Roses are Red...Violets are Blue...batting .500 is great in baseball, but sucks in Poker.
When I woke up today...and started switching through the channels...I stopped. On the in-house channel featuring this weeks performances at The Riviera Convention Center. Care to guess what incredible, entertainment is being featured here this weekend? I am NOT making this up. Midget Wrestling...featuring the Team Canada vs. Team USA matchup. And the following day...Las Vegas Roller Derby! Wow.
People who drive through the casino in scooters, or Hove-a-Rounds, or Rascals, or whatever you want to call them...need to be governed. And I mean NOW! There is an epidemic of fat people, old people, lazy people, and disabled people breaking out all over the place...and they mostly self-centered...because blazing around on those damn things at 25mph doesn't seem to be an issue with them at all. They're outa control.
Yesterday was another beautiful day in Vegas. It's Memorial Day weekend in case that escaped you. There are thousands of 'pretty people' here this weekend, so when I parked, and walked in...I had to walk past all the people waiting to get into Tao Beach. Reality check: I'm 44 now. And 20 lbs. overweight. Depressing.
I got to Venetian in the middle of level two. At my table was nobody I had ever seen in my life. Oh wait...except Manny Minaya down there in seat 8..who was almost out of chips. I spent the first 15 minutes studying the table. The result? I merely became annoyed. This one kid's face looked like a pike. He liked to do a lot of 4 or 5x three-betting. Then we had the kid in the three seat, with his super dark glasses...who has been watching way too much of Tom Dwan...aka Durrrrrrrr, as I'm pretty sure most of these under-25 assholes have been doing. So they bring it to their game. Why? The...robotic...move like a slug as they make their wager? Are you familiar?
It's just stupid. Then you have dude in the 10-seat...who, anytime someone made a bet, would squint his eyes...furrow his brow...then take on a look of insane curiosity. "You are re-raising ME? What? How? Why?" Then spend a ridiculous amount of time tanking. Then folding. I wanted to take a fire iron and just lay it across his face.
Then there was the guy to my left...who had to be 40-45...but still thought he could pull off the internet clown look...you know, with the gray hoodie on...the stupid glasses...the headphones that had no music coming out of them, who had to pull his glasses down to peek at his cards every hand. What a tool.
Then we had the guy a few seats away who thought he was the white Phil Ivey. The bug eyes...look this way, look that way...ponder...climb into your soul. Jackass.
I sat at this table for 15 minutes and already hated it. Meanwhile I was looking at shit like 9-5, 10-2, J-3...and folding my way to a good, tight, table image. I literally never played a hand for the first hour.
ATTENTION ALL AMERICAN PLAYERS: We here in America...we are called Poker 'Players.' If I have to overhear one more conversation, or see one more Facebook post from someone referring to themselves as 'runners' like they do in Europe, I am going to find where you live...hope you have well water, and poison your water supply. How did this get started? And what has to happen for it to end? Why are you jokers trying to sound 'international??' You aren't! You're a damn American. Whats next? You gonna start calling soccer futbol? Maybe you will just take it up a notch and call Football soccer? Why the hell do the Euros call them 'runners' anyway? When have you ever seen a poker player running? Other than to go to the bathroom in between hands?
If you will study your history books...you will know that our ancestors all jammed into several boats, so they could cross the Atlantic to get away from those idiots over there. Then...when they thought they could bully us around...they sailed all the way over here just so we could kick the shit out of them. So again I ask...why are you bozos trying to emulate them?
IF YOU ARE ON MY FACEBOOK....and I see you use the reference 'runners' at anytime this summer...I am deleting you as a friend. No warning. No explanation. You're just GONE. We call this being 'JY'ed'...and expression made famous by Jason Young, who, incidentally arrives on Wednesday...and a large group of us will be going to dinner and then 'The Hangover 2' which I'm very excited about. Jason likes to whack people from his Facebook when they put what they think are quirky little remarks below his posts, when they are barely eligible to do so. Some of you get on our Facebook list as a mere formality. Know your place. That's all we ask. If we are having a bad day...play 12 hours...and 5 from the money get our AA gets cracked after having four-bet shoved, by a guy with a double chin from Estonia holding 3-4 because "it's my favorite hand" and one of puts some stupid comment below our dejected exit post...there is a very, very good chance that you will be getting 'JY'd' minutes after making your stupid post.
I used to really enjoy watching the Indy 500 when I was a kid. I now find it extremely boring. And Danica Patrick to me is a joke. As are the stupid GoDaddy.com commercials. And GoDaddy's owner is a dick who likes to kill helpless elephants. One thing about Indy cars though...they have much more impressive crashes than NASCAR. Those shitty little Indy cars just disintegrate when they crash...I like that.
My Mariners won again last night...this time beating the All Time King of Closers...Mariano Rivera, in the bottom of the 12th. That's two in a row over the Yankees, 9 wins in the last 10 games...and we now sit just 1/2 a game out of first...and are over .500 finally! Today we go for the sweep with Jason Vargas taking the mound. Go Mariners!
So the tourney yesterday. We started with 12k. I was down to about 8k. I pick up good 'ol QQ under the gun. I raise to 550. Get a caller. Then another caller. Sigh. Then the BB makes it 2200. Great. Here we go again. I call. Other dude calls. Last guy folds. Flop comes 10-7-5 rainbow. Dude in BB leads out 2500. Something about the way he acted before he bet made me believe he was just c-betting that flop...that he might have had either a pair of 8's or 9's or maybe AK. So I re-raise him all in. Other guy folds, he calls...and turns over ACES. Perfect. Ahhhh lovely, and I was out.
I walk over to SNG-Land. I buy into an $80 sng because its the only thing about to start. Its a pretty lousy cast of characters, and I'm expecting nothing. On the fourth hand...and in the SB...it folds around to me. I look at KK. Hmmm. I raise to 125 (from 25-50). The BB re-raises me to 450.
"I'm all in"
He snap calls. With pocket 6's. Hmmm. Interesting. Clean flop. He starts to get up to leave. Oh no. Why do they always do that? You know when they do that, it always ends badly for us. Right? Nothing on the turn. River? 6. Alayna...one of my favorite dealers, gives me the look of "Oh My God Monkey....I'm so, so sorry." It's all good. It happens. The guy was a fool for getting his whole stack in preflop with sixes. After busting me...he busted ANOTHER guy's KK about four hands later...this time with 5-6. Whatever. At least I didn't sit there for 2 hours so I could finish third again.
No...that would happen on the next SNG. A $130. This is getting a little bit old. In my last ten SNG's...I have 2 wins, 7 thirds..and that 9th in the previous SNG. In this one...I would get to three-handed. The short stack wanted to do a three-way chop.
"No thanks! I'm already stuck 3k after two days here...I will play for the full $570 thanks. And if I lose, I lose."
I lost. With him sittin on just three BB's...Georgio...a pretty nice guy who seems to know a lot of people around here...and who liked to limp a lot...limps on the button with AK. For 800. SB shorty completes. I look down at JJ. I shove all in. Georgio calls. And the dealer flops him a King. Of course. And the shortstack backed into a $570 victory. And I had another third place finish.
We'll try again. Another $130. Lost my first two hands and was immediately short. Long story short...I made a huge comeback. It all started, I think...when I put on my baseball hat...which I had yet to wear on this trip. No fewer than 17 people have said something that sounds like:
"Hey Monkey...I didn't even recognize you...you look like you're in disguise...no hat, no goatee (yeah I shaved) glasses...wow."
Well, it seemed to be interfering with my ability to win. So I put on a hat...and glued on a fake goatee...and with three players left...this guy shoves 6k on my BB when we were at 300/600. I call with AKh. He has AJs. And no...somehow he doesn't three-out me, or hit a flush, or a straight...or anything else. He just loses and leaves, and I finally have a damn win on this trip. $650. Cha Ching. Finally.
Just in time to play the nightly. Exact same number of players as the night before. 116. Strange. The previous night...I got 34th. Last night...I did better. I got 18th. It paid 13. Yes...annoying. But at least last night I never had to rebuy/re-enter. So I only lost $120. Small victory.
Did a smart thing after that. Did NOT go play cash game. No idea what to do today. The $550 Main Event at Orleans is today. And I'm pretty sure they have a great structure for that. The only thing about the Orleans...that place freaks me out. It is kind of like New Orleans...in that when you walk out of there you just feel dirtier...and like a worse human being for the experience. Its dingy, and smoky, and the chips are gross. And there are lots of old people, and those damn scooter things everywhere. The only thing missing is the homeless musicians on every corner, and the hookers walking up and down the sidewalk. With their missing teeth and nylons filled with holes. I don't know though...I haven't been over there in a couple years... maybe they've added that.
Today's Venetian event is a $550 also. I figure if I'm going to spend $550 on anything it should be something that if I win will garner me a little poker cred. That would be the (cough cough) Orleans Main Event.
On the other hand...Allie and I discussed taking today off and simply sitting around a pool somewhere gobbling down cocktails and food and playing like Simon and Randy Jackson. That does actually sound fun...but my buddy James Dunning...the guy who's line of cool jewelry I have been advertising (for free) on the right-hand side of this blog...has the hookup at BARE tomorrow, on Memorial Day...for FREE...to sit around, gobble food and drinks, and observe 'things' there too. I am leaning towards playing today and goofing off tomorrow. Plus, Allie is never really known to wake up before 2pm, so if I go play at Orleans...I could be out before 'The Prescott' even opens his eyes. Yeah...that might be the plan.
My refrigerator in my room is freaking tiny...so all this stuff I got at the store is unable to fit in there. Not cool. Not cool at all.
I currently have 24 games of 'Words With Friends' going. I can't start any games on my end. A lot of the people I'm playing are cheaters. From now on...when I even THINK I'm playing a cheater...I am simply RESIGNING from the game...and never playing them again. Those people are stupid.
I hear 'Bridesmaids' is hilarious. From several people. I will be checking that out.
Ladies. Most of the hookers out here wear heals that are 6 inches or higher. If you do NOT want to be accidentally classified as a hooker when you are here getting your 'club on' with your girlfriends, I would suggest keeping your heels under 6 inches. Four is a pretty good number.
I am seeing a major decline in the number of girls wearing boots this summer. That's unfortunate.
We are still having to play 10-handed at Venetian...and the players have NOT gotten any skinnier this year. Myself included. Which is good for the people in the pharmaceutical business. Keep 'em coming boys.
Okay. I'm done here. I have to go to the front desk now and pull off some kind of haggle-magic regarding my room reservation. No details necessary. Hope you all have a nice day. Click the RED CROSS ICON up there in the top right corner and please donate some money today, if you can afford it.