1 for 1 in 2010. And did it without 'The Toys'

This is the first time I have ever won a tournament and then NOT blogged about it either that day or the next. What is wrong with me? Am I losing my passion? Or maybe the fact that I only beat 54 other players has me feeling like it wasn't much of an accomplishment? Not sure. Maybe its the fact that this other tournament is going on in my town, and because of the callousness of one tourney director who I expect to be looking for another job within 17 months...I am relegated to second-citizen status.

This is a year that I am planning on finally hitting a 6-figure score. I plan on making a million this year. I have been having less and less fun when I play. The 'antics' that everyone thinks I am famous for have been nearly absent for close to a year...and yet I hear rumors from people that I count as friends...like the one I heard centered around the Final Table in New Orleans.

Officially, Jim Pedullah sent an email to a 'high level poker representative' for Harrah's saying "I never 86'd Mr. Souther from anywhere but Ceasers," but for some unknown reason I was forbidden from playing at the Rio after the incident occurred. The Incident! Yeah...the one that never actually DID occur. The investigation that was conducted with NO statement being taken from me. With no report in the nightly Floor Person's paperwork regarding a fracas taking place involving me. Yeah...that one. No, it was just me getting 86'd from his casino because I had been overly critical of his structures at his event. Kind of similar to why the Dictator working at the Bad Times Resort and Casino won't let me practice my vocation among my peers at the place who pays his salary. Its cool. Everything has a way of working itself out.

I've developed this theory. 3 years ago, I made about $70,000 playing poker. 2 years ago, I made about $120,000. Last year I made about $220,000. I see a trend. I see myself winnning more and more. I see myself either 'calming down my antics' or just getting sick of the whole poker thing and slipping into a state of mild depression. Those two factors, have combined to make me (a) more profitable, (b) more visible in the poker world, for the 'right' reasons and (c) a lot easier to deal with as dealers and floor people. These guys who want to exclude me from their tourneys? I see a trend there too. They want to (a) keep persecuting me for things I haven't actually done in years, (b) they keep on making the same amount of money every year...if not less and (c) They refuse to change and evolve with the game...thus resulting in their numbers (attendance-wise) declining year after year. Instead of changing, and improving, they refuse. Why? Narrow-mindedness? Stubborness? I'll just call it plain stupid, because in my opinion, thats what it is.  So when their bosses, who sit in offices answering phones and putting together budgets and making bottom-line decisions...eventually they start to notice that their poker-business is not showing the returns it should, or NEEDS to be. And before long...a shocking news story comes out....'so and so has been fired and replaced by _________ at the Bad Times Resort and Casino, details to follow.'

And where am I? Well, I will just be trapesing all over the planet...playing at places that WILL have me. That don't mind when I have half the table drinking Red Snappers with me. Laughing and joking with the whole table. Winning the tourney...tipping out 10% of my winnings to the floor and dealers. Yeah, see...I know I have been guilty in the past of acting like a bit too much of an ass...but those times have long since past. These tourney directors who have in their head that I am this monster they have to keep their eye on...and wait for 'that moment' to happen? That feel the need to take me into a private room upon my arrival and read me the riot act before I ever play a tournament? Those guys need to worry about themselves. Don't worry about Monkey. Monkey is fine. Monkey is the one who has demonstrated an ability to 'get better' with time. To play better, to act better...to conduct myself like a professional.

So...back to New Orleans. Sorry for the slight deviation. I spoke with Nolan Dalla before the Final Table began. Asked...even though I was told..."Pedullah claims you are ONLY unable to play at Ceasers..." and thus eliminating my worries about playing this summers' events at the Rio, for the WSOP...."Hey Nolan, should I win this thing...I'm not going to have a problem playing the Main Event am I?"

To which he responded..."I am not sure if they have anything working against you being able to play out there...but I assure you that if you win this...you WILL get to play the Main Event."

Well, I find out three weeks later, from a dealer/floor person friend of mine...that in talking to the Tourney Supervisor the morning of the Final Table...that emails had been flying around...certain people at the office in Harrah's in Las Vegas were ENRAGED to find out that I had been allowed entrance back into New Orleans...even though, ahem...I hadn't DONE anything to NOT be allowed there. That they were DEMANDING that if I won the Main Event in New Orleans...that I would NOT be allowed to play the Main Event this summer. There is some guy out there who has a HUGE bug up his ass regarding me. Who is it? What is his problem? I have no earthly idea. And the decision was made by the guy in New Orleans to NOT tell me this before we started the Final Table. I thank him for that....because, uh...yeah! That might have affected how I played. He thought it would tilt me. So if showing up and seeing Erin Holt in the box didn't tilt me enuough...yeah...that would have surely put me right over the edge.

So now I am faced with the prospects of going out to Vegas this summer and NOT being able to play at the Rio? For what reason? What did I do now? Who is this mystery administrator? I am getting so tired of this shit. Defending myself against people who (a) don't even KNOW ME....other than what 'they've heard about' me from people with an axe to grind, who (b) I don't know...and have never had issue with. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? It just gets damn exhausting. All I want to do is play poker, have a little fun, win once in awhile...get my wife pregnant...have a baby...and have a reason to live other than traveling to cities and trying to beat bad poker players at a game I think I'm better than most people in.

Then I find this out about my trip to New Orleans. One night...late at night...we were playing a SNG. Bunch of fun guys. We got this one guy to start drinking Snappers with us. We were either 4 handed or 5 handed...and I had NO kind of save or anything with any of the players. It was a stupid $125 sng. On a certain hand...not sure how it went down fully, other than me raising on the button with A10. The BB tells me, "I have a QUEEN!" To which I respond..."I have an ACE!" and kind of just laugh...cuz it was kind of funny. I mean...the second he said he had a queen, we all know he's folding there. Well, this guy, the one who had started drinking with us....FUH-REAKS out! I mean....goes NUTS! Claiming collusion and all kinds of shit. WHAT? I didn't really say anything because I was stunned. So when Shawn, the guy who was running the SNG was called over, he was forced to give me and the other player a one-round penalty. Wow. Okay. I didn't even balk at it. He was just doing his job. So I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom. The blinds were so high that it ended up pretty much costing me the SNG. But again. No big deal.

I lose, and get into the last one of the night. All of a sudden two Sheriff's arrive on the scene. Funny, I don't recall ever seeing Sheriff's in there. I ask them whats up? They don't respond. I ask Shawn...he just shrugs. Well, come to find out THREE WEEKS later....there were called in by this guy Charles...who is the nighttime security supervisor...who after seeing me get a penalty decides to get super aggressive. He asks Shawn..."Hey...that Monkey guy! What's his problem! What did he do now!?? You need me to put him out of here!??? I will do it right now!!!!"  To which Shawn told him to mellow out. That I was NOT a problem, that I hadn't acted bad in any way...and that if I did, he (Shawn) would handle it. That he needed to back off! So then this clown Charles calls the Sheriff to come by. For what? To scare me? Even though I'm not doing anything? After Shawn had TOLD HIM to back off?  Where the FUCK do these people come from? What is their reason for being such total assholes? Is it jealousy? I think maybe that is part of it. Some guy who does nothing but play poker for a living while he has to sit in his chair with his fake badge making $11.37 an hour, 5 days a week, 363 miserable days a year? Dude, I'm sorry that your life sucks ass....but don't make YOUR problems MY problems, okay?

So...here we are. I have a handful of poker management-type people who 'get me' and like me. Who know what my real thing is all about. Who have actually taken the chance to get to know me. They are people I call 'friends in poker' who I will do anything for. They are slowly climbing the ladder in the poker world. They are good at what they do. I will simply sit back...and be patient, because I know that within a few years, they will be running everything that is worth running in poker. And I will look back on all this bullshit and just smile at how petty and stupid it was.

2009 was a great year. I got married to my best friend. I scored several big wins. I have a backer who is awesome. I made lots of new friends in the poker world. I have a lot of reasons to love my life. The things that bum me out...like the 'haters' in the world, and online poker, and tenants who steal my appliances and stiff me on rent...those things I have to not let cause me such stress. I will work on that in 2010.

So yeah...Thursday night I didn't play at the IP because we were busy watching Alabama win an exciting Title Game over Texas. But when I showed up on Friday, granted, 28 minutes late...and Jimmy Sommerfeld telling me he was about to close registration...I was pleased to see 4 times the field they had the night before. I sat and played my first hand with 2 minutes left in the level.

I would love to tell you about the tourney...but the fact is...I don't remember much...becasue I sat down and started drinking Coors Lights...and just had fun. I think I won about 5 hands by bluffing. I remember that we started drinking Red Snappers before we made the money...why? Well, only 5 were going to cash out of 54. And by the time we made the money...it would almost be over! And we had a really fun table! So what the hell...we broke my own rules. I was tipping $10 a round...for anywhere from 3 to 8 shots at a time. It was dead in that room, but I know we must have made those waitresses at least $150! Guys finally started alternating tip rounds with me. We had a really fun table. With about 17 left I lost a 3rd of my chips when I knew the guy was shoving badly and I had AJ. I was right. He had K4. I flopped a Jack too...so when the K hit the turn...ahhhh hell. But I didn't get too upset. I had been announcing all night that I was going to win. Still felt like I was going to.

Ben Mintz and I were having a lot of fun drinking shots and stealing each others blinds! So when him and I got heads up it was kind of appropriate I think! The money was so well structured that it made no sense NOT to just chop the money. But we did have something to play for! A couple things actually. And thanks to Bill Bruce for letting us play it out. First was $4400 and 2nd was I think $2800. Something like that. So we both took $3600....were fairly even in chips...and we played for (a) Pride! Because that is what two players like us go for. Beating 'The Destroyer' heads up....or him 'Beating Monkey' had a lot of value. (b) That feeling of sitting there with all the chips in front of us and getting to take the cool photo! and (c) and most importantly...we put up a $500 night out in Vegas at either a club or a (most likely) Strip Club with the boys this summer that the loser would be on the hook for.

So we played for about 20 minutes I think. I would say I totally outplayed Ben heads-up but I don't think that was the case. I think I just got better cards. And didn't screw up and not play them wrong. Pretty simple. But when he shoved on me with only 3 BB's and I looked down at my 2nd favorite hand, 6-7 suited...I thought....yeah...lets do it. He had 68. Ouch! But I told him...not a big deal, "Im gonna hit a 7 on ya!" So what happened? I rivered a 7! Game over! Monkey wins, Monkey wins! Yay!

And yes...I did all this without my Final Table beads and/or crystal monkeys. I guess if I'd had all that I would have gone out 6th, right, haters? Ahhh whatever. They had been left at home. Ya know if I'd remembered to bring them I'd of had em there for the ride!

It was a really fun night. Everyone was really cool. And yeah, I won that shit. And that did feel pretty good to win my first tourney of 2010. Nice way to start. Things didn't go as good last night. About the same field too. But 3k was added instead of 2k. So first was a pretty robust $5100. But 2nd was like $3400...so had I gotten heads up, I would have definitely chopped, unless I had like a 10 to 1 lead and couldnt stand my opponent. But there are fewer and fewer people in this game that I don't like nowadays...so that wouldn't have been very likely. Yeah...last night I had AQ early...flopped an ace....had a little bet call, bet raise situation...and had to fold, fearing a flush or a set. Then shortstacked in Level 3...with a raiser behind me, I shipped it with AhQh...and got called by a guy with 99's for 1/3rd of his stack...okay. Then the original raiser told me he folded AQ. Ugghhh. Thats not music to my ears! I did flop two hearts though. But I whiffed. I told everyone good luck...shook a couple hands...and left like a good Monkey.

I actually decided to go play some 1/2 cuz I wasn't quite ready to go home yet. I sit down at a table of complete idiots. Oh boy. Bought in for $300. So when I got my QQ to hold up for a double up...and managed to flop AK5 with AK and not lose to two clowns who never folded...and looked down at $785...it was looking like the right thing to do might be to go home. After this bozo on my right raises on the button to $17, and I call with 99....the flop comes A-10-3...I check and he fires out $60. Whatever...I fold face up. He shows me 3-8 offsuit. Hmmm...yeah...you are the MAN sir. Then I watch him felt this kid, who had played super tight...with AA. Yeah...he raised 20 preflop behind 7 limpers. This asshole to my right calls with K7 off. Yeah, he flops two pair. I watch that...and again look at my stack...and look at this guy...I had already started hating him because every time he made a bet he would stack his chips in 25 increments...slowly...to the point I was about to lose it. And along with him...there were 3 other players taking an eternity to act every hand. Okay...thats it! I'm outa there! Racked up my chips and bolted! Good move, Monkey! A nice little profit of $300 on the night with my tourney buy in. I'll take it. Went home and got my brains beat in again on Pokerstars for 5 hours.

I think my favorite was this one. In the $3 MTT ( ya ya I know, fuck you guys!) with 2,836 players...we are down inside of 200...blinds 500/1000. Two hands before in the SB...with 5 limpers I make it 4500 with AA. I get one caller. Bet the flop, he folds...I SHOW aces. So two hands later...I have KK. Guy raises to 3k in MP...I am right behind him...and make it 9k to go. Folds back to him. He flats. Oh...we both started the hand with 34k and 35k respectively. The flop comes J-9-3. He checks, I bet 14k. He moves in. Whatever, I call. He turns over J-9 offsuit. Yeah. That hand is just a microcosm of everything damn day I play on that shit site. Its 1:37pm here on Sunday...I am sitting here watching New England get their asses handed to them by Baltimore....and haven't played a single hand on Jokerstars today. I feel like remaining in a good mood. Squirrel has just shuffled off to yet another baby shower. I swear, that girl must do about 40 of those a year.

You know....something dawned on me the other day. She is so amazing about putting together wedding and baby showers for everyone. And always gets so many damn gifts for everyone. She's just something else. So we were at her relatives for Christmas...and everyone was talking about who's getting married, who's having a baby. I'm looking at pictures of everyone's familys on the walls everywhere we went. All those wedding photos in their big fancy outfits. And it occurred to me, not ONE person sent us a wedding gift. Not one. And I am not really the big 'needing a gift' to be happy guy or anything. But I think about what she does for everyone...and it kind of pisses me off from that standpoint. And then I started thinking...and maybe it was just the meds that inspired this at the time...I think maybe her family is sort of ashamed of us as a married couple. Since we got married in Vegas, at one of those quicky wedding places. Since I am this 'gambler' who married one of their relatives. Like that makes me a bad person. They are all pretty religious, and all have good jobs. Actually I DID get a wedding gift. From my backer. On the big win in Vegas, she gave us 10% of her winnings as a wedding gift...and it was substantial, and very much appreciated. But because she let me keep ALL of the money I won for the Venetian All Around, when clearly she didn't HAVE to do that...I returned that 10%. Same difference, in fact...even more so! Yeah...that was our ONE wedding gift.  I guess if we had held the reception like we were planning to do, which I was going to do the week of the September event at the Bad Times Resort and Casino...but then got derailed when The Dictator over there wouldn't allow me to play...I guess then we might have had some people bring gifts. But then, you know...thats just like creating a forum, and putting people in that uncomfortable spot of feeling like they have to bring a gift. I hate that. Give us a gift because you want to. Or because Squirrel has done nothing but take care of all of you over and over and over. But she doesn't care, not one stitch. She isn't wired that way...and its another thing about her that I love. She doesn't clamour for attention or material shit. So when I do buy her something...I always know how much she appreciates it. In fact, I just put myself in the mood to go get her something nice.

I'll see some of you tonight at IP...see if I can get back on the winning track. Hope you made it this far...I think this entry got pretty long!

MONKEY

2010 National Champions.....Roll Tide!!!!

Okay, the pressure I created for myself last night by posting that the best blog ever was forthcoming today has put me in a very awkward spot. I am not sure I can deliver as promised. I feel like the chances of me delivering on my promise are about as good as Texas' chance of mounting a come from behind victory behind the leadership and experience of Garrett Gilbert. Or was it Gilbert Grape? I know there were two 'G's involved there somewhere.

Okay...by now you know that the Alabama Crimson Tide are National Champs...with a record of 13-0. Which is really good. My wife pulls for Alabama. So there is peace in my home. And happiness. And I can walk with pride, for after looking at the National Recruiting rankings...my Washington Huskies are ranked 8th overall...with the top class in the Pac-10. Texas was first...with 'Bama 2nd. The SEC just consistently gets so much talent. Watching that game tonight...after watching Boise St vs. TCU the other night...its like night vs. day the gap in talent. Bigger, faster, stronger...more athletic. I mean...those RB's for Alabama...gross how it took 4 or 5 guys to bring them down every run. There were at least 10 future NFL'ers out on that field tonight.

Yeah, well that game kind of screwed me. Had Texas covered the 4.5 spread on my Bowl Pool...with 140 players, and $2475 to 1st place...I would have won that bitch. And been ecstatic. And so when it was 24-21...and Texas needed to go the length of the field with  2:42 remaining...it seemed like I could be sitting on the win. And before the game, I did a smart thing and 'hedged' with a $500 wager on Alabama....but at -3...so Texas losing by 4 would have been HUMONGOUS! But even 3....would have been cool, push on the wager, and win the bowl pool. But no....things got disastrous...and it all got away from me. So I have to be happy with a tie for 4th place...and $155....and winning my $500 Bama bet...and having a happy wife.

That same wife was lucky to even see the game. Why? Well...last night got a bit out of hand. For her. Squirrel has a problem. She has no 'off switch' on her. When we go out...and she starts drinking...she don't stop until we have taken a left on Crazy Street...accelerated down to Psycho Avenue, where we veered left and proceeded to Black Out Boulevard. Where the vehicle that is us smashed into the wall, throwing bodies everywhere...

Yeah. Squirrel decided since she was off today for the game, that we would go out with her friends. So we go to the Beau....errrr..escuse me....Bad Times Resort and Casino...to meet up with the girls and get our dance on. Only...I didn't get my dance on. Why? Because both of my knees are shot to hell. I will be getting my knee scoped next week maybe. So what did I do? Well, besides feed Squirrel drinks? I sat...and I observed. People. Lots of very strange, unusual people. Its one of the things I like to do more than anything in the world. Its one of the reasons I love live poker. I love the chance to get and look at and study 8 or 9 complete strangers (well not as many strangers nowadays...as when I first started playing) and develop all these wild thoughts about them in my head.

Which is why last night was so incredibly amusing. Or scary. Depending upon your vantage point.

Oh...this just in. In Event #1...today...at the Bad Times Resort and Casino...it was reported to me by my spys/reporters that after having 1005 players show up last year for Event #1...today saw a robust 370 show up. Hmm, thats too bad. And I am guessing they will choose to blame the weather or the National Title game. Yeah...I think I might have seen some rain drops. Or maybe it was cold. Not positive there. And then I get another report from a dealer friend...telling me that they are all being limited to 40 hours a week...which is a joke. They bring these dealers from all over the country...generally make them pay for their own transportation getting here and usually pay for their rooms while they are here...and when only 370 players show up, guess what? Their hourly rate ends up being crappy. SO what have they been forced to do? Shoot over to the IP and try pulling double duty so they can pay for their trip down to our lovely community. Isn't that nice?

What is the alternative? Hey...I'm glad you asked. You put on a tourney with really good structures. You have great SNG's. You let players buy into SNG's with chips they have won in OTHER SnG's...instead of lying to them and telling them its a 'Gaming Commission Law' that they can't do that, when we all know good and well that its a total crock of shit. They don't let you use them becuase they have this shallow theory that if those chips get stuck in your pocket you will be forced, against your will (picture a hardened thug with a gun to your head...walking you to the registration desk) to go play the tourney that day. See....its really not that hard to get rid of those chips. Players are either (a) GOING TO PLAY the noon tourney or (b) NOT GOING TO PLAY the noon tourney, regardless of those fucking chips they are dragging around with them.

All it means? Is that you have to make like a panhandler at the end of the freeway exit, standing there outside the line of the registration desk...begging people to buy your fucking chips, so you can go fill up with a tank of gas and get the hell outa dodge, where your crack-addicted wife and 3 illegitimate kids can fills their bowls with Malt-O-Meal the next morning. Thanks! Thanks for buying my chips sir......

Where was I? I think I just deviated. Like made a really hard left at Rue de Relevance. Lets get back to the nightclub last night....

Oh wait. Some other bad info came my way just a short while ago. The little event that IP is holding down the street...the one that I was planning to go play every  night and not hate my life the whole time that I am sitting there? Feeling like Louis Winthorpe III standing outside in the rain, looking through the window of a fancy restaraunt as Billy Ray Valentine is wined and dined by Randolph and Mortimer Duke, a $1 bet between brothers to destroy my life the ovbjective. But instead of the Duke brothers, I am dealing with a couple of other, ahem...Gentleman, employed by my nemesis, the Bad Times Resort and Casino. And like Winthorpe, who is clearly getting screwed for no good reason, every thing I do to try to make things right just ends up in some ridiculous slap in the face. Well, at least he ends up with the girl in the end...as I do every night. So as I sit like a fish in a bowl being watched by all, I was hoping to at least do it in the company of some fun and cool fellow players. But when I find out today that only 13 players attended tonights first event there...I was, well, not too pleased.

I was kind of disappointed that they didnt embrace my idea of making every night over there a Bust the Monkey Bounty event. It would have been fun. And, I think...attract a good crowd of Monkey Killers. But I never heard back from them on that deal. And I would have had to miss tonight due to the ball game. But I will be there tomorrow, and the good news? Its a $200 buy in. And they are adding in 2k. So if only 13 show up? I like my chances to make the Final Table! And there will be a nice fat overlay!

Back to the nightclub. Its me and Squirrel and then 'The Claw' and her new boyfriend J.R. who I am quickly starting to dig. Then Brandy Nagle joined us...and there other girls coming and going. And as I am sitting there...at our table...I see something which causes me to nearly...uh...faint. No no...not faint. Put it this way. I could have sworn I was seeing things. Hallucinating. Y'all know Carl Miller? Plays a lot of poker. Has for a long time. In fact, when I started playing 6 years ago...Carl was playing at the Grand. You might recognize Carl by his medical scrubs that he usually is wearing. Carl is a Massage Therapist. I never really knew Carl that well, and really kind of got to know him in the past couple of years. I like him. A lot. He is a very kind guy. And always came across as very passive, and calm...and like...mellow?

So when I look over...at the dance floor and see this older guy just going OFF on the dance floor, I was like "Wow, that guy is really getting into it! Really having fun!" And I'm watching him for awhile...and all of a sudden I'm like..."Holy SHIT! Thats Carl-freaking-Miller!"  I think Carl is older than me (42) and younger than ....hmm, I guess I would give him maybe 48? Not really sure. But this is a club that is carrying an average age of probably 25. Hell, I don't even feel comfortable being there...but I am with my wife, so I have an excuse.

Not like the REALLY old guy who was there. I mean...when I say old? I mean...this guy was at LEAST 76. Little short guy...big ears...cruising around like he's a 35 year old millionaire on South Beach trolling for hot models. It was hilarious. So I would spend an inordinate amount of time watching this geezer cruise around the dance floor trying to make his moves on women 1/4 his age. And he wasnt taking rejection at all. You know the expression 'Persistence Defeats Resistance?' It was created with this guy in mind. But it was still funny. And at the pit of my soul...I'm thinking..."Wow, ya know, God kill me if I am 76 and in a club trolling for single women...but at the same time, if I am able to go out at 76 and have as much fun as this guy appears to be having? That might not be such a bad thing either!"

So I take a trip to the bathroom. To USE THE BATHROOM. And in strolls a fat, ugly cow of a woman. And my paranoia alarm starts going off. I start thinking about that movie...where Jodie Foster gets raped on a pool table. And maybe two of the guys were in on it...but the whole group of guys got in trouble for it. I look around...there are 6 guys in the bathroom. I get scared. I start imagining this nasty skank concocting some insane tale about being 'taken' into the mens room and sexually assaulted. I freak out. I run out of there and find a purple person. Oh! A purple person is what I call the security personnel that are employed by the Bad Times Resort and Casino. There wear, yeah....purple blazer-like jackets. I report the skank siting in the bathroom and insist that I am not part of a nefarious plot to have my way with her. I escape that scene without incurring prosecution of any kind.

Later I venture into the bathroom again. There, standing at the bathroom sink, is Carl...he is...he is...yep, he is undressing. Well, not totally, just his shirt. He has managed to work himself into a sweaty lather while 'gettin loose' on the dance floor, and has taken the hygenic route of rinsing off the sweat, drying off, and getting re-dressed. Then, I assume, heading back to the dance floor. I take a moment to chat with Carl. Tell him how shocked I was to see him rippin shit up on the dance floor. He tells me "Oh you didn't know I had that side to me did ya Monkey!?" Uh...no sir, I'm not gonna lie...I DID NOT see that coming! But its fun to see you having such a good time! Carl's awesome.

At some point...I started evaluating women's clothing. Then there was an invasion of our table. Three very overweight and badly dressed women plopped down a little too close to our table...and then here comes their 'almost attractive' friend...who I would say (based on my uncanny ability to read people) was probably close to 43...recently divorced...the recipient of a breast enhancement...and ready to take on the world of being single. Out with her moo-cow friends who all needed tips on how to present themselves in public. Squirrel was off in the bathroom and suddenly this Super Cougar is giving me those looks. You know, the ones that make you feel very uneasy and even awkward. And is usually at this point now where I look, out of habit, down at my ring...finding comfort in its existence. But when I look down...oh fuck! I took a bath the other night...took it off, and didn't put it back on. This is the first time since we got married that I have been out in public without my ring. And now I am having a panic attack...as this M.I.H.N.D.T.F. (figure that one out...take off on MILF) is over there eye fucking me.  Oh God...it gets worse...she then starts trying the whole, 'look at me and my fat friend! We aren't lesbians, but I'm gonna dance on her lap, and rub on her...and try to make your imagination go crazy and THINK that we are...so you will find me really hot.'

Oh please kill me right now. There is no escape. Finally, Squirrel returns. I immediately pull her on my lap to kiss her. Peaking over to see if Single and Crazy is watching...thankfully she is. She gets this weird 'I'm thinking about boiling your pet rabbit' look on her face and I quickly turn abruptly to the left..just wanting her to go away. Which finally, she does. Whew!

I make some more colorful observations as the night goes on. When, please tell me will it go out of vogue for DJ's to stop screaming out...."all the single ladies in the house...make some motherfuckin noiiiise..." and "all my people from Mississippi, make some motherfucking noooisssse." Or...'party people in the house say HOOOOOO..." Then there's the always popular "everyone make some noiiiisse." Mixed in with the occassional request to throw our arms up in the air. Please! I would like to chalk this up to me just getting old, and having outgrown this retarded behaviour...but you know what? I was hitting clubs in NYC when I was 22-25...and doing it with vigor. And even then...they were saying that same shit. And I hated it THEN. So, I ask...when will it stop? Do DJ's not evolve with their abilities to communicate with the club crowd? Is it not possible for someone to write a manual intended for DJ's that will teach them a new way to act cheesy and gay?

And is this a stupid question? If you are working a turntable...in a club where its really dark...what is the reason for wearing dark sunglasses? Doesn't that just make your job harder? I would like to inform all you 'trying to look cool DJ's that insist on wearing dark shades when you are working.'...you don't look cool. In fact, you look utterly ridiculous. That is your one freebie from the Monkey.

I don't know...I guess that was it. Just a lot of reflecting last night. On who I am. Where I've been in my life, and where I am going. That and then later trying to get my nutso wife home without her killing me for doing something that she will never remember the next day. Yeah, it was a weird night, and the whole time I'm sitting there I'm thinking 'Wow, I am going to go home and write maybe the funniest blog ever.' So...I know, this probably isn't my funniest ever...but it felt like it would maybe rate up there when I started thinking about it last night. Maybe you found some humor in here. Maybe not. But I am not offering up any apologies.

Oh I forgot some things...some things that are coming to me now. But I don't care now. I've given you enough. And I'm tired. And Squirrel is tired of hearing me peck away on this keyboard. And I have to pee really bad. So this is it. Good night and farewell. Maybe I will see some of you at the IP tomorrow night. Maybe not.

MONKEY

Greatest Blog Ever....coming tomorrow

Be patient....just got home from long night out with Squirrel....ohhhhh Crazy Squirrel.....its coming. Just can't do it now. But I am promising....that it will be epic. Shhhhhhh....don't tell anyone.

MONKEY

A New Year...some New Rants! I'm due!!!!

I have spent the last week sick. Really sick. Like, so sick that I am contemplating a trip to see Dr. Chance Monday morning. Swine Flu? Pneumonia? Just a really bad lingering cold? Not sure. But its making me and Squirrel both crazy.

I have also spent the last week watching a lot of TV. Which usually leads to me finding a lot of things to rant and rave about. Watching lots of bowl games...some good, some lousy...and watching lots of bad TV.

I've done some driving around town as well...which also gives me more ammunition with which to fire at my fellow human beings...with whom I generally hold in very low regard.

Yeah, it's been a slow week, poker wise...unless you count my numerous horrible bad beats on Pokerstars...and even one brief session on Full Tilt, as poker worthy. I've noticed that Pokerstars no longer responds to emails when you send them specific hand history of a particular hand with a certain player who seems to be blatantly cheating in some shape and form. I mean...they don't even RESPOND. What does THAT mean? I literally started a new WORD document...called Today's Bad Beats. Yesterday I had 6 on there. A slow day. I actually cashed 4 times on Stars yesterday...but all light.

Yeah...this was my favorite. Deep in a $11 MTT with 2 add ons and 1 rebuy...I have 48k. Blinds are 1k/2k. I pick up AA and raise to 5500. The BB....calls. This BB has called me almost every time I raised. She (female pic on avatar) has played back at me very aggressively each time. Two of the times I had AK and missed everything and had a lot of chips so didn't want to get into a gun fight with her. This time though....flop comes J-7-7. She checks. I bet out 8500. She calls. ??? Hmmmm. Wonderful. Turn is an 8. She bets now. 5k. Five k? I have to think she has like KJ. I raise to 15k. She moves all in. Okay...whatever....I've left very little behind...and frankly, I think I'm good. She turns over (oh yeah, after CALLING!) 8-9 offsuit. No shit. What comes on the river? An 8. Yeah. Fishy? Or am I just insane? I was out. Shot P'stars an email...no reply.

I am so sick of online poker I can't stand it. There is one thing about it that especially rankles me. First of all...I think you should be required to have a webcam and make it possible for EVERYONE  to see you if you are playing online. I want to see the faces of these twerps (my assumption) who yammer on about EV, and Variance, and Bad Beats, and M...and all this other crap you know they picked up in the last poker book they mulled over.

Well...I think we all know that I do 'fairly well' in live tournaments. Do I win them all? No. Do I cash them all? Nope. But my cash percentage is about 22% over the last two years...which I would think is above average. Not positive, but I think so. So...that said, I think we also know that I run historically bad online. And you have these little assholes that like to derive all their info from Sharkscope (primarily it seems) and other stat sites to use against you. So when I am in a hand and talking about it I invariably run into that little dork who likes to fire back with..."well according to Sharkscope, your a losing player! Your ROI is [take your pick, it seems to vary with every conversation] and your profit is only [again, same deal] for two years. It says you have won [some number they find] but you have lost it all back! Oh my God, who loses THAT MUCH in two years! You must really suck!"

Yes....yes, young boy who is still in high school and thinks he has poker all figured out, who can't buy a date with a girl and can't seem to get invited to a party, and who can't even walk into a casino yet...you nailed it. I am the worst player ever. I've no idea how someone who has won $130,000 total in two years could possible have burned through that...especially when they are playing 30-50 hours a week, and multi-tabling 5 to 10 tables at a time with an average buy in of $12. Yeah...no clue. Pfffft!

When you literally TELL THEM you run bad online...but have some good results in live....they don't ask..."Oh, tell me your name, so I can look THAT up...." No instead, they just cling to the SHARKSCOPE STATS SHARKSCOPE STATS!!!!!! YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!!!!! But every once in awhile, a player WILL actually look it up. Cardplayer.com....."Players"...enter Will Souther...BOOM. There ya go. And you know what THEY say? One of two things. (a) Yeah...right! That isnt YOU! (b) So if you are such a bigshot, why are you playing in this $12 SNG!??

Okay. First of all...yes, it would be much easier to just ignore these pieces of fouled DNA...but for some reason I can't bring myself to do that. Which makes me....to an extent...just as much of a loser as them. To the first point....well, I think if anyone thinks I am trying to emulate Will Souther...then, well HEY! I must actually be something worth emulating. Nice! I've arrived!!!

 However, if I WAS going to try and REPRESENT like I was someone I wasn't, I don't think I would choose ME! Also...next to my name...in the profile, is my P'stars username...ThePokrMnky. So when they come back and tell me I am full of shit, and that its not me...I howl. Dude...look at my username. Right here. In this game. Are you retarded? Yeah...not only am I pretending to be this guy Will Souther, I have stolen his password and logged onto his Pokerstars account and am now playing under his account. Idiots.

Then..to the second point. Why do so many players think that because you have cashed some 5-figure scores (6-figure scores coming in 2010!) that you are suddenly no longer permitted to sit down at your laptop and play in ANYTHING under a $100 buy in? Uh...lets see...it would really take me like an hour to give this clown a legitimate response that he would understand. But I know very well that he would (a) not listen and (b) not listen. He would be so wrapped up in his frenzied insistence that you were TOTALLY MAKING IT UP!!!!! Sighhhhhh.

I hate these people. I play small limits online because I DO NOT TRUST online poker. Whats makes you more crazy....putting in $11 with a chance to win $5k to 10K...and losing with AA to a guy with 3-7 making 'a move' with 5 til the money? Or buying in for $215...getting about 5 hours in...and getting KK cracked for half your stack by 44...then QQ cracked by Q10...and finally AK losing to A2 to bust? You take the beats in the smaller buy in MTTS and for some reason its easier to just 'let go' right? But you take a handful of those in $100, $200 buy ins....you are ready to kill someone...and oh yeah...running outa money. I see the value in small stakes buy ins...and yeah, its a grind and a bitch to do...but if you should happen to do the unimaginable and fade all of the horrendo-zoids and dodge all of Pokerstars' pitfalls and mudholes along the way and actually win one...well, watch where your ROI% goes then! I was in a $3 rebuy last night...for $6. Total, and screwed up and missed my add-on at the break. First place was 9k. I cashed. Not real deep. But just think of what might have been. How do you NOT play that?

I feel like me and most of the players who I corroborate with all pretty much feel about the same about online poker. Then there are those who just think I'm completely stupid. I don't really care about those guys anymore.

You can lump those guys in with the guys who think it's stupid that I bring 'all of my trinkets and toys' with me to the Final Table. Making the Final Table is the result of a long journey...the culmination of peaks and valleys...suckouts and badbeats...long periods of being card dead...followed by heaters...that have somehow ended with you at the Final Table and a chance to win a bunch of money. For me...its FUN TIME. And to bring out my crystal monkeys and put on my Monkey Beads is the reward for getting there. And if you think that is stupid, and somehow is 'causing me not to win' well then I say to you....GO TO HELL. Ooops, Please. (trying to be more polite in 2010)

SO.....what's up with live poker? Hmmm...how much do I want to share with all of you? How much do I care about the 'HOLE' I might be digging at the Bad Times casino in Biloxi by commenting on the recent 'developments' there? Should I just 'let it go' as some would suggest? Do I ignore it so as not to give them the time of day, to dignify what I deem as their ridiculousless with any kind of reaction? The thing about it...is if I DON'T say something, or somehow defend myself, and my actions...then I think what happens is you get those people out there who ask the question...."where is Monkey? Why isn't he here?" And no matter what is said....there is going to automatically be the assumption that I did or said something to cause me to not be allowed to play in the event at their Bad Times Resort and Casino.

[as I write this Ole Miss and their luckbox 4th quarter have probably just cost me any chance to win my Bowl Pool...nice referees....where did they find these clowns?]

Back to matters at hand. About 3 and a half weeks ago, I shot a text message to both managers at the Bad Times Resort and Casino. I was looking for them to let me know in advance...so that, you know...I could actually make backup plans to play somewhere else if their answer was no. This funny little thing that hotels and especially airlines like to do...where they give you a better price if you don't try to book at the last minute. I guess this only matters to people who actually give half a shit about other people's lives. Can't for one minute imagine WHY I actually believed for one second that I would actually GET a definitive answer from them within any reasonable amount of time.

What was really funny...was the immediate response I got. There exists a very clear 'good cop/bad cop' dog and pony show over there. If it wasn't so funny, it would make me mad. One guy text's me back "If I had to say right now the answer would be no." While the other text's me back..."I can't see why not, but I will have to talk to some other people first."  Really?

So three weeks go by. Sigh. Finally, 4 days ago...I fire off a text to the 'good cop' in this act. "Since the event starts next week, and I have yet to hear back from you guys...I am just really wanting an answer one way or another so I can do SOMETHING this month." That was at 9am. It was at 7pm that I finally got an answer. I assume, after it got batted around the tree all day. "At this time, I'm sorry to inform you, the answer is no."

"I would ask you for a reason, but I know I wouldn't get the truth, so I won't bother. Thanks for the quick reply (sarc.)"

What ensued was a text message volley. Send one, get one, reply, get a reply...back and forth...for about an hour. Until finally I sent my last one, went to the bathroom...ran a hot bath...and sat in there for three hours...reading my last Vince Flynn novel 'Memorial Day.' I reflected on the last hour of text messages, and just how stupid the management over there is handling this, and the damage they are doing to both my reputation and my financial situation. At one point in the messaging, I was given the invitation to come and play at Goldstrike in Tunica in March. Huh?

First of all, you all know I have erased Tunica from my itinerary for LIFE. Secondly, I can't play at your sister casino...for whatever your stupid reasons are...but I CAN play up there? Why? If I can't play here, I shouldn't be able to play there. Different staff? I think so. And I think we all know the deal. Secondly, I get 'sometimes, when dealing with a problem...you have to take steps to repair the relationship.'  HUH?

Again...unreal. The problem? Steps? Relationship? I am a damn pro poker player. I go, I pay my buy in, I play, I win or lose, I tip out, I go home. If I break a rule, you give me a penalty. If I kill someone, you call the police. I will go to jail. I'm not there running for office. I'm not applying for a job. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest.

The problem? As it was presented to me in September? They didn't like me taking players' photos and posting them on my blog. Right? Remember that? Oh, and a certain tourney director didn't appreciate my scrutiny when evaluating his blind structures as well as a few remarks directed towards a handful of his dealers that needed to seriously reflect on how lucky they are to have a job in these tough times...and maybe think about coming to work with a little better attitude towards the players. That was it. THAT was the reason I was BANNED from the Bad Times Resort and Casino's poker room. Not the casino...no, no...I can go in there, play table games...eat in the restaraunts, party in the clubs. I just can't play poker there. Because I have opinions, and state them on this little blog that some people decide to occasionally read.

All that business about Freedom of Speech without persecution and all that which was placed in this thing called the 1st Amendment (1st of 27 in total) to the United States Constitution? Not even a consideration apparantly.

So...taking all of that into account, I decided to go ahead and honor their request...to not take pictures of players...in ANY casinos, not just theirs. I didn't write a word about their casino in the last six months. Not a word. No nasty insinuations. Nothing. And when their poker tourney director decided to post a comment on here...or maybe it was my Facebook...no, I think it was here...I didn't fire back with some smartass remark. In fact, I actually wrote what I thought to be a pretty good response in my next blog. But instead of taking that, and rising above all the previous bullshit...this guy decides instead...to continue his stance on not letting me attend his upcoming tournament. Why? I have no idea. Take steps to repair the relationship? Yeah...I think I have climbed that staircase...and went back down them...and maybe even up them again. The other person, or persons...in this strained relationship? Still just standing there on the landing, tapping his foot. In a word...the whole thing is PATHETIC.

If the Bad Times Resort and Casino thinks that keeping me locked out is good for their tourney business...I have to just chuckle. Yeah, I only play on an average of 25-40 SNG's an event...and nearly every tourney. The juice on that alone is worth having me there. The free advertising they get from me on this blog and my Facebook...which is viewed by....lets just say a LOT of people...is invaluable. It just pisses me off that when people ask "why Monkey isn't allowed here" that I can't be a fly on the wall to hear the various responses. Because the correct answer...is one you will NEVER hear ANY of them say. They will make something up, something that sounds good. Something that half of them will believe. And yes...that pisses me off.

Now...do you want to know what I think? As if my opinion matters? Well, here you go. And this might cause some kind of ensuing shitstorm to occur. If so...so be it. This information I am going to share with you is obtained through being married to a woman who is employed at the same casino in question. This particular company is publicly traded. Their stock price is in bad shape, and has been, for over two years now. Which, ironically enough, is how long this place's structure has been garbage. Oh wait...I didn't mean to say garbage, that sounds critical. We shall call the structures...um...questionable.

Each and every department in that casino has been encouraged (ordered!??) to cut their budget. Which...for every department means something else, right? Well, if you work in poker...where do you cut costs? Not too many places where you CAN cut costs, huh? Pretty much two places...cost on goods, and cost on payroll. So when you have attended an event there the last couple of years...and are no longer able to have a free Red Bull...there is a reason for that. Cost. Someone is trying to save money. So they can keep their job. And when you have structures designed to make tournaments play until 10pm, when they get down to 9...then return and finish the next day? Instead of a good structure...where they play until 2am...and break for the night with 2 tables still remaining? Hmmm..those 4 hours of play...and all the dealers required to deal to them? They cost money. Yeah...sure, you and I might not think it's much...and in reality, it isn't, but to these number-crunchers, it's a huge deal. So forget that ALL the prize money being generated, and ALL the money being made by the casino is ALL being contributed by the players who took part in the tournament. Yeah...I can't seem to find ANY reason why the players would, or should, have any say at ALL in how these tournaments are run. (sarc.) Since, again...its ALL of THEIR money that is making them possible in the first place. Get my point?

So...isn't it pretty obvious to those of you with a brain...that the reason for keeping me out is that I make it harder and harder for these guys to put out a bad product when they know they are going to have to deal with me calling attention to it over and over? So the easiest solution is to just lock me out and hope no one else notices, or causes a stir like they always know I will? And truth be known...they are probably right. Very few of the players I know will ever go out of their way to do anything about making the game better for everyone. They do a little bitching...then pay their buy in....go put in their time...and come back and do it again the next day. I have no respect for these people. If you are going to ever bitch about something...be willing to defend your position. And if not, then don't waste my time bitching to me about it.

So they lock me out. Tell people I'm not allowed in because 'my behaviour doesnt warrant being allowed to participate' or something else that sounds like that...something official sounding...something that makes people stare into their eyes like hypnotized cats...nodding.....ohhhh...I see....yeah.....bad monkey....he's a bad monkey....don't let him play....dont.....let....him....................play.

Hey! WAKE UP! You clowns! Can't you see that they are telling you what they are hoping they can make you believe!?? Use some common sense! If you have any!

You know what I would have liked to have seen? I would have loved to have seen this poker manager come to me...and say this:

"Listen Monkey...look, you have it all figured out. Okay? You are right. Times are tough. They are cutting corners everywhere. I have a wife and kids man. I need this job. If I put a structure out there for you like they did at Harrah's New Orleans...and a whole bunch of good players make every Final table...and all the players are happy...well, that will be great for you guys...but man, I'm gonna be honest, I will probably lose my job before too long. Because for me to have dealers working that many downs will kill my budget. Not many players were smart enough to figure this out like you did. I give you credit for that. But can you see my point? My position? Can you just maybe try to help me out, work with me a little? Instead of just slamming me? I will try to make it up in other ways if possible. I'm telling you this man-to-man so you will just back off a little. I know you really like to rally to the cause of your fellow poker players and that is why you are the way you are, right? Just try to understand, I'm trying to support a family, to make my bosses happy. Can you work with me?"

Now...the day I hear those words come out of his mouth...like they SHOULD...I WOULD actually try to help him out. But I think we know that day will never come. Why? Ego? Pride? Stubborness? I have no idea what the REAL answer is. But what goes around comes around. I think if you bring in 600-800 players for a tournament, as opposed to 300-500 (which I am predicting for this upcoming event-if I'm wrong so be it) you more than make up for the extra money paid out for dealer downs...while creating a positive impression of both your tourney and your casino. But keep on putting out bad structures (BTW, I have LOOKED at the structure for this upcoming event...they have added ONE level, the 100/200 with a 25 ante that I lobbied like hell for over the last three events...and that is the ONLY level they added. It is still...ahem, questionable) like you've been doing, while all your competitors are listening to the players and giving them the structures they want...and you will see a rapid decline in your attendance, until finally they just won't come anymore. Then you won't have to worry about cutting your costs. You will have nothing left to cut from. For a good exacmple of this...look no further than Ceaser's Palace in Las Vegas and their failed attempt to run a Mega Stacks to compete with their own property (Rio-WSOP events) and Venetian (Deepstacks) the last two summers.

Players are starting to finally 'get it' and will NOT continue to support a bad product. And at the risk of hurting my ability to play in certain venues, I will continue to bang the drum for my fellow players. This is my chosen career path. I want to see to it that we players have a voice in the decisions that are made in this game.

So go ahead, Bad Times Casino, lock me out of another event. While this is going on, I will be in town. I didn't win a PCA trip for the 7th year in a row on Pokerstars. Had a nice conversation with Jim Sterling at the I.P. the other night. Turns out, they will be running a 6pm $200 buy in tourney EVERY night that the event is going on down the street. I made him a little proposal, which I have yet to hear back on. I offered myself up as a sacrificial lamb. Sort of a nightly Bust The Monkey tourney. I get moved from one table to the next at the end of every blind level. If you bust me, you win $200, or your buy in back. This is kind of a crazy offer by me...as it would make it nearly impossible for me to win. But boy, it sure would be fun! I asked them that in return for this...they put up my buy in. That if I made the money I would refund their stake. Seems pretty fair, no? I think there are a lot of you out there who would love the chance to come over and try to CRUSH the MONKEY....isnt there?

Regardless, I am looking forward to it. They are adding in money. They are going to have a good structure. And they are bringing in good staff people. I would love to see a shitload of players make that 1 mile drive to come over and play with me. If Jim and his guys decide not to do a BUST MONKEY BOUNTY promo, thats cool. Hell, I might just put a $100 bounty on myself whenever I sit down. I think you guys can see...I am not going to let this REBUFF by the Bad Times Resort and Casino get me down.

On January 23rd, I am going with Squirrel to Seattle, where my brother and his family are coming from SF...my sister and her family are coming from Wisconsin...and we are visiting my mother and taking a family photo. I will also go visit my Father in Aberdeen and my Grandmother in Wenatchee...who just turned 96. We return on Jan 31st. Which is kind of a bummer on the timing, because I would have really loved to go play the Borgata Winter Open, which is going to be HUGE! But I made a promise that I would take this trip. So I am. As soon as I get home though...its off to Vegas for the Venetian event...which lasts for three weeks. While that is going on...LAPC is happening. So I might venture over to LA for a few events. Once that all ends, I have to decide whether to go to Reno...to play the World Poker Open...or whatever they are calling that event at the Grand Sierra...or go to Hammond, Indiana...which is pretty much Chicago...and play that event that Steve Frezer is running. The Reno event runs for 2 and a half weeks and has a lot of Omaha H/L events...which is currently my favorite game. Lots of low buy ins too. The only trouble is there is a question of what kind of fields they will attract. Small fields suck. I do have a history of running good in Reno though. I haven't been up there in a couple of years. ON the other hand, Chicago is supposed to draw really well. It only runs about 8 days. And the hotels are a lot harder to find at good prices. $45 in Reno compared with $85 in Chicago. And I would need a car in Chicago and NOT in Reno, so that is a consideration of course, too. I do need to get it figured out though. Then in April, I guess after getting turned away by the Bad Times Casino again, I will go play the WSOP ST LOUIS event, which looks impressive, and I've never been there...and have met some very cool fellow players from that area...then come back for the April event at the IP...which I hope will be huge. Then go play another fantastic Harrah's New Orleans event...before taking off for Vegas for the summer. Yep...I am looking forward to a great year!

This blog is getting really long. I know that because it has taken me a whole bowl game to get this far. And I haven't even gotten into my 2010 Rants! Should I save them for later? Or just 'bring em' to ya now???

[turnover-fest going on here in the Liberty Bowl. With all my various ventures like pools and what-not I have no idea if I am rooting for E.Carolina or Arkansas. I think I want ECU and the under! Its 10-3 ECU...under looking good!]


Squirrel is currently taking down all our Christmas decorations. That was about to be my first rant. PEOPLE...It's January 2010! It is now TIME TO TAKE DOWN YOUR CHRISTMAS stuff. Thanks Squirrel.

The garage door that she crushed when she fell through the ceiling of the garage? While getting the Christmas decorations down? Our landlord had it replaced yesterday. And didn't charge us! Wow. That was nice. We will, however be paying for the 2x3 hole she made in the ceiling.

Oh! Speaking of holes! Took  a little trip over to Pensacola the other day, to check on my drama-laden tenant who has been renting my house over there. Who has paid her rent on time ONE TIME. What did I find? Um...well, she has moved out. Yep. Owing me for December, and of course January too...since she does have a 1 year lease. She was nice enough to steal my washer and dryer. Left me a nice hole in the wall the size of a fist. Busted out the screen on my porch door, and didn't bother to clean. What a wonderful surprise that was. So now I am back to getting it in rentable condition and find another, more suitable, tenant.

I will start with ESPN's Bowl coverage. Before every game...we have to watch this Kanye West-wannabe bust out this song that is now driving me to razor blades every time I hear it. "I am the Championnnnn, play like a champion......" *(@!#&*@!  I've researched this person. His name...or 'rapper' name, is B.o.B. He is from Atlanta. His real name...Bobby Ray Simmons. How he got this gig? No clue. I hate him. I hate the song. I am close to hating ESPN.

The other thing about ESPN, and seemingly every other network...that has me throwing things at the TV...is their insistence to put a woman on the sidelines to communicate to us completely useless information. And if I were a coach and was required to give them that stupid little 1-minute pit stop on the way to the locker room at half time to talk to 'Holly' or 'Lisa' or 'Suzy' I would take that opportunity to give them an answer that was about ten times stupider than their question. I mean come on! What is the point? You are taking someone who never played a down of football in their life...and made them responsible to ask a question that is relevant to playing in a football game. I think my favorite of the year came when Notre Dame was trailing at the half...to I don't know who...but they should have been losing by 30 or more...instead of the 10 they were down.

Ditzy reporter: "Coach how does it feel going into the half trailing by 10 after all the mistakes your offense has made so far today?"

Charlie Weiss:  "I'll be honest...we've made a lot of mistakes, but our defense has played pretty good today, and I think to go in down 10 right now we have to be feeling pretty good about ourselves, and about our chances to come out strong in the 2nd half and make a game of it."

Dipshit reporter: "Coach, I'm confused...how can you feel good about being down by 10 points?"

Wow. I don't remember what his response was, or if he even bothered...but I decided that was the day I was going to start muting every halftime ditz interview...and yes, I had to go ahead and boycott the super-sexy Erin Andrews too...because if I didn't I would just be a hypocrite.

A few more things I'm sick of in football, mostly college. At the start of the 4th quarter? The players holding up 4 fingers? Okay...that was kind of neat 5 years ago when it got started. Guess what? It's over. It's played out. It's not neat, it's not cool, it's just stupid. Quit doing it already.

The music chant songs. Ugh! Kill me. They don't have names, just sounds. The worst? Whoaaaaaaaaaaa,oh oh oh ohhhhhh ohhhhhh, whoaaaaaaaaa oh oh oh ohhhhhhh ohhhhhhh! Know the one? What's the purpose? Why do they do it? It's completely retarded. It's bad enough listening to the FSU morons with their chant...but at least they can give you a reason for it. Even though its mostly BS. NO MORE SONG CHANTS.

Here is one that I am REALLY sick of. Because it's just a reflection of how stupid our society is.  The Play is Under Further Review.  What's that you say? Its under FURTHER review? Was it already reviewed once before? Oh wait...no it wasn't because it JUST occurred. Right? So, in that case...the play....IS UNDER REVIEW. Just under review. Not under FURTHER review. Idiots!

[good lord, now these teams are scoring like there is no defense on the field...from 10-0 at the half to 17-17 in the 3rd quarter. Slow it down boys, slow it down!]

The Saints have lost two in a row. People are panicking. The wheels on the bandwagon are getting a little unstable. I love it. One thing I love are people who are super-over-confident. Who think their team in invinceable. I happen to think these two losses are good for them. Who wants to go into the postseason 16-0 with the whole world giving you their greatest effort? Makes it hard. I'd rather go in on a losing streak with everyone ignoring your chances. Kind of like they did with Arizona last year. The Cards should have been Super Bowl Champs. And people would have been talking about Kurt Warner as one of the NFL's greatest big game QB's ever. But instead the Steelers luckboxed their way to the win. I think the Saints have as good a chance as anyone of going to South Florida in February.

There is one guy I would love to duct tape to a pole and hit with a sock full of nickels though, if I was a season ticket holder for the Indianapolis Colts. Jim Caldwell, first year coach. You are 14-0. You stadium is FULL of fans who have paid a lot of money to see their team shoot for a perfect season. That has to be why they are there right, since they have already clinched the best record in the league and home field advantage? So they have shown up right? But would the team? Oh...sure. For 3 quarters they did. Led 15-10. And then, Caldwell yanks all his top starters. And the Colts shit the bed. Completely. Bring in a guy named Lance Painter, who kills them. Manning is seen begging to go back in. He is rebuffed. His face turns sour. The fans are booing. I'm not even a Colts fan, and I am furious. The Colts lose. Now, 14-1. And in the postgame interviews, the Colts owners and coaches try to justify it. I'm sorry, you cannot justify it. It was a chicken shit move. Total horseshit. One of the dumbest things I have ever seen in my life of watching sports. You already have a Super Bowl title. You have a shot at HISTORY. No one ever remembers the records of a team if they win the Super Bowl...unless they go UNBEATEN. You go 19-0....no one ever forgets you. 18-1? Okay, whatever. You won the Super Bowl. Yay! To a real fan...they will NEVER, EVER be able to justify that move. Because it was RIDICULOUS!

[oh boy we just got us another useless, unimformative report from our clueless sideline reporter...telling us that Arkansas won't be able to win if they arent able to stop ECU's offense! Really? Thats how you win? Don't allow the other team to score? Wow! Thanks...I think I will take up the sport of football!]

Nice road crew working for the State of Alabama. Driving home on Christmas Day...I see a dead dog on the left side of the highway...directly across from a rest area on I-10. 6 days later...when coming home from Pensacola, I see the same exact dog, still there. The cold weather seems to be preserving the dog fairly well. How does that dog stay there for SIX days?

Gas station assholes. You know there are two things that make me nuts. When you pull into one of those stations that have like 6 rows of pumps...with two pumping stations on each side....right? Cars are everywhere. And a side opens up. But the car in front of you...instead of pulling all the way up to the first pump...instead pulls up just to the 2nd one...and stops there, leaving the 1st one unusused, but impossible for you to get to. Are you serious!?? Hey! Assmunch...pull up will ya? And they just look at you...like you have 3 eyes. Or killed their dog. Um...dude? Really....can you move up!?? Nope? Wow.

Then there is the asshole, who in that same scenario...is the last person on Earth who pays for their gas with cash...instead of sliding their debit or credit card like everyone else. And after pumping...or hell even before...they take that long stroll into the store to pay for it. The worst is when they have already pumped it though....and already paid for it....but now they decide to go BACK into the store to buy something else...and LEAVE their fucking car there....while you are just sitting there...waiting for them to move their piece of shit car so you can get gas!!!! That guy needs a punch right in the nose!

Had a fun little incident at the tanning salon the other day. Check that. The gym! Planet Fitness on Pass Road and Popp's Ferry to be exact. They happen to have tanning there. I go there the other day just to tan. Hear the girl next to me arguing with the blonde-headed idiot behind the desk about something. Not really paying attention. Then I ask to tan, fill out my name on the sign in sheet/waiver. She asks me if I have my goggles? Huh? My what? For two months, I've been going there and never been asked for goggles. Then I notice, on the counter...a little display set up...with goggles, for sale, for $3.10. Ahhhh I get it. They call this a mandatory sale item in marketing lingo. I call it a racket. See the owner of the gym and the owner of this stupid goggles manufacturer have hatched a deal to make people buy goggles. Well, this is the kind of shit that makes me crazy. So I go off on her. Telling her that by signing the waiver, we are accepting the risk that comes from laying in a tanning bed. She tries to go with...."It's a law."

Um...yeahhhhh...thats not gonna fly blondie. See...there is a near impossibility that any congressman ever walked a bill into the State Legislature demanding that all patrons of tanning salons be required by law to protect their eyes with goggles! No...but good luck...because most people will actually fall for that one! Most people aren't very smart. So then she moves on to this douzy! Well, I'm just a peon and do what my boss tells me to do. Oh I see, your a peon. How nice. A peon who spouts false information? So this other girl says..."Come on...who's gonna know if I just go in there and tan without goggles...just let me go, please?"

You'll love this reply! "I can't. My owner sits at home and watches on surveillance to make sure everyone is using goggles in their bed!"

No way! This is too good! I literally look at her and ask her if her owner is there. "No, I don't even know who the owner is." Really? Wow, you don't know MUCH of anything do you? How about a manager? "She's off today!" Well, I am assuming there is someone here with some level of responsibility above yours, isnt there? "Let me try and call the manager." Which she does...and starts trying to explain the problem....at length, "Wouldnt you think just handing me the phone and talking to her would be a lot easier?" So she does. The manager ends up being a complete bitch.

My opening statement...

"Hi, I think for you to have someone at your front desk who refers to herself as a PEON that doesnt know anything  might not be how you want to represent yourself as a professional establishment."

To which she responds by yelling at me "Hey! how dare you call my employee a PEON!!!"

Um....no, you missed what I said...she is referring to HERSELF as a peon. Claiming not to KNOW anything!  She is trying to convince people its a LAW to have to wear goggles, which its clearly NOT. And she has volunteered to us that your owner is sitting at home violating the 'peeping tom' laws by gazing down upon unsuspecting customers as they go into their rooms to tan....under the guise of 'making sure they are wearing goggles.' Yeah...you are like 24 hours away from being out of business lady!

Does she attempt to appease me in any way? Naw...instead she offers to cancel my membership without a cancellatoin fee. Oh! Hey awesome, thanks! You are obviously a very fine manager. I'm guessing she was freaking out because I had figured out their little scam that they were running with GOGGLE-GATE!!!! Well, I just left. I went across the street and bought some goggles for $1 at the other tanning place and went back a few days later to tan.

When will this FreeCreditReport.com dork who sings this stupid song in these commercials finally get hit by a city bus and be out of our lives forever?

Anyone seen the SkinIT.com commercials? There are two of them. One features an absolutely stunning blonde girl...just hot. Like...Heidi Klum 15 years ago hot. And then the other...is like a total 180. Skinny, annoying, Eminem-looking dude doing some computer-generated super-annoying rap about why you might want to buy a skin from SkinIt.com. Never have I hated and loved a product endorsement so much at the same time.

The room is now full of those rubbermaid containers, all containing Christmas decorations. I think I see a trip to the attic coming for Mr. Monkey. One that will NOT result in a busted up garage door.

I think thats about it. We will NOT, obviously be going to the BCS title game. But Squirrel's brother, Uncle and Cousin are all going to be there. Lucky boys. Should be a great game. We will probably just have a bunch of people over to watch the game. If they win I will probably need to sleep in the guest room for a couple of days cuz Squirrel might be untolerable. Go Bama.

MONKEY

Okay, out from my cave of despair....

Alright. I guess I'm ready to talk about this. Sometimes all it takes is a 6-hour road trip to visit your in-laws to replay things in your mind, reflect on your life, think about the things that are truly important...and remember where you were a year or two (or sometimes longer) ago to get yourself to being right in the head again.

Then I logged on here and read some of the comments. Those, along with all of the incredibly supportive comments on my Facebook the last few days, and that were texted to me...have made me see how lucky I am to have people out there who actually give a rat's ass about what happens to me.
To all of you, thanks. It means a lot...and during this long drive I've realized something...it should mean MORE than I let it.

I'm becoming a bit of a ...whoa, the proper word escapes me here. I have the same problem developing in poker that I had when I played sports.

Oh...sorry, if I am killing those of you in suspense with my lead in here, those who just want to know what the hell happened at the Final Table yesterday. Okay...for you guys...I finished 8th. Yeah. 8th. Great huh? I will give details (scant as they were) later in this entry.

Back to my problem. I am very competitive. Always have been. I am also a couple of other things. Yeah, feel free to fill in the blanks with your favorite adjective here. I am overly superstitious. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like a mo-fo. I have raging Adult Deficit Disorder as well. And on top of all, I'm  pretty sure that I am living in Stage 1 Depression. Unmedicated. And oh yeah...my back and knees are a mess. And on top of it all I guess its safe to say that I have anger issues. I allow things to annoy me (the O.C.D. usually being the triggering mechanism, someone repeatedly playing with their chips is a good one. A guy whistling...another good one. Someone chewing their gum with their mouth open...the list is long) and they slowly build up. Then, add in other ingredients...like looking down at 3-7 offsuit over and over and over...and slowly...like a time bomb...I find myself looking for a good place to plant myself so that I can appear on the 7pm Nightly News.

Another thing that I found that does this to me is a guy who I KNOW to be simply stealing my BB on the button for 1 of two reason. (1) he is one of those online guys who simply raises the button EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHANCE he gets. (2) He has heard that I am incredibly tight and will almost never defend my blind against a button raise. Both of these make me want to grab the longest, sharpest sword I can get my hands on, get two of my most trusted fellow poker players to hold this particular individual down...and take the biggest swing at this guy's neck anyone has ever seen. Then, when his head rolls onto the floor, pick it up off the ground and start talking to him. "Hi Motherfucker! How you doing? Let me turn your face around pal so you can look at the rest of your body. Especially those two rat-like paws of yours that keep grabbing 2.75 times the BB so you can fuck with my mind. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not...because now, hopefully, the poker world will be a lot better place with you OUT OF IT. Or maybe that dude who made that cartoon on Adult Swim can put your stupid head in a jar and one of your idiot internet friends can carry you around with them to poker tourneys and plop you on a table somewhere and be your hands. Would that make you happy? Or I could just take you home with me and toss you out on the back porch and tell my dog Jasper that you are a new ball. He would have a lot of fun with you. You are going to hate though how he insists on squishing you in his mouth over and over and getting you all wet and nasty with his drool before he drops you at my feet so that I can throw you across the lawn again, bouncing off the fence first and back into the dog feces-littered back yard. How does that kind of life sound?"

Oh by the way...I still havent gotten into 'my problem' yet. At least the one that I am admitting to. I think those of you out there who actually know me know that I'm not right in various ways. And clearly a guy who plays poker and is talking about lopping some fuckers head because he won't quit raising his BB every time has issues, right? Come on...you all KNOW you have thought these thoughts before...I just happen to maybe be the only one who will admit to it. Kind of like the guy in 10th grade who kept insisting over and over that he didn't jerk off. Ha! Whole 'nother topic!

My problem. And at the risk of sounding Phil Helmuthian, which is what I am fearing this condition may be leading to, I will try very hard to make it make sense. I am a bit of a perfectionist. Always have been. If I fold ten shirts and put them on my shelf, and one of them is off center I will restack the entire stack. If a black sock gets into my white socks, I flip out. If I hit the best tee shot of my life but follow it up with a shot that lands ten feet off the back of the green, I come unglued. My problem, as it relates to poker...is either better or worse, depending upon your point of view.

Why do I fear that this may be my longest blog ever? Why? Because it might be. Its been a long road trip...and the way Squirrel is driving right now I have a feeling there could be a lot more to write about before its all said and done. [ she is very close to her family, and is in a real hurry to see them, kind of like you and I would be if they told you there were 8 of the drunkest guys you've ever seen, who have decided to learn how to play poker tonight all sitting at the same 2/5 table down at your local casino!]

Okay Monkey...cut to the chase. I like to win! In fact...I love to win. I want to win. Every time I sit down, I want to win. Period. Losing sucks. It always sucks. Its never fun to lose. When I first started playing...I didn't know what it felt like to win. Because I had never won. I remember the first time I cashed. I cashed light. It was in Tunica. I was thrilled. I look back on it now and I giggle. I was a poker loser. Because I wasn't playing to win. I was playing to get lucky and make the money. A joke. So a couple years went by. I played more. I learned more. I quit my stupid, boring ass job. Now I had no choice but to start winning once in awhile. Before I won I would take 5th, 4th, 3rd, and 2nd several times...which won me a lot of money but didn't give me the feeling you get after you win. Sitting there with all the chips. Getting 'your picture made' as my wife says in her Alabamian twang. And signing your name at the very TOP of the payout list. Its a fuckin awesome feeling. And once you have it...its the only feeling you WANT to have. I've had that feeling five times this year. Two huge tourneys, one big tourney, one decent tourney, and one small tourney. FIVE. All alone. Me, the chips, the monkeys, the photo, the trophy if there is one, and all the money.

So now...when I sit down at a Final Table, that is all I think about. Being the last one there. And then you can throw in one more thing. When I make a Final Table with a bunch of experienced players, and internet 'specialists' I have another thing pushing me. Most of those guys think I am this 'super nit' and that they can exploit me. Granted they also have a very high level of respect for my raises. TK Miles promised me the other day that if I would give him a half an hour that he could make me such a better player with two tables left. I don't shut myself off to anyone who I think has something to maybe offer. TK is one person who I tremendously respect. He is very, very tough. And we seriously have two different games. I think a lot of a person's game mirrors their personality. One of the things about poker that I find incredibly captivating. And equally frustrating. So when I am at a Final Table with a bunch of these young, internet boys...I feel a heightened sense of pressure inside of me where I want to crush them. To prove that a guy who plays like I do can dominate them like they think they are going to dominate me. So when a day goes like yesterday did, it just gives me a hundred thousand reasons to feel pissed.

Squirrel showed up to watch the Final Table yesterday. Granted, she was late...because she got lost. My wife...sigh....she's so pretty. During the game, and after...she told me, "Sweetie, you have GOT to quit getting so angry when things arent going good, and when you lose. You are going to make yourself crazy."

She's right. I think. Not totally positive. I have one ultimate goal. To win a million dollars. To buy us a nice house. To get one or two sweet cars. To pay off everything I owe. To have a child or two, and put 100k in a money market account to have for their college educations. And to have enough to just not have to worry about working. And oh yeah...taking out a lease with 6 other guys on a private jet, so I can totally avoid airports and airlines and their stupid asshole employees. Thats it. That is all I really want. So all these scores of $1100, $2700, $7000, $9300, $27,000, $44,000....yeah they are wonderful. But what are they really accomplishing? Other than making a little bit for my backer and enough for me to live a relatively comfortable life and not have to get a real job. Nothing really. So when I have a chance like yesterday to make a GOOD score....$71,000....which would have gotten my backer to a place she has never been before and which would have probably led to me paying off every damn credit card I owe money on...and both loans I have out...I win $9000. Yippee. And this gets me zero steps closer to my goal. Even 2nd or 3rd would have been enough to make me smile. $44k or $33k would have been pretty nice. But 9k? Pfft! And when I have all these people telling me how great I played, how happy I should be...it just doesn't fly.

Sure...5 years ago, if you told me that I was going to cash 4 times in one week...including a Main Event Final table cash...and win a Mega Satellite to get into it...not paying the $3k buyin...I would have never believed you when you told me I wasn't happy about it. Back then...I would have felt like I was the greatest player ever. But not now. Those cashes? 12th, 8th, 18th?  Big deal. Remember before this event started? I set my goals as this: Make 3 final tables, win one of them and cash in the Main Event. Not even close. But I am told I had the most cashes of any player at the New Orleans event. I'm supposed to feel good about that, arent I? Then why don't I? Simple. I didn't win. And I didn't get any closer to an easier life. Some might think that after I win that million that I will still feel and think the same way. I really don't think so. I watch Hellmuth, and he makes me sick. He has so many career cashes, so many wins, has made MILLIONS of dollars, yet when he loses, he goes ballistic. On the other players, on anyone close to him...and rants and raves about why he lost. No one should ever want to be like that. I know I don't.

So....wanna hear about yesterday? As of right now I have no idea who won. And frankly, I don't really care. All I know is, it wasn't ME...and that is who I was rooting for. Yeah, I was rootin for Monkey. Were you? I hope so. Otherwise, why in the hell are you reading this?  Maybe looking for secret ways to get in my head? Or a reason to get me 86'd from a casino? Yeah...I suppose those are always possible options.

The previous night I talked to Steve about who the Final Table dealers would be. He asked if I had any dealers I wanted to request. Well, duh...of course I did. Can you say....N-E-A-L!??? My super ridiculously lucky double dealer all week! All I asked, was that Nga and Erin Holt please not be the dealers. He said that Erin was indeed on the schedule, but that he didn't think she would deal because she was 'nervous' about dealing it. Nervous? Hmmm. If you guys have ever played with her dealing to you...then it could be argued that she is nervous all the time. She gets this very weird look on her face when she is dealing....kind of hard to explain. It would be easier if you just saw it for yourself. But she kind of fixates on the middle of the table...and stares down at it with this look on her face like she is afraid of something. Its bizare, and kind of spooky. And me with my O.C.D. I will just sit there and stare at her, unable to watch anything else...but her in her trance-like state...washing the deck...staring at one place...deer-in-the-headlight look on her face. And then she will start dealing...and 91.5% of the time she will give me a hand resembling 4-8 offsuit, or within 2 or 3 in either direction...you know? 3-7. 2-9. 4-10. That shit. But on the hands where she actually gives me an AJ or KQ suited, and I decide to get brave and play it...there is usually someone either jamming on me...or simply calling, watching me flop nothing and betting into me huge. Yay! 'Holted' again!

So when I marched into Harrah's yesterday...I marched with a spring in my step. It was sunny. My wife was on her way over. It was almost Christmas. My knee felt pretty good today. I just read about 20 'good luck' shout outs. Had my crystal monkeys, and my lucky Final table beads. What could go wrong? This was going to be a great day.

Then I walk into the theatre. I look up on the stage...the final table area...and there, sitting at the table...is Erin Holt. No way. You gotta be kidding me. This is NOT happening. Wait a second. I bet its a joke. Yeah. Thats it. Its Steve's way of fucking with me. You know? Just keeping me loose. Yeah...that has to be it. So I go find him. "Steve...thats pretty funny man." "What? Whats funny?" Oh shit. Creepy feeling hits the pit of my stomach. "That! Up there!" And I point up at the stage. "Oh! Ya...well, I don't think she will be up there long, she is just pushing through...most likely she won't even deal you guys a hand." Phew. Okay. Good. "What about Neal? Is he going to get a shot to deal?" And then...when he told me he was...I felt that jubilation returning to my inner self.

We all take our seats. We un-bag our chips. I say 'Hi' to Erin in a very pleasant tone, acting like I am not alarmed that she is there. Why would I? Because she is leaving soon, right? No reason to get her all upset. Because her and I BOTH KNOW that I do not want her there. She has been the Monkey Wrecking Ball for the last 8 months. And I don't care what you people say with your 'Oh Monkey, your just being stupid. She doesnt control the cards. You cant blame the dealer. Yeah, like she is TRYING to knock you out. Quit being stupid.' Kind of how people tell Gabe Costner that he is out of his mind when it comes to his automatic card shuffler conspiracy theory. Hey...listen...as much as Gabe believes his theory, I am 100% convinced that as long as Erin Holt is dealing to me, I am fucking doomed.

She says to me..."Did Steve tell you the good news?" I play stupid. "Good news? What? They are giving me an additional 200k to play with?"  "No, your favorite dealer Neal is going to be dealing the Final Table today." "Oh no way! Wow, thats great news!" And in the back of mind I'm thinking..."annnnnd you are leavingggggg when? Like...uh.....NOW? Please!"

Nope! Not now. Not even close. And the button starts in the 4 seat. I am in the 6 seat. Internet asshole starts the action right  on cue...raising my big blind. I have 37 offsuit and give it up. And sigh. Hand two is 2-7. Sigh. Hand #3 is AJ of hearts, on the button....and it folds to me. Nice. I raise from 3k/6k to 18k. Ben Mintz is in the BB...and decides to raise another 25k. Jeezuz. WTF. Ace Jack...started out looking like AA...now it looks like A4. Thanks Erin. @**(&@  7 more hands are dealt. All complete shit. Then...I pick up KQ of diamonds. I raise. And the old guy in the 9 seats shoves all in. FUCK! Fold. When is she leaving????? 12 hands in and she is STILL HERE!

Finally, after 19 hands that felt like 900...NEAL arrives! And not a moment too soon, as my 159k has become 80k. I've now become the shortstack. Bye Erin! On Neal's 2nd hand he gives Old Man #1 a pair of 55's when I folded 56. He gives Old Man #2, Jim Wright I think his name is (really cool dude) AK. They get it in. King hits. Player down. I make another $1100. On his 4th hand I raise with 88. No no one calls. Yeah baby, here we go! On his 8th hand I get AK. I raise. No action. Okay, drag another 20k pot. Back up to about 115k. We can do this...yes we can. Then after the 9th hand...the NINTH HAND....Jason shows up. What? Why? I look at the time clock. Its only been 21 minutes that Neal has been dealing. What the fuck is going on? I ask Steve. He doesn't really know. Maybe they are breaking early? Jolyn has done the schedule. I am now just having a mental come apart. Jason has also been killing me all week.

And it all kind of started last week, after an incident with him. Now I typically like Jason, and have known him for 5 years, since he was dealing at the Grand in Biloxi. He knows my wife pretty well, and she likes him too. But what happened in this SNG just PISSSED me off. I was in the BB and attmepting to get to my seat...but there was this guy standing behind someone sweating the player...which they are not allowed to be doing. And I couldnt get past him to get to my seat. And Jason could easily see this. But as I finally get around the guy...and get into my seat Jason swipes away my cards. You gotta be kidding me. WTF!?? "You gotta be in your seat Will." Oh I went nuts. And then HE CALLS FLOOR! And asks them to 'explain to Will the rule about being in your seat before your cards are dealt." It could NOT have come out sounding any more condescending. I was livid! "Yeah? well how about explaing to Jason the rule about keeping the rail cleared of birds? Or keeping them at least 3 feet away from the table? Or about using a little discretion when you can see the player trying to get to his seat but is blocked? Or just not being a jerk!" Yeah that was last week...and since then...every time he has pushed into my table, he won't make eye contact with me. Gee, wonder why that is? Maybe because he knows he was in the wrong? And coincidentally, I am almost positive that he hasn't pushed me a worthwhile pot every since...so when its HIM pushing out Neal...I feel about the same as I did when I walked in and saw Erin sitting up there. That feeling? DOOMED.

Which is exactly what I was. DOOMED. I blind down to 10 BB's through the effective distribution of garbage hands for two or three orbits. Then I get AK utg and do the only thing I can do...I ship. No one calls. Yay. Back to 12 BB's. But now I am BB. And 'you-know-who' is about to raise my BB again. The motherfucker. And yep...he does. And I swear to God...If I see J10 or better its all going in there. But what do I see instead? 2-9. (!@*#$(&*!@


I get down to 60k. Blinds are now 5k/10k. I am having a melt down. Squirrel is telling me I'm not gonna win with 'that negative attitude.' I am starting to wish she wasn't there. She just doesnt 'get it.' Not at all. Yeah dear, my negative attitude is exactly why my day is going like this. I am having that feeling where you want to grab your chest cavity with each hand...and just rip yourself open...pull out organs one at a time...and either start eating them...or throwing them at people. Im losing it.

Oh...Jason is leaving! Finally! And in comes....oh...whats his name? Can't remember...but he had been neither good to me or bad to me all week. But hes a good dealer, a nice kid...and I was real happy to see him. On his 3rd hand he gives me AK. Sweet. Well, unfortunately I only have one move. I ship. Guy in the BB folds A7. Dammit. I would have loved a call there. That would be my last winning hand. Carwash...who was again getting lucky all day...like the time he had JJ...and a guy put him all in holding AQ...hits the ace....and even though I had folded J10...CarWash hits the one-outer Jack. I like Carwash a lot. I would never wish defeat on him. But damn...I would have liked to make another $1500. And I know John Dolan sure wishes I would have called for 12,400 the night before with A7 when the blinds were 2k/4k and he pushed all in with Q10. But I had 140k, had been trending downward for awhile..and had no guarantee that the other guy (the button blind-raiding bandit guy) who called his all-in was going to check it down. And what the hell? A-7? Like, what am I beating there? I was even slightly accused of 'collusion' for NOT making that call. That is just retarded. And offensive.  Pretty sure it was just sour grapes since I busted him with my AA vs his A6 on the bubble. And had I called Carwash with A7 he would have been the bubble instead. Whatever. I had no save with Carwash. No piece. We have never 'hung out' before. We aren't related. Hell I don't even have his phone number! Yeah...we were FOR SURE colluding. Fucking joke.

So when Carwash raises...and I look at JJ...I get that awful feeling. Best hand I've had all day. And somehow I know its no good. Carwash has just chipped up over 100k after being short all day. I know there is no way he is raising here without a really good hand. But I have less than 10 BB's and simply can't fold JJ. I have to hope he has 10-10 or AK. But when I shove all in, he makes that face..that..."Sorry Monkey, as much as I wish I could fold, I can't" and I know I am fucked. He turns over KK. Shit. And do I hit a two-outer? Naw. Why would I on this day? I laugh a little, walk over to him...tell him I wish I would have taken him out when I had a chance, half jokingly...but wish him luck...shake a few guys hands....and leave. Go get my shitty payout...which gets tapped for 6% by the State of Louisiana. Then I give the dealers 3%...which would have been a lot more if I hadn't felt like I got royally hosed in that department. 3% from me is akin to getting stiffed.

Then came the 'atta boys' from the various players and dealers around the room. The women's tourney and the Senior's tourney was going on so at least there wasnt a setting similar to a funeral, which actually would have been fitting. Its so hard when you lose like that...early at a Final Table and have to respond to people telling you 'way to go' and 'congratulations' when you feel like a big fucking loser. You want to be gracious in defeat...I mean, you're supposed to right? I really tried to be upbeat. It was just impossible. Then I had to go wrestle with the morons in the cage...which is always an adventure. I drop $5700 in chips on the counter and a $3000 voucher and watched 7...yeah SEVEN black women scramble around back there for 18 minutes trying to figure out how to handle this MASSIVE payout. It would have been one thing to be there cashing out $70,974 and waiting this long. But 9K? Come on! For fuck's sake. And while this is going on...people are piling up behind me. I am giving them the skinny, and apologizing for contributing to the slowdown. They aren't mad at me at all. But a riot almost breaks out before they finally give me my money. She starts counting it out...faster than I can even keep up with...and all the bills in opposite directions. Again...O.C.D. strikes again. I'm having a mental fit now. Knowing I am going to have to RECOUNT this money, AND face all the bills. Where do they find these people? Squirrel and I count it out...to the side of the counter...in case its off and they try to accuse us of pocketing a couple c-notes in a scam. Mercifully its correct.

We decide we are starving and craving a good meal. So we go to Besh again. Well, again for me...three times this week. She shows her country side...not understanding what an 'amuse' is...the little morsel they bring you to 'awaken your appetite' before the meal begins. Nor is she understanding what the pate is that they bring you to spread on the hard toast. I friggin love that stuff. As does everyone else I've dined with this week. But ya know? I wouldn't want to married to an uptight little bitch who loves all the finer things in life. Because if she was like that...she would also be wanting me to buy her a BMW and fancy clothes and shit too, right? She is perfectly happy in her Ford Fusion. She's cute. Its funny watching her struggle through menus in places like this. I love her.

After dinner she takes her car and drives home. I go get moved out of my hotel room and check on my computer to see how my 3 fantasy playoff matchups went. Oh...wonderful...I lost them ALL! Every single one of them. How bad is that? And thanks to Oakland AGAIN upsetting someone...as well as a couple of other upsets yesterday, we lost a HUGE number of people in all of my various Survivor Pools...and I am still alive in some shape and form in all of them...so that was actually kind of good news. I finally get out of there...and get back to Biloxi around 10pm...where I found Squirrel already passed out. I stayed up doing laundry and catching up with my dogs. Then when I finally went to bed...I just laid there, unable to sleep, thinking about my day...about the Final table flameout. About my life. About this trip north for Christmas with the family. Our first in 8 years as a married couple. I need to act happy. Not all glum like I was feeling all day yesterday. They are the happiest bunch of people I've ever known. They all love each other so much. And at this time of the year..isn't  that really a lot more important than not winning some damn poker tournament? I think so.

Hey. I almost forgot to mention. HUGE shoutout to my good buddy Joe Cutler, or "CRACKHAAD" on Pokerstars for you clowns who only know people by their usernames (yes I am talking to YOU brandonjarret.com!) for putting together a great week on Stars last week, and WINNING the TLB (tournament leader board) for the week. What a huge accomplishment. I did that ONCE...like 4 years ago...and it felt amazing. But to do it now...even more so..as there must be at least 200-300 thousand more players playing on that site. And he is giving ME credit for getting him back into playing the smaller stakes online...which I got him into when we were rooming together down in Aruba. Fine...I will take a little credit...but all the kudos from me goes to him for being a fine player. And on top of that...my good buddy Steve "Banger" Anger...who lives up in Windsor, Ontario....texts me last night..."Monkey, look me up on Tilt....I can't believe this." So I do. He is at the Final Table of the Double Deuce ($22 buy in) on Full Tilt with over 10,000 players! There is only 6 left. One guy has 18 million and the rest of them have between 2 and 3 million. Wow. Blinds at 80k/160k. Interesting. And on the first hand out of break...Banger picks up AJ with a guy behind him raising half his stack...and as I am saying "I think I would wait for another hand man...." he shoves all in over the top...and runs into AA. Whoops. But he tells me this guy has been playing like a complete shove-tard all game...and that he would have never folded to this guy. Oh well, I know how that goes. Suppose the guy could just as easily had A5 from what it sounded like. Still, Banger cashed for over $6k. Pretty awesome for him.

Also, one more time, I would like to thank the management at Harrah's for putting on such a great tournament. The staff was great. The structures were simply amazing. Every final table had excellent players at them...and the structure is 100% responsible for that. I wish like hell that everyone would just take this example and follow it to the cue. It was perfect.

We are six minutes away Squirrel says...from her Mom's house...so let me wrap this up. I hope you all have a GREAT Christmas...if I don't blog before then...which I probably won't. Again...thanks for all of your kind words and wishes in this last week. It was very exciting. I know, I have a lot to be thankful for...I will try very hard to start focusing more on that.

Love Ya Guys!!!

MONKEY