Some of my readers may think my patriotism should at times be called into question. Fair enough. I do my fair share of ranting and raving about our countries politics. Some of it, I know...I am way off base about. Mainly where it involves that puppet Barack Obama.
Look, just for the record, I know the deal. Barack...he's not really to blame. He was the right guy at the right time for the desperate Democrats. Bush had his stranglehold on the White House for 8 years...and the Republicans were lining up for another 4. That's when the puppet-masters, the guys who operate behind the scenes and DECIDE, more or less, who our next President is going to be. And it was Barack's turn. So everyting lined up just perfect for him. He had bright ideas, and gusto, and was black...which brought voters out of the wordwork like no other time in our history.
The result? Landslide. People, a lot of them on welfare, unemployment and/or homeles dancing and crying in the streets, as if somehow their lives were about to change. Pffft. We know the outcome now, three years later. Things aren't better. There isn't any great change. In fact...things are worse. Inflation, worse. Unemployment, worse. National Debt, not just worse, but a joke. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, at a stalemate, with losses mounting, both fiscally and in the body count. Bottom line...our country is a mess.
But is it Barack's fault? I don't think so. Is it Bush's fault before him? To a degree. The amount of money spent on the two wars overseas are unbearable for us to sustain. A 5-year war is good for the economy, to an extent. A 10-year war is good for nothing. The Iraq war was misguided and borderline illegal. The Afghanistan war was completely justified, but mismanaged. And now...to pull out, is not an option. Not with what is happening in that region.
No...the fault, I believe...falls on our two-party system. Two groups of grown men and women who refuse to cooperate, refuse to make decisions with the good of our country in mind. Its all about 'voting on party lines' and not rocking the boat. About saving face, about representing their party. About posturing themselves to either take back the White House or wrestle away a majority in the House and/or Senate. And what it does is prevent our country from making progress. ANY progress. And as a nation, we just keep falling further and further behind. And who takes the blame? The guy sitting in the White House, of course...because Americans refuse (for the most part) to look any deeper into any of the issues.
In reality, it's a form of laziness. Don't research the issue. Don't ask questions. Just read the end result, and if you don't like it...blame Obama. Period. Does anyone dispute this? Imagine a day in the life of the President, and you have 10 things you want to accomplish...but then your Cabinet informs you that none of them passed because of a Republican blockade in the House or Senate. What next? I think if I'm Obama I have just about lost my fucking mind by now. Honestly...I don't know how he does it, and keeps that plastered on smile of his.
What got me on this subject today? When clearly there is all kinds of crazy, fucked up shit for me to write about? Some even poker based? It would be the events of the last 24 hours in Afghanistan that have me emotionally twisted.
I got started by talking about my level of patriotism, correct? Do not confuse my frustration with our politicians, the governmental infrustructure...and what they are slowly doing to our country as a whole as me not loving my country...the U.S.A. Because that is not the case. I think that there are those out there who make this country GREAT. Who understand WHY our ancestors all got on a boat...and got the FUCK out of England...and France, and Germany, and Italy and all other places on the planet. So we could go to the land of opportunity, to work our asses off, to fight for what we hoped to achieve in life.
To start our own nation, where WE would decide how we were governed. Where the fruits of our labor would be shared...not ciphoned off into a monarchy, or to a dictator. And at the heart of that...are the soldiers who sign up to defend that decision. Who put their lives on the line...so that we may continue to enjoy the freedoms that we do. (that some may argue are slowly be stripped away from us) These are men and women who NEVER question (openly anyway) their orders, who don't second guess their leaders. Who don't walk in fear.
Yesterday...the same unit who hunted down Osame bin Laden (that piece of shit!) and put his ass on the bottom of the ocean...were in the middle of an operation, where 22 of them (along with 16 other soldiers, including a dog) piled into a CH-47 Chinook Helicopter...and flew into a combat zone deep inside of Taliban controlled Wardak Province.
The operation did not go according to plan. As has happened a lot in this 'War on Terror'...some scumbag with a shoulder-fired RPG...brought that helicopter down, blowing it out of the sky, and killing 38 of the finest-trained soldiers on the planet, and delivering to the doorsteps of 31 families around the nation (7 of the soldiers were from Afghanistan), two men in uniform, showing up to tell them their loved one had been killed in action.
Seal Team Six...who two months ago was the talk of the world for hunting down the leading terrorist on the planet, today is the source of sadness, despair and heartbreak. Men who go through the most brutal, arduous training on Earth, for years, where millions of dollars go into their training...an asset that can ill afford to be lost, let alone losing 7% of your total unit! There are currently 300 members of Seal Team 6...and that number just shrank by 22. I'm sure those cocksuckers living in their tents are celebrating today, like we did two months ago. I guess this is what war is all about, battles. Won. And lost. We lost a big one this weekend.
But I don't think we can lose sight of the objective in Afghanistan. The Taliban cannot be allowed to govern that region of the world. No way. Not with nuclear arsenals sitting right next door in Pakistan...and a large percentage of Pakistanis being sympathic to the cause of the Taliban. Not with their close relationships with Al Quaeda. No freaking way. Do we need 150,000 troops there? And 50,000 more in Iraq? That see us bleeding nearly 1 billion dollars a week from the budget? Hell no. Get the fuck OUT of Iraq. Pull our stabilization troops out of Afghanistan. Quit building them new roads, and schools and everything else. They don't appreciate it anyway. And Karzai is a two-faced weasel. Leave our special forces there...and let them hunt. And hunt. And hunt some more. Let our Predator and Raptor drones do their jobs of seeking out and killing these piece of shit scumbags.
Oh...and if Pakistan has a big problem with it? You can tell their lying, two-faced President Asif Zardari to kiss our ass. Oh and that $2.5b in aide we send him every year? He can kiss that goodbye too. Its time we start tightening our belts...and kicking some ass. REAL men died today. Men with a mission they believed in. For a country they believed in. We should honor these men...by demanding that our leaders start acting on behalf of ALL of us...not just those who vote Republican, or those who vote Democrat.
REST IN PEACE DEAD SOLDIERS....you are not forgotten!!!!
I dedicate to those killed in action.....this beautiful rendition of 'Bring Him Home' from Les Miserables sang by Johnny Mathis:
[here is a nice interruption. As I'm typing this...my phone rings...it says 'BLOCKED' and predicably, its a guy (I think) with a voice like a munchkin, claiming to be a friend of Chad Burns' asking me a list of questions...most having to do with wondering if I take in the ass. Really? You can all fill in your own variety of punchlines to how the rest of THAT conversation went. I literally am praying, every day...that a member of the Taliban (Al Quaeda would be fine, too) drives a car packed with explosives into the house where Chad lives...preferably while he is HOME...and the owner who Chad rents from (who I happen to know is a friend of one of our readers) is NOT home. After Orange Troll's recent invitation on MY Facebook wall to myself and Brett Allelo to 'come find him' in Houston...that he would give us his address...and we could come and get our asses beat; after he finally went too far and tried to drive a wedge between my wife and I, by messaging her suggesting a few things to her that pushed me to the edge...I messaged him, requesting his address, informing him that I would come to Houston and grant him his wish of fighting his ass...know what he does? Writes both my wife and I...telling us/me that "you finally did what I hoped you would...threatened me, now I'm going downtown and pressing charges against you for threatening my life." Yeah. I can't make this up. Forgeting things like...uh, jurisdiction, and uh the fact that he instigated this, the fact that he INVITED us to come beat his ass.
Chad...excuse me, TROLL...is nothing but The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. And now? He is putting his fellow Troll up to calling me and harrassing me with his junior high school antics. Houston>>>> please...I implore you...please make this scourge disappear from the State of Texas...and if possible, the Planet Earth.]
For those of you (and their can't possibly be very many of you) who aren't aware of the biggest DOUCHEBAG on Earth...let me just brush you up. Down below you will see THREE pictures. One of them is Chad Burns. If you need further information...I suggest you friend request him on Facebook...then you can have the good fortune to see more of his self-taken photographs...and even some with his golf clubs, stacks of chips, pictures of dolllar bills, and hero shots with his poker icons. Really, really good shit. (if you can't taste the dripping sarcasm here, I recommend you start eating more spicy food, because your sense of taste is clearly DEAD) Oh...and what's even more comical...is in the middle of his all-too-repetitive diatribes to me, he claims to be 'thrilled' that I have 'made him famous' by talking about him on my blog. Anyone hear that alarm going off?
Figure it out? I know...they all look SO similar, it might be tough. But I trust you guys.
For those of you in Houston...who's back might be sore from not having enough of a spine to erradicate this failed abortion from your landscape...I suggest you go buy yourself a new mattress...and what better place than this one!!!???
Yeah...Beds To Go SuperStore...right there in Houston...ask for Steve Baze...tell him 'Monkey Sent Cha' and I'm sure there will be a discount of some sort in your future. JUST CLICK HERE TO see all the lovely stuff they have to sell you down there!
Yeah, now where was I before Super Troll interrupted a pretty serious topic? I guess nowhere.
Squirrel and I went to dinner twice and two movies in the past three days, then went to see Bryan Adams in concert at the IP last night. A few quickie reviews for you on all of them.
First off, am I the only one who finds it terribly annoying and almost offensive when you walk into a restaraunt and the hostess looks at you (if you are alone) and says "Will it JUST be one!??" Or if there are two of you "Is it just TWO of you?" I think so. When I used to manage a restaraunt in my previous life...I instructed my front of the house to greet our guests with nothing but POSITIVE inferences. JUST ONE!??? As if to suggest I couldnt FIND anyone else to come eat with me. JUST TWO OF YOU? As if all of our friends stood us up...and/or our children were kidnapped on the way out that night.
How bout this...girl making $7.50 per hour, who is more concerned with getting home to watch your recorded episode of 'True Blood' than providing us with a positive dining experience?
"Hi! How are you both doing tonight? Can I get you a table for two? Or will there be someone joining you perhaps?" PERFECT. Was that hard?
Or...if you are alone...
"Hello sir...its nice to see you tonight! Can I get your a table for one? Or are you waiting on someone to join you?" No, its just myself...and thank you, I would love a table for one. Notice how the negative leaves the question? Not that hard...idiots.
This is on a whole other topic...but I'm addressing it before I forget. I don't care where you go...gas station, McDonalds, post office, Wal-Mart....whatever...if you buy something that costs $8.37...and hand them a $20 bill, they are most likely going to hand you (a) $11 in bills (b) .63 cents in change and (c) a reciept. Correct? Why!!!!!!! Is it SO HARD...for these assholes to hand you the bills and the reciept in ONE HAND...and the CHANGE in another? Why must they ALWAYS insist on stacking the loose change (which you are inevitably going to drop) on top of the bills and receipt? It drives me FUCKING CRAZY! How many people out there scrunch it all up into one ball and shove it into their pocket or purse? Okay, fine...maybe 5-8% of you? I don't care about you people. You are lazy, unorganized slobs.
I'm addressing those of us who take the bills, put them in our wallet (billfold, ladies) and put the change in its assigned place. I have been trying to educate the clerks of the world for years...telling them, as they perform this annoying move...just how irritating it is. Begging them to stop. Recommending to them how to give back people's change. And the reaction I usually get? I'm pretty sure you all know. Can you picture the face? Let me see if I can find a picture of it on the internet somewhere real quick, hold on.
Yeap! There it is. "Whaaaateverrrrrr!!!!" Yeah...fuck you ya minimum wage earning loser! That is why you work here! Because your commitment to excellence is non-existence. Your desire to be better is no concern to you. I hate you...slurpee making bitch! I hope when you're dropping the next batch of potatoes into the fryer some hot grease pops up in lands on your face. You suck! And the fact I have to even interact with you? Is a fucking inconvenience on my life!!!
Where was I? Oh. Yeah, dined at Outback and High Cotton Grill in Biloxi. High Cotton Grill is slowly going downhill from when we originally dined there two years ago. Seating us was a fat, slobby kid..a boy I think...who's pants were falling off, who had a three-foot strap (attached to some keys I think) hanging out of his pocket...and this mop of a hairdo that said "I love Justin Beiber but I'm not willing to keep up with the grooming aspects that come with emulating Justin 100%." Every time he lumbered by our table...the table WE chose, after he tried to seat us at that table right next to the door to the kitchen...the one NO ONE in their right mind EVER wants to be seated at...yeah, every time he lumbered by our table in his Snuffleufagous trot, I wanted to trip him...and throw my ice tea on his head.
My steak was ordered Medium Rare on the rare side. Cheryl ordered hers Medium. Mine was a rib eye, hers a filet, so when they came out cooked just the opposite, we couldn't just switch steaks. And my oysters were ice cold, suggesting they had sat back in the window waiting on the steaks. Now as a former server, I know that you must fire your items in a way that they all come out at the same time, or close to it. Cheryl seemed to think our waitress did a good job, and bristled when I 'only' tipped her 20%. What she seems to forget is she fucked up our steak order, and improperly timed my oysters. Whatever.
The other night we caught a double feature. The second one took about 20 additional minutes over the posted time...why? Because the film kept breaking. Yes breaking. Three times. For about ten minutes at a time. We are watching...and BOOM...blank screen. And twice it was right in the middle of hilarious scenes. Okay here are you Monkey's Movie Reviews.
'Friends with Benefits.' Yeah, um, pretty sure we just saw this...only it starred Ashton Kuchar and Natalie Portman. Well...its hard to hate a movie when you like both the actors, and I really like Justin Timberlake and Milla Kunis...and truthfully they both did a decent job. And their chemistry was good as well. What was super annoying was all the sex scenes. Look...if I want sex in my movie...I watch porn, and I get a full helping. I have never been one for 'sex scenes' in mainstream films. It feels awkward...like watching your Mom and Dad make out. And uneccessary. Yeah yeah...we get it...these two are gonna fuck...so just show the clothes coming off...dude diving on the bed, and cut to the cigarette in bed afterwards. We get it.
And in this film...it was rampant. And please...we all know we are looking at a body double about half the time. The family get together with Timberlake's character...where he bring Kunis home to California...was laden with awkward, forced and contrived conversation. Just terrible writing. The plot was painfully predictable. There might have been...maybe...three or four good/funny scenes in the movie...the rest of it was just painful. Woody Harrelson was probably the bright spot in the movie, playing a quirky gay guy working as the sports editor for GQ magazine.
Next film we saw was 'The Change Up' which was the premiere...at midnight...and yeah, the film kept breaking. Yeah, sure...we've seen this movie before...once with Linday (B)Lo(w)han and her Mom, played by Jamie Lee Curtis. Then there was '17 Again,' where Zach Effron and Matthew Perry switched places...and ironically the wife was played by Leslie Mann...who also was the wife in this film. Hell of a way to get typecast in Hollywood, the actress who plays the wife who's husband has traded places with someone else.
Well, Jason Bateman (Dave Lockwood) and Ryan Reynolds were terrific in this movie. They both took on the personality of the others' character perfectly. And there were some absolutely hilarious scenes in the movie. I think my favorite, and in no way will this spoil it for you...was Jason Bateman (as the other guy) is riding home with his daughter (really his buddy's daughter, get it?) and they are talking about this little bitch who keeps pushing and shoving her in ballet class...and she tells 'Dad' that she is trying to 'resolve the issue without violence' when Bateman bursts out.....
"What? No! Fuck that! Violence IS the way to solve this problem. You take that whore down and shank the bitch!!! Do you have a shiv? Do you know what a shiv is!???" I was laughing till I teared up...then the fucking film snapped in half and all the lights in the theater came on. COME ON!!!
It was a pretty cool movie because one guy was a major over-achiever...who never stopped going from the time he got to college, and had it all (seemingly) with the pretty wife, the kids, the college degree, the law degree, the great job as a lawyer...on his way to making partner...but who never got to sample all those things in life that his buddy (Ryan Reynolds- 'Mitch') did...who was a total spaz. Struggling actor, pot smoking, video game playing bum who's apartment looked like a dorm room. But he was getting fine ass (as well as some twisted sick ones in between!) all the time, and Bateman was pretty envious of that.
So when they swapped places...they both had a chance to walk a mile (or a marathon) in each other's shoes. The journey they took in getting back to their original starting spot was what makes the film so enjoyable. And if you have had a long life filled with struggles, you can identify with a lot of the things in the movie. Watching Bateman's character when he is his buddy go do the things he always wanted to do...learn to roller blade, go to the aquarium, race go-karts...you could see the joy, the sheer joy, at just getting out and living life. And watching the other guy see what being a responsible adult was all about, a Dad, a husband...and a respected lawyer...made him see what a fuck up he was. And caused him to recommit himself to NOT being a quitter, or a loser. They both became better people for it...and when they switched back...they were better off for it.
It really hit home with me....because I am experiencing a lot of the same things they BOTH were going through. Chasing this poker career to the point that it is putting pressure on my marriage and my own mental state. Feeling like I am missing out on the 'important' things in life...that are supposed to put a smile on your face, bring happiness to your life...and into your marriage. I know I have been wrestling with depression...for at least a year now. And watching this movie really helped me, at least for awhile.
I think that just getting out and doing stuff really helps when you are feeling down in the dumps. I have a couple of good friends right now that are going through the same thing I am. Sometimes, you just don't even want to leave your house, even your bed. You don't want to talk to anyone...because you know that you aren't going to have anything to say that is positive. And why burden anyone with a conversation like that? You know that what you are SUPPOSED to do is get out of bed, put on some shorts and a t-shirt...drive to the gym, workout for two hours...then come home, play with the dogs, watch a good movie, eat a healthy meal...and go from there. So why can't I bring myself to do it? I'm not sure. It sucks.
Last night...I took Squirrel to see Bryan Adams at the I.P. I bought tickets at the last minute...so all we got were balcony barstool general admission seats. But our seats ended up being great. And Bryan Adams, who I grew up loving...was incredible. And with the I.P. being a semi-small theater...it was cool because you could hear every comment from every audience member...and girls with their "I love you Bryan" and "Sing 'Everything I do I do it for you!!!'" could be heard..and his reactions and responses were awesome. He sang with nothing but a guitar and an occasional piano backing him up, and sang phenomenally. His performance lasted for about two hours...and nobody left unhappy. Just a great show.
The coolest thing, I think...was being with my wife, and hearing the songs...most of which we both knew all the words to, and a lot of which were love songs that we both could relate to. It really made us feel closer as a couple. Just getting out, hearing live music...I think its one of those things that just makes you happy. I love hearing live music...maybe because I have zero musical ability, and to watch gifted musicians play and sing...I really have an appreciation for it. We were in the balcony all the way to the right...almost next to him...so we could see out over the crowd; it dawned on me what a cool feeling that must be, to walk out on stage to all those people every night...and just play your guitar and sing to them...and seeing the smiles, and the clapping hands. Wow. To think that ever gets old? And I know for a lot of musicians it must...just amazes me. I don't think I would EVER get sick of that.
Well, this blog entry is now getting extremely long..and I wanted to tell you about the little cash game session we had after the concert, the pictures I took, the experiment I ran (pretending that we didn't know each other and listening to the lude, rude and annoying comments of the guys on my end of the table directed about squirrel) and the way my night ended....but I think I will save it for my next entry.
So that is all for now.
Monkey
Just in case I didn't give you enough to laugh at today...check out this clip...especially if you are, or have EVER been, in the service industry!!!!
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| If you look very closely...you can actually see the strings attached to his hands. |
The result? Landslide. People, a lot of them on welfare, unemployment and/or homeles dancing and crying in the streets, as if somehow their lives were about to change. Pffft. We know the outcome now, three years later. Things aren't better. There isn't any great change. In fact...things are worse. Inflation, worse. Unemployment, worse. National Debt, not just worse, but a joke. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, at a stalemate, with losses mounting, both fiscally and in the body count. Bottom line...our country is a mess.
But is it Barack's fault? I don't think so. Is it Bush's fault before him? To a degree. The amount of money spent on the two wars overseas are unbearable for us to sustain. A 5-year war is good for the economy, to an extent. A 10-year war is good for nothing. The Iraq war was misguided and borderline illegal. The Afghanistan war was completely justified, but mismanaged. And now...to pull out, is not an option. Not with what is happening in that region.
No...the fault, I believe...falls on our two-party system. Two groups of grown men and women who refuse to cooperate, refuse to make decisions with the good of our country in mind. Its all about 'voting on party lines' and not rocking the boat. About saving face, about representing their party. About posturing themselves to either take back the White House or wrestle away a majority in the House and/or Senate. And what it does is prevent our country from making progress. ANY progress. And as a nation, we just keep falling further and further behind. And who takes the blame? The guy sitting in the White House, of course...because Americans refuse (for the most part) to look any deeper into any of the issues.
In reality, it's a form of laziness. Don't research the issue. Don't ask questions. Just read the end result, and if you don't like it...blame Obama. Period. Does anyone dispute this? Imagine a day in the life of the President, and you have 10 things you want to accomplish...but then your Cabinet informs you that none of them passed because of a Republican blockade in the House or Senate. What next? I think if I'm Obama I have just about lost my fucking mind by now. Honestly...I don't know how he does it, and keeps that plastered on smile of his.
What got me on this subject today? When clearly there is all kinds of crazy, fucked up shit for me to write about? Some even poker based? It would be the events of the last 24 hours in Afghanistan that have me emotionally twisted.
I got started by talking about my level of patriotism, correct? Do not confuse my frustration with our politicians, the governmental infrustructure...and what they are slowly doing to our country as a whole as me not loving my country...the U.S.A. Because that is not the case. I think that there are those out there who make this country GREAT. Who understand WHY our ancestors all got on a boat...and got the FUCK out of England...and France, and Germany, and Italy and all other places on the planet. So we could go to the land of opportunity, to work our asses off, to fight for what we hoped to achieve in life.
To start our own nation, where WE would decide how we were governed. Where the fruits of our labor would be shared...not ciphoned off into a monarchy, or to a dictator. And at the heart of that...are the soldiers who sign up to defend that decision. Who put their lives on the line...so that we may continue to enjoy the freedoms that we do. (that some may argue are slowly be stripped away from us) These are men and women who NEVER question (openly anyway) their orders, who don't second guess their leaders. Who don't walk in fear.
Yesterday...the same unit who hunted down Osame bin Laden (that piece of shit!) and put his ass on the bottom of the ocean...were in the middle of an operation, where 22 of them (along with 16 other soldiers, including a dog) piled into a CH-47 Chinook Helicopter...and flew into a combat zone deep inside of Taliban controlled Wardak Province.
The operation did not go according to plan. As has happened a lot in this 'War on Terror'...some scumbag with a shoulder-fired RPG...brought that helicopter down, blowing it out of the sky, and killing 38 of the finest-trained soldiers on the planet, and delivering to the doorsteps of 31 families around the nation (7 of the soldiers were from Afghanistan), two men in uniform, showing up to tell them their loved one had been killed in action.
Seal Team Six...who two months ago was the talk of the world for hunting down the leading terrorist on the planet, today is the source of sadness, despair and heartbreak. Men who go through the most brutal, arduous training on Earth, for years, where millions of dollars go into their training...an asset that can ill afford to be lost, let alone losing 7% of your total unit! There are currently 300 members of Seal Team 6...and that number just shrank by 22. I'm sure those cocksuckers living in their tents are celebrating today, like we did two months ago. I guess this is what war is all about, battles. Won. And lost. We lost a big one this weekend.
But I don't think we can lose sight of the objective in Afghanistan. The Taliban cannot be allowed to govern that region of the world. No way. Not with nuclear arsenals sitting right next door in Pakistan...and a large percentage of Pakistanis being sympathic to the cause of the Taliban. Not with their close relationships with Al Quaeda. No freaking way. Do we need 150,000 troops there? And 50,000 more in Iraq? That see us bleeding nearly 1 billion dollars a week from the budget? Hell no. Get the fuck OUT of Iraq. Pull our stabilization troops out of Afghanistan. Quit building them new roads, and schools and everything else. They don't appreciate it anyway. And Karzai is a two-faced weasel. Leave our special forces there...and let them hunt. And hunt. And hunt some more. Let our Predator and Raptor drones do their jobs of seeking out and killing these piece of shit scumbags.
Oh...and if Pakistan has a big problem with it? You can tell their lying, two-faced President Asif Zardari to kiss our ass. Oh and that $2.5b in aide we send him every year? He can kiss that goodbye too. Its time we start tightening our belts...and kicking some ass. REAL men died today. Men with a mission they believed in. For a country they believed in. We should honor these men...by demanding that our leaders start acting on behalf of ALL of us...not just those who vote Republican, or those who vote Democrat.
REST IN PEACE DEAD SOLDIERS....you are not forgotten!!!!
I dedicate to those killed in action.....this beautiful rendition of 'Bring Him Home' from Les Miserables sang by Johnny Mathis:
[here is a nice interruption. As I'm typing this...my phone rings...it says 'BLOCKED' and predicably, its a guy (I think) with a voice like a munchkin, claiming to be a friend of Chad Burns' asking me a list of questions...most having to do with wondering if I take in the ass. Really? You can all fill in your own variety of punchlines to how the rest of THAT conversation went. I literally am praying, every day...that a member of the Taliban (Al Quaeda would be fine, too) drives a car packed with explosives into the house where Chad lives...preferably while he is HOME...and the owner who Chad rents from (who I happen to know is a friend of one of our readers) is NOT home. After Orange Troll's recent invitation on MY Facebook wall to myself and Brett Allelo to 'come find him' in Houston...that he would give us his address...and we could come and get our asses beat; after he finally went too far and tried to drive a wedge between my wife and I, by messaging her suggesting a few things to her that pushed me to the edge...I messaged him, requesting his address, informing him that I would come to Houston and grant him his wish of fighting his ass...know what he does? Writes both my wife and I...telling us/me that "you finally did what I hoped you would...threatened me, now I'm going downtown and pressing charges against you for threatening my life." Yeah. I can't make this up. Forgeting things like...uh, jurisdiction, and uh the fact that he instigated this, the fact that he INVITED us to come beat his ass.
Chad...excuse me, TROLL...is nothing but The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. And now? He is putting his fellow Troll up to calling me and harrassing me with his junior high school antics. Houston>>>> please...I implore you...please make this scourge disappear from the State of Texas...and if possible, the Planet Earth.]
A fun little rendition of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'...enjoy!
Figure it out? I know...they all look SO similar, it might be tough. But I trust you guys.
For those of you in Houston...who's back might be sore from not having enough of a spine to erradicate this failed abortion from your landscape...I suggest you go buy yourself a new mattress...and what better place than this one!!!???
Yeah...Beds To Go SuperStore...right there in Houston...ask for Steve Baze...tell him 'Monkey Sent Cha' and I'm sure there will be a discount of some sort in your future. JUST CLICK HERE TO see all the lovely stuff they have to sell you down there!
Yeah, now where was I before Super Troll interrupted a pretty serious topic? I guess nowhere.
Squirrel and I went to dinner twice and two movies in the past three days, then went to see Bryan Adams in concert at the IP last night. A few quickie reviews for you on all of them.
First off, am I the only one who finds it terribly annoying and almost offensive when you walk into a restaraunt and the hostess looks at you (if you are alone) and says "Will it JUST be one!??" Or if there are two of you "Is it just TWO of you?" I think so. When I used to manage a restaraunt in my previous life...I instructed my front of the house to greet our guests with nothing but POSITIVE inferences. JUST ONE!??? As if to suggest I couldnt FIND anyone else to come eat with me. JUST TWO OF YOU? As if all of our friends stood us up...and/or our children were kidnapped on the way out that night.
How bout this...girl making $7.50 per hour, who is more concerned with getting home to watch your recorded episode of 'True Blood' than providing us with a positive dining experience?
"Hi! How are you both doing tonight? Can I get you a table for two? Or will there be someone joining you perhaps?" PERFECT. Was that hard?
Or...if you are alone...
"Hello sir...its nice to see you tonight! Can I get your a table for one? Or are you waiting on someone to join you?" No, its just myself...and thank you, I would love a table for one. Notice how the negative leaves the question? Not that hard...idiots.
This is on a whole other topic...but I'm addressing it before I forget. I don't care where you go...gas station, McDonalds, post office, Wal-Mart....whatever...if you buy something that costs $8.37...and hand them a $20 bill, they are most likely going to hand you (a) $11 in bills (b) .63 cents in change and (c) a reciept. Correct? Why!!!!!!! Is it SO HARD...for these assholes to hand you the bills and the reciept in ONE HAND...and the CHANGE in another? Why must they ALWAYS insist on stacking the loose change (which you are inevitably going to drop) on top of the bills and receipt? It drives me FUCKING CRAZY! How many people out there scrunch it all up into one ball and shove it into their pocket or purse? Okay, fine...maybe 5-8% of you? I don't care about you people. You are lazy, unorganized slobs.
I'm addressing those of us who take the bills, put them in our wallet (billfold, ladies) and put the change in its assigned place. I have been trying to educate the clerks of the world for years...telling them, as they perform this annoying move...just how irritating it is. Begging them to stop. Recommending to them how to give back people's change. And the reaction I usually get? I'm pretty sure you all know. Can you picture the face? Let me see if I can find a picture of it on the internet somewhere real quick, hold on.
Yeap! There it is. "Whaaaateverrrrrr!!!!" Yeah...fuck you ya minimum wage earning loser! That is why you work here! Because your commitment to excellence is non-existence. Your desire to be better is no concern to you. I hate you...slurpee making bitch! I hope when you're dropping the next batch of potatoes into the fryer some hot grease pops up in lands on your face. You suck! And the fact I have to even interact with you? Is a fucking inconvenience on my life!!!
Where was I? Oh. Yeah, dined at Outback and High Cotton Grill in Biloxi. High Cotton Grill is slowly going downhill from when we originally dined there two years ago. Seating us was a fat, slobby kid..a boy I think...who's pants were falling off, who had a three-foot strap (attached to some keys I think) hanging out of his pocket...and this mop of a hairdo that said "I love Justin Beiber but I'm not willing to keep up with the grooming aspects that come with emulating Justin 100%." Every time he lumbered by our table...the table WE chose, after he tried to seat us at that table right next to the door to the kitchen...the one NO ONE in their right mind EVER wants to be seated at...yeah, every time he lumbered by our table in his Snuffleufagous trot, I wanted to trip him...and throw my ice tea on his head.
My steak was ordered Medium Rare on the rare side. Cheryl ordered hers Medium. Mine was a rib eye, hers a filet, so when they came out cooked just the opposite, we couldn't just switch steaks. And my oysters were ice cold, suggesting they had sat back in the window waiting on the steaks. Now as a former server, I know that you must fire your items in a way that they all come out at the same time, or close to it. Cheryl seemed to think our waitress did a good job, and bristled when I 'only' tipped her 20%. What she seems to forget is she fucked up our steak order, and improperly timed my oysters. Whatever.
The other night we caught a double feature. The second one took about 20 additional minutes over the posted time...why? Because the film kept breaking. Yes breaking. Three times. For about ten minutes at a time. We are watching...and BOOM...blank screen. And twice it was right in the middle of hilarious scenes. Okay here are you Monkey's Movie Reviews.
'Friends with Benefits.' Yeah, um, pretty sure we just saw this...only it starred Ashton Kuchar and Natalie Portman. Well...its hard to hate a movie when you like both the actors, and I really like Justin Timberlake and Milla Kunis...and truthfully they both did a decent job. And their chemistry was good as well. What was super annoying was all the sex scenes. Look...if I want sex in my movie...I watch porn, and I get a full helping. I have never been one for 'sex scenes' in mainstream films. It feels awkward...like watching your Mom and Dad make out. And uneccessary. Yeah yeah...we get it...these two are gonna fuck...so just show the clothes coming off...dude diving on the bed, and cut to the cigarette in bed afterwards. We get it.
And in this film...it was rampant. And please...we all know we are looking at a body double about half the time. The family get together with Timberlake's character...where he bring Kunis home to California...was laden with awkward, forced and contrived conversation. Just terrible writing. The plot was painfully predictable. There might have been...maybe...three or four good/funny scenes in the movie...the rest of it was just painful. Woody Harrelson was probably the bright spot in the movie, playing a quirky gay guy working as the sports editor for GQ magazine.
Next film we saw was 'The Change Up' which was the premiere...at midnight...and yeah, the film kept breaking. Yeah, sure...we've seen this movie before...once with Linday (B)Lo(w)han and her Mom, played by Jamie Lee Curtis. Then there was '17 Again,' where Zach Effron and Matthew Perry switched places...and ironically the wife was played by Leslie Mann...who also was the wife in this film. Hell of a way to get typecast in Hollywood, the actress who plays the wife who's husband has traded places with someone else.
Well, Jason Bateman (Dave Lockwood) and Ryan Reynolds were terrific in this movie. They both took on the personality of the others' character perfectly. And there were some absolutely hilarious scenes in the movie. I think my favorite, and in no way will this spoil it for you...was Jason Bateman (as the other guy) is riding home with his daughter (really his buddy's daughter, get it?) and they are talking about this little bitch who keeps pushing and shoving her in ballet class...and she tells 'Dad' that she is trying to 'resolve the issue without violence' when Bateman bursts out.....
"What? No! Fuck that! Violence IS the way to solve this problem. You take that whore down and shank the bitch!!! Do you have a shiv? Do you know what a shiv is!???" I was laughing till I teared up...then the fucking film snapped in half and all the lights in the theater came on. COME ON!!!
It was a pretty cool movie because one guy was a major over-achiever...who never stopped going from the time he got to college, and had it all (seemingly) with the pretty wife, the kids, the college degree, the law degree, the great job as a lawyer...on his way to making partner...but who never got to sample all those things in life that his buddy (Ryan Reynolds- 'Mitch') did...who was a total spaz. Struggling actor, pot smoking, video game playing bum who's apartment looked like a dorm room. But he was getting fine ass (as well as some twisted sick ones in between!) all the time, and Bateman was pretty envious of that.
So when they swapped places...they both had a chance to walk a mile (or a marathon) in each other's shoes. The journey they took in getting back to their original starting spot was what makes the film so enjoyable. And if you have had a long life filled with struggles, you can identify with a lot of the things in the movie. Watching Bateman's character when he is his buddy go do the things he always wanted to do...learn to roller blade, go to the aquarium, race go-karts...you could see the joy, the sheer joy, at just getting out and living life. And watching the other guy see what being a responsible adult was all about, a Dad, a husband...and a respected lawyer...made him see what a fuck up he was. And caused him to recommit himself to NOT being a quitter, or a loser. They both became better people for it...and when they switched back...they were better off for it.
It really hit home with me....because I am experiencing a lot of the same things they BOTH were going through. Chasing this poker career to the point that it is putting pressure on my marriage and my own mental state. Feeling like I am missing out on the 'important' things in life...that are supposed to put a smile on your face, bring happiness to your life...and into your marriage. I know I have been wrestling with depression...for at least a year now. And watching this movie really helped me, at least for awhile.
I think that just getting out and doing stuff really helps when you are feeling down in the dumps. I have a couple of good friends right now that are going through the same thing I am. Sometimes, you just don't even want to leave your house, even your bed. You don't want to talk to anyone...because you know that you aren't going to have anything to say that is positive. And why burden anyone with a conversation like that? You know that what you are SUPPOSED to do is get out of bed, put on some shorts and a t-shirt...drive to the gym, workout for two hours...then come home, play with the dogs, watch a good movie, eat a healthy meal...and go from there. So why can't I bring myself to do it? I'm not sure. It sucks.
Last night...I took Squirrel to see Bryan Adams at the I.P. I bought tickets at the last minute...so all we got were balcony barstool general admission seats. But our seats ended up being great. And Bryan Adams, who I grew up loving...was incredible. And with the I.P. being a semi-small theater...it was cool because you could hear every comment from every audience member...and girls with their "I love you Bryan" and "Sing 'Everything I do I do it for you!!!'" could be heard..and his reactions and responses were awesome. He sang with nothing but a guitar and an occasional piano backing him up, and sang phenomenally. His performance lasted for about two hours...and nobody left unhappy. Just a great show.
The coolest thing, I think...was being with my wife, and hearing the songs...most of which we both knew all the words to, and a lot of which were love songs that we both could relate to. It really made us feel closer as a couple. Just getting out, hearing live music...I think its one of those things that just makes you happy. I love hearing live music...maybe because I have zero musical ability, and to watch gifted musicians play and sing...I really have an appreciation for it. We were in the balcony all the way to the right...almost next to him...so we could see out over the crowd; it dawned on me what a cool feeling that must be, to walk out on stage to all those people every night...and just play your guitar and sing to them...and seeing the smiles, and the clapping hands. Wow. To think that ever gets old? And I know for a lot of musicians it must...just amazes me. I don't think I would EVER get sick of that.
Well, this blog entry is now getting extremely long..and I wanted to tell you about the little cash game session we had after the concert, the pictures I took, the experiment I ran (pretending that we didn't know each other and listening to the lude, rude and annoying comments of the guys on my end of the table directed about squirrel) and the way my night ended....but I think I will save it for my next entry.
So that is all for now.
Monkey
Just in case I didn't give you enough to laugh at today...check out this clip...especially if you are, or have EVER been, in the service industry!!!!
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