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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Goodbye to 2012!!! And a Look at Sandy Hook...

It's true. I've been gone awhile. In fact, in three years, I don't think I've ever blogged this few of times. Few of? Or just few? See how rusty I am? Do I have a good reason for it? I think so. It's, I'd say...a combination of factors. One of them is fatherhood. I kind of have a team deal in place with Squirrel. When I'm home...she works, and I play Mr. Mom. My poker trips have been drastically reduced because of Carley, and that is just fine. Because frankly, I'm as burnt out on the whole poker 'thing' in general. The travel. The long hours. The disappointing late bust outs. The inane and boring conversations overheard by a majority of the players. The politics. The constantly changing rules. The make-up-the-policies as they go style of management. And most importantly...just being away from my family.

On top of this...I just don't have the desire to sit down and write like I did. I credit a lot of that with just being tired all the time. Being a 'Mom' is hard work! When she is awake...I spend most of my time watching her every move. She's crawling, almost walking and wants to get into EVERYTHING! And her favorite place to cause havoc is on my computer keyboard. So my times to sit and write have been greatly reduced. When she finally lays down to take a nap or sleep for the night...I find myself joining her a lot of the time. This might be the first time I will ever utter this phrase: "I took a two week poker trip to catch up on my sleep and get all the stuff on my 'to do' list knocked out!"

When I do pick a trip to go on...it just underscores the importance of staying focused, and playing well...and hopefully, bringing home significantly more than I left home with. Poker isn't a party anymore. I'm not on the road looking for people to 'hang with.' I find myself, more and more...being a bit of a loner when I'm away on a trip. I don't seek out people to talk to. I hide on breaks. I usually dodge everyone in social opportunities and scram to my room. A lot of people would find this type of talk to be warning signs of depression. I suppose it could be looked at that way, maybe. Or it could just be that I now look at poker as one thing and one thing only...a way to make a living without having to go grind out a 9-5 job that makes me depressed FOR SURE and/or want to kill myself. 

I've pretty much had this attitude all year. Which, when I go on a trip...and run into people who INSIST that I am a 'problem' and that I'm 'that guy' who pretty much disappeared from the poker landscape 2 or 3 years ago...I just find myself feeling that incredulous feeling that you get when you don't know what else you have to do to change people's perception of you. I swear to god...there are times when I think the only way I can dodge people's preconceptions about me, is to go in disguise, I'm talking, full-on Hollywood makeup artist type disguise. I mean, I quit using my trademark monkey on the table...as a start. It has helped a little bit, I think. Anything to remove the once painted-on-target that I never thought I wanted off of me. 

When it came to deciding my next place to play, I had a few hurdles to leap over first. I will tell you...any place I'm not allowed to play, I wrote some very pride-swallowing letters to them in the past 30 days. I am disappointed that I have not heard back from ANY of them. Even a letter telling me I'm not getting back in would be better than hearing NOTHING.  Well, I had one person I had to get a 'green light' from before I could play at Choctaw and Palm Beach for those two WSOP circuit events. Why can I play those? Because they aren't Caesar's-owned properties. Regardless, the fellow who will be running them is still a loyal WSOP rep, and if he wanted to, could probably wield a sword of denial...and there were some rumors that this was going to happen. So I reached out to him...and finally, I heard back from him...and he gave me his blessing to attend both events...with the standard warning. You know the one...."if anything happens yada yada yada...." yeah I know the rest. So to Choctaw I will go. For that event...which promises to be really well-attended. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of psyched. Some might think I'd rather stay at home and play the event at the Beau Rivage. Well...it would be more convenient. But I've been wanting to play in Oklahoma, at either Choctaw or WinStar for many years now.  So...this will be my first shot at it. And I've had a whole month off from poker to get a little bit of that fire back in my gut.

It's been a strange year. I keep thinking about 2012 and can't decide whether to call it a great year, a good year, a lousy year or a horrendous year. Well...God brought us the greatest present I think I will ever receive in my life in the gift that was Carley Grace...and she has proven to be the most amazing little thing I could have ever dreamed she would be. She is growing up SO fast its scary. I love her so much...more and more every day. And she clings to me like a koala. Her smile just fills my soul with joy. I can be having the WORST day imaginable, and when I go to sleep, and wake up...and she is sitting there in her little perfectly upright position...and is looking at me with her big blue eyes and has that gigantic grin on her face...the world just seems perfect. Totally perfect. If you are a parent, you GET it. If not...you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself, "Okay, Monkey...jeezuz I didn't come here to read your mushy baby rants...get on with the good stuff, already!"  Tell me I'm wrong!

So in summation...I have a lot to look back on 2012 and feel good about. I made some really good new friends. I found out who I thought were a few friends...really weren't, and that clarity really actually helped me. It's always good to know who your REAL and TRUE friends are. And to know who the Judases are in your life. I had a 'decent' year in poker, that could have obviously been better, but sure could have been worse. I had a nice little run this summer at the WSOP, that ended in obvious disappointment...but it was an overall positive experience. The setback I experienced in Hammond, while I know I did nothing wrong, inappropriate or anything...truly was a setback, and one that I hope can be overturned, or simply, I don't know...fixed somehow. A lot of great people signed my petition and left comments...and I would hope that they would assist in the right person getting all that information and making a decision about it where, well....common sense is used as the deciding factor. Common sense and a total lack of evidence of any wrongdoing. There are some things I CAN control, and some things where...well...I'm at the mercy of others. It sucks. But being me isn't an easy gig.

My health really improved in 2012. My family grew even closer with the introduction of Carley into our lives...and it is such a pleasure to be around them all now with her in tow. Christmas...and all the holidays to come...have taken on new significance for me and Squirrel now. Being Santa this year was fun...but lets face it...she is still too young to really understand or appreciate it, so next year will really be a blast. Easter...that'll be fun. Halloween...can't wait. Financially, it was a rough year. My investments and side business both took a pretty bad hit this year...which puts a lot of pressure on my poker trips, especially the next two or three of them. On the bright side...not totally sure how it works...have to check with my accountant...but I think having Carley should help us on our taxes this year! Maybe even get a respectable return! Hell, I might actually NOT file an extension for the first time in several years!

I was all set to sit down and write about a week or so ago...right after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary. I had a lot to say. My knee jerk reaction was posting something on Facebook that day about something needing to happen to get all the guns out of circulation. Well, that wasn't the brightest move. First of all...there are two different kinds of people in this country. Those with guns (Southerners mostly) and those withOUT guns (mostly Northerners) and as a Northerner, living in the South for the past 20 years...its not really a debate that I'm prepared to have.

I can't tell you how many online debates I've participated in this month over this topic. For almost a week, it was all I thought about. Those kids. That sick kid, who seems to have been severely mentally impaired...and what could have been going through his mind. The parents...of those children, who had to wake up and look at empty beds. I would like to think it would have affected me just as much if I hadn't just become a father...but in truth, I'm sure that made it that much worse. I don't know what the hell is happening to our society. I knew when I got Cheryl pregnant last year...that I was gambling on bringing a child into what I now consider to be a cruel and evil world. Led by leaders who lie to their own people, and a society that seemingly preys on the weak. 

The past week or so, I've been kind of observing from the background....as there are gun control debates raging, along with this 'fiscal cliff' fiasco threatening to derail our entire economy. Then there are the conspiracy theorists, who have some very intriguing things to say. And to which, I admit...I would also like to hear some answers to some pretty important questions. A top ranking SEAL commander was found dead of a shotgun blast, in an 'apparent suicide.' This on the heels of two of our military's top generals being relieved of duty...as a result of their actions in the Benghazi affair, when it was learned that they either refused the White House's orders to stand down, or had made plans to send in help.  These were some of the TOP military commanders, most respected throughout the armed forces, and were thought to oppose Obama and his policies. There are rumblings that Obama fears a military coup...and that the only way to prevent this is to undermine the strength of the military, and lessen that possibility, but cutting loose numerous leaders. And then this SEAL commander just all of a sudden kills himself in Afghanistan? Its all just a tad bit creepy.

I mean, military coups are something reserved for other society's right? Not here in the USA. No way...250 years as a nation, and we've never had anything resembling that. That kind of talk is just crazy, right? 

Okay...can someone answer this question? Why did Homeland Security, in November, purchase 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition? Let me put that into perspective for you. It's enough ammo to keep all four branches of the military in bullets for 20 years. It's enough to fill enough 18-wheelers to line then up head to toe in a line that would extend for 14 miles. No bullshit. Who are they stocking up against? Canada? Mexico? I'm perplexed. 

Here is a VERY, VERY eye-opening article that a friend sent me, and this was AFTER he read my blog post. I'm just going in and adding it. To make things more interesting...I spoke to a family member on Cheryl's side, while home for Christmas, who is a commander in the National Guard, and who just returned from Afghanistan. I picked his brain about a lot of this...and when telling him about the massive ammo purchase, he looked noticeably shaken. But responded by saying "there is a possibility with all the budget cuts, that they are buying what they can before the money runs out." Sure, okay...maybe that's possible. But I wasn't sure he was convinced himself of that argument. READ THIS!

 http://liberty.com/content/its-obvious-they-want-civil-war



Is there a connection to the mass shootings at Sandy Hook and the big anti-gun hearings that were scheduled to take place at the United Nations just a week after the shootings? Remember, on the news...the pursuit of the man wearing camouflage pants into the woods behind the school? Who was arrested by 3 cops? Who was that? Why did we never hear another word about that?




 The medical examiner? Anyone see this fool? Nothing he said sounded credible. He claimed 'all the victims' were shot by a long rifle. Huh? It was reported that that long rifle Adam Lanza possessed was found in the trunk of his car.  When was the last time there was a mass shooting and there wasn't a single person hospitalized? No one was just injured?



 All these kids...20 of them...>TWENTY! were allegedly shot at point blank range, execution style. By ONE person...a fucked up, crazy kid with Asbergers Syndrome. What? None of those kids thought about running? Of resisting? They just sat there like good little sheep, and let this guy put between 2-7 slugs into them? 

Anyone find it odd that we never saw ANY photos of the crime scene? No blood. No bodies. No bullet holes. No funerals were observed, except from outside of the church. No parents were interviewed, except for two...and this guy sounded about as disingenuous as you possibly could after your 6 year has been taken from you by a crazed gunman.




Here's the rub. If you bang the drums too hard...and insist that its a government hoax, a conspiracy...where Blackwater (or Xi or whatever the hell their called now) mercenaries conducted this 'mission' to move Obama's boys one step closer to Gun Control...then you are viewed (most likely) as a freak. As being paranoid. Of needing help yourself. Really? Or are you a sheep? The citizen the politicians hope you are...that just take news events as they are...which will vanish from the public's memory after a week or so, and simply be replaced with the next hottest story. I can see it from both sides of the fence. These kind of things are SO frustrating...because the last thing I want to be is a citizen with my head stuck in the sand...willing to let my scheming government officials just do as they want...spoon-feeding us just enough misinformation to keep us from second-guessing them. Or maybe we all just watch too many movies? But wait...those movies have to be based on SOMEthing, right? Where there's smoke, there's fire...right? See what I mean? Spend enough time digging and trying to find the truth...and it just makes your head spin.

So...where does that leave me? I mean, I feel its disrespectful to an extent to 'doubt' the deaths of these children. But...well, let me put it this way: I play poker for a living. My job, is to spot a bullshitter. I've got a lot of experience spotting bullshitters, long before I even started playing poker...and there is SO MUCH about this case that just smells like shit.  Adam's mom was reported to be a teacher! School claims to never have heard of her! Huh? It makes me sad. But it pisses me off too. Because it just smacks of a government controlled media...much like they had in Communist Russia, or now in Communist China. 

And gun control? Honestly...I have no affinity for guns. I own a gun, but its an antique, and sits in a locked case. I've never fired it. Guns scare me. I've never found myself needing a gun. I've never dealt with a situation in 45 years that couldn't be handled with hand-to-hand combat. Yet gun owners will argue until they are blue in the face that their gun is an extension of their home security system. I try very hard not to thumb my nose at people's views and/or opinions. And I wont, where gun control is involved. The one thing I get...that I understand, and fully support, is those who preach that if the government is able to wrangle away ALL the guns from the civilians, then it will just be ONE side with guns. And yeah, I realize the obvious...every case of genocide in our history has generally occurred after the governments of those nations were able to first strip its citizens of their guns. Two that come to mind are Stalin's Russia and Hitler's Germany.  So from that point of view? Hell yes I would want my fellow citizens to have a little leverage when it comes to standing their ground against corrupt politicians.

Is there a middle ground? Fuck if I know. It's a mess. Are guns responsible for all these mass shootings? I mean, you look at countries with gun control and see the incredible disparity in gun-related deaths. It's mind boggling. You have all these people (and I find these points to be almost asinine) who want to use the..."look how many people get killed in car accidents! Should we ban cars!?? Look how many die of cancer because of smoking! Should we ban cigarettes?" Actually, yes! We should ban fucking cigarettes...in my opinion. You get my point. People die...all the time, by several methods, some of them horrific. But most, which we have no ability to control. You can't (within reason) control death by disease or accident. But if you never allow a sicko to get his hands on a fully automatic military-grade assault weapon...you probably don't need to worry about him shooting up a classroom! Granted, guns get into the hands of the wrong people...guns that were owned by people licensed to have those guns. So what do you counter that argument with? The bottom line? I don't think you can win this debate.



[this movie? I just happened upon it on NetFlix...exactly 4 days before the Sandy Hook shooting. It is eerily similar in so many ways to what transpired in Newtown. It was disturbing...and I recall, after watching it...asking myself, 'what the fuck would compel someone to make that movie?' I wonder...did Adam Lanza maybe watch this movie? It's called 'Rampage' ]

There are too many things you can blame. Too many factors. Our have and have-not society is no help. The video games with their incredibly violent themes can't be a big help. The shit they put on TV certainly isn't doing us any favors. The economy being dogshit...with so many people facing desperate levels of poverty doesn't contribute to a peaceful society. You see what I mean? It's a nightmare. And the NRA...the politicians, the lobbyists...they will sit and bicker back and forth with each other...more money will get slapped into the pockets of the lawmakers...and nothing will change. More innocent people will get gunned down, the news will cover it for a week to 10 days...America will express outrage...and it will continue on and on and on. It's a never-ending wash-rinse-wash-rinse cycle. Does anyone really think there is a solution?

Okay...I will get off that subject. Not sure why I vented. I guess it's possible that its all I've thought about this month. And I knew...when we took our annual pilgrimage to North Alabama for Christmas...that seeing all the various cousins and nephews would mean watching them chase each other around the house 'play' shooting each other. Guns are everywhere up there. When I grew up...in Seattle and/or Montana...guns were like taboo. No kids played with guns. I didn't have any friends that had guns. We were taught that they were to be feared. Squirrel and I have debated this issue for years. We debated it again following my post on Facebook after the shootings last month. Like I said earlier, I think its a southern thing. Parents down here just don't see a problem with it. And in fairness, Squirrel's brother Scott, who has three little boys...is extremely intelligent, an excellent father, and teaches his boys the difference between right and wrong as good or better than any parent I've ever known. Nonetheless...its always the same thing when we go there...all of them chasing each other around the house with guns. I was kind of hoping, on the heels of Sandy Hook, that this year would have provided a reprieve from that.

I really thought it might. Who wanted to see a bunch of kids with guns in their hands...shooting at each other...just days after 20 kids all 6 and/or 7 years old, were mowed down in cold blood? Well...it didn't take long. Not sure who gave them the gifts...but there they were. Little 3 or 4 year old getting a pistol that fires b-b's. Other kid getting a big ass gun that shoots water pellets or something. All of them retreating to the yard to basically hunt each other down. Then coming inside...and wanting to shoot more people, before being told to shut it down. It brought it all back for me. It literally made me cringe. I never bitch about it while I'm there, mainly out of respect to my wife. And of course...out of respect to their families. They are free to do, and to raise their kids, however they want. And they are incredible parents...and the boys are great kids...so its not like I think they are going to grow up to be mass murderers or anything. I guess my issue, is that for every family like Cheryl's...where the little boys won't grow up to be mentally fucked up and violent? There is that family down the street, where they have planted the seed of violence in that child's head...where they think hunting down and killing something is a way of life. I think that people who grow up and kill others...are conditioned, all throughout their life...and arrive at a mental place that allows them the ability to pull the trigger with a gun pointing at another person. If you never HAD a gun, and never USED a gun...there is a very slim chance that you will ever develop into a murderer. 

On these Christmas trips...I've just learned to 'deal with it' as a good little husband. But deep inside...it kills me. I was SO glad we didn't have a boy for that reason, among a few others. Because I know our son would probably be getting weaponry from her side of the family...and then what? I have to be the evil dad who won't let him have it? I am pretty confident that Carley isn't going to grow up thirsting to go kill shit. 

Okay well...this blog, my first in two weeks, and only third of the month...has gotten incredibly long. That wasn't really my intention. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve...and I really, truly want to wish all of you a great new year. And while Squirrel and I are likely sitting at home when the calendar turns to 2013....I hope you all have a safe night. Playing right now...on the channel I'm watching is a long running reel of news events from this year...wow! Certainly a LOT to digest. Good night, and good luck....

MONKEY

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Did Ya Miss Me?

Well...YOU might not have...but I know some of you did! Like my Mom. You heard me, my mother! Got a text from her the other day, informing me that I haven't blogged since November 27th. Well, you're right Mom, I haven't. I thought this was particularly odd, since...ever since we had Carley, rarely does a day go by where she isn't harassing me for a new picture of the princess. And now...since my sister got her an iPhone (welcome to 2012, Mom) she is discovering all kinds of cool new things, like Facetime. Carley is in for it now!

To be totally honest with you...I just kind of got in a 'I don't feel like writing anything' frame of mind this past couple of weeks. And its not like I haven't had time. I'm kind of hung up right now with a back that is in as bad of shape as its been in for about 3 or 4 years. I'll never forget that last one. I was innocently doing yard work in Pensacola on my rental house (that is still...aggravatingly...sitting there unrented, waiting on the plumbing/city sewer issue to resolve itself) when...while turning to reach for a flat of flowers...felt it basically just leave my body. I fell backwards, on to the ground...and struggled to move for 15 minutes. It took nearly 2 months for it to get back to normal.

I have no idea what the 'magic cure' is for my kind of back problem. Basically...and this came from both seeing an MRI a few years ago...and then seeing X-Rays last week at my chiropractor's office...the back is supposed to be shaped like an 'S'...and mine...is almost a straight line. Which has put all kinds of pressure on the lower back...which is what has resulted in the two discs near the bottom of my spine to become herniated. Sitting there...looking at the pictures, and hearing them tell you about the human body and how it just deteriorates the older you get...I really started to feel old. Well its been about three weeks since I got home from Vegas...and its been bad pretty much the whole time. Somehow I aggravated it while I was in Vegas. It 'went out' on me after one of my 2 mile walks from the hotel to Venetian.

So being at home isn't the worst thing. I get to be with Carley! This little monkey is growing like crazy...and she is so wild. Never stops moving...arms flailing, legs kicking...doesn't like to be tied down EVER. Loves being outside. Crawling all over the house. Trying hard to walk. Loves her mommy, loves me. I don't know how parents just have kids and turn them over to daycare or a nanny. Hell, I struggle with taking her to our wonderful babysitter while I'm out of town. Makes me a little jealous I guess. Something about waking up in the morning and seeing her just sitting there grinning because she is happy to see you? It's a feeling you can't duplicate. To think that you would give someone the chance to have that everyday? I can't stand it. Couples that split up...and try to raise a kid in two homes? Ouch. Its so unfair I would think, to the baby. I mean...maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think so. It feels so good that she knows everyday she is going to wake up to BOTH me and Squirrel...and fall asleep after kissing us BOTH goodnight. It's all I ever want...for the rest of her life. There really isn't anything more important to me anymore...other than supporting the two of them, and making sure we all have whatever we need to survive and stay healthy. I love them both so much.

Leaving the house sometimes simply puts me on LiFe TiLt! The other day...I went to Home Depot to grab some 'stuff.' This means I had to drive 3 miles. Total. Here is what I encounter. Pull into gas station. As I'm moving into my spot...a man comes from the other direction, whipping his car around from the other side...after noticing it was out of order. I was already about 65% into the spot...and he just jams his car right in there....and won't move back. I'm like..."Is this guy fucking kidding me?" I give him that look...you know the one? The one that says..."Are you fucking kidding me?" But he wasn't moving. I thought about it. Hmmm. I have really got nowhere to be today. And if this guy wants a good 'ol fashioned Mexican Standoff...maybe I should give him one. After all...I was always the king of the stare-down...which, by the way, comes in VERY handy in poker sometimes.

So I dug in. Took out my iPad...dialed up 'Words With Friends' and just sat there...waiting. Now his lips starting flapping. Ha ha! Now I've got him on life tilt! I was waiting for him to get out of his car. That would be the tell-tale sign of how long he wanted to drag this out. He finally just backed out...and surrendered. ROLL TIDE!

I fill up with gas. I go to Home Depot. I make my purchases. I leave. (no...not one issue at Home Depot...shockingly) I get to the red/green light there at Cedar Lake. The light turns green (for me) and I start to go, but can't because this lady has decided she is going to run the red light. I hit the brakes...then as she passes...proceed. But oh! Wait a second! Another asshole has decided that he, too...is going to go for it. No buddy. No fucking way. Now...I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of slipping through a little 'yellow-to-red' intersection once in a while. I am. But in a situation where there is heavy traffic? Where your running a red light could result in a very likely accident? No way. Never. And the one that really pisses me off? Is when they run the red light (blatantly) and just so they can get to the other side which is also severely backed up. Or how bout when they just go ahead and block the entire fucking intersection, so NO ONE from the other direction can go at all? 

Well, you know how I am well known for loving to punish the min-raiser? (which...btw, there seem to be more and more by the day) Well I also possess the same passion for pinning people in very awkward and inescapable positions. One of them...would be stuffing an asshole in the early part of the intersection...where he is just forced to sit there...with proverbial pie on his face. So yeah...I made sure I got my car out there and forced him from being able to slip through. Then...I stopped...in amazement...as he started honking at me. Yeah. HONKING AT ME!!! Not...you know, making a gesture to acknowledge having fucked up (how often do you EVER see that?) and maybe giving a little friendly wave. No...this prick was honking at me...and cursing. So what did I do? You know what I did.

Since there were no other cars behind me...trying to get through, I elected to just stop. And stare at him. Didn't say anything. No facial expressions. Just sat there...looking at him. I found it very amusing. The longer I sat there...the more pathetic his expression became. He quit honking. His mouth quit moving. It was beautiful. I had accomplished the ultimate. I had shamed this stupid asshole. I then proceeded through the stoplight...and went home. Ahhh...but not first without encountering....'Mr. CutYouOffToSaveSixFeet.' You know this guy. Right? You're just driving along...medium to heavy traffic (by Biloxi terms...certainly not LA or ATL specs)...approaching a light, where you will be turning right...and as you are maybe four or five cars away from your turn to make a right...here comes THATGUY. There might be 12.5 feet of space between you and the car in front of you. And dickface might be driving a car that is 11 3/4 feet long...but holy shit...he is going to find a way to magically squeeze his macho mobile in between the space in front of you...all without (of course...who are we trying to kid here) using a turn signal. I have a recently purchased Smoothie (don't ask me what damn flavor it was...something tropical) in my hand...and have only had about 1 or 2 sips from it. Yeah...you know where this is headed.

You guessed right. All over the place. What do you do in those situations? Other than curse like a sailor and wish it was legal to place armaments on the front of your vehicle, that you could use if you have what the local authorities would deem 'just cause' when the video tape was removed from your dash cam...and in open court you could show the judge why you decided to launch a Stinger missile at this asshole? Not much you can do...really, except possibly go all road rage...follow the guy like a crazy ex-girlfriend...maybe toss some expired batteries at him. Or use some more traditional (and tired, frankly) classics like the 'drive-by-while-flipping-the-bird' that has never really solved ANY problem in the history of mankind. If anything, it just shows how bony some people's middle finger is. Or just results in the other person calling 'the flipper' a fucking weasel, or a loser...or whatever fun name you decide to use to call someone who resorts to the 'finger flip' as their weapon of mass retaliation.

I had a vision the other day. It was pretty funny. I've been giving some thought...over the past six months or so...into getting into standup comedy. I've been told by people for many, many years now...that I missed my calling. That I should be doing comedy. To them...I just kind of said, "Yeah...whatever." Well...I don't know. I mean, I was training to be an actor for 5 years back in the 90's and even got SOME work (nothing major)...so I do have a little bit of stage presence and know a little bit about working a microphone. And I've found that I just seem to come up with some damn funny material when I'm just doing stupid shit like driving on road trips. When I was walking those 2 miles every day in Vegas? I came up with a LOT of shit. I was thinking...my moniker could be...something like....Will Souther...the Angry Poker Pro. I would probably have to give Monkey some time off. Maybe not, I don't know. I'm sure nothing will come of this...just know that I am thinking about it. I should warn you. I'm Aquarian...and its kind of in our nature to dream a lot...to come up with these wonderful ideas and/or goals...but then to never pursue them. Did a lot of that growing up. Always had these big ideas. Some of them I attempted. Most I didn't.

So...Squirrel is at her little dayshift Christmas get together at the Filling Station the other night. Yeah...since they have different shifts, they have different parties. Very segregationist (this word looks wrong, and its underlined in red...but its not giving me an alternative. So just know that I know this word is probably spelled incorrectly). But I guess it makes sense. After all...who is going to work there if they are all at a Christmas party? Wow...someone wanting that hot tea with lemon that never tips might have a cardiac arrest.

She had been out all day. Carley was with her. I had been at home...watching football, and playing online...on Lock Poker...where I've played a lot this past week. I was in the $11 tourney where 999 (yeah...not 1000, not 998...but 999) started. We were down to about 50. And she was asking me to come get Carley. Shit! Bad timing. Yeah, first was only $1800...but hey...I wanted it. The other night I got 3rd in the $30 late night MTT for $600....it was one of FOUR times I've final tabled that tourney in the last 7 days. Yeah...its weird...I've been running pretty good on there and making a lot of final tables. It's kind of restored my hope somewhat regarding online poker. (not totally...not by a long shot! The same stupid assholes are still on there making their dream-crushing stupid ass plays late in the tourneys) So she wants me to come get tired, cranky Carley.

I give her the prognosis...and buy a little extra time. Then it happens. I see the QQ. Usually my signal that its all over. I raise. Get two calls. Yup. I'm going down. The flop comes J-J-7. Fuck. Check check to me. I bet about half the pot. And clench my ass waiting for the inevitable shove from one of the other two. Nope. Wow. They both fold. Sweet. Now we are down to 35. Starting to get a wee bit excited. A notoriously horrible player on my right min raises for about the zillionth time...and I see 10-10. I re-raise...the shit out of it. It folds around to him...and after tanking forever...fucktard shoves all in. I can't fold. Got too much in. He turns over KJ offsuit. Of course. Lets think about what HE THINKS he might be beating there? Naw...lets not, it will just hurt our brain. He flops a jack. It holds. I have him covered...but not by a lot. I lose the rest with QJh against a guy who OVERSHOVES over my all in from middle position with A7 off. Another quality move. He wins. I lose. 31st place for $41 whopping dollars! Awesome.

So I go pick up Carley. As advertised...very tired. Very cranky. Put her in car seat. And the crying starts. Then shrieking. Oh gawd. Please Carley. Please.....I can handle the crying. But the shrieking? Not the shrieking. I beg you....

I live about (mercilessly) 12 minutes from the Filling Station. She cried the whole way. So while driving had this vision that I was alluding to up there about three paragraphs ago. I was imagining if we were driving somewhere that was 50 miles away or so. In my vision...I see a cop on the side of the road. My radar starts beeping. Ahhh...he has his gun on. He has those flashing red and blue lights on top of his car and maybe in his grill, huh? Carley loves....LOVES...flashing lights. That would definitely make her stop screeching wouldn't it? So (in my little vision/dream) I slam my foot down on the gas...the V8 kicks in (not the vegetable juice, the engine)..and I accelerate from 35 to 70 mph...and as I go by him I try to give him a look (but its dark out) begging him to come and get me! He noticed me! Here he comes! Siren wailing...and there go the lights! And right on cue...Carley stops crying! Oh joy! Sweet mother of love and lobster bisque with delicious oysters on the half shell! The sound of delightful silence washes over me....and I slow it down to 35...and just drive like that...for almost 5 minutes...before the cop starts hollering over his intercom for me to pull it over. Oh yeah...shit, almost forgot he was back there.

I pull over...thankfully his lights stay on...equally thankful are my ears when his siren is turned off. I have found bliss. He approaches. Asks for my license and registration. I hand them to him. He looks at the peaceful look on my face...

"Sir? You feeling okay? You been drinking or smoking any marijuana tonight? You seem a bit out of it?"

"Officer...I have not been doing either of those activities. What I've been doing is listening to that beautiful little angel back there shrieking at the top of her lungs for the last half hour...and as my brain was about to explode, I happened up you! And knowing how much she just LOVES flashing lights...I was 100% certain I had found a way to end the crying. And as you can see...I was correct. I know you aren't allowed to...but if you could just follow me home with your lights still flashing, I would literally pay you $100. As for this speeding ticket you are about to give me? I know...it sucks, my insurance will likely go up...but sometimes, you just have to make sacrifices!"

In my vision...or dream...he enjoys the story...doesn't give me the ticket, and even follows me to my driveway. I know...that last part is very unlikely.

I hear my wife is watching the 'X-Factor.' I can't go in there. If I do, I am afraid I will see or have to hear that little bitch Demi Lovato. I absolutely hate that little shit head. I can only pray...with every fiber in my being, that my daughter doesn't end up like her. Disrespectful, self-centered little asshole that girl is. What? She has been on the scene for two? Three maybe? Years? Boy does she have a mOnStEr SiZeD opinion of herself. And just the way she praddles on and on after a singer is done..I just want to hit her in the face with a frying pan. Meanwhile...I was really looking forward to seeing Brittney on that show...and she is almost always in kind of a vegetative state. You know when your in a board meeting...and your day dreaming...and they ask you to do your presentation...and someone has to bump you? Huh? Oh...yeah. Shit! No...I have never been in that board meeting. But I watch a lot of movies. That is what Brittney looks like every time its her turn to talk. 

Yes...I know. Alabama beat Georgia. We are all very excited about it. I'm not getting wrapped up in a bunch of trash talk. We are favored to beat Notre Dame by 9 or 10 points. So...we are EXPECTED to win. So why talk shit? I just hope we go to Miami...execute the game plan, don't turn the ball over..and return to Tuscaloosa with Alabama's 15th National Championship. And 3rd in 4 years...which is just insane to even think about. Squirrel and I will not be going to this year's game...which sucks. Especially since Claudia...who I took with us to the LSU game...somehow managed to luckbox her way into (ahem) 50 yard line seats in the club level. Yeah...we'll just go ahead and call those 'the best seats in the house.' Am I bitter and jealous? Mmmm..maybe just a little bit, yeah. But I know she will have a great time...so I'm happy for her. And after all..we have Carley to take care of. Last year, Carley got to GO to the game...courtesy of Cheryl's belly condo! But yeah...it would have been awesome to be there...but it will be just as great to watch. I'm not even sure where I will be watching it from. Why?

Well...I have written ALL my letters to the various places that I needed to write letters to. Feel like I've done everything I can. The petition turned out to be really a good thing, and a good idea I think. I got all the names and comments printed out and forwarded them ahead with a letter to the appropriate people, and hopefully everything will sort itself out in the next few weeks. I've also (once again...for the third time now in three years) written the Beau Rivage, asking them to let me come back. That letter went out two weeks ago. I've heard nothing from them yet. As a player who is trying to be more of a father, I would really like them to let me back now...before I didn't care as much. But if I could stay home more...it would allow me to play more of their daily tourneys there and just try to make a living doing that...and mixing in an occasional trip to an event now and then. And of course,  it would be nice to be able to stay at home and play their big upcoming event in January...instead of having to venture off to Choctaw in Oklahoma or the Bicycle Club in Los Angeles. I don't know what else I have to prove to them. I haven't said a negative thing about them in quite some time, to anyone. And they should be able to see that I've changed my tune quite a bit. But I know...sometimes, you create things that are hard to undo. At any rate...I've made that formal request again.

My 16th Annual College Bowl Pool starts this Saturday. Last year we got 156 entries. It's still $50 to play. Pays top 4...and dead last. The leader after 11 games and 23 games both win 10% of the prize pool. And new this year...and in all my pools, I will be awarding a hoodie, to the winner of all my pools, including this one. I also will be running a BCS Title Squares board...with each square going for $50. I filled two of those last year. If you are interested in getting into either of these...or just be added to my pool distribution list...send me an email at ThePoolMonkey@aol.com. 

I think I am done with this post! Hope that was enough to keep you satisfied! Think I will go log onto LOCK now and slip in a late night session!

MONKEY

Monday, November 26, 2012

Out of the Bunker....Firing!!!

So by now, I'm sure you all figured out there wasn't any 'follow up' good news. It's amazing how high this game of poker can lift you...and how low it can drop you.  Adding to that...I hear stories throughout the poker world, so and so got screwed out of his job. So and so can't get their money off of Site X. I read a few of these comments that get left on here...and just wonder to myself, "Self, what kind of an asshole leaves a message like that? What person invests THAT much emotion to try and get a rise out of me? Why hasn't God dealt that person a case of penis cancer yet? How much longer will it be before he does? Will I have to wait long? Should I fire up some popcorn and throw some beer on ice?"

I came back for Day 2 with what I would call a 'decent stack.' Three times the starting stack was perfect...coming back I had 35 BB's...which was just fine. Well, my day started great. On one hand, Eric Froelich limped from the SB into my BB. I raised with A10. He called. Flopped an ace. He checks. I bet about 3/4 of the pot. He calls. Turn was nothing. He checked. I bet about 1/2 the pot. He folds. Nice. Button min raises. SB goes all in for a small amount. I just flat with KJ. The button (Froelich again) also flats (with 66 it turns out). On a flop of J-8-2...I bet out a sizable amount...he folds 66 face up..and the turn brought a 6. Whew! I knocked out the SB. We had the kid who finished 3rd in this year's Main Event...Jacob Balsinger, at our table.  Pleasant kid, then again, why WOULDN'T he be pleasant!??  He lost pretty early.

We got down to 50 from 75 in almost one level. Wow! And things were going great. After calling another min raise from the BB with 9-10 against the guy who's girlfriend one-outed me with the 7 on the river in the nightly the previous week (when I had JJ and had done everything to let her know how bad her 77 was on the board of 9-10-3)...he liked min-raising UTG....(and btw, she ended up winning that nightly. We talked about the hand, and he said she admitted she played that hand against me horribly. I'm glad she won...they both seemed like nice kids). The flop came 9-10-3. Sweet. I checked. He bet 7500. I raised to 16,000. He called. An ace on the turn. Hmmmm. Helps me? Hurts me? Decided to find out where I was. I lead out 17,500. He fidgets, tanks...then folds. Suddenly, I was up to over 100k. With the blinds at 1500/3000. Things were feeling great.  Only 23 till the money...which was a fairly decent $6500 (on a buy in of $2500). I really, really wanted to cash. Just to get a little positive return on the trip. Once that happened, I could go from there.

Everything went to shit. And it didn't take long. A pretty aggressive player, who came to my Day 1 table late the night before...raises to 7500 at 1500/3000. He was sitting on a shortish stack of 42k. I'd watched him raise like this the night before...making small raises that constituted about 25-35% of his stack. A sort of strange play. I look down at 99 in the SB. It folds around to me. I felt like I most likely had the best hand. And if not, I definitely had the chipstack to convince him that I did. I re-raised from his 7500 to 17,000. Did he shove? Or fold? Neither. He smooth called. Yeah. Huh? Weird. And all his body language prior to the flop let me know he didn't have AA or KK. No, he was making a very tough decision...and that made me think I was up against AQ...maybe AK (though most players like him usually reshove AK in that spot)...or a pair smaller than mine. When he just flatted, I decided he did that with the intent to see if he could either FADE the AK...or HIT the AK...which created kind of a quandary for me. The flop came J-7-4. 

He had about 32k left in his stack. I led out for 22k. He tanks. Forever, Now I really like my hand. Finally...he shoves. Huh? Hollywooding? Guessing? AJ? Well, I couldn't really fold...since there was about 89k in the pot and I had to call 10k or something. I called, and he turns over 10-10. Wow. Did he make the right call? Do YOU make that play? I know I didn't like it...especially when I bricked the turn and the river and was now cut in half almost...down to 63k. Shit.

Just two hands later...I get  88 at cutoff...and raise to 8500. The big blind looks down...and shoves. Older guy. He'd already pulled this move about 4 times. He was in for 24k. I couldn't find a good reason to fold. Plus I figured he had Ace-something...and hoped I could win a race...and get half of what I just lost, back in my stack. I was right. He had AJ off. Would my 8's hold? Fuck no. He flopped a jack, and rivered an ace. Shit! Now down to under 40k. 

A few hands later...I try to steal the blinds with KJ. Get called by that same guy who had the 10-10. Flop brings a king. He checks. I bet. He calls. Turn an ace. He checks. I check. River was a blank. He checks. I bet about 11k. He calls. KQ. FUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!! And now...I'm freaking out. 47 players left...and I only have 12k left now....4 big blinds. I shove all in with Q10. Get a walk. I shove all in with A8d. Get a walk. Okay, okay...I can do this.

Then 'Mr Min Raise' does it again...and I call in the BB with 9-7. The flop comes 8-Q-7. Not bad. I check. He checks. I've got to be good. Turn is a ten! Open ended with a pair! Maybe I screwed up here by betting out 3/4 of the pot. Maybe I should have just shipped all in. I couldn't check raise there...since any bet that he made he'd be pot committed to call my shove...as I was when I was up against him with my 99 vs. 10-10. So I bet a strong amount...to try and just take it down right there. He postures a bit...then shoves all in. What!?? Wtf??? Did he have a set of queens? And was slowplaying it the whole way? If I fold...I've only got 9k left. I've come back from worse. But holy crap. Could this dealer...who'd been ruining me for three orbits now, bring me one of 8 outs necessary to get me back into this damn tourney? I found I had no faith in her. None. And folded. I probably should have just shipped all in on the turn and let the cards fall where they may. Hell, he might have had nothing...but had the position and the stack (now!) to pressure me into folding, which he successfully did. 

I will probably think about that hand for quite a while. I really needed to cash this Main Event. Especially with the Holidays coming. But it didn't happen...and as I thought I was about to catch a miracle double up...picking up AK in the SB in a heads up shove vs. the BB...who 'woke up' with KJ...not like he was folding anyway probably...with K2. But it was the perfect scenario...and if I won...I'd be back up over 20k...with a pulse. Flop brought a king. Hate that. Why can't it just bring the ace...and no other face cards? Why? Because...it allowed for me to get pummeled when the dealer slapped a jack on the river. The guy looked at me, apologized...I told him nice hand, wished everyone well...and walked in a trance-like state...to the front of the poker room...where I sat in one of the leather chairs...and just sank.

Busted. 20 from the money. All I had to do now was kill 5 or 6 hours...then go catch my flight. So I sat down and played cash game...more to just amuse myself and burn off some steam. I booked a modest loss...then at 10:30pm...hopped a cab, took it to my hotel, asked him to wait while I go get my luggage, which he did...made it back down in 4m 26s's...the guy timed me, under 5m and he was giving me a $5 discount! I won. We headed for the airport for my 12:50am flight. The first hiccup came when the exit to the airport was closed for construction. We had to go two more exits up...then turn around and come back the other way. Lovely. We pulled up to the curb at 11:45pm. Should be fine. Get inside with my bags...after paying $60 to the cabbie. The lady at the United counter gives me this "your not going to like what I'm about to tell you" face.

"I'm on the 12:50am flight to New Orleans." 

"Sorry sir...the baggage belt has been turned off. You are too late."

 Huh? Too late? ONE HOUR early for a red-eye flight? Closed? Just give me my boarding pass...I'll check my luggage at the gate. She wouldn't bite. I was ready to flip my lid...but I remembered that I was in an airport...and these people LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to get the police involved whenever possible. So I resorted to begging. Nope. No good. Fuck! I guess the only saving grace was that I still had my hotel room reserved til the morning. So I got on the phone...called United, booked a flight for the morning...which I had to pay a damn $150 change fee...on a ticket that I had only paid $190 for! (one-way) and jumped in a cab and headed back to the hotel...another $30 down the tube. I was so annoyed. I just laid on my bed...fell asleep and woke up at 7am...to try again. This time...I made it with time to spare. Paid an extra $30 for the exit row...which when I got on the plane, discovered there were two black girls who simply moved INTO those seats (despite not holding a ticket for them) and proceeded to smack their gum and listen to their bad headphones (the kind where the music comes blaring out of them) the whole flight. 

If this was what WWE was all about....

And if we could get MORE of THIS....

and LESS of THIS....well....I can dream.

I'm watching 'E!' right now and the show 'The Soup' and they are doing a full show committed to clowning on the WWE. I really, really, seriously want to meet the person who is a hardcore fan of that crap...and just pick their brain for awhile. I mean, you watch it...and its SO FUCKING STUPID....but there are people who literally LOVE that stupid shit. Why? What do they find appealing about it? This is proof that all men are NOT created equal. Things like that? That are stupid on that kind of a scale? Just make me wonder how ANYONE could POSSIBLY think there isn't more intelligent life out there in our universe. My question is: How could there NOT be???

Getting into the first stop, in Houston...I was unusually annoyed by the one thing that ALWAYS irritates and annoys me, but for some reason was peaking on this day. I was seated in business class, in row 10. I had no carry-on, so getting off was going to be pretty smooth. Suddenly, and you know this moment...when the pilot pulls up to the gate, and that bell goes off? Nearly EVERYONE on the plane does that jack-in-the-box move where they spring out of their seat! And that is irritating, yes. And annoying, obviously...because we all know, that no one on that plane is moving one inch for at LEAST five minutes. See...if you have a connection to make..and you are cutting it close? I understand your desire to get the hell off that plane. But the thing is? Nearly all the assholes that are jumping out of their seats...have no where they need to be other than baggage claim. 

So here we have this douchebag...and its not just him...it happens all the time...where they come from 2...3...sometimes more...rows back...push their way forward...which results in a bunch of people standing there, all up in each other's shit...shooting each other dirty looks, while the people/passengers who SHOULD be able to stand up and occupy that space...are now trapped in their seats...waiting for these mutherfuckers to clear out of the aisle. I honestly think there should be rules that allow every human to carry tazers...and that there will be offenses that are punishable on the spot. Without repercussion. 



"Scuse me sir...who couldn't wait his fucking turn to get off this piece of shit plane? Who is now preventing ME from getting off this piece of shit plane? Because you're an asshole? I hope you enjoy these 15,000 watts of electricity that I am about to deliver to your body."  BZZZZBZZZZBZBBZBZBZZZZZZZ!!!  Dickheads!


So....yeah, I get home. Sleep pretty much for two days. And get caught up with my wife and Carley. Then...here comes my sister and her two kids from Wisconsin, for Thanksgiving and the weekend. She has two special needs kids that she adopted after serving as a foster parent. She does a terrific job with them. Frankly, I don't know how she does it. I would lose my mind. Kids are all sweet...ya know, but there is a limit to what I can endure before I lose it. As far as Carley goes...she is now crawling...and she is really starting to develop quite the personality. She is starting to really be a lot of fun to be around...its not so much just hours of change her, feed her, change her, feed her...now she actually wants to do stuff...crawl around, play with things. Play with the dogs. Go outside. I took her on a 2 mile stroller ride today...she loved it.

The radio show we have been doing for 6 months? Not sure what's going on with that. Scott Clark had some kind of deal with Lock Poker where they functioned as the sponsor...and paid him something. What, I'm not sure. All I know is that I wasn't seeing any of it. Which wasn't a real huge deal. I took on the role of co-host with the understanding that if/when it 'took off' and was a success, that I would realize some kind of financial benefit down the road. Well...I don't know how far down the road I was supposed to travel, or how you gauge 'took off' so I haven't done an ounce of complaining about anything. It wasn't too much of an inconvenience to put aside two hours every Sunday to just basically fire from the hip about whatever the hot topic of the week was. Well...he seems to be having some kind of dispute with the owners of Lock...and thus, the show is kind of being placed on the back burner. (for now) Not sure if that is a posturing move or what. Frankly...it doesn't really matter to me either way. The more I play this game, the more I am exposed to the characters in this game...the more I just want to run and hide from it. I don't think you people can even begin to comprehend how bad I wish I'd finished in the Top 50 this summer in the Main...so I could have just taken about a full year off from poker and just focused on my family...and my other business ventures.

Ah...speaking of that kind of stuff...let me share this asshole's comment...that I didn't bother to publish. Judging from this prick's writing style, I am pretty sure he is the author of several of the anonymous comments that have been left here (and not published) in the past. I will break down this jerkoff's latest.

Total bullshit lie by you.[nice opening] Your comment speaks for itself [huh?] and the tax hit. You keep spinning your lies Monkey Man.[anyone notice how he comes out firing, calling me a liar, then fails to tell me what it is, exactly, that I'm lying about? I find that rather puzzling] From the look of your recent poker results this year I don't think you have anything to worry about with regard to taxes anyway.[there is ONE thing I will agree with him on. So if he thinks that, why is he calling me a liar? Am I insane to be confused?] Tough year for you. Well at least your wife has 2 jobs [I know this guy has made several comments because he has alluded two or three times that my wife has two jobs. I am wondering how he has come to that conclusion. Because she pitched in one Sunday and helped run a benefit to pay for a friends' funeral costs? That counts as a job now? Or is it that she is taking on the role of 'mother' which could easily be counted as a job? Not exactly sure...but for your info...she has just one job that she shows up for every day and pays taxes on. That would be cocktail waitress at the Beau Rivage. If, however...you know of a second job that she is working...in secret...please, do share!] and pays taxes. Most of us are going shopping on Friday[I would have to disagree. I firmly believe the ONLY ones who go shopping on the day dejectedly known as Black Friday, especially those jackholes who camp out in the front of stores the night before...are the same asshats who attend WWE events. No, see...I'm the clever one, who uses my 'card status' privileges with companies like Best Buy to simply make my purchases of the same shit those parking lot losers are making...but from the privacy and comfort of home, so no, you can't lump me into the 'everyone else' category, Deliverance] I assume you are making your cardboard sign and are staking out a good spot at your Walmart [I don't even know what this means. Is this related to their strike? Am I about to come upon a litter of puppies or kitties that need to be given away? Oh...or was that another reference to my 'broke ass' going there to panhandle? Yeah...thats probably it, huh?]

IF you ever...EVER...see me standing in one of these lines, you will know that aliens have abducted me and swapped out my brain with someone else's and returned me to Earth. Please....just walk up to me...and KILL ME!!!


I'm pretty sure this is the same guy telling me, after busting the Main...to tuck my tail between my legs..and take my broke ass back to Biloxi. He tells me to 'leave his town' and that it will become less seedy the minute my plane leaves the ground. Buddy...first of all, its comical that someone like YOU...who slinks his way around poker blogs looking for someone to cut down behind the veil of anonymity...would try to pass himself off as a 'representative' for the fine city of Las Vegas. A guy who can't even sign his name to a comment. What's wrong? You came to Vegas...chasing the dream? And now your just a pissant hourly employee? Who found out the cruel truth about living the 'Vegas Life' and who resorts now to trying to bring guys like me down to your level of misery and self-loathing? Pfffft! Naw! No thanks. You wallow down there by yourself. And don't forget to get that vest of yours dry cleaned...its going on two weeks now...it's really starting to stink, pal.

To the lady? Who did the most creative 'tip-toe...tickle my nuts ever so gingerly while at the same time smashing them with a mallet when I wasn't looking' message? I just have one question for you. You say you 'finally left your husband' for the 'same kind of crap' that you project me as putting my wife through? What would that be exactly? Supporting her for the past 5 or 6 years? Filling our house with nice things? Making it possible to bring this beautiful child into our world? Judging by your schizophrenic message...hopscotching from 'you are an entertaining writer who clearly has the support of many friends and family' straight to 'you come off as arrogant and an abrasive asshole, who acts as if he is the greatest poker player in the world, but who lately, doesn't have much to show for it...who comes off as a whiny cry baby when anything doesn't go my way. I easily go on tilt and are broke!'  You follow this up by telling me I should take your advice, and then wish me a Happy Holidays! 

Wow. Seriously? Um...so, curious, if I was lying on the sidewalk, dying of a severed leg, would you hand me a band-aid to stop the bleeding? Was it really YOU who left your husband? Or maybe it was the other way around? I don't even know  what it means to 'act' like I think I'm the world's greatest poker player. What exactly would that behavior encompass? And by the way...when was the last time you actually sat at my table? I'm guessing you had an experience with me, perhaps...in a nightly tourney somewhere, probably about three or four years ago, when I had an extremely difficult time biting my tongue while watching the worst poker that you could EVER pay money to watch. Am I getting warm? And sure...usually by the time I'm in a nightly...I've probably already endured the day from hell...so if someone that knows me should happen to ask 'how things are going' they are probably going to hear something negative. I like how, and you see this stupid shit a LOT while playing online...when you make ONE comment about how some nimrod played a hand, and suddenly you are a 'whiny cry baby.' How creative. Is there even some kind of lead up to 'whiny cry baby?' Or do you people who lack the ability to loop together even three intelligent sentences just defer straight to the only catch phrase you can come up with? 

"Boy...the gas here is .30 more per gallon than right across the street, how weird is that?"

A:  "Oh...shut up, your just a whiny cry baby!!!!"

"Does it strike anyone as odd that we are sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic at midnight in Council Bluffs, Iowa?"

A: "Why don't you just whine and cry about it, you baby!!!!"

Are two examples enough to drive home my point? I hope so.  I also get a kick out of what qualifies as an arrogant asshole in the poker world. Oh no...he's abrasive! Why? Well, he just lost half his stack when the other guy chased a gutshot for no apparent reason other than he's missing part of his brain...and when dork #2 in the five-seat asks Monkey if he's pissed off...and Monkey's response is...."No...I'm not pissed, I'm thrilled. Why would I want to be chipleader this early in the tourney?" Any more stupid fucking questions? 

Do not....NOT...ever make me a college football coach. Because, frankly, and I have all the respect and admiration for these coaches, who...at the conclusion of the half, are required to go meet up with Holly, or Traci what's her fuck with the Coco Puff sitting just under her nose, or Grunty Kolber....I know her name is Suzi...but all I ever hear when she talks is grunting. When I think Suzie Kolber, I think big, smelly dump. If I had to run over to one of these dingbats and answer their stupid fucking questions...I wouldn't be able to help myself. I would positively go Bobby Knight on their ass. By the way...how much do I miss Bobby Knight and post game interviews? The only one even close to him is the coach of the NY Rangers...and those pricks are on strike. Life is just FULL of bad beats!



See...poker is a pretty testy environment...and when you do it for a living? You take it pretty seriously. So...you should try cutting someone a little slack when you may have just caught that person at a bad time.  I have come up with a pretty good comparative analysis to describe to those who don't fully know me, what I am all about. Are any of you familiar with Chelsea Handler? She has a show on E! I've been watching her for years. Both as a comedienne and when she got her own show. I am basically the male version of Chelsea. I have zero doubt in my mind, that if I lived in L.A. Chelsea and I would be really good friends. Nothing sexual. At all. I find her almost repulsive from that point of view. But I identify with almost everything she says. But here is where it gets good. Because she is on TV? It's funny, right? It's edgy. It's great sarcasm. It's just Chelsea being Chelsea. But I'm not on TV...well, except for when my pocket kings are getting snapped by Elizabeth Hille's pocket tens to end my main event....and so when I act in this fashion...I'm an abrasive asshole, who is arrogant. Know what? That's fine. It really is. I don't give two rat fucks about most of you liking me. Most of you aren't even worthy of a conversation. 



See, I don't think I'm the greatest poker player on earth. That is just a stupid, ignorant statement. And anyone who knows anything about me, or about poker...knows that without even giving it two seconds of reflection. That statement, in and of itself...is made by a person like you, lady.  Walk into the bathroom, look yourself in the mirror, and just slap yourself...for being ridiculous. And don't do it again. It's embarrassing. Fortunately you (along with all the others) didn't sign your name to your stupid comment...cuz if you had, I'd have had to post it...and brought shame upon you and every member of your family. Lucky you.


I'm watching Monday Night Football. Carolina and Philly. Remember when they played in the Super Bowl last decade? Boy....have things changed. Dude just missed an extra point. That only happens like once every 987 tries in the NFL. I have a bad feeling that 'ol Andy Reid might be coaching his last game if the birds don't pull this out...and being down by 8 with 4 minutes left isn't exactly making it look good. He had a good run. Oh...does someone want to tell Cameron Newton that when he scores a touchdown for a team that is 2-8...that he can save all the posturing and camera mugging? I just have a hard time NOT hating this guy. Things sure are rosy at Auburn since he left, aren't they? Whatever...the joke's on Auburn...they fire a guy who brought them their first National Championship since...wow...a long time...and just two years later, they are stuck looking for a new coach, while having to pay this guy $208,334 a MONTH for 36 months! I would never leave the house!

I needed to chime in...let you folks, the ones I give a shit about, anyway...know that I'm fine. Just been home with family. Haven't played a hand of poker, or desired to. What's next? Poker-wise? Not sure. Some dude on my Facebook is getting a weekly 1-2 PLO game going over here...might have to go sniff that out. That Bayou Classic thing, or whatever they are calling it in New Orleans...the tournament they always have in December that ISN'T a WSOP event....starts this coming Thursday. Maybe I will go play that. Maybe not. Not sure. Pretty much gearing up for Christmas...Carley's first...and the time we will spend in North Alabama with Squirrel's family. Actually looking forward to Christmas for a change. I usually loathe Christmas...but now, it kind of comes with a deeper meaning. Much deeper. As I finish this blog, I look to my left, where she is passed out...with her little hand wrapped around my arm...she is becoming really attached to me. And I love it. And her. I found out this week that my old buddy Jason Young is about to become a father...after maybe the best year of his life...after his restaurant was opened and is a total success up in Suffern, New York. Josh Brikis had a boy about the same time we had Carley. My friend Joe Cutler had a son last year, too. Leo Whitt just had a boy last month...and was quick to send me a picture. A lot of us who have toiled in this miserable existence that is playing poker as a profession are finding out that there really, truly is more to life than grinding poker tourneys.

Honestly, if I never 'win the big one' so be it. I've been close...yes, SO many times. And yeah...it rankles me sometimes to see how bad some of these little jerks play, watch them get horseshoe-up-the-ass lucky and lead to winning millions at an annoying age of 21-24...and wish that on just ONE occasion my hands had held up on the biggest stages, or if I had the 'gene' in my body that allowed me to make retarded plays and somehow coming out looking like a genius.You (as a poker pro) are sometimes left to wonder if you are just unlucky. If you weren't intended to ever experience that ultimate victory. I know we all go through those thoughts. And then, some guy who has spent years falling short...of taking horrible beat after horrible beat, finally has his day in the sun...wins his millions, accepts all the 'atta-boys' from those who were by him for that whole, painful journey over the years...and enjoys his victory with the required amount of modesty. Because he knows. He knows it wasn't HOW he played. He knows it isn't ANY different than all those other tourneys he played. The difference, was that on this day...the hands held. He won a majority of the races. Period. He wasn't 'great.' And his win didn't suddenly lift him to the heights of 'greatest player on earth.' Nope...because he is smart enough to know that the next time out...his pocket aces are likely to lose to J9 suited when the guy flops a gutshot, turns a flush draw, and rivers the draw (take you pick!)

The long, painful odyssey has made that guy smart though. He takes those winnings, and he puts them away. Maybe invests. Maybe buys a house. Something that has real value. He avoids the big cash games. He avoids buying fancy cars. He doesn't feel the need to start playing ONLY $5k and up tourneys...because he is afraid people (poker haters and shitheads, usually) will accuse him (always behind his back of course, because we ARE talking about poker players here) of being broke. 

"Dude, why would he be playing in a $300 tourney if he wasn't broke?"  Dude. I hope you die in a car fire. Dude.

If you haven't figured it out....I pretty much HATE poker now. And most of the players who play the game. There are a small handful who I like. And I like a lot of the dealers and floor people. And I'd say most of them know who they are. So why don't I just up and quit? Trust me, the thought crosses my mind. Daily. But I happen to think that I am good enough to play this game and make a living doing it. And somewhere along the way...the plan is to accidentally 'luck into' a big score. Like a lot of these other shitbirds have. Because that...will provide me the freedom of not having to show up so often, and worry about some fucking housewife who thinks I'm arrogant and abrasive and who comes off as an asshole because I'm not all rosey and fun. Suck it lady. There is a reason why I quit using my trademark 'monkey' at the table on this past trip. (a) I'm tired of being targeted, (b) I'm tired of people seeing my monkey, realizing its 'that guy they've heard about, who is crazy, and funny and blah blah blah' and feel this sense of responsibility to 'live up' to their expectations of me and (c) giving people, and I'm pretty much referring to the hyenas who prowl the dusty plain of 2+2 Poker Forums, a beacon to home in on.

Okay. I promise. I'm done. Good night. Now my head hurts. Shit.

MONKEY