that's a problem?

For the record? Hammond is a shorter distance from Midway airport than downtown Chicago. Which is why when they told me the price was going to go from $87 to $215, I laughed and said "Cancel, please!" Why the sharp increase? No clue. But who cares? We can get a van taxi for about $60-$70. Or maybe we will all just decide to rent a car. Not that it will get all four of us and luggage to our hotel...but whatever. Not going to let one little hiccup slow us down!

I want to say how proud I am of my wife. I got down to their benefit for the late Billy Bridges at about 1:30 on Sunday...and they already had a great crowd there. The Bounce House was a real hit...kids everywhere. They always have all-you-can-eat crawfish on Sundays...so it was pretty busy for that too. I brought Carley, and almost never saw her until we were ready to go home at around 6pm! She was being passed around by all of Squirrels friends and co-workers at the Beau. She's quite a popular little girl! Squirrel worked the table practically the whole time. The night before she was up baking cookies and brownies...and sold them all. When it was all said and done...she was there from 8am till 11pm...they raised just a little over $2500 for the Bridges family. I talked to his brother Tony when I got there...and you could tell he was really shaken up by the whole thing. It's hard to have that conversation, because what do you say? I tried to give him something positive, but its always hard. Felt really bad for the poor guy. But I think the day might have given him some hope and let him know how much everyone cared for his brother and him. I know I really married a good woman, that's for sure.

So tonight, as if death hasn't visited our doorstep enough this year...she is in the middle of giving Carley a bath, when I watch her face go pale. What is it? She just found out that the guy she dated in high school...and almost married, had just died of a heart attack. He was 44. I mean, I'd heard all about this guy, Brad Wilkes. About what a crazy, drunken psycho he was. But she kept going back to him...for some damn reason. Finally she snapped...left him, and that was it. When you're from a small town like she is...I guess those people never totally leave your life. I wasn't sure what to say to console her...or if it was even necessary. I tried to imagine if my ex-stripper girlfriend Hannah from Atlanta were to suddenly just drop dead what I would feel. Wasn't really able to come up with anything concrete. Pretty sure I know how Squirrel would treat that news. ;)

Human beings continue to show me their jackass side this week. Oh, and to the fuckhead who keeps leaving (anonymously of course, because isn't that what all spineless weasels do? Speak behind the veil of anonymity?) me your ridiculous comments? If you think ANY of what you said in those two messages does anything but make me laugh? You should try saying it to my face...so I can show you in person just how insignificant and irrelevant you are. But you won't. And your 'hoping you're the one who busts me in the Main Event in Hammond' statement? This might be silly of me, but I think it warrants me pointing out that you first have to BE in Hammond to play in the Main Event. Not behind some desk, in a cubicle at your insurance company trying to sell another policy. Or hassling that person for their premium payment that is 3 days late.

No, what I'm actually alluding to (not the previous troll) are the piranhas out there who are coming to the feeding frenzy that is the breakup of my friends Gabe Costner and Claudia Crawford...like a bunch of, well...piranhas. Only...the way they are doing it, is by swimming up all calm and nonchalant like dolphins. 

Oh there are those who are falling hook, line and sinker for the version of Claudia that Gabe posted on Facebook last week sometime...and deciding in their minds that she is this village whore who is bouncing around from bedroom to bedroom. Now...a lot has transpired since that Facebook post...and I would like to think Gabe regrets putting that 'out there' in  Musemeci/Marafioti-like ambush style...but that certainly has seemed to be the popular way this year to end relationships. The 'ol Sherman March through Atlanta way of terminating an affair. Magical.

The fact of the matter is, Claudia is not a skank, or a whore. If she was, for one thing...my wife would NEVER be her best friend. Secondly...and without getting too personal about things between her and Gabe...she REALLY loved that guy, and tried like hell to make it work, for a LONG time. Things just built up...over a relatively long period of time...and she finally had just had enough. It's not like she didn't anguish over her decision. She did. I'd heard them on their card nights (when I was in my room watching football or something) over here talking about it. It wasn't like a big 'pile on Gabe' thing either. We all like Gabe. We think he might have a few bats in his belfry...but we like him! Bottom line...the relationship ended due to the relationship not functioning. And Claudia is still young, and decided to start over. That's it. So you mealy-mouthers out there...seriously? Why don't you give it a rest? You know...you can learn a lot about a person, not by what others say about you....but what YOU say about others. It's a clear reflection.

And as for those clowns...and you know who you are....who are texting her before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers (that is an analogy, not being literal, they weren't married) offering yourself to her 'if she needs someone to talk to?' Do you really NOT think she doesn't see through your sad, pathetic attempt to get into her pants? It's not only offensive, but you should be embarrassed, and must really not give her credit for being more intelligent than a pickle. Well, she IS smarter than a pickle...and you are only being laughed at. It's called timing, fool, and yours sucks! But I bet you are the same guy telling everyone what a whore she is...then turning right around and HOPING its true! Guys like you haven't changed since high school. And likely never will.

So yeah...sorry, but that is me taking up for a friend. And we HAVE actually had some 'I'm there for you if you need to talk' moments out on my back porch. Or at the bar on Sunday during the benefit. Because unlike most of your dorks, I don't have any ulterior motives.

Moving on. Those new Geico commercials? Where they have those two guys playing (or just holding onto) guitars...and asking how happy people are that they switched to Geico? As happy as a slinky on an escalator! As happy as a body builder directing traffic! As happy as....you get it? I don't which ones I hate more...those...or those fucking Free-Credit-Report.com commercials...>ANY OF THEM...over the past five years. If I ever see that guy in public, you know...fluky as it would be...I might just as a reflex punch the guy in the throat. It wouldn't be premeditated, or even...well....it would just be like...WHOA...did I seriously just break that Free Credit Report.com's guys trachea? Holy shit!??

The Saints finally won.

There still is NO hockey...and its looking more and more like there could be another lost season.

The NBA is about to start. Anyone care?

LSU lost. That makes three games they've almost lost this year. As much as I hate that team, and as happy as I am to see them lose...all that being said? I fully expect them to beat South Carolina at home this weekend. But I won't be sad if they lose again either.

As predicted my Huskies got murdered by Oregon. I knew we would. I can't believe they even put us in the Top 25 last week. Nice for recruiting purposes though, I guess. It's looking more and more like an Oregon vs. Alabama National Championship. Won't hate that either. 

Why does my wife have such a hard time understanding why I like to pack in the morning before I leave? I mean...it takes me like 10 minutes. Maximum. Whenever we go somewhere together, she starts packing like two days in advance. Won't let me go to bed until I pack. And then if I don't, packs FOR me. It doesn't really irritate me or annoy me, I guess its kind of cute. Maybe since she doesn't travel as much as I do, she is just fired up about it. It's no big deal to me. I just like doing everything at the last minute I guess. 

So today, I'm on my way to the bank...got Carley in the baby seat...dogs in the back...its a nice beautiful sunny day. Behind me in an older man on a Harley...with the gray facial hair. I've always known most guys on Harley's to be nice guys. Oh...not this guy. You know how there is a two lane road...and there is that car trying to turn left up ahead? And you know they are going to sit there forever trying to turn? Well, I am that nice driver, who will slow down...flash my brights, and let them know they can turn in front of me. So I do that for this person,  they wave the 'thank you wave' and what happens? Harley guy behind me goes berserk. Honking his horn, waving his arms, flipping m the bird. My dogs start barking at him. I tell them good dog, good dog. And then just ask myself..."why in the hell...would you freak out about something like that?" I mean...was he in a hurry to get to the red light? We were in pretty thick traffic...and were about 200 yards from a red light...and he is going ballistic. What is wrong with people? Maybe he just caught his wife in bed with a guy who owned a Porsche.

I don't know who is going to win the World Series. I don't even have a hunch. And frankly...I don't even care who wins. I guess I'd like to see two teams with tiny payrolls and fans thirsting for a winner. Like Baltimore vs. Washington would be fun. Or Baltimore vs. Cincinnati. New York vs. Cincinnati would bring back old memories. I don't know. Still a long way to go. But I know one thing...that ONE and DONE format for the first Wild Card game was a fiasco. That has GOT to be best of three or don't even waste your time. 

I am excited for Hammond. I really am. That first event last year attracted a shade over 3000 players. Imagine winning that right out of the gate? Good gawd, I might just turn around and come home! Yeah right, who believes THAT one!?? Good turnouts. Good structures. Soft fields. Great cash room. Decent SNG area. Yeah...fired up. And going with 3 really good friends? Pretty good recipe for a good trip. Can't wait.  The only downside...is that I am REALLY going to miss Carley...and my wife. Things between us since I got home from Shreveport have been really great...and I hate having to leave her. But having her best friend with me should (I hope) help alleviate any of those 'feelings' a wife has when her husband is on the road. 

Carley and I have been forming this amazing bond when Squirrel is off at work every day (earning very little but keeping us in  the health insurance!) and its amazing how much she changes and grows and learns every day. Being away from her for even 12 days is SO hard.  It really is amazing how much having a child will change your whole perspective on life, and those around you. Walking into the room and watching her face light up...and that infectious smile spread across her face? It just fills my heart with joy. When she wakes up in the morning, and looks and my wife and I, and just smiles? We both just look at each other...and have that same exact feeling. It's incredible. Carley is without a doubt...the greatest thing I have ever accomplished. I don't even go out on trips anymore wanting to win for me. When I was in Vegas, playing in the Main Event...and getting deeper and deeper...I just kept thinking about her...what this money could mean for her. What my success could do for her. What me winning a bunch of money, and being able to STAY HOME...could/would do for her. I don't have expensive tastes. I don't want for much. I don't long for doing things I've never gotten to do. I fell like I've gotten to do almost everything in my life that I ever wanted to do. Now...all I want to do, is re-explore all the things in life that make life wonderful...but do them with Carley. And doing them with her, will make them fun for me again. I've basically been reborn with the birth of my daughter. More than winning any poker tournament...all I really want to win, is the respect and admiration of my daughter. That's why no matter if I win or lose in poker...the game for me is never over. It's really just begun.

See you (some of you) in Chicago!!!

MONKEY

Ready for Hammond!

Well...it's Saturday. Great slate of games in college football today, and the MLB playoffs have begun. Well, they didn't get off to a very smooth start, as Chipper Jones had his career possibly cut short by one of the worst calls I've ever seen in a playoff game.  What's up with all the horrendous officiating calls in sports? And in big spots?

Last year I did a thing where I picked games for shits and giggles. I was GOING to do that again. And probably would have...when I sat down at 10am to write this. But oh! No! Forget that. This week has been dominated by me setting up the new Dell I bought three weeks ago. To do this, I have to transfer a shit ton of info from my computer to the new one. Then...I always give Squirrel my hand-me-down...and this one, an XPS, was the nicest one she's ever been about to inherit.

So I think I've got it all finished and all of them set up. Put her current Dell in the office closet. Figure out right away that my new one is schizophrenic. It has a smaller keyboard, which right away I found annoying. But it has this glitch, where it kept hopping around the page, despite not hitting anything to prompt it to do that. I'm in an Excel file..and its just bouncing all over the page. Bout ripped my hair out. Sat down here to blog...and it kept deleting entire paragraphs just for no reason, or who skip all the way back up the page and land in the middle of a word in the middle of a sentence. So I'm blogging on my wife's new one....a.k.a. my old one. After three unsuccessful, rant-filled calls to Dell today, I'm sending the new one back. I just don't know what I'm going to replace it with. Maybe nothing. Maybe just go back to using my old one. Wait for Windows 8 to come out (very soon). Maybe switch to a Mac. 

Okay, enough of that boring shit. Sorry. Just venting mostly. Before I go any further, there is something I need the poker players and acquaintances here in the Biloxi area to know about. This wife of mine...she is a real sweet woman. There are a couple of young guys...I guess one of them works or worked at the Beau at one time. He has a brother...really nice guy, one of those guys who never really caught all the breaks in life...you know, sort of the underdog...but would always help anyone who needed a hand. I met this guy 5 years ago when him and his brother helped Cheryl move from her apartment into our current house. I won't lie, I didn't know him very well...but from all the posts I've read in the past three weeks on Facebook from all the people who did know him...he was a really great kid. Him and his brother lost their parents...and there were all each other had. So the bond between them was incredible.

Well...about 5 months ago, this guy...Billy Bridges, suffered a cut on his arm. Like a lot of guys do, he just tried to 'shake it off.' Hoping that as the days went by, and a scab formed...it would heal up naturally. And he thought it had.  It hadn't. He started feeling very sick. Finally, he went to the hospital. To make a long story short, he had suffered a bad infection. It spread to his heart, where it destroyed one of his valves. He had to get a valve transplant. He was in the hospital for weeks. Finally, they thought he was all healed. Again, he wasn't. He had another setback. Last month, the kept him in the hospital for three weeks, trying everything to fix the problem. I think I was in Bossier City when I got the text from Cheryl..."Billy died last night...I'm so sad..." And I thought about her and the way she had described him the week before. I didn't know the kid too well, but it made me sad too.  The next day, also in Bossier City...I got a text from my step sister in Washington State....letting me know that my 99-year old Grandmother Marie had passed away. Needless to say, it was not a real great weekend. Actually got that message in the middle of that Omaha tourney I ended up final tabling.

So, Cheryl, and a few of her friends have organized a benefit to help raise money to simply pay for Billy's funeral services. And they are also going to celebrate his life...try to put a positive spin on it. Just listening to her talk about him...and the posts I've read on Facebook, make me wish I'd known Billy better. Well, she is going down to The Filling Station, (click the link to see where they are located) which is a popular hangout that our friend Jerry owns (for about three years now) to help get everything set up for the day long benefit. They will have all kinds of food, raffles for prizes and gifts...and a (forgive me if this isn't the right term) jumpy bounce thing for the kids. I am hoping there isn't a weight and/or height restriction on that...because I might have to get in that thing and go mental. They have TV's at the Filling Station...so if you are worried about missing your NFL game...don't. If you a single guy looking to meet some single ladies, there will be a lot of them probably, from the Beau Rivage. So whatever your reasons are...if you are free tomorrow, get down there and see if you can't help the girls out with their benefit. I know that Carley and I will pack up the 4Runner about 1pm and go down there for as long as she will behave.

Speaking of Squirrel. Ya know, since she moved to dayshift to make for a better schedule with Carley, she has been making barely anything. Well, that is bad in itself. But then today...guess where she got to work again? Oh yeah...if you read my blog...you know. That damn penny slot section with the 28 busses of hood rats that the Beau Rivage brings in from Atlanta and New Orleans. I would love to sit down over a cup of lava with the manager that came up with this as a good idea. Yes. I said lava.

Did you watch the debate the other night with Curious George and Mitt the Mormon? It was, well...it was your typical debate, I guess. My biggest observation was that Mitt seemed like he'd tasted his first sip of alcohol or overloaded on caffeine for the first time before going on stage, and Barack seemed like he was riding the X-train...and no I'm not talking about ecstasy, but rather, Xanax. I spent most of the night looking at the top of his head. What the fuck was he looking down at? And you know how they put this tiny little ear devices in their ear? I just have to wonder if he was wearing one of those...to tell him what to say. Because the Barack I saw at the debate, and the Barack I saw at his little pep rally the next day in Denver, which was hysterically staged so that we conveniently saw nothing but whites and Hispanics with the occasional Asian in the crowd directly behind him...but not ONE black person....were like two different people. I just feel like Obama is one big creation by his handlers. Put him on a stage with not script and/or teleprompter and he just fizzles. I mean, lets be honest. Does anyone? Seriously...ANYone...really think this guy has a clue what he's doing? I saw what I thought was an excellent post by a guy I respect quite a bit the other day...below one of my Facebook posts. Thought I would share it. 

Tom Sullivan this is no exaggeration; If Obama came to me 6 years ago and asked for a job...I wouldn't have hired him. If Romney came to me and asked for a job...I would have immediately named him CEO, given him an equity position in the company, and sat on a beach. Is he a boring robot? Yes. Is he a good campaigner? Not even close. Does he know how to build things? Fuck yeah. Is he a brilliant man. Hell yes. Obama is merely a celebrity and a good campaigner. He's a delusional, incompetent liar who counts on our apathy, on our willful ignorance, and he plans strategies around it. He tries to figure out how much he can get away with because of it. He counts on the blind support of all who envy what others have. Obama is a liar. He purposefully positions his opponents with non-truths. 

 

He loves that blind faith democrats will just start shouting that Bush was a moron and Romney is an evil rich guy. The largesse of the media are so upset that they missed the social revolution of the 60's...they can't recover from the unfortunate reality that the timing of their birth denied them the right to have a direct impact on the civil rights movement. So...they decided to prove how valuable they are to the cause. They decided that it's more important to be a part of history (that being the election of Obama) than it is to see, at least, the lesser of many incompetents into the seat of power (the White House). The lion's share of the media convinced the lemmings of the populace to vote for a man who disdains much of what has made this country great. 

 

The talking haircuts...wait...the haircuts that know how to read TelePrompTers...were enamored by a man who can...you guessed it...read a TelePrompTer. And they mistake that for greatness...because...they mistake themselves for greatness. And that's all they do...they read teleprompters. They believe in their own pseudo-intellectuality. Meanwhile, people like us...who've built companies and employed hundreds of people (all of whom have healthcare)...we're just meant to keep forking over truckloads of money to pay for the needy (I'm okay with that) but also the lazy, the incompetent, the corrupt, the fraudulent and the illegal. And...we're supposed to be honored to do so...and we aren't "patriotic" if we don't do it with a smile on our face and a deep reverence for the beer-swilling pouch-bellied dingos in DC. 

 

I say this. Fuck you Obama. Drop dead Barney Frank. Eat shit Nancy Pelosi. And yes, Bush is a moron. It's his fault, as much as the medias, and the idiocy of the majority that voted for Obama, that we're In this ever-deepening shit/federal debt....a debt that Obama is determined to multiply innumerably. Do I want to hang out with Romney? Hell no. Do I think or know for a fact that he can manage the hell out of budgets. Fuck yeah. He's proven it. if you give a shit about your children's future...that's what you'd be thinking about.

 

 

I read that post...and was like..."You know, Tom...that pretty much nailed a LOT of things on the head as far as the way I feel about Barack and his position in our government. I sit here and watch these assholes email us asking for (excuse me MOOCHING) our contribution...and it hasn't just been for a few months, these pricks have been asking for money SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE! It's been a 4-year re-election campaign...all while our country has fallen deeper and deeper into debt, the wars in the Middle East have just gotten more costly and more confusing...and our unemployment rate has skyrocketed. Oh...yeah, I saw the jobs report yesterday. Claiming we added 107,000 jobs last month. I wonder...who puts out those reports? How are they determined? Let me guess...there is no WAY they could be influenced or manipulated to benefit, say...the sitting President...right? This coming on the heels of reading that this week, our own government, back in the late 50's, set up a blower on a rooftop in a shitty neighborhood in East St. Louis, and blew an experimental gas over the residents there...telling them they were testing a 'smoke screen' designed to confuse the Russians in the event of a bombing attack. Well, for the past 40 or 50 years...these people have been suffering from all kinds of different forms of cancer and dying like crazy.

 

This from the same country who made SUCH a big deal about Hitler gassing his own citizens and Saddam using chemical weapons against his own people. Yeah...our leaders aren't quite the 'saints' they'd like you to think they are. Ever heard of a place called Plum Island? No? Google it! It's incredible the shit our government has done to members of our own military, all in the name of gaining an edge on our foreign adversaries. I'm sure they would chalk it up to 'collateral damage all in the name of preserving our freedom.' Yeah, okay...right. I just call it good 'ol fashioned murder. But that's me. I'm silly like that. I think everyone deserves to live a life where they are afforded the same rights as everyone else. And doesn't end up in a research lab. Or on a battleship or destroyer being parked downwind from a nuclear test just to 'test the effects' of fallout from a predetermined distance. Yeah...nice, sorry about your hair loss and your failing internal organs sir. Thanks for your service. 

 

I am not making this up. Some of you likely read this story. Our OWN FUCKING government...experimenting on our own citizens. With chemical weapons (essentially). And I know that has nothing to do with Obama. (yet) But it makes me think about the UFO in Roswell, and a litany of other things...like the JFK assassination. I grew up loving the USA. I never questioned our leaders. I never doubted the direction we were headed as a country. I bought into the whole 'Freedom' and 'Patriotism' song and dance that we were taught as kids. But the older I get, the more I learn, the more I find out...I just get more and more cynical. Does anyone NOT want to trust their leaders? I don't think so. But I really think we are getting closer and closer to the day when our government just flips a switch and sends us spinning out of control into an existence that none of us will be able to defend ourselves against. And this scares the hell out of me. Especially with a new daughter. What kind of fucked up world is she going to grow up in?

 

So, who am I voting for? Shit...I have no idea. Why is it that we can't have a clear cut straight-shooting GOOD GUY who runs for President? Oh...yeah, I know why! Because our leaders are determined by who the party decides to prop up there as their candidate. It's all guided by money, and who can raise the most of it. It sucks. That bullshit we tell our kids? About thinking that even THEY can grow up to be the President? Horseshit. They have a better chance of being Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

 

Sorry...got a little carried away there. If I offended you...sorry. Sort of. 

 

Wanna talk poker? Don't really have much to tell you...other than I've been getting my dick kicked into the dirt playing on Lock. I don't know man...I just refuse to believe that ANYONE is capable of running good online using basic skill and strategy to succeed. Now if you have cheat software? Or have a way of knowing certain outcomes? Or can get 4 guys together to sit in on a 6-handed table and fuck people up? Yeah okay...maybe those guys can make a profit, even a living playing on line. Bottom line? Playing on line makes me want to punch things. And people. And break shit. And smash things. It's a joke. Then there is all the imbeciles attempting to talk smack. You know...I don't mind getting into with a guy if he is even half way decent at giving it back. But the ridiculous comebacks these clowns on line throw at you? It's like...that makes you even more angry and irritated.

So, last time I posted, I mentioned I was selling shares for the event in Hammond. Whoops. I woke up and had PayPal money already from 3 people and 6 emails from people wanting to invest. And then I had the ONE email I should have seen coming. While in Bossier City, I got a message from a 'certain person' expressing an interest in buying 'all of my action' for Hammond if I decided to go to Hammond. Well, to be honest, I wasn't sure this person was serious. Especially about ALL my action. So when I saw the email from this person, I felt kind of embarrassed, and a little ashamed. I should have completely floated the proposal to them first. My bad. So I fixed the problem...with kid gloves. After all...how many poker players out there would like to have this problem? Like...uh...most of you? But there certainly is no guarantee that ANYONE is going to stick with you for the long haul, so best not to burn any bridges for the future. So I was mindful of that as I notified everyone and let them know that this event was closed.

So...yeah. I'm going to Hammond. And coming with me...all on the same flight...is a real cast of characters. Claudia 'The Claw' Crawford...who is going through kind of a much-talked about breakup with longtime boyfriend/fiance Gabe Costner...and could use a little time away from the Biloxi scene....my buddy Barth Melius from New Orleans...who I last 'poker-ventured' with in Vegas last spring, and Mr. Landry...a.k.a. Lord Puddingsworth...will be joining us. I managed to get us all booked on the same flight...out of New Orleans on Wednesday around noon, getting us in to Chicago around 4pm...where I have arranged for a limo to pick all four of us up and take us to our hotel...where we have two rooms right next to each other. I'm psyched for this trip. Should be a lot of fun. The turnouts should be huge. Some run good would really hit the spot right before the holidays! We have dreamed up a little idea that I plan to videotape and run up the flagpole on YouTube and Facebook and here if it comes out as good as I think it might. Keep your eyes peeled.

LSU lost today at Florida. This makes me extremely happy. I get so sick and tired of listening to LSU fans talk their irritating smack. They should have lost to shittass Auburn last week, who got pummeled today by horrendous Arkansas. So just how bad does that make LSU? I don't know...they did KILL my Washington Huskies...which was just...well, football is weird. 

Speaking of my Huskies? They are about to probably get murdered by Oregon. So...I'm gonna wrap up this blog post...and go watch that game...while finishing up a little paperwork. Probably won't hear from me again until I'm up in Hammond...and God only knows what laptop I'll be working on!

MONKEY

Reporting from the Man Cave...Hammond Shares for Sale!

I am acutely aware, that when a week or more elapses without me making a blog post...there are many out there (concerned) who think I have done what some are perhaps hopeful (excited) I have done. Vanished. Quit. Died. Right? You know I'm right.

Well, the stone cold truth...is that I was feeling a bit irritated that I ended up my run in Bossier City in very discouraging fashion. First of all...I really did run pretty unlucky up there...for the 2nd year in a row. And yeah...I won a nightly, final tabled another one, and final tabled the PLO tourney early in the event, but for the most part, I would deem the trip non-successful. I was very hopeful that I would make some money for my investors. At worse, I thought I would be able to refund the 'Main Event' package buyers half their investment, when I wouldn't need to fire a second bullet.

Well...that went up in smoke with 20 minutes left in the 12th and final level of Flight A. All I had to do was sit there...not get in trouble, and come back with a 'decent' stack the next day. Well...it never seems to fail in Main events that I will pick up pocket queens at the most inopportune time. On this particular occasion it happened in a spot where I was sure I was good, and quite possibly about to double up with just 20 minutes left.

That same double could have come a few orbits earlier. Tyler Smith arrived at my table, and brought a small stack with him, below the 20k starting stack. I know what to expect. Raise, raise, raise, raise and raise some more. And almost always a min raise. And yes...that is what he did. I will almost always call a min raise. When in the small and/or big blind. Especially against a super-aggressive player...which Tyler is. And I know Tyler's m.o. is that when he is low, he just pounds on the table in hopes to grow his stack to an optimum amount. (in his eyes)

So he min raises. From middle position. Turns out he has J9. I had lost a semi-decent sized pot a couple hands prior to that, so my spending mood was somewhat tempered. Plus it was complicated by the button flatting him. In that min-raise vs. BB spot, I prefer to be heads up to improve my chances vs. any random two cards. Two or more players and it just increases the chances to take a nasty beat. So holding J5 off...I decide to cut it loose. Flop? Obviously...J-2-5...rainbow. He bets the flop, gets called. Bets the turn, gets called. Blasts the river...gets called again. Had I been in the hand...I'd have check-called the flop, probably check-called the turn, and then on the river...bet enough to pot commit him to his whole stack, and likely gotten called. He'd have been gone. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

But in the grand scheme of things...that play? Getting me all those chips? Would have just hurt that much more when I got the queens. Because, holding the stack I did...instead of just flatting the 3-bet raise by the guy who looked like a dead ringer for actor Fred Ward...

...with my pocket queens...I jammed all in. For 25k...with the blinds at 600/1200. Why you ask? It's a fair question. Tyler had raised once again....to like 2550. And the Dad from 'Road Trip' three-bet for the umpteenth millionth time...to 6500. What was I gonna do with 25k? Make it 14k? Flat 1/4 of my stack? This guy had earlier raised in early position to 1600 when it was 150/300. He got called by AK in the SB. I will just tell you what he had. DEUCES. Mr. AK checked the flop...missing. Fred there checks. Turn...AK guy bets big. Fred calls...with of course...just two deuces. AK guy bets big on the river...and snarling tough-guy dad-dude calls again. With just twos. It was good, obviously, and the guy in the 3-seat...the third such person to occupy that seat on the day, and whom had been warned by me when he sat down that he was in the 'seat from hell' finally relented:

"You know what Monkey? You might be right...this chair might be cursed. Holy shit! I've lost 3/4th of my stack since I sat here."

It was pretty much just the table from hell. This guy loved to three-bet, and most of the time you never saw his hand. But I saw enough of his hands to think my QQ was good as gold. It was good as gold all right. Fools Gold. He snap called and rolled over two kings. Oh! Really!?? Just kings? No shit? hmmmph! How nice! Shitballz. Well, as I mentioned...I'd have gone broke on a called raise anyway after the flop...or certainly on the turn...as the board ran out with nothing over an 8...so there was some solace in that. (I guess??)

I collected my shit. Then looked across the room to see where Flight B was now, level-wise. Level 5. Dammit. No small ball for this Monkey. Yeah, I could wait till the next day, and buy in...but only coming in with 12 BB's isn't too clever. They re-did the whole Main Event schedule this year. It's weird. They now start Flight B in the middle of Flight A...which undoubtedly diminishes the total number of entries. Not sure why they did this. Last year...Flight A started at 11am...played till about 5 or 6pm...and then Flight B started at 7pm. I really liked that. Then on Day 2 you wouldn't come back til 2pm...so those who had to play from 7pm til around 2am would get to sleep a bit. Why did they change it? I have no clue.

My biggest issue in Bossier City wasn't the structures. It wasn't the dealers. It wasn't the floor people. It wasn't the cocktail servers, or the massage girls. Or even (not getting carried away here) the other players...who are generally scary as hell up there. Nope...my biggest problem, with Horseshoe Casino in Bossier City...was the damn tent they made us play in. They did it last year, listened to everyone bitch about it...and had a FULL YEAR to make corrections. You know...like, augment and reconfigure the cooling system. Yeah...didn't happen. Same deal. Same setup. Same moans and groans. Same players trying to turn the slats on the A/C vents to control the air and make it hit their table...only to have 'The Captain' of the ship that never sails waltz through and turn them all back to their 'preset' position.

Is he trying to determine which way the cool air is flowing? I'll go with 'no where!'

Know what position that is? Okay...picture a big fucking tent. Rectangular shaped. Now picture a grand total of FOUR cooling vents on each side of this tent that is approximately 80 yards in length. The tent is shaped like a barn, you know? In an A-frame? So...now, I am not a scientist, or a physics major...or an electrical engineer...or anything like that. What I like to rely upon, is common fucking sense. It is my understanding that heat RISES. Yes? I believe that cooler air usually resides underneath hot or warm air. Hence...that same cold air would be likely to push the warm/scalding hot air up and OUT of the tent. Following me?

Hmmm. Maybe its just a simple case of them having the 'wrong' Captain manning the ship up there!??

So...can anyone explain to me why Captain Crunch thinks the correct setting for the air vents on the rather large outflow ducts would be to be pointing directly UP at the damn ceiling? If anyone was seen touching/turning the vents on the ducts...there immediately apprehended, blindfolded, thrown into a black SUV with blackened windows, whisked from the property and taken to an unknown location somewhere in the swamps of Louisiana to perform hard labor. No questions asked. Just...poof! Gone! No wonder the numbers declined so much during the second week of the event.

At least there's A/C in this beast...enjoy your ride to the Labor Camp!

Yeah so...that was really my biggest issue with the place. That and the amount of juice they are charging now. It's to the point of insanity. I know, they keep writing it up to make it sound like they aren't charging 'as much.' Picture the guy coughing into his hand while blurting out 'bulllshit!' A Main Event...where the prize pool contribution is $1500....cost $1675. The $1k event? $1125. $500 event? $580. The nightly $140!??? $95 into the prize pool! Is there a solution? Oh...I don't think so. Everyone is bitching about it. I mean...EVERYONE. But guess what they are going to do about it? The answer? Jack shit.

I kind of like to compare it to the oil companies amazing control over the gas market. They know we have to have it. They know we can't go without it. They know we will always bitch about it. But they won't do ANYTHING to NOT make as much as they possibly can. There is no government oversight...because so many politicians benefit from the oil industry. Well..the casino isn't going to hear your gripes. Pretty amazing how similar the two are, huh? The only solution is to start a whole new poker series. You doing that? No? Didn't think so. And if you did? Hmm...good luck getting the casinos to host your event knowing they are going to receive less in fees than they are getting from their current contractor. Bottom line? We are fucked! My only question? How much worse will the skull-fuckery get before you just feel stupid handing them your money at the registration counter? Well...stupid question. If you have a shred of common sense in your head, you already feel stupid, embarrassed even. How long before you simply won't allow yourself to set foot in the casino on the basis of how much (percentage-wise) of your payment is going to the house and staff?

What I find comical? Is how you will hear staff members bad mouth players who cash in a tourney and don't leave a tip. Hell, I used to be a HUGE proponent of tipping after winning or placing in the money in a tourney. But now? Holy shit...if you are playing event after event after event...and maybe min-cashing a couple times....bubbling or close to bubbling a few more...and logging major hours and busting without cashing in others? Its pretty hard to justify tipping any reasonable amount, knowing that this amount might actually cut significantly into your very thin profit overall. Variance in tournament poker was already brutal BEFORE the juicification of poker took over...now its just repugnant.

But I digress. No, I don't. I just felt like working 'I digress' into the fabric of today's blog. Tonight actually. So another reason I haven't blogged much this past ten days? I haven't felt like it. Pure and simple. Lazy? Maybe? Brain dead? Oh...very real possibility. I have not left my Man Cave since I got back from Tent City...other than a quick jaunt to Wal Mart to mingle with the crazies.

You know what I'm sick of? These stupid effing award shows...I mean how many are there? But what I hate the most...other than the awkward, rehearsed, stupid ass (what they think are) jokes they try to force on you. Ever been at a party (like, in high school) and someone not very popular tries to tell a joke...it bombs, and everyone kind of glances at each other with that pained expression on their face? Like that face you make to your wife...when, while visiting relatives, your brother's newest wife yanks out a breast in front of the whole family to feed her fussy 5 year old? Yeah? You know that face I'm talking about? Well...I didn't even tell you YET what I hate more than that stupid 'skit-like' moment before announcing the award winner.

What I wish would go die in a pasture strewn with old car parts, dead animals and downed aircraft...is when actors, musicians, athletes...whatever...get up there and want to "GIVE A SHOUT OUT" to someone. Okay, first of all...its 2012 fuckbats. Nobody even 'semi-cool' is still giving 'shout outs' to anyone. These are the same people who are still wearing 'Member's Only' jackets and giving out 'high-fives' to people who don't want them. Know what would be fun? Legalized brutality against generational jargon offenders. Yeah, I'm talking to you too...'LOL'ers!!! You oughta be smashed in the face with a computer keyboard! Like the dude at work in the movie 'Wanted.' You! ARE the MAN!!! Booooom!

Hey...guy who is 55 and about as hip as Mitt Romney? When you are standing up there and mention wanting to 'give a shout out' to .....blah blah blah...who cares!!!??? You sound like a fucking clown...and that award you just won? Needs to be returned now...because you just disparaged it. I (for some stupid reason) was watching Mr. Charisma Drew Carey on 'The Price is Right' the other day...and before they spin that stupid wheel....the one I keep (for over 30 years now) hoping someone will get trapped in and sucked into through the bottom of....Drew wants to give them the opportunity to 'give shout outs' before they spin the wheel. And oh...they don't refuse. Half the time they are still rattling off the list of shoutouts when their .35 cents from their first spin collides with .85 to eliminate them...creating that awkward moment where they are still excited, jumping around and giving shoutouts...and Drew is trying to get them to get the fuck off the stage. They should just have a trap door that opens and swallows them when they are done. With sound effects of lions and alligators. Think that show wouldn't be #1 within a week? It would be.

God did I get sidetracked or what?

So, uh...yeah...I fire a second bullet. I flounder for 3 levels. Then my table breaks. And I get moved to a very ...well, entertaining table. John 'Cowboy' Land...a friend of mine...and bit of a 'personality' is there. Then along comes Charles 'Woody' Moore. Oh boy. He of the A7 vs. 99 debacle in the Main Event in Council Bluffs. He of the earlier QQ (me) vs AK (him) punchout in the $250 Mega earlier in the week at Tent Boat.

Well, I won't keep you in suspense. I was sitting in the big blind at 400/800...on a 6-way limped pot...with the mighty J-4 off. At least I get to see a free flop! Whoa! Bingo! Flop comes A-J-4 rainbow. Check-raise city for the kid! Sitting on a pretty paltry stack of about 11k and dying for a double up. I check. 'Woody' bets a relatively decent amount. Two others call. Nice! Time to take this pot down! With about 12k in the pot...I shove all in. Woody calls. The others fold. And he turns over, gasp......pocket aces. I'm uh...drawing...well, pretty dead. I need running jacks or running fours. Yeah...didn't happen. Unreal. Gone. Out. Two bullets. Two shells. No refund for my investors. No reward.

So I left my laptop (on accident) on the chair behind me...and went off to blow off some steam. I drank. Then drank some more. And played blackjack. For hours. At a $10 table. I think when the smoke cleared I won $30. Then returned to the Burger Bar. Ate. Went back to my room. Died. Well...passed out. When I woke up I felt like I'd been trampled by ten cows. Maybe I had. Can't positively say I wasn't. Became immediately aware that my laptop was missing. Fuck.

There was another event at 2pm. The final one. It was Sunday. I watched, or tried to watch, some NFL...out of my one good eye. Then about 1 I started coming to life. Oh...its a ring event. But a $580. Ouch. But I imagine the field will be small. Making it easier to get another ring...and much-needed Freeroll points...as I am sitting on just 15 points now...and a chance to get to 65 would be huge...especially since I don't see myself going to very many events this season.

So I went for it. Headed to the casino. Got there on time. Bought in. Only 77 players. Nice! Walk in. Find my laptop! Yes! It's going to be a great day! Sit down. My table looks like a final table. What the hell!?? On the third hand, something feels weird. The blinds are going up. Huh? I look up. It says 20 minutes. Wait. What? 20 minute levels? This is a TURBO!??? Of for chrissakes! I had no idea. And if I had...very likely would have skipped this thing. But now I'm stuck in it. I get one hand after another....lots of middle pairs, lots of AQ-like hands. How many hands did I win? Zero. Was I playing bad? I'd like to think not. I think I was just running like shit. It was unreal. 6 levels. Still no winning hands. I was getting very annoyed. Two players were overplaying a lot of hands. And one guy...Mr Sunglasses with Male Pattern Baldness kept raising constantly, always c-bet...and always triple-barreled the turn. It became a guessing game. Do I have him? Or not? Is he bluffing? Do I re-pop his ass here? Or wait?

Those are the tourneys I hate. When you have enough chips (you think) to wait out the guys like this...but then the stack dwindles while his keeps getting bigger and bigger, which means...down the road, when you do finally take your stand, he will have enough chips to make a semi-loose call against you. Well..that is what indeed happened. I pick up AK in early position...and knowing if I limp...it will get raised. Well, I'm sitting on 7200 with the blinds now at 250/500. So when the next guy raised to 1200...and the aforementioned baldy-glassy re-raised, I shoved all in. The first guy folded. And he thinks for a few brief seconds before calling with 88. I missed...no pair, no draw. Nothing. Out. Without ever winning a hand. Marvelous. Trip...over. Good riddance.

But...before all that ended, there was just one more thing to address. The 'Last Longer for Casey Jones.' Pretty sure this was the topic of my previous blog post. It was a good plan. A lot of people were talking about it. The response on Facebook was very positive. Was even hopeful that the WSOP staff would get behind the effort. Cue the screeching sound of tires on pavement...followed by loud crash as it gets side-swiped at an intersection by a dump truck.

Had my dry erase board, just purchased that morning at Office Depot for $42. Had it all dressed up, ready to take names and money. Players walked in for the Main...saw my board...and we got 18 names pretty quickly, along with their money. That's when I was visited by Roger, from Horseshoe security. Um, yeah...so...despite the fact that we have a last longer on nearly EVERY sit n go we play at circuit events...despite numerous players doing last longers for tournaments...this one, that I was doing to benefit the son of one of their former employees...was causing alarm. Roger informed me that I had to 'take down my board' and discontinue the open lobbying for last longer contributions.

Great. So I did. I took my board with me back to my table, and put it up against the wall, out of site. A few other players who knew I was doing this, came to me...wanting to get in still. I took their money, and added their money to a list I had drawn up on a piece of paper, replacing the board list. We were now up to 21 players. Uh oh...here comes Roger again. Roger didn't have much of a 'hey let me hear your side of the story and then let me use some good judgement' type of personality to him. His was more of a 'my job is to crack down on ANYTHING that looks fishy, period' kind of demeanor. Told me I had been 'observed' taking money from other players...and that if I was seen taking ANY money for ANY other players...I would be DQ'd from the tourney and 86'd from the property. See? No matter what I do...good intentioned or not...I always...always...seem to find trouble! Amazing...isn't it?

So...obviously, I let everyone know that the Last Longer was CLOSED. And why. And what the ramifications were if I took another player. After the first warning, the floor person came by and told me everything was 'okay' that Roger had asked him about me...if I was someone who was 'running some kind of sportsbook operation' or something? The floor man told me he assured him that my intentions were noble and that no, I wasn't running a scam. So...when he told me that...I basically felt like it was okay to keep taking money from guys...just not so out in the open about it. Whoops. I was wrong.

I could say a lot of shitty things about how that episode made me feel. But why bother? It won't change anything. Fact of the matter is, there is some really nice people who work up there. Joe in the poker room comes to mind. Good guy, really busts his ass. One of the better poker room managers I've seen in awhile. Jason that works there...same deal. Good guy. Very competent. Even met a handful of pretty nice security people. I can honestly say, however...that I will likely never go back up there to play. And the major reason is that fucking tent. It's just miserable. And to top it off...they have you playing 10-handed. Which is totally fixable. I think if we are being asked to pay the juice we are paying...we should get to play 9-handed. Players just keep getting fatter and fatter (myself included) and its just getting more and more uncomfortable squeezing 10 people into one table.

But imagine sitting at a table of 10 large poker players...and its between the hours of 12pm and 6pm...and the temperature is between 85-100 degrees. The cold air that IS blowing into the tent is blowing STRAIGHT up into the ceiling of the tent. And escaping...leaving just the heat. So you sit there...and get more and more agitated by the second...hot, sweaty, missing flops, getting shown bluffs by the little twerp with that flat-billed hat that still has that stupid fucking sticker on it and his stupid goatee that looks like it was drawn on his face with a magic marker. You know the kind? Where they had to use the 'shaper' to give it 'that special look' that is usually reserved for rappers, gang members and criminals that live their lives behind bars? Yeah...try playing under those conditions for 6 hours...until, oh! Finally...the sun goes down. At which point...>THE A/C STARTS TO FINALLY TAKE EFFECT!!!!

So within 34 minutes of that occurring, the tent is now transformed into a fucking igloo! You half expect to walk out of the tent and see glaciers floating in the Red River...with polar bears surfing on them...and the occasional seal jumping out of the water. Parka please!!!

Yeah...I can't find a good enough reason to return to this location. I gave it two shots. They had a whole year to fix the glitches. They just got worse. The juice got worse. The fields didn't increase very much. Nope. Crossing that one off the list.

Oh...who won the Last Longer? Well...the Jones Family won. A total of $1050 was sent by me to them on their site...on behalf of the 21 players who entered the Last Longer. You can still give if you want...the link is still up in the corner of my blog...until October 9th I think...when they close the fund raising page. But who won the $1050? Well, originally I thought it was Caufman Talley...which I learned from just comparing my list of 21 players to the payouts list on the Poker News site. Caufmann finished in 18th...which, along with his 1st place in the $1k (with $125 juice) made for a great trip for him. I thought he was the highest finisher of anyone on my list. 

Well, then a little later, I looked again for some reason...and noticed another name that caught my eye...who finished 17th. Stephen Hesse. Well, on my list I had a Steve Hess. Same guy? has to be? Oh shit. I had already posted on Facebook that Caufmann was the winner, even texted him as much, asking how I could send him the money...since I'd already driven home. About that time I caught my error. Well, as fate would have it...I do not have Stephen on my Facebook, or in my phone. I barely know the kid. So...if someone out there knows him...please let him know that Senor Monkey has $1050 for him!!!

Okay...this blog is getting WAY to freaking long. And I'm actually getting tired. I know the question is: Where am I playing next? And am I selling another shares package?

After much deliberation...I have decided to go to Hammond/Chicago in ten days. It is without a doubt...the BEST event on the circuit. The ONLY thing I do NOT like about it...and I really LIKE Steve Frazier and his crew personally...is that they are the ones who enforce the DREADED 'exposed card gets you a one-round penalty' rule. The other crews don't. It's very weird. And incredibly aggravating. It even cost me dearly in a Main Event in New Orleans last December. So...aside from that little quirk, Hammond is the shit! They add all kinds of main event seats...6 I think to the final 6 in every nightly. They high-card players in the cash room on the hour...for $1500 seats! Its awesome. They have a big, gigantic poker arena...good spacing between tables, good dealers, and HUGE turnouts. Some of the biggest I've ever seen, second only to those at Rio in the summer and some of the fields at Borgata. As much as I miss being away from Squirrel and Carley...its just not an event that can be missed.

I was debating whether to go out to Arizona and play the 45+ baseball tournament (they moved up from 35+...and now that I am 45!) with all the guys I played with two falls ago. Chad Brown might be there again, and my old roomie from New York, actor Chris Bruno will be there....it was between that and Hammond...or just staying home. Staying home was looking and feeling kind of attractive. But I couldn't find any other events I wanted to go play before the New Year arrives...and just thought, if there is ONE event I had to select, this one would be it. So...yeah. 

I'm having some trouble finding reasonable airfare. Not sure why...it used to always be SO cheap to fly to Chicago from here. Kai was entertaining thoughts of taking the Hammond trip...and mentioned the train. Hmmm...the train! I haven't done Amtrak in years. So I looked. One-way....$170. Leave New Orleans at 1:45 pm Wednesday, arrive 9am Thursday. Sounds kind of fun. The hotel I like to stay at looks booked. The Ramada on Calumet. And its hard to go there without a rental car. So I hope Kai does decide to go. He hosed me on travel/hotel costs on the Tent City trip...so he kind of owes me.

As for shares? Well...since I think the schedule is basically the same as the Bossier City lineup...I guess I will most likely sell it exactly the same. Only...this event will have a LOT more value and upside to it...as the fields are massive...and the SNG's go off a lot more regularly...so those prelim packages have a lot more earning potential. So...yeah...Main Event package....or PACKAGE #1...will cost $125 for a 2% share. You will be paying for two bullets in the $1675 Main Event. One flight played only, will result in getting half your investment back, on top of anything that is won..

Package #2 will be the PRELIM PACKAGE...and entitle you to 2% of everything I win in EVERYTHING I play other than the Main Event...every ring event, every non-ring event, every nightly event, every SNG. For $150 you get 2% of that action. I will sell a total of 25 shares....totaling 50% of my action for the event. I will not sell any more than that. If I sell less...that is fine. 

First come, first served. Rather..first paid...first guaranteed. If you bought into the last one...and have money coming back...you can reinvest in this next one. If you desire not to...cool, I will shoot you that money in the next three days. Let me know. Need any more info? ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com

Good night!

MONKEY