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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Did Ya Miss Me?

Well...YOU might not have...but I know some of you did! Like my Mom. You heard me, my mother! Got a text from her the other day, informing me that I haven't blogged since November 27th. Well, you're right Mom, I haven't. I thought this was particularly odd, since...ever since we had Carley, rarely does a day go by where she isn't harassing me for a new picture of the princess. And now...since my sister got her an iPhone (welcome to 2012, Mom) she is discovering all kinds of cool new things, like Facetime. Carley is in for it now!

To be totally honest with you...I just kind of got in a 'I don't feel like writing anything' frame of mind this past couple of weeks. And its not like I haven't had time. I'm kind of hung up right now with a back that is in as bad of shape as its been in for about 3 or 4 years. I'll never forget that last one. I was innocently doing yard work in Pensacola on my rental house (that is still...aggravatingly...sitting there unrented, waiting on the plumbing/city sewer issue to resolve itself) when...while turning to reach for a flat of flowers...felt it basically just leave my body. I fell backwards, on to the ground...and struggled to move for 15 minutes. It took nearly 2 months for it to get back to normal.

I have no idea what the 'magic cure' is for my kind of back problem. Basically...and this came from both seeing an MRI a few years ago...and then seeing X-Rays last week at my chiropractor's office...the back is supposed to be shaped like an 'S'...and mine...is almost a straight line. Which has put all kinds of pressure on the lower back...which is what has resulted in the two discs near the bottom of my spine to become herniated. Sitting there...looking at the pictures, and hearing them tell you about the human body and how it just deteriorates the older you get...I really started to feel old. Well its been about three weeks since I got home from Vegas...and its been bad pretty much the whole time. Somehow I aggravated it while I was in Vegas. It 'went out' on me after one of my 2 mile walks from the hotel to Venetian.

So being at home isn't the worst thing. I get to be with Carley! This little monkey is growing like crazy...and she is so wild. Never stops moving...arms flailing, legs kicking...doesn't like to be tied down EVER. Loves being outside. Crawling all over the house. Trying hard to walk. Loves her mommy, loves me. I don't know how parents just have kids and turn them over to daycare or a nanny. Hell, I struggle with taking her to our wonderful babysitter while I'm out of town. Makes me a little jealous I guess. Something about waking up in the morning and seeing her just sitting there grinning because she is happy to see you? It's a feeling you can't duplicate. To think that you would give someone the chance to have that everyday? I can't stand it. Couples that split up...and try to raise a kid in two homes? Ouch. Its so unfair I would think, to the baby. I mean...maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think so. It feels so good that she knows everyday she is going to wake up to BOTH me and Squirrel...and fall asleep after kissing us BOTH goodnight. It's all I ever want...for the rest of her life. There really isn't anything more important to me anymore...other than supporting the two of them, and making sure we all have whatever we need to survive and stay healthy. I love them both so much.

Leaving the house sometimes simply puts me on LiFe TiLt! The other day...I went to Home Depot to grab some 'stuff.' This means I had to drive 3 miles. Total. Here is what I encounter. Pull into gas station. As I'm moving into my spot...a man comes from the other direction, whipping his car around from the other side...after noticing it was out of order. I was already about 65% into the spot...and he just jams his car right in there....and won't move back. I'm like..."Is this guy fucking kidding me?" I give him that look...you know the one? The one that says..."Are you fucking kidding me?" But he wasn't moving. I thought about it. Hmmm. I have really got nowhere to be today. And if this guy wants a good 'ol fashioned Mexican Standoff...maybe I should give him one. After all...I was always the king of the stare-down...which, by the way, comes in VERY handy in poker sometimes.

So I dug in. Took out my iPad...dialed up 'Words With Friends' and just sat there...waiting. Now his lips starting flapping. Ha ha! Now I've got him on life tilt! I was waiting for him to get out of his car. That would be the tell-tale sign of how long he wanted to drag this out. He finally just backed out...and surrendered. ROLL TIDE!

I fill up with gas. I go to Home Depot. I make my purchases. I leave. (no...not one issue at Home Depot...shockingly) I get to the red/green light there at Cedar Lake. The light turns green (for me) and I start to go, but can't because this lady has decided she is going to run the red light. I hit the brakes...then as she passes...proceed. But oh! Wait a second! Another asshole has decided that he, too...is going to go for it. No buddy. No fucking way. Now...I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of slipping through a little 'yellow-to-red' intersection once in a while. I am. But in a situation where there is heavy traffic? Where your running a red light could result in a very likely accident? No way. Never. And the one that really pisses me off? Is when they run the red light (blatantly) and just so they can get to the other side which is also severely backed up. Or how bout when they just go ahead and block the entire fucking intersection, so NO ONE from the other direction can go at all? 

Well, you know how I am well known for loving to punish the min-raiser? (which...btw, there seem to be more and more by the day) Well I also possess the same passion for pinning people in very awkward and inescapable positions. One of them...would be stuffing an asshole in the early part of the intersection...where he is just forced to sit there...with proverbial pie on his face. So yeah...I made sure I got my car out there and forced him from being able to slip through. Then...I stopped...in amazement...as he started honking at me. Yeah. HONKING AT ME!!! Not...you know, making a gesture to acknowledge having fucked up (how often do you EVER see that?) and maybe giving a little friendly wave. No...this prick was honking at me...and cursing. So what did I do? You know what I did.

Since there were no other cars behind me...trying to get through, I elected to just stop. And stare at him. Didn't say anything. No facial expressions. Just sat there...looking at him. I found it very amusing. The longer I sat there...the more pathetic his expression became. He quit honking. His mouth quit moving. It was beautiful. I had accomplished the ultimate. I had shamed this stupid asshole. I then proceeded through the stoplight...and went home. Ahhh...but not first without encountering....'Mr. CutYouOffToSaveSixFeet.' You know this guy. Right? You're just driving along...medium to heavy traffic (by Biloxi terms...certainly not LA or ATL specs)...approaching a light, where you will be turning right...and as you are maybe four or five cars away from your turn to make a right...here comes THATGUY. There might be 12.5 feet of space between you and the car in front of you. And dickface might be driving a car that is 11 3/4 feet long...but holy shit...he is going to find a way to magically squeeze his macho mobile in between the space in front of you...all without (of course...who are we trying to kid here) using a turn signal. I have a recently purchased Smoothie (don't ask me what damn flavor it was...something tropical) in my hand...and have only had about 1 or 2 sips from it. Yeah...you know where this is headed.

You guessed right. All over the place. What do you do in those situations? Other than curse like a sailor and wish it was legal to place armaments on the front of your vehicle, that you could use if you have what the local authorities would deem 'just cause' when the video tape was removed from your dash cam...and in open court you could show the judge why you decided to launch a Stinger missile at this asshole? Not much you can do...really, except possibly go all road rage...follow the guy like a crazy ex-girlfriend...maybe toss some expired batteries at him. Or use some more traditional (and tired, frankly) classics like the 'drive-by-while-flipping-the-bird' that has never really solved ANY problem in the history of mankind. If anything, it just shows how bony some people's middle finger is. Or just results in the other person calling 'the flipper' a fucking weasel, or a loser...or whatever fun name you decide to use to call someone who resorts to the 'finger flip' as their weapon of mass retaliation.

I had a vision the other day. It was pretty funny. I've been giving some thought...over the past six months or so...into getting into standup comedy. I've been told by people for many, many years now...that I missed my calling. That I should be doing comedy. To them...I just kind of said, "Yeah...whatever." Well...I don't know. I mean, I was training to be an actor for 5 years back in the 90's and even got SOME work (nothing major)...so I do have a little bit of stage presence and know a little bit about working a microphone. And I've found that I just seem to come up with some damn funny material when I'm just doing stupid shit like driving on road trips. When I was walking those 2 miles every day in Vegas? I came up with a LOT of shit. I was thinking...my moniker could be...something like....Will Souther...the Angry Poker Pro. I would probably have to give Monkey some time off. Maybe not, I don't know. I'm sure nothing will come of this...just know that I am thinking about it. I should warn you. I'm Aquarian...and its kind of in our nature to dream a lot...to come up with these wonderful ideas and/or goals...but then to never pursue them. Did a lot of that growing up. Always had these big ideas. Some of them I attempted. Most I didn't.

So...Squirrel is at her little dayshift Christmas get together at the Filling Station the other night. Yeah...since they have different shifts, they have different parties. Very segregationist (this word looks wrong, and its underlined in red...but its not giving me an alternative. So just know that I know this word is probably spelled incorrectly). But I guess it makes sense. After all...who is going to work there if they are all at a Christmas party? Wow...someone wanting that hot tea with lemon that never tips might have a cardiac arrest.

She had been out all day. Carley was with her. I had been at home...watching football, and playing online...on Lock Poker...where I've played a lot this past week. I was in the $11 tourney where 999 (yeah...not 1000, not 998...but 999) started. We were down to about 50. And she was asking me to come get Carley. Shit! Bad timing. Yeah, first was only $1800...but hey...I wanted it. The other night I got 3rd in the $30 late night MTT for $600....it was one of FOUR times I've final tabled that tourney in the last 7 days. Yeah...its weird...I've been running pretty good on there and making a lot of final tables. It's kind of restored my hope somewhat regarding online poker. (not totally...not by a long shot! The same stupid assholes are still on there making their dream-crushing stupid ass plays late in the tourneys) So she wants me to come get tired, cranky Carley.

I give her the prognosis...and buy a little extra time. Then it happens. I see the QQ. Usually my signal that its all over. I raise. Get two calls. Yup. I'm going down. The flop comes J-J-7. Fuck. Check check to me. I bet about half the pot. And clench my ass waiting for the inevitable shove from one of the other two. Nope. Wow. They both fold. Sweet. Now we are down to 35. Starting to get a wee bit excited. A notoriously horrible player on my right min raises for about the zillionth time...and I see 10-10. I re-raise...the shit out of it. It folds around to him...and after tanking forever...fucktard shoves all in. I can't fold. Got too much in. He turns over KJ offsuit. Of course. Lets think about what HE THINKS he might be beating there? Naw...lets not, it will just hurt our brain. He flops a jack. It holds. I have him covered...but not by a lot. I lose the rest with QJh against a guy who OVERSHOVES over my all in from middle position with A7 off. Another quality move. He wins. I lose. 31st place for $41 whopping dollars! Awesome.

So I go pick up Carley. As advertised...very tired. Very cranky. Put her in car seat. And the crying starts. Then shrieking. Oh gawd. Please Carley. Please.....I can handle the crying. But the shrieking? Not the shrieking. I beg you....

I live about (mercilessly) 12 minutes from the Filling Station. She cried the whole way. So while driving had this vision that I was alluding to up there about three paragraphs ago. I was imagining if we were driving somewhere that was 50 miles away or so. In my vision...I see a cop on the side of the road. My radar starts beeping. Ahhh...he has his gun on. He has those flashing red and blue lights on top of his car and maybe in his grill, huh? Carley loves....LOVES...flashing lights. That would definitely make her stop screeching wouldn't it? So (in my little vision/dream) I slam my foot down on the gas...the V8 kicks in (not the vegetable juice, the engine)..and I accelerate from 35 to 70 mph...and as I go by him I try to give him a look (but its dark out) begging him to come and get me! He noticed me! Here he comes! Siren wailing...and there go the lights! And right on cue...Carley stops crying! Oh joy! Sweet mother of love and lobster bisque with delicious oysters on the half shell! The sound of delightful silence washes over me....and I slow it down to 35...and just drive like that...for almost 5 minutes...before the cop starts hollering over his intercom for me to pull it over. Oh yeah...shit, almost forgot he was back there.

I pull over...thankfully his lights stay on...equally thankful are my ears when his siren is turned off. I have found bliss. He approaches. Asks for my license and registration. I hand them to him. He looks at the peaceful look on my face...

"Sir? You feeling okay? You been drinking or smoking any marijuana tonight? You seem a bit out of it?"

"Officer...I have not been doing either of those activities. What I've been doing is listening to that beautiful little angel back there shrieking at the top of her lungs for the last half hour...and as my brain was about to explode, I happened up you! And knowing how much she just LOVES flashing lights...I was 100% certain I had found a way to end the crying. And as you can see...I was correct. I know you aren't allowed to...but if you could just follow me home with your lights still flashing, I would literally pay you $100. As for this speeding ticket you are about to give me? I know...it sucks, my insurance will likely go up...but sometimes, you just have to make sacrifices!"

In my vision...or dream...he enjoys the story...doesn't give me the ticket, and even follows me to my driveway. I know...that last part is very unlikely.

I hear my wife is watching the 'X-Factor.' I can't go in there. If I do, I am afraid I will see or have to hear that little bitch Demi Lovato. I absolutely hate that little shit head. I can only pray...with every fiber in my being, that my daughter doesn't end up like her. Disrespectful, self-centered little asshole that girl is. What? She has been on the scene for two? Three maybe? Years? Boy does she have a mOnStEr SiZeD opinion of herself. And just the way she praddles on and on after a singer is done..I just want to hit her in the face with a frying pan. Meanwhile...I was really looking forward to seeing Brittney on that show...and she is almost always in kind of a vegetative state. You know when your in a board meeting...and your day dreaming...and they ask you to do your presentation...and someone has to bump you? Huh? Oh...yeah. Shit! No...I have never been in that board meeting. But I watch a lot of movies. That is what Brittney looks like every time its her turn to talk. 

Yes...I know. Alabama beat Georgia. We are all very excited about it. I'm not getting wrapped up in a bunch of trash talk. We are favored to beat Notre Dame by 9 or 10 points. So...we are EXPECTED to win. So why talk shit? I just hope we go to Miami...execute the game plan, don't turn the ball over..and return to Tuscaloosa with Alabama's 15th National Championship. And 3rd in 4 years...which is just insane to even think about. Squirrel and I will not be going to this year's game...which sucks. Especially since Claudia...who I took with us to the LSU game...somehow managed to luckbox her way into (ahem) 50 yard line seats in the club level. Yeah...we'll just go ahead and call those 'the best seats in the house.' Am I bitter and jealous? Mmmm..maybe just a little bit, yeah. But I know she will have a great time...so I'm happy for her. And after all..we have Carley to take care of. Last year, Carley got to GO to the game...courtesy of Cheryl's belly condo! But yeah...it would have been awesome to be there...but it will be just as great to watch. I'm not even sure where I will be watching it from. Why?

Well...I have written ALL my letters to the various places that I needed to write letters to. Feel like I've done everything I can. The petition turned out to be really a good thing, and a good idea I think. I got all the names and comments printed out and forwarded them ahead with a letter to the appropriate people, and hopefully everything will sort itself out in the next few weeks. I've also (once again...for the third time now in three years) written the Beau Rivage, asking them to let me come back. That letter went out two weeks ago. I've heard nothing from them yet. As a player who is trying to be more of a father, I would really like them to let me back now...before I didn't care as much. But if I could stay home more...it would allow me to play more of their daily tourneys there and just try to make a living doing that...and mixing in an occasional trip to an event now and then. And of course,  it would be nice to be able to stay at home and play their big upcoming event in January...instead of having to venture off to Choctaw in Oklahoma or the Bicycle Club in Los Angeles. I don't know what else I have to prove to them. I haven't said a negative thing about them in quite some time, to anyone. And they should be able to see that I've changed my tune quite a bit. But I know...sometimes, you create things that are hard to undo. At any rate...I've made that formal request again.

My 16th Annual College Bowl Pool starts this Saturday. Last year we got 156 entries. It's still $50 to play. Pays top 4...and dead last. The leader after 11 games and 23 games both win 10% of the prize pool. And new this year...and in all my pools, I will be awarding a hoodie, to the winner of all my pools, including this one. I also will be running a BCS Title Squares board...with each square going for $50. I filled two of those last year. If you are interested in getting into either of these...or just be added to my pool distribution list...send me an email at ThePoolMonkey@aol.com. 

I think I am done with this post! Hope that was enough to keep you satisfied! Think I will go log onto LOCK now and slip in a late night session!

MONKEY

3 comments:

Larry Lubliner said...

If you have two herniated discs, you need an operation to repair them. Get it done!!!

Larry Lubliner

Deloflats said...

Why have you been gone so long.

Deloflats

Anonymous said...

Monk,

Expect a cooler loss for the crimson tide. Notre Dame will find a way to win. Bama can't pass and ND will stack the line to stop the run. You guys and odds makers are so wrong.

KD