Thursday, March 31, 2011

Coushatta? Yes or No???

Wait. Is H-E-L-L N-O!!!! an option? Oh wait...that would be reserved expressly for St. Louis. If one more of you texts or emails me asking me if I will be going to STL for that circuit event...I'm going to, wow....I'm going to, ....mmmmm....dammit, see, as soon as someone even mentions the word ST LOUIS all of my abilities to communicate fly out the window. Sense of humor. Gone. Sense of civility, gone. Someone help me...bring me back....arghhghghghg!!!!

Yeah I hope you enjoyed your opening day choke job by your little red birdies, who on paper should never lose a baseball game. All you freaks with your camouflage Cardinal's hats and your pants hanging around your thighs because you can't decide which out-of-style demographic you are wanting to represent...with your bag of caramel corn in hand and step sister in tow...don't sweat it, its a long 162 game season, and being 0-1 isn't the end of the world. Don't go home and abuse your 7 illegitimate kids over one stupid loss. Its baseball man! Don't go all Green Packer fan on your bitch after a playoff loss!

Moving on. Just got done watching American Idol. Can someone please tell me what the hell that was all about with Fantasia Barino? I thought we were all just about done with her!?? She graced us with her wonderful "Collard Greens and Cornbread" lullaby tonight, huh? Collard Greens and Cornbread?...with the all-too familiar 'come on everyone...come on!' and the twitching mouth when she sings...yeah, I barely made it through that one!

Now watching the newest stupid ass show on FOX, 'Mobbed.' With Howie Mandel. Is FOX kidding us? Just as I had finally gotten over the soulless, annoying Howie on that stupid show highlighting greed and stupidity, "Deal or No Deal" (the only reason for watching being the hotties with the mafia briefcases, until they replaced THEM with the contestant's equally greedy and idiotic friends...probably for budgetary reasons) they throw this overblown imitation of "PUNKED" at us? Why? Just when I didn't think I could swallow any more vomit after tonight's episode of American Idol, I get to try and wade through this shit storm. The dancing waiters and the crying-with-joy girl now have me punching myself in the eyes. Its nothing but 'PUNKED' with numbers. I'll call it overkill, and stupid!

So...yeah, American Idol tonight. Look...we have 10 of the best 'suspects' (sorry, I refuse to call them contestants....they are merely suspects to me) we have seen on the show in years...and Steven Tyler and J-Lo have been a great addition to the judges panel. If I had to watch Paula or Kara one more season I was going to destroy my TV...and Simon's act had just grown old and boorish. He will get his chance to annoy us all some more when his new show comes out this fall, 'X-Factor', also airing on FOX...which seems a bit odd, but whatever, FOX is odd.

As for Randy? Yo! Yo! Yoooo! Dawg! So check it out, check it out. He is ridiculous, and annoying...but he's kind of like that mutt dog that always shits in the house in the same exact spot...for years...and finally, the day he croaks...you wake up the next day, and almost miss that little pile of shit on the floor. Right? So, just like that dog, we just kind of tolerate Randy.

Well anyway...yeah, we have some talent. But some of that talent is just annoying. The stupid, out of control moments of drama are the reasons I hate American Idol. Tonight, my dreams came true....as Naima, Paul and that other chick, the Asian one...were in the bottom three. I have been sick of Naima since the day they found her sweeping up people's garbage at the carnival! Then there is Paul...who I liked at first...but dude, there is only so much whitening bleach in the world, and you can only hold a fake, cheesy-ass smile for so long before everyone just gets sick of it. Am I wrong? I mean...smile once in awhile. That's cool. But let's see that there is a human being in there, with a gamut of emotions other than...24-hrs a day joyous! Bullshit! If I want to watch someone smiling like it's their job...I'll go hang out with Cam Newton...that phony. Enjoy your upcoming NFL career, JaMarcus Newton.

Paul and his soft, syrupy renditions of Rod Stewart-esque ballads had just gotten OLD! Switch it up...or ship out Paul. The next thing I hope to see is one of his fellow contestants, excuse me...suspects...kick him in the balls and see if he continues to smile.

Well, he was spared the guillotine tonight. But we got one of 'em...as Naima finally got the axe! That other chick, the Asian one....she left too.

So who are my favorites? Hell...there are a few. I think James Durbin has the best stage presence...and knows how to perform, and isn't a bad singer. I think Pia is beautiful, and has a great voice. That kid who sings country is going to be a great singer, and seems like a great kid...he's just so damn young. Not that I'm being a 'hater of all things young' and showing youth-envy...okay maybe just a little bit.

[okay, as I'm writing this...this show has sunk to the lowest level possible...with the guy proposing to his sobbing girlfriend while dancing, horribly, in a street carnival with 100's of idiots. Are these people being paid? And if so how much. And if not...wtf was their motivation for doing this for free? To be on TV? People are pathetic! If you want to get on TV that bad...go shoot your boss!]

Back to IDOL. Squirrel is crazy about Casey....and was freaking out last week when he got voted off. I told her to chill out...that this was where they would use their 'save'...made the most sense. Gave them a whole week to milk the Final 11...and it wasn't like there was anyone in the Top 10 that would be an easy cut...unless of course the Meth-head managed somehow to survive past 10 people...which, thank god, she didn't...and he was spared. New side bet in play...does Naima stay out of rehab long enough to appear on the American Idol road tour?

Now, Casey...lets talk about Casey. Casey is truly a nice kid. Comes from a nice home, with great parents. And clearly has some musical ability. He might even turn out to be a better actor. Limitless, I would say. But am I the only one who when watching him perform, and talk in interviews...isn't feeling like I'm watching Jonah Hill and Will Ferrell morphed together as one person/performer??? Think about it!!!

Yeah. Okay. Moving on. A lot of you...girls, mainly...know about my Wal-Mart Dance...made famous...about 4 years ago. Pretty sure I was out with Squirrel and her friends, Brandy Conway, Brandy Nagle, Ashley 'Taco' Longoria (now dating Tyler Smith) and a few of her other crazy friends, when I unleashed my madness on them in the middle of the Beau Rivage.

Now, let me explain the Wal-Mart Dance and where it came from. Now, first...have you ever shopped in Wal-Mart? Of course you have. Unless you are reading this from Europe or something. You know the kind of freaks that come in there, right? If not...I invite you to CLICK HERE.

Shit...I just remembered I downloaded "BLACK SWAN" on my Playstation 3 last night...and fear my 24-hour window to watch it may be about to expire!!! They give you 30 days to watch it...but after you watch it you only have 24 hrs to watch it again...and I let like 5 seconds play before I stopped it. What's the verdict?

Back to Wal-Mart. How do you scare the beejezus out of a freak? Simple, you do something even freakier than they are. Impossible? I object!

Picture if you will....a combination of River Dance...and Swan Lake! All performed as one act. You heard me you Michael Flatley poster-hanging-in-your-bedroom fan club members! Monkey Boy here used to date a string of New York City Ballet dancers back in the early 90's when I lived in NYC and was still rather handsome and athletic...so I had some classical training...well, as an observer. And I am very attentive. And who hasn't sat mesmerized (for whatever reason, bored, stoned, drunk, seeking self-abuse) late at night watching the Lord of the River Dance info-mercial that always used to air around 3 in the morning?

I give you....the Wal-Mart dance! When performed in front of the most ghastly freaks God has ever presented us...the response was, well, almost predictable. Suddenly, God's little Mutants became 'those who shall chastise and look down their noses' at other 'less fortunate' souls. Yes...they are just that gullible and delusional. Poor critters.

It then became necessary to bust this out in a more civilized arena...which became the Beau Rivage. Had I not been surrounded by 8 beautiful women...the dork in the purple jacket would have certainly kicked me out of the casino, maybe even called the police...but after seeing that I was WITH them...and he recognized some of them...it was pretty obvious that I had to be okay...why in the HELL would they be with THAT GUY!???

Creating the Wal-Mart Dance has had it's disadvantages. Like one thing...it has led to the over-consumption of alcohol on some occasions. There we are, out on the town...with Squirrel's friends...and inevitably...there it is....

"Will! Do it! Do the Wal-Mart dance!! Come on! Please!!!!!"

Ah man...I'm not really feeling it tonight girls. Kind of having a low bio-rhythm kind of day, ya know? And they just aren't playing the 'right' kind of music to perform 'The Dance.' Doesn't matter. They are NOT letting NO play as an answer. Great. Bartender!!!!! Three more please bartender!!!! Yo!!! Bartender....hey! YOU...get cher ass over here...you, Bartender guy you....heyyyy!

There ya go ladies...enjoy! And they always do!

How in the hell did I get on the subject of the Wal-Mart Dance? No idea...but what I did get, in the mail today...was a flyer from the Beau Rivage...touting the upcoming appearance by Michael Flatley's 'Lord of The Dance' coming soon! Now, does this mean Michael himself is performing? Or if he just lends his name to the production? All I know is that the Beau Rivage is inviting you to 'let the sights and sounds of this international phenomenon transport you to a world of mystery, music and magic through the language of dance!'

Well, that being said...if I happen to be in town during this 'magical happening' I will be appearing, myself...for a show. I will also be consuming copious amounts of booze and performing my own Wal-Mart Dance either IN THE SHOW itself...or outside the show. It will happen...I promise.

[good gawd I hope I am out of town for this damn show.....]

I have switched from the 'always problematic' Internet Explorer to using Firefox by Mozilla...at the urging of several of my Facebook comrades, and I am overjoyed. Thanks! No more freezing up. And while blogging...I now have automatic spell check! Yeah! I knowwwwwww!!!! So now instead of looking and sounding like an uneducated idiot...I will only look like an assclown!!!

I went to the gym yesterday. Finally. And did NOT drop dead of a heart-attack. Actually felt awesome. And was going to go back tonight...but Squirrel has once again misplaced her keys...and took my car. Great. So now I have her to blame for my lack of good health. Pretty sure it was a ruse to take my car...as her's is probably out of gas again.

Texting while driving just became illegal in Alabama. Awesome. Stupidest law ever. How is that going to be enforced? Cop pulls you over because he saw you looking down as though you were texting? Did anyone see the movie 'Due Date?' Or 'Hall Pass?' Then you know where I'm going with that. Which would be worse there? The ticket? Or the embarrassment? That scene in 'Hall Pass' led to me laughing non-stop for about 15 minutes. I'm so glad there were only about 6 people in the theater!

Once again I decide to play play online poker this week. Its Double Guarantee week. Got real deep once. Made a final table Tuesday night in a $24 90pp tourney...and got 3rd...for like $225 or something. Had one of those jerkoffs who no matter how bad he got it in, he never lost. Worst player ever. Shoves on the button with J10. I call him with A10...flop an ace. He goes runner runner for a straight. Of course.

Last night, log on...get in late to one of the big guarantee tourneys...and on the first hand I get AA. Guy UTG raises to 180. Three more call. I re-raise to 550. Seems like a pretty good three-bet there, no? I'm in the SB. No problem. Guy UTG re-raises ALL IN! Cool. The others fold. I obviously call, and see....what? What do we MOST want to see there? AK? Right? He has AK. Flop comes J-5-Q...and you get that sick feeling....don't do it...don't do it....river....DOHHINNNNNGGGG 10! Out! First hand.

It's been mostly 4 days of 'Rat on a Wheel' for me playing online poker. My favorite is the jerk/punk/jackass who sits there spouting stats at people...telling them how bad they are, how bad their ROI% is...talking about how much he makes, blah blah blah. And there is nothing you can do. You can't smash your computer...that will just cost money. You can't punch them in the face...that technology just doesn't exist....yet! And you try to ignore the guy...but you just can't. You're hatred just festers...until finally, after another one of his 8x the blind raises...you look down at KK and shove all in...only to have him call you with A8...and hit an ace. Then what do you do? You slowly go a little more insane....

Hahahah...I totally forgot the bi-line of this entry was concerning whether or not to go to Coushatta! Wow, talk about a major-league sidebar, eh!!?? Well, I have to admit, someone dangled the carrot of Coushatta in front of my nose last week, and probably due to some momentary loss of sanity, or just a heavy onset of cabin fever, I might have uttered to someone that I would actually show up for that gathering of swamp mutants. Well, just to make sure I hadn't fully lost my mind, I went to their website and checked out their event schedule and structures. After that I pulled up all the comments on my blog from around that time last year...as well as emails from people who attended when I didn't.

That's when, thankfully, I was able to come out of the fog...and let the sun shine its ray of common sense on me. No Monkey....no! Do not go there. Do not sit in those bingo hall chairs, do not play with those tourney chips that haven't seen a chip bath in...well, maybe ever! Anyone in the mood for some Hepatitis C? Here is your chipstack sir! And those dealers...how can you say no to blackjack house dealers who...after EVERY SINGLE SHUFFLE...do that thing where they separate their hands and wave them over the cards twice? You know the move...right? Every shuffle! Where a misdeal is something for the players to bet on! Over/under on this dealer is 2.5....where's my action!??? The place where, when the floor is called for a decision, everyone holds their breath...knowing their tournament life might be dependent upon a blown floor call?

How do I sit that event out, you ask? Easy. I just keep on laying in this bed...or laying on my couch...playing online, playing XBox360...watching movies, watching the Final Four...playing with my dogs...doing my backer's spreadsheet (I promise...Ms Backer...I am DOING it before I head for South Florida next week!!!) and pleasing my wife with my presence. Yes...I finally caved in and let her chop all my NHL-for-winter-styled hair off. It hurt. Yes...I feel some of my power has been relinquished like Sampson's was...but I was sick of sleeping on the couch.

So no...I will not be making the 4 hour 20 minute drive to Coushatta this weekend. I will instead be at home...seeing how many more $25 squares I can fill on my NCAA Title Game Board...we are currently on the 4th board. I am quite positive we won't match the 12 boards I filled for the Super Bowl...that was just insane!

If you are looking to buy a square...shoot me an email at ThePoolMonkey@aol.com. Also coming this week, and requiring a stupid amount of effort, as I can't get the website guys at www.officefootballpool.com to make a template for me...is my annual Master's Pool...that always takes me HOURS to prepare.

Okay...that's probably enough for today. Hope that keeps you addicts at bay for another day or two!!!


(the thoughts and/or opinions stated in The Monkey Blog are his and his alone. They do not reflect the opinions and/or positions of the owner/operators of Gulf Coast Poker.net. Monkey is not an agent or employee of Gulf Coast Poker, but merely a freelance contributor)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Houston...You have a PROBLEM!

(the thoughts and opinions stated in The Monkey Blog are his and his alone. They do not reflect the opinions and/or positions of the operators of Gulf Coast Poker.net. Monkey is not an agent or employee of Gulf Coast Poker, but merely a freelance contributor.)

And....I...am....here, to FIX IT FOR YOU!!! Or at least make you aware of this 'problem' so that you can take preventive measures to avoid its wrath.

Now...I know what you're all saying. "Wow, Monkey...you sure have been on your best behaviour lately...for like...too long! Whats up? Why today? Why are you about to not only throw a guy under the bus...but get a lineup of poker pros to hop in their RV's, busses, and steam rollers and follow me as I drive this guy into the pavement!???" Right? Something along those lines?

Yeah Yeah....you're right. I have been good. I haven't teed off on anyone in quite awhile. Haven't inducted anyone into Monkey's Stable of Donkeys...and between all of you, and me...that's about to end. I quit doing that to please ONE person. That 'fella' who runs the show at the Beau Rivage...that place that had around 80-120 players per tournament this past week...and less than TEN total sit n gos!

Nobody else CARES about the pictures. In fact, most of the players who I featured, actually granted me permission to post their photo...and a majority of them loved the attention. Naw...its kind of come into a clearer focus now what kind of guy I'm dealing with at the Beau Rivage.

Simply put...anything he can find to complain about...it's on! Which...ironically, is kind of how today's blog was motivated and inspired, in a roundabout way. Not sure if roundabout is one word or two...or is supposed to be hyphenated. Don't care. Why? Cuz today, I'm on a rant. So sue me for bad English.

PETTY: Its a fun word. Applies to a lot of people. In fact...I happened upon a petty old guy last night at the IP. Guess what? One of us got thrown out of the casino. Guess who it wasn't? Ya. ME! I was the one cashing out at 6:50am with a nice profitable session and a good time spent...and a floor guy saying "Hi Monkey...how long have YOU been here? I didn't even know you were here." Voila!

Old guy...clearly mentally unstable...and mumbling. Him in 8 seat. Me in 6 seat. I have pulled out my iPad...am engaged in a game of 'Words With Friends' with about 9 people...games that have been going on now for two weeks. I have played 3 hands. THREE. Been there 4 minutes. And I hear mumbling...."what is the rule......."....mumble mumble....waiting for dealer to hear him...."are those things allowed at......" mumble mumble....Catches my attention.

Ah...here we go....one of these fuckers. Doesn't even probably understand WHAT I have in front of me. He gets dealers attention finally. He whines and bitches about my iPad. Dealer basically tells him to can it. Old man tilts. Asian guy at table making it 20 behind every limp. I finally limp with AQ. He does it again. 6 people call. I see $125 in the Pot. I jam all in for $500. Everyone folds except random old guy on my right...cuz he only had $40 after the $20. He has KJ. I win.

[okay...Im watching the repeat telecast of the season premiere of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I am watching Kirsty Alley...and I'm not going to lie...I just threw up in my mouth. She is horrendous. ]

Two hands later....I raise to $10 with AA. Asian guy calls. And 'The Mumbling Nutbag' calls (with 10-8 off, SPITE CALL!) Oh...we are playing 1/2, btw. One other person calls. $40 in pot. Flop comes 10-4-3. Rainbow. Asian checks. Psycho boy bets $30. Other player folds. I look at board, think "hmmm....feels like El Diablo (for you newbies that's K10 here in Monkey Central)" and I raise to $75. Asian folds. The MumbleDonk calls. Turn is a 7. Not seeing any draws out there. Well, if he has a set he has a set. What does he do? He shoves all in! For $280. Whatever. I call. I hold. I take all his chips. He rebuys. And starts shooting off his mouth. Fortunately the rest of the table was firmly on my side. I just looked at him...more astonished than anything. KARMA OLD MAN! (thinking, not saying...les I be clear on this)

He shot off his mouth a little while longer...then the floor guy told him to move tables or leave. He moved tables. About two hours later he got kicked out for something having to do with his inability to play nice with others. Sorry. I didn't take his picture.

Back to Petty...and oh, by the way...YES...this is going to be a VERY LONG...but entertaining....blog today. I would like to thank FLORIDA and ARIZONA for both boning me in the ass today. Needed the under on Florida/Butler...got the over. Needed the over on UConn...got the under. Needed UCONN to win by 3.5. They won by 2. Kill me.

Petty: Last fall, I made the Final Table of the Main Event at the Beau Rivage. To me...that's a special occasion. And when that happens, I like to put on my Monkey Beads, and bring out the fancy crystal monkeys. Its become a bit of a ritual. Call it childish, call it gay. Call it stupid. I don't give a shit. There isn't a lot about poker anymore that brings me joy and happiness...the ability to show my 'colors' and have some fun at the table has been slowly pounded out of me by the Poker Mafia...so that I can be allowed to play in their little poker fests that are, ahem...by the way...funded by ME and my fellow players.

Well, upon setting up my little courtyard of Monkey royalty on the table...I was interrupted by Mr. Grooms, who informed me that I was only permitted to have ONE card protector on the table. Just one. Choose one. At first, I thought he was kidding. He wasn't.

I never wrote about any of this before...because I was trying to kiss his ass and jump through all his ridiculous hoops so I could keep playing in his poker room. But see...now? I don't give a shit...due to the way he handled me at the January event...and his subsequent mission to get me out of any tourney that Jimmy Sommerfeld runs...his old 'wing-man' from Tunica.

See...to understand the politics of poker...you have to understand where these guys all came from. About 10 years ago...in the bustling metropolis of Tunica...you had three guys working as chip runners, dealers and floor supervisors...who slowly worked their way up the ladder in the backstabbing, scheming business of poker...these three guys are Jimmy Sommerfeld, Jack Effel, and Johnny Groomes. Or "The Three J's"...or the "Tunica Trio"...whichever you prefer.

So when Groomes cut me off three days before the Main Event...for reasons that were related to some asshole with a Noir Card...who didn't like me, going to his host and raising hell...who in turn...leaned on Groomes to toss me for the 'rest of the event.' Which would have been fine...if he would have just left it at that. I would have come back in the spring...and it would have been water under the bridge.

But no...he couldn't stop there. He had to denegrate me to other players...telling them things that most tournament directors would NEVER think of uttering to fellow players. Why? Maybe because Groomes isnt exactly a PROFESSIONAL in his line of work.

Maybe it has something to do with why he was fired by the World Series of Poker a few years back. So when he not only bad mouthed me to other players at the event....during the Main Event...where a lot of players who's respect I both appreciate, and NEED...I was infuriated.

But then...he goes one step further, and basically colludes with his old buddy Jimmy...by calling him up and suggesting I not be allowed to play in the Harrahs WSOP circuit event. This conversation is confirmed.

Well it gets better. Jack Effel was let in on it. And guess what happened next? Remember reading about the night I was playing blackjack at the Horseshoe? With a certain magazine editor? Who now WORKS for Harrahs? And we got on a 'Rainman-like run?' And after a growing number of people started huddling around the podium in the pit...and we won a few more hands....suddenly security arrived and told us we had to 'leave for the night.'

When we asked why...they wouldn't give us a reason. Only that we had to leave for the night...that we could return tomorrow. Hmmmm....interesting. I was actually taking it with a grain of salt. I was pretty amused, really...getting kicked out for doing WELL IN BLACKJACK!??? I'd never had a night like that in my life playing blackjack. In for $500 at a $10 table...I cashed out for $2400...which isn't exactly a fortune...and I can't imagine this EVER happening in Vegas...but we ARE talking about Tunica!

At any rate, I left. My guest left. We both returned to Horseshoe the next day and played the Main Event of their little event. No issues getting in. No issues buying in. None. Checked with Dale Carden...their poker room manager...nope. No problem. You're good.

Oh yeah? Guess what? Because the 'Three J's' read my blog...they were all aware of this night at the blackjack table. The 24 hr '86' wasn't taken out of their computer. So Jimmy was using that as a 'fall back' to keep me out of Harrah's recent event. Has his lackey Bill Bruce call me and tell me he is doing me a favor by saving me the drive to Tunica. Thanks buddy!

Yeah...you guys are getting it all today. A post appeared in some poker forum...I think it was 2+2 or PocketFives or something. A couple people sent me text messages about it...but I couldn't find anything. I'm not real good at circumnavigating those posts.

But then I'm on Facebook...and Shaun Johnston sends me a message.....

"Ha! Pretty good man....Dark Avenger!???"

Huh? What's that mean?

He goes on to tell me about a post in a forum about Jimmy Sommerfeld. By a user named Dark Avenger. Includes the link in his Instant Message to me. I read it. Wow! Some pretty eye-opening allegations appeared, some I knew about...some I didn't. All shocking.

A few more people called me about it. We talked about it. And then it was over. I left a day or two later for Chicago. And then things REALLY started getting interesting. This story....we will pick up later....like, in a later blog. Maybe.

Because today is all about saving Houston. If possible. But I hope I captured your attention on topic #2a.

Back to petty. So Johnny won't let me use my monkeys on the table. Fine. Didn't protest. Just locked it away in the mental vault and removed them from the table, banishing them back into their little blue boxes of loneliness and despair.

Then...and this one really pissed me off...he puts the reigns on ordering drinks. As you all know I like to drink Red Snappers at the Final Table. My wife was there watching. Either him or Ken go to my wife and suggest I may have had too much to drink...and that maybe SHE needs to talk me into stopping so they dont have to cut me off.

Yeah. I think ALL OF YOU know my ability to pound snappers (and anything else NOT named Jagermeister) before I've had 'too much.' Well, its irrelevant now, since I have quit drinking in poker....but at any rate, its worth mentioning.

Then...now that I'm sufficiently pissed, they take it one step further...in a move that, again, I've never seen at another casino, EVER. First, let me state something: I hate going to watch other people play final tables. Just hate it. Why? Because its not ME up there. Pretty sure 80% of you players feel the same way. So when I make a final table...and a large group of people come to watch, I'm both flattered and slightly curious in a sort of "don't you have anything better to do" kind of way.

So them being there...I feel like they deserve to be entertained. Because how boring is watching OTHER PEOPLE play poker? Seriously!?? So I managed to cultivate my little rooting section by getting everyone drinking Red Snappers with me. Well after about the 2nd round...I get taken aside by the Beau Rivage Boys...and told that I am not allowed to order shots for the crowd! That if any of them want shots they will have to buy them.

Petty? Or just fucking pathetic? Whatever...again, I complied without an argument...because remember...this is back when I was kissing Johnny's ass still, trying to cowtow to him. Well..those days are over. Just for the record, all you mealy-mouth worms who like to say things behind my back that you will never in a million years say to my face? I wasn't 86'd from this recent event. No letter from the Beau telling me I'm 86'd.

Nope. Been in there several times...for meals, for nights at the clubs...for gambling on the casino floor. Nothing was ever said about me not playing the Spring Event that had such a wonderful turnout.

Wonder if Mr. Noir Card showed up...if he did, he should have had a wonderful experience with me not there...as he chased after those 4-figure mega scores.

See, I love the Beau Rivage. Its gorgeous. It's classy. My wife works there. They pay my health insurance. Do not have ONE issue with the Beau Rivage. But as long as Johnny Groomes is still running the poker room there...I will NEVER, EVER allow $1 to leave my pocket that I know he will get one cent of. I won't support his events either here in my blog...or on my Facebook, or by word of mouth. In fact...I will pretty much go out of my way to drive anyone I can away from his events.

There ya go. We clear on all that? Hope so. Hi Johnny...I know you're reading this. Hope you're having a nice day. Great event you just ran...sure your bosses are ecstatic! Roll Tide!

So...last night...while watching the NCAA tourney...I am scanning posts by my friends on Facebook...and I happen on one by Michael Hallen...who is a pretty good poker buddy of mine, and who had just been over to my house Sunday night to hang out for awhile.

And it reads: "skipping the main. the floor ppl here at the Beau Rivage can sk my dick. And overall, I just wanna get the f outa here. Leavin to go back to Tampa tomorrow and relax until those Isle and Pompano tourneys and WPT Hollywood'

....added... "the little skinny fuck and Johnny Grooms can both go to hell. Johnny pulled me aside before final table and told me that if I said anything else to the table about how bad things were run he'd give me a 50 hand penalty. Lol like who ever the f says that? You can tell him I said that too, I don't care."

Anyone ever heard of someone (a) getting a penalty for criticizing how a tourney is run or (b) getting a FIFTY ROUND penalty for ANYTHING? Pretty sure you could kill the dealer, rob the cage downstairs, torch the buffet....and go back to the table and get no more than a 10-round penalty! Right?

Gosh...I thought Mr. Groomes' skin thickness was only tested by my constant litmus tests of items to get his goat...but clearly NOT! Which causes me to ask...who exactly is approved to play there at that Palace of Poker Placidity? Robots? People who are in a coma? I picture those people on that movie ....oh whats it called.....shit! With Scarlett Johannsen (when she was still really hot) and that other dude...where they were clones basically, living in a bubble somewhere...and they all were fed mind numbing meds to make them act like...well...good little boys and girls.

This I think is the perfect poker utopia that Johnny and his fellow henchman are trying to create. HEY! Player! You will not state your opinion at my table....CRACK!!!! Hey...sir! You are speaking in an unacceptable tone....BZZZZZZ!!!! How dare you write that in your blog! Kerrrrr-snap!

Um...Hi...poker players...are you listening? This is OUR GAME! We pay the buyins...we pay their salaries. Just in case you guys forgot this...I'm giving you a simple reminder notice.

Moving on. Ready to find out who the biggest douchebag in...well, quite possibly, the history of the State of Texas is?

The following blog assassination of this assclown is being sponsored by Stephen Baze..who, if you are having many restless, painful nights of sleep to visit him at his store, BEDS TO GO...at 2204 FM 1960 Rd W, Suite A in Houston, Texas...77090...phone number (281) 537-5700.

Go buy a bed from this guy...who happens to be a longtime reader of the Monkey Blog...and tell 'em Monkey sent ya! Hell who knows...if enough of you go give this guy business maybe he will ship me a new bed...a place I've been spending a LOT of time lately. God...I love sleeping!

This is a lovely picture of downtown Houston...a place I have not spent a whole lot of time in. Therefore, I really have NOTHING against it. I still don't...however, their is a scourge living amongst you Houstonians. His name...is C-H-A-D B-U-R-N-S...... thats right. He hails from nearby Spring, Texas. And after last nights maelstrom of Wall Posts, and follow up texts, emails and phone calls from Michael Hallen, Jeffery Timms, Mark Gallagher and several others...it has been learned without a single shred of uncertainty that this is....quite possibly...the single-most #1 candidate for a dirt nap in all of poker!

Yep...here is he is. The king of spray tanning. You heard me...spray tanning. Thought that just your wife or girlfriend did that stupid shit? Well, you would be wrong! Chadwick here is rumored to be the Orangest guy in all of Texas. He has featured a picture of himself...oh FYI...all of these pictures have come STRAIGHT from his Facebook account..which...NO! I am not a friend of his...but he makes his pictures available to the whole world to see...so...we shall view them together, with fun commentary by me!

Now to be fair...who amonst us has never sat there posing like a super-cool crime fighter posing in the mirror...snapping off pictures with the camera in hand...extended as far as possible...which in the case of alligator arms here, is only about 7 inches in front of his face?

Sometimes in life...you get lucky...and that old couple stops when you ask them to take a picture of you sitting on a table in front of a bunch of flowers. I wish my blog were a place where you could insert your captions under each picture...because I have no doubt this would become the most epic blog of all time.

OH gosh...I almost forgot the lead in. Why I have decided to destroy this fool. How silly of me, I'm sorry. So...I responded to Mike's Facebook post. And if you know Facebook, you will realize that after about 3 lines...the rest of what you write will require people to click on 'read more' and hardly anyone ever does. So I like to leave quick little 2 and 3-sentence notes....enter it, and type the next one. So in Mike's wall post...I had a lot of random thoughts flowing through my ever-creative imagination...so I posted about 4 or 5 of them.

Which prompted Mike's Super Midget Facebook Watchdog to spring into action.

"Hey Mike. Who the fuck is this clown? Who calls them selves 'POKERMONKEY!" Must be a real fucking loser! Leaving 5 posts on your wall. Nice life...nothing better to do on a Friday night than blow up your wall!??"

That was the beginning. Then...the guy who obviously had something better to do with his life, especially on a Friday night...proceeded to sling really bad one-liners ...albeit, on Mikes Facebook wall...for about two hours. We call him....a H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E!

So then...as the insults were hurled back and forth, I simply had to check this guy out...so I go look on his profile, to see what this turdburglar looks like. Oh! Yeah...this guy...I've seen him once or twice in tourneys. He is a about 5'6 and possible 120 lbs...with a wet body suit on.

That was when it got funny. He started threatening me...and oh, a few other people...who added comments telling him that he was making himself look like a complete loser.

He continues on with how much money he makes...how many friends he has...you know the type...starts making fun of my age....then when I offer to meet him at Coushatta next week, which honestly, is NOW the only reason I have for wanting to go to Coushatta!!!! He comes back with this nuggett..."yeah, show up to Coushatta...and maybe, if you get outa line with me...I will smear your brains all over the fucking sidewalk." Yep...that was spoken by this troll.

We went on and on and on....until finally I bid him adieu. Thats when everyone else started noticing what was going on. And people started emailing me and texting me tales of this piece of shit.

This is a guy who talks shit in a tourney when they are down to two tables...then, after donking off all his chips...sits at the payout desk, after having bubbled...crying...apparantly hoping that someone who DID cash would take mercy on him and give him a handout. CRYING! Wait....did I mispell that by any chance? C-R-Y-I-N-G

This is a guy who gets people to send him money, not sure how...but does...and then takes a picture of the account when he decides to play online poker ...and posts the photo to his Facebook. He got his hands on $30,000 cash...which we later find out is money that was handed to him by a runner to take to someone...but it doesn't stop him from posting below the photo:

"30 thousand in one month playin poker is pretty cool. no wonder I don't work. lol"

Posted below his screen shot of his poker trips...which he particularly fond of posting...is this nice quote:

"this is what $5000 in chips looks like, my friends! What a way to start the week off...did I mention I LOVE Mondays? lol absolutely ran over the game tonight! going to slee now and of course back at it tomorrow!"

Im sure right after that, he pulled out a mirror, and while looking at himself in that mirror, jerked himself off. He has a penchant for telling everone...'This, MY friends'....'My friends' this....'My friends' that...

Photo of money riding around in his car followed by comment:

"Like $17k riding around with me today on this beautiful 64 degree day in H-town! if you look closely, it appears as though the orange rubberband is smiling...the more money he's wrapped around, the bigger he smiles! lol"

Can we return to the place I like to call....PUNCHMEINTHEFACEBURGVILLE? I have this thing about LOL in general...and all the other little twerpish acronyms people like to use to illustrate their current ability to 'laugh out loud' or roll around on the floor laughing like a fucking dork....or RAOFLLFD. But what I really hate? Is the clowns who like to use LOL in places where it clearly doesn't apply.

Why do they do this? What are we laughing out loud about a rubberband around money? One of the things I hate about playing online poker...aside from the run bad streaks and the jagoffs that like to raise from 25/50 to 177....and other fucking annoying raise amounts...is the tardstain who likes to end every chat comment with 'LOL'....am I the only one?

I keep hoping LOL will just go...crawl if into a hole somewhere...and DIE! Along with 'whatever'...and 'anyways' (which by the way you dumb skanks...does NOT have an 's' on the end of) and 'actually' (the number one over used word among all teenage girls in America today...and even heavily abused by the 20-30 demographic.

Which one of us havent been cruising around in our car and decided...."Hey...I think I will take a kickass, low angle shot of myself while driving! And post that shit on Facebook! Yeah...chicks will LOVE that!" I know I have...at least once a week. Okay...I never have. But maybe...if I start hanging out with the Chadster a little, I will start.

I can't think of a stack of chips I have ever taken a picture of...unless they are the stack from the end of a tourney...where I have emerged victorious. Or maybe someone at my table has constructed a very impressive architectural marvel of some sort...of which, I'm sorry...I have no pictures of. I'll work on that. But this guy....it seems to be one of his top hobbies. And there is almost always a bottle of water next to his stack...driving home the fact that he is super healthy! Ladies!!! Step right up! Midget boy here is living life the right way...and he is rolling like a big-balla...getcha some!

Just for the record...I was prepared to laugh this guy off, as the joke he obviously is, and then it happened. It started with him calling me a fag. Which...again, is like, wow...so 8th grade, right? But when I cleverly returned fire with the announcement that I was married, and married to a very beautiful woman...he comes back with a remark where he called her a cow. Yeah. A cow. Okay...well...thats it. WAR MOTHERF(!*@#*(

You talk shit about my wife...you dig yourself a grave. Punk. So now...I will (a) dedicate my day to making this guy's life miserable...on here...and (b) go looking for him at every poker event...and following him to a place without witnesses and taking care of the family business. I promise not to kill him.

Hey everybody! Look at my online poker account balance! Who does this? Who takes a picture/screenshot of their online balance and puts it on their Facebook? Who? This might be a fun connection...also appearing on his pages full of photos...and I'm sure half of you that HAVE Facebook have already raced off and pulled up his page and are looking at his profile and pictures, arent you? Don't worry...near the end of this...I'm gonna clobber you all with a barrage of messages that came piling in from people I actually like, respect, and admire....and if there is a way to get EVERY SINGLE house game in Texas to shut the doors to this prick...it would be a victory for the human race! Hell, maybe the Governor of Texas himself reads my blog...and will do something about deporting this waste of DNA to another state like....mmmm, I don't know....Missouri?

Look at this guy! Look at those midget arms...nice elbows...imagine a basketball game with him...the thought of him trying to box out and snag a rebound. When I looked at this picture...I laughed for about ten minutes.

This is another thing people with zero confidence, zero self-esteem, and zero common sense like to do. They like to pose in photos with people who are well known. Who are a master in their field. Who might...MIGHT...make them look a little better by posing with a photo with that successful person...then post it on their Facebook for everyone to look at it and think to themselves..."Wow...Chad is friends with Phil and Patrick and Mike!??? That is so cool! Neato...I think I will try to be friends with Chad...because then my game will improve, chicks will dig me more...and who knows, maybe my golf game will get better too!!!!!!"
What a fucking assclown!

I'm not experienced in the field of fetching autographs or getting well known celebs to pose with me for a photo...so I have to ask...how does it work? What is the magic phrase that he busts out with to get this wonderful photo op to occur? I would like to be a fly on that wall. Can you hear a fly laugh hysterically?

If you look carefully, in the right lense of his glasses, you can see him holding the camera...to take yet another awesome photo of .....CHAD!

Is this a rap video I'm watching here? Where is the big-ass black girls in bikinis? The convertibles with gold rims that are spinnin (man they spinnin!)? The gold-toothed groupies? I mean...I see the 'benjamins!' He's got it partially right! Well, if you look in his photo gallery, you will notice the pictures of a lot of cars...nice cars, corvettes, Aston Martins, Range Rovers...Mercedes'...only problem is, they aren't his. He just likes to run around and take pictures of cars he wish were his...as well as HOUSES! Yeah...so when you see some scarecrowey-looking dude lurking around your neighborhood holding a camera and appearing to be a P.I. or something? Don't worry...its probably just Chad taking pictures of your house so he can send them to some girl on Facebook telling them its his mansion! It's not...he actually bounces around the Houston area renting rooms in people's houses until they kick him out. Having no credit sucks.

Chaddie likes to golf apparantly. So much so that he posted an entire photo gallery of his entire club set. Why? Next to one of the photos is this gem of a comment: "My $7,000 set of clubs! You think maybe I take this sport pretty seriously??" No...I think maybe you hate yourself, and your life...and have no friends...and are trying desperately to get someone to notice you. Yeah? Close to dead on Chadster?

Y'all might know this kid. His name is Jeff Timms. He's a big boy from Texas...a little brash and outspoken...but a good guy, and a helluva poker player...well, when he feels like playing well. Then there are those times he 'just dont give a fuck' and blows up his stack before hustling off to the craps table! Hey...and the good thing about Jeff...he admits to this! He sent this picture with the message..."Tell Chad this is a big EF YOU to him from me!"


Pouya Jafari...aka 'ALI from Houston':

just a little help on the chad burns thing. He spray tans and his skin is almost orange. He shaves his arms and legs, the gap between his eyebrows are longer than my ..... (guessing thats cock!) he weighs about 140 soaking wet, he rents out rooms in people's houses, doesnt even have his own place. He talks shit to everyone, and thinks hes not a total psycho. you have no idea what his mom used to do to him when he was a kid. He lives with some game runner out in houston renting a room or something.

Mark Gallagher: (when asked by Jeff Timms what the hell was going on)

It is everything you would expect Jeff. Trust me Monkey, all of Houston knows that Chad Burns is a huge POS. You could rob him with a spoon. Don't waste two seconds considering his threats. He is a massive angle shooter that has been banned from almost every home game in Houston. He busted a tournament I played and literally cried while waiting at the payout line. He tried to trick Matt Graham into staking him online and I made sure Matt didn't fall for it. When Chad found out he went bat-shit crazy just like he did to you. He didn't know it was me so he started sending violent threats to several people hoping one was the right person. He is a desperate, sad human being and if he wants to make more of this you can send him google map directions to my apartment. just move past it...he is certainly not worth your time.

Later on...about an hour later...also from Mark:

"He's sending me death threats now. I think he's moved on from you!"

I was off playing cash game at the IP...but at some point in the night, dipshit finally did something smart...he deleted all of his ridiculous comments off of Mike Hallen's wall.

JEFFERY TIMMS weighed in with his two cents:

"okay folks. My turn. Just to clarify on Mark Gallaghers first post. There are a minimum of 10 people that told MattG not to stake king borrowandnotpay Chad Burns. I myself was one as well. Chad is epicly bad. One of the worst in Houston anyone has ever seen. If you guys want a good laugh, go to his FB page and read about all his poker triumphs. The guy is incredible. If you go off his info, he books about 1 losing session out of every 20. The guy cant mention anything of any substance without putting a monetary value in front of it first. i.e. $3000 watch, $80,000 mercedes, etc. Chad, I know you're gonna read this, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND YOU'RE POSSESSIONS. THATS WHY YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, AND NO ONE IN HOUSTON HAS SEEN YOU EVER WITH A FEMALE IN THE 10 YEARS YOU'VE BEEN AROUND! its real easy to make brag posts about all ur wins in poker when you collect when you win and never pay anyone when you lose. Chad borrows like $1000 from an unnamed person online on Full Tilt Poker, on 2 different occasions run it up to $20,000 and $30,000 from 200 or so, REFUSES TO PAY IT BACK, EXACTING A DIFFERENT EXCUSE EVERY SINGLE TIME.

This guy is bottom barrel scum that walks around like he's rich. And yes, Chad...I did fuck off $250k in 6 months. So what? It was MY fucking money. I didn't BORROW it from others and NEVER pay them back! He cant even play on the north side of Houston anymore because (1) he either owes every game runner or another player in the game tab, (2) he causes nothing but trouble when he comes to play anyway. I'm really hoping that Chad find the wrong person to fuck out of money so they can teach him a lesson. Kris Tate had it right a few years ago...when he followed Chad one day and did what was needed to handle this little weasel. Chad, I will bad mouth you online, and I will say it in person. If you have any problems with it, you know where to find me. FN, WP!

Joey Gross from Baton Rouge:

LOL (grrrr) Dude is a tool bag. I've got his online name now....I'll be looking for him in the HU omaha games.

Jeff Timms, a little later:

You know what should be done? Chad is playing on Full Tilt against their rules and regulations. hes not even playing on his own account. I bet if someone were to email FTP support and make them aware of this, they might put the old freeze button on the funds. Just saying....

Oh...it just keeps getting better and better...just when I was about to click on PUBLISH...I just checked back...this just in!!!!


"U guys wanna know what Chad Burns just said to me on here?"

Chad says "I hope your newborn dies in her sleep tonight you fucking clown. you hear me boy. You fuckin hear me? thats right, I said it. now come and do something you fat fuck. Please come and find me and do something". Well boys, consider it done.

Wow...I might have inspired something very...ugh...controversial? No no, wrong word...alarming? Deserved? Not sure...but I smell trouble in river city. I just hope he is still alive when I get to Coushatta next week. Then again...what are the odds on that little peckerwood even showing up!???

Wow...that was incredibly long. Bet you guys can't wait for the exciting conclusion of....Monkey vs. the Poker Mafia!!! Patience my kitties, patience. The world we are living in...it is a changing. The time to lay down and get sand kicked in your face, to eat shit, to unnecesarily kiss ass...is OVER!

Hope you enjoyed this fun little diatribe.