A 'SNAP MONKEY' FINAL TABLE 'SEE YA' TO TUNICA......

I had decided on another tag line for this entry, but I forgot what it was. This could be an incredibly long entry. I guess it all depends on how long this period of time where my head isn't pounding lasts.

Just when I was ready to call in Air Support for a complete carpet bomb strike on Tunica I did the improbable, well I don't know about improbable...considering I almost made the Final Table in 6 of the events I played up here in the last 10 days...and put together a run that FINALLY culminated in a Final Table for the Monkey last night in the $340 Horseshoe NL event that started with 94 players (their largest turnout so far in this disappointingly attended event) at 11am and ended for me around midnight.

This has been a very strange ten days. Every time I wanted to sit down and make an entry...I re-thought it because I knew I was going to just sit down at my laptop and start firing at anything and everything that had a pulse. I was afraid I was going to come off sounding WAY to negative. I'm just warning all of you....if you think you can read this whole entry in one sitting...I would get up NOW...walk to the kitchen, get a bag of doritos, a soda, maybe a popsicle or two (orange flavored if your like me) and mentally prepare yourself for a long session of walking in my shoes. Your feet are going to hurt after this.

Oh by the way....I just remembered what my original tag line was going to be for this entry.

Are there REALLY such things as FRIENDS when you are at the poker table?
More on what inspired that later.....

As for now, I am laying in a bed in a hotel i don't know the name of. In Southhaven. After finishing 5th last night...I found a $65 Sit N Go to sit down and laugh at until I managed to donate all my chips to some old lady...who would later come find me in the cash room and proudly display the 5 white chips she just won. Well done ma'am...your the greatest. Waltzing into the cash room I saw the ONLY guy at the Final Table who would drink...ahem....I have a new shot....I have named it the SNAP MONKEY! It is a Red Snapper with just a touch of Chambord added. It is really quite delicious!

Our Final Table consisted of a bunch of Old Guys, one recovering drunk and two guys with the personalities of a housefly. One guy..who says his name is Slim...and goes about 430....approached me on a break when we were at two tables and asks me "you busy? can I ask you a question?" Well sure, what is it little man?
"What is the deal with the antics, man? I'm not saying I don't like it...I just...I don't know, its just not how I act...so I guess I don't get it." Somewhere in all that I didn't detect a question. So I wasn't really sure how to respond or how to take it. I might have offered him a hot dog.

Oh anyway...I go sit down at the $4/$8 limit game..with every intention of dusting off a $100 or so and just have some fun. Well, what ended up happening was...well, quite miraculous. At 6am, after I could no longer keep my eyes open, and frankly, had no where else to put my chips...I got 6 chip racks...that's right...SIX...and started packing up. $745. Playing 4/8 on a $100 buy in. It was quite a run. I renamed every player at the table.

People I felt sorry for sucking out on, I was giving them half their money back. There was Tina Turner, Whitney Houston, Jenny Finch, The Science Guy, Christopher Darden....quite a celebrity-laden table. Darden was the ONE guy whose chips I never could manage to absorb. As soon as I got up...two guys were fighting over who got my seat. I told them as I was leaving...."Boys, it aint the plane man, its the pilot!"

I somehow managed to weasel myself a 2pm checkout time. I had this weird (weird? or OBVIOUS?) feeling that I would never wake up in time to make the $550 tourney today at 11am. Had I been sober enough and not so tired, I would have just driven home and surprised Squirrel...but that wasn't happening. I like to sleep naked. I have had housekeeping literally WALK IN...no knocking....on me TWICE already. I sometimes wonder if that is just a ploy. Hmmmm. Wow, Alabama is kicking Arkansas' ass.

This trip home is going to suck. I was a little more excited about playing today's $550 until I found out something very disturbing last night. I was under the impression that this last two weeks' events were ROUNDER point events. And as I kept bubbling and missing final tables I was getting more and more irritated. Then I hear how Cub paid everyone off down at the Beau Rivage when they did a 11-way chop at that last event before the Hurricane to let him sign for 1st place and take a huge chunk of points. That sucked.

I cant say I wouldn't have done the same thing! I already talked to him about it and told him I wanted to strangle him when I heard that! Well, then I found out that none of these events were on their Point Eligible lineup! SHIT! So I figured with what I won yesterday (not that much...but finally SOMETHING) in the tourney and then in the cash game...that I would just take something home with me. Besides, I was getting more and more irritated the longer I was there.

Here come some Props. Jimmy Summerfeld, who I have had run ins with in the past...and I know keeps one eye on the tourney and one eye on "The Monkey" and my potential for disaster...ran a very good two weeks of tourneys. The structure was outstanding. They set up a very nice "players" buffet area that was open for two hours during the tourney dinner break. A nice touch. They were very nice about distributing comps.

And while its not certain to me how much of a rarity or commonality it is, he even helped me to get a large portion of my hotel stay comped. That was very cool, because for a week and a half I was getting slaughtered up here...so at that point...ANYTHING to defray the costs was GREAT! Bill Bruce, a young guy who always is dressed very nice...did a great job running the evening tourneys. He has a great voice on the mic and is a good presence. He was called on to make a lot of floor calls, and I can honestly say I don't think he screwed ONE of them up.

{my favorite floor call came during this last event. It was great theater. An old skinny guy, who could very EASILY be seen on CNN one day going in and killing all his co-workers...had done the unimaginable, TWICE! Rewind back to the event three days ago, when I went out 14th....he was in the 1 seat, I was in the 8 seat. There was a call of 600, another call...I called with KJ suited...and on the button, he makes his patented squeeze all in move. Everyone else folded...and I called bullshit and made a loose call. He had KQ. OOOpppss! well the board double paired and I lucked out a chop. He went NUTS!

Pounding his fist and mumbling for about half an hour until he got busted. When he was leaving he was glaring at me. Well so he is now at my table in this last event. We are down to 2 tables. He is back to his old Shenanigans. Between Slim on the button and Pyscho boy in the SB...they were SHIPPIN it EVERY single time it folded around to them. I was getting fed up. Finally he moves on me again...and I just look at him...and I KNOW he is stealing. I have total SHIT...K-5 offsuit. And I start talking to him and HE IMMEDIATELY demands that the clock be called on me. WTF?

So Bill is summoned to the table, is told that its only been a minute or so, and tells the guy..."sir,3 minutes is a reasonable amount of time to elapse before a floor assesses a time clock on a player...so I am going to wait a minute and then give him a minute to act" Good ruling I thought. Well, he starts fuming. And I tell him "I know why you called floor, because your hand SUCKS! and you are trying to pressure me into folding!" Well, I tell the table..."Table, please...if I call here do not let this be an indicator of how bad I play...because my hand SUCKS...and if I call, its only so I can bust this joker!" SO I call. he turns over A6 off. Hmmm...whatever. Give me a K or 5 please. NOPE. I lose, I double up the clown. And now I go from 54k to 37K. Dammit. That was stupid.

TWO HANDS LATER! Jackass raises....11K....UTG and leaves 17K behind. I look down at 88. Hmmmm. I start thinking. Looking and asking for a count on the rest of his stack. And BOOM, once again...he calls floor for the clock. Now the Dealer defends me...telling Bill he LOOKED at the clock, KNOWING the guy was going to call clock again...and it had been 45 seconds! SO Bill point blank TOLD THE GUY he wasn't going to put me on the clock until 2 minutes had elapsed. That was when I said..."you know what...don't bother.....IM ALL IN!"

It folded around to him and he calls...turning over AK. Yikes. Please do not lose this one! Or I am looking at probably another damn bubble up here. NOTHING ON THE FLOP! NOTHING ON THE TURN....and I call for the 3 of hearts on the river. THREE OF HEARTS ON THE RIVER!!!!!!! SICCCCKKKK!!!! And I did a rare celebratory dance/howl/fist pump combo! He leaps out of his seat and gets in Bruce's face, threatening every kind of retaliatory effort he can come up with. Bill Bruce handled it PERFECT. A great moment! Especially since an A or K didn't hit!!!!! }

Which is rare. In general, the staff was great. I had a on-going war with one guy...SHUNN...who I promised I was going to write about here! I kept calling him names like "The Warden" "the Gestapo" "The Text Nazi" and "Captain BuzzKill." But then last night we found some middle ground! He was a dealer who they gave a shot at working the floor. And the way I saw it, he was just trying really hard to do everything right. Enforcing (in an overboard fashion) the NO PHONE/NO TEXTING rule, keeping everyone and ANYONE away from the table...just, you know, all those chippy rules that usually come with a little discretionary value.

I might have been a little hard on him. He was a nice guy though, and I think that the next time we encounter each other we will both be a little more pleasant towards each other! At least...that BETTER be how it goes....ya hear me Shunn!??? Dale Camby is awesome. Not exactly sure what his position up there is...Poker Room supervisor? Tournament Supervisor? Not sure. He is an older guy, and is just cool as hell. When I had a problem with dealers...which unfortunately we had several times during the week...he was very open to hearing about it. When I needed help getting a room, he was there to help. Always had comps when I needed a comp. Liked to sit and talk about poker...just a really cool guy.

Had a couple major issues with dealers. The worst...happened last night, at the FINAL TABLE. That should NEVER happen! I don't mind calling this guy out, mainly because, according to other players and dealers...he was displaying the same attitude/behavior towards them, too. We are down to 6...and its all guys. Me and a couple other guys are making random comments about people walking by, ladies mostly.

There had been NO warnings, no indication of any kind that language had been abused at any time yet. Suddenly, some lady walks by...she was pretty attractive. This old guy in the 10 seat says..."Monkey did you see that lady!?" And I remark...yeah, of course, you think my eyes are broken!?? Then Shunn was standing in front of the 5 seat and waved for him to move back...he did...and I say..."yeah and her ass is as nice as her face!" {Squirrel, if you're reading this...I apologize, its just things that we dirtbag guys do when we are away from our ladies....it means nothing!}

Well, this prompted the dealer...DAVID...tall, dark hair, circuit dealer....to remark "That's about enough of the language buddy." yeah he called me BUDDY! He knows me, and knows me quite well! Of course I defended myself. Language? Ass? Are you kidding me man? What is your deal? Why don't you worry about dealing and let the floor worry if they think there is an abuse of language. He implied that I was abusing someone with it. I was like..."Dude, we are complimenting that lady on her ass!!!!" Then he goes on to tell me that I need to learn some manners! I was ready to kill this guy, but I wasn't going to do anything to get me put in a penalty at the Final Table. Manners?

First, let me say...the lady was 30 yards away, and had NO IDEA we were talking about her. So who exactly was offended I'm not sure...except maybe HIM! At any rate...it turns out that later, Shunn said something about his behavior to one of the Tournament Supervisors, who then said something to him. He pushed from our table and a few minutes later we went on break. I was walking away from the table and did a quick 180 turn to go to the bathroom and BOOM he was right behind me...and as soon as I was there he doesn't move, instead bowing up...almost like he was challenging me to a fight or something. It was really retarded. I just gave him a smirk and continued to the bathroom.

I go into the bathroom and as I am telling everyone what just happened at the table, I had TWO other players tell me he heard him tell another player a table earlier that "someone needs to snap your neck!" WTF? This from a dealer!??? I think there is something else going on in this dudes life that has just turned him WRONG. I come back from the bathroom and he is sitting at an empty table...and just GLARING at me. Dude was freaking me out.

My Final Table experience sucked. I arrived with the 2nd smallest stack. I sat around and didn't do anything while 2 got whacked. Then I pick up 99...the best hand I would get at the final table. I call a raise...and with 4 players in the pot...flop 2-4-6. I move all in and they fold. From that point on I would go completely card dead. And basically be blinded out in 5th place. It wasn't until halfway through that I realized I had forgotten to put on my Final Table Monkey Beads and to bring out my fancy Swarovski Crystal Final Table Monkey...so by the time I did, it was too late.

I hated that whole final table experience...and mainly it was because of that asshole dealer. My day started very irritatingly. I got there late, as I almost ALWAYS do. They had 8 full tables and sent me to a table where I was the only there. I would remain the only one there...for an entire blind level. I was getting extremely pissed. They were playing 10 handed. I thought they could have very easily pulled the 10 seat from all 8 tables and make a full table and everyone else 9 handed. But for some reason they wouldn't. Then there was an open seat...not being played. I felt they could have sat me THERE, put THOSE chips on my empty table...with that persons seat card...and when he finally DID arrive, they could have re-seated him. But they wouldn't do THAT either...so when I finally got moved into a vacated seat...the freaking blinds were 100/200.

Jo would arrive with me sitting on the same 8k I started with...really needing a double up. I announced to everyone "Here comes Jo...my lucky dealer...about to give me my courtesy double up!" First hand....AK UTG. Raise....everyone folds. Nice. In the BB next hand....Mr Aggressive raises in middle position. Two callers. I look at AQd. I decide NOT to re-raise. Flop comes 5c-Qh-7c. I have decided to bet 2500 into a 2400 pot. Dude does his famous squint look....and I tell him...I'm not folding! He finally moves all in. Other two guys fold. I say to him..."Ya think you're gonna hit your flush draw? I call...and hope you don't" To which he says..."I'm on a draw" Yeah no kidding...I just told you that!

He turns over A5c.....oh please Jo...don't do it. She didn't. He bricks out...and I have my double up. Later I would have KK hold up against a guy shoving a large stack with JJ. I would have AA twice and have it hold up both times. I never had to get lucky or suck out all day. Which is weird. I did have to lay down a couple hands I regretted. Wow...its 1:45pm. I have to get up, take a shower...and get the hell out of here....I will go ahead and send this to Bill...and promise when I get home later tonight to write more.

Its been a very eventful trip and there is a lot to write about. While I was up here we lost our longtime companion...Tuesday. She was 9 years old, a goofy looking dog, part Doberman, part...not sure, think maybe Deer....who was just the sweetest dog you could ever want. She spent her life beset by malady's...the most recent, Diabetes, which in a way was good because it got me over my lifelong fear of needles, having to give her two shots a day...but of course it was terrible and eventually fatal for her.

She was Cheryl's best friend, and I felt horrible being up here while Cheryl was having to wrestle with the reality that Tuesday just couldn't take any more suffering, and when she took her in on Tuesday, September 16th, it would be the same day to the year when in 2001 I had put down Tuesdays first buddy, my ORIGINAL Jasper...who had cancer. The new Jasper is very co-dependent, never left Tuesday's side, and since she passed away he has spent every second following Cheryl around, sleeping in bed with her...never leaving the bed.

He is famous for predictably spending no more than 5 minutes in the bed before retreating to the cold floor. So to lay up there for 12 hours is amazing, and sad. I need to get home and find him a new buddy. And comfort Squirrel, as she is really feeling distraught at the loss of her best friend. I hate losing dogs...they are so sweet, and so loyal. I really think I like dogs more than people. I think when I die I might ask God to let me come back as a dog...