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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

New Orleans. Sneezers. Predictions. Hate. Bitterness.

No! This was NOT the actual sneezer...for if it had been, as a Ginger Kid..he would have had to die on the spot! No, this was merely found by doing a search on 'sneezers.'
Yeah. I will start out this quickie post by saluting the asshole who kept strafing our SNG table last night with periodic sneezing...of which he never even attempted to conceal. Each sneeze I watched with an impending sense of doom. Yup, high on my list of things to hate about people is their inability to mask/hide/cover their sneezing. Its bad enough that you knowingly arrive at a poker game or tourney sick, willing to spread it to your brothers and sisters of the felt. Its another all together to WANT to share your 'germs of destruction' with all of us.

Adam Nash? Are you out there? Are you listening? Your content on your 'You Need to be Punched in the Face' site has been pretty spotty lately...can I perhaps offer up a candidate for fame?

SIDEBAR.  I freaking hate Sugarland. Or..more specificially, that lead singer chick for Sugarland, Jennifer Nettles. I thought maybe it was just that ONE 'nails on the chalkboard' song 'Stuck Like Glue' which also had an incredibly irritating video with her prancing around like she thinks she is the cats meow. But oh no...now I am watching "All I Wanna Do"....a video on CMT...and is it possible? This one might be worse! Look Jenn...you aren't hot. Stop posing in outfits featuring your 34b 'hooters.' They don't look good. Your little short-shorts (too short!) don't make me all hot and want to buy your album. Your facial expressions when you sing? You look like a circus clown. Stop. Just stop! In fact...please quit performing music all together. I'm begging you! If there is a new form of torture being discussed in the secret board rooms of the Pentagon...may I suggest using Jennifer Nettles' songs and videos as a means to extract very sensitive information important to our National Security????

SIDEBAR over. In a second I am going to break down the use of the word 'H-A-T-E' and how it pertains to my blog. Stay tuned for that.

Oh yeah. Back to Sneezer Von Fuck Face. I wake up this morning with a dripping nose. It has now evolved to full-on coughing combined with phlegm in lungs. And yeah...I'm taking my talents to NOLA in about 37 minutes..and I'm going to find that jagoff and present him with a little gift. You may use your own imagination.

Moving on.

HATE. I know. It's a strong word. And often times its misused. Our Mom's and other kind-hearted folks have taught us all throughout our lives that hate is a really strong word...that you should never HATE someone. Blah blah blah...requires too much energy, and all that other stuff. We all agree, right? However, in poker...and I am asking for a special consideration on this one...there are times when to drive home your point on something, you just have to go with the most effective word to illustrate your feelings about something/someone. Yes? And when talking about someone who you would have fun imagining erupting in flames suddenly..its just convenient to say..."Dude...I don't even know why...but I hate that guy!"

Such case arose yesterday. Seated to my right was a nice guy I have played with a few times at the Borgata. As a player...I have no judgement. No important. But he is one of those 'northeasterners' who, I'm almost sure...holds his breath and begs for discipline and patience when he wanders into our neck of the woods....a.k.a. 'Da South.'

SIDEBAR:  Mystery. How do you go from SOLID at 2:28pm to LIQUID at 4:57pm? Weird.

Back to hate. So...sitting in seats 8 and 9 are two very unlikeable rednecks...both playing any two cards. Both getting incredibly lucky. Both wearing stupid outfits, stupid glasses, and sporting stupid haircuts. Every thing they are saying is annoying. Pretty much everything they are DOING is annoying. Enough to make you...yes, HATE them. Now...do you really HATE them? Of course not. You don't even know them. And I'm sure if their house got wiped out by a tornado, I would be the first one to pitch in to help them recover. Are we all feeling me here?

SIDEBAR:  "Pray your brakes go out when you go downhill, I pray your birthday comes and nobody comes, I pray all your dreams never come true, I pray a flower pot falls off a sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to, I pray your flying high...when your engine stalls!"  a little song by Jaron and the Long Road to Love featuring one of my favorites, Jamie Pressley...playing the bitch wife/girlfriend...classic. 

So...I'm sitting here in seat 2 observing these two jokers...one of whom would end up...when we are three handed....beating me with...and this was a fun hand. He limps in from the SB for 600 (300/600)...and calls my all in for 2200 with K8. I have KQ. I also have him covered. He goes runner runner straight. Then starts whooping and hollering.  Mmmm hmmmm. Then he raises with 44. Gets put all in by a guy with AK. Flop comes A-9-K....he rivers a 4. Cue the redneck serenade again. Three handed...he raises on the button. I move all in with 88. BB is priced in and calls with A8. Ugh. My hero has...JJ. I actually hit the one outer...an 8...yeah...but he flops a Jack. Lovely. Yeah...I would arrive in New Orleans...win my first sit n go...nice way to start....and then go on to finish 3rd in a $125....3rd in a $230 with $100 last longer.....and 3rd again in a $230 with the same $100 last longer. So instead of waltzing out of there with close to $2500-$3000 on the day...I showed a $380 deficit. 

Which leads into another category. The category of 'Maurice Hawkins is either psychic or prophetic, or both.' But first...we finish the "I hate this guy" story.

Kai Landry is sitting on my left...or was, after the original guy on my left donked off all his chips. And I mutter...half under my breath...half loud enough for the guy from the northeast on my right to hear....

"I don't know why....nor do I care...but I hate that guy in the 9 seat. I know its not healthy...I know I don't even know him...but everything he does makes me want to watch crows eat him while he is tied to a pole. What is wrong with me Kai???"

The guy from the Northeast starts chuckling. Tells me he 'knew he liked me for some reason' and that I would get along great with him and his buddies. Cool. I feel better. Someone else gets it. Which is what got me onto this topic. Is it okay to want to see some people at your table go over a cliff in a burning bus? With, of course, all the children first removed from it? Or do I need quick, immediate help from a shrink? Maybe a little of both? I am sorry, I really am...but some people are just such huge, gigantic fucking douchebags...that I can't help it. I literally want to never have to see their face again, for the rest of my time on this planet...which, according to a few crackpots in New York, California and a guy in Houston...is going to end this coming Saturday, May 21st...at the hands of devastating earthquakes that are going to result in the destruction of the world. May seat 8 and 9 fall directly into one of those cracks that opens up, revealing hot magma from the layer of Earth called 'the mantle.'

Yeah...this is what I'm talking about...in case you have been living under a rock...feel free to click on this caption to read more about this exciting revelation!
SIDEBAR:  Now watching Carrie Underwood...who's short shorts in this video ARE sexy. And her face while she is singing IS sexy. Her hair is SEXY. Pretty much everything about her is sexy! Why did I ever quit playing ice hockey!!!??? The video? "Cowboy Casanova"

Back to Maurice Hawkins. When taking him and Allie back to their hotel we discussed the merits of shuttling back and forth to New Orleans to just play sit n gos. I told MH that I thought I could make close to $3k just playing SNG's.

"Impossible, Monkey," say MH.

Prescott chimes in "But Mo...are you not aware of Monkey's amazing abilities to destroy sit n gos?"  Half in sarcasm, half in seriousness...as is the way of 'The Prescott.'

Replies Maurice:  "yes...I know, Monkey is a SNG beast. But the way they are set up...lay back, get to four handed, gets to 5 to 10 BB's, and its a coin flipping contest...of which you will lose half or more of, and never win as much as you are supposed to."

To which....I scratched my head...and told Maurice that I was having a hard time disputing this theory..and therefore, would NOT enter into a side bet with him and take him up on such a challenge. And hey...what happens? He totally proves his theory correct....yesterday. I played four...won the first...and get third...three times in a row...when I could not win those important coinflips once we got four handed. I could have went 0-4. I could have went 4-0. I could have went 2-2...and been pretty satisfied. But instead I went 1-3, and was a loser. The below average to average poker player would think he was something pretty special if he could go win/3rd/3rd/3rd...but the 'real' poker player wants to just shoot himself. In the face. With a cannon. Yeah? Yeah!

So...way to go Maurice...you have come off looking like a straight-up genius on this one...unless of course I drive over there after finishing this post...and go about 3 for 4...in two $230's, a $330, and maybe a $550...and walk out of there with $4500 or more. Yeah...that is what I am rooting for. Or...it could be another stupid, annoying drive home, playing Words With Friends on my iPad while I drive...cursing the obvious cheaters and trying to dodge all the various obstacles placed all over I-10 by the road crews who are doing I-don't-know-what to that highway...there are no workers anywhere to be seen, but orange things everywhere. Makes total sense, right?

If there are any lawyers out there who work on a ...whats it called? When you only get paid on what gets recovered? Contingency basis? Is that right? If you think you might be interested in a case that could net you...well, a considerable sum...stay tuned. In ten days...and no more than ten days...there could be a major announcement coming from Monkey Central. One that will be potentially mean soliciting legal representation...and taking offers on a first come, first served basis. Things in my world are coming to a head...and they are either going to be resolved by smart people with something to lose, or they aren't...in which case...the silence will end. The floodgates will open (no pun intended, to those in Louisiana and Mississippi I apologize for the reference) and all hell will break loose. 

Another question. Do you folks realize I am getting 6000-8000 hits a month on this blog? Why aren't people advertising on my blog? Are you nuts? I mean...its not like it would cost a lot? Just saying...seems like someone is missing out on a pretty good opportunity. Inquire within for interest in that department.....ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com  Okay. I have a SNG session to get to. 

Have a nice day! Cover your freaking mouth when sneezing please! Or do what I do! Pull open your shirt...lower your head...and sneeze IN YOUR SHIRT! It's not that hard. People might actually say 'bless you' if your lucky.

Monkey

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

My comments were as follows:
Jack, Jimmy, and Johnny,
i have no way to contact you quickly, but i know you all read this blog.
Played many events with Monkey, and we all know that at times, he acts like an idiot, and a child in an adults body, but has NEVER been a danger to players or staff; and would not harm a flea, unless provoked.
He is definitely NOT the Dark Avenger; i will see each of you in the next few weeks and give you that persons identity.
So why the vendetta? Did his opinions cause you guys to drop the ban hammer? Many players agree with him, but are pussies and afraid to express their thoughts.
So Jack, you are the big cheese, man up, show a little compassion for a rounder, and give him a pass. One day, you all may be begging for players.

have a nice day,
DA

Anonymous said...

congrats Monkey,

DA

Anonymous said...

gg Monk...
How to stay "Unbanned in Vegas".
1. Leave ego in Biloxi.
2. If, and when floor is called to your table, make sure it's NOT about you.
3. After a bad beat by worst player at your table; say "Nice hand sir" - ONLY.
4.. When you bust out; say "Good luck eveyone"-ONLY, and leave table with head up.
5. If anyone pisses you off, just give them that big Monkey grin; say nothing, and exit the building to cool off- ONLY.
6. When it's really bad, and you think your head might asssplode; repeat #5, but visualize stabbing them in the ear with an ice pick.

Good luck, have fun and the $money$ will come.