Home From Hell!

Can you guys believe that I did not take ONE SINGLE picture while in Tunica?
Why, you ask? I'm not really sure. I guess I was just...I don't know, completely lifeless up there. From having the book thrown at me on Day 1, when I actually cashed a tournament...to the subsequent 0 for 13 run in sit n go's, before getting semi-hot and winning 6 of my last 11 to finish 6 for 24 in that category and salvage some dignity, some pride, and some of my backers' bankroll...I guess it was just kind of one of those typical Tunica shitstorms that had me just wanting to survive it.

And honestly, can we be real for a second? At some point, you would like to take pictures of people because they have done something unique. Something original. Something that would qualify as 'interesting' in my world, that would lead me to want to include them in my barn. But when I walk in, sit down, see these guys who ALL look the same...bad golf shirt, or some stupid shirt with fish all over it, or a Tommy Bahama shirt, or their favorite SEC football team...along with sunglasses that are always too dark, a hairdo that is always at least ten years behind the times, often times something sticking out of their mouth...whether it be a toothpick, a straw, or a disgusting cigar, and most of them possessing that look of a guy who is either (a)in the middle of a horrible marriage, (b)struggling through life in a job he hates (c)on the verge of a 12-step program, or (d)clueless as to his place in the world. This is what I see every day when I sit down in MOST poker tournaments everywhere...but no where more so than in Tunica, Missa-freaking-sippi.

And thats just what I see when I sit down and look around the table. The amount of time it takes to induct them for membership into the BARN is usually less time than it takes to get the attention of the cocktail waitress for the first time that day. How many times can see a guy raise anywhere from 5 to 15x to start out the action before you want to just take out a 2x4 and start beating on the back of someones chair with it. "TRY PLAYING A FLOP! ONCE IN YOUR LIFE YOU FUCKING LOSER......DO IT! I DARE YOU! THEY ARE JACKS PAL! OR QUEENS MAYBE! WHY MUST YOU BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY! TRY A 2.5X RAISE ONE TIME YOU SCARED ASSHOLE! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE KK AND YOU RAISED 6X SO YOU COULD WIN A POT OF 75 CHIPS! YOU RULE! OH AND BTW, YOU WONT SEE THAT HAND EVER AGAIN! OH YOU MIGHT! IF YOU WERE ANY GOOD! LIKE MAYBE IN LEVEL 10. BUT DUDE, YOU WILL NOT BE MAKING LEVEL 10! WHY? BECAUSE YOU SUCK ASS! THATS WHY!"

You know how many times I have this screaming tirade in my head when I am up there? Maybe 30 times a day! I believe when I go up there, that I am almost always left completely drained...that at the end of the event, I can feel the rigors of mentally taking someone and pulling them apart...one tiny piece of flesh at a time. 30 times a day. For up to 10 days. Thats 300 times having to spasmautically kill someone in my mind. And you wonder why I am so completely lifeless right now? Wow.

So yesterday...same old shit. Played the 4pm Mega. Lost. Played the 8pm Mega, lost. Oh I started pretty good. And the last Mega before the Main Event is usually the one that I win. I had Mike Leah join my table in Level 2. I know Mike well. I started out hating his guts last year at the Rio, when we would both get deep in a 7pm tourney over there. We got into it pretty good. He has a pretty mercurial personality. Well, then throughout the year, I would come to find out that he runs around with, and is friends with a lot of the same people as me. So it was one of those..."Oh, I guess we have to kind of like each now" kind of deal. He's okay I guess. He still has a fucking ridiculous hair cut. But he is a good player. He is #6 in POY right now, and has 7 Final Tables also. So whatever. I'm not thrilled that he is at my table, although he does respect my raises, or at least I THOUGHT he did.

He makes his first 'move' when a couple people limp for 100. He makes it 350. The guy on my left was playing very strange poker. He limped with KK, QQ and JJ. JJ against me once...when the flop came A-9-4. I check. He checked. 3 on the turn. I had 9-5 by the way. I bet. He calls. 2 on the river. I bet small again. He calls. Turns over JJ. HUH? Well, he limps with KK. Mike makes it 350, with J8. This guy with KK just calls. The flop comes J-J-10. Must be nice. Can't remember the exact betting. But the turn was another 10. Followed by ANOTHER 10 on the river. Wow. A lot of money goes in, and Mike wins. And I am looking at this guy on my left...and thinking...."What the fuck are YOU smoking, dude?" And I am looking at Mike and thinking..."How do you run so fucking good!?"

I would get a pretty nice stack. About 13k...from a ridiculous starting stack of 6k. Ron the Railroad Guy raises from 150/300 to 1000. I look down at QQ and make it 2000. He goes all in for another 3300. Shit. "Ron do you have KK sir?" "Yeah Monkey, do you have AA again??" No, man...I have QQ. Nice hand! Shit. It holds. Fuck! That hurts...knocks me back down to about 6500 or so. I pick up AK. UTG. I raise to 750. Guy on my left calls (with QQ) and Mike makes it 2200. Now, I kind of think Mike is pulling a resteal, so the last damn thing I am going to do is flat call 2200. And I have enough to make him fold, if he IS stealing. So I move all in for...mmm, not sure, but it was I think 3800 more for him to call. The guy behind me calls. And Mikes asks..."how big, Monkey?" "Well, you are about to find out!" Couple people laugh. He calls. He has JJ. Wow. Kind of surprised that (a) he re-raised in that position with Jacks, and that (b) he called my re-raise all in with Jacks. But he did. I flopped a King. But then he hits a fucking Jack. Me and the other guy were done. Now, I think if that other guy had re-raised ME with QQ...that Mike might actually have folded JJ right there...or at the least just flatted...and then when I went ALL IN behind him...and he called, I can't see how Mike could have possibly called with JJ. Oh well, it is what it is...and what it is...is me losing the Mega and missing out on my shot to play the Main Event...unless I could pull off something magical. And I almost did.

I decided not to get in my car, which I had packed that morning with all my stuff and had out in the valet, and leave immediately. Nope, I owed my backer and myself one more shot. The goal was to play a $125, win it...play another $125, win IT...then play a $550 and win IT. The plan was going pretty well. I play one, and won it. I played the next one, and won IT too. Wow. Then I wanted to play a $550, but I missed out on the one they just filled, and had to settle for another $125. I went and won THAT ONE too! Three in a row! But now it was getting very late. A $550 probably wasnt going to happen now. So I played one more $125, and alas, lost that one. So it was 3am. Hmmm. Couple guys offered me a room to sleep in. So I could come back in the morning and try to win a $550 single table and get in. Finally, I made a decision that I don't regret. I got some people to buy up all my chips...using the always effective "Hey guys..would you PLEASE help ME out, and buy these chips off of me so I can get in my car and get the hell out of dodge?" It worked...much better than the "Does anyone WANT to buy a chip!???" method!

I went to valet, got my car...and left. I stopped off at Waffle House. I had a relatively decent dining experience...and started driving. I got about 80 miles when I couldn't keep my eyes open any more. Pulled over at a rest area and slept for 4 hours. Got home about 3. Now I have to put together this freaking monstrous TV stand that my new 55' Samsung that they delivered yesterday will be sitting on. My gawd, I think an engineering degree is required to assemble this bitch. And of course its Sunday night, and Squirrel is having 'the girls' over tonight, which means she is cracking the whip to get it finished. Lovely.

More shenanigans on the message board I see. You guys are out of control! Alright, thats all for me boys and girls. Lets see if I can make my brain do something that doesnt involve poker. The over/under on me finishing this bitch is 10:45pm. It is currently 6:55pm.

MONKEY