Sunday, August 28, 2011

No Geux at the Beau...and the Tale of a Weasel!

 So...yeah, the Gulf Coast Poker Championship is on Day 3. If you have come looking for me...A.K.A. 'Monkey' you have discovered that I am not present. Is it because I chose to travel to Oklahoma for the Win-Star 'River' event that I have been non-intentionally avoiding for the past 4 years? Um. No. It's not. 

It might have been! Had my message to Johnny Grooms at the Beau been returned 16 days ago...informing me that he was going to deny me access to this event, which, between you and I, wasn't where I really wanted to be. No, I looked at the schedule, and the structures...and frowned. I have no idea whose idea it is to schedule a $550 on Friday followed by a $340 on Saturday and $230 on Sunday. Let's see, people have jobs M-F right? And Friday was the first day of the event. And oh...yeah, there is no such THING as Online Poker anymore...so you no longer have to worry about all the top players staying home to grind all the Sunday majors. So...common sense would suggest that you might want to do something like...$340 on Friday, $340 on Saturday and a $550 on Sunday. No?

Where was I? Oh yeah. Walking into the Beau Rivage Thursday. Why? Well...because I was planning to play poker. See, a little over three weeks ago, I decided I might drive up to Tunica and try to satellite into that $3k Main Event. So I thought I'd better call just to make sure my 'status' with 'The Two Weasels' was indeed switched to 'ACTIVE' mode. And since I'd just played the last 7 months without nary an incident, and since most of the players and floor people are well aware of my 'personality makeover' and my dedication to my commitment to completely stop drinking at the poker table...I didn't expect a problem.

Weasel #1...who so graciously gave me the 'green light' to play at Goldstrike in Tunica...but who's thumb did a 180 for the Beau Rivage event...why? You ask him!

 So when I sent a text message to floor person Shaun Johnston...asking if I was cleared to play up there...he told me to hold on, while he went to ask Johnny...A.K.A. Weasel #1. Shaun texted me back. "Yes, you can come. Please be on best behavior. See you soon!" Goodie. I am allowed to play, as long as I am a good little boy.

So, it would stand to reason that I would have expected the same treatment when I arrived at the Beau to play. Right? Same company? Same staff? Was I concerned that Grooms failed to respond to my email message from the 12th? Naw...figured he was just letting me twist and sweat. Wouldn't be the first time he has played this act.

 So...what happens instead? Oh yeah. You guessed it. You readers are REALLY smart. See..that is why I like you guys...cuz you can figure shit out. I walk into the Beau at 6:35pm. I see my wife...delivering drinks. Go say hi. Give her a kiss. She wishes me good luck. 12 minutes later I see my wife again. Me seething. Her consoling me. And praying that I not freak out right there in her place of employment. Nope. Not going to happen.

See, several people in the last two days have talked to her...asked her if I was going nuts, freaking out, tearing up the house...plotting death and mayhem. To which she replies...and is being quite honest:

"No, not at all. He really wasn't all that excited about playing this event anyway. He was going to try to stay home just so he could avoid being away from me again. The only thing he is upset about is the way they handled it...that they couldn't tell him two weeks ago, so he could have gone and played that other event...thats all. He's fine."

And she would be dead on. Here is the deal...and this has been the deal now for 4 years running. I think the Beau Rivage is fantastic. Especially for a place like Biloxi. My wife has worked there since they opened. We have insurance through them. A LOT of our friends work there. I have ZERO issue with THE CASINO. 

Nope. I have issue with the poker management. And after Ken Lambert left last month...and went to go work at Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, I had no idea what to expect from Johnny and Eric Comer. I have not had a real rosy past with either of them. But at the same time...I would think they would want my business, and my ability to promote an event through my blog. I mean...that WOULD make sense right?

Given that attendance at their events has done nothing but decrease over the past four years, wouldn't it stand to reason that they would be doing anything they could to improve the turnout? Instead of the exact opposite? 

Would anyone find it shocking to know that the WPT decided to leave the Beau Rivage off of their tournament schedule this year? And likely won't be coming back. Why? I am told it was because they were asked to fall in line with all the other casinos, and bend to the current poker economic trend...which calls for lower buy ins for their big events to attract a much bigger field. Its a simple dollar and cents (as well as sense!) philosophy. These events that were charging $10k to play were only attracting about 80 to 140 max...which meant a very small number of players in the hotel. Which of course means, slower action on the casino floor, less patrons in the restaurants...and on and on. You get the picture. But the Beau wouldn't budge. Why? Because they pride themselves as a 5-Star property...and the thought of  lowering their $10k buy in on their WPT Main Event would just make them look bad. A slap in the face! So instead...they just lose the entire event. 

Can you see the writing on the wall? The casino town of Biloxi is about to become...repeat after me....I-R-R-E-L-E-V-A-N-T

Why? Because no 'full-time' professional poker players are going to come to a town with no WPT or WSOP affiliated events. The I.P. was recently purchased by Boyd Gaming...who (pretty well known in the industry) are not exactly chummy with the gang from WSOP. So that event at the I.P. that is coming up? That circuit event? The one where I won my first ring last year? You are probably seeing the last of its kind this year as well. And the I.P.'s events have been poorly attended the past five years ANYWAY. So how does Biloxi see any kind of improvement on the horizon?
Well, in a word. It doesn't. Unless a few things change.

Oh yeah. So what happened when I walked in, you ask? As I reached the top of the escalator, there they were...the 'Two Weasels' walking from the other direction, in tandem, almost as though it were planned.  Johnny sees me, smirks...and asks what I'm doing there.

"Well, I think I am here to play poker...."

He looks at me...chewing on something...which is what I become transfixed on because its just annoying...and shakes his head from side to side.

"Nope....not gonna happen. We still have a ban on you."

"Is that right? For what? For that little 'issue' in January? When you guys told me...after 10 days of the event that I had to sit out the rest of the event? But that I wasn't 86'd?"

"Who told you that?" (this from Grooms)

"You did Johnny! Right over there on that couch! With Ken Lambert! You told me I wasn't banned, but that I had to sit out the rest of the event due to a 'few' player complaints about me...which in actuality ended up being ONE guy with a bigshot player rating who went to his casino host and had me railroaded out of the event via upper management."

"No..I didn't say that."

Well, there are a few things I can handle in life. And a few I can't. Lying two-faced weasels are one of the things I cannot handle. Hey...the thought of walking in there and even attempting to play, and put money in that shyster's pocket...was already making me sick enough. But its been a rough year. And I was looking to reduce my costs on travel and hotel by staying home. And staying with my wife and dogs. So I was going to just swallow my pride and play this crappy event. But then this jerk tells me I'm banned? So when I again ask him "why am I banned!!??" 

How does he respond? "Oh I'm not going to get into that with you." Really? So I'm banned but you won't tell me why? Awesome. And why didn't he return my email from two weeks prior? Why couldn't he just NOT BE PETTY...be a freaking MAN...and answer me back, telling me he wasn't going to allow me to play...so I could make plans to go somewhere else? Why? So he could get some kind of juvenile thrill out of turning me away after I waited, and walked in their door? That....is FUCKED up! So what was his answer to that? 

"I don't do my business through email." Which is also horseshit. This guy has been 'doing his business' with me via text message and email for years now.

So before I really lost my temper, I just told him I appreciated him handling this with such class, and walked away. Then proceeded to tell Squirrel what happened, then left. Went to I.P. to play cash for 6 hours...where I proceeded to lose $16. Yippy.

Then I went home, went to bed, and when I woke up...I started a new group on my Facebook page. It is called: 'BOYCOTT the BEAU til GROOMS is TOAST'

I made my little speech...launched the group...asked my good friends, if they could, to show their solidarity by NOT playing at the Beau Rivage until management there finally gets rid of his ass. Within 4 hours of creating that...I had close to 300 members. THREE HUNDRED! And posting to the wall were between 30-40 people/players saying they were going to go play the GCPC event...but after reading all the threads...they were cancelling their trip. I would like to THANK those people. 

So obviously I have been keeping tabs on the numbers the first few days. That first nightly tourney drew fewer than 50 players. The $550 on Friday attracted about 225 players. And then on Saturday, for the $340 they had a decent turnout...of about 450. Including a lot of my good buddies, which...I won't lie, kind of irked me. But what was fun was following all the Twitters and Facebook posts from guys we all consider to be excellent players...talking about how bad the structure was.

"Pretty lousy that we are paying $550 in a tourney and only getting 30 minute levels on a speedy structure..."  ~player from Baton Rouge who I'm not revealing here.

"You have to be kidding me! 226 started and at dinner break there are only 50 players left? Who did this structure? ~player from Dallas, TX...again, not revealing.

Poker players aren't stupid. The Beau used to put on good events. Great actually. The WSOP has stepped up and destroyed them in every way. Offering attractive room rates. Attracting huge player fields. Selling merchandise at their events, and offering food choices. Giving out vouchers for food. Giving the players amazing tournament structures. Bringing good dealers. It has now put itself in the category of 'can't miss' events. 

Johnny Grooms' strategy? Get 'em in, get 'em out...pay out as little as possible to the floor and dealers...screw the food, screw the merchandising, screw the players wants and desires. Just get their money...take his cut...and laugh all the way to the bank. I got emails from...ready? EIGHT! Dealers...all who wanted to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons...who all used to LOVE coming to the Beau to work these events. None of them decided to come. 

One of the reasons? They are limited to 40 hours a week. ZERO chance of overtime...which for poker dealers...is like telling them they will have to skinny dip with hungry piranhas. Yeah yeah, I know...we have all heard the dealers bitching about how much they have been working...how tired they are. Right? I agree. But for circuit events? Which are usually 10-14 day events? They have to pay to fly to that city. They have to pay for their hotels, on almost EVERY event. Which means...they are already starting out about $1000 in the hole. So they are chasing the whole time they are there. Trust me, they ALL want to work 50-60 hours a week. But Johnny won't allow for one hour of overtime. 

So when the good dealers start cancelling, guess what you get instead? Right...the ones who are willing to work for peanuts. Allow me to make a comparison. Drive through at McDonalds vs. dinner for four at B.R. Prime. Case closed.  And that isn't to say there aren't still some GOOD dealers dealing this event...surely there are. And a lot of them I have the utmost respect for. Even they know what I am talking about here. And I'm sure will agree. The slow erosion of a once-great product/event is taking its toll on the Beau Rivage.

I am done with poker at the Beau Rivage until Johnny Grooms no longer works there. Period. People were telling me to "be careful" Will...don't do anything to make it worse! Hey...guess what? I don't care! I really don't. Worse? How, exactly could it get worse? This guy has been treating me like shit for four years now. I've jumped through all his damn hoops and shit like he wanted me to for too long. My issues with poker have been resolved everywhere except the one casino where I LIVE! I am at total peace with myself finally, where poker is concerned. I had a bad summer but I showed everyone that I am not what has been portrayed by some. I am absolutely thrilled to be back, on a FULL TIME basis with the World Series of Poker...

I tried like hell to do nothing but help this weasel-bag run a better event the past few years. And he kicks me out for a variety of reasons...one which resulted from him READING THIS BLOG and not liking that I was critical of his structures and some of his dealers who had some real SHIT attitudes. So instead of USING that information...to provide a better product to the poker community, he goes after the messenger. Banning me for WRITING something about his poker room. Nice management style. This guy is a joke. An absolute joke. And if you are a big fan of his...ask yourself a question: how well do you REALLY know him? Do you think he really gives a damn about YOU?

I am not bitter. I don't NEED the Beau Rivage. Not at all. It just sucks for my wife that three times a year I don't get to be at home with her for those six weeks that those three events consist of...playing in what should or COULD be a great event. Promoting the hell out of it here and on my Facebook. So please, don't just read this and dismiss it with 'Ahhh Monkey is just pissed off cuz Grooms won't let him play here.' I'm really not. What I am pissed about, is that the weasel wasn't man enough to handle this, and me...like a professional. 

That is all I have to say on this matter.

My car is finally fixed. Went and picked it up yesterday in Pensacola. Only cost $1800. Only? Yeah...well, for awhile there it was looking like it might be $4000. And its running great. Really missed my car. 

Gave about 12 seconds of thought to playing the end of month tourney at the Pensacola Dog Track for $350. Then my brain caught up with the rest of me and told me I was an idiot if I went through with it. 

Drafted my first NFL Fantasy team of the season. A lot of guys were getting disconnected, I guess due to that little dust up along the east coast. I loved watching CNN and Weather Channel yesterday...they were trying SO HARD to hype this Irene up. What a joke. I looked at that thing on Friday night and told Cheryl..."This thing will barely be a tropical storm by the time it gets to NYC...and they are panicking like the end of the world is coming." Well, as predicted, they got nothing more than a lot of rain and a little wind. Please...when you Yankees are ready for a 'real storm' come down south and pay us a visit.

And how must these people in Tuscaloosa and Joplin feel seeing all this attention being paid for what amounts really to almost nothing? Joplin had their entire CITY wipe off the map almost...and over 160 people died...and did we see any special TV programs benefiting the victims of Joplin and/or Tuscaloosa? Hell no. But lets make sure we send billions to freaking Haiti...which was already the biggest hell hole on Earth BEFORE the earthquake hit it! The more I live in the country, the more I realize everyday just how much our media controls our lives. What we see, how we are expected to react to what we see. Its disgusting. I've taken to a lot more honest forms of media...mostly via Apps on my iPad...and now pretty much ignore what I see on CNN and FOX News. I was watching Shepard Smith the other day...and I literally almost threw up. Why, when I used to watch this guy 5 years ago did he not only NOT nauseate me, but who I actually found quite engaging? Watching him now...I wanted to puke. Did he just evolve into this slimy douche?

See that grass up there that my 4Runner is sitting on? Well, that picture was taken when I first got that car. That yard? That was the yard BEFORE I paid $1000's of dollars to have a sprinkler system and sod installed. My current tenant has done a HORRENDOUS job of taking care of the yard. One of the things I stipulated to the management company who I hired to oversee the renting of my home was that the yard be taken care of. In fact, it was priority number one! Well...as I stopped by the house yesterday to 'check things out' I was nearly knocked on my ass. It couldn't look worse. Now my biggest question is who's hide I'm going to take the $1500 or so out of...that its going to cost to replace all that dead sod!!??? I've about had it with this rental company...in case your wondering who NOT to use in the Pensacola-Perdido Key area? That would be POINTE SOUTH REALTY!

I believe this blog is done. Time to go cut the grass. Maybe wash the dogs.

Oh...again...if you have friend requested me on Facebook...and their are now over 80 in the 'hold queue' that I haven't confirmed...if there is NO message telling me who you are, how I know you, or why I should confirm you...I won't. I haven't hit 'IGNORE' yet...you're just sitting there...with your picture of a bush, a dog, a cat, a rock, a car, famous actor, or just a sun glass shaded face at a poker table of a person I don't recognize...waiting for me to be provided a reason for approving you. Feel free to fire me off a message if you think I am talking about you. And chances are, I will probably confirm you. 


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fantasy Football? Pools? Come on!!!

I know! You are here to read all about the latest shenanigans about Chad Burns huh? And this is the first thing you saw! Good!!!

No! You canNOT draft her! My league isn't THAT awesome!

I have THREE fantasy leagues that filled rather quickly...so quickly that a bunch of good guys got shut out...so I opened a fourth league, on Yahoo...for $200 a team. I have sold 5 teams so far. There is room for 16...I would be happy with 12 or more. The live online draft is scheduled for Monday the 5th...at 6:15 CT. If you are interested? Email me...at ThePoolMonkey@aol.com

Also in the hopper...my pools got thrown for a major loop this season when the guy who owns Office Football Pool got cold (as ice) feet when all the governmental regulatory BS started up with online pools, gambling, poker...you name it. And since he knows me, and knows my pools aren't for 'entertainment purposes only' he refused to do business with me...after ten years. Awesome. So I've had to scramble to find a site to replace him with.

I have a NFL Survivor 25 pool, an NFL Survivor 100 pool, a NCAA Survivor Pool and a NFL/NCAA Confidence Pool...all scattered over three sites. I know my numbers are going to be down this season...but the alternative was to quit altogether...and that just seemed wrong on every level! If you are fired up about the NFL season...and would like IN on my yearly pools...shoot me an email, I will be sure to add you to my pool distribution list. Two weeks before football season!!!

ThePoolMonkey@aol.com is the place to hit me to 'get on the list.'


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Hear Those Crickets?

...I know, 8 days without a blog. Pretty freaky huh? Truth is, I just haven't conjured up anything to write about. I almost feel...mmm, what? Bad? Kind of, I guess. 

Played a little on Felt Stars...and was about to entertain thoughts to put more money on there so I could quit playing small stakes BS and listen to assclowns question why I'm playing such small limits. Um....yeahhhh...good question. Maybe because I only have $100 on there and am trying to run it up to a respectable amount.

Well, then I find out from the guy who I was originally trying to hatch a deal with those guys...yeah that was my pending 'online deal' when Black Friday arrived (and it was going to be a pretty attractive deal, too) I find out he has since left them. Also didn't know that they joined the 'Merge' network. Well, my Father-in-Law wins a tourney on there for close to $1k...and has spent the past month trying to get some of it cashed out with no luck whatsoever. Then, I hear rumors that they are about to pull up operations in the U.S. too. Great. So, what motivation would anyone have for playing on there now?

So what does a 'poker pro' do when he is at home in between events? I used to sit at home and grind online...granted, with little success usually. So I don't know, you could kind of look at the banishment of online poker within our borders as a good thing (for me) if only I was using that time to do things more constructive, like working out for example.

Which...I might have been actually doing once in awhile...if it weren't for my 4Runner being in the shop for the last 26 days. Yeah. You heard me. Today is DAY 26 of '4Runner Held Hostage in Pensacola!' They finally found the problem. Some crazy, maverick, renegade wire located in the body of the car back near the rear quarter panel. Which was creating a live draw? The power stayed on after the car was turned off, which resulted in the battery being dead. Should be ready tomorrow...I'm told. I've been asking 'how much' now since Thursday...and keep getting told "I'm still adding everything up." That usually isn't a good thing. 

This summer has sucked. August...ugh. I've tried to go out in my backyard about 4 times to catch a little sun. Forget it. 100 degree heat, 80% humidity...its not even possible. I walk outside, take two breaths...and immediately go back inside. You hear about all the stories about people being raised in Mississippi back in the 50's and 60's...who worked manual labor...who didn't have A/C. And you never really have the chance to appreciate what they went through...because you are usually in your nicely air conditioned house when they are talking about it. Holy shit...just walking around out there...like...when I walk to the mailbox? I feel sorry for any poor bastard that EVER had to live through that nightmare!

Trying to beat this speeding ticket I got in Texas. Wrote a letter. Also wrote one to Las Vegas...for the one I got there. Was just looking for a little 'break' on that one. Here is what I get back. From Vegas. I am invited to do online traffic court...then pay $145. In return, the ticket doesn't go on my record. The savings over just paying the damn ticket? ZILCH. Mmmmm, yeah, awesome. From Texas? I have been invited to attend a court date on Sept 1st. Yup. Oh! But if I call the court in advance, I can arrange for a conference call on the day of court with the judge. Anyone out there won a case via conference call? Got a feeling there will be another stupid $208 going west. I should probably call my insurance company and find out where I am on the scoreboard they keep that tells the State when to suspend your license and the insurance company to jack your rates. I think I might be getting close on at least one of them.
How did the figure of speech "We got 'em dead to rights" come about? I have never understood it, and still don't.

I read a lot of comments, and make the occasional comment of my own when reading a news story. Is it just me...or do you find it impossible to take someone at all seriously when their bad grammar and/or constant misspelled words deprive you of a pleasant reading experience?

This here is a pretty cool video of developing Hurricane Irene...swirling around out in the Atlantic...currently having just finished 'doing work' in Puerto Rico...and quickly approaching the Bahamas as a Category 2 storm, with the chance of getting much stronger. If you look closely at the storm's track, you will notice it has a wonderful chance of visiting those assholes who run our country up in DC. I'm not going to lie...I've been having some pretty sadistic fantasies the past day or so.

NetworkedBlogs...the company who's job it is to pull blogs and make them immediately POST to your Facebook and/or Twitter? They suck. This prick who claims to run the company? I emailed him...telling him my problem, explaining that I am paying $4.99 a month to give my posts priority 'pull' status. He sends me back a form email...telling me (remember he is its OWNER) I would have more success if I sent my problem to their very generic SUPPORT email. Really??? I sent them an email. I continue to have the same problem. In fact, they never even responded. 

My new dilemma? Obviously I want to stop paying them for their 'non-service' that they aren't performing. The issue? The amount of energy and aggravation required to figure out how to suspend that payment on PayPal? I can't convince myself that its worth $4.99 a month. I wish I was being charged at LEAST $15 a month...then I could find that precious hour or so of time to drive myself nuts!

So...David Diaz won the Main Event in Tunica eh? It is safe to say 'Lefty' is having a great summer. I am seriously contemplating firing up the chainsaw and having Squirrel lop off one of my arms. I mean...whatever it takes! I'm actually real happy for Dave..he's a good guy! Nothing wrong with good guys running good. Sam Barnhardt...another guy who has run like God this Summer. Well, I am crossing my fingers that the poker gods were saving up all my 'run good' for the end of the year like they did last year!

So. What is next? After this month and a half that I have done nearly nothing? Well, I was hoping to go play in South Florida at that WPT event...but my car had other ideas. Maybe my car was doing me a favor. Hear Darryl Fish took 5th in the Main Event down there for 50k or so. Awesome. Good for DFish...another kid I really like a lot. Well...I am, or was...torn between two events. The Gulf Coast Poker Championship at the Beau Rivage...which starts on Thursday night...or the event up in Thackerville, Oklahoma at Win Star Casino...an event they call 'The River.'

The problem, that River event started the 22nd. Tomorrow is the 24th. Kind of running out of time to play that one. That and I hear from a lot of good players (Diaz being one of them) that the structures up there are total shit. Ugh. I hate bad structures. So I guess its going to be a kamikaze mission at the Beau Rivage. I say that because I have no idea how that is going to go. The last time I played there, I was asked to sit out the last three days of the event due to some asshole who apparantly went to his casino host and bitched enough about me to get that host to order the guys running the poker tourney to 'make me disappear' for the 'rest of the event.' No, I wasn't 86'd. My offense? Busting the guy's wife with AQ against her KK's. Yeah...that's pretty much what ticked him off. 

So...am I allowed to play at the Beau? I haven't been back since. Haven't even tried. But since I will be here...and since no one has told me I CAN'T play...and since I was welcomed to play the Goldstrike event...with the same staff running that event that will be running this event, wouldn't it be safe to assume that I can walk in and plunk down my money and play with the rest of you folks? I would like to think so. Coupled with having played all summer at every casino in Vegas (except Bill's Gambling Hall) without nary an incident...I'm not sure what reason would exist to keep me out. But...nothing that ever happens there surprises me, so I will go there expecting nothing either way.  So yeah..I will be there Thursday, attempting to play the nightly. If I am there, and you are there, please do not order and/or send me a shot or a drink. Remember? On January 16th I quit drinking in poker...and I have held true to that. And since it is the Beau...and since drinking has had a hand in my past 'issues' there...I will continue to consume cranberry with lime!

Hey! Memo to those 72 people who are currently sitting in my 'Pending Requests' folder on Facebook. There is a reason I haven't 'Confirmed' you yet. When you Friend Requested me...you didn't add a note/message telling me who you are, what you do, why I should approve you. Nothing. And your picture on your profile was probably a dog, a car, your baby, a waterfall, a stack of chips...something that gave me NO IDEA who you are or why I should accept you into my list of cultists. Only reason! And about once every month or two, I will inconvenience myself by typing a very polite message to use...explaining myself...that I will copy/paste to each and every one of these people...and wait for them to respond...at which time I will either IGNORE them for all eternity or simply CONFIRM them as a friend.

So today...I get this message from a guy who (a) has no picture on his profile at all, and a name like a cartoon character (b) sent me a friend request over a month ago (c) has a total of SEVEN friends, all being 'name' poker personalities...which just screams POKER STALKER (d) lists his hobbies as UFC, Ganja, and smuggling (e) is from TEXAS!!!! and (d) sends me a message spazzing out about how I should feel bad now that today's news reported that Amy Winehouse was discovered to NOT have any illegal narcotics in her system when she died. Then goes on to browbeat me for not accepting his friend request. Tells me, ah hell...here is his message>>>>

now you feel dumb winehouse didn't even die from a drug OD, you blog is getting worse than TBC yet you are a bigger toolbag. At least TBC has some balls buddy. Shame I loved your blog for a minute. dude why couldn't you add me, is it too much to add a blog reader?

Yeah...well...I simply responded with this:

Well, given your hostile tone, I'm glad I didn't. First of all, I have currently got 74 pending requests. If someone friend requests me and leaves NO message telling me who they are or how I know them it usually just sits there until one day I send them a message politely asking how I know them. If anyone requests and tells me they read my blog I always accept. You obviously did not do that. And FTR? Being compared to what's his face and being called a toolbag? Yeah? Why would I want you on my friends list?

Bout the only thing I have in common with this guy? We are both born in February. Yeah...see this whole poker blogging thing? It's a whacky ride on the 'Agitator' once in awhile. For those thinking about creating a blog and becoming really super BLOG FAMOUS!!!??? (yes I am chuckling while writing this) I would reconsider this future goal.

Wondering what's going on with The Mighty Chad Burns? Yeah...aren't we all. Quick update. After Anthony Howe torched me on his blog...Chad saw an opening...a shot at an alliance! To which he quickly responded by sending a Facebook message to Anthony. Which...after Anthony and I mended our fences, granted...I really didn't have a problem with Anthony to start with (not personally anyway) he turned right around and shared Chad's attempt at befriending him with me.

Listen man, attacking this stupid mother named Poker Monkey is simply a waste of time...he's the lowest form of human life that I've ever come across...this idiot is 44 years old but acts as if he is 12! So fucking sad and i can only hope that he follows your advice and blows his fucking brains out!! I will literally celebrate the death of this moron when he leaves this planet...he doesn't deserve to breathe the same air that you and i do! I have no more time to spend talking about this dumbass, I've got money to make on this beautiful Monday morning...take care bro

Chad Burns

How did I react to this? I think I smiled and clicked on REPLY...then just typed "A pretty standard response from the Orange Troll." and hit send. Anthony claims to have no room in his 'Friend Den' for Mr. Burns. On a side note...here is how sick I can be sometimes. If it wasn't for all the loving people in my life...I mean, literally, if I were ALL ALONE in the world...just to fuck with this guy, I would blow my brains out. But this is only if I knew that I would become a ghost. I think the whole 'ghost thing' is still up for debate, right? But if I knew I could 'haunt' him? Oh...I would so kill myself...just so I could come and scare the shit out of him for the rest of his life.  ;)

Later I got a fun message from another friend/blog reader involving the Oompa Looompa from Spring, Texas...this one courtesy of a Twitter post and involving Jennicide...who also goes by the 'human name' of Jennifer Leigh.

hey will...was tooling around TWITTER and came across this. Chad Burns to Jennicide(Jennifer Leigh)..."will do, for sure! I'm in Houston btw...if u are ever in town, hit me up...underground games are ridiculous here!!! 281-814-6904" ...was dated august 13th. d.w.

Good stuff. What a balla! Oh...and do I have a problem letting you all see his phone number? Typically, I would say 'yes' but since he has had his little weasel bag friends prank calling me 'for him' I have zero problem with it. Let the prank calls begin!!!!

I have the settings on my Facebook set so that ANYone...and by ANYONE I mean...even the likes of shitbird over there in Spring...can post to my 'Wall.' A few people have suggested I change it. Ah hell, why? Because of ONE stupid little twerp? Who cares? In fact...its actually funny...I will make a wall post...he will chime in with some of his sociopathic horseshit...and it immediately becomes an 80-100 post thread...with the hammer always being dropped on him from my whole Facebook 'crew.' Why he subjects himself to that I have no idea. It's comical.

And I know...since I discovered that place where you can create animated movies, with actors who speak in a hilarious (or annoying if you are my wife) monotonal (or monotonistic, whichever one of those words works) voice all throughout the scene, I know I promised an epic movie, which is going to be titled "Purple vs. Orange" and I feel bad that I have yet to come up with this awesome piece of movie-making. Hey...classics take time people. Excellence cannot be rushed!!! I will invest some deep thought into this in the next three days.

Finally...I have yet again issued a challenge to Troll Face. Which...as he did the last time, he ignored. Here is a guy who likes to challenge everyone to 'come to Houston and find me...so I can fuck you up you pussy.' Yes...he issued this threat/challenge to no fewer than 7 people now on my Facebook wall. He has also taken to calling women friends of mine...some in their 20's, some in their 30's, some even in their 50' and 60's...he draws no line...some wonderful names, including that special one no one with any class ever utters to a lady. Yeah...that one that starts with 'C.' Oh...this guy is a real GEM! 

So yeah...anyway, I offered to meet him, at a gym that features a boxing ring...for a 'Fight for Charity.' I would give him half the gate to give to his 'Cause' which I'm sure we can all figure out where that would end up.

My half would probably be split up between a few different causes. One being this kid Jarred Lucius, who I found out had his surgery, it was successful, and he is currently recovering. Now he just needs to pay all his bills and find some money to survive on for the next three months. I would also make another donation to the Red Cross. And this week, I've been doing a lot of YouTubing...as well as watching all of the ESPN features 'E:60'...wow, never watched that show in the past. What a great show! I sent a $50 donation to A.R.M. which stands for Animal Rescue Mission...and is located in South Florida. A guy named Richard Couto started it, and basically risks his life, fighting against big mafia rings down there to stop the torture and murder of horses, for the simple and barbaric act of selling their meat on the black market. 

Watching that feature nearly brought tears to my eyes. I sent the donation, and emailed Richard, thanking him for his courage. He immediately emailed me back the next day. They call him Kuto...and he is one of my new hero's. I'm adding new links to his site...as well as one for the Big Cat rescue farm and the Center for Great Apes...which were both forwarded to me by my newest cousin Michael Dobbins.

Sorry, I got sidetracked. So does anyone think Mr. Burns accepted my offer? I was going to sell tickets on here for $20. We would hold the event in either Biloxi, Shreveport, or New Orleans sometime in the next three months...and while I am in horrendous shape right now (compared to earlier times in my life) I still think I have enough in the tank to entertain the crowd with at least 4 rounds of Chad Burns beatdown...unless of course I was to drop him earlier than that! Nope...no word back from his 'Royal Orangeness.'

So...I guess we will all just sit and be continuously amused by Chad and his 'tough guy from behind the computer' act. Someone has shared with me the ONE place that still allows him to play in Houston...and that he plays there every Friday night almost. The desire to just show up there one Friday night? Verrrrrrry tempting. Very!

I think this blog entry, the first one in over a week, is plenty long enough now. 

Oh, congratulations to the people of Libya...who have finally run that scumbag Moammar (one of about 25 various spellings of his name) Gadhafi out of power. Only took 6 months. Libyan oil is now back on the market...prices on oil and gas should go down even further now. And...once again, the Muslim Brotherhood is about to move into power in yet another Middle Eastern country, hidden under a veil presenting itself as a 'free, democratic' society. Uh huh. Right. What's worse? A ruthless, violent dictator like Gadhafi and Hussein who keeps their multi-factioned masses in check? Or the alternative? 

Either way...I'm not sure we will ever have what we can call 'ALLIES' in the Middle East. The one thing I think this WILL bring about, is a bonding of all those 'new' regimes to act in unison against Israel. I think Israel may be in for major trouble. I think this 'Arab Spring' is about to bring on some pretty life-altering, history-making moments in the next year or two. And next up? Syria. They are probably less than a month before over-throwing their asshole dictator.  Should be fun....


Monday, August 15, 2011

Hold the Prayers...Send Some Money!!!

Alright gang...enough (at least for a day or so) of the Chad Burns and Anthony Howe blog/Facebook wars...although they have been rather entertaining...I am coming at you today with a major, or rather, serious matter.

This kid (I am 44, I am now eligible to call guys in their 20's 'kid') is going through a really hellish experience right now. Do I know him? Nope. Have I met him? Negative. He lives up near Memphis. I don't even know if he plays poker. Irrelevant. He is a nice looking kid, has a nice looking girlfriend, and seems to come from a great family, judging by all the wall posts on his Facebook. While scrolling through status updates last month, I saw his story. It's pretty brutal.

Kid wakes up one day with a splitting headache. And is dizzy. Headaches get worse. Can't sleep. Can't concentrate on work. Goes days without sleeping. He had just started working for the Memphis Police Department...and the extent of his medical coverage was very limited, as are the resources of the department. While being diagnosed...he had a couple of misclicks by doctors, one that resulted in an operation on his ear that was costly, which he is still paying off. Nothing like getting a bill every month for something you didn't even need.

Well, the kid goes in for surgery in three days. What is wrong with him? Something I've never heard of...but a couple of friends of mine have. Apparently its excruciating to go through. Surgery is NOT optional. His brain is slowly slipping out the bottom of his skull. The condition is called Arnold Chiari Malformation. The surgery he is going in for will relieve the swelling on his brain, and if that doesn't solve the problem, which it is likely not to, there will be another very expensive procedure to follow.

His name is Jarred Lucius. He is 22 years old. I know there are a lot of people in the world who need help. I know a lot of people who are struggling. As a lot of you know...I have raised money and volunteered a lot in the past...its just kind of in my soul to try and help people if I have the chance to help them. I am struggling right now myself...but I know I can reach into my wallet and pull out a $20 at least! This young man has 20-30 posts on his Facebook wall everyday telling him they are praying for him. That's nice. But I think people tend to fall back on the 'we're praying for you' post as their way of convincing themselves they have done right by someone. The kid won't come out and say it...but I will, it's a cop out. Kind of like people who go to church because they spend all week sinning, and think all is forgotten if they just go to church that week. Okay...maybe that is a little extreme, but you get what I'm driving at, right?



Jarred has set up a PayPal account to try and raise money for his surgery, and for money to just survive on for the three months that he is physical therapy and rehab after the surgery. I think we can all sympathize with the nightmare of going through this right? What is worse than getting out of surgery, then being out of work for three months, and stressing out about how you are going to pay your bills, or even eat that week? Come on people! I know I have a lot of awesome people out there who read my blog. I am in no way affiliated with this cause...for you idiot haters who think I have some kind of financial interest in this. No, I just see a scary situation where a guy with a very bright future could really use some help...help that collectively won't cost anyone more than half a tank of over-priced gas!

I'm going to post his banner on the top of my blog and leave it there for the whole month. I'm also going to follow up with him and his girlfriend, to see how he is progressing after he has his first surgery. If you are on Facebook, feel free to hit him up on there, maybe you have access to something that may be of use to him. Anything we can do, I am sure he will appreciate. As for sending prayers? I think his prayer jar is full!

Thanks Everyone!


Sunday, August 14, 2011

OOOOPS! Topic just switched. We have a Monkey Assassin!!!!

Boy oh boy oh boy. Today's blog was going to be titled "Why Must All Club Bouncers Be Such Total Assholes?" And I will still probably touch on that...especially since I have some fun pictures to support the stories from last night. But hold the phone...after going on a food run for my delightful wife, I logged on to Facebook, and found a post from one of my friends on there asking me "who this guy is and what you did to piss him off?"

Huh? And I clicked on it. And what I saw was...well, not totally unexpected. I mentioned Anthony Howe's name on here a few weeks ago, and not in a bad way at all. 

[for those of you who do not read EVERY one of my blogs (what is WRONG with you!!!???) here, in its entirety, from the 7/23/2011 entry is EXACTLY what I wrote about this fella]

Lets move on. About four months ago I was 'friended' by a guy named Anthony Howe on Facebook. Since then, I have been entered into a group called by 'Poker's Elite Secret Society' by him. It seems like every day there are 10-15 messages coming my way from this cult. Some, I have heard of, others...nope. He has a blog...called Poker Talk Matters. I am absolutely flummoxed by this guy. I look up his stats on Cardplayer. Zilch. Yet he qualifies himself as a professional poker player who has been grinding for over ten years now. His wife even serves up a testimonial that he has 'paid his poker dues.' I asked where those dues are collected, how much they are, and if I can pay them myself to close the book on that irritating task?

Don't get me wrong. I am not here to bash Anthony. He has never said a bad word to or about me. I just don't get it. I couldn't be more confused. I've read his blog. Lets imagine you build spaceships for a living. And some guy asked you to join his group called "Shoot For the Stars...let me Show You How!" so you could learn about becoming an aeronautical engineer. You with me? And on the second entry...he talked about the times required to turn the rubberband to achieve liftoff? How would you react to that? Poker's Elite Secret Society? Is there a handshake? A password? Are there events where we show up in masks and the women get naked and eat food off of each other?

Say what you will about him and his....enterprise? A lot of people seem to be falling into his web. And he appears to branching out into other areas...including podcasts. It makes me wonder if I am missing the boat on how to make a buck in poker. Clearly, just showing up and taking a swing at multi-million dollar prize pools isn't paying off, or...from what I can see, necessary. This guy might just be a mad genius.

But he took it the wrong way. I then messaged him back what I meant, he said he misunderstood, I wished him well in his endeavors, he did the same...and that was the end of it. Or was it? Whooops, guess not. Now...the conspiracy theorist in me thinks this guy is pulling an angle shoot here. Trying to character snipe me, knowing I have a relatively huge following on my blog, despite NOT being a household name in the mainstream poker society. Hey...I'm not a big TV pro, and I know that. We all do. I take my little wins here and there, and make enough to pay the bills. Am I hungry for the big six-figure score that will allow me to step back away from my ridiculously busy travel schedule for tourneys? And to make some money (potentially) away from the felt? Hell yes I am. I think we ALL are. I've been close...numerous times, but the breaks just haven't gone my way at crunch time. Nothing you can do about that but deal with it without losing your mind.

Ah...but here comes Anthony, openly torching me on his blockbuster Blog called 'Poker Talk Matters.' Now...I kind of think, in the back of my mind that this guy is using me. Yep...using me. Taking an open shot at me to 'stir up the masses' and get them to his site. Why? No fucking clue. All I know is...three days ago, this guy pops up on Facebook, and asks me if he could get me to appear on his radio show...or podcast...or whatever it is. And, for the record, this is the FIRST time he has every asked me about this.

Granted, I have had a pretty shitty year thus far, and my confidence level on going on ANYTHING to talk about myself or my success is at an all-time low...so my ambivalence about doing something like a radio show is at an all-time high...unless they could tell me they were having me on for some reason that didn't necessarily pertain to poker and poker results. And the last thing I want to do is go sit and talk about hand play and shit like that.

So how did I respond? I simply told him I would give it some thought and get back to him. He gave me his number...and I promised to call him when I got a chance. Which I would. That was Thursday I think. Well...Friday was chock full of errands, and my wife is off on the weekends, and we have been going 99mph all weekend. So today, when I see him bashing me in this post, which incidentally he posted YESTERDAY....nice patience there Anthony, what? Two days of waiting was just too long???...I didn't exactly know how to respond. But I did anyway...on his comment space, which I suspect he will NEVER choose to publish (yes, on Blogger we have the option of approving and/or rejecting comments that come into us). Lets see if I am able to post his shit here....

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The guy they call "THE POKER MONKEY"

This post will be about something I usually never do, and that is talk smack about my fellow human beings. But in this post I consider this human being to be well, just an asshole in general. This guy Will Souther otherwise known as the "The Poker Monkey" has the gall to call me out as promoting that I am a professional poker player, Ha Ha....Let me show you his stats. This is courtesy of pokerpages.com: For this we will try the old click here method.
Now this is a guy who makes fun of somebody saying they are a professional poker player. It says in the bio above that he has been playing since 2003. Well let me tell all of you if this is all I have made in 8 years of playing poker "I WOULD QUIT".

Awhile back he did a post that involved subject matter that really was uncalled for. He involved in this post mentioning my wife, this is something that really pissed me off. This momma's boy talking smack about me and my wife. Now it don't bother me one bit for him to say his peace about anything he wants to say about me but involving my wife in his f**king blog? I only wish this wanna be momma's boy would meet me face to face and I will leave it at that "if you know what I mean".

Another thing about this guy is all he can seem to write about in his blog are irrelevant things and making fun of unfortunate people, seems to be a hobby of his, all he seems to do is find negative things to write about. Now I don't know about you people but negativity and making fun of people is not my cup of tea. I invited him on our radio broadcast and every time I asked him to come on as a guest he finds some kind of reason he can't make it, seems fishy huh? I thought so also.

Well Mr. mommas boy I issue this offer once again now that the public knows about it how can you turn it down now? Anyway the point to all this is if your gonna write something keep it wise, where you don't make fun of other people or involve their wives or family.

And another thing monkey if I could not beat you in poker I would give up on the game for life and that's a promise. You seem to think that a person has to be listed in a magazine or on the internet in order to be a professional. You are nothing but a piss pore excuse for a human being, I see you posing in pictures, craning your neck just to be seen in pictures with famous people. Why don't you do us all a favor and go blow your f**king brains out!!!

-There you go-


Okay, yes...it did post. Wonderful. I have to say, that picture sure does look a lot like me doesn't it? Pretty sure all of us online poker players have seen that stupid photo on at least 97 players' avatars, right? I can't help but point out the idiocy in some of his statements. I think my favorite is him calling me a 'Mamma's Boy' and in the very next paragraph following that up with calling me a 'Wanna-be Mamma's Boy!' First of all, I am not sure what a wanna-be mamma's boy would be, exactly. I mean...I would think you either ARE or you AREN'T, right? Do guys actually ASPIRE to be Mamma's Boys? Stupid. So...keeping you from the suspense, here was my response on his comment board to this, ahem...gentleman.

Nice post Anthony. Nice picture too. I struggle to find the similarity. This is the same Anthony, right? Who read my post about him, responded with a hurtful reply, heard my explanation...then said you understand? Involving your wife? Really? Seriously?Come on buddy. Your wife posted to EVERYONE that "Anthony has paid his poker dues, etc etc" and that we should ALL give him our respect and admiration like she does...and I simply replied, verbatim "Please tell me what the dues are and where I can go pay mine!???" That...sir, is called humor. How that would be considered offensive towards your wife...is beyond me. But okay, I'm a total asshole. But I'm going to go with....Anthony reaching...reacccccccchhhing big time.

My career winnings post? Well that is PokerPages. IF you look under CardPlayer they are a little more precise, and the number is closer to $545,000. Understand that ONLY includes tourneys that for the most part are OVER $200 and/or have more than 60 players. You have NO IDEA (nor do I without consulting with my ledger books) how many nightly tourneys and daily tourneys Ive cashed/won in 6 years. And I'm not sure where you are getting 'playing as a pro since 2003.' I didn't even START playing poker until late 2003, and quit my last job in 2005 to play full time.

Just three days ago...you popped up on my Facebook and asked me to appear on your radio show/podcast (not sure which it is) and I asked you for a few details. You left your phone number...told me to call you when I got a chance, I agreed to do so. I have had a very busy weekend with my wife..who is OFF on the weekends, and sorry, didn't have a chance to get back to you yet. SO, I guess that TOO makes me an asshole.

Craning my neck to get into photos with famous people? Huh? WTF are talking about? ONE example please? Just one....ONE...and I will take the grenade. And btw...what in your world constitutes 'famous' people? Just so you know...there is not ONE SINGLE poker player on the planet who I would ever approach as a 'fan.' Autographs? Pictures? Why? Sorry bud, I'm not your guy. That accusation is purely commical, and anyone who knows me (like you DON'T) who is reading this is laughing their asses off at you. I AVOID cameras. No idea what you are smoking to come up with some of these 'slams' Anthony.

I literally have NO IDEA who you are. If you walked by me, I would never recognize you. You are telling me to do us all a favor and blow my fucking brains out? Who (that is stable) says that? Other than Chad Burns? Who pretty much tells that to anyone who disagrees with him about anything. I hate to break it to you...but anyone that even resembles a rational thinking human who reads that on your blog is sure to dismiss you as a kook after reading THAT. Nice credibility builder there chief.

Mamma's Boy? Huh? How did I earn that label? Yeah, you apparently reallllllly have a deep understanding of how my life has progressed with my Mother and Father as figures in my life. No...no you don't. Who are you? I moved out...from MY MOM...when I was 16 because she went NUTS...and didn't talk to her...AT ALL for 8 years. We finally patched up our relationship, and now are very good friends, only recently. Mammas boy? Okay, good read. And hold on...am I Mamma's Boy? Or a Wanna-Be-Mamma's Boy? Make up your mind!

"All he seems to be able to blog about are irrelevant matters to poker." Yep. You are CORRECT SIR! You know why? Well, if I am getting 8000-10,000 hits a month, that alone should answer your question...but I will go ahead and share it with you...'guy who likes to discuss matters on his blog that we all were dealing with as players when we were about 3 months into our poker career'....NO ONE FUCKING CARES to sit down and read a poker players blog and listen to him blab on and on about POKER! Oh and criticizing me for 'making fun' of people on my blog? Guess what? In poker (look in mirror) there happens to be a LOT of people who give us shit to make fun of. And me, and a very large percentage of my peer group...like to focus on these things, and share them with each other? Why? I think because it helps us deal with the fucked up everyday mental stress of playing poker for a living.  But like that statement "after ten minutes at the table if you can't figure out who the fish is, you are the fish" you probably don't understand that line of thinking.

They read my blog because the shit I talk about it...is FUNNY! And intelligent, and topical, as it RELATES to poker. And the assclowns who trot out to 'try' and play our game. I don't discuss poker (very often) because poker talk? Is fucking B-O-R-I-N-G man!!! Poker talk matters? NO...it really, REALLY doesn't. It's the shit that makes R-E-A-L poker players want to fucking shoot themselves.

Mr Howe: I don't go around bragging about being a great player. Never have. Anyone who REALLY KNOWS ME..and doesn't just know OF ME knows that. Your attempts to use my image and my likeness to further yourself...which is, I'm pretty sure, what you are doing here..is a desperate cry for the spotlight. But what it is...and I'm sure will be crystal clear to everyone and everyone with a shred of common sense is truly pathetic, and between you and I? Just painful and sad.

I read this....and I'm not going to lie...it didn't even kickstart my mental gearshift into retaliatory mode. I just shook my head, and thought to myself..."Wow, this guy is disturbed, I feel sorry for the poor guy."

I have nothing derogatory to say about you. You are totally irrelevant in my world. Bashing you in return would do nothing to further my life, my career or my cause.

Take care and good luck in whatever the hell it is you are trying to accomplish.

Will 'Monkey' Souther

Okay...yeah, whatever. I guess I am no longer giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. It almost comes off as a sad attempt to 'challenge' me to come on his radio show, doesn't it? It's just confusing, as is he. Read his blog...do it, I 'challenge you' folks...I think you will come away from it asking yourself..."what the hell was that?" I know I did...as well as a few of my very articulate and intelligent fellow bloggers and poker player friends. If you do NOT have that reaction? Well, phewww...jeezus, I think its time for you to QUIT reading my blog!!!

Okay...I'm going to cover why bouncers are assholes and why new restaurants need to focus on providing good service when they are in the first couple months of business...yeah, our weekend experience...but for now, I am going to watch the Country Music awards with my wife, and enjoy a quiet Sunday night.

Bye Bye.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

I Have Found a Fun New Hobby!

Thank God. In this month of everything going wrong, I have finally found something that brings joy and excitement to my life. It's called Xtranormal. It's a website where you can make you're own movie, from animated characters. I spent the better part of an entire day dabbling on this site. Then I created a movie, based loosely on my summer experience at the World Series. I present for you...my very first production from 'Shock Monkey Productions.' Enjoy!

...here is another one that I found, similar in nature, but I like mine better...you be the judge.

I am currently working on my second production...which at this time is untitled, but a strong possibility is 'Purple vs Orange...for all the Marbles!!' Or...'The Monkey takes on the Troll.' See, there is this little Orange Asshole over in Spring, Texas...which is Houston's red-headed stepchild...who, despite not BEING a Facebook friend of mine (no, the seas have not yet parted) still likes to spend an inordinate amount of time cruising my wall to see where he can inject his venomous comments. I haven't taken the time to set my privacy settings to 'only allow friends to post on my wall' so for that reason, ANYONE...even an Oompa Loompa, can post comments, either nice...or evil, on my wall.

I don't feel that depriving EVERYONE from posting on my wall is very nice...on account of just one SuperAsshole...so I will just leave it as is. And after all, every time Chad 'Monty' Burns starts up one of his 'You're a 44 yr old faggot! You have a backer you SUCK! You should just kill yourself! I hope you get cancer! You're a parasite' rants (yes, his stage material is very, very unoriginal, lacks creative flair, and never seems to improve) he always seems to spark up a prairie fire from my fellow Facebook friends...every thread becomes somewhere between 50 and 100 comments long...and most are usually 'Monty' taking on every single one of them. 

Matter of fact, I woke up two days ago...to find a thread that was already 28 comments long...that I hadn't even COMMENTED on...but he had left some disparaging remark directed at one of the people who had left me a nice comment...and it just took off from there. Several people often ask "dude, Monkey? Is this guy for real? Seriously? Or is this just an act? It has to be right?"

I am sorry to say...that no. Chad Burns really is a live human being. He really is an asshole loser. He really does feature a whole photo collection of pictures of himself, taken by...you guessed it, himself. 

He honestly features photos of money...yeah...dolla dolla dolla bills y'all. 

And his amazing golf clubs. 

And cars...not his cars...OTHER people's cars. Cars he wishes he owned. And other folks' homes. Yah...kind of stalker'ish...but he's really just wishing he owned one, instead of renting a room from a local. Pretty sure he is on about his 5th room rental this calender year. Now he has taken to firing off 'C-word' blasts at one of my wife's best friends, when she merely chimed in about an episode of 'Family Guy.' Boy...what was SHE thinking?

In a sick, perverse way, I kind of find his wall assassination attempts to be kind of enjoyable. Because...honestly, its been a pretty depressing summer. After doing my spreadsheet (finally) for my backer, I was able to pull my head out of the dirt and see exactly where we ended up for the summer. Ugh. Then the 4Runner is on Day 14 of "4Runner Held Hostage" in Pensacola...and either me or the Safelite Auto Glass idiots are about to have to pony up $4k for the repairs to my car. It has entered the 'shouting at each other over the phone' phase with 'taking your ass to court' being the central theme. My trip to Seattle to see family had to be cancelled due to a lack of disposable funds. Its hot...every day...oh so hot...and it just won't stop raining. Meanwhile, Texas (I still hate you Texas) and New Mexico have turned into the Mojave, with cows turning into stray cats. Can we not send some of these rainstorms to those poor bastards?

Where are the hurricanes? The Gulf right now is about 90 friggin degrees. A hurricane's fantasy. I'm not going to lie...I would take a little excitement in my life right now, and a hurricane is perfect. 

Plus, I spent $85 before I left for Vegas getting my generator tuned up. I pulled the cord and fired that sucker up yesterday, just to make sure...as I pushed that damn mower around my yard again, dropping the deck yet another inch...which translates to an extra gallon of sweat, 22% more pain in my neck, arms and shoulders...and one more step closer to a heat stroke. Fortunately, I did one thing this week I have been putting off for months, years even. I ordered Life Insurance for the missus and I. I won't say for how much...since I don't want any 'Kill Monkey' conspirators lurking around out there.  Let's just say its for more than $1,000 but less than a $1m...so if you are thinking of offing me and pursuing Squirrel, it's probably not worth it.

My fantasy football leagues are nearly full. I have only 3 openings in each $100 league...and 4 openings in my $300 league. My Seahawks kick off the Preseason tomorrow night...or wait...TONIGHT! They take on San Diego. I know I know...its Preseason...but for awhile there it was looking like the season might not even happen, so I am pretty psyched.  What is really...and I mean...REALLY...screwed up are my pools. For over ten years now I  have been using Office Football Pool, the website. Well, he has gone all paranoia on us...and anyone he KNOWS that is offering pool action for money...and not just 'entertainment purposes' is getting the axe by his website. Now, how he expects to make any money is beyond me. But I am one that has gotten whacked. So, thinking I would be clever, I started a whole new user profile, and tried that slick move. Bzzzzzzz....he caught me. So I am now up to Plan C. With time running out quickly. I am close to just saying screw it. But hell...I am the damn POOL MONKEY...I can't just let this guy force me to quit, can I? What the hell!!!!???

My computer did one of those restarts in the middle of the night, and did a whole bunch of computer updates...and now my FireFox browser appears to be back in perfect harmony with the Blogger software. Computers, man. WTF!???

Ever wonder what exactly is going on in this country as far as the money situation goes? Doubtful. No one seems to know, or care. They just like to bitch. Well...here are two very exceptional explanations. If you don't find these interesting and/or helpful...well, then you are just a complete assclown, and should stop reading my blog, forever!!!!

George Carlin is dead...but before he left us, he gave us this beauty.
I hope you can see that okay. If not, right click on it, and save it to your desktop, then blow it up as big as you can/want/need to.

Now in this Xtranormal clip...this guy who made this, absolutely SMASHES the nail on the head...I have watched a TON of documentaries on what exactly happened back in 2008, with the banks all requiring a bail out, and the housing market getting turned on its head. And the American taxpayers getting...to put it mildly...totally fucked in the ass.

Here...for a simple breakdown, and explanation...is a smart ass cartoon character:

This has been a hell of a week on the stock market. Last Friday, lose 500 pts. Open Monday, lose 600 pts. Tuesday gain 500 pts. Wednesday, lose 400 pts. Today...up a little. Gold...just keeps climbing. Though its down a bit today. Oil? Good gawd. That's my baby. I took one on the chin Wednesday and Thursday, for a lot...but got smart and dumped all my holdings before Friday and avoided huge losses. Was going to buy it back Monday morning...until at 5am I jumped into the Japan market report and noticed they were getting annihilated in early trading...which usually means our market is also going to get throttled, so I decided to hold off. Good idea. Everyone is all fired up about buying gold. Yeah yeah...I see the stupid ass commercials on TV...scrap gold...buy it, buy it now. I know our buddy Oren is now into that line of work. So I get it.

But everything has a ceiling. There is only SO MUCH gold in existence, unless this place in Russia actually exists, where they claim there is enough gold to match the worlds current supply...then you can watch as gold plummets to about $300 an ounce...where it was about 5 years ago if memory serves me correctly. But to be trading at $1750 an ounce right now? That just seems insane. Sure..insane...until our Federal Reserve goes under, and the dollar is declared worthless, then I will be figuring out ways to kill myself for not jumping on the gold bandwagon when I had the chance.

How did I get off on this tangent? NO clue. And YouTube still hasn't published/uploaded my original masterpiece yet...so I can't even stop writing and publish this.

Back to fantasy football. I discovered a new show the other night. Yeah, well..my nights have pretty much consisted of falling asleep as soon as Squirrel leaves for work, waking up around 11pm...she comes home at 1am...gets on her Facebook for about two hours, takes a bath, plays spades...and turns off the TV about 3am...and is gone. Then I entertain myself til about 7am, when I finally get tired...and sleep til 2 or 3pm. Nice ritual. Well, I discovered a show...its called 'The League' and it airs on FX. Its now two seasons in...with 6 episodes in 2009, and about 22 last year. And it got renewed for this season. It is absolutely hilarious. WATCH THIS SHIT if you are into Fantasy Football..or even if you think Fantasy Football is a joke. It's funny either way.

Ahhhh...it appears as though our POLL...which by the way is getting more and more popular as we go, has closed. This vote was a very, very close one. The person you all would LEAST like to be....and winning by a very SLIM margin, is Casey Anthony. Can't disagree with that one. But coming in second...in a TIE...was Chad Burns and Mike Vick's future pet dog. Understandable...yep. I must now come up with yet another exciting poll question. Give me a day or so...I'll see what I can muster up.

Here it is August 11th, and I do not appear to be in South Florida playing the WPT satellite event, nor am I in Elizabeth, IN playing in THAT WPT satellite event at Hollywood casino. Two reasons: I do not have my car! Allie Prescott still has not secured an apartment in South Florida, which translates to 'cheap accommodations' for Senor Monkey. Next to ponder: Stay home and play (assuming I am permitted) the Gulf Coast Poker Championship...which I fared quite handsomely in last year...or skip on over to Win-Star casino and play 'The River'...a weeklong event now. Then right after that, they have the WSOP circuit event...a first-time deal at the Horseshoe in Bossier City, which I am told is very close to Shreveport. I am also told to expect a gigantic donktard-fest. Oh, and that they are playing...ahem, on the ROOF...in a huge tent. Ummmm.....interesting.

Well, competing with all that is going to be tough. The gem on my dashboard is the next Borgata open. That occurs, I believe...in the middle of September. Hell, I might just hold out til then. Ya never know. Not playing poker at all has been pretty spectacular. I did, however, climb back on Felt Stars the other night...and as most online poker sessions have ever gone in my life...it too went bad. Started great, ended badly, at the hands of a complete jackass. Whoaaaaaa shockerrrrrr!!!!

I went 'App' shopping last night. Wow...did I find some awesome shit. First of all, if you travel a lot...which I do, and find yourself going to places where you know NOTHING about the area...I give you 'TripAdvisor' which I think was free. Maybe .99c, big whoop. Type in a town...ANY town and it gives you everything to do there, where to stay, what to see, where to eat. It's great.

Downloaded this thing called 'The Daily' which is incredible. News, entertainment, sports...it was free but found it is subscription based, like 99 Cents a week. Its worth it. Great pictures, great stories...really nice content.

Downloaded ABC TV 'Player' which basically allows you to play a TON of their shows that first appear on the network, for free. Can't beat 'free.' In my world, I am looking for stuff that while sitting through the boring early stages of a tourney...or cash game (even better) I can watch and stimulate  my mind...because God knows I'm not being stimulated by most of my table mates!

I even downloaded the Bible. Yeah, you heard me. It gives you two different versions you can read, The King James Version and the American Standard Version. It's called 'Olive Tree Bible Reader.'

Like cooking? Jamie Oliver has a pretty cool App where you can learn a whole shit-load of recipes. Granted, he only gives you a small collection of 'freebies' then you pay .99c per recipe...though you can see what it is at least. I think maybe a lot of people might find $.99 a good price to pay to keep their man happy (hi sweetie!!!!)

Downloaded the Fox News App...which is pretty sweet. And about 5 or 6 new games. Yes...I am getting my iPad fully 'loaded' for my Fall Assault on the Poker World. Got my BOSE headphones swapped out three weeks ago for some that don't have a short in them. I am gearing up.

I am ending this now. Mainly because my back hurts. Also because my laptop is about to die.