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Sunday, May 22, 2011

The 'Ol Reverse Good Luck for Allie!

Admittedly...nobody, and I mean NOBODY is quite the master at this as Kai Landry is. I'm telling you...to even attempt this is almost embarrassing...but someone had to do it, and Kai doesn't know Allie well enough to even attempt it.

So...the wedding yesterday was lovely. Beautiful, all those words you hope to use in a wedding. While at the wedding I was repeatedly checking on the progress of my good/degenerate buddy Allie Prescott...who somehow (didn't Moses also part the Red Sea?) has managed to have a pretty impressive week in NOLA.

Well, Allie picked up AA with 10 players left...and Shannon Shorr...who about a year or two ago threw me under the bus...then after throwing me under the bus, took me off his Facebook...and ever since, well lets just say I don't root for him too much and just leave it at that; he happened upon KK. And he couldn't bring himself to fold...and did NOT hit a two outer...he simply left, which elevated Mr. Prescott to the 3rd largest stack of the remaining 9 players.

Now...only 8 players get paid. However, you can say that 9th is getting 10k...because that is what the value is on the entry into the National Freeroll next Friday at Caeser's Palace in Las Vegas. Unless of course your name is Matt Waxman...who I also count as a buddy...not a good buddy...but a buddy. Matt has already qualified...so if he somehow goes out 9th today...well, he leaves with zilch! That would suck.

Last night BG up in Baton Rouge was trying to get Allie's phone number, acting on behalf of Jeremy Gaubert...who BG insists on calling "The Chemist" which is okay I guess since some people just flat out refuse to call me anything but Monkey, right? I guess they were trying to work out some kind of a payout for 9th place. Not sure where that ended up. 

So...without further ado...I give you....my Dear Allie hope your fail miserably salute!!!!

Dear Allie:

Or as your Dad calls you...mooch. Today is a very important day. For 8 guys at the Final Table...all of whom have spent the evening sizing up the other 7 guys. If you played cards half as well as you ignore the fine art of shaving...you might actually win a tournament. Where did you sleep last night in preparation for this big final table? In the street, across from Harrah's, in that elevator vestibule? With the rest of the homeless guys? Where are we now on that green Tulane sweatshirt? Day 6? Have you earned a nickname yet from the NOLA street bums? Something like 'puddin cup' or 'memphis P'??? Now whatever you do...don't make your city proud of you. Go pull a Grizzlies act...make it to Game 7 and lose by 15. Might as well just shove it in there the first time you see 5-8, suited or otherwise. It will only hurt for a little while as Chainsaw drags all your chips into his hole with his possum-like paws. What time will you start drinking today? Or have you stopped from last night yet? Did you even sleep? Or did you and the 'boys' stand around a burning garbage can down on Canal Street roasting marshmellow-rat kebobs? Just do what you do best today...show up three hours late...then sit there with your cold, dead eyes...letting everyone know you would just as soon be at the Westminster Dog Show with your ex-roommates aunt. By the way...that guy was right...you are a douche...a huge douche...who thinks he's like...Brad Pitt or something. Why don't you just NOT show up today...and go shuffle off into the 9th Ward and do something useful for society like throw up a couple houses for that little charity? Seriously, I really don't hope you win today...I'm afraid getting out of makeup might cause you to finally crack a smile, which could in turn...result in the earth crumbling tremors we were told to fear yesterday. Just finish 7th...continue to mope around the planet...and I will see you next Friday in the Freeroll in Vegas...where I plan to whack you early, so you can hurry up and get started getting to know all the Vegas street people. Have a nice day...break a leg. No seriously....break a leg...or both of them. Nothing would make me smile like watching you cruise around Vegas in 110 degree heat in a wheelchair all summer!!!!!

Your Pal,

The Monkey 
 
Okay...I feel as if that should set young Prescott on about his way today in the finest of fashion! Good luck to everyone at the Final Table in NOLA...most of all, that dork up there. ^^^^^  
Hey...does this bother anyone nearly as much as it annoys me? Just curious. When you are sitting at a table...at like...mmmm a bar, or a club...or even...A WEDDING RECEPTION...and someone walks over to your table and drops something on it? Like an empty glass. A finished plate. Wrapping paper. An ashtray. Basically...anything!?? Is it just me? This drives me NUTS! I think its so freaking inconsiderate.

Or here is another one. When traffic is backed up for miles...as yes, it was the other day on I-65...and then there are those assholes who decide its within their right to drive up the right shoulder? Why? Are they somehow in a bigger hurry than the rest of us? And when all of a sudden there is a cop up ahead...and they try to pry themselves back into the lane...and no one wants to let them in, as they NEVER SHOULD...but then that one person finally does? Don't you just want to go fire an RPG at their car? I do. I hate those people.
 
Okay I have to go entertain my little nephews by letting them try to drown me in the pool. Oh in case I forgot to mention it...I sure am glad the world didn't end yesterday.

Monkey

2 comments:

Jennifer Gay said...

"Where I intend to whack you out early so you can go ahead and start getting to know the street bums of Vegas". I can't f'ing breathe I'm laughing so hard.

I want to see a Memphian take this one DOWN!

Anonymous said...

You sir, are a Cockstar! i can't wait for summer- to see you FAIL. i'm so happy- to see you drive 1800+ miles to FAIL.
Good luck Wilbur, you deserve this -upcoming poker implosion.<3!

Ben Gay

does this sound familiar? That was for Allie.