Everything But the Drill Sergeant!

I am officially feeling very PROUD to be an American right now.
Oh my God...what a week. I was supposed to fly out on Sunday morning.
At precisely 3:18 am Sunday morning, while packing I discovered that my Passport had expired on May 18, 2008. No freaking way!

After making several calls and sending several emails, it became clear I was NOT going to be able to make my flight. I would have to go to the nearest government passport office, which happened to be in New Orleans...and get a renewal in time to fly out late and make it down to the Dominican Republic in time (or late) to play the Battle for the Season Pass tourney.

So I wake up extra early on Monday....and go to call the 'Automated Appointment Center' for the Passport agency. You cannot go to their office withOUT an appointment. Well, their system was EFFED up. I would make it to step 6 of a 7 step process and get disconnected. 11 times this happened. I was ready to destroy something in my house. From 8am til 9:30 I tried to make an appt. To no avail. I finally got a real-life human on the phone... and was told there was 'nothing we can do...we know the call center is down right now...but recommend you keep trying." You have GOT to be kidding me?!!!!

So I get in my car and race to New Orleans...without an appt! Somewhere around Slidell I finally get through and secure an appt. For noon. Which gives me 28 MINUTES to get to their office. I hit that traffic on that damn bridge....sit there, sit there....COME ON!!!!! Finally make it to the office by 12:10. They take me. Oooops no passport photo. Go downstairs.....to this place...and get photos ($20). Okay...done. Okay...come back at 2:30 to pick up your passport, sir.

So I go over to Harrah's across the street to check out the WSOP tourney. The first tourney is under way...a $220 buy in that has attracted 180 players. See a lot of the same people I always see at the local tourneys. They have a $65 SNG about to start, so why not? I jump into it. Then I see the old familiar thing I HATE about WSOP circuit SNGs...the starting chip count of 800 chips! I call an early raise...bet into on the flop...have to fold when the guy goes all in and am immediately shortstacked. Lovely. Get knocked out on the next hand I play. That was fun. Then go on to play a $125 SNG....1000 starting chips in that one. Still lousy. Start the game hot. Become chipleader fast.

Then crack AK with AQ to chip up some more. Down to 4... call a raise with 9-10c....get three way action and flop 7-9-10...first guy bets 1000. Next guy (original raiser) goes all in for 1800. I go all in. First guy folds. I tell the guy I think he has like JJ/QQ. He turns over QQ. I show my hand...but before he cant feel the pain, he turns a 7 to counterfeit my two pair.

Great! It holds. All four of us swap chips for the next two levels, and finally decide to do a 4-way chop. I take $300. Whatever. I don't care....its 2:45 and I have got to go get my passport. Which I do. Sweet. I'm legal now!

Then I spend two hours on the phone with airlines trying to find a way to get to Punta Cana in time for this tourney. FINALLY get a flight. Start driving home. Fire up a $12/180 sng on Pokerstars. I got to Long Beach and was heads up with this guy for the win. Had him 3 to 1...for the longest time but never could put him away.

He sucks out twice in a row...and beats me. But still, won $396 for 2nd. Coupled with a $100 net profit on the SNGS...and it was a $500 day. Made up for the $155 passport ordeal and the $225 airline change fee.

Had nothing to do on Tuesday so played a bunch online. Then took Squirrel to Outback for steaks and went and saw the movie 4 Christmasses. It was pretty hilarious. Spent the night getting all of my pools all organized and squared away, as well as my fantasy leagues. Got my College Bowl Pool all set up and the announcement/invite sent out to everyone. Then paid my bills for the month. Celebrated making the FINAL payment on Squirrel's engagement ring...and thus, avoiding a ridiculous amount of interest that had piled up over 12 months. SWEET!

Then we rented HANCOCK and watched it in bed. It was a good movie. By midnight I already had 65 players signed up for the college Bowl Pool...wow, this is going to be a huge year! Saturday my NCAA SURVIVOR POOL ended...with me NOT winning it. With 5 of us left....4, including me...took MIZZOU to beat Kansas, while the other guy took Va Tech over Virginia. Well...thanks MIZZOU....as dude with Va Tech wins the pools and we all go home empty handed! Decided NOT to try and sleep.....just left for the airport at 4:30 am.

Get to airport on time. Have to show the lady the credit card that I used to make the ticket change. Lady drops my card...it falls into some crack behind her computer...and VANISHES! Can't find it anywhere. Come on! You serious? So...I board my plane with no credit card. Perfect. I get a pretty cool bunch of people in my row and the row in front of me. There is maybe 4 inches of leg room.

Oh my God! I offer the girl in front of me $20 if she will NOT recline her seat after we take off. She agrees not to, but doesn't take $20. Instead I pay for her drinks during the flight. Took a muscle relaxer...had a couple drinks...and had a pretty enjoyable flight. Got to the airport at 3pm their time. The tourney had started at 2:30.

There was supposed to be a guy there to pick me up. No guy. Look all over. Nothing. Its hot as shit...about 94...and I am wearing a winter-type outfit. Dying. FINALLY see a guy with a WORLD POKER TOUR sign. That's gotta be my guy. It is.

There is another guy who is in the same mess I am...not passport, just MISSED his flight Sunday. Whoops. It takes us 20 minutes to get the hell out of there. Then....the 10 minute drive that I was quoted from the airport to the hotel...turns out to be more like 45 minutes. MERCY!

After I discovered my passport expiration on Sunday morning...I sent an email to the girl who runs this WPT BootCamp and told her what had happened. I asked if I was unable to get down to the event if me, or rather...my backer would get any of our money back. I was told NO. Nothing. Out of luck.

No freaking way! I went a little nuts. I think she thought I was trying to weasel out at the last minute. When I told her I would scan my passport and email it to her, she softened a little bit. I think she REALLY thought I was simply trying to back out at the last minute. That really pissed me off. I kept her in the loop all through my Monday New Orleans Odyssey.

Back when we decided to sign up for this deal, we were going by the flyer/invite that I was emailed by their guy Ron, who runs the thing. It was my understanding that we paid $4000 for an ALL INCLUSIVE package that included a ride from the airport, ALL MEALS and ALL DRINKS, tournament entry and a bag full of goodies (hat/tshirt/etc) and my ID badge.

We arrive at the hotel. Finally. On the way to the hotel it was like driving through Beirut or a bombed out neighborhood in Baghdad. It was scary. The drivers were a nightmare. On the narrow road we came in on...we nearly got head-on'd twice!

Very nerve-wracking. And our driver spoke NO ENGLISH...so that made it even worse! I kept thinking about Lisa 'Left-Eye' Lopez...who was killed down here a while back in a car accident!

Getting checked in was a nightmare. Two guys who barely speak English...every task was a 15 minute ordeal. Really thought I was about to NOT get a room. Meanwhile the tourney is into hour number two. I finally get my room...and get an escort to the room...which I would have NEVER found on my own. They give me a GREEN bracelet which is supposed to be my pass to everything in the resort. I will find out later it is NOT!

I get to the casino...which is about 500 yards from my hotel room...which OH! By the way, did I mention my room? I walk in and the first thing I am presented with is the overwhelming smell of MOLD! Then I notice the TV. HA! A 15-inch job that sits on table about 40 feet from the bed! Great, nothing like watching TV with binocluars! The phone in the room is missing all of its buttons. Nice. The lights don't work.

Find out later the TV doesn't work because the cable going into the back of it is all screwed up. A guy comes by later that night and 'jerry rigs' the thing. I end up moving the TV to a place closer to my bed and have to re-do his bad wiring job. Internet....cant get the special $100 for week 'card' that I am told I can get. So instead I log onto my Verizon Wireless account....and I guess am roaming. I cant wait to see how much I spent for THAT! At any rate...I dropped all my shit, dug out the 'raising monkey' from my luggage...made a quick wardrobe change and scooted over to the casino.

I get a seat after about 10 minutes. Find out Matt Savage is the tournament director...which is good news, actually. He usually runs the tourney down in Aruba...and does a great job. Always has a great structure. I don't have my badge...because I somehow missed their WPT Welcome Center. Great. But they get me going anyway. As of this writing I STILL haven't gotten any of that stuff. I am writing this at 3 am. Just woke up after passing out at 8pm...right after we broke for the night.

I sit down and FIRST HAND...with the blinds at 50/100 for another 3 minutes....look at AJh. I raise in late position, to 325. Guy in the BB...Jersey Jim something or other...who I will spend the day jousting with...busting on...and who finally, at the conclusion of the day comes over and asks me my name, and proceeds to tell me he enjoyed my table banter and thought it added a lot to the experience. I thanked him for not HATING me. Any way...he re-raises me to 1000! Right OUT OF THE GATE! What in the hell? I have no idea what to make of this....so of course I do what we should all do with AJ suited there, and I fold.

At the table behind me is Gavin Smith, sober and looking very tired and admitting to me later he feels sick The table next to me I see Clownie Gowen, and we immediately begin fucking with each other back and forth. Then behind me at another table I see my old buddy Chip Jett (from Stevie Vegas' house party this summer, and he of Karina Jetts husband...who I sat with in that Mega at the WSOP this summer) who has asked me why I am not drinking.

Hmm...this is where the GREEN BRACELET nightmare begins. Meanwhile, back in tourney play...I am getting outflopped on every hand I enter into. Until finally...with A8 offsuit in the SB....four limpers (one with AQ) come into the pot for 200 each. I complete for 100. The flop is A-2-8. Nice. I check. Lady bets 500. I smooth call. Kind of risky. But I lost some chips early and need to gamble on her not hitting her kicker and trying to get a bunch back. The turn is a 10. She bets 500 again. This time I raise it to 1500. She insta-calls. Hmmmm...river is like a 7. I bet 1700 feeling confident that she has something like AJ. She calls. Nice pot.

A little while later...I lock horns with Jules Leyser...the wife of Krispin Leyser...the guy who had that big tiff with Jamie Gold when Gold won the WSOP a couple years ago. I've played with her for a few years now...she's tough. She is also very good looking and has this british accent that I love listening to, so I always love having her at my table.

Well at 100/200 25 ante...she raises to 600 in early position. I look down at my WSOP 'death hand' QQ. I have 20K. I am not going to FUCK MYSELF with QQ. So I flat call. Well, crazy Swedish guy...who has already made three 'what the fuck did I just see there?' plays earlier...calls our raise. The flop comes K-K-8. First guy checks. Jules bets out 1100. Hmmmm...that feels like a continuation, probe bet to me. I cant put her on a king. Still...it worries me. I tell her...."I think I have you...but I am just going to call."

The next card is the 7 of diamonds. Now three of them on the board. Hmmm. She now bets 3000. Wow...here we go again. I just CANNOT put her on a King. And tell her that. I talk it out...think it out. I can still smooth call here. I tell her I wont bet the river...no matter what the card...(a) because I think I am good but (b) because I really don't want to lose any more chips if I am wrong! And HOPE she doesn't bet any more. I tell her I am 93% sure I have her beat...and call again. The river was a blank. A two I think. I tell her...."you don't have to bet here Jules. If you check, I wont bet!" And I wont.

One nice thing....unlike Venetian two weeks ago...where they were RIDICULOUS about the talking in the hand thing...these guys are letting us pretty much do whatever the hell we want...which is how I LIKE TO PLAY POKER!!!! This talking helped me get through this hand. She checks. I check I show QQ. She mucks I ask her if she had JJ? She nods, yes. Okay...cool. Nice pot, good read. Everything in Monkey Land is working correctly.

By the way. The dealers are a nightmare! Absolutely horrible! I was told they were just trained to deal poker 3 weeks ago. I totally believe it. I always expect when I am in the Caribbean to run into horrendous dealers. Another reason to LOVE AMERICA. Misdeals, rewarding pots to the wrong player. Not having a clue how to split up pots with multiple all ins.

Taking forever and a day in between hands to wash/shuffle and deal. And none of them speak English. OMG. SHOOT ME. I swear to God...if I somehow fade this Donk-filled field and make the Final Table...there BETTER be a competent dealer working that thing!!!!

Now I have some chips to work with. I decide to start drinking with Chip. I order a Jack and Coke. Now I find out just how powerless this stupid green bracelet is. "$4 sir" WHAT? I thought drinks were all included!??? Only on well drinks. Unless you have a PLATINUM BRACELET! Huh? A what? Why don't I have one of those? We paid full price.

Find Ron....talk to Matt....I started out sort of joking about it. They tell me it was another $400 to get the Platinum bracelet, which apparently entitles you to the ACTUAL all-inclusive experience, including admittance to the ONLY cool place to hang out here...the Platinum Club. I ask, in light of the BS I have been through the last four days...if I can get a damn Platinum bracelet. Ron tells me it will cost HIM $400 to give me a bracelet. Bullshit. Who's kidding who here? I spend the rest of the day paying $4 a drink.

And Matt Savage spends the rest of the day clowning me with Gavin, Clownie (notice I am calling her Clownie and not Clonie? yeah...that's on purpose) and Chip because they have a bracelet and I don't. On one front...it was funny. But on another I was getting pretty pissed off. Because no where in their flyer or any corresponding emails did it EVER mention any kind of upgrade to PLATINUM to get what ANYONE normal would want who was taking a trip like this.

Hell, I was probably even willing to PAY for the upgrade. But when we got to the end of the day...Ron was NOWHERE to be found...which meant I wasn't getting my bag of goodies and/or my ID BADGE. Me and a bunch of other green-bracelet bandits decide to all go eat together. We have to make a reservation. No walk ins. We call FIVE different restaurants...and are told that EVERY ONE OF THEM was full. RealllllY?

And that was AFTER telling them we were here with the WPT Boot Camp. So now our only option is the buffet. FUCKKKKKK that! I don't do buffet. Especially in a third-world rathole like this place! So I grab a bag of trail mix...and go to my room. Which takes me about an hour because I get LOST! It is literally a maze of bungalows here. If you have a compass, and a GPS..you stand a pretty good chance of finding your room. If not...well, good luck!

Towards the end of the day, in which we played a total of 5 levels, Hoyt Corkins was moved to our table. He was NOT wearing his cowboy hat...so I didn't recognize him at first. He somehow gets a clown to double him up. He had 66. Flop comes 996. This other idiot had 22...and tries to muscle the Alabama Cowboy out of the hand. Hoyt shoves on the turn...about 6600 into a 2200 pot! And this joker pays him off...WITH DEUCES! WTF???

That same idiot would go out on this douzy of a play. Old lady moved to our table with only about 7500 chips. FIRST hand she raises. I predict our table is about to get VERY exciting. Prediction correct! Old lady is raising with AK. The donkey is calling with A8. Hoyt calls out of the BB. The flop comes K high. She bets 2000. The donkey asks how many chips she has left. 4400. That might be a sign that she is NOT folding. Doesn't stop him. He ships it. Hoyt folds. She insta calls. He is drawing pretty much dead. He leaves.

Meanwhile, me and Jersey Jim are at each other all day. I am raising with AQ, AJ, KQ, 66....and having NO luck against him. I raise late in the day with JJ. He reraises light. I call. Flop a damn K. I check. He bets 3000. Shit. Fold. One TIME I beat him. This lady ships it for 2300 with the blinds 100/200. I look at KQh and think...hmmm...lot of people to act behind me...scary, but I think she has AJ/A9 suited....something like that. I think, with 25,000 chips I might be willing to give action on this hand.

But instead of isolating with a re-raise I decide just to call...that way if someone wakes up with a REAL hand I can still escape the KQ sucker hand. Well, Jersey Jim decides to get in there. Lovely. Flop is all rags. I check. Jersey Jim checks. THANKS BUDDY. Turn is a K! Nice. He tells me 'careful' which in poker circles means one of two things.....either (a) the guy really is telling you to be careful, because maybe he likes me or (b) he really wants to get one more free card for cheap and thus is giving you false warning. "No Jim...I'm NOT going to be careful...I'm betting 3600!"

Which I do. He folds. She has a look of disgust on her face. I tell her "okay now we are heads up I can talk about what I think you have....I feel like you have AJ/A10/A9"...and she nods and turns over AJ. She doesn't improve and I take down a nice little pot. And get my first "it feels like we have Danny Negreanu at our table" accusation.

The Day One Shenanigans come to a halt. I have survived the first day. I bag up...in ZIPLOCK BAGS!!!!!!....my $26,500 chips, and feel like I am about right where I want to be. We will come back tomorrow to 200/400 blinds. Perfect. Hopefully the chip fairy doesn't break into my highly secure ZIPLOCK bag and take any of my chips.

Maybe at some point on this trip I will get to enjoy a freaking meal. Maybe I will get my bag of 'stuff' and my ID badge. Maybe I will win the war of the GREEN vs. PLATINUM bracelet. IF I do lose on Day Two...they have a Second Chance tourney that starts on Friday. THe prize of that winner is a 15K buyin plus $1000 cash. 2nd place is a 10K buyin and $1000 cash. Hopefully, I am NOT playing that thing.

Hopefully, I make it out of Day 2...then Day 3...and play the Final Table on Saturday....win this damn thing...secure my TEN 10K buyins for this next year....play those ten tourneys....FINAL TABLE at least TWO of them...become a millionaire...and live happily ever after.

OR.....I can lose tomorrow. Lose on Friday. Call Delta...change my flight to get the hell out of here...and leave this shithole. Go home...catch the last few events at New Orleans WSOP event...maybe satellite into their Main Event on Monday...and play for one more major score in 2008. If I lose, I will do everything to get the hell out of this place. But I am HELLBENT on winning this damn thing!

All Inclusive! What a joke! Before I left...I got a tongue-lashing from Squirrel who complained that I spend too much timing going off about every other thing. That they aren't that big of a deal. One thing I really enjoyed about my two weeks in Vegas with Allie Prescott. We both are on the same level when it comes to how we see the rest of the world. Everything I find stupid, he finds stupid.

Everything I find irritating, he finds irritating. Everything that annoys me, annoys him. That is who I like being around. I know if he were here with me right now...he would be very close to wanting to blow this entire place up. And that would make it a whole lot more tolerable for me. And even a little bit fun!

If Squirrel were here...she would be constantly telling me to calm down. NO! I will not CALM DOWN! My backer paid for what was supposed to be a product that they are NOT representing. Not even close. It pisses me off...and I think I have every right to be PISSED! I can honestly say...if I had paid for this...I would be just as equally pissed as I am now.

I'm not like the guy who doesn't bitch when he is on a 'free roll.' That's BS. I treat every dollar spent like its mine. Just like with my tourney buy ins. I am no more upset when I lose my backers' money as I am when I lose my own money. Its one and the same.

Squirrel just got off work and called. 2 minutes. $1.69 a minute. $3.38. Can't wait to see my cell phone bill from this trip. Text messages are .35 cents per. Not as bad. Ya'all are two hours behind us. Not sure why...looks from the map like we are on the same longitude. Guess not. Its 3:45am here now. I am starving! Maybe I will use this trip to just fast and lose the 20 lbs I can afford to lose.

One thing I may get that I didn't plan on getting...a tan! I plan on going out to the pool at 9am and getting my 'tan on' with my new book...."The Traitor" from Stephen Coonts...a spy novel. Finished 'Extreme Measures' yesterday...that Vince Flynn novel. What an awesome book. Knocked that thing out in under a week.

OH MY GOD...almost forgot. Did my online Christmas shopping. For both Squirrel and ME. Hers...she will be very happy with....should arrive while I am here. Hope she doesn't open it! Mine..for myself....finally tracked down a Playstation 3 60gb system. Found it on eBay...bid on it...and WON...for $400! It should be arriving in Biloxi any day. Squirrel is getting me a Gaming Chair for Christmas...all I could think of that I really wanted/needed. I plan on going home...buying 'World at War' and getting after it!!!!

Okay...another excessively long blog from the Monkey...but we are pretty much caught up now. Good luck to those of you playing over at Harrah's New Orleans. I will hopefully be writing a POSITIVE update after today's upcoming Day Two.

MONKEY