Things that make NO sense...or do they?

Like that title?

Its so perfect for today's content. And what's funny, is last night as I was jotting things down on my phone, which contains an 'app' called 'NOTES' I have one that I label Random Thoughts that I use expressly for this blog. I had added about 5 items yesterday.

So, I have this dream last night. So weird. I am attending some 'event' somewhere. There are two dorks sitting behind our row, they both have those stupid hats on that allow you to drink two beverages through two large, long straws. You know these guys...dorks. At some point I attempt to get to my seat by stepping down over theirs. Dork #1 stands up, and invades my personal space to tell me that is not the way to get to my seat. Then tries to get me to do some gay fucking combination fist bump, high five, hand salute. I get my friend (whoever it was I was with) and decide to move down to other seats...closer to the action. Just then, it suddenly becomes a Memphis basketball game. I don't know this because their are hoops players on the court...I know because the PA guy starts telling us. They havent even brought out the floor yet.

Before that happens, I decide to call Allie Prescott to find out where his seats are...since he has season tickets, and I know he is currently in Vegas (for another week, before flying off to Macau). He answers. "Section 6, about 2 rows up...I have seat 110-115...take them!" As I am hanging up with Allie, I lose the grip on my phone and drop it into the bathtub! I quickly pull it out and try to quickly dry it off....DAMMIT! Wait...bathtub? Where did THAT come from!??

Okay, so as I am moving down to them...I suddenly see them bringing out a Tiger...a real tiger, obviously their mascot. Then....out of nowhere...my black lab Jasper goes running by me...being chased by Mollie, my other black lab/pit bull/something else mixed black dog...only she has been transformed into a fucking Hyena. WTF? Oh God, Oh God...they are going after the Tiger....my dogs...errr...dog and a hyena...are about to get killed. Nope, instead they start sniffing each others' butts. Standard.

That is when I am woken up at like 7:18am...by my cell phone ringing...by someone from area code 412, which after looking it up...is somewhere near Pittsburgh. Who the hell do I know from Pittsburgh? They hang up when I answer. Hey...at least my phone is working! This is how my day started.

Yesterday, I didn't get down to the poker room until about 2. I could only find a $65 SNG. What the hell...okay. Play it. Get down to 3. Have already won the $100 last longer. Could this be the day I turn it around? Blinds are 600/1200. Guy raises me in SB, I have A10...I push...he has 99. It holds. Another 3rd place. Shit. THen I go find a REAL SNG....and low and behold...I win. Thats right. I win. And it was the most improbably of victories. On the first hand, I limp for 50 with AJ UTG. Four callers and this old guy in the SB makes it 450. Jeezuz. Here we go again. He got three callers. His c-bet was 750. This would establish a pattern. This old guy would play, and I am not lying here...85% of the hands. He would raise on 80% of those. He would c-bet EVERY time he had the chance...and always way too much. But it was effective. Unless someone had the nuts...like one guy did with KK, where the guy was caught sittting there holding K7...nice! Another time...a guy limps with A10h...gets three other limpers...and old man goes all in....for like 1650. The A10 guy calls. Old guy had Q10 off. And of course, he hits a Q. We all grimace. This would go on and on...no way I can beat this guy...its two winners, maybe he will just beat everyone else. I decided I wasn't going to get involved with this guy unless I had AA or KK.

But he keeps going from Big stack to short stack...back and forth. Meanwhile, at the table...is Jennifer from Arkansas...chewing her gum again, smacking on it with her mouth open...her eyes blinking like someone with a nervous condition...talking...talking...and talking some more...telling us all about every hand from every previous sit n go, driving me to put on my iPod. My gawd...do I come across this way when I am in my chatty mode? I sure as hell hope not. Well, as she is babbling she is also making one awful play after another, one time losing nearly all her chips. Fun hand. Old rock raises UTG...she calls. Flop comes Q-J-4. He has QQ. He checks. She bets, too much (as usual)...he gives the sterotypical 'false tell' which Jennifer has yet to learn, you know? The look of disappointment and disgust, after she bets...and his subsequent...'oh well' call. Jenny turns her lucky set of 3's on the turn...and as you can predict gets stacked for all but 800 chips. She later gets it in bad (at 100/200) against three all ins behind her...(QJ/10-10/88) with A9 offsuit. She somehow rivers an Ace...and takes the main pot.

I will cut to the chase of this abomination. We are now 4 handed. I have a healthy stack of about 6500 now. Old man has about 6600. Jenny has 7600. And this other guy has 1200. Blinds are 300/600. I am in the BB. Jenny raises to 2000. This, while she is babbling about another story that no one is paying attention to...while looking all over the room for this person and that person...basically NOT paying attention to the action behind her. Shortstack folds. The old crazy guy calls. He has A2. I fold. Dealer announces "Heads Up" and dumdum turns her cards over...literally throws them out into the middle of the table...JJ...for everyone to see....then WHHOOOPPPS, quickly pulls them back. The old guy was looking RIGHT at the middle of the table, so naturally we assumed he saw them. I mean, unless he was (a)blind, or (b) sleeping...how could he NOT see them?

Flop comes A-2-Q. Hahahahah. I start laughing in my head. As I wait for this guy to bet something...ANYTHING. But he checks! I say to Jen..."Kind of screwed yourself there, didn't ya?" She has that deer in the headlights look on her face......uhhh, ummmm..welll....I don't know...maybe not. Maybe not indeed. A jack hits the turn. Are you kidding me? Here's the good part. The old guy? He moves all in! Which would REALLY be funny if he had K-10. But I already told you...he has A2. She uh....calls. He doesn't hit an Ace or a two...and is OUT! I just sit there shaking my head. How do some people get so damn lucky? On the next hand...the guy with 1200 goes all in. I call for 900 more. And hope to God Jenny doesnt do something stupid. She calls the 600 more. I have 10-7. Flop comes K-7-7. He pumps his fist. Really? I guess I better not bet. Check. Turn a 3. River an K. He says "I think I got counterfeited" and now I know I'm good. I was, he had 55...he was dead to the 5 the whole way. Game over. Finally, a win. In the most unlikely of fashions.

In the next one I would get an early double up. But alas, another stupid old guy...who calls with a verrrrry wide range of hands. I raise to 500 with QQ (100/200). He INSTA SHOVES 1900. Yeah...guess he found an Ace. I call. AJ. Ace right on the flop. Lovely. At some point in the game...I hear him say to someone else at the table..."I never criticize peoples' play, I just either win or lose. If I lose, I shake it off...its just poker." This wasn't targeted at me. Since I hadn't said anything...just laughed. Like I've been doing all week. But after he said this, in my mind...I was thinking..."Hmmm..yeah, I can't see how you...being as bad as you are...could possibly find the spot to be criticizing ANYONE's play." A few hands later I would get it all in with 10-10...for a decent amount...and get called by the BB with K9. Flop comes A-K-K. Isnt that great. OUT!

I play another 125. James Ray from Mobile is playing. He is sipping Grand Marnier. Can't figure out why I am not my 'usual loud, fun, boisterous self.' What he doesn't understand is two things. (1) I've really mellowed out a lot. (2) I am under the watchful, ominous eye of a certain tourney hitler..I mean, dictator...I mean...supervisor...and (3) this place has pretty much sucked the joy out of me the last week. Sorry, thats three things. Well, in this one...some clown raises to 350 UTG, at 25/50. I look down at AA in the SB. I mumble to myself..."Hmmm..I wonder if over-bettor boy over there is pot committed to that raise?" I raise to 850. He goes all in. I call of course. He has Q10. Flop comes J-8-3. Oh boy...go ahead..give him his 9. Nope. Shockingly he doesnt get it. I get 3-handed with James Ray...and Danny, who also is a dealer, but not tonight. We play 3 handed for two levels, and since James and I had already chopped up $240 each in last longer money, we do a 3-way chop. Won the same as I would have if only two had won. So I took my two wins for the day...and called it acceptable.

Okay. To some things that make no sense, like that dream I had. First of all, before I say anything else...not sure why, but up 'here' they like to play commercials with Paula Deen. CONSTANTLY. I know the buffet at the Harrahs is named after her. Maybe that has something to do with it. But if I have to see her face...or hear her "Ya'all" one more time, I am going to kill myself.

As I walk from the Horseshoe to the Goldstrike I pass by two seperate bars with Mini-Stages behind them...both with bands (usually horrible) on them playing tacky music. And inevitably, what I see in the crowd is causing me to either (a) laugh (b) cringe (c) thank the Lord for giving me Squirrel. I just wonder...how mean/critical am I being when I see that lady who is about 65 to 70...about 140 pounds over weight...dancing...and dancing like its her job....badly. Am I being unfair? Does everyone normal have this reaction? I don't THINK I am a mean person...but I can't help these situations.

And then there is the other situation. Attire. What are these people wearing? I mean, I am not like, Designer Monkey or anything, but I know what looks good, I know what is IN style. I KNOW what looks bad! It was like, when I was in Vegas...90% of the people I saw everyday, especially at Venetian, dress great. Its nice to be surrounded by people who know how to make themselves look presentable. Who are in tune with the styles of 2009, not 1986. It motivates me to ONLY want to play poker in places like...mmmm, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Monte Carlo, Paris, Sydney, Macau. Not, on the other hand...Tunica, anywhere in Oklahoma, Coushatta, most likely Atlantic City, unless its really changed since my last visit, any Florida dogtrack casino, anywhere in Indiana, Hammond or Elizabethtown...or whatever that dump is called across the river from Louisville. Is this unfair to feel like this? Why does it annoy me so much? Why does it matter? Its just poker right? Why should I care what these people look like? I guess because somehow I feel like I'm guilty by association. I am one of them. Yet...it doesn't make me want to dress bad. Or grow a mullet. Or put on 100 pounds just cuz.

Here is another thing that makes no sense. When you win a SNG you are given tournament buy in chips. In increments of $100. You may use a chip to buy into a $125 SNG. Or anything larger. Or, of course, tourneys. Now, someone may accrue a large collection of these...if they happen to be running good, which of course in Tunica...I rarely do. There is this thing people do, and I have been trying to help them not be such a retard about it. But inevitably they shoot you that "why do you have to be such an asshole" facial expression.

Here is how it goes down. Player approaches your SNG that hasn't started yet...and shouts out...."Does anyone WANT to buy a chip!!!???" Okay. Look. Why would anyone WANT to buy a chip? Because you are offering it for a discounted amount? Say, $90? No? You want full value? So this guy who is about to buy into a $125 SNG with...gee...$125...suddenly WANTS to buy your chip for...wow...$125? Why? So, again...retards...I offer you this free bit of advice/information. IF...you are trying to unload your chips...the "WHO WANTS TO BUY A CHIP" method...is not the proper way to go about it! If you want to get rid of your chips...the proper approach is this...."Hi guys, I really need to get rid of these chips (see various reasons to cite here (a) I have to catch a flight (b)I dont play tourneys because I have horrible ADHD (c)I have a bad habit of losing these chips, you get the idea) and I would appreciate it if you would let me buy your $100 bill with my chip. It would really help me out. Thanks a lot." You get it? THEY are HELPING you buy taking that chip. You are not helping THEM. SO the "who wants to buy a chip" is like saying..."who wants a punch in the face!???" Get it???? God, I hope so.

So...I go to buy into a $235 yesterday. I play two hundred dollar bills, and two twenty dollar bills on the table. I go to buy a slice of pizza. While I am gone, Jenny decides to help herself to one of my $100 bills, replacing it with a 100 chip. When I return, I now have $220 laying there and the dealer telling me I owe another $10. What? Um...no! As I left the table, I literally looked at the dealer and said, I am leaving $240 there. I will be back. Fortunately he remembered me saying that. So...with no one owning up to taking my $20, I requested that they call surveillance. I was not letting someone just steal $20 from me. I went to the bathroom. When I got back, it had magically reappeared. Interesting.

Yesterday, there were Mega Satellites at 4pm and 8pm. I was in a SNG at 4. And I looked at the structure of the thing, and almost puked. 6000 starting chips. 30 minute levels, with the Deepstack/Turbo structure of the previous tourneys. You gotta be kidding me. A $550 Mega with a crapshoot structure. Unreal. They got like 55. The room was dead. Only 4 SNGs going on. It was 6pm now. I had a feeling the 8pm was going to get about 30. No way I am playing that. So I went and visited the buffet again. Why? Everytime I do this, I end up spending the next 9 hours running back and forth to the bathroom. There must be some kind of freakishly bizzare chemical that they are putting in that food that just destroys your insides.

Late last night, I walk down to the cafe to get something to go. "Oh I'm sorry sir, we don't do to-go orders. You have to be seated to eat." WHAT? Are you kidding me? So let me see if I have this right. I could sit down. Order something. Tell the waiter something came up...I need to go, please package this up...and leave. Right? A to-go order? Whatever. As I walk away, I see something I didn't even know existed...Chicago Steakhouse. Its totally hidden in this corner of the Goldstrike. Wow. Looked at the menu. Bison Ribeye. Whoa. I think maybe tonight I will treat myself to a nice steak dinner. If I am still here.

I'm in a weird spot. I really DO want to play this Main Event. It actually has a decent structure. 20,000 starting chips. 70 minute levels. There will at least be SOME good players here, I know Chad and Vanessa will be here. Moneymaker is here, talked to him last night...he ended up winning the 4pm Mega. Robert Williamson is here. I know Shaun Deeb is here because someone said he was looking for me 4 days ago. Probably sitting up in his room playing online waiting on the Main Event to start. And then some of the other guys like Rodney Shows and a few other locals who play every Main Event. Plus I want to try to win something that is worth winning. But my gawd...that Mega structure...such shit. Granted, I am about 50% lately in Megas. Well, my room at the Horseshoe is up today...and I am literally packing right now. I have to put everything in my car. Everything up here is sold out...OH! Wait...yeah, no it isnt.

Here is YET another thing that makes no sense. They give us a poker rate, right? $69 a night. You call and give a certain CODE...and you get the rate. But late last night, when I go to the front desk and ask for a poker rate room, the girl tells me, "Oh you have to get Beth Blevins or Ken Lambert to call down and approve it before we can do that...or its $199!" Huh? Whats the use of us getting a poker rate if we have to go run around and search for the right person to approve it? Doesn't Beth and Ken have anything more important to do than this? I would go crazy! Look...front desk...if the player tells you they are here for the poker tourney...and they are wearing poker garb...or GOD FORBID...give you the CODE....then GIVE THEM THE DAMN RATE! So, she tells me they have PLENTY of rooms tonight. Regardless, the strategy for today, is to put all my shit in my car...play from noon to 4 in SNGs...then the 4pm Mega...hopefully win that...if not, the 8pm Mega...if I lose both the Megas...I will then get in my car...and start driving...and not stop, til I get to Biloxi. After maybe eating a good dinner. Maybe not.

What I hope will happen, is that I go down...win 1 or 2 SNG's. Then play and win the 4pm Mega. Then book a room in the Goldstrike. Then go eat a steak dinner. Then go to my room, and pass out before 11pm. Get a lot of sleep, and come back to play the Main Event on Sunday at 2pm. Thats the plan.

Oh...oops, I forgot ONE more thing that doesn't make sense. Today...at noon, and tomorrow...at noon...they are running a $200 tournament. Huh? Why? Whats the point? Wouldn't it make more sense to run a Mega today (Saturday) at Noon, then 4, then 8? Instead, lets dilute the playing pool by running a meaningless $200 event at noon. Very weird. But then, to run one at noon the day of the Main Event? I am completely baffled by that move. Hey players...you that didn't make the Main Event...here is YOUR CHANCE to be in the same room as those guys who DID make it into the Main Event. You and about 66 other players will sit here...play this awful structured tourney...for a chance at about $2400, while these guys over here are trying to win $240,000! Enjoy yourselves!!!!

That's it. I've had about enough. I have to get a bellman and get the hell out of this room. Try to figure out which one of these two valet tickets is the right one to get my car out of jail. Still waiting to hear back from Ken about the Biloxi structures...but the momentum seems to be growing among a lot of the other players to skip the Biloxi event and shoot up to Atlantic City to play the Borgata tourney.

LATER.

MONKEY