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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Home From Vegas...Winehouse 86'd...Icehouse anyone?

So, I finally managed to pull myself off the bed after being home for three days...or was it two? Who's counting. Went to return my overdue RedBox movies...then get a new mouse to replace my jumpity, sketched out current clicker...and find a new battery for the garage door opener. Yeah, got home and the garage door wouldn't open! Hmmm...wassup!??? Nothing. Just a dead battery.

So I walk in the house, bust out the mouse, load it with batteries, fire up the computer...and voila! I see the news. Amy Winehouse is dead. No! No way! I don't believe it. Sure! And men really walked on the moon. Christopher Columbus really discovered America. I call bullshit. No way in hell that wonderful health nut could be dead. Mistaken identity? British media sensationalism? I mean, we all know that Ruppert and his cast of miscreants are under fire for journalistic malfeasance (is that too many big words for you clowns in one sentence? Raise your hand if the answer is ABSOLUTELY!) this month...so is it possible that this is just a smoke screen to escape all the scrutiny of tapping phones?

I'm sorry, but until I see an actual photo of the pop princess laying in the morgue, I will not be able to accept that she has passed on to another place. Let's do a little photographic timeline of the musical goddess. Shall we?


Not bad, right? Pretty eyes. Long, flowing black hair. Obviously picked up the fun bags at a very inexpensive plastic surgeons sample sale, and that's too bad, and not sure who Blake is, or how he warrants a tatto'd 'pocket' above her left mammary...but hey, whatever.

Oh boy. What happened? Someone appears to be hiding from the sun, visiting the Tattoo Parlour (a LOT!) and missing several meals. The style of dress is also starting to leave a little to be desired. Not going to be finding this on too many COSMO covers anytime soon, are we?

Oh, for the love of Nancy Kerrigan! Is it me? Or does she appear to be crying out "Whhhyyyyyy!!!???" I think we are all asking the same question. What happened to those fake titties? Someone drain them? Like a lake in Africa...they just dried up! Yeah...that was one slippery slope indeed!



And in one final farewell to Amy...we check out her final appearance on stage, where she was booed off of it, in Belgrade, where...if you can't impress the locals, you are REALLY doing something wrong!

I would say it's sad, but lets be real...I think the amazing thing is that she made it THIS long. I personally made her my number draft pick in the annual 'Dead Pool' four years in a row, twice giving up my #2 pick to move up in order to take her. I knew the potential was there, but she just seemed to be a bust every year. She has finally redeemed herself. And for anyone about to leave a message calling me 'insensitive???' Please save it! Her own parents predicted she wouldn't make 30 and pretty much washed their hands of her years ago. So don't think they are all huddled around the living room right now shedding tears.

Lets move on. About four months ago I was 'friended' by a guy named Anthony Howe on Facebook. Since then, I have been entered into a group called by 'Poker's Elite Secret Society' by him. It seems like every day there are 10-15 messages coming my way from this cult. Some, I have heard of, others...nope. He has a blog...called Poker Talk Matters. I am absolutely flummoxed by this guy. I look up his stats on Cardplayer. Zilch. Yet he qualifies himself as a professional poker player who has been grinding for over ten years now. His wife even serves up a testimonial that he has 'paid his poker dues.' I asked where those dues are collected, how much they are, and if I can pay them myself to close the book on that irritating task?

Don't get me wrong. I am not here to bash Anthony. He has never said a bad word to or about me. I just don't get it. I couldn't be more confused. I've read his blog. Lets imagine you build spaceships for a living. And some guy asked you to join his group called "Shoot For the Stars...let me Show You How!" so you could learn about becoming an aeronautical engineer. You with me? And on the second entry...he talked about the times required to turn the rubberband to achieve liftoff? How would you react to that? Poker's Elite Secret Society? Is there a handshake? A password? Are there events where we show up in masks and the women get naked and eat food off of each other?

Say what you will about him and his....enterprise? A lot of people seem to be falling into his web. And he appears to branching out into other areas...including podcasts. It makes me wonder if I am missing the boat on how to make a buck in poker. Clearly, just showing up and taking a swing at multi-million dollar prize pools isn't paying off, or...from what I can see, necessary. This guy might just be a mad genius.

The yard here at Monkey Central looks like a jungle. Why? Well, it didn't rain for about 37 days in a row when I was here. Now it's rained like 15 days in a row. About the same number of days my Dad has been out of the Big House. Also the same number of days since my Seattle Mariners won a baseball game. I hate to suggest that my father return to prison so the M's can win another baseball game...but what the hell? From .500 and 1.5 games out of first to 12 games out!!?? And this yard? $30 to call a band of illegal aliens to do it? Or watch me walk out into the 95 degree 80% humidity and stroke out??? Squirrel keeps hinting about the yard needing cut. "I thought you might like something to do!"

Yeah. I would. However, death wasn't on my agenda. Wondering if she secretly took out a life insurance policy on me while I was in Vegas. Anyone over the age of 40 tried mowing the lawn in South Mississippi in the dead of summer? After a summer of sitting in air conditioned casinos in Vegas? I feel a heart attack coming on just thinking about it.

The NFL owners are pulling one of the biggest 'quickies' I've ever seen. Anyone really following this? Or just reading the scrolling headlines like all the owners hope you are?

The only thing missing from this picture is a big crown. Or maybe devil horns.
Well, Roger Goodell has likely pulled one of the greatest PR gaffes of all time. Knowing the season is on the front doorstep, and that no one can afford a work stoppage, they have pulled one of the most incredible moves of all time. Him and the owners went in...worked on a deal they could all be happy with...then went ahead and voted on it. Oh...all except for the Raiders (because, well..they are the Raiders) agreed to it...so POW! It's a deal! Well, once, of course, the players sign off on it! As if that was a forgone conclusion.

Now, depending upon your point of view...this is either awesome, or super fucked up. Do I think the players make too much money? No. I don't. I think basketball players make too much. And hockey players. And thats based on the amount of money generated by the gate and TV...which in both, in no way constitutes the salaries being paid. But football? It's a very short career. They are, without a doubt...the best at what they do. The stadiums are always close to sold out. The networks always get the highest ratings. And these guy literally destroy their bodies, in the pursuit of greatness and short-lived riches.

They are obviously not very smart either. For starters, their leader, DeMaurice Smith...has done very little to further their cause. But to let the owners just parade around like they have solved the issues, agreed to a deal, and are just waiting on the players to agree themselves? Without saying a word? Its like...the owners just made DeMaurice their bitch. See...if the players say FORGET IT...then they fall into the trap laid by the owners...where they look like the good guys, who tried to get a deal done....and the players are just greedy and spoiled and uncooperative. Nearly every issue on the table has either been ignored or put off in this new 'deal' orchestrated by the owners. All it is, is an attempt to get the players to camp, and get the turnstiles turning by September...which of course, I am all in favor of. And most of us are too, I'm guessing.

But as a guy who pulls for the underdog? I hate to see what is happening, because the players are literally getting hosed by a bunch of rich assholes with better lawyers, better PR firms behind them, and who can use other sneaky, dirty tactics to force them back. I just wonder...with their 'deadline' for acceptance looming, is DeMaurice going to finally step up and do what the players hired him to do? Or is he going to 'puss out' and let the owners win the battle without a single shot being fired? Should be interesting.

Casey Anthony is out of jail and living God Knows Where. I wonder how long it took her to have sex. And was it with a guy? Maybe a threesome? Monkey's need to know these things.

Yes, my dogs were happy to see me when I got home. In fact, they haven't left my side since I walked in the door. Several people have been asking me if I am coming up to Goldstrike to play in the WPO up there...which started yesterday, and drew well for their first event. It is awfully tempting. But what isn't is looking at the faces of my dogs and thinking about leaving them again. Or packing...after just UNPACKING. Or driving, after having JUST driven 1900+ miles to get home. Or leaving Squirrel, who I am almost positive would freak out if I even mentioned it. All the errands that piled up while I was gone...they need to be addressed. Plus there is a $50k Guaranteed tourney in Pensacola next Saturday. Now...it has a $700 buy in...so why do they even try to entice us with the 50k G banner? How stupid.

One thing that has me chomping at the bit however? Once you sit with the best players in the world for 7 weeks...and yes that includes all the crazy, maniacal Euros...then go to a place like Tunica...winning a tourney up there seems like child's play. Or does it? Yeah! Its kind of a double edged sword. Those cotton-farming, catfishin rednecks still insist that getting it in with 3-8 suited or 59 off suit is a good play...so when your AA goes down in flames to Farmer Fred and his two pair and you are looking for a mosquito to bite you and give you Mississippi Malaria...don't come crying to me about it. It happens up there. A lot!

Hold still you son of a bitch! What were you thinking anyway? Playing AA in Tunica!!! I got something for you, assclown!!!!

So anyone wanting to know about the journey home? It was rather uneventful. Kai got tired in a place outside of Albuquerque...we stopped so he could sleep in the parking lot. At a casino called Route 66. I played 2-6 spread limit with a bunch of whackos...one who, despite having a woman's name was the most masculine fella at the table, and bragged that her father was a one-time WSOP champion. He obviously forgot to pass down his amazing skills to her...him? I won $19. Meanwhile, Kyle was busy playing Bonus Hold Em..in for $400...out for $1550. Nice session. He bought dinner later on...at a place called, ahem...'Restaurant' in a place called Santa Rosa, NM.

Outside of this place...there were bird nests...everywhere. It was very Alfred Hitchock'ish. But the liver and onions that Kai and I both had was wonderful.

Dammit it Mom....feed us BITCH! And so she would....swoopin in with a mouthful of regurgitated worms...to their waiting mouths. Yes...the brush with nature was, um...lovely.

'Scuse me you two...but seriously? Once you barely fit in the nest still, don't you think maybe that it's time to get your ass out of the nest? Come on...beat it!

Who hasn't been known to get their kicks on Route 66 at least once or twice in their life? Me and Allie Prescott managed to experience ours. Wheeeeee!!!!

Proof that the American Dream is still alive and well...no idea where this was. But my insides ache for that scooter.

While filling up for gas....in....who knows...we see this amazing ensemble. The woman is easily 55+. But you wouldn't know it by the sex appeal she is throwing off!


After an authentic Mexican food experience in Hobbs, NM...the boys stand outside in the 104 degree 'dry' heat to...well, I don't know...look very 'Reservoir Dogs'ish' IMO.

About half way through Texas...I get to look at this in my mirror for about 15 minutes.

Followed by getting to look at THIS! I now hate Texas....bad.
 Yeah...we pretty much just did a lot of driving, stopping so Allie and his bird-like bladder could relieve itself, and filling up with gas and food occasionally. Thankfully Kai and his legendary Jetta had no 'flair ups' in the maintenance department. Allie and Kyle were locked up in 'song games' then graduated to 'Hanging With Friends' the latest word game from Zynga. So of course...we got to hear about all the words that aren't really words that Kyle kept stumping Allie with. Allie also stole my big metal spoon. I will be sending him a bill for that. Once we got to Dallas, they veered left for Memphis...and we veered right for Biloxi.

But before that took place...we both got pulled over by two of Texas' finest. Pfft. Finest. Yeah..if being a big, old, fat, ignorant redneck is fine...they were hella-fine! Thing about Texas...if you have ever driven through it...you realize that until you get to Dallas...there really isn't ANYTHING worth noting, unless you're big into oil wells and tumbleweeds. So...with a speed limit of 75 the last time I checked...with it dipping to 65 and or 70 at times...I felt like 75 was a good speed to set the cruise control on.

So when we were cruising along, and I see a cop off of the exit and passing a gas station, I made no attempt to slow down, figuring I was fine. Nope. Cop lights go on...and he came after me. Tells me I was going 83. Hell no, wrong. I gotchu on radar. Oh... from 80 yards away, going in the opposite direction? Yeeeep. The 'ol "my word against your word, I WIN" form of justice. Then tells me the speed limit is 60. What? Yeah...its night time, and you are in a city zone. WTF? Another fucking Texas Highway loophole. When you are in the jurisdiction of a city/town/shithole...they lower the speed limit from 65 to 60...and thats at NIGHT. In the daytime it goes 75 to 70. Lets see...lets just confuse the fuck out of everyone...then drill 'em with a ticket. And since they live outa state...they will never show up to fight it!

So this piece of shit gives me a ticket for going 83 in a 60. Despite the fact I was going 75. Again...my word against his. And his radar! What a racket! How much is my ticket? $208! I will be writing a letter to that judge. And quite possible never paying that ticket. Fuck you Texas!

So what happens 30 miles later? While texting to Kai that (guess what!!???) Allie and Kyle just got pulled over, in almost the same identical fashion...as they were now 25 miles ahead of us...I hit an interstate alligator! Holy!!!! !@*(#Y@*(. What the hell was that??? And right on my tail...I see Kai's car swerve and swear I can hear an Ed Helms-like (Dr. Faggot in The Hangover) squeal coming from the inside of Kai's car! I had, it turns out...put the finishing kill shot on an 18-wheeler's dying tire. To my shock, I incurred no damage to my 4Runner. Incredible. We met up with Allie and Kyle at Whattaburger on exit 'who cares' to hear their sordid tale of Kyle ending up in the back of a police car...due to not having any proof of insurance, and looking like (take your pick) a drug dealer, serial killer, terrorist, arsonist....eventually, the cop was unable to find any good reason to hold him after the interrogation ended...and he was released, with a brand new speeding ticket. 

I hate Texas. I mean...how broke is that state that this is what they resort to? Its midnight...on a friggin Wednesday...there are NO CARS on the interstate at all...and they are cracking down on people going what? 5-10 mph over the limit? Give me a break. We pay almost $4 a gallon for gas...we should be allowed to go as fast as we want, within reason! I hope the Longhorns, the Aggies, the Red Raiders, the Mustangs, and the Horned Frogs all go winless in football this season...and that the whole state gets hit by a category 15 hurricane!!!! Which for you farmers with cattle wouldn't be a bad thing...I know you need the rain. I saw all your skinny cows that looked more like deer than cows!

Oh for the love of God...Squirrel is back in here hounding me again about the lawn. I am now almost positive she has taken out a life insurance policy on me. I am going to a place where I am almost assured of NOT stroking out...the movie theater...to see 'Captain America!' I enjoy watching Nazi's get killed.

Thanks for stopping by....

Monkey

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ok I'm shedding a tear for Amy. For all you neanderthals, addiction is a disease no different than cancer. Where were your taunts when we watched Mickey mantle waste away with hep C and liver cancer, did Walter Payton deserve to shrivel up and die? Len bias, Jimmy Hendrix, my friend Timmy o'conner, and a million other poor pathetic souls who lost the fight...
" I don't ever want to drink again
I just ohh I just need a friend
I'm gonna spend 10 weeks
Have everyone think I'm on the mend... ". Lyric from rehab. Lk new orleans

Anthony Howe said...

Will, I have never been in card player you are exactly correct in this matter. I have been a cash game grinder for more years than I can really count. I am not a "quote" tournament player. You have played at the same table as me several times. I am not sure what you have against me or mentioning my wife which I think is pretty sorry of you to do so, she is a very sweet person.I am not in the game to gain fame like some of you guys are. Sure it would be nice but I make a great living playing live action. I do not for the life of me know how you have never heard of me. I am very well known in Tunica and for that matter MS. in general. I entered you in Pokers Elite Secret Society because I thought you might like to be in with a lot of people you know. Your right I have never said a bad word about you and I will not start now. I enjoy writing my blog and get no compensation in doing so. So there you go, Anthony.