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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Patience Grasshoppers

I know. Its been a few days. Major dilemma: I have mega blog material overflow. Not sure how to deal with it. But I want you all to know that I am close to addressing this mini-crisis. So if you are freaking out about GAS PRICES....or fired up about the Manny Pacquiao fight, if Tina Fey's performance on Saturday Night Live left you agog...or if the premier of 'THOR' has changed your life forever...I understand that you need feedback. Was my sushi at Chuck's Fish in Tuscaloosa tonight fabulous or just okay? Was my drink tab at CopperTops $130 like it should have been or $20 based on last nights tip? All important questions. Did the levees in Memphis/Tunica really just spring a potentially catastrophic leak today? Or is it just an ugly rumor? Is my wife's back really sore or is it just an invitation to 'stay back, Monkey....stay back!??" 

I know! Overload on steroids huh? Will Animal Kingdom finally break the 2,132 year streak of no Triple Crown Winners? Will the LA Lakers become the first team (98-0 and counting) to come back from a 3-0 deficit to win a playoff series? Will my cholesterol go down to an acceptable level after going on a new medication?

Will 'Is Osama really dead' replace 'Who really shot JFK' as our generation's biggest conspiracy question? Will Greenpeace finally get Japan to quit killing whales for 'Scientific Research (cough cough...bullshit!)'? Is their a difference between a $52 oil change at 'the dealership' and a $22.50 oil change at Jiffy Lube? Does paper really expect to continue competing with plastic?

How many gigantic bugs...the size of small Pterodactyl's, hit my windshield before my aforementioned windshield finally surrenders to the stress placed upon it by the huge insect? These are important (sort of) and compelling (not really) questions...that need to be answered...or at least serve as fodder for my attempts at falling asleep without the assistance of Ambien or a substitute natural supplement, Melatonin? Have I failed to mention yet, in this much I lust for juicy, moist, flavorful beef jerky? If not, I would like to apologize. And ask that people send me beef jerky on a daily basis. And the occasional vanilla milk shake...extra extra thick, please!

Is the war on terror over? Or has it just begun? When is the last time Betty White had sex? If...while posting this entry...I discover that I have lost all feeling in my left leg...should I be alarmed? Or just re-position myself? If a train leaves Dayton, Ohio traveling 52 an Easterly direction...and a train leaves Scranton, PA...going 47 MPH...due to the fact that its old and still runs on diesel...which by the way I hate the smell of (double bad beat- slow AND stinky) in a westerly direction...what time will they reach Las Vegas? 

You are stupid. 

What is the over/under on 'impressive' hurricanes this season?

Have you ever looked UP...and inside...of a tornado? What percentage of the you think....has? If we were playing Card Sharks (the game young punks!!) and the stupid dork on my left said...."blah blah blah...I think that number is going to be really low Gene," or whatever that jackal Eubanks' first name was....I think I will automatically take the under...based on how bad I want to make the dork in the Members Only jacket feel like a complete Pez Dispenser. 

Click Click...mmm.....candy!

Will I be in New Orleans this week for the upcoming WSOP-CE? It shall remain a mystery until the very last second. But...I will say THIS...the turnout should be huge. The structures WILL be excellent...and if I DO show up and play...I will guarantee (I know..that's risky, but I am drunk, and very confident) that I make at LEAST two Final Tables...and NO! That does not include Sit and Gos! Smart ass!

Okay...thats about enough for you addicts. I am now no longer able to keep my eyes open.

Oh! I suck. Worst son ever! I....somehow...just now remembered that TOMORROW (0r today if you are  NOW reading this) is Mother's Day. I now feel even shittier about my life. MOM! I love you! You are NUMBER ONE! Happy Mother's Day! Please don't disown me! Im sorry. Its been a crazy, hectic week. Let me know if you would like me to change my last name. 

To the rest of you?

Good night now....don't hesitate to leave a comment. I like comments. 


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