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Sunday, August 30, 2009

WEEKEND BLITZ FROM HELL!!!!

Saturday. First hand. 22. Flop. A-2-J rainbow. Win the hand. In fact, double up. Wow! Is this going to be 'my weekend' finally online? That one I have been waiting for? For so long now?

Its one thing to go cash 4 or 5 times at a circuit event. Its one thing to win a couple huge field tourneys in Las Vegas, win lots of cash...and feel otherwise really good about yourself and your life.

Its another to wish like hell that you could translate what you think are skills to the wonderful game of online poker, and actually click that button that says 'withdrawal' one time. Instead of depositing your $500 or so, and watching yourself run around on the wheel of variance like a rat on a wheel. Laptops get tossed, mouses get thrown at walls, wifes get snapped at, thus causing marital discord, dogs get pushed off the bed when you take YET another harrowing defeat. It never changes. It never stops. They keep coming. Like the zombies in 'Night of the Living Dead' the bad players just keep coming....walking....slowly...arms lifted...blood dripping from every orifice...longing to suck out on you....calling your name.

"Monkeyyyyyyy.....Monnkkkkkeeeeeyyyy......I dont care if you have AhKh....I dont care if I got busted trying to squeeze raise with 2c6c....monnnnkkkeeeeyyyyyyy....I'm gonna look you up with your 4x re-raise of me........aaaaahhhhhhh....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."

That's right. Hand #2 of the day. That was the one. Flop? A-3-10, one club. I bet out...quite a bit...because this is POKERSTARS bitch! now in real life...I would bet maybe half the pot there. Oh this is a different animal though, huh? Zombista calls. Yep. With 2-6. He has completely MISSED the flop. The turn brings...Ahem....the K of clubs. Now most GOOD players are probably checking here right? Thinking, "hmmmm, he must have an ace, eh? I suppose by checking here, I might cause him to think I was merely running a continuation bet, and me not betting here may just possible induce him to bet, and probably too much, and then I can take all his chips."

Right? Aren't all of you GOOD players thinking that? Well. You would be SPOT ON. However, again, I have to stress, we are on Pokerstars. It is Saturday. Nothing in my poker life can ever compare to the mental stress that is endured on the numerous Saturdays that I have labored on this mother(*#Q# site. And what I really love, is when that assshole will type into the chat bar....

"hey if you hate it so much, go play somewhere else."

If anyone know where this prick lives, please email me his address, I would like to walk up to his door, ring his doorbell, and when he answers I want to immediately punch him in the throat. IF he gets up, I am going to hand him a grenade. Then I am going to pull the pin and run like hell.

Dude. DO NOT THINK for ONE SECOND that I have not TRIED to play on other sites. Full Tilt. Ultimate Scam. Absolute bullshit. BoFag. Yeah I've tried them all. There is NO traffic on those sites. You wait forever for a game. And the players are just as bad. If not worse. There is ZERO difference in the play on any of the sites. Its just straight up an ONLINE thing. And I do NOT know why. I've tried to play Ultimate Bets satellites to try and save the 5k buyin for Aruba...but fuck ME, there arent ANY PLAYERS playing those. I expect UB to qualify about 10 players through the online alley.

Back to this hand. AK.....with two pair on the board. I have been watching this fool for quite some time, and have determined that he calls EVERY bet...so I figure I may as well put in another one. And larger. So I do. Well, he NOW has a club draw so of COURSE he's calling now. In fact, I am shocked that he didn't move all in! The river....this is where it gets quite funny. He rivers the 5 of clubs. I am planning to check call now. Which is what I do. Only one problem. He doesnt bet. He checks! Huh? And wins with his 26 flush. I hurl something across the room.

On another completely different note: Do you people read Wild Bill's blog? The one on the top left corner of the front page? If you are interested in brushing up on some big words, and some insight into our political process, as well as some of his opinions on our current domestic issues, I would highly recommend checking it out. Bill and I are a lot different personalities, I am pretty loud and boisterous (at the table) and he is very calm/mellow. The casual observer would never 'make us' for friends. Sort of like Allie Prescott and I. What they (the people who don't really know me, like the pricks who like to assassinate my character on here with their 'anonymous' comments) don't realize is that I am about as placid away from the table as a labotomy patient. Anyway...that was a sidebar. Bill is very smart. Not sure where he went to school, or what he majored in, but hes very articulate, and he even works some humor into his blog. If you can just work your way around the poker blather (which I hate reading in ANY blog) there is a goldmine of reading there.

So...this weekend, yeah. I started on Saturday with $474.32. Right now...Sunday at 6:39pm, I have $406.63. I must have played, I would guess...150 MTTS and/or SNGs in the last two days...and for my efforts I have lost 68 dollars. That is awesome. I won't bore you with details of my wonderful assrapes, but they have been plentiful. K10 continues to torment me. The best I think was when this lady, who had been shoving like a claustraphobic mental patient at a rock concert shoves 2360 (with blinds at 100/200) in this $22 MTT, and I have KK in the BB. Hmmm...I sort of have her K10 dominated. Flop? Anyone? Come on....you can do it.....this is EASY!

J-Q-9

Um. I think that makes a straight.

Then there was this one. I am second in chips, in a $33 sng, with 45 players...and 8 left. 7 get paid. I pick up AA UTG. I like to limp here, hoping that a smaller stack picks up something 'he has to shove with' and does that. But instead what I get, is the ONE guy who has me covered going all in. And turns over 10-10. Which I hate. I hate it whenever that player has ANY pair. Have anything...AK, KJ, A10, QJ...ANYTHING...just not a pair. NOT deuces...not 6's...no PAIR! What happens? He hits a fucking 10. And I go out on the BUBBLE! Instead of having a RIDICULOUS amount of chips...with 8 left...and a shot at $300...I get....oh yeah, NOTHING!

I would get deep this weekend. OFten. Quite often. Pretty sure if you 'check my stats' (as all of these assholes like to always challenge you to do.....'check my stats man!!! ) you will see at least ten cashes this weekend. But none that get you excited about the bills I have to pay in the next couple of days. You know that feeling? When you pull a nice 10k score or more...and your bills are like $3200...and you can't WAIT to pay them? Yeah.....not feeling that.

FUCK ONLINE POKER! Oh, but you can be sure that I will be right back on there! because like that animal in the science experiments, who goes after the food, despite getting greeted with that electric shock....I can't resist! Bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzaaaappp! OUCH!

CALIFORNIA 6, CHINESE TAIPEI 3 ! SUCK ON THAT FUCKERS!

Monkey...at home, playing online poker, drafting fantasy football teams. Squirrel, conned into helping Gabe and Claudia move all their heavy shit to their new house (which I already told her, two weeks ago...to NOT let happen, us being 'invited' to help them move) all day.

I think we must score this one MONKEY 1, SQUIRREL 0.

Folks, listen. First of all, its not bad enough that I have a bad back (herniated disc) and a bad knee (courtesy of recent chair that I kicked across the room in New Orleans) that is going to require surgery and am now 42 years old. Thats one thing. But the other? It wouldn't matter if I was 18, in awesome shape, and was looking for an excuse to walk around with my shirt off showing off my killer abs like Matthew McConaughey cruising around whichever beach he's on at the time. None of that would matter. Okay, maybe if I was single, and the 'friend' I was helping move was some smoking hottie who I was 97% sure was going to 'give it up' at the end of the day. Maybe THEN! But only then! Moving is something you DO NOT ASK YOUR FRIENDS to help you with. You just don't. It's not cool. Because its one of those guilt things.

If you friend calls you at 3am, from jail...needing a ride, or to be bailed out...you HAVE to go right? Same with running out of gas. Or needing a ride cuz they are shit faced drunk. There is that inner feeling of guilt..."jeezuz, what if I say no?" You are in a no-win situation. You can't win this one. They ask you to help them move...you say no....they think you are an asshole now. Right? Thats really fucked up. They are an asshole for ASKING you. They have these things called MOVING COMPANIES. You can find them in the yellow pages. You will NOT find "Flat tire helpers at 3am" or "Out of Gas rescuers", "Buddies to Bail You Out, Inc," or "Driving You Drunk Is Us." Nope none of those are in there. But there ARE people that WILL come help you move. CALL THEM! I would even be willing to chip in for them. And come over and sit and drink a beer with you. While we watch these guys load up the moving van.

REMEMBER this when its time to move. I pledge to you guys...ALL OF YOU...no matter how TIGHT we ever get...I will NEVER, EVER ask you to help me move.

Squirrel should be home soon...can't wait to see what kind of mood she's in! I have a prediction though. Its going to be a night spent in the living room.

Joined a gym yesterday. Planet Fitness. Joined it online. Last day to take advantage of their 'special offer.' Now, what is the over/under on days that will pass before I step foot in there? Now taking side bets.

My pools are filling up REALLY FAST! I finally got my online web guy to build me a template for my $50 NCAA SURVIVOR POOL...which starts THIS weekend! Sweeeeet! Football is here!
Now, all of my pools run on www.officefootballpool.com Wanna get in? Here is the info for everyone. If you do this, first thing to know is that you NEED to SET UP a USERNAME before you start trying to join pools!

NCAA SURVIVOR POOL / POOL ID# 50515 PASSWORD: poolmonkey
NFL Big100 SURVIVOR POOL/ POOL ID #36254 PASSWORD: poolmonkey
NFL $25 SURVIVOR POOL / POOL ID #36217 PASSWORD: poolmonkey
NCAA/NFL CONFIDENCE POOL/ POOL ID #36221 PASSWORD: poolmonkey

In both of my NFL Survivor Pools, you get a ONE TIME rebuy if you lose in the first 6 weeks. We usually get about 75% of the field rebuying. Last years $100 pool winner got $14,500. Nice. The Confidence Pool I think is my favorite pool. Every week I select the best games...usually about 7 NCAA and 7 NFL games...you pick a winner of every game (no spread) and then assign a confidence rating...1 being least confident, and 12 or higher (depending on the number of games that week) being the most confident. Each win gets that many points. Each week there is a winner. And the season overall winners (1st-3rd) also win money. Its a great pool. In fact, all my pools are great. And every year now for almost 15 years I have a great bunch of people who play them.

And oh...for you haters out there, who think this might be YET ANOTHER WAY TO SCREW ME??? You will be dissappointed to find out that I don't take a 'bookies cut' for running these. Ha! In fact, I report all monies that I win through my pools. So, sorry. Keep diggin though, I'm sure you will find something!

Uh Oh...there goes the garage door opener. She's home. Time to wrap this up. I think things are about to get ugly!!!!

MONKEY

BTW: Just broke the record today for hits in one month! Thanks everyone!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Can't Think of a Good Headline

How is that for a headline?

There are a couple that come to mind, but none of them will probably serve to assist my current case against Harrah's. So I opted for that one.

It's Friday. I haven't made an entry in almost a week. I've been reminded about this by about 6 of you. Wow. People 'jonesin' for a Monkey Blog. Interesting. I just crossed over 5000 hits this month. Sweet. Might as well go for the record. 5362. Set last month. Three days to do it.

Watching "The Perfect Storm" on HBO. What is it about this movie? I never get tired of watching it. Its based on a true story. I wonder how much of what they portrayed during their actual 'voyage' really happened? The guy going overboard. Them catching all those fish. I mean, how would anyone know? The boat and the crew were never found. Did some script writer just make it all up? I know one thing. It makes me never want to be out at sea during a hurricane.

Stanley Steamer came yesterday. Guess Cheryl got tired of the house smelling like animals. Two rooms, $175. Damn. But it does look a lot better.

Got my broken crystal monkey back from Swarovski today. The one with the yellow bananas flung over his shoulder. Cost me $140 to buy. $55 to get fixed. The good thing was that I got a new foam encased box to keep him in, maybe I will quit breaking it. That's twice now that one has gone back to Toronto to get fixed. Total cost, one crystal monkey, $250.

Did you know that in Rhode Island, girls only have to be 16 to work in a strip club? Also, and this is pretty creepy...there is a long-standing law in Rhode Island where prostitution is 'legal' if it is conducted 'indoors.' What? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I predict a '60 Minutes' feature coming.

Who has one of those drawers, or file cabinets, or just a box...where you manage to accumulate shit...for months, and months...and even...years? Old cell phones, old chargers, batteries, headphones, office supplies, trinkets for you car? You know...everything imaginable. A drawer where if you added up the cost of everything's original price you could most likely buy groceries for three months? Yeah, I have one of those. Two black file cabinets. Sat and weeded through it yesterday, for two hours. Why? Was looking for a wine opener. Found that. Almost everything else got tossed. One man's junk another man's treasure? Well, some dude hit the motherlode last night or this morning at the city dump!

Companies who make sod do NOT sell sod in the months of July and August. Does this make sense? Their reason? It sits around and burns up. Why? Because the stores like Home Depot and Lowe's can't buy it in any fewer than 7 pallet drops. Great. So my dog Mollie has destroyed my back yard. I spent hours chopping it up, filling in the holes, spreading it and flattening it all out...so I could go get about a half a pallet of sod and fix my yard. NO SOD. So now...I have a yard of half grass, half dirt. Hey sod companies, SELL THEM two pallets at a time, put 10 pallets on your trucks and drop 2 pallets each at 5 locations. How stupid.

ACE COMBAT 6 on Xbox360 has been conquered. Level 13, 14 and 15 took me an eternity to beat...but finally after playing from 2am to 10am Tuesday night/morning....I finished it! You know that feeling you get when you have finished a good book. It's just....OVER? You feel kind of empty? Alone? Sad? Same kind of feeling. It's okay...I have other games to go and destroy. But Ace Combat was really a kick ass aviation game. I'll miss it.

Okay if you've read this far without clicking on KILL ME at the bottom and awaiting another one, I commend you, and now...I will give you the dirt.

POKER STUFF (a.k.a. bullshit)

Beau Rivage. They STILL have not called/emailed/texted/Facebooked me to let me know if I am allowed back in there. I have no idea what the delay is. I really don't. It would sure be nice to let my backer know what my poker plans are for the next month and to make travel arrangements. I mean, what? We are down to like, less than a week before the event starts right?

Whoa, just realized I have a Fantasy Football online draft about to start. Knew it was 7pm...didnt know if that was ET or CT...just looked, CT...good, 48 minutes till it starts, just long enough to finish this.

Anyone notice that two guys from the November Nine made the Final Table at the Main Event at the Legends tourney in L.A.? That's pretty damn impressive, I'd say. Gives the WSOP event a little more 'prestige' now. Kind of like Demidov last year, in between, going to Europe and Final Tabling that event. Some good players are making the Final Tables now I think, due to the great structure of the Main Event. I've always said, and I will continue to say...if you give players that are good a great structure, then they can weather the storm of bad players and bad luck and still win. Which brings up a pretty interesting point.

Hmmm...I have to present this carefully. Somebody I talked to didn't like seeing their name in my blog, even though I talked very highly of them. So I will call him...Mr. X. Mr. X and I were discussing structures. His concern was that since he left his old employer and joined his new one that his structures were amongst the best in poker. That no one complained. Until just lately. I agreed with Mr. X. His structures WERE good. WERE being the operative word there. Just like anything in human existence though, there is a degree of evolution that occurs in just about everything, poker included. Texas Hold'em is not a very old game. It has just recently been played by millions of people. I think through trial and error you eventually figure out what the 'ideal' tournament structure is where you can accomplish the goal of (a) offereing the players a good product and (b) assuring the top players, skill-wise, of a chance to make the Final Table on a regular basis.

When I first got in my car and drove to Tunica (grrrrrr) to play my first official WSOP circuit event back in 2004, I was buying into an event for $340 and getting 1500 chips to play with, with half hour blind levels. Maybe it was 40 minute levels. Anyway...1500 chips. It was a joke. But I didn't know it was a joke at the time, because 1500 chips then was normal. You had your cash game players, who went in trying to chip up early or get back to their cash game. So they were very aggressive. Raising a lot. Moving all in a lot. Making people really decide..."do I want to gamble here?" Then you had your super tight guys like me (at the time) sitting there waiting for AA or KK so they could hopefully double up and stay around. There were only a couple ways to play these tourneys. I would cash often. But never very deep. You were always one bad beat away from being out. That wasn't poker.

Poker, that is what we have now...at some venues. More and more as time goes by. Starting us out with between 6000 and 10,000 chips in $1000 events and less, and 10,000 to 25,000 chips in events over $1,000. Levels that are 40 to 60 minutes in length on the lower buy ins and 60 to 100 minutes on the higher buy ins...complete with ALL the levels..

.( 25/50, 50/100, 75/150, 100/200 w-25, 150/300 w-25, 200/400 w-50, 300/600 w-75, 400/800 w-75, 500/1000 w-100, 600/1200 w-100, 800/1600 w-200, 1k/2k w-300, 1200/2400 w-400, 1500/3k w-500, 2k/4k w-500)

You get the idea. We have FOUND our IDEAL structure for tournament poker. There really isn't much more need for tinkering. This is what all GOOD players (with very few exceptions) are looking for, and it's what the game requires to make it just that...a GOOD GAME. For as much as I HATE online poker...due to the influx of gawd-awful players and software designed to reward terrible players with huge suckout beats and late tourney bad beats....I will say this: They have KILLER structures. The days of people running tourneys with bad structures just need to end!

A lot of casinos are running nightly tourneys designed to be 'quick hitters' where they 'get em in and get em out' as fast as they can. Those tourneys, in a word, SUCK. I just don't get them. Especially in poker rooms where they aren't even full. Looking around the room and seeing 4 to 8 open tables, and playing in a hyper-turbo tourney, makes me puke. But then again...if you are showing up to play these things, you are just perpetuating the problem. So don't complain about it when you get there. I've quit doing that, while I am there playing them. If I do go to play one of those...I go KNOWING the structure is dogshit...and just taking with me a sense that I am about to donate whatever the buyin is to whichever fish gets lucky that night, very infrequently am I ever that lucky fish.

So there ya go! My diatribe on "what makes poker GOOD and what makes poker SHITTY." Any questions?

HARRAH's NEW ORLEANS. And this week's shitstorm. Then I have to go draft my team. I have 19 minutes to finish this. Meanwhile, Billy and his crew are about to get hit by the last wave and all die....

First this. I wonder who the haters are out there and their reasons for trying to fuck me. Is it that they truly hate me? Or do they just hate that I win tourneys and get to enjoy that. So they go out of their way to do everything they can do to fuck me? Are they miserable human beings? Is it jealousy? Do their kids hate them? Is their wife fucking the milkman or the boy at the video store who is so 'interesting' and gives her the attention she craves? What is it? Did their dog bite them after toying with a rabid raccoon and now they are suffering neurological episodes that preceed the eventual full blown rabies? I don't know. I do, however really want to understand what energizes some of these pathetic fucks to sit down, and write an email to the manager of Harrah's New Orleans 'informing him' that a guy named Monkey was '86'd this summer at Ceaser's Palace in Las Vegas, and Monkey claims he was only 86'd at Harrah's west division. But he thinks that Monkey should REALLY be 86'd at all of the Harrah's and can he please 'look into this.'

Why do I say this? Well, because that is EXACTLY what happened. Some asshole emailed Larry Barnett from Harrahs over there. How did I find this out? I will tell you. BTW, this just became another ridiculously long entry I think. Before I start...I will say this. I LIKE LARRY BARNETT. Have nothing, zero, nada...zipppppo reasons for being mad at Larry over this.

Keith had been hounding me to go play the Wednesday 'noon' tourney at Harrah's for weeks. Due to my inability to go to sleep before 3am every night, I was never able to pull it off. I pledged to him on Tuesday that I would definitely go this week. So I set my alarm for 9:30am. I actually got up, got ready, and went. We drove over. We arrived at 12:05pm. A perfect Monkey Tourney arrival time.

That's about the time we hear..."players and dealers, at the conclusion of the hand blinds and antes will be going up." Huh? I look up. Level 4. Godaaaaaaaaamn it Keith! I THOUGHT their tourney started at 11am. But Keith insisted it started at noon. Well it didn't. Great. I was ready to leave. Fuck it. But for some reason, I caved in and decided to play some 1/2. Wild Bill, he of the new baby, and early exit from the tourney with KK vs. AA...was at my table. I bought in for $300.

Aggressive table. And also very tight table. Strange combo. Well, there were three really horrible, aggressive players. I was missing every flop. Got down to 240. I was willing to be patient, knowing I would felt one of these three guys if I ever hit a flop. That finally happened. I was up to 600. Nice. You all know the drill here. That was when I should have left. Ahhhh but then I would have missed out on all of Harrah's BS shenanigans. Oh and BTW, let me say this...I had made the decision NOT to write anything about this for several days...for two reasons.

(1) to not give you fucking haters who read this more ammunition to scream out "I told you so Monkey! I told you that you were banned from ALL Harrahs! Ha! Good luck finding a place to play...sounds like your almost out of places to play...hahahaha". Yeah you people have your own little private chat room to circle jerk each other, I know.

and

(2) I didn't want to bash Harrah's here. Mainly because I like a lot of the dealers and tourney supervisors over there, and they did just run an excellent tourney this May, and the one in December (tentatively set for Dec 8th to 20th I learned while there) looks to be equally good. I thought that as assinine as this story is ( that your about to hear)...that surely their head guy there would get this cleared up ASAP...thus preventing me from having to reveal to all of you just how FUCKED UP they are over there.

Back to the cash game. I told this guy I would write about him. Seat 10. Black kid. Very nice kid. Sitting there with a poker book. And dice. Pretending to read the book. Rolling the dice in between each decision on a hand. Reacting to the numbers he rolls. I had NO idea what any of this meant. If, in fact it meant anything at all. A black lady in the 1 seat would give him chips over and over again. She was terrible. She was nice too. I felt bad for her when she finally busted. She bought in three times, all for $100 (really a terrible 1/2 strategy we've discussed here before!) and she would bust three times. At one point, after losing another hand to the kid, she said, "That's how your gonna treat your Mother?" and it got me to wondering...'is that really her kid?' Strange.

Well, somewhere between the time I switched seats to go sit next to Bill and get away from the guy at the table behind me who kept slamming his chair into the back of mine...and the time I lost 400 of my 600 chips when my KK lost..after raising, getting called by BIG LOOSEY down there in 8 seat...with AJ...getting a flop of J-8-5, two hearts...betting, getting raised by Big Loosey, putting him on a flush draw...calling...fading the turn heart, but which was another J...and moving all in...only to get called. Duh. He had AJ. FUCK....oh yeah, in between those two events, the kid in the 10 seat switches from the dice to a mini flat-head screwdriver, and starts scraping all the paint and dirt off all of the white chips.

I notice this, and ask what he is doing? Cleaning them? Nope. Just a nervous tick. Guy next to me, who remembers me from long ago, and is literally telling me that I used 'to live in Montana, that I had a dog named Pepper, who died...and then I planted a pepper grove over her burial site in the back yard in Pensacola.....' all true, wow...now says 'wow, you are THAT guy? I've sat at a table after you've played at it before, and wondered what in the hell was all over the table when I sat down to a pile of white flakes everywhere. Yep. This was a fun table.

Here comes Larry. And your story that you have patiently been waiting for. My draft just started. But I have the LAST pick so...I have more time. Wow, 12 team league...wonder if any STUD will be left at pick #12? At least I have the #1 pick in the 2nd round. WOW! The #1 pick was Adrian Peterson. What a shock! (not) Now this was a shocker. #2? Maurice Jones-Drew, followed by Drew Brees? I don't mind Brees there, I guess...but Jones Drew at #2? Weird.

Back to Larry. Larry got an email. Already told you that. Something about someone saying I am supposed to be 86'd from their. I told him EXACTLY what happened at Ceasers in June. I also should add this. Two weeks ago, my buddy called his host to inquire if I was okay at Harrah's. Gave him my players card number. Yep. Fine. That day (this Wednesday), we went over to his OTHER friend, who is a freaking Table Games Floor Manager, gave him my players card...and had him check it out before I even attempted to play there. NOPE! Nothing. Not even showing an 86 in Vegas! Which really makes me wonder if I was EVER EVEN trespassed there. After all, they are supposed to send you (by certified mail) a letter stating as much. No such letter has arrived here at Casa de Monkey.

[Faced with taking Frank Gore and/or Stephen Jackson back to back or taking Tom Brady and Larry Fitzgerald...I again (like last year) took the top two skill guys, another year of no good running game]

So...equipped with the comfort of not facing the 86 thing, I sat and played cash game. So when Larry informed me of this email, I wasn't really concerned, but did feel the need to explain it to him. And told him about the pending nonsense at the Beau Rivage. Well, he decides to 'go investigate the matter with security, just so he can make sure everything is cool so I don't have any problems in December.' Whatever man. Do what you gotta do.

So he comes back. About half an hour later. Trailing Charles Goodson, who works for security, and requests my presence. Hmmm. Whats up Larry? "This is Charles...blah blah blah." Yeah yeah...whats up Charles. 'Well, sir, it doesnt say why, but there is an '86 on you in our system but its from November of 2006, not sure what it was for, but it is still in there.' WHAT? Oh, well Charles, that would be from the worst day of my life in poker. See, I got one-outed that day three times, Two outed 4 times. Rivered a total of 23 times. Lost two tourneys, and 11 SNG's. On the last one, after having this little Asian chick 4 to 1 when we went heads up...she sucked out on me on the river THREE times in a row. I flung my cards in the air, walked away from the table...down the stairs, to a booth in the theater...took my hat off (my favorite hat at the time) and threw it in the air. It never came down. Players in the SNG's laughed and clapped. It was lost. Stuck in the false ceiling where the lighting fixtures reside. Thats when a security walks over and informs me that I have to leave. But only for the night. I almost kiss him. You mean...I don't have to stay and keep getting the shit kicked out of me by the poker gods? Really? But just out of curiousity why am I being made to leave? He couldn't give me a reason. No one could. No one wanted to take accountability for having me tossed for the night. It was funny, and just added to the hilarity of the entire day. But it was expressed that I was welcome back the next day. No paperwork. NONE. Just a 24-hour ban. Those were pretty prevalent at this year's WSOP in Vegas. The one day ban.

But I didn't even go BACK the next day. I figured as bad as I was running, and as retarded as they just handled THAT...I was recieving a sign from somewhere that I should get in my car and just get the hell out of New Orleans, which is exactly what I did. I went home!

But I would return to New Orleans. For other events. Finished 3rd in a big event there in 2007. Then in 2008 had back-to-back 2nd place finishes. Acted like a good boy. No problems. Had fun. Cashed again 3 or 4 times this year in May. Again, no issues. Aside from me kicking a chair and blowing out my knee. But that was between ME and a CHAIR. Pretty sure Larry even laughed at me over that one. Oh there was the ONE accusation I got that I had taken someone's picture (a woman's) and posted her on here and clowned her. Kind of tough though, considering I had not taken any pictures, even showed Larry all the pictures in my phone. He sided with me on that one. I left New Orleans in May on a good note. Handed out some thank you cards and tips to staff members and got ready for Vegas.

At no time was I EVER approached by security about an existing '86 on file. And hmmm, I'm pretty sure that during those two and a half years worth of tournaments I walked in the front door (didn't sneak in through the employees' entrance), right past their facial recognition software, and swiped my players card...that has MY NAME on it probably somewhere close to 200 times.

So when I tried to explain all this to Charles...he handled it like most people I try to have a normal conversation with when I'm ever in New Orleans. Badly. Didn't matter that I stayed calm. Didn't matter that I tried to offer ideas on how to handle this stupid situation. When I asked him to escort me to the office of the person who could fix this, I was told that I had to WRITE A FUCKING LETTER or make a phone call. Yeah a phone call. I called the number he gave me that day...which is supposed to be to the office of the casino's VP of GAMING OPERATIONS, David Pipkin. I called Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I got a voice mail. For a girl (his assistant) named LaKreisha...spell it however you want. LaKreisha's voice mail states that she works for Mr. Pipkin and also offers to the world that she has 'stepped away from my desk.' Where did she step away too? Australia? I've left 4 messages now. Both detailed and short. I've heard NOTHING back. When I asked Charles, "Say man...how is it that a 24 hour ban, that happened 3 years ago...isn't just that? A 24-hour ban? Why would we even be talking about this now?" You know what he said? "Well, it should have been taken out of the system, but it wasnt, so you have to go to the right people who can get it taken out for you." Common Sense in New Orleans? Child Please!

What planet am I living on? Listen, my IQ, after doing numerous tests throughout the years is somewhere between 135 to 142. That is significantly above the norm, but not close to genius level. I am finding it increasingly difficult to leave my house and interact with fellow human beings due to the fact that I am almost certain that 85% of the current crop of morons floating around out there are operating on an IQ of less than 40. I think now, that I understand why Albert Einstein was such an introvert and why (alledgedly) in his later years he went berserk mentally. I seem to be almost always finding myself leaving New Orleans, driving over that elevated roadway as you leave town, and fantasizing about (and I know this is sick, and I apologize to those of you who I like, and who I know live over there) a nuclear device suddenly going off and the entire city being leveled. If there was a way to evacuate all the wonderful people of New Orleans first...and then doing it...I would say ' let'er rip!'

So that is where I now stand with Harrah's. Harrah's West, Harrah's East, North, South...fucking Harrah's Inter-galactic! So to that guy who insisted that I was really out of ALL Harrahs (and who I suspect of writing that email, which btw, Larry told me, was sent anonymously, although Larry also had a good laugh as his email address, with his name as part of the address, was displayed) took it upon himself to make this a reality. Congratulations Hater! In that breath..this too was kind of funny. Charles Goodson, security 'extraordinaire' wrote the names of the people I needed to call on the back of his own business card. He scribbled out HIS name (for some stupid reason) but left his email address on the bottom, which of course was cgoodson@harrahs.com Now how funny is that? Why did he cross out his name? Is he doing something he isn't supposed to be doing? Well, its a good thing I won't be able to figure out that I talked to him....Charles Goodson. "Sir, we have an IQ test we would like you to take for us, please."

I'm done. And my draft is almost over. Luckily, I have three more teams to draft...come Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Then Tuesday I go to the doctor finally for my physical, to find out how many ways I might be dying in the next five years. I'm certain my cholesterol levels are off the charts. What else might I be suffering from? Guess we will find out. I really don't expect to hit 60.

[T.Brady/J.Addai/T.Jones/L.Fitzgerald/B.Berrian/J.Shockey/R.Birondas/NYG D ] Hope I find some good bench guys.

See ya.

MONKEY

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Hmmmm...is my Phone Broken?

Well, that meeting at the Beau must be running long. Still havent heard a peep back from Ken or anyone else at the Beau Rivage. A guy who plays in my pools called me yesterday. Find out he has known Ken for about 20 years. Wow. Guess he put in a call for me. That was pretty nice.

Regardless of what happens, went ahead and booked a ticket to Atlantic City yesterday to play Borgata. I leave here on the 12th. So even if I do get let back into the Beau, it won't be a real big deal. I will play the Beau...and change my flight if need be, and get up there a bit late. So either way, I WILL BE playing some poker. LIVE poker. This online poker BS is about to make me crazy.

Back 'in the day' I used to play 50 to 60 hours a week online. And I would literally sit on an online bankroll of between $200 and $1000 consistently. Balance would just go up and down, up and down, back and forth. Joke. Waste of time. I don't know how I didn't kill myself. I've only been playing now maybe 15 hours a week. I just find no desire to get on there, because I almost always KNOW how its going to end. I am going to lose with AA to a guy with J5 making 'a move' on me. Over and over and over. There arent enough ugly comments you can type in the chat bar. And when you do, who cares? What does it change? They suck. They know it. They don't care. You just lost...again. With the best hand. The longer I play online, the more hopeless it makes me feel, like I have NO REASON to keep playing poker. Like its not even a game anymore. Like...its...ROULETTE.

But alas, then I go play a live event. And everything changes. Ahhhhhh. Wow, people actually WILL fold. People actually DO respect their chips. People really DON'T want to just ship it with junk every other hand. And wow, there are those physical tells that online doesn't possess. I just LOVE playing live tournaments. To hear people say "That guy sucks at online, he can only play live tourneys," I don't get that. Oh you mean, I am good at poker the way poker was supposed to be played? Wow, what an insult. When I hear someone say "That guy is amazing...he KILLS online!" why am I supposed to respect THAT guy? To me, that means he is utilizing some tool to cheat other players. Because I am sorry, no amount of SKILL is going to make you an ONLINE POKER WIZARD. Cheat software on the other hand? That will make you a true genius.

I made an amazing discovery yesterday. I hadn't used my UB or my Absolute accounts in over 6 months. Well, I am planning on going to Aruba this year...so I thought I may as well try to take a stab at some satellites. Plus a guy who is playing in my Football Pools wanted to pay for his entry through UB. Fair enough. Went to log on. Wouldn't let me in. Hmmm. Tried to log into ABS...same shit. Huh? Noticing I have to call the SAME number. Thats weird. Finally got it resolved. Guess I got locked out due to a lack of play. Wish Stars would do that!!! I may never TRY to get back in! Come to find out...those two sites are the SAME site. They are just operating it on two different platforms. So, where you can be playing on Stars and Full Tilt at the same time...you cannot do that with UB and ABS. Whatever. Played a couple SNG's on UB...holy shit. Pretty sure the players on that site are WORSE than the ones on Stars. Combined with my foray into Full Tilt one day last week...where they are JUST as bad...I frankly HATE online poker. Mainly for what it does to me mentally. As burnt out as I was getting at seeing the same faces at the table, and having to just 'deal' with them...I am now VERY excited to get back to a LIVE game and see actual HUMAN beings making ACTUAL retarded plays...where I can convince myself that 'Yes, I really DID just watch that guy make that play.'

Watched Bristol last night. Mark Martin is so cool. At 50. I really wanted him to win that race. But you see how classy he was in defeat? Very cool. Wish he didn't have to lose to that rat-fuck Kyle Busch. Kid can drive...but what a prick.

Tried something today. Tried reading a few other players' blog. Wow. I kind of think I understand now why...wait, I don't want this to in any way sound conceited...sure hope it doesnt, but I think I understand now why a lot of people ACTUALLY read my blog. I think its because I limit the talk about poker. Question: How many of us 'actual' poker players go looking at someone's blog with 1 of 2 intentions? (1) find out their secret and try to learn about them and their game and/or (2) read it with the intention of sharpening your game through the discovery of witty poker banter? I hope to GOD that not ONE OF YOU reading this just raised your hand!

I am not mentioning any names here. That would be mean. But writing about cash game sessions, and how many big blinds you are in for, what your session 'net' was, the fact that you were multi-tabling with the intent to win back so many buy ins.... blah blah blah? And this new bullshit regarding "The M"??? What the fuck is THAT? I've heard it thrown around at the table a few times. I have had a couple of young jackass punks out in Vegas this summer babbling in jargon that was clearly intended to confound, confuse and/or impress all of the other 'senior' (myself included) players at the table. OMG. Please! KILL ME. Who is logging on, reading this shit, and finding value in it? That is where I am so happy that the world is made up of ALL different kinds of people. Because luckily, there is a wide portion of those I will NEVER have to worry about entering into my social circles. You boys just stay over there in your Dork Farm, K?

Its Sunday. I have to go do yard work again. Then I think that me and Squirrel, along with Gabe and the "Claw" are going to go eat Mexican and have some margaritas somewhere. Maybe get together with everyone at our crib (see how hip I can be? I used the word crib) later and play some big deuce. Sorry if this blog entry was kind of boring. SUE ME!

MONKEY

Friday, August 21, 2009

NO MORE MONKEY BARN!

Okay folks. I know this has been one of your favorite features, and holy cow did I have a camera FULL of people to start a whole new wing with, from Vegas....BUT!

I just got off the phone with Ken Lambert, from the Beau Rivage...who I have ABSOLUTELY the utmost respect for. I also think he is a heck of a nice guy. We have always gotten along too. So it was nice of him to call me. Turns out he was off most of the last week.

Here is the scoop. All that he knows, is that I was 86'd by Johnny for 'taking pictures of our players in the casino, which is against the law (anyone else know that?) and a disservice to our other players.' Fair enough. If I am Kenny, and my Tourney Director tells me he took that action, and I am one who never even READS Monkey's Blog in the first place, I would have probably been like Ken and just went along with it. So, I get it. From Ken's perspective.

As I waded around in my rice paddy field of a backyard...Ken and I chatted for awhile. I totally understand where he is coming from. It's one of those weird laws, the photo taking thing, I think. I mean...girls go out to a casino, they take a ton of pics. Right? No one goes to jail. Guy wins a tourney, all his buddy take a picture of him with his chips. No one goes to jail. Okay okay, you see my point. "The Barn" was supposed to be kind of a fun little feature. In fact, a majority of the guys I put in there are now semi-buddies of mine, and loved the attention. None of them felt 'affected' by my photo-taking attacks. At least none told me so. And the rumor mill in this game is RIDICULOUS... I'd of surely heard if one of them were 'looking to kill Monkey!' Nope, didn't get anything like that.

SCENARIO:

Okay. Guy tells his wife he is going to...mmmm, hell I don't know, SOMEWHERE other than the Beau Rivage to play poker. I end up taking his picture. It goes on my blog. Wife sees it. Guy is in deep shit. Guy wants to kill Monkey. And probably sue the Beau Rivage. YIKES!

This example, and some others similar have opened my eyes to the potential PIT FALLS of featuring a BARN! So...from now on...I will NEVER take a picture of another player with the intent of 'playfully abusing him/her' on my blog. I promise! Too much at stake, for me and those casinos that I like to go play in. Didn't really 'get it' before...'get it' now.

As far as any other reason for 86'ing me? None were really stated. Just that his impression is that there is a perception of me in there that I am crazy, wild and out of control. Well, that is one of those reputations that is awfully easy to get in a poker room...as a majority of the players are pretty low-key and otherwise boring. God forbid you are a guy who talks a lot and garners some attention, next thing you know you are a 'WILD MAN!'

Well, I had to adamantly defend myself against any suggestion that I been doing anything 'out of line' in the casino lately. As I was re-admitted back in January, I was given a very strict guideline of rules to adhere to and a code of conduct was more or less spelled out for me. Add to that the fact my wife works there, the pressure on me 'not to screw up' has been immense. And honestly, I tend to avoid the place a lot more now than I ever did. Nights when Squirrel and I decide to play cash game, we almost always go to IP or Hard Rock because I tend to run SO BAD in cash game...the last thing I want to do is run the risk of doing or saying something incendiary to get me kicked out again. Of the maybe 5 or 6 cash game sessions I have had there this year (all, I'm pretty sure, which ended badly) I have found myself in that situation, where after about the 3rd, 4th or 5th stack crushing bad beat...I was about to snap...I simply got up, picked up my stuff, and left. If I needed to vent, I either did it in my car while driving home...or occassionally on here. (granted, no picture has ever been taken of a cash game player)

SO....with that said, they are going into a meeting today. With all the managers. My situation will be brought up. A decision will be made what to do about it/me. Ken has promised to call me later tonight. I look forward to it. I am very appreciative of him calling me today to talk to me.

Maybe I am too negative sometimes. I don't know. It's not like I don't like calling attention to things that inspire me or make me happy. I do. Watched a movie last night, "Facing the Giants" which was a little indie film done by a church group...it was awesome. The acting sucked. But it didn't even matter. It had a great message. I teared up several times. It was inspiring. I just dont seem to find many 'inspiring' things in poker to tear up about and write about with admiration. And you know what drives me crazy? Example? My wife: "If all those people complain so much, let THEM go to the managers and complain about it...why does it always have to be YOU who complains to them, or on your blog!???"

Seems like a relatively sane question to ask right? Of your husband...who's job it is to go into a casino's poker room and win enough money to pay the bills every month? In a place where she works. Not such a crazy question I suppose, right?

But see, here is the problem...and it comes from a very early age. I think people regard me as someone who has NO respect for authority. To those people, I must say this; YOU ARE WRONG. In fact, I have a ton of respect for those who have the authority, and actually deserve to HAVE that authority. I like being in the company of a person who is incredibly gifted either intellectually, athletically, or in ways that I just can't even compare. It's awesome. Watching a coach lead a whole football team. Watching a General lead a whole battalion. Watching a doctor lead a surgical team. Watching a lead singer lead a band through an incredible performance. Watching a Sales Manager motivate his sales force to put up unprecedented numbers. Watching a QB get his whole team behind him and leading a huge comeback. I TOTALLY respect authority when its warranted.

Or how about when you call 'customer service' which by the way is the most MIS-USED title in the history of the universe...and getting that initial 'rep' who is about as frustrating and stupid as any human being you have ever tried to talk to in your life...and I am not even talking about the ones from India that you can't understand. Then you ask for a Supervisor, thats right! Those SIX MAGIC words..."Please Transfer Me To A Supervisor!" And what happens? You explain the situation to him/her. And magically, your problem gets fixed. Just like that! I have had Squirrel yell at me for getting irritated with those 'front line reps' and tell me I am being an asshole. Nope. Not being an asshole. Not at all. Just cannot DEAL with the stupid, moronic ingrates with the IQ of a fucking cucumber. Sorry.

When I DO NOT respect authority is when it is in the hands of those not capable of using it properly. I do not respect rules that are laid out for NO obvious reason whatsoever. And if there is a reason...tell me and everyone else WHAT IT IS! Don't just tell us "BECAUSE I SAID SO." Becuase you know what? No one respects that reason! In fact, it just makes everyone want to punch you! I challenge things. I challenge them when others won't. Why? Because I think life is too short to just sit there and TAKE some things. Especially when you don't have to.

So when I sit at a poker table, and listen to one player after another bitch about everything you can imagine...the dealers, the breaks are too long, or too short, or there's too many of them, the floor people suck, the chips are ugly, they are hard to identify, their aren't enough players, the structure sucks, we don't get enough chips to play with...the blinds aren't long enough...the automatic shuffler is rigged and out to get me!!!!

(*!&@&*(!@#*()!!!! O.M.G.!!!! At some point I want to PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE!!!!! Why? Because, they will sit there and bitch bitch bitch bitch but not even lift a finger to do a damn thing about it. Why? If someone can explain to me why people will use SO MUCH ENERGY to bitch about something, but then not expend an ounce of energy to CHANGE IT, I would love to hear it. Please!

So, when I hear about an issue, a lot...and I happen to concur, occassionally I will either approach the dealer, or a floor person, or the tournament supervisor, or the poker room manager...or, write about it on my blog, with the HOPE/INTENT of doing something to FIX/CHANGE that 'problem' or at least get some kind of answer back about it. So, does that make me a bad person? A wild man who can't be controlled? A trouble-maker? I will tell you what it DOESNT MAKE ME! It doesn't make me a whining little weasel bag. A whining little weasel bag will bitch bitch bitch bitch to a table full of people who don't give a shit. I don't do a lot of that at the table. Maybe occassionally I will make mention of a few things. But not too much.

Remember back in April? When we had that Mega Satellite that won a seat into this upcoming event's Main Event? We got there, and for some reason, they were only awarding seats based on the number of people who were there that day, instead of (as they had told us it would be like) basing seats on the total number of entries, which included people who were issued voucher/entries who decided not to play the event. Everyone freaked out. Did I sit there and freak out? Nope. I simply sent a text message to Johnny Grooms, who was off golfing on his day off. Then I saw Ken Lambert, and explained that the room was on the verge of a revolt. I explained the situation. I wasn't ugly about it. I didnt get crazy. And what's funny, is that about 5 or 6 players asked ME to help get the problem fixed. Why do you suppose they asked ME? Maybe because they know how proactive and sometimes influential I am when it comes to promoting change and fairness.

So what happened? It was just something that got messed up. It wasn't a 'move' by the Beau Rivage to screw anyone. Just an oversight. It was fixed, two seats were added, and everyone was happy. Close to 10 people came by my table to thank me. I wasn't feeling special because of it. I wasn't looking for the 'glad-hand' from everyone. I was simply looking to fix what was obviously broken. But yeah, it felt good to be the one who got it fixed.

So that is how I answer my wife and others who ask..."Why do you have to be so critical all the time!??" Do I need, or should I maybe 'tone it down' at times regarding some things? Sure. I absolutely should. But 85-90% of the time, I harbor NO REGRETS for the things I do or write on here.

When I complained about the complacency and attitudes of 'some' of the dealers in there the other day, some suggested I shouldn't write that. Now, while I should maybe laud the 8 or so dealers in there who I'm simply CRAZY about...no one really wants to read that do they? Actually, they are EXPECTED to be good dealers and pleasant to play with, right? Well...you know...maybe I WILL start a new feature...Monkey's Dealer of the Month. Maybe I will. I have a LOT of dealers that are good friends. Never, ever do I want anyone thinking I am declaring war on the dealers. I'm not. But I stand behind my statement that there are maybe 5-8 dealers there who need, seriously, to check themselves. And judging by the comments on here and the emails I have received, I KNOW that I am correct. I am not going to say anything to them while I am there (the dealers). For a couple reasons. (1) I can't risk creating a situation that gets me kicked out. (2) I don't need to do something to get myself all emotionally wound up while I am there and thus, affect my game. (3) If I know the manager READS my blog, well...then that is my way of 'tipping him off' that there might just be a problem with some of the dealers' attitudes in there without creating a big scene. Make sense?

So that's it. Not sure how this phone call will go, but I'm not holding my breath. If they let me back they let me back. Great. If they don't...then they don't. But I feel NO REGRET for anything I have done that might lead to this. If I was zapped for 'taking pictures' in there, well that is just ridiculous. Because the manager there READS my blog, and has seen the pictures on there for a year. He has had ample opportunity to either request or even ORDER me to stop doing it, and I would have eagerly complied. But he didn't. And if I am getting 86'd for THAT, well, then I think we all KNOW its for something other than that, don't we?

What I DO HOPE...is if they choose to not allow me to play poker in there, that they won't extend the trespass to the whole casino. That is just pointless. Squirrel and I have plans to go to dinner with my longtime buddy Chad Brown and his wife Vanessa Rousso when they are in town next month. Squirrel won an employee poker tourney (4th actually) a few months ago, and they gave her a 'One night stay at the BR and dinner for two' and we thought we might do dinner with them at BR PRIME (and request that Kai be our server!!!) and then spend the night at the Beau that night. Not that I do a lot of gambling on the table games there, but I do occassionally like to hit the bars and restaraunts there. And to keep me banned from doing that would be just unnecessary.

Whatever happens, I still plan on going to Borgata I think. Pulled up their structures last night...and they are just TOO good to pass on. That and I have never played up there. Made a lot of new friends out in Vegas this summer from the NY/NJ/PHILLY area and it would be cool to go up and play with them. Plus the fields up there are always HUGE...and to cash would be a good cash...and to Final Table there would not only be a ton of money...but huge POY points...and as I am sitting in 133rd place right now, I would love to finish up the year strong and maybe get into the Top 50. Also have a chance at the most final tables in the world. I think I'm like 2 or 3 behind Brent Carter...who plays a gajillion tourneys a year. Even more than I do!!! And...he has a really super-cool Members Only jacket that I would like get my hands on. Maybe if I clip him for most Final Tables he would come off of it???

Stay tuned folks!

MONKEY

Thursday, August 20, 2009

6 AM!?? Are you kidding me?

I need help. For real. I have major issues.

Wow! There is a shock eh?

Why am I still awake? No idea, but the clock I am on now reminds me of what I was doing in Vegas last year. Not this year, I actually was on a pretty good schedule this year...probably because I was getting deep in almost every tourney and not grinding/drinking my way through one SNG after another till the wee hours.

This is BS. And its not like I'm up grinding away online either. Watching lots of movies. Playing online a little bit. I finally caved in yesterday...as I was watching my balance on Stars plummet to $165 and took the $600 deposit with the $300 earnable bonus. Why not?

Well, I got deep in two MTTS on there. The $5 rebuy, which I was only in for the minimum...FIVE BUCKS. Got in 45 min's late and forgot to do the ADD-on. Whoops. But got a quick triple up. Played pretty tight. Got inside of 200 players (over 4500 played) and you know the drill. Get AA UTG. Limp for 3000, already in the money but short, needing a double up. Get a call, a late raise, and the table's biggest fool goes all in. COOL..as long as the other two dont call, and of course it holds up. Original raiser calls. He has QQ. Douchebucket has KJ offsuit. King on the flop...Jack on the river. Out. $54. Thanks FuckerStars.

Next one? $10 with 2 rebuy and 1 add on. Get deep in that one. I don't remember what happened. A succession of shit storm type things. No real ugly beats or anything. Just lost. Won another $55. Whooopee. Quit playing.

Turned to my newest obsession. ACE COMBAT 6 on XbOX360. Pretty sweet game. Excellent graphics. Keep waiting to see if I am going to get the RAPTOR or the F-35 Lightning after completing a level. I am now stuck on Level 10. I have played it over and over now about 30 freaking times. Don't know what to do. Just can't seem to destroy whatever it is I need to destroy to advance.

Today I finally found 2 hours where it didn't rain. So got the lawn mowed. Which was starting to look like a pasture. I am pretty sure that I was starting to experience heat stroke. Might explain the horrendous headache I've had for the last 12 hours. I think I need to join the gym. When mowing the lawn almost sends you to the hospital, that cannot be good.

Worked on my Football Pools all night. One of them, the NCAA Survivor Pool takes a lot of work. It doesnt run off of a website like my two NFL Survivor Pools, my Confidence Pool, and my three Fantasy Leagues. I should get about 75 in that...so its worth it. Then worked on a spreadsheet for another 3 hours. In between all that I played three SNGs on PokerBasterds. I actually won a SNG tonight. NO bullshit.

Yeah. Now granted, it was a $6.50/45 deal, but hey, I won that fucker! And it felt GOOD. It was one of those deals when we got to about 13 and EVERY good hand held up. I was whacking a player about every other hand. Got 5 handed and I never lost a hand. It was gross. Ship that whopping $84 biotch! While I was playing that I was playing .50/$1.00 Stud Hi/Lo. Now talk about a game where you can REALLY make some money online (granted, if your playing higher limits). Wow! How much worse could these guys have been? Not much. I bought in for $20 and cashed out with $63. Not too bad for only 2 hours.

Been checking out the messages. WOW! Lots of messages. Thanks. Nice to know so many of you read this. I got a hilarious email from a guy who reads this. He didn't post it on here, instead sent it to me at ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com...I asked him for his permission to post it here. Haven't heard back from him. Its really funny.

Thought about going over to New Orleans today, I mean yesterday...whatever...to play their noon tourney at Harrah's. Probably would have too, if I hadn't finally fallen asleep at 5am and not woken up at 2pm! My Gawd!

HEY! CONGRATS TO WILD BILL, our websites ...ugh....I don't know? Editor? Founder? Big Daddy in Charge? I don't know his title. Him and Gene kind of run things...but anyway, Bill and his wife just had a baby. On the day that OUR baby would have been due had we not lost it in February. Kind of ironic I'd say. Well, I'm very happy for those guys.

You gotta be kidding me. I am out on the couch right now, writing this. At 6am. My dog, Mollie, that little bitch...I took her outside at about 2am...and she wouldn't do anything...just walked around. Great. She just walks out here....finds that little spot she likes so much in the living room...and took a shit. Really!??? Unreal. Why does she have to be so friggin cute. Jeezuz. Excuse me for a second please...it smells awful.

Okay. That was fun. Hmmm, saw a comment where the person mentioned the Vick thing. That they couldn't believe that I was 'taking it easy on him.' Look, yes...I LOVE DOGS...you all know that. But at the same time, I think there was a bit of culture blindness that occurred here. Not sure how to explain this without coming off sounding...mmmm racially insensitive. But I will try. I think that whites and blacks typically are just sometimes brought up in different environments. Not necessarily where one is better than the other. Just different. Some things that people do, the whole group or race that they run around with find it acceptable. I can't tell you how many conversations at the poker table in the last few years regarding that topic were two-sided. It was amazing. You would think..."wow, who in their right mind would find that to be okay?" Right? Well, some people just dont think its 'that big of a deal.' I think sometimes, you have to see how the other side lives, or thinks for that matter, before you come to the conclusion in your own heart and mind that 'yea, it WAS unacceptable, it WAS wrong.' I think Mike Vick had to go through that to realize that 'yeah..it was wrong' as were a lot of other things he had been doing his whole life. I spend a lot of time defending myself against people bashing me for things they have NO idea usually what they are talking about. So I guess from that standpoint, I am typically a person who likes to give others either a 2nd chance, or a chance to prove the stereotypes against them wrong. I am willing to believe Vick when he says he is changed. That he will be a better person. Why are people so quick to just say "FUCK YOU VICK, I hope you suffer like the dogs you killed!" Why? What does that do? Does that make anything better? I don't think so.

Anyway, speaking of defending myself. Got a message on Facebook today, someone tells me "Hey Monkey, check out Doyle Brunson's blog...he did a feature called 'Hall of Shame' since they are about to do pokers Hall of Fame pretty soon, and some one left a comment and mentioned you!" So I checked it out, and in fact...they had. Saying something to the tune of "Yeah I think you would have to include that jerk they call Monkey." Wow! I was flattered! So of course I left my own little two cents on there! Of course I did!

So...contemplating going to Oklahoma Win Star to play 'The River' which is a 3 million guarantee tourney with a 2k buy in. Only problem is...they are retarded. They run a $400 Mega, but they run it like three weekends before the tourney. This coming weekend is the last one. How stupid. Unless you live near there. Ever heard of running Megas on Friday and Saturday and then the tourney on Sunday you morons? Uh oh...better be careful what I call these guys up there...don't wanna get myself banned from the Win-Star! Holy shit, I would REALLY have to quit poker then!!! So what I'm saying is...what? Am I gonna drive to Oklahoma, play in a $400 Mega on Saturday...win or lose, doenst matter, I'm coming back here. Then what? Drive all the way back? For a 2k buy in? It really only saved me $1600 by winning in the first place. Pretty stupid. So I don't know about that one.

Heard that I.P. is running the I.P. Classic from Oct 28th to Nov 8th. Hmmm..that kind of cuts into the Venetian event. But I DID win the I.P. 50k guarantee last year on Halloween, which was my first MAJOR out and out victory. Sort of feel compelled to go back and try to defend. But then again, if I play all the Venetian events, I can go for back to back All Around titles. Tough call. I know what Squirrel wants me to do, even though she is STILL barely talking to me because of this recent BS at the Beau Rivage, who BTW still havent responded to any of my emails or phone calls. Whatever. Honestly, I am not losing any sleep over it. Besides, I have a really weird feeling that we are going to get hit by a hurricane. I just hope the Kenny Chesney concert doesnt get cancelled on the 10th.

Talked to my buddy Joe Cutler from New York today. Totally planning on doing Borgatta now. Won't leave though till after the Kenny concert. Get up there in time for the last week of that event. Come home. Chill for about two weeks. Then head to Aruba for 11 days. Come home. Chill again for two weeks. Then IP I guess maybe... Venetian. Lots of poker to play this fall. Pretty much plan on doing nothing in December but watching football, playing video games, and spending time with relatives.

Okay it is now daylight. This is getting really ridiculous. I guess I could get back on track by just staying up. Maybe start playing poker right now. You know who I will be playing against though...fuckin Euros. That might drive me to drink. At 10am? Whoa..a whole new set of problems. Start taking pictures of their Avatars and putting THOSE on here...wonder if Pokerstars would 86 me for doing THAT? "Monkeys Online Barn."

I need a haircut. Bad. I look like I have a bush growing on the top of my neck. Its really sexy.

Brett Favre signed with the Vikings. Hmmm. Sure would like to be a fly in THAT locker room. Sure would like to be at Lambeau field when the Vikings go there to play. Wow, I might have to call my sister in Wisconsin and see if she can get me tickets for that game. Gonna go with 'not likely' on that one.

I'm done talking to you guys.

MONKEY

Monday, August 17, 2009

ONLINE POKER CONUNDRUM

Does this happen to you guys? Im guessing IT HAS TO.

Three days now. Three freaking days in a row. Nearly everything I play...I get deep. Even 1 or 2 from the money. And everytime, I get 1, 2 or 3 outed to not cash. Ive been taking great measures not to drive myself nuts, so I have been mixing up my days.

Play ball with the dogs. Watch movies on my new TV. Play Xbox360 and PS3 in between sessions of online poker. Even work in some rope skipping, pushups and crunches. Right? Good strategy? Could really insert 'mow the lawn' but its done nothing but rain for the last week.

So I am now in this rut. This unbelievably confounding RUT. Played on Pokerstars tonight, again...and again...got ass raped. What is going on? Get it in with JJ, lose to 55. Get it in with QQ, lose to 88. The best one was on the bubble, this guy just SHOVES...and I have KK. Whatever, Im sure he will have some bullshit ace, right? Of course. But he doesnt hit the ace. Oh no. He has A4, of spades. You will like this flop. K-K-3. Nice. Quads. Bout to be chipleader, right? Well, the 3 is a spade. Might as well put a 2 of spades on the turn. Hey....there IS a way to lose this afterall! What does the river bring? Why, how about the 5 of spades? Are you kidding me? I am NOT making this up. So I walk away.

Decide, hmmm...as bad as I am running on Stars, lets try and play on Full Tilt. After all I have around $400 in there. Since I have sat here and watched my Stars balance fall from $1000 to around $220 in the last week. So I buy into 5 games. The biggest one, I have a nice stack, halfway thru the field. Guy min raises. People on Tilt seem to really like the min-raise. Well, I re-raise it pretty big. Dude calls. Flop comes 5-5-2. He checks. I bet. He raises. Whatever dude, I do NOT have AK you clown. I move all in. He calls. With 99. I literally whisper..."hmmm nine on the river?" And right on cue...BOOM! 9 on the river. Wow. Really?

I will lose the other 3, one I lose two from the money, one I lose 5 from the money, and the other I lose 9 from the money. In every hand I was ahead preflop, and ahead after the flop. All I won was about $10 in bounty money for whacking idiots. I am flabbergasted. They might play worse on Full Tilt. Everyone on the internet is HORRID! How do you make a living playing online? I hear guys say...."I kill online." HOW? I promise you, I am not making mistakes. I am sincerely convinced that the sites have certain players they favor. They have to. I don't know...if I have to screw someone's fat, ugly wife in the offices of Pokerstars....I am almost ready to do it.

One day Squirrel and I are going to have a baby. I will have whatever winnings I still have sitting in the bank. In the meantime, I will be sitting around the house...bored off my ass, unable to travel to a poker event...because we have a baby. And I will play online. And I will slowly drive myself crazy. The upside? I now have health insurance. So its a very real possibility that there could be a future trip to the pharmacy for something like...mmm...not familiar with all the current popular brands of anti-anxiety medications...but I am sure I will quickly familiarize myself with them to the point of being an expert on the subject!

So after this latest Full Tilt beatdown...I logged off. I sat there, watching a bad preseason football game. Thats boring. Should I get on Xbox? Nope, not really feeling that either! Do some pushups? Can't, my arms are sore from doing them earlier. Play ball with the dogs? Its raining out. Watch a movie? Don't have any. And there is nothing on. OH MY GOD. I don't know what to do with myself! You see those shows...or hell, just drive over there...to New Orleans, and you see those people, sitting out on their front porches. Not doing anything, really. Just....just sitting out there. WTF? What is that? They always look like they are on the verge of heat stroke too.

I can think of only one place where I would like to be, just sitting there, doing nothing. That would be at a Pro Beach Volleyball game (featuring women, duh) in somewhere like San Diego. Check that. There is another place I just thought of. Sittin on the top deck of a big ass yacht...in Maui...half buzzed, watching Humpback whales. Yeah, that would work. Hmmmm. Not too many places though that I can think of. And that really kind of troubles me a bit. So now what do I do? Get back online...take some more UTTERLY ridiculous bad beats that feel completely orchestrated? And drive myself further insane? Do I need to get online and find some stupid social clubs to join?

I have no answers. Only more questions. Even the book I am reading right now is boring me. Might be time to make a switch.

The comments on this last 'issue' have almost set a record. I've had an interesting developement occur. The guy who first came in as the guy I labeled "Anonymous Andy" somehow had his identity stolen. Yeah, identity theft on a blog message board. Pretty effed up, eh? Today, I get one...."Monkey, please dont post this...this is THE ACTUAL Anonymous Andy. Someone else has been posting crap saying he's me." He goes on to explain a few things, wishing to distance himself from some of the comments that the other jerkoff has made. He made three very stupid/ugly/offensive/retarded/meaningless comments today...I didn't bother publishing them. Some of the others were funny. Some were a little irritating. Whatever, I'm almost always going to publish them.

I have contacted the management of the Beau Rivage, both by phone and email. Or rather, I have sent email and left a phone message. I have not heard back from them. Not sure what to make of it. So, therefore...I am making nothing of it. Really just want to know if they are going to let me play the GCPC, and if not, am I getting the $5,000 refunded for the Main Event seat I already won? Not exactly sure how that works, but I would think that if you won a seat, and the seat is clearly WORTH $5000, and wasn't won through a freeroll or anything like that...it would seem that I am entitled to the $5000. Right?

Also, would like to know so I can make travel arrangements to Borgata to play that tourney up there. Got a lot of buddies from the NY/NJ area that will be there playing so it would actually be pretty fun. Plus, I've always wanted to play up there.

Okay this Preseason game between NYG and CAR just got a little more interesting. This is where I must bring some negativity. There are a couple of reasons for being excited about the upcoming football season. First of all, I hope my Seahawks can improve on last years 4-12, and my Huskies can win ONE damn game. Second, I have a very KICKASS new TV to watch the games on this year. Third, I have a huge amount of pool action and fantasy leagues that are just beginning to kick into high gear. THREE fantasy leagues, all of which are full...and a big money league...which is half full. And all my Survivor Pools. Its going to be a great football season! Fourth, the MNF crew got rid of one of the most annoying football announcers in the history of MNF...in Tony Kornheiser. Only one thing wrong with that. While they were cleaning house they forgot to take out the rest of the garbage, that being Ron Jaworski and that little 'thing' that lives down on the sidelines that I am almost POSITIVE is banging 'Jaws' since they both talk identically. Same inflection in their voice, same annoying delivery. She is to my psyche what Mary Hartman was to that lady in Iowa or wherever. You remember? The lady who would have seizures whenever she heard Mary Hartman? When I hear Suzie Kolber talk I freak out.

But Jaworski!!!??? Oh my gawd. Wow the Giants just scored an improbable last second TD to win this thing and NOT go to OT. Wow. Hit the QB, shoot ball up in the air...catch it...run for TD. NICE! Oh...and we get to hear Jaworski growl and shout. There are a few expressions that if I do not have to EVER hear again in football I would be willing to strip off all my clothes and run naked down the street and back.

#1 THESE GUYS PLAY FOOTBALL THE FOOTBALL IS MEANT TO BE PLAYED. THEY PLAY GOOD OLD FASHIONED 'SMASH MOUTH FOOTBALL'! *&(@#$(@ smash mouth!!!!!
#2 BRETT FAVRE HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS GOING TO CALL IT QUITS. wow, really? that is a total shock!
#3 ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT THESE GUYS CAME TO PLAY TODAY! huh? which team ever decides to show up for a game with the intent NOT to play that day?
#4 THEY HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN THE MONKEY OFF THEIR BACK! when exactly did I crawl up and plant myself on anyone's back? thats just stupid!
#5 ITS STILL NEW TO THE GAME...BUT I HAVE ALMOST HAD MY FILL OF EVERYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH THE WORD 'WILDCAT' !!!!!
#6 Anyone watching HBO's 'Hard Knocks...with the Cincinnatti Bengals' this year? Well, I am watching an interview with Ray Lewis on ESPN and just heard from him what I heard ad nauseum out of Chad OCHODORKO's mouth the other night. Know what it is? You will hear again this year I promise. It will be overused. And all those little assholes that are still walking around gas stations late at night with their pants pulled halfway down their ass will be shouting it to anyone stupid enough to listen to them. Ready? "CHILD PLEASE!" Thats right. CHILD PLEASE. You heard it hear first. The best was OCHOFUCKO explaining it, as if we 'whiteys' are just too fucking stupid to figure it out. Yeah yeah Chad, we GET IT idiot. Ebonics aren't that tough to figure out you joker.
#7 This shouldnt be on this list. One thing I will NOT ever get sick of are the COORS LIGHT COMMERCIALS featuring the coaches during their post-game interviews...with intakes of questions. Those are great!

Oh. Yeah! Hey...so Mike Vick has signed with Philly. Good. Good for him. The Eagles are welcoming him with open arms. Good. The guy screwed up. Big time. All his boys ratted him out and skated with little to no punishment. Good friends, huh? Fuckers. Well, he's done his time. Maybe more than he should have. I hope he finds some success. I hope he makes some money and gets out of debt. Now here is what is funny. These assholes, from PETA, and from the Humane Society, with all their protesting against Vick; WOW! What a bunch of fucking hypocrites! I had no idea, but when prompted, did a little digging, and what I discovered was alarming. PETA is responsible for over 25,000 animal DEATHS a year! No kidding. And the humane society? You know their deal! Animal control catches strays...they go to jail, death row. They have a limited time to be claimed or adopted, and then they DIE! I think you ALL know how much I love dogs. Ever gone to pick up your pet from the Animal Control after they got out and got snagged? I have. Once. When I lived in Georgia. These people are the most miserable human beings alive. All I wanted to do was grab a baseball bat and start swinging at these fuckers when I was there. And now, suddenly they want us all to think they are the divine protectors of the animal world!?? Give me a break! If you don't believe me, GOOGLE the phrase 'PETA ANIMAL DEATHS'...you will shit your pants. Oh and if you love dogs as much as I do, and haven't seen the movie 'Hotel For Dogs' rent it. Its great.

SO GOOD LUCK MIKE VICK. Saw his interview on 60 Minutes Sunday. He seemed pretty sincere about his intentions to be a better person. Granted, I'm sure that interview was pretty scripted. Whatever. I hope he does well in Philly. Also on that show, was Chris Martin of ColdPlay. Now there is a very, very interesting and cool dude. Someone I would really love to hang out with...like, I don't know...maybe on a camping trip or something. Almost everything the guy said was intriguing. I am always easily impressed by musicians though.

Entourage was pretty good Sunday night. Was pretty weird. Just watched "Fools Gold" with Matthew McConnaughey (however you spell it) and there was this tiny little chick who was kind of hot...but just too tiny or something. I don't know...munchkin-like. But one nice scene had her laid out on the deck of the yacht when a sword came flying out of nowhere and landed between her legs...with her sitting there...legs spread...staring down at the sword...you could say it had some sexual overtones. Yup it worked! Well, turns out...I'm watching Entourage and the chick Ashley that 'E' is dating (or trying to, after Sloan) is that little girl. I don't know. Is she hot? Is she too munchkin-ney? Tough call.

Line of the night. Ari...who is famous for the great quotes...was pissed about two people in his office having an afffair, one that caused the guy in the mix to have his wife storm into the office threatening to kill whoever it is that "is fucking my husband!!!!" That scene starred Jami Gertz...boy has she slid off the slope of hotness...and it was killer. But when ARI calls them both into his office, with the intent to fire them both...she manages to change his mind, after telling him that she ended it with the twit. She demands to go back to her desk to work. ARI: "GO! And if you so much as EYEFUCK another employee in this building, I will have you deported...NAKED...to the Taliban!!!!" An instant classic.

Seems like a good place to end this blog...which by the way, is what I decided to do when I could find NOTHING ELSE to do!!!!!!!

MONKEY

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A LITTLE NOTE ON 'ANONYMOUS' COMMENTS



To all of you readers who like to make comments:


I am quite open to any and all critical comments. I will publish pretty much everything. However, the days of publishing comments made by people under the signature of 'Anonymous' are over.


I have had a very distressing incident occur today. Upon arriving at the Beau, which by the way has changed the weekend start times back to noon, FYI...I was told by Employee #1 that I wasn't allowed to register, until I spoke with Employee #2, who happens to read EVERY one of my posts.


So I called Employee #2 on his cell phone. Employee #2 informed me that he read my blog, and based on THAT...I was being trespassed. Yes, trespassed. He wouldn't really engage me in conversation on the matter. But I came away feeling sort of violated. Last time I checked, I still reside in the United States of America, where Freedom of Speech is still a constitutional right. And I know that I have kept my behavior in check at all times at the Beau since my little 'completely misunderstood and totally blown out of proportion' incident from last year (i.e 'The Knee' incident), about this time. I wrote a fairly critical article the other night, wherein I called into question the attitudes of some of the dealers there, also wrote some things about a couple of bad players...and took the picture of one. Kai also got photographed. Kai loves the attention!


I was told by Employee #2 that I 'chased a player out to take his picture.' Huh? I did? I chased someone? Where is THAT picture? That would have required me to move about in a fashion that might come off as exercise. Nope, not me sir. Nope, I just took those three pics, and the one of my chips. Thats all. Pretty sure surveillance could confirm exactly how many times I actually left my table, and if I ever 'chased' anyone.


I also wrote about a competing casino, and talked of a few ideas for them to be successful. Pretty much the same stuff I always talk about. I didnt break any rules the other night. I didn't abuse anyone verbally. I didn't do anything that would have violated my 'terms of service' agreement with them when they let me back in.


So, I find it quite humorous when I go look at the 'COMMENTS' just now, and see one that sounds eerily like it might have been written by someone attached to this situation. And of course, its signed Anonymous. Matter of fact, I might just publish it in a few days. Maybe not. Because it's just SO blatantly sounding like a "hey look what you did, I am going to use this against you to get you 86'ed....mwwwwaaahhhhh mmwwwhaaaaaaaa!!!!!"


I have put in a call to a higher ranking official there, we will call him Employee #3. I am choosing to remain very calm. Not let this piss me off, not let it get me hysterical. And so therefore, I will not. I have a lot of respect for Employee #3, and I think he happens to have a good amount of integrity. I also believe that he KNOWS that I am a guy that the Beau Rivage would rather have working FOR them than AGAINST them.


Afterall, I have done nothing to warrant this reaction. Can't imagine they would want to throw out the biggest mouth in the south with the biggest keyboard for doing absolutely nothing wrong, other than writing a few critical remarks. If the strategy is 'if we 86 him our problems will go away' than that is a pretty silly strategy. When someone like myself uses a blog to write about things like I do, it is to promote change, to make the game better for the players. It worked with Harrah's New Orleans didn't it? They didn't seem to be too upset when they had record numbers of players turn out. I've worked closely with Venetian and look what a killer product they now have. Its not by accident that casinos and poker room managers either work WITH ME and turn out a better product, or work AGAINST ME and watch their product get worse.

At any rate, this comment centers around me 'being so stupid as to post a picture of another player, which is totally against the rules, and you should probably be thrown out and not allowed to play the upcoming tournament.'


Hmmmm...fishy? Yeah, maybe a little fishy. Whatever. What I think it is...is someone not liking what they read, and FINDING a reason to screw me. Please. I've been posting pictures (which by the way...FLASH photography is not allowed in the casino, says nothing about camera phone pictures) from the poker table at the Beau Rivage now for almost two years. And now, SUDDENLY, its an issue? Come on. Who out there is buying this?


The thing that also is very irritating is the this. My wife works there. Try coming home and explaining this to her. She never believes me when I say "sweetie, I didn't do anything." But then...even after THAT dark cloud lifts...there is the fact that I get 'trespassed' from the whole property? For what? That means, no going to see her at work, no going to eat at the restaraunt, no socializing at the clubs or lounges with our friends. And for what earthly reason? Pathetic.


The real bad part of that...is she might think I am right, but then this stuff starts. "I know you didn't do anything wrong...but why is it always YOU who gets in trouble! Its never anyone else. Always YOU! I work there! I have to deal with this! Why can't you just shut up!??" And thats usually followed up by the "why don't you QUIT writing that fucking blog! It justs gets you in trouble!" You know what? Those two statements are pretty fucking sick. Where do I live? Fucking CHINA!??? So, lets see...because of who I am, how I act, and what I write...its a weapon to be used against me? Guy reads this. Guy thinks to himself..."Hmmm...Monkey thinks he's gonna be critical of US? Well....I'll show him! And since he has a checkered past, it will be easy to 86 him without anyone really putting up much of a fight! Yeah!" Hey, no big deal that Constitution that our Founding Fathers signed. Ohhhhh...right, you're a casino, thats right, you have the right to BAN anyone you want for whatever reason...isn't that right? Good veil to hide under. I wonder what it would look like if that casino was featured on the 5pm news...on a feature, called something like...mmmmm "Trampling the 1st Amendment...alive and well here in Biloxi." I'm guessing having that ONE PLAYER 86'ed and trading it in for the avalanche of bad publicity that would follow would do wonders for the casino's business.

To think that I am expected to crawl into a shell, stop talking, stop being expressive, or animated...not share my thoughts and views, not be an advocate for change for the players I represent...to become, basically...a freaking INTROVERTED LITTLE TROLL...to exist within the walls of a specific casino, is damn scary.

So, I am leaving it right here for now. No reason to say anything inflammatory. This is what happened. Point blank. You all can rest assured that I didn't 'do' something that I am not telling you about. I was literally 'trespassed' on the merits of what Employee #2 read in my blog. PERIOD.


Have a Nice Day.


Anonymous Monkey (Yes, that is me under that Flag-like throw/blanket, and yes, I did just download the DEMO from 'WANTED: Weapons of Fate' and YES...I will be going on there now with the intent to kill criminals and suspected terrorists! And under the skill level of 'PUSSY' since to be ASSASSIN or THE KILLER you must buy the full version!!!!)

Friday, August 14, 2009

OMG! OMG!! OMG!!!! Why do I ever LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!!!

Okay! Wow! Something good has come of this already! I have learned how (I think, barring some shitstorm that is forthcoming) how to do the thing where I stick pictures in, then text, then pictures, then more text...without having to have all the damn pictures all showing up at the top of the page!

Before I get started...just walked in the door. Opened the sliding glass door, in come the dogs...with MUD all over their feet. Awesome! As if I am not pissed off enough at what just made me pick up my chips and money from the 1/2 table at the Beau and drive home thinking to myself..."Do I even WANT to try and write a blog tonight? Or should I just go home...fire up a bowl (of Cocoa Puffs!)...get on PS3, kill some terrorists...and see how I feel tomorrow?" No! Cuz now I have to remove about 12 to 15 paw prints from the carpet! Oh wait, I wasn't even going THERE...no no...where I was going was here! Ready?

I turn on the TV...and on TBS is a movie that in 5 million years (if I was EVER unfortunate to live on this planet that long. Oh by the way...on that subject, there is a VERY good reason why God gave us a life expectancy of 60-80 years. Seriously. WHO IN THE HELL would ever, honestly...WANT to put up with the bullshit we humans put up with for any more than that? I mean, yeah...there are those people who are just WAAAAAYYYY TOOOOO happy...who you have to think are either (a) heavily medicated or (b) just ridiculously and annoyingly happy. Those people need to stay about 4 miles away from me at ALL times! Please! Thank you! Wow that was maybe the longest statement ever put between two parentheses!) I would never travel to a theater and spend any amount of money, I don't even care if the movie tickets were $1 with a free bucket of heavily buttered popcorn...it just would never happen! What is that movie you ask? Well...lets just say this; there is an actor who on occasion makes a pretty funny film. He makes a good 'character' actor at times. But there is a limit to his range. I am currently watching a movie called 'Nacho Libre.'

[and by the way, back on the subject of life expectancy...who REALLY got screwed over were dogs. Dogs are awesome. And they only live 10-15 years typically. What kind of BS is that? I kind of think God could have let dogs live 30 to 40 years and maybe trimmed the humans life down to 50 to 60. I would be okay with that as a compromise.]

Um....hmmmm. Here's the thing. Once upon a time, I lived in a city called Los Angeles. It was 12 years ago. I was sort of in the television production business. Occassionally I would get temp jobs working on movie lots. Sometimes, I would be working in offices that represented actors. It was quite interesting and sometimes exciting. Often times I would meet a ravishingly hot female model slash actress trying to climb the ladder and with my gift of gab was able to convince her that I was capable of 'maybe being able to help' her in her goals, thus leading to some very fantastic nights for Senor Monkey before the Monkey was the Monkey.

I believe the date was approxiamately November 12th, 1998 when I did a very stupid thing. I let the stripper from the Gold Club in Atlanta, who for some reason I had convinced myself that I was in love with...who I had moved into a house with, who I had given access to all of my money (shared bank accounts-of which she cleaned out all but $12 of) who I had somehow allowed to have me thrown in jail twice for complete BS (in Cobb County...if you are a cute little stripper, and you are mad at your boyfriend, just call the cops and tell them he is either 'threatening you' or 'stalking you' and you will almost POSITIVELY, 100% end up in jail. Oh it doesn't matter if the stalking is you emailing her, or if the 'threatening her' is you trying to hold her arms down when she is throwing dishes at you! No no...cuz in Cobb County, if you have your woman covered by 6 inches or more in heighth...you're SURELY guilty of domestic violence!) and who I had said to myself..."Will, no way man...NO WAY do you let yourself move back to ATLANTA...DONT DO IT! I don't care how nice her breasts are! I don't care how sexy her voice is. Resist! Resist!" I somehow allowed myself to do it anyway. To get in my car....and drive all the way, cross country...back to fuh-reeeeking Atlanta. Atlanta. That...that....oh I am not even going there. That city where I would wallow, and fester...and sink lower and lower in...watching my relationship with her go to shit in another year or two.

[on another little side note, had I not come back to Atlanta...chances are pretty good I would have never went to Biloxi with my buddy Jeff Giraldi, where I went on to meet a hot little cocktail waitress with the sweetest country accent and the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. So...thanks Hannah, you ...oh wait...we made our peace on Facebook recently, I won't call her a nasty name. Thats not nice. She's now a mother of 3.]

What I did was walk out on opportunity. I was getting somewhere. I had a future in the film business. I was working part time at E! I had just gotten an opportunity to go to work for the Playboy Channel. (yeah, that would have SUCKED, huh!???) Hell, I could be the real-life Ari Gold right now, maybe. I surely wouldn't have fallen into poker, so I don't know...I have mixed emotions. But back to the point...which has really taken on a life of its own now...and now, there has actually begun another really fucking stupid movie..."Beverly Hills Ninja." Although I find almost anything with the late Chris Farley to be ridiculously hilarious.

Here is the thing. I would on a daily basis see stacks and stacks of screenplays while I was out there working in LA. I mean, you have NO IDEA how many good writers there are out there. So one day...some producer is sitting at his desk, and he gets a phone call...."Hey dude, I have this screenplay I really think you should read!" Now this is someone who is almost ALWAYS putting their reputation on the line when they make this phone call. So when you somehow manage to find yourself in front of a movie screen and/or a television set and a movie like "Nacho Libre" shows up ...you have to ask yourself, "How the f-u-c-k did THAT conversation go" that resulted in this becoming a movie?

I can really understand why other cultures see American movies and utter such phrases as "Stupid fucking Americans." Or "These people, they are retards!" Yeah, see, I don't allow myself to get sucked into retard comedies, like those put out by Jim Carrey. People who think Jim Carrey or guys like Carrot Top, Steve Martin or Robin Williams (in his non-dramatic roles) are funny...are people I don't even want to be in the same zip code with. Oh by the way...if you GOOGLE 'comedic actors' it will pull up the Top 100...R.Williams is #6 (weird) J.Carrey is #11 and S.Martin is #9. Senor Carrot Top is a no-show. Really!?? A no show? After his cameo snap shot photo in the limo at the end of 'The Hangover'??? And who is #1 you ask? Peter Sellers? Huh? Whatever.

This commercial with Roni Deutsch? However you spell it? The dyke attorney who runs those annoying damn commercials late at night? I would like to see a piano fall on her head!

I am getting closer and closer to getting into tonight's action at the Beau Rivage...which is about to be re-named, by me. You know what 'Beau Rivage' MEANS right? Beautiful Shore. Interesting. Anyone want to help me out with a new name? I have a few ideas...but I am very interested in starting a fun little 'RENAME THAT PLACE' contest right here on my blog.


I have come to the conclusion that the dealers at the Beau Rivage need something to make them appreciate their jobs a little more. I am not totally sure what that 'something' would be. 4 years ago...the dealers at the Grand were kind of having this same sort of 'state of being' that the dealers at the Beau seem to be mired in. And when I say...THE DEALERS AT THE BEAU....I of course do not mean ALL of them. There are obvious exceptions. I will, however...say, the majority of the ones I interacted with tonight.

This point of observation comes from someone who has been gone from the place ALL SUMMER! Sure, I came home from Vegas and stepped foot in there for one very short evening. But when you have been out of town for the better part of 3 months, and come home and witness what I witnessed, it is VERY obvious that there are issues that require something to happen. Something....to...happpen....hmmmmm. Lets see, its a bad economy right? People need their jobs right? Now, more than ever? Aren't all these things true? I thought they were. 4 years ago...it was this thing called Hurricane Katrina. That shook things up a bit didn't it? People sure did find out then how much they missed their jobs, didn't they? Funny how when things opened up a year later how EXCITED and PLEASANT they were when they went to work everyday.

I really am not in the mood to deal with another freaking hurricane. Or to have to witness the death and destruction that ensued. But I would like something drastic to happen that would make these people act, well...like us poker players are something other than a fucking inconvenience to have to deal with every day.

These are people (well, except for one, who by the way, REALLY should repay the $300 you borrowed from a fellow poker player...not me.... THREE months ago!) who I actually LIKE on a personal level. But as dealers? Hmmmm...not so much. Let me stress something here, in five years of playing live and online...I have played close to 4 million hands (not making this up. You can get PokerStars to send you a total hand audit, and then just estimate on the live play). That is a lot. I have witnessed almost every bad beat imagineable. I have seen almost every floor ruling you can imagine. I have observed almost every dealer 'style' that is out there. I would have to say that I have a pretty good understanding of the game. So...when something happens at the table, something ridiculous, with the blinds....lets call it 1500/3000, and when you make a 'friendly recommendation' and the dealer responds with..."I've been dealing now for 15 years honey, I don't think I need any tips!" well...I just have to sit back, take a deep breath, and ask myself....WOW! REALLLLLY!???

What happened? Hand #1. Dealer likes to pitch to the players' hand. Which, according to my friends who are what I would call 'good' dealers, is not a great idea. Why? Cards tend to find their object and climb up the object, i.e. their hand! Thus exposing themself to other players. So..when you are in the BB...shortstacked (not me, folks...no bias here) and the dealer pitches one that hits your index finger and turns over..and, "Oh Hey!" its the Ace of spades...thus creating a misdeal...you might be a bit irritated. Dealer responds with..."Gosh, sorry sweetie." Yeah....mmmm....no problem...SWEEEETIE! Then, on the very NEXT hand...same dealer, shoots my card (in the SB) off the top of my thumb...and exposing yet another card...creating ANOTHER misdeal...with, oh yeah...the blind levels being only 20 minutes long. I now feel compelled to say something to her. In a very polite tone...I say "Just some free advice here...I think if you pitch to the side where their hand is not sitting, you might not keep exposing cards." Seemed pretty harmless to me. IVE BEEN DEALING FOR 15 YEARS!!!! Yeah? Well, I know a lot of people who have been driving for 20 years and still manage to total a car every year or two.

Then...the one that really pissed me off. Sometime last year, I very nicely asked one of the floor supervisors to do something as a service to the tournament players. I've also asked them at other venues to which I travel regularly. Please...when the dealers come in to push another dealer, if the level is within 1:30 of being over...and the blinds are about to go up, or we are about to go on break...can you please have the pushing dealer wait? "Sure Monkey...that sounds like a good idea. I will let them know." This summer at the Venetian...they honored that. It was great. Well, at the Beau when I asked (6 months or so ago), they also said they would start doing that. Sometime in March I think...down to 3 tables or something, I asked a dealer...who I didn't see tonight (thank god, cuz he makes me irritated just seeing his face!) to please wait for the 1:15 to expire before pushing in...and he totally ignored me. Didn't say no, just fucking ignored me. I pretty much freaked out that night (in my head people, in my head)!

Well, tonight, with 1:25 left...here comes the dealer push. I ask, once again...if he will please wait to push in. "I can't." What? "Well, when I asked a tourney floor person about it several months ago, I was told they would start doing this for us". His reply? "We don't go by YOUR clock! We go by a different clock." Oh? Really? That would be the clock of "Fuck You Monkey!???"

Now, the thing is...I get it...see they push every 30 minutes. And for some reason...that 1 and a half minute delay is going to REALLLLLY fuck things up, isnt it? But instead of saying something like..."Hey, I understand your concern on that, can I ask if its okay?" Sure! That would be fine! Not...the reaction they give you....long face...monotone reply...followed by the FUCK YOU outcome. How miserable are these people? Like...when I do win at this place...what the hell is my motivation to tip these malcontents?

I can't tell you how many times my freaking wife responds to these stories with comebacks like "Sweetie, they arent trying to be rude to you, they like you." If she tells me one more time that so and so really likes me...then they give me a 5 dose helping of attitude, I swear...I am going to eat my damn flip flops. Bottom line...I am really getting sick of it!

Cue the next topic. Boy this entry is becoming long. Whatever. FINE! Got a lot to say. And somewhere on my PS3 are terrorists needing to be killed that I still haven't gotten to. And oh...great...there goes the garage door opener...Squirrel is home. You know this ... and if you happen to miss that sound, both dogs confirm it when they go flying off the bed and bust a move to the kitchen door to welcome her home. Its so funny. Nothing like walking through that door and seeing both of them standing there...tails wagging, Mollie jumping up and down about three feet in the air. I love dogs. I wish I would find a magic lamp...rub it...have a Genie pop out...grant me 3 wishes. That is so easy.

Wish #1. 100 million dollars. That should be enough.
Wish #2. Let me live the next 40 years without ONE single physical ailment.
Wish #3. The planet has 6 billion people on it. Turn 5 billion of them into dogs.

World peace? Please. Like that will ever happen. Universal Health Care? Get real. A cure for cancer? Pffft. The medical profession makes too much off the simple treatment of cancer for that to ever happen. Nope, those three are perfect.

DONE. The world, my world...is now perfect!

Oh yeah. Back to cueing my next topic. Got an interesting email from a friend the other day. Seems they have hired a new Poker Tournament Director at the I.P. Someone we all know pretty well. In case its a secret, I won't reveal the name here. However, this friend suggested I email the head guy over there and maybe float some ideas. He gave me his email address. So...I did. Sent him a 'see if he gives a shit' email first. He immediately emailed me back, asking for my thoughts. Okay. So I wrote him back. Threw out a lot of good ideas. For daily/nightly tourneys during the week. For future events as well. I will go on the record as saying that I don't really CARE who gets the most business. I really don't. Obviously, if I had to choose, I would much rather see the Beau Rivage running great events every day, since my wife works there, and frankly I really love the casino in general. I just enjoy walking in there.

What I do care about is where there is GOOD poker. Where the tourney directors hear what WE players are looking for, and try to appease us. This whole...you will TAKE THIS structure and LIKE IT attitude needs to change. And so, if I can find someone who is eager to take the steps necessary to build a product that is almost guaranteed to succeed, and is willing to entertain those ideas...well, then I am (of course) willing to support them in that task.

Now, I am a huge OPPONENT of the whole 'competing in the same time slot' with each other move that so many casinos like to seem to get wrapped up in. It is SO fucking idiotic. IP was doing it for awhile with the Beau a couple years ago. Ceasers tried that shit again this summer with Venetian, and got the living crap kicked out of them. When someone finally FIGURES OUT that the smart thing to do is run your tourneys an hour or two on the heels of other tourneys...you stand to increase your player field by 20 to 30%. While not hurting the other casino, if anything, HELPING the other casino.

[Something I learned 15 years ago when I owned a bar in Atlanta's very crowded section of town called Buckhead. The stupid bar owners there tried to run promotions and do things that would keep people from going to the other bars. Totally moronic strategy. Buckhead was a place where you would drive to, park, and walk around. Similar to Ybor City down in Tampa Bay. You wanted to attract as many people as possible to the AREA..thus, you tried to work WITH the other bars. Me and my partners did this, and it was VERY successful. It sort of applies in the arena of poker as well]


Furthermore...if you give those players a GREAT structure...some might even choose to skip that earlier tourney altogether. So they have their choice if they are loyal to a particular casino. There is a lot of potential in this town to absolutely kick ass in tourney poker for the casinos. It is NOT rocket science.

I see that the Beau tweaked their structures a little bit for this upcoming event. I was glad to see that. Its a start. And its going to make the event better. But its not anything that is going to cause all the players to just spontaneously break out in song and dance....with glee...but it will at LEAST be better than that abortion they just ran up north.

Speaking of that nightmare...congrats to a couple guys I like a lot. Jeremy Gaubert...'aka the Chemist' who I met through Bryan Lanoix...and who seems to just destroy online poker...won that bitch. I have had Jeremy at my table a few times in the last year. Very, very quiet guy. Yeah. We are polar opposites. I like the guy though. Good player. And Chris Moneymaker, who I chatted with quite a bit in that last week up there...just steamrolled his way to the Final Table...ended up taking 3rd...and my good buddy Chad Brown...who got 2nd billing behind his wife Vanessa Rousso while up there, played very solid poker and finished 4th for a nice little 48k score. Lot of people I like and respect did well up there...so that's at least nice. For them. Anxious to do dinner with Chad and Vanessa with Squirrel in a couple weeks. Chad's always good for some interesting dinner conversations!

Ohhhhhh isnt this nice! I am watching 'World News Now' anchored by two ding-bat moron broads...who both seem like they have a combined IQ of 67 and a total of maybe a year in the journalism industry...who have decided to address the topic of Rick Pitino cheating on his wife....SIX YEARS AGO....admitting it (mainly because he is ducking a 10million dollar lawsuit by the bitch trying to blackmail his ass!) and now having to deal with these fucking losers doing these polls...."Should Rick Pitino be allowed to keep his job!???" WHAT THE FUCK!? He is a Damn BASKETBALL COACH! He isnt a preacher! Or a politician! (yeah, like THAT even matters anymore!) Or a ...hell I don't know. WHO CARES!??? Some whiny ass responses just cracked me and Squirrel up...thank God we both agree on this one!...."Hes a mentor and a role model...he should be fired to set an example." Huh? Mentor? Role model? He is in charge of a multi-million dollar basketball MACHINE...that recruits some of the top players in the country...who are not going there to be MENTORED, or to become better human beings! You fucking idiots! They are going there because they want to be in the NBA you dumbasses! They are on TV constantly. They play in the NCAA tourney. They play before a packed house. You think these thugs give a shit if their coach is banging some piece of strange behind his wife's back? If anything...they probably think more of him, which is kind of sad....yet true. "Yo dog...wasssup wassssup! Saw you wit that nice piece of trim last nice, playa! Good loookin out coach!"

Then they follow up that retarded poll with a 'special segment' that features this 'cute' (their words not mine) little black kid all dressed up in a suit (about 10 or 11 btw) who's 'dream' is to interview the President. Of course it is. So he gets his wish. Not sure where they found this kid...he talks like he might have missed all of his English classes for the last 3 or 6 years. At least half of them. So he struggles through his 3 very scripted questions...and its very OBVIOUS he isn't even LISTENING to Obama's response...merely waiting for him to quit talking so he can ask the next one...maybe the most ridiculously staged 'interview' I've ever seen in 42 years of breathing this planet's oxygen. Then...at the end...he comes out with this gem. "Now that I have interviewed you...can we be homeboys?" Yeah. No shit. Homeboys. Uh...yeah...sure thing 'homey!!!' Wow, I'm so proud to be an American.

I've concluded that I would much rather write on here and NEVER talk about poker. Poker talk makes me irritated and usually hostile. Especially when I get around to tonight. Talking about this other shit....well, it pretty much makes me forget why I was so pissed off while driving home tonight. Yeah, think its safe to say that I have repressed this evening. Ahhh...but lurking below what I am typing are these pictures I have already uploaded. So....shit! Lets do this!

Last night...I play on Pokerstars. For hours. Long story short. I lost around $300. At one stretch I bubbled....no no...didn't go out 3 or 4 from the money...FUCKIN BUBBLED...4 out of 5 sngs. And oh...on EVERY hand I was ahead. It was another typical online poker shitstorm. I HATE online poker. I hate the assholes who play on there. I hate the horrible play. I hate the inevitably horrible outcomes. I hate the various holes in my walls and the shattered mouse(s) that lie around my home. While I was playing online...Squirrel had gotten off early and was losing $300 at the IP playing $1/$2. Great night for the home team.

So tonight, I decide...'Hey! Lets go to the Beau Rivage and play that $120 donkfest!' Why not. I go. I get there ON TIME! Yeah! ME! Well, with 20 minute levels, you sort of HAVE to be on time. Plus, they only let you in for 20 minutes...which, I'm sorry, is retarded. No clue why they don't take regristration for at LEAST two levels, and realistically three, especially with 20 minute levels. Wouldn't it be a good idea to TRY and get more than 50 players every night?

I draw a table which has Me, Kai Landry...and two other good players...then 3 assbandits and 2 unknowns. Good player (well, 6x in level 2?) raises from 50/100 to 600 behind 5 limpers. Hmmmm....wow. I have 10-10. Those troublesome 10's again. I call. I flop a nice one. Q-10-8. Rainbow. I check. He bets 1000. I raise to 2500. He flats it. (later tells me he was going to move all in. DAMN!) 9 on the turn. Ick! Not a good turn card. I check. He checks. Interesting. River is harmless. A three. I bet 1000. Kind of a weird bet, but whatever. He calls. AA. Nice. Then Kai gets a nice courtesy double up. Holding 44 against AGRO-aggressive AK boy...the flop comes AK4. Nice. See ya dude.

Then I get AA behind four 200 limpers. I make it 750. This guy who has been calling EVERY FUCKING raise calls again. (Kai has labeled this 'The Leg Humper'...pretty funny! A person, who no matter what you do, how much you raise, how often you raise...will never leave you alone.) Lovely. Other two fold. Flop comes 6 high...with two hearts. He checks. I bet 2k. He raises to 4k. Alright...fuck this clown. I have grown VERY sick of this guy already. I move in for another 10k. He sits there...hmmmm...okay, that feels like a flush draw. I tell him..."Go ahead man...chase your flush draw!" He calls. Turns over KK. Whoa. Huh? Didn't see THAT coming. Thankfully (thank you Michelle) he manages to NOT hit a K on me. Fat double up.

I get QQ to hold up later. I get JJ to hold up. Hmmm...things are looking good.
Then get moved to a new table. Pick up AA. Keep it short. Felt a guy with 88....for another 12k pot. And suddenly...with 35 players left...I am sitting on 60k in chips. Blinds are 600/1200. Things are looking pretty good. Kai comes back to my table.

SEE this guys face? Just in case you can't see him very well, I took a CLOSE UP! If you see this guy at your table...EVER...BEWARE! This guy is TRULY AWFUL! And what's equally horrifying, is that he knows it. He is proud of it. He won't deny it. Which is the most dangerous of ALL poker players, right!??? If he has an ACE...any ace...and there are still cards to come...he WILL NOT fold! Also, if he has a Q...same deal. That hat is wearing is a Kevin Harvick #29 hat. He's apparantly a NASCAR guy! These guys are really easy to play against. (sense the sarcasm there, its dripping wet!) This guy is one of those guys who all you fuckers keep saying things about..things like..."Monkey, c'mon dude, you WANT those guys in poker man!!!" Um...again, I will reiterate...NO MOTHERFUCKER..>NO I DO NOT NEED THESE JACKASSES IN POKER!!!!!



See this picture above? See the picture below? That would be Kai. Goooood 'ol Kai. See the body language? See the absence of chips? Mmmm...blinds are 400/800. Mr NASCAR limps in middle position with AJ. Interesting play sir. Kai gets a free flop in the BB with Kx. Flop comes...K-8-3 or something like that, rainbow flop. Kai bets out 1500. Dude calls. Kai must be concerned. Turn is a 10. Kai bets 6000. Obviously NOT concerned. GoGoHarvick....scratches his head...that usually means fold, right? Rubs his chin. Counts his chips...All classic signs when they are 'gonna fold.' Right? I'm looking at Kai...no idea where he is on this hand. Then...the genius calls. River? Well...duh...ace! This seem to be what I ran into online yesterday...about 19,003 times. Kai checks. Does fuckstick bet? No, why would he bet? He just made his hand! Better check it too! Retard. Kai then goes into this pose! Caught on film for all the world to agonize along with him!!!! Kai would end up going out 10th. Ugh....lucky for him we had swapped 20% when we both had a lot of chips.

Yes, Kai got whacked. But I had around 100k now. I fully intended to win this damn tourney. First place was $2100, with 72 players. Pretty good field. I wanted this damn thing. I raise with 88. Guy in the BB, old, demented and in love with ANY Queen like the other guy...INSTA-shoves! for....three times my raise. He turns over Q7. WHAT? "Um...Q-7 sir? Really?" What does he say? "I had no choice!" No choice? Where do these people come from? Flop? Nothing. For him. Turn? Nothing for him. River? How bout a fucking QUEEN!??? Jeezuz H christ! There goes 20k.






Do you see the stack below? This is what we call....A GOOD STACK. These stacks are fun to have in front of you. They are even more fun when they get bigger. This is what happens when you are somehow able to dodge idiots and assclowns. Somehow...when I am at the Beau Rivage...and especially in a nightly tournament...I am unable to do this. Do you see the smile on the Raising Monkey's face? He's excited, because he thinks he is about to be posing for another 'victory shot' tonight. But hey! He is about to get bitch slapped. Again! By the curse of POCKET ACES AT THE FINAL TABLE FOR MONKEY!






With 8 players left...and a whopping $350 to go out now...I watch as Harvick over there limps UTG for 4k. The guy on my left is still chipleader I think...but is burning chips like crazy by raising with shit hands and getting priced into calls against small stacks and watching people double up left and right thanks to him. So I am gathering momentum while he is losing it. When I look down at AA I think to myself..."Hmmm, self, this is the loosest, worst player at the table...do I want to just flat call here, and hope the guy on my left does something crazy preflop? Or should I just avoid a major disaster here and raise and take this down...or get a loose call from the moron and take even more?"


Yeah...better just play it smart. I raise...from 4k to 15k. BB folds. And our hero...he calls. Of course he does. Flop comes QQ4. Hmmm. Guess thats an okay flop. I hope. Maybe. I check, kind of hoping (I think) to induce a bet. Oh he bets alright. He bets ALL IN! He has managed to somehow accumulate 85k in chips through a recent flurry of suckouts. He's all in? Well jeezus what is that? He must think I have AK....and has some middle pair. Why would anyone go all in there with a Q in their hand? Well, here is the problem. I am not up against a GOOD player. I am up against a guy who just had a labotomy last week.

I call. And....of course, he has KQ offsuit. You gotta be kidding me. (*@#^@#$(*&$#(*&! Every goddddamn time! AA....right up my ass! Leaves me with a whopping 27k. Blinds going up to 4k/8k with 2k after break. Wonderful. Son of a BITCHCHHHHHH!



First hand back after break. I pick up AQ. I move in. Guy in the SB...calls. BB calls. This should be good. I completely miss everything...and at showdown...SB turns over...drumroll please...the ever infamous K10! Of course he does! Goooood 'ol King Ten! And I am out....8th.


I go pay Kai his $70. And that is when it happens. "Hey Monkey...come on, sit down...play some 1/2 for ahwile?" Why? So I can lose about $600? Cuz I know that is what will happen! So what do I do? I sit down. Lets see....okay, just for the record...BOB...who's last name I don't remember...but who plays a LOT of tourneys with me...and who I used to have NOTHING against...is now firmly imbedded on my shit list. I cannot WAIT for the next Beau event to start...cuz I know this guy will be there. I am going HUNTING for him. Every chance I get. When I raise...he doesnt fold. EVER. I have the misfortune of losing my first $125 to him...when I raise with Ac10c. He re-raises light. I call. Flop comes 10 high with two clubs. He bets out half the pot. He only has about $100 behind. I put him all in. He has JJ. It holds. FUCK! Fair enough. He was ahead.

There were several other hands I lost in very irritating fashion. And how many open-ended straight draws and/or flush draws I could miss in one night before setting a new record was kind of becoming my question of the year!


Then...the BIG ONE....vs. fucking BOB. I was getting NO respect on my raises...so...with BOB again straddling for $5...and five callers, I look down at AA. I raise to $25. Bob calls. Of course Bob calls. One other person called. The flop comes 2-3-5. Bob checks. Other guy checks. I bet $100. Bob goes all in...for $198. Other guy folds. What the fuck!??? I can't really fold now. I call. He has.....I'm not kidding....2-3. Yeah. DEUCE FUCKING THREE. And of course I can't hit a 5, an A or a 4 for the straight. That was it. Time to get the hell out of there. I kissed Kai goodnight (okay I punched him in the face!) said the very standard "Okay, everyone, thats its for me...have a nice night!"waltzed over to the counter...cashed out...and bolted for my car. Cursing Bob all the way home. And re-writing the lyrics to the current song I was hearing to mirror how I was feeling at the moment.



Why.....why in the HELLLLLLL...do I run so FUCKING bad in cash game? And especially at the Beau Rivage. Beautiful Shore. Pffffft. The shore is gross. The water is disgusting. Seems like a good place to go drown! Nice name. The players......ughh@!(&##&*(!@)((!*) this is what makes me HATE poker! Nights like this! Players like those. Luck like I have at the Final Table with aces. Dealers who make my skin crawl with irritation. I guess I am supposed to feel good because I made the Final Table on my first tourney back at the Beau in over three months, huh? Well, I don't. I really wanted to win that damn tourney. Whatever. Hope you enjoyed this novel. Its now 5am. I'm ridiculous!



Monkey