The King of 2nd Place Strikes Again!!!!!

....and Why I think the Internet is a RACKET (will be up tomorrow)!

Not sure which story line is more compelling! Well, obviously the one about Internet Poker! Since almost everyone can probably identify with it. It has been a very interesting/frustrating week!

Last Thursday I officially ended the longest, driest spell of my poker career at the Beau Rivage. Not counting my sickass run in March....and I don't/cant really count that because it was a sanctioned event and took place upstairs in the convention room, NOT in the poker room...I had failed to Final Table a Beau Rivage nightly/daily tournament since last freaking FALL! Well, that run ended finally as I made the final table. It was a serious grind getting there, as I was short stacked from the time I sat down late. I forgot that making moves against players who call out of position raises with hands like A3, K5, Q7....is never a very good idea! Holy crap!

Here is how I got most of my chips. I started the night being FURIOUS with the dealer...who I guess likes me, as she always asks Squirrel how I am doing when I'm on the road. So I felt kind of bad biting her head off. Granted, I was right...nevertheless, I felt kind of bad. My steam/tilt moment starts like this...its a rebuy tourney...you get ONE rebuy for $40. We are coming up on the end of a blind level...and its going from 100/200 to 200/400...a BIG jump for a small stack. There has just been a big, 3-way all in hand which resulted in 2 players having to rebuy and a pot to be pushed. There is under 1 minute left in the level...with me being next to have the BB. I am anxiously trying to encourage the dealer to get the pot shipped, get the cards shuffled...and get going! Well, she decides to FIRST handle the financial dealings of the rebuys! ARGH!!!!!! I ask her...."please just push the button on the shuffle master!"

Which will constitute the new deal. She wont do it...and BOOM "Players and Dealers, on the next hand..blinds are going up!" (*@#&($$&@#(@ And here we go...here comes 2/4 offsuit for $400. I am now seething. I get lower and lower. Sitting in the 7 seat...I keep leaving my folded hands right over the betting line...making her have to reach way out to get them. Then...they are about to push (where the dealers switch) and here we are INSIDE OF A MINUTE before the blinds go up and we go on break!

This is one of my BIGGEST gripes about tournament poker. Its totally unnecessary and completely inconsiderate to the players when the dealers push when its inside of a minute. It drives me NUTS! If I could change one thing in poker...across the nation...it would be to have every dealer ORDERED NOT to push when its inside of a minute. I mean...COME ON! Is it really THAT BIG OF A DEAL!??? I know its not. My dealer buddies have told me its not. It doesn't upset the rotation if they are an extra minute late getting to their next table (sometimes a cash table) its just them being rude, and lazy and not giving a damn about the players.

Well, she is about to push with the clock showing :55 and I don't freak out...I just mutter "hey why not push with :55 left in the level...why not!?" and I think in her attempt to make up the earlier deal to me, she announces "okay let me deal this final hand for you guys!" Hmmm...okay, I accept her attempt. I ask the poker gods to give me ANYTHING that I can push with and either get doubled up or busted before the break! Well they comply by giving me 55. Guy who has been making some of the stupidest, and weirdest plays all game raises UTG...well that could mean ANYTHING...and I have stopped caring! Or trying to make reads on this table full of idiots. I don't remember the numbers...but I send a Money Gram to the middle of the table...and whoa now...get called by the BB!

Well, now UTG boy certainly HAS to come along for the ride. I flop a set of 5's. They both check. The turn is a spade..putting two on the board. Uh Oh. Kind of rooting for the board to pair now. They both check again. The river is the A of spades. Ah hell! Guy in the BB bets $2000 which is a 1/3rd of the pot. And UTG Donkey Boy says...."I am laying down a flush! I hope you got him!" Well he doesn't, he has AK...duh. Now, if you guys are thinking what I'm thinking...UTG boy is either a total liar (the option I'm going with here) or the Stupidest Poker Player in America...which could very well be the right choice as well. I mean, what does he think is beating him? Oh! A bigger Flush!!!!!>>>>???? Yeah. Who cares!??? $6000 in the pot...and $2000 to call with a flush and you fold? Yeah, SURE! Well Monkey takes the pot...goes on break...where I go find Squirrel to tell her what happened...and receive a reprimand from her about "being nice to the dealers." BEING NICE! I might be the only one in there who tips them big STILL even after they started their 'toke the dealer for extra chips' business. Whatever...nice break that was!

I go back in....and right away...with the blinds 100/200....UTG guy, to my left, who I have already decided I want to bust so bad I cant stand it...raises to 750. The same dumbass who has made one dumbass play after another SMOOTH calls. Well, our little buddy from the previous hand, who allegedly folded a flush...decides to make it 2000. He has pulled this move about six times! The one time he got caught with J8. He got lucky on that one and hit a flush. Well, I look down at 99 in the BB. Well, I am only afraid of the first raiser...but I know how he plays...and he could easily have some shit like A10, maybe even a smaller pair than mine...I'm pretty sure I have him beat. I don't feel like I should worry about the next clown...buy hey...you NEVER know at this table!

So I take some time.....think about it...and decide "You know what? I'm pretty sure I have the best hand here....and I like the pot...I'm ALL IN for $5500!" The first guy Insta-folds. Cool! Now comes the moment of Extreme Stupidity! Dum Dum decides...after thinking long and hard...to CALL! Huh!??? This should be good. Well the pot is too big now for the other guy to fold, so he calls too. Well, his hand wasn't THAT bad...definitely scary....AJ spades...but the first guy? Ya ready? KING SEVEN of SPADES!!!!!!!! When I say the entire table, and players from surrounding tables started to snicker....its an understatement! The flop produces all undercards with two spades.....grrrrr......the turn card is the 9 of spades...giving me a set...but both players a flush. K7 guy goes bananas...and is still going bananas when the 6 hits the river to pair the board...giving me a full house...and a nice 14K pot...and eliminating both players. It took him about a minute to notice that he had lost! It was pretty funny. Well from that point on I pretty much cruised to the final table.

Never putting myself in position to call off more than 20% of my stack on any one play. I pretty much played flopless poker the rest of the way. Got a lot of walks in the Blinds, and got a lot of folds when I raised. We got to the final table and I had around 100K with the average at like 30K. So I was in good shape. Despite my huge chiplead I did the right thing and agreed to a $20 per player allowance to give 10th place their payoff instead of being the bubble boy. A lot of players wont do that when they have a lot of chips. They like the strategic edge it gives them...and I understand that. You can sit there and just keep raping the blinds because no one wants to go out on the bubble. But I also have a pretty firm HUMAN side to me...that says "this guy just sat here for 5 or 6 hours and might leave with NOTHING...and that just sucks ass! I've been that guy...I know how horrible it is...why put that on someone, while at the same time inviting Bad Karma onto myself!??" So yeah I do the deal. The Final Table goes pretty quick.

We get down to 3...and its me, This kid Dan from Atlanta who I met at Ceasers Classic in Atlanta last fall, and who I had eaten with before the tourney started...he had final tabled the night before and did a 5-way chop...so he was running good....and this Old Man...we will call him Old Man River and his Pack of Donkeys! Or O.M.R.P.D for short! He is INCAPABLE of folding. If he sees a flop and he has bottom pair...and you bet into him big...HES CALLING! Dan has QJ and raises him in the SB. OMRPD calls with K4. The flop comes Q-6-4. Dan bets out TWICE the pot! OMRPD CALLS! THe turn!??? A FOUR! Dan loses all his chips. Me and Old Sparky get heads up. He wants to chop. Which would have been I think $1500 each. I'm already guaranteed $1000...but I want to play for $1900. I go card dead immediately. But he keeps limping in without me ever raising (because I didn't have SHIT to raise with!) Finally I think...as he limps and I look down at 5-7spades...that I can probably bust a move one time...take a nice pot and turn the tide a little. He limps...I MOVE ALL IN and he INSTA CALLS...with A4 offsuit. I tell him..."good, I like my hand!" And I do...as I hit the 7 and win a HUGE double up! Now we are dead even. Well, it wouldn't last long.

I pick up 99 on the button and because its him, raise 5 times the blinds. HE CALLS! UGH! The flop comes 10-8-3. He just SHOVES ALL IN! Huh? I think to myself...no one with top pair (no one decent) would just shove right there would they? I'm putting him on like A-8 there. So like a dumbass I call..when I could have just folded and still had a lot of chips. He turns over my longtime nemesis....damn K-10....and I fail to improve. And once again...I finish 2nd place. DAMMIT! I tip out the dealers and the floor...I am one of the only ones who tips out the floor. Basically...its kind of a way to keep them from throwing me out! Ha! Maybe not QUITE that extreme...I also appreciate the job they do for us. Being from the restaurant industry my whole life (not anymore) I've got tipping ingrained in me. Oh I almost forgot the "Crown Royal Red Snapper quote of the night" which was initiated by Jeff the dealer. Not sure how it was inspired but it went like this.

JEFF: Monkey was that guy who in high school was voted "most likely to get thrown out of a public place" I bet.
MONKEY: Hmmm, interesting. I was thrown out of HIGH SCHOOL!

Which, when repeated to Squirrel, got her to asking me "sweety, you didn't graduate from High School?" Of course I did, how would I have gone to college! OH, I got thrown out of High School SEVERAL times....I think about 7!

After I said that...this sweet little old man who had been on my right all night asks me if I know his son, Jason? Jason? I know a lot of Jason's sir....what's his last name? GLADDEN! Oh hell yes, I know Jason...we ALL know Jason. One of the cleverest players/humans I know. Well, his Dad tells me that Jason was into trouble a LOT when he was a kid. Interesting! But "different kind of trouble than most kids" as he stated it.

Exactly how I would have imagined it. Things that would require a higher level of intellect, like breaking into the computer lab and fixing test scores....like, gaining access to personal files and changing them...stuff like that. Stuff I would have NEVER thought of while in high school. Stuff like slipping through a partially opened window and stealing the answer book for Geometry off the teachers desk...then withdrawing from Geometry (while receiving a D at the time) and re-taking it again the following semester! (wink wink) You know...stuff like that!

The following day I went to play the Friday tourney. Started much like the one the day before. Couldn't hit a draw. Couldn't get anyone out with any raise. But then it looked like I was about to become ChipZilla in level 4. IN the SB I completed a 6-way limpfest with J8 (the Roosters favorite hand!). The (as I am thinking in my head...how bout flopping me the nuts dealer) flop comes Q-9-10. NO WAY! Check! Checks all around. DAMMIT! Hate that. Turn is a harmless 4. BB bets out 600. ONe caller. Two callers! Hell, I have 4500 and the pot is like 4000...I know what to do. I don't even move all in! I raise 75% of my stack....to 3000.

That SHOULD be an INDICATION to EVERYONE at the table that I JUST MIGHT HAVE THE NUTS! But no no....doofus in the BB shoves all in...the others fold, I of course call. He turns over Q4. Two Pair. Oh god no...don't do it dealer. She (the dealer of a good portion of my recent Beau Rivage Cooler Beats) does it...putting a 4 on the river. UNREAL. I'm gone. I go home and begin the BRUTAL RUN that will conclude this entry....we will call it the ONLINE INTERNET POKER BEATDOWN AND MENTAL FIRESTORM! but first......this just in!

Allie Prescott ...fresh off his 27th birthday, just called from Vegas with some good news. $2,000 of the money owed to me has just been transferred into his account from our buddy who borrowed from us both! Yes, indeed, as this is the end of the month and bills are coming due..this is VERY exciting news! I also received a phone call from Mr. 12.5% of my Main Event action for $2500 last week stating that he isn't avoiding/ditching me...that he will be coming clean also. So this could end up being a very good week for the Monkey.

Now if I could just get Russ Floyd to pay up...and a couple of the guys who STILL owe me money from LAST football season (uh huh...that!) I would REALLY be in good shape with August's Beau Rivage tourney coming up. OH...I also decided, that I think it will be a good poker decision for me to drive over to Dallas on August 17th....shack up with my boys Smoke and JD...and play the WinStar $3million guarantee. It is only a $2K buy in...but if I get there on Saturday I can play one of the two remaining $400 Mega Sats they have to get in cheap. First place in that sucker is a cool $690,000. That wouldn't SUCK too bad! Ah....yes, ALLIE has just revealed to me that he is becoming a BONAFIDE Las Vegas Handicapper Extraordinaire!! Allie is one of the GAMBLIN-EST guys I know.

He made NINE....that's right NINE....baseball bets on Sunday...his birthday..in a drunken, lets-go-celebrate-my-birthday-in- Allie PRescott style with a couple of his buddies from back home. Of those nine bets...he combined 3 of them into parlays. that's 2 3-team parlays. HE WON THEM ALL! He banked around 6K. Here is the bad news. And the news he wont let go of. Had he made a 9 team parlay...for, I forget the amount, whatever he was going to be willing to put on it.....he would have clocked $171,000!

He may end up killing himself over it. The only thing I can think of that is worse than that is the 3-week depression he went into after Memphis Choked away the NCAA title game to Kansas...a game, that had they won, I would have won my March Madness Pool for $1500. It might have been my fault. He was in San Antonio...sitting at half court ( I have NO idea how he pulls that shit off either! ) when I texted him with Memphis leading by 8 with what? 2 minutes left? I think I may have black-catted them when I text Allie...."do the folks in San Antonio a favor and leave them some alcohol for tomorrow after your boys wrap this shit up." DOH!!!!!!! We all know the rest of the story!

Hey...saw that Tim final tabled at Orleans. Awesome. Tim is a really cool dude. He also has a super hot Mom. I actually wrote a song about her...and pretty sure I sang it at the table one night in some tournament or sit n go. Even hotter than Tim's Mom is Tim's girlfriend...who took a gig as a rounder girl while we were in Vegas. In the Main Event, Hod (one of their photogs) brought the three Rounder girls over to my table for a photo op. I didn't recognize the one blonde girl. She says..."remember me?" I was like......duhhhhh ummmmm...no....WTF! Didn't event realize it was "Hundred Pounds Of Fury!"

Oh whats up with that? Back in New Orleans at the WSOP event...we were all out...me, Tim, our buddy Brian Taylor (another great player, from ATL) in the quarter...drunk...Im sure...when these text messages started coming at Brians phone from a girl. (tims girlfriend, whose REAL name I will withhold) Apparently while in Vegas the previous month, Tim had 'acquired some lipstick' on his shirt collar that she found...and well, didn't take very well. Somehow this was BT's fault, guilt by association kind of deal. And here came the text messages...threatening, basically to kill him! She uttered the quote of the year (as far as I'm concerned) when she stated, "I am a 100 lbs of fury coming to get you!" I went nuts! Now every time I see her that is what I call her. Ive almost forgot her REAL name given her by her parents! I will ask Tim..."so where is 100 lbs of fury!??" "Shes up in the room" "Shes on her way out, gets here tomorrow". I cant wait to see how long those two last. Tim's my boy and everything....but as far as I can tell, course I'm not gay so I'm not very good at this stuff...she has him SERIOUSLY OUTCLASSED in the looks department!!!! Then again...have you seen Squirrel!!??? I'm kind of freerollin too! ANYWAY....congrats to Tim for another nice score in Vegas!

Ohhhhhh the Orleans....Gabe and Claudia. WOW. What a sage they had their last week there. They bought this new car before Vegas. The damn thing is JINXED! They got out there fine...unlike me, when MY ENGINE BLEW UP in Albuquerque! But once they got there...oh boy. First....they had a tire blow out. And they are custom wheels. Gabe bought the thing off of Ebay. He couldn't get the original owner to return a phone call. It took him two weeks to get a new tire put on that thing. Then his fan belts went to shit. Listening to that thing screech every time he pulled into the garage was kind of funny. I personally, could not DRIVE a car if it was making that noise!

Well, the night before the Orleans was to start...Gabe had a session, a cash game session at the Bellagio that didn't go especially well. In fact...it was one of those where you decide you are going to stay until you get it all back. I think we ALL know how THOSE usually end. So he ended up missing the Orleans tourney altogether. Well, upon leaving the Bellagio, the Valet guys crashed his car...basically ripping off the back end! This was on Saturday. He then gets five days of the biggest run around in history. My ass would have gone STRIAGHT into the CASINO MANAGERS office...parked my ass there until he saw me...and demanded instant satisfaction. What ended up happening was Gabe and Claudia ended up flying home, their car is still there waiting on a part from Japan that takes 3 weeks to get...then the Bellagio is shipping them their car on a train. WOW! What a nightmare. Luckily they have another car here. Claudia came by yesterday and brought me one of her surprises that we got three times while living in the house in Vegas. CLAUDIA PIE! Which (stop it you sickos!) is a Strawberry cream pie..and is amazing.

She also made brownies for Rooster. Then she, Squirrel and some other girls went to see Mamma Mia...a TRUE chick flick. Claudia is really a cool chick...I'm really, really glad we got to know each other this summer. She might swear a little too much, and be a little rough around the edges...but she has a great heart...and she is funny as hell. I really like her a lot. And Gabe. I'm glad they came into my life this summer. They are both joining us next Sunday night...when me, and about 14 people will celebrate Squirrels 30-somethin'ish birthday (you're welcome sweety!) by going to dinner at Bonefish Grill then the Def Leppard/Joan Jett concert at the coliseum. Should be a really fun night out.

Monkey's take on Internet poker to come...