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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Coushatta? Yes or No???

Wait. Is H-E-L-L N-O!!!! an option? Oh wait...that would be reserved expressly for St. Louis. If one more of you texts or emails me asking me if I will be going to STL for that circuit event...I'm going to, wow....I'm going to, ....mmmmm....dammit, see, as soon as someone even mentions the word ST LOUIS all of my abilities to communicate fly out the window. Sense of humor. Gone. Sense of civility, gone. Someone help me...bring me back....arghhghghghg!!!!

Yeah I hope you enjoyed your opening day choke job by your little red birdies, who on paper should never lose a baseball game. All you freaks with your camouflage Cardinal's hats and your pants hanging around your thighs because you can't decide which out-of-style demographic you are wanting to represent...with your bag of caramel corn in hand and step sister in tow...don't sweat it, its a long 162 game season, and being 0-1 isn't the end of the world. Don't go home and abuse your 7 illegitimate kids over one stupid loss. Its baseball man! Don't go all Green Packer fan on your bitch after a playoff loss!

Moving on. Just got done watching American Idol. Can someone please tell me what the hell that was all about with Fantasia Barino? I thought we were all just about done with her!?? She graced us with her wonderful "Collard Greens and Cornbread" lullaby tonight, huh? Collard Greens and Cornbread?...with the all-too familiar 'come on everyone...come on!' and the twitching mouth when she sings...yeah, I barely made it through that one!

Now watching the newest stupid ass show on FOX, 'Mobbed.' With Howie Mandel. Is FOX kidding us? Just as I had finally gotten over the soulless, annoying Howie on that stupid show highlighting greed and stupidity, "Deal or No Deal" (the only reason for watching being the hotties with the mafia briefcases, until they replaced THEM with the contestant's equally greedy and idiotic friends...probably for budgetary reasons) they throw this overblown imitation of "PUNKED" at us? Why? Just when I didn't think I could swallow any more vomit after tonight's episode of American Idol, I get to try and wade through this shit storm. The dancing waiters and the crying-with-joy girl now have me punching myself in the eyes. Its nothing but 'PUNKED' with numbers. I'll call it overkill, and stupid!

So...yeah, American Idol tonight. Look...we have 10 of the best 'suspects' (sorry, I refuse to call them contestants....they are merely suspects to me) we have seen on the show in years...and Steven Tyler and J-Lo have been a great addition to the judges panel. If I had to watch Paula or Kara one more season I was going to destroy my TV...and Simon's act had just grown old and boorish. He will get his chance to annoy us all some more when his new show comes out this fall, 'X-Factor', also airing on FOX...which seems a bit odd, but whatever, FOX is odd.

As for Randy? Yo! Yo! Yoooo! Dawg! So check it out, check it out. He is ridiculous, and annoying...but he's kind of like that mutt dog that always shits in the house in the same exact spot...for years...and finally, the day he wake up the next day, and almost miss that little pile of shit on the floor. Right? So, just like that dog, we just kind of tolerate Randy.

Well anyway...yeah, we have some talent. But some of that talent is just annoying. The stupid, out of control moments of drama are the reasons I hate American Idol. Tonight, my dreams came Naima, Paul and that other chick, the Asian one...were in the bottom three. I have been sick of Naima since the day they found her sweeping up people's garbage at the carnival! Then there is Paul...who I liked at first...but dude, there is only so much whitening bleach in the world, and you can only hold a fake, cheesy-ass smile for so long before everyone just gets sick of it. Am I wrong? I once in awhile. That's cool. But let's see that there is a human being in there, with a gamut of emotions other than...24-hrs a day joyous! Bullshit! If I want to watch someone smiling like it's their job...I'll go hang out with Cam Newton...that phony. Enjoy your upcoming NFL career, JaMarcus Newton.

Paul and his soft, syrupy renditions of Rod Stewart-esque ballads had just gotten OLD! Switch it up...or ship out Paul. The next thing I hope to see is one of his fellow contestants, excuse me...suspects...kick him in the balls and see if he continues to smile.

Well, he was spared the guillotine tonight. But we got one of ' Naima finally got the axe! That other chick, the Asian one....she left too.

So who are my favorites? Hell...there are a few. I think James Durbin has the best stage presence...and knows how to perform, and isn't a bad singer. I think Pia is beautiful, and has a great voice. That kid who sings country is going to be a great singer, and seems like a great kid...he's just so damn young. Not that I'm being a 'hater of all things young' and showing youth-envy...okay maybe just a little bit.

[okay, as I'm writing this...this show has sunk to the lowest level possible...with the guy proposing to his sobbing girlfriend while dancing, horribly, in a street carnival with 100's of idiots. Are these people being paid? And if so how much. And if was their motivation for doing this for free? To be on TV? People are pathetic! If you want to get on TV that bad...go shoot your boss!]

Back to IDOL. Squirrel is crazy about Casey....and was freaking out last week when he got voted off. I told her to chill out...that this was where they would use their 'save'...made the most sense. Gave them a whole week to milk the Final 11...and it wasn't like there was anyone in the Top 10 that would be an easy cut...unless of course the Meth-head managed somehow to survive past 10 people...which, thank god, she didn't...and he was spared. New side bet in play...does Naima stay out of rehab long enough to appear on the American Idol road tour?

Now, Casey...lets talk about Casey. Casey is truly a nice kid. Comes from a nice home, with great parents. And clearly has some musical ability. He might even turn out to be a better actor. Limitless, I would say. But am I the only one who when watching him perform, and talk in interviews...isn't feeling like I'm watching Jonah Hill and Will Ferrell morphed together as one person/performer??? Think about it!!!

Yeah. Okay. Moving on. A lot of you...girls, mainly...know about my Wal-Mart Dance...made famous...about 4 years ago. Pretty sure I was out with Squirrel and her friends, Brandy Conway, Brandy Nagle, Ashley 'Taco' Longoria (now dating Tyler Smith) and a few of her other crazy friends, when I unleashed my madness on them in the middle of the Beau Rivage.

Now, let me explain the Wal-Mart Dance and where it came from. Now, first...have you ever shopped in Wal-Mart? Of course you have. Unless you are reading this from Europe or something. You know the kind of freaks that come in there, right? If not...I invite you to CLICK HERE.

Shit...I just remembered I downloaded "BLACK SWAN" on my Playstation 3 last night...and fear my 24-hour window to watch it may be about to expire!!! They give you 30 days to watch it...but after you watch it you only have 24 hrs to watch it again...and I let like 5 seconds play before I stopped it. What's the verdict?

Back to Wal-Mart. How do you scare the beejezus out of a freak? Simple, you do something even freakier than they are. Impossible? I object!

Picture if you will....a combination of River Dance...and Swan Lake! All performed as one act. You heard me you Michael Flatley poster-hanging-in-your-bedroom fan club members! Monkey Boy here used to date a string of New York City Ballet dancers back in the early 90's when I lived in NYC and was still rather handsome and I had some classical training...well, as an observer. And I am very attentive. And who hasn't sat mesmerized (for whatever reason, bored, stoned, drunk, seeking self-abuse) late at night watching the Lord of the River Dance info-mercial that always used to air around 3 in the morning?

I give you....the Wal-Mart dance! When performed in front of the most ghastly freaks God has ever presented us...the response was, well, almost predictable. Suddenly, God's little Mutants became 'those who shall chastise and look down their noses' at other 'less fortunate' souls. Yes...they are just that gullible and delusional. Poor critters.

It then became necessary to bust this out in a more civilized arena...which became the Beau Rivage. Had I not been surrounded by 8 beautiful women...the dork in the purple jacket would have certainly kicked me out of the casino, maybe even called the police...but after seeing that I was WITH them...and he recognized some of was pretty obvious that I had to be okay...why in the HELL would they be with THAT GUY!???

Creating the Wal-Mart Dance has had it's disadvantages. Like one has led to the over-consumption of alcohol on some occasions. There we are, out on the town...with Squirrel's friends...and inevitably...there it is....

"Will! Do it! Do the Wal-Mart dance!! Come on! Please!!!!!"

Ah man...I'm not really feeling it tonight girls. Kind of having a low bio-rhythm kind of day, ya know? And they just aren't playing the 'right' kind of music to perform 'The Dance.' Doesn't matter. They are NOT letting NO play as an answer. Great. Bartender!!!!! Three more please bartender!!!! Yo!!! Bartender....hey! YOU...get cher ass over, Bartender guy you....heyyyy!

There ya go ladies...enjoy! And they always do!

How in the hell did I get on the subject of the Wal-Mart Dance? No idea...but what I did get, in the mail today...was a flyer from the Beau Rivage...touting the upcoming appearance by Michael Flatley's 'Lord of The Dance' coming soon! Now, does this mean Michael himself is performing? Or if he just lends his name to the production? All I know is that the Beau Rivage is inviting you to 'let the sights and sounds of this international phenomenon transport you to a world of mystery, music and magic through the language of dance!'

Well, that being said...if I happen to be in town during this 'magical happening' I will be appearing, myself...for a show. I will also be consuming copious amounts of booze and performing my own Wal-Mart Dance either IN THE SHOW itself...or outside the show. It will happen...I promise.

[good gawd I hope I am out of town for this damn show.....]

I have switched from the 'always problematic' Internet Explorer to using Firefox by the urging of several of my Facebook comrades, and I am overjoyed. Thanks! No more freezing up. And while blogging...I now have automatic spell check! Yeah! I knowwwwwww!!!! So now instead of looking and sounding like an uneducated idiot...I will only look like an assclown!!!

I went to the gym yesterday. Finally. And did NOT drop dead of a heart-attack. Actually felt awesome. And was going to go back tonight...but Squirrel has once again misplaced her keys...and took my car. Great. So now I have her to blame for my lack of good health. Pretty sure it was a ruse to take my her's is probably out of gas again.

Texting while driving just became illegal in Alabama. Awesome. Stupidest law ever. How is that going to be enforced? Cop pulls you over because he saw you looking down as though you were texting? Did anyone see the movie 'Due Date?' Or 'Hall Pass?' Then you know where I'm going with that. Which would be worse there? The ticket? Or the embarrassment? That scene in 'Hall Pass' led to me laughing non-stop for about 15 minutes. I'm so glad there were only about 6 people in the theater!

Once again I decide to play play online poker this week. Its Double Guarantee week. Got real deep once. Made a final table Tuesday night in a $24 90pp tourney...and got 3rd...for like $225 or something. Had one of those jerkoffs who no matter how bad he got it in, he never lost. Worst player ever. Shoves on the button with J10. I call him with A10...flop an ace. He goes runner runner for a straight. Of course.

Last night, log on...get in late to one of the big guarantee tourneys...and on the first hand I get AA. Guy UTG raises to 180. Three more call. I re-raise to 550. Seems like a pretty good three-bet there, no? I'm in the SB. No problem. Guy UTG re-raises ALL IN! Cool. The others fold. I obviously call, and see....what? What do we MOST want to see there? AK? Right? He has AK. Flop comes J-5-Q...and you get that sick feeling....don't do it...don't do it....river....DOHHINNNNNGGGG 10! Out! First hand.

It's been mostly 4 days of 'Rat on a Wheel' for me playing online poker. My favorite is the jerk/punk/jackass who sits there spouting stats at people...telling them how bad they are, how bad their ROI% is...talking about how much he makes, blah blah blah. And there is nothing you can do. You can't smash your computer...that will just cost money. You can't punch them in the face...that technology just doesn't exist....yet! And you try to ignore the guy...but you just can't. You're hatred just festers...until finally, after another one of his 8x the blind look down at KK and shove all in...only to have him call you with A8...and hit an ace. Then what do you do? You slowly go a little more insane....

Hahahah...I totally forgot the bi-line of this entry was concerning whether or not to go to Coushatta! Wow, talk about a major-league sidebar, eh!!?? Well, I have to admit, someone dangled the carrot of Coushatta in front of my nose last week, and probably due to some momentary loss of sanity, or just a heavy onset of cabin fever, I might have uttered to someone that I would actually show up for that gathering of swamp mutants. Well, just to make sure I hadn't fully lost my mind, I went to their website and checked out their event schedule and structures. After that I pulled up all the comments on my blog from around that time last well as emails from people who attended when I didn't.

That's when, thankfully, I was able to come out of the fog...and let the sun shine its ray of common sense on me. No! Do not go there. Do not sit in those bingo hall chairs, do not play with those tourney chips that haven't seen a chip bath in...well, maybe ever! Anyone in the mood for some Hepatitis C? Here is your chipstack sir! And those can you say no to blackjack house dealers who...after EVERY SINGLE that thing where they separate their hands and wave them over the cards twice? You know the move...right? Every shuffle! Where a misdeal is something for the players to bet on! Over/under on this dealer is 2.5....where's my action!??? The place where, when the floor is called for a decision, everyone holds their breath...knowing their tournament life might be dependent upon a blown floor call?

How do I sit that event out, you ask? Easy. I just keep on laying in this bed...or laying on my couch...playing online, playing XBox360...watching movies, watching the Final Four...playing with my dogs...doing my backer's spreadsheet (I promise...Ms Backer...I am DOING it before I head for South Florida next week!!!) and pleasing my wife with my presence. Yes...I finally caved in and let her chop all my NHL-for-winter-styled hair off. It hurt. Yes...I feel some of my power has been relinquished like Sampson's was...but I was sick of sleeping on the couch.

So no...I will not be making the 4 hour 20 minute drive to Coushatta this weekend. I will instead be at home...seeing how many more $25 squares I can fill on my NCAA Title Game Board...we are currently on the 4th board. I am quite positive we won't match the 12 boards I filled for the Super Bowl...that was just insane!

If you are looking to buy a square...shoot me an email at Also coming this week, and requiring a stupid amount of effort, as I can't get the website guys at to make a template for my annual Master's Pool...that always takes me HOURS to prepare.

Okay...that's probably enough for today. Hope that keeps you addicts at bay for another day or two!!!


(the thoughts and/or opinions stated in The Monkey Blog are his and his alone. They do not reflect the opinions and/or positions of the owner/operators of Gulf Coast Monkey is not an agent or employee of Gulf Coast Poker, but merely a freelance contributor)

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