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Monday, August 1, 2011

Hmmm...tough tough call today....

I am  in full-on panic mode. Faced with the toughest decision in recent memory. What to blog about. I have been brought to tears (in a comical reference) four....count it...FOUR times in the past two days. This, yes boys and girls...is a fucking record I think.

First...thanks for the 9,697 hits last month. It would have easily hit 10,000...were it not for NetworkBlogs crappin out for two days and not 'pulling' my last two blogs to the Facebook and Twitter world like its supposed to do. But whatever. We can aim higher next month. Why do I care how many hits I get? I don't. Then why talk about it? Because...I like to count. I like to compete. And yeah...in this one, I am competing against ME! I can beat him...I can beat that over-rated piece of shit.

I know, I know...I teased you all with the DogTrack upcoming 'holy shit did I really just witness that go down' reference from a previous post. And trust me...I won't let it go without a mention. Because there is plenty of shit to share...most of it I was smart enough to write down. But in the interest of not making this the LONGEST blog in the history of Monkey Blogs....I think I will do something unique and altogether historic. I will write FOUR blogs...save three of them as 'drafts' and release them to you Blog Mongers one day at a time. And I will start with the one that brought the most tears to my eyes.

Bad Beat: On break...discussing how 'Chuck the Pensacola Douchebag' has hit a boat on my flopped straight to suck out on me, literally, for the fourth time in three days on a hand that would have eliminated his stupid ass...with Lynn Morris (nice guy from Pensacola, who eventually would chop that tourney 6-handed)...when, holding my prescription glasses in left hand (with a sharp edge exposed when folded shut) I go to scratch my cheek, and brush the sharp edge against the left nostril of my nose...which causes a large cut. I proceed to bleed profusely from my nose from the time of said conversation until my eventual elimination from the Pensacola DogTrack Donkfest Saturday.


My 4Runner apparently has a fucking demon in it. After taking it in for some general maintenance items...it is determined that the electrical gremlin in my car cannot be pinpointed. Thus requiring my vehicle to 'live' at Bob Tyler Toyota for...oh hell, probably the rest of the summer. Sort of impairs my ability to bend to peer pressure and drive to Tunica for the backside of the Goldstrike poker tourney. Also keeps me at home...doing, ahem....jack shit. So after making a 'hero' call with AK against an early position pusher for 85% of my stack...and going up against the always dominating hand of AJ...and of course, losing...I started furiously texting Squirrel to please come get me...get me the fuck outa this place. Before I collect a pack of these Greyhounds, strap them to a busted-down closet door and have them sled-dog my ass back to Biloxi.


She complied with my wishes. She picked up 'The Claw'...who failed to materialize, along with her hermit of a boyfriend, Gabe Costner...in Pensacola for the $700 Donkfest...and headed East to rescue me. One of her girlfriends was in Orange Beach for the weekend, so we made it a 'night out' followed by drive home. I won't lie...I found the necessary elixir to put my self into a zone to overide what I just spent 10 hours compiling in my brain and body. It put me into the 'zombie zone.' So when Squirrel kept demanding that I 'TALK TO JAMES!!!' when we were sitting in the balcony at Flori-Bama watching random white-trash douchebags and losers I had to finally tell her to 'leave me the hell alone...James is fine...we are friends, he gets it...where I am right now mentally...he doesn't need to be babysat, now please...leave me alone, grrrrrr.'








Claudia and I developed a violent case of 'The Munchies' and decided to take a walk in search of tacos...which were being sold from a trailer in the ....'lot' (??) out front of the bar. This is when eye-watering conversation #1 took place.



Claudia...out of nowhere...asks me how funny I think it would be if you could projectile vomit on cue...and aim it in a specific direction. And then the animated demonstrations began. Hitting a girl from across the room. Hitting a guy in the back of the head after you already shamed him and hit him in the face. As each new case was presented, my laughter got harder...my stomach began to hurt...my eyes watering like I was watching Old Yeller getting shot out in the barn.

We returned to our friends. Finished our drinks...said our goodbyes, and drove back to Biloxi...at, yeah...3am. We got home about 5am. Now...you would THINK...given my propensity to sleep in, that her and I would have slept all day Sunday. You would be ....WRONG! Nope, I let the dogs out at 10:15am, and noticed it WASNT raining...for once. Time to turn the marsh back into a respectable looking lawn. Mowing, edging, weed-eating, blowing...only took 4.5 hours. On the third pass, I nearly ended the life of a cute little frog. But I saved him...picked him up and put him on the patio...where I didn't notice, Squirrel was sweeping out.



She started screaming...and jumped up on the wicker chair. What the....oh yeah, I just realized, she is terrified of frogs!!! I started laughing. She got more nuts...demanded I remove the frog. Now Mollie and Jasper were after it! Okay, okay...I took the frog and put him over the fence.

Finished all our chores...then went to dinner at Outback, where we had a slightly 'challenged' waiter. Medium-rare translated to medium-well. Getting refills on Ice Tea was like getting the debt ceiling raised. After that we went to see 'Captain America' which I wanted to see LAST week. It was good. A little hokey in parts...but overall, very entertaining. And more impressively, a Box Office hit has managed to not include one single curse word. Not sure that was even possible until I saw it with my own two eyes!

My replacement BOSE headphones finally showed up today. It's never taken this long...and it was on my to-do list to call them today to find out 'whats up' when they magically showed up on my doorstep this morning.

Squirrel just got off work early...and called to tell me she has a weird craving for pancakes. Yeah...at 10pm. Okay. Well, I told her she better pick up some blueberries then...so I will write these other three segments later tonight and post them later...as I am hearing the garage door opening and watching the dogs go running to meet her...its breakfast for dinner time!!!!

Upcoming blogs>>>

The three days of hell spent playing poker at a dogtrack...with itemized hands and encounters with...uh...individuals.

The return of Chad Burns...and marathon thread on my Facebook...with newborn priority on 're-education' of the Orange Troll

The discovery of 'The Female Kai Landry...only, quite possibly, funnier.' Her name is Jenny Lawson, wife of a guy named Victor...goes by the blog name of The Bloggess. I was sent the link to her latest entry "Would You Like to Buy a Monkey" featuring a picture of 'Copernicus.'


I then proceeded to check out this gal's whole blog page. Some of the funniest shit I have ever....EVER...read in my life. She is intelligent, witty, funny, sharp as a tack. In fact, I might not even need to write an entry on her...this might have already been enough to get you over there. Just CLICK here to check out her site. I've already added her as one of my 'favorite links' on this site...so.

And then we have a blog dedicated to the origins of the word DOUCHEBAG. And to be honest...there is enough content there to start a whole blog solely committed to ridding the world of douchebags...and yes, I am not going to deny that this was initially motivated and inspired by the re-emergence of Chad Burns...that little runt...who has now taken to trying to sabotage my marriage by sending little messages to Squirrel. More on all that later...I promise.


On the off chance you aren't familiar with what a 'douchebag' of the male variety is...this should help you a little bit. Remind you of anyone you know???



 Lastly...there will be an upcoming blog, of the serious nature...on and about a guy named Jarred Lucius...a guy who lives in Memphis, just got hired as a police officer, and who has a horrible brain condition that requires an operation that costs around $100,000. I am not sure if I have ever met this fella. I don't even know where I heard about his situation...but it is dire. He is young, has a lovely young girlfriend...and seems like he has an awful lot to live for and a lot of loving people in his corner. He also plays poker. I feel compelled to try and do something BIG to help this guy. Something like...maybe organizing a large benefit poker tourney...where? Not sure. When? Not sure. I've never done anything like this before, and not sure what he requires or entails...but the idea of helping to save someone's life really inspires me to make it happen.


If you are on Facebook...maybe friend request the guy...or just check him out. Also...if you are wanting to get on MY Facebook friend list and haven't yet...please do...but PLEASE include a MESSAGE telling me who you are (blog reader) and why I need to ACCEPT you without question.  I currently have 68 in the 'friend request' holding pattern who I am just waiting for to tell me who they are. Also...if you want a glimpse into what a gigantic douchebag Chad Burns is...check out my WALL POST

Dogtrack poker room+ cell phone+ psychotic floor person+ paranoid dealers= most annoying, ridiculous playing experience EVER!
 There are now about 58 comments under it...including about 15 from 'The Orange Menace from Houston' which...if you are unfamiliar with...will certainly demonstrate for you all the reasons why he should be eliminated like a bad strain of ebola.

Catch you guys later. 

Monkey

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