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Thursday, August 11, 2011

I Have Found a Fun New Hobby!

Thank God. In this month of everything going wrong, I have finally found something that brings joy and excitement to my life. It's called Xtranormal. It's a website where you can make you're own movie, from animated characters. I spent the better part of an entire day dabbling on this site. Then I created a movie, based loosely on my summer experience at the World Series. I present for you...my very first production from 'Shock Monkey Productions.' Enjoy!





...here is another one that I found, similar in nature, but I like mine better...you be the judge.



I am currently working on my second production...which at this time is untitled, but a strong possibility is 'Purple vs Orange...for all the Marbles!!' Or...'The Monkey takes on the Troll.' See, there is this little Orange Asshole over in Spring, Texas...which is Houston's red-headed stepchild...who, despite not BEING a Facebook friend of mine (no, the seas have not yet parted) still likes to spend an inordinate amount of time cruising my wall to see where he can inject his venomous comments. I haven't taken the time to set my privacy settings to 'only allow friends to post on my wall' so for that reason, ANYONE...even an Oompa Loompa, can post comments, either nice...or evil, on my wall.



I don't feel that depriving EVERYONE from posting on my wall is very nice...on account of just one SuperAsshole...so I will just leave it as is. And after all, every time Chad 'Monty' Burns starts up one of his 'You're a 44 yr old faggot! You have a backer you SUCK! You should just kill yourself! I hope you get cancer! You're a parasite' rants (yes, his stage material is very, very unoriginal, lacks creative flair, and never seems to improve) he always seems to spark up a prairie fire from my fellow Facebook friends...every thread becomes somewhere between 50 and 100 comments long...and most are usually 'Monty' taking on every single one of them. 



Matter of fact, I woke up two days ago...to find a thread that was already 28 comments long...that I hadn't even COMMENTED on...but he had left some disparaging remark directed at one of the people who had left me a nice comment...and it just took off from there. Several people often ask "dude, Monkey? Is this guy for real? Seriously? Or is this just an act? It has to be right?"

I am sorry to say...that no. Chad Burns really is a live human being. He really is an asshole loser. He really does feature a whole photo collection of pictures of himself, taken by...you guessed it, himself. 



He honestly features photos of money...yeah...dolla dolla dolla bills y'all. 


And his amazing golf clubs. 


And cars...not his cars...OTHER people's cars. Cars he wishes he owned. And other folks' homes. Yah...kind of stalker'ish...but he's really just wishing he owned one, instead of renting a room from a local. Pretty sure he is on about his 5th room rental this calender year. Now he has taken to firing off 'C-word' blasts at one of my wife's best friends, when she merely chimed in about an episode of 'Family Guy.' Boy...what was SHE thinking?

In a sick, perverse way, I kind of find his wall assassination attempts to be kind of enjoyable. Because...honestly, its been a pretty depressing summer. After doing my spreadsheet (finally) for my backer, I was able to pull my head out of the dirt and see exactly where we ended up for the summer. Ugh. Then the 4Runner is on Day 14 of "4Runner Held Hostage" in Pensacola...and either me or the Safelite Auto Glass idiots are about to have to pony up $4k for the repairs to my car. It has entered the 'shouting at each other over the phone' phase with 'taking your ass to court' being the central theme. My trip to Seattle to see family had to be cancelled due to a lack of disposable funds. Its hot...every day...oh so hot...and it just won't stop raining. Meanwhile, Texas (I still hate you Texas) and New Mexico have turned into the Mojave, with cows turning into stray cats. Can we not send some of these rainstorms to those poor bastards?

Where are the hurricanes? The Gulf right now is about 90 friggin degrees. A hurricane's fantasy. I'm not going to lie...I would take a little excitement in my life right now, and a hurricane is perfect. 



Plus, I spent $85 before I left for Vegas getting my generator tuned up. I pulled the cord and fired that sucker up yesterday, just to make sure...as I pushed that damn mower around my yard again, dropping the deck yet another inch...which translates to an extra gallon of sweat, 22% more pain in my neck, arms and shoulders...and one more step closer to a heat stroke. Fortunately, I did one thing this week I have been putting off for months, years even. I ordered Life Insurance for the missus and I. I won't say for how much...since I don't want any 'Kill Monkey' conspirators lurking around out there.  Let's just say its for more than $1,000 but less than a $1m...so if you are thinking of offing me and pursuing Squirrel, it's probably not worth it.

My fantasy football leagues are nearly full. I have only 3 openings in each $100 league...and 4 openings in my $300 league. My Seahawks kick off the Preseason tomorrow night...or wait...TONIGHT! They take on San Diego. I know I know...its Preseason...but for awhile there it was looking like the season might not even happen, so I am pretty psyched.  What is really...and I mean...REALLY...screwed up are my pools. For over ten years now I  have been using Office Football Pool, the website. Well, he has gone all paranoia on us...and anyone he KNOWS that is offering pool action for money...and not just 'entertainment purposes' is getting the axe by his website. Now, how he expects to make any money is beyond me. But I am one that has gotten whacked. So, thinking I would be clever, I started a whole new user profile, and tried that slick move. Bzzzzzzz....he caught me. So I am now up to Plan C. With time running out quickly. I am close to just saying screw it. But hell...I am the damn POOL MONKEY...I can't just let this guy force me to quit, can I? What the hell!!!!???

My computer did one of those restarts in the middle of the night, and did a whole bunch of computer updates...and now my FireFox browser appears to be back in perfect harmony with the Blogger software. Computers, man. WTF!???

Ever wonder what exactly is going on in this country as far as the money situation goes? Doubtful. No one seems to know, or care. They just like to bitch. Well...here are two very exceptional explanations. If you don't find these interesting and/or helpful...well, then you are just a complete assclown, and should stop reading my blog, forever!!!!

George Carlin is dead...but before he left us, he gave us this beauty.
I hope you can see that okay. If not, right click on it, and save it to your desktop, then blow it up as big as you can/want/need to.

Now in this Xtranormal clip...this guy who made this, absolutely SMASHES the nail on the head...I have watched a TON of documentaries on what exactly happened back in 2008, with the banks all requiring a bail out, and the housing market getting turned on its head. And the American taxpayers getting...to put it mildly...totally fucked in the ass.

Here...for a simple breakdown, and explanation...is a smart ass cartoon character:


This has been a hell of a week on the stock market. Last Friday, lose 500 pts. Open Monday, lose 600 pts. Tuesday gain 500 pts. Wednesday, lose 400 pts. Today...up a little. Gold...just keeps climbing. Though its down a bit today. Oil? Good gawd. That's my baby. I took one on the chin Wednesday and Thursday, for a lot...but got smart and dumped all my holdings before Friday and avoided huge losses. Was going to buy it back Monday morning...until at 5am I jumped into the Japan market report and noticed they were getting annihilated in early trading...which usually means our market is also going to get throttled, so I decided to hold off. Good idea. Everyone is all fired up about buying gold. Yeah yeah...I see the stupid ass commercials on TV...scrap gold...buy it, buy it now. I know our buddy Oren is now into that line of work. So I get it.

But everything has a ceiling. There is only SO MUCH gold in existence, unless this place in Russia actually exists, where they claim there is enough gold to match the worlds current supply...then you can watch as gold plummets to about $300 an ounce...where it was about 5 years ago if memory serves me correctly. But to be trading at $1750 an ounce right now? That just seems insane. Sure..insane...until our Federal Reserve goes under, and the dollar is declared worthless, then I will be figuring out ways to kill myself for not jumping on the gold bandwagon when I had the chance.

How did I get off on this tangent? NO clue. And YouTube still hasn't published/uploaded my original masterpiece yet...so I can't even stop writing and publish this.

Back to fantasy football. I discovered a new show the other night. Yeah, well..my nights have pretty much consisted of falling asleep as soon as Squirrel leaves for work, waking up around 11pm...she comes home at 1am...gets on her Facebook for about two hours, takes a bath, plays spades...and turns off the TV about 3am...and is gone. Then I entertain myself til about 7am, when I finally get tired...and sleep til 2 or 3pm. Nice ritual. Well, I discovered a show...its called 'The League' and it airs on FX. Its now two seasons in...with 6 episodes in 2009, and about 22 last year. And it got renewed for this season. It is absolutely hilarious. WATCH THIS SHIT if you are into Fantasy Football..or even if you think Fantasy Football is a joke. It's funny either way.





Ahhhh...it appears as though our POLL...which by the way is getting more and more popular as we go, has closed. This vote was a very, very close one. The person you all would LEAST like to be....and winning by a very SLIM margin, is Casey Anthony. Can't disagree with that one. But coming in second...in a TIE...was Chad Burns and Mike Vick's future pet dog. Understandable...yep. I must now come up with yet another exciting poll question. Give me a day or so...I'll see what I can muster up.

Here it is August 11th, and I do not appear to be in South Florida playing the WPT satellite event, nor am I in Elizabeth, IN playing in THAT WPT satellite event at Hollywood casino. Two reasons: I do not have my car! Allie Prescott still has not secured an apartment in South Florida, which translates to 'cheap accommodations' for Senor Monkey. Next to ponder: Stay home and play (assuming I am permitted) the Gulf Coast Poker Championship...which I fared quite handsomely in last year...or skip on over to Win-Star casino and play 'The River'...a weeklong event now. Then right after that, they have the WSOP circuit event...a first-time deal at the Horseshoe in Bossier City, which I am told is very close to Shreveport. I am also told to expect a gigantic donktard-fest. Oh, and that they are playing...ahem, on the ROOF...in a huge tent. Ummmm.....interesting.

Well, competing with all that is going to be tough. The gem on my dashboard is the next Borgata open. That occurs, I believe...in the middle of September. Hell, I might just hold out til then. Ya never know. Not playing poker at all has been pretty spectacular. I did, however, climb back on Felt Stars the other night...and as most online poker sessions have ever gone in my life...it too went bad. Started great, ended badly, at the hands of a complete jackass. Whoaaaaaa shockerrrrrr!!!!

I went 'App' shopping last night. Wow...did I find some awesome shit. First of all, if you travel a lot...which I do, and find yourself going to places where you know NOTHING about the area...I give you 'TripAdvisor' which I think was free. Maybe .99c, big whoop. Type in a town...ANY town and it gives you everything to do there, where to stay, what to see, where to eat. It's great.


Downloaded this thing called 'The Daily' which is incredible. News, entertainment, sports...it was free but found it is subscription based, like 99 Cents a week. Its worth it. Great pictures, great stories...really nice content.


Downloaded ABC TV 'Player' which basically allows you to play a TON of their shows that first appear on the network, for free. Can't beat 'free.' In my world, I am looking for stuff that while sitting through the boring early stages of a tourney...or cash game (even better) I can watch and stimulate  my mind...because God knows I'm not being stimulated by most of my table mates!


I even downloaded the Bible. Yeah, you heard me. It gives you two different versions you can read, The King James Version and the American Standard Version. It's called 'Olive Tree Bible Reader.'


Like cooking? Jamie Oliver has a pretty cool App where you can learn a whole shit-load of recipes. Granted, he only gives you a small collection of 'freebies' then you pay .99c per recipe...though you can see what it is at least. I think maybe a lot of people might find $.99 a good price to pay to keep their man happy (hi sweetie!!!!)


Downloaded the Fox News App...which is pretty sweet. And about 5 or 6 new games. Yes...I am getting my iPad fully 'loaded' for my Fall Assault on the Poker World. Got my BOSE headphones swapped out three weeks ago for some that don't have a short in them. I am gearing up.

I am ending this now. Mainly because my back hurts. Also because my laptop is about to die. 

Monkey


2 comments:

Paul said...

Monkey- BEST BLOG POST EVER!!!!!!! BRAVO!

The video dialogue is fucking excellent because I think you are in my brain- I feel the same way.
The George Carlin quote is awesome and I had to read it out loud the way he delivered it because I remember it well and it will never age!

The Chad (tropicana orange) Burns stuff is awesome! You dont even have to break this sad clown down, he does it all for you - too easy.

Also,I didn't even finish reading the entire post because I like to kill time at work that way and I am home now. Peace.

Well done!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if chadwitski has paid his taxes on all those boasts of winnings, even showing the cash....if he hasn't he's a total nitwit, even if he got an extension, isn't his time up on Monday? Anybody out there work for the IRS? That would be one way to shut him up...lk new orleans