Taking a break from our tale because of some big news and a response to a comment..

A BLOGGER REPLY HAS PUT ME ON TILT!!!

So, I am trapped at the house ever since coming home from Punta Cana. I have got my PS3 completely figured out. The damn thing connects with your wireless router connection. Amazing. I cleaned out and reorganized my "toy box," a cool wooden trunk-like thing Squirrel got me at some furniture store. And now I realize I have a PS2 and an Xbox that I will most likely NEVER use again, ever. And the controllers that go with it. Replaced with the XBox360 and PS3 60 gb. I feel like I am becoming one of the people they talk about living lives of excess. Hmmmm.....

Not sure where that came from. That is not why I sat down and decided to fire off another report this afternoon. I have some very exciting news, first of all. She is going to be thrilled when she finds out I listed the irrelevant PS3, XBOX 360 crap first....but, well, sorry sweetie. When I go to Vegas, Squirrel seems to miss me more than on any other trips I take. So on this recent trip, which saw me having to fly in and out of New Orleans...I came home after three weeks to a Squirrel who was very happy to see me. I am going to go low on the details here. Lets just say that somewhere around that NASA base on the border of MISS/LA...the Monkey Mobile pulled over and took care of some personal business that has led to the exciting announcement that we are now expecting a Little Monkey or possibly a Little Squirrel sometime around August 17th next year. That's right...this 41 year old child is about to be a father. Whoa! Nervous? Um...yeah. That goes without saying. Excited? Hell ya. Scared? A little bit. But on all the trips I make to places like Wal-Mart, where I see the worst kind of parents in the world, and all these awful shows on TV that showcase bad parents, I feel I am equipped to do a pretty good job. And Squirrel is great with kids. She will make a FANTASTIC Mother. One little issue. We got engaged last Christmas, in front of her whole family...and are still NOT married. I broke the news to MY Mom, and predictably, she went bananas...but Squirrel is a little nervous about telling hers. She wants to think about a quickie wedding before we go up there (Florence, Alabama) for Christmas. Hate that thought. Just feels so...contrived. I wish this summer when we were out with Gabe and Claudia that night...and made the attempt to go do a Vegas, middle-of-the-night wedding, that we had pulled that off. Because it would have felt special. You know? With friends. Spontaneous. Kind of crazy. Memorable. We didn't/don't want a big, expensive wedding. Instead, we want to have a really cool/fun reception, where ALL of our friends and family can come..dressed however they want...without the pressure of getting dressed up and spending a bunch of money on gifts and stuff. The other great thing about getting married is that I will go on her health insurance at the Beau Rivage. Kind of funny, they wont let me in there...but they WILL insure me!!!! HA!

Well, I reckon we will work all that out in the next week or so. It should be a very exciting nine months. In the meantime, I will try to win a crap load of money online...so I can spend as much time at home with her as possible. So how did that mission start out?

OH BOY! IN perhaps the single-worst beatdown in one day on Pokerstars...I literally started the day with $2450 in my online account. When I logged off at 5am...I had $1800. The day before wasn't a hell of a lot better. In fact, it was like everyone could either see my cards...or they knew exactly what was coming out. I wont go into individual hands and/or bad beats...but it was absolutely disgusting. It didn't matter HOW I played a hand. AA...I was losing. KK I was losing. Flop a straight. Forget it. I'm losing. Flop a set. Forget it. Get to the bubble...pick up AK...run into AJ....lose. TELL SOMEONE I have AA...and re raise them...they call the all in with Q10...make two pair. I was still holding that seat for STEP 6...the final step to the PCA trip...and for two days...it has failed to fill up. Geez...what the hell happens if you can NEVER get a game there? I also had a Step 5 ticket...that ended in disaster...didn't even get bumped down to Step 4 or 3....went out 7th. With AQ vs. A10. Guy flops broadway. How nice. So yesterday when I log on to get started...there is a software update! AWESOME...now maybe the cheaters will be thwarted for at least two days. I don't think so. Really, I think it was THE WORST DAY I HAVE EVER HAD online. But for some reason...I took it pretty well. I feel this pressure now...like I have never felt...to PRODUCE. But you know...if you are playing well, doing everything right...and you just get boned in the ass by either bad luck, bad players, cheaters, or all of them...what can you do? I guess you just have to laugh.

Cub got 3rd in New Orleans. Cool. He should have very firmly crushed me now for Rounder of the Year. I kind of regret not going over there and not trying to Mega my way into that Main Event. But I was busy trying to win the Sunday Million instead. I DID manage to cash...just not very deep...so big deal, right? Some guy Justin...a kid...won. Good for him. Must feel awfully good to be 21 and pocket that nice chunk of dough. Of course one of my online 'acquaintances' Bryan Lanoix texts me that 'His Boy' won the Main Event. It seems like every time I get a text from him one of 'his boys' is winning something. He needs to get a 2% 'one of my boys' sweat fee from all of his posse...he would be cleaning up!

A quick political note. All this crap with this Governor in Illinois has me freaked out. First of all...going back to the days of Al Capone...we all know just how corrupt Chicago area politics are. At least I hope we do. I wasn't completely on board with this Barack Obama Presidential deal...but it is what it is. He talks a good talk, he has assembled a good cabinet...and I am always willing to give someone a try before I throw them under the bus. But...and this is a mighty big BUT...does it strike anyone as odd that 'Barry' has quite possibly exhibited some incredibly bad judgement when it comes to the people he associates with? I mean in the last ten years, he has made very close ties with William Ayres (admitted domestic terrorist), Jeremiah Wright (radical, racist minister), Andrew Rezko (slimy, corrupt business man with ties to Muslim radicals) and now this jackass? Dude...I mean, at some point...a lot of things start to add up. Again...maybe he is just the victim of ...uh, coincidence. But let me say this, the same media who helped get Barry elected, will be the same ugly, fickle media who skewers his ass should things start to get ugly in the White House. I'm rooting for him to succeed, because this country needs it...but really, how can anyone with any common sense not be a little antsy?

I am very delighted to see gas down around $1.45 where it BELONGS! How does THAT make ya feel, ya damn Arabs!!!??? Sure the Exxon's and Mobil's are still making their ridiculous profits, just not AS ridiculous!

Also see where they finally found the body of Caylee Anthony. In a garbage bag near her home. With duct tape found wrapped around what is now just a skull. What must that chick Casey been thinking when she killed her own daughter? What demons live inside of HER? And what will become of her in prison? Wow. The great news is that we now get to listen to F*@#(&@ Nancy Grace go on and on about it for another two or three months. Every time I turn on the TV and see her, and hear her...I seriously want so badly to punch that woman in the face! And I have never struck a woman, nor thought about striking a woman in my life. I would have a REALLY hard time not slugging her!

Okay...I got some feedback from a blog reader. His username is RUTTDAWG...and he appears to be a fan of everything Louisiana based. He has a profile photo, but its Phil Gordon. He has called me out for 'name dropping' and for being too stupid to know when my start time was for Day Two down there in Punta Hella. I rolled his comments around in my head while cleaning up the patio from Destructo-Dog...and had a couple of ways to respond. First...I do not know this guy. So for me to respond in a personal fashion would be...well, just silly. let me tell you something...AND SHARE...I can take a lot of good natured ribbing. I can take being made fun of. In fact, one of my best friends IS one of my best friends because of his ability to make me LAUGH hysterically, and usually AT MYSELF based on what he has said to me or about me. In fact...he read my latest blog report...and emailed me in one of his 'middle of the night anything goes' rambling diatribes...I read it at about 8am...and laughed so hard my eyes started to tear up. Allow me to share....this is the email I received from ALLIE PRESCOTT two mornings ago:

Wow! Against my better judgement, in my sleep deprived and completely bored state (bc I have already gone through the entire TIVO list), I opened up this email from you to see if my good buddy had managed to secure himself one of the packages given by the bootcamp. What a fucking mistake! I am even more stunned and confused now than I was when you were staying out here that people actually take the time to read this shit. These people should be hunted down, tortured, and then murdered. They are using up valuable natural resources and contributing to the downfall of America and for that matter...the world. In fairness, I did not read the entire blog, so maybe in the parts I skipped over you included some pearls of wisdom that would have floored me and made me want to take back all of my insults, however...I doubt it. My reading came to an abrupt halt at the point where you were describing a cash game hand and labeled your Dominican opponents as "Villains". You, Monkey, are a fag, and no better than the 14 year old internet posters who jack off to 2+2 forums and run around talking non stop to their other loser fag friends about poker hero's and villain's. These are the same heterosexually challenged worthless fucks who rail the online $1/$2 NL games asking for five dollar donations. But at least they have an excuse. None of them had ever had a friend or companion before they joined the local dungeons and dragons club, then they advanced to Magic the Gathering, and when they finally reached a state of depression bc they thought they had grown too old to talk about wizards and elfs and dwarfs any more, they decided they could now refer to poker players as hero's and villains and keep the Fantasy World alive. This was all they had going in the worthless and pathetic lives, and so for them, i guess this terminology is OK........You however do not have any excuse. You are an unbelievable assclown. I see no further point or purpose in your life. And if I were you I would consider just ending it all. SERIOUSLY! But before I go I feel obligated to point out one more thing in hopes you will take this information and use it going forward as to not look like a total and complete idiot when talking poker to your cult following of mindless puppets. (Throat clearing sound) Here goes... The correct amount to raise/bet when you have pocket Kings and your opponent has pocket 5's (Or for that matter any other hand that is losing to pocket kings, and surprisingly enough there are quite a few of them bc KK is sort of a good hand) is...(wait for it)..."the largest amount possible that this other moron will call!" Did that register. If I were looking (and laughing) at you in person right now I would repeat that but I am way too lazy to type it again so just go back and reread it whenever you need to. The correct amount is not "an amount that they can call with a far inferior hand and then fold to a bet on the flop when they are way way behind, so that you make only half as much as you should have made in the hand." you are a disgrace. you are pathetic. And what's worse...You are now spreading your shocking stupidity to others and even finding a way to make a guy feel worse about busting when all he did was get the biggest poker degenerate on earth to put nearly his entire stack in almost dead...."Yeah, really stupid play Speedy Swede Guy" You should be ashamed of yourself. I am ashamed to call you a friend. So i will stop effective immediately. You are now officially only an "acquaintance" ANd a stupid one at that. Please reference the final 5 sentences of the previous paragraph and reread that until it sinks in completely. I will now try to fall asleep feeling dumber for having read your blog. Thanks for nothing. Allie

This and many other moments like this one, are what make Allie a great friend. Being able to laugh at oneself, I think...is very important. We sit up and pretty much have nothing but conversations like these when I am out there. Yet, at the end of the day, if there was anyone I ever needed to call for ANYTHING...Allie would be one of the guys I would call. Maybe I am not a normal person to label someone who would talk to me like this a GOOD FRIEND. I'm not sure. Maybe I am. I know Squirrel finds it bizarre. Maybe women just don't 'get us' like we get each other. So that being said...it brings me to this comment from this blog reader, RUTTDAWG.

Name dropping. Well, its funny, because I actually hate name droppers. And to be accused of BEING ONE...is a little, hmmm...humiliating (embarrassing??) I guess. Name dropper? Well, here is my defense. I pretty much use other people/players to make my stories more interesting. I use all kinds of people, some I call by name, some I just describe by what they are wearing, how they dress, their terrible hair do...you get the idea. And some happen to be people you or your friends may have heard of. If that is the case...fine. I live and play in a world where there are a lot of recognizable names. I find that stories involving them may just bring entertainment value to some of you readers. To those who find it insulting to your...um, sense of what really matters in the world, hey...sorry you don't find it entertaining. To further this point; IF....IF I were to become a NAME DROPPER...overnight...and look to garner attention for those who I might possibly be 'friends with' or 'know really well' let me tell you who those people would be. Maybe a really good author. A race car driver. A sexy actress. A supermodel maybe. A quarterback from my favorite football team. I used to actually run around L.A. about ten years ago with George Clooney when I was living out there for awhile. Met him through my roommate, who was a pretty successful actor, and we used to go to Clooney's house every Saturday to play basketball. That was actually a name I might have DROPPED had I been a name dropper. But I have always held true to the notion that WHO YOU KNOW does not define WHO YOU ARE. You are what you have made YOURSELF. Those around you who signal success may make you appear more likeable, or attractive to some...but at the end of the day, you are STILL the person you have made yourself. So...RUTTDAWG...my intention is NOT to drop names to impress you. Especially the names of freaking POKER PLAYERS! I am not the least bit impressed by ANY POKER PLAYER IN THE WORLD, other than I might respect his/her game. If you check out my FACEBOOK you will notice quite a few names you recognize. BIG FLIPPIN DEAL. It gets me nowhere in life. Its just people who are in the same line of work as I am. I like a lot of them. I am not crazy about some of them. These are just people I work with. PERIOD.

On the comment regarding my inability to know what time I was supposed to be back, that I am stupider than your 90 year old Grandfather. First...let me say, you are LUCKY to have a 90 year old Grandfather! I wish I still HAD a Grandfather who was alive. And second..yeah...I felt kind of stupid NOT KNOWING the start back time was 10am. But you know what? I wasn't the only one who didn't know. They NEVER announced the time at the end of day 1. It wasn't like a normal tournament where its published somewhere. The ONLY place where it stated the back time was on the back of our ID BADGE...which again, I DIDNT GET! So...am I blaming Ron Rubens? You bet I am! And unless you were there, and experienced what I did, how can you possibly sit in judgement about how things went down? The answer is, you can't. So...thank you RUTTDAWG for being a reader...and thank you for taking the time to chime in with feedback. I felt I owed you an explanation. And there you go.

Now then...I am about to do something earth-shattering. Me and my 245 lb. (20 to 25 pounds OVERweight) 300+ cholesterol having body are going to start on THE MISSION! Me and Squirrel are headed to our local gym to begin what hopefully will be the journey that gets me back in shape, prevents me from having a freaking heart attack (resulting in my first-born being introduced to this MESSED UP PLANET without a father to show him the ropes, or AHEM...HER) and maybe helps me deal with some of the angst I feel from certain things in my life!!!!

Have a nice day, everyone!

MONKEY