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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ohhh We Got Some Catching Up To Do!!!

Yes...I know...the silence has been deafening. Or golden, depending on your perspective. I am going to warn you...this could be a VERY long blog. Why don't I just break them up into several different blogs? Meh....why bother? You're still going to have to read them all, right?

I don't even know where to start. Suppose I will start by wishing David 'Lurky' Nicholson luck today as he goes back for the WSOP $1k...Event 33...with a lot of chips and only 14 remaining. It's amazing how many friends and acquaintances I have that are winning a ton of money and playing great out in Vegas this summer. Really happy for those guys!


My first day of playing Mr. Mom has been a complete success! Squirrel checked in once...and now just called, on her way from work. I'm sure she is speeding! She hated leaving this morning for her first day back at work since leaving to have Carley. But I think she knew I was capable. After she left, I turned on the TV and what was on HBO? 'Mr Mom!' Not kidding. The real old one...with Michael Keaton and Terri Garr.

I have a lot of political thoughts, theories and ideas bouncing around in my head...that have been fermenting over the past month. Not sure if I will get into them here or not. Sometimes, as I watch things occur, and I get all worked up about it...I need to vent, and think I will maybe do it here. But I have to constantly remind myself that this is supposed to be (at least sort of) a poker blog...and that delving into the political thoughts might result in losing half of my readers!


One thing I find particularly hilarious...and kind of just annoying...is watching Barack every time he boards Air Force One. Notice...how he tucks his arms in and kind of does a stairmaster-like jog up the steps and onto the plane? He even does it when he's leaving the plane. What message is he trying to send? That he's the 'healthy' president? Come on Barack! He smokes. I've never seen him out jogging. I think GWB jogged something like 10 miles a week...granted, I couldn't stand Bush...but when Bush boarded Air Force One...he gracefully boarded the plane. I just think Barack looks like a bonehead.

Oh...before I get too far into this blog entry...I want to announce that I have sold ALL 32 shares for the WSOP. And I sold them out in 5 days. I was pretty surprised...not that I sold them all, just that I sold them that fast. I've actually had to turn down 6 people so far. So to all you guys who called my package 'outrageous' or 'ridiculous' for the rate that I sold it at...well, I won't gloat...but I just hope I give you a reason to eat crow on my trip to Vegas in a couple weeks.

I got a call yesterday from a guy I've gotten to know real well the past few years. We've played together. We did volunteer work together in Tuscaloosa after the tornadoes. He used to be the guy who did all the website updates for the tourneys at the Beau Rivage. He had a buddy of mine back him last year in the Main Event in New Orleans and went on a real deep run, finishing 19th. He has recently gotten a full time job as a chef working in Orlando for Disney. But he still has the poker itch...which as we all know is hard to get rid of. He is a really good guy, very responsible, doesn't screw around with the other games in the casino besides poker.

Anyway, there are very FEW people I would ever want to spend money on in backing ventures. Not that I'm up to my eyeballs in disposable income right now, because I'm admittedly not. But even if I was, I'd like to think I would still use the same degree of discretion that I do when I'm counting all my pennies. Well, this guy is Brian Heptinstall. He is someone a lot of you probably know. He sent out an IM yesterday to a few of us...suggesting he wanted to take a 2-week trip to Vegas and see what he can do. I ended up calling him to see what he had in mind, and about half way through the conversation I was making recommendations to him...as far as what to sell, at what price, etc...and that I would try to help him. Why? Because I like how he plays. He's a very focused player. And for those of you who don't get to go to Vegas this year...or are just looking for a smaller-priced guy to invest in, then Brian might just be your guy.


He has no ego...so he isn't going out with the lofty promise of playing all the big glamor events. What he is looking to do is play a bunch of those $225 (or whatever they are with the juice) Deepstack events at 2pm at Rio that have been drawing nearly 1,000 every event. The one the other day paid $51,000 for first! Pretty sick value there. He would like to play a couple (if possible) $400 and/or $600 events at Venetian as well. And if he just happens to run good...of course, he will attempt to parlay it into something really huge...like satelliting into the Main. He has a good plan. And he isn't the guy who is going to go out and party it up and jerk around. He is a married guy, and very grounded. I am on his bandwagon. I think he decided he is going to sell a total of 20 shares (with each share worth 3% of his total action) for $200 a share. If you are interested in getting in on Brian's Las Vegas package...why don't you shoot him an email.  bheptin@gmail.com  or you can just as easily find him on Facebook.

I would ask...now that I have vouched for Brian...and tried to help him out with his plan...please don't bombard me with a bunch of requests to do the same for all of you. Trust me, I get a lot of people asking me to help them with their causes...and I try where I can...but its just too tough to take them all on...I'm sure you guys understand.

Sunday was our 7th show on the Radio Show with Scotty Clark. I have to say it went pretty well. My guest was Mark Rose...and I thought he was great. I am trying hard to ask questions I think all of our listeners will want to hear the answers to...so feel free, if you are listening, to let me know how you think I am doing on the show. One thing...I'm noticing...that as we go, its getting harder and harder to dig up guests for the show every week!!! It's really pretty hard too, with the WSOP going on...getting people that aren't busy playing on Sunday. Scotty and I are talking about a future segment...called something like "Monkey Vents!" or "15 Minutes of Monkey Rants!" Not really sure yet on the name...but it will be a great place for me to 'go off' and I suspect that once I get to Vegas, I will have plenty to fill that segment with. We are also working with the radio side of it...seeing if we can do pre-recorded interviews with our talent, so that we can get them when they are available, then play it on Sunday during the show. It would make things a lot smoother I think.


I have a deal of some sorts with Lock Poker. I say some sorts...because I really don't know what I'm getting back from them. I have now sent two emails to their two 'main people' who are supposed to answer all my affiliate-related questions...but have yet to hear back from them. I know I'm getting rakeback. Not sure how much. I think I'm getting rakeback on people I get to sign up. Again...no idea how much. And I also do not know if, or how much rakeback those people are getting. I DO know that they are getting a 200% signup deposit bonus...by signing up with my link then entering a special code 'thefuture' when they go to deposit. That much I know. Just so you know...that bonus doesn't pay immediately, you have to earn certain levels of points...and the bonus money gets released incrementally. If you played on Stars and/or Tilt you are familiar with how they do this.

IF you have already downloaded LOCK, but haven't played yet...click this link to join up and give me a referral and yourself a rakeback plan (of some kind!)

IF you haven't downloaded LOCK...or played yet either...click this link to download the software, join the site...give me a referral...and set yourself up with a plan of some kind.


Shout out to my little sister, who was named Co-Coach of the year at her college up in Wisconsin...she is her school's Athletic Director as well as Softball Coach. Very proud of her. And she was allowed to go on a 2-month leave of absence so she could go to Grad School at the University of Washington this summer, and spend time with my mother. Janae has always been a great sister, and never fails to amaze me with her drive, and her determination.

Frank Kassela, a good friend of mine...who appeared as my first guest on the radio show...and who's 4th of July party I will be attending in a couple of weeks hit a Royal Flush on a video poker machine the other day...for $100,000! Of course my first question, was 'how much went into the machine to win that?' He quickly responded...$1700. That my friends...is a pretty good ROI!

Saw an interview on Ellen the other day...where she had P.Diddy on her show. Now, I never used to be a real fan of Puffy, or Diddy, or P. Diddy, or Sean...but then after his appearance in the movie...oh wow, what was it? 'Get Him to the Greek' I think...he was awesome. Well, he was pretty cool on Ellen....but as I'm watching it, I'm like..."Holy shit...that is the SAME, almost EXACT voice, and even accent (Brooklyn in nature) as that of Dwyte Pilgrim....a.k.a. 'The Duke!' I mean...it was uncanny. Not sure if those of you who know Duke have noticed this or not. Next time you see or talk to him though....listen!

There are a couple of things....that when you have thrown out your back...things that you really kind of take for granted, that are very difficult to perform. Can you guess what just a few of them are?

Do I tell you about my return trip to the Pensacola Dog Track this past weekend first? Or do I share with...and break down...a couple of comments I received, but didn't publish...from our resident Mr. Anonymous? Hmmm. I am starting to think...through my incredible ability to break down writing styles and basic themes, that our Anonymous writer is the same person. I used to think I had a whole bunch of haters out there...but I think anyone who has played with me the past two years has realized I barely resemble my old self of a few years ago. And furthermore...those who even kind of know me a little bit understand I am not the hateful, berating smart ass I was either. Which makes it hard to believe there could really be that many players out there still clinging to their disdain for me. And if they still do? Dude...seriously, grow up and move on!
So...lets get into this.

First, our old buddy Chad Burns has resurfaced...crawling out of the gutter to wish death upon me and my newborn daughter. Yup. Classy, classy kid that Oompa Loompa from Spring, Texas....aka 'Outskirts of Houston.'

It started innocently enough. I was skimming through the daily lineup of people's wall posts, and I happened upon Michael Hallen's post. Something to the effect of running like crap and trying to make it all good by going and getting a full body massage. To which....we see a chime in by Chad, "Hey I saw that chick Amanda Musumeci just took down like 400k...why don't you go hit her up for some money!!??" And again, this might not be exact...since that post is now gone. But its very close.

Cue Kevin Helper...another player I am fond of, and friend of Hallen's who sees this and quips that Chad should try this himself, since it's worked out so well for him in his other ventures.

KABOOM!  The Burns Dynamite Keg goes off! Unfortunately, or fortunately I guess...Hallen deleted the next few exchanges of messages...so I can't post them here. Because if you are a human being with even KIND of a heart...it was utterly appalling. Chad went off on Kevin...and attacked his family, calling his daughter an ugly piece of shit...etc etc etc...in very typical Chad Burns fashion. Well...I saw this, and though hesitant to get even slightly involved, especially since the Troll had for the most part slithered out of my life the past 6 months or so...couldn't resist at least showing my support for Kevin. I think I said something to the effect of "Well, look who's back? I see somethings never change...wow. Kevin...you're daughter is adorable, don't listen to a word that clown is saying on here."

Time for Chad to tee off on me! I guess he was referencing a comment I left on Lauren Kling's Facebook...after some photographer out at the WSOP had posted some photos of a bunch of female players. I said she was, in my opinion, the most attractive female poker pro. Period. I have known Lauren since she first started playing. We met in Tunica...where she was with her Dad...a really nice guy. I have always thought she was a sweet girl, and a very good player. We see each other occasionally at events and chat...nothing too serious, just friendly conversation. She is dating (I think) a guy named Matt Marafioti...who I had at my table in a Venetian event last year. Nice guy. Great sense of humor. I kept calling him Toby Maguire...actually I was calling him Spiderman. It was a fun day of poker.

Okay...so Chad blasts me on Mike's wall...then...to confirm what he said, because Mike deleted his comments...after texting him telling him he was removing his comments AND him as a friend on Facebook...he turns around and messages me making sure I saw what he said about me.

  • Here's what i wrote just in case you missed it, FAGGOT!!! Lauren Kling does not like you, dumbass...get a clue!

    "Poker Monkey", no one gives a flyin' fuck about your opinion you pathetic piece of garbage! You giving anyone a compliment is a complete insult because everyone who knows you also knows that you simply don't have it in you to give ANYONE a compliment about ANYTHING unless it somehow benefits your worthless self! Sure Lauren is pretty, of course she is and of course she knows that...but rest assured that she definitely doesn't need (or want) to hear it from some washed up 46 year old poker player who is dead broke and mad at the world because he hates his life and himself! Nice job on creating fake Twitter accounts for Matt Marafioti by the way...same exact thing you did to me months ago and I've already told Matt it was you that did it...real cool buddy, how old are you again? Oh, 46? Awesome!! Now please go die in a fucking grease fire and make sure you are holding your newborn piece of shit daughter as you burn to death!!! And for those that don't know this piece of trash named "Poker Monkey", ask around in the poker community and see just how hated he really is...NO ONE likes or has an ounce of respect for this idiot! "

    TO WHICH I RESPOND:

     William PokerMonkey Souther
    • This is what you wrote where? And who is Matt Marafioti? Why are you blubbering about Lauren? I've known Lauren since she started playing, Chad. I have no interest in her romantically, just happen to think she's a nice girl and a great player. I really wish I knew what was at the root of your mental illness. I can't figure out who your more of a danger to, the community or yourself. Wishing death upon me is one thing, but my daughter? Wow. You got problems Chad. Btw for the record, it wasn't me who created that faux Facebook account of you, but Jeff Timms. You really should take a nice long look at yourself in the mirror and decide what kind of person you would like to be. You still have time to do something positive.

      Will Souther

Interestingly, he never replied to this comment. Is that perhaps a sign that he realizes just what an asshole he is...or was? That maybe he was reflecting on possibly changing his ways? I would like to think so. I mean...I simply have run out of energy or reason to engage this putz. When you see just how sick the guy is...the correct/proper reaction I think...should be to just keep as far away from him as possible. I'm just amazed that he has lived as long as he has. Because it isn't just me that he talks to like this. It's anyone who crosses him. Very bizarre.
So this is the screenshot Mike Hallen sent me in his exchange with Chad.


So that was a fun day. I sent a quick message to Matt letting him know my part in whatever this little 'deal' was...hoping he put zero amount of thought into it and just laughed at it. If not, I guess I will have to deal with it the next time I see him.

Wow...this blog is going to be so long. I have quite a little tale about Pensacola this past weekend.

First...and I'm not even going to that story next...is there anything more offensive as an intelligent person (I'm only speaking to those who are intelligent here) than when an idiot tries to convince you that something is the way it is...like a stupid rule...because its a STATE LAW!??? I mean...first of all, for them to assume that you will buy that, they have to be rather stupid to start with, right? And secondly, they have to think that the person they are telling this to is STUPIDER than THEY ARE! Now...that's a whole lotta stupid going around. But when that same person tries to sell that 'It's a State Law' bullshit to someone with an unusually high level of intelligence? Well...that's just some furniture-smashing brand of ridiculousness! I'm guessing at some point in your life...you have encountered this moron...answering your question with "Because it's a State Law...it's not me...it's them. I don't want to get in trouble."

Dude...how bout this? How about if I just kill you? Seriously. All you are is a roadblock in the way of smart people trying to get ahead in life. We will chalk it up to natural selection...you just weren't equipped to make it on this planet. Survival of the Fittest. Honestly, I'm doing you a favor. Now just stick your head in this guillotine and I will end your (and all of ours) suffering here on Earth. Bye Bye!

 Let me get to this guy's reader comment. Captain Anonymous. Not because it upsets me...as much as I kind of just want to point out just how pathetic and sad some people can be. Actually there is two of them...pretty similar in tone and theme.

SAYS ANONYMOUS HATER:

When you brag about all your tournment success to people, do you inform them that they are small tournments where the skill level is not that high. You min cash alot which is a sign of just playing tight not good. You claim that you would make millions if you were staked in big buyin events. you are delusional. Is that what you tell your wife that all you need is a shot and that is the only reason your not successful. Stop poping pills all the time. your brain is deff messed up from all the ativan/xanax.

MY REPLY (here, for the first time)

First let me say...you say a lot about your level of intelligence with all the spelling errors. It's hard for me to feel sufficiently 'beat down' verbally when the person doing it sounds like a moron. Next. Bragging about all my tournament success to people? Um...if you were capable of interpreting messages, you would understand that I was 'making light' of my success at the Dog Track. You ask if I inform them that they are a small tournament where the skill level is not that high? Now this really shows how defunct you are of an ounce of intelligence quotient whatsoever...since the THEME of my entry was just HOW bad the skill level there is...and that the field contained EXACTLY 72 players. Did you feel that somehow got left out? And if you knew ANYTHING about how badly they DO play over there, you would understand why I thought my victory there was SO shocking. Beating horrendous players is MUCH more difficult than beating what I would deem 'quality' poker players for reasons that if I had to explain to a simpleton like you would make me this blog read like 'War and Peace.' So I won't even try. "You min cash a lot which is a sign of just playing tight, not playing good." Oh yeah? Really? You're basing this on what exactly? Your in-depth experience of witnessing ALL of my tournaments? Or just other player's assessment of my play from your past experience? "Monkey is a total nit...who only ever raises with Top Five hands!" If this is what I have spent 7 years making other players believe? Then guess what? I have been successful, you joker. If you had a shred of common sense, you would be able to do a little deductive reasoning and figure out how a player is using that tight (alleged) image to his benefit against good players. But I am quite certain you don't...so wasting any more breath explaining early, middle and deep poker tournament strategy to an anonymous hater is really just a waste of time. So I will continue on.

I claim that I would make millions if I could find someone to stake me in all the 5k and 10k events? And that I'm delusional? Um..yes, I do, as a matter of fact. And no, it is YOU that is delusional...guy who won't even sign his name to his comment. If you understood anything about tournament poker...than you would understand just how realistic my statement is. Is that what I tell my wife? First...what does my wife have to do with it? Second...my wife has just as much confidence in my ability as I do. So you can kindly leave her out of your comment. And what would a comment be without a comment relating to popping pills, suggesting my head is 'deff' messed up from all the xanax/attivan. Well...gosh, you MUST be right...cuz that 3 or 4 attivan I take a month (prescribed by my physician) has GOT to be screwing me up. Xanax I do not take. Never have. You left out adderol...which I also take maybe three or four times a month. I literally use it for two things. Long road trips. And long poker tourneys. Or stud tourneys...where I need to be incredibly attentive and dialed in. I have a pretty healthy case of A.D.D...but instead of getting a full prescription to it...and taking it EVERY DAY...I simply use it when I think I will benefit most by using it. I realize that for haters like you its just a very convenient piece of ammunition to attempt to fire at me. Sorry pal, wide left!

End of Reply to Hater Comment Number One.

HATER COMMENT #2 SAYS: (in all caps for added effectiveness) This one I will respond to in a different shade of text...behind each comment. Since he was nice enough to number them.

#1. QUIT CALLING YOURSELF A PRO. YOU SUCK AT POKER!  (when all you do for a living is play poker...and have managed to pay your bills over the past 7 years doing it...wouldn't it make it your PROfession? If you file taxes as a PROfessional gambler...wouldn't that make you a PRO poker player? Whether I suck (in your opinion) or not...you can't argue with the fact that my profession is PROFESSIONAL POKER PLAYER.)#2. DONT GO TO VEGAS AND WASTE ANYONES HARD EARNED MONEY. WHAT IDIOT WOULD BACK YOU ANYWAY? (sorry to disappoint you, but I AM going to Vegas, and I will be going with the money of 32 different people, who all thought I was a worthwhile gamble to try to turn their investment into more money. If they feel they are wasting their hard earned money...well, its THEIR money to waste, isn't it? I hope that answers your second part of the question...which idiot would back me anyway?)  #3. DONT SAY"THE ONES OF US WHO GET DEEP IN EVERY TOURNEY" YOU BARLEY MAKE THE MONEY CAUSE YOU PLAY A TIGHT ASS MAKE IT IN THE MONEY WITH NO CHIPS SYLE. (It's this question that makes you sound a lot like the author of the first comment, or just a good buddy of that person. I say 'the ones of us who make it deep in every tourney' because, quite frankly...it IS the same group of us. Yeah...us! I play a 'tight ass barley(sic) make the money cause(sic) you play a tight ass make (some hyphens here would be helpful) the money with no chips syle (sic) [by the way...for the stupid...'sic' means 'spelling incorrect'] If you are referring to me being a patient player who doesn't panic as a result of looking at all the chip stacks around me being 3 or 4 times higher than mine...and shipping it with Q8 suited...instead waiting for an actual 'playable' hand...then yeah...I'm guilty. I've had a LOT of experience playing short stacks into wins...as have a lot of other very good players. You can't have a monster stack EVERY tourney...and so when you don't...the best way to get from the top of the mountain down to the base...isn't to just jump...but to take the long, meandering path. Yeah...the moral of that story? Don't 'shit the bed.') #4. DONT BE LEAVING HOME FOR LOG PERIODS OF TIME TO WASTE TIME AND MONEY AT SOMETHING THAT YOU SUCK AT, WHEN YOU HAVE A NICE WIFE AND NEW BABY.(again, I'm not sure what concern my wife and kid are to you. It's actually kind of creepy...and it feels like you are making a play for my wife. If I didn't have the support of my wife...trust me, I would never leave home.) #5.DONT GET MAD AT SOMEONE DOING YOU A FAVOR BY BEING HONEST AND TELLING YOU THIS. EVEN IF IT IS ANONYMOUS. IF SOMEONE IS TELLING THE TRUTH IT DOESNT MATTER IF ITS ANONYMOUS OR YOUR BEST FRIEND. JUST CAUSE YOU WANT TO FIND OUT AND BEAT THEM UP, THATS FUKIN STUPID! (this is where you, Mr Anonymous, really come across as a complete assclown. And a chicken shit. First of all...I'm not getting MAD at you. I'm laughing at you. You think you are 'doing me a favor by being honest....whoa whoa whoa...gotta stop there. Honest? You chicken shit loser...you can't even sign your fucking name to your comment...and you want to preach the merits of honesty? Seriously? Do you even KIND of realize how stupid that sounds? It doesn't matter whether it's anonymous or a friend if someone is telling the truth? Well, I would beg to differ. First of all...who is saying what you are telling me is the truth? YOU! No one else. And we don't even know who YOU are! If my friend tells me something...they are coming from a point of having qualified themselves as someone who actually DOES know me. Who represents themselves by taking responsibility for their statement.  So what? You aren't leaving your name because you are afraid I will hunt you down and beat the fuck out of you? Well...then once again...that just makes you THAT much more of a pussy. The best thing for you to do....seriously? Would be to just shut the fuck up. Pretty sure 99.9% of my readers will agree with me here.) #6. TAKE YOUR DUMB FUKIN LOUD MOUTH MONKEY LOVIN ASS AND GO GET A JOB. (NOT POKER PRO).(My monkey lovin ass? Um...for the record, I do not own any pet monkeys. So that comment makes no sense. And if you haven't played at my table since 2008...I guess you don't understand or realize that I barely talk at the table anymore. Not that I wont....especially if challenged by your stupid ass. And if I decide to go get a job...that isn't in the category of playing poker...I will do that because I want to...not because I am being advised by some internet message board tough guy hiding behind his keyboard.) #7. AND LAST OF ALL, ADMIT YOU STAGED (oh wow, really? We are back to THIS subject again? So all the posted police reports, the pictures of the perpetrators, the court dates, the detectives names and phone numbers....wow, none of that pounded it into your thick fucking head that we actually DID get robbed? And that my down payment for our future house in Biloxi was taken from us? Which is why we are still renting the same house) YOUR HOUSE GETTING ROBBED, PAY EVERONE BACK WHAT YOU TOOK (huh? Pay everyone back what I took? You have no idea what you are talking about. Who are you suggesting I pay back? There were NO victims of our home getting robbed other than my wife and I! Oh, I had to make up a shortfall of cash to cover all of my football pools...and I did that. By winning/chopping the last $550 Venetian tournament that February. Came home...and immediately paid EVERY single winner of my pools. There is a reason I have had the same group of people, and more every year, playing in my pools for 15 years. So....uh...go fuck yourself) AND WE WILL CALL IT EVEN FOR THE ADVICE. (call it even? Oh...okay thanks Doctor Phil) AND I GUESS YOU MAY AS WELL ADMIT WHAT YOU TOOK IN THE VEGAS (admit what I took in Vegas? What does that even mean or allude to? Are you referring to our rental house getting home-invaded while 5 of the 6 occupants were all out playing tourneys? The one person who was there had her purse emptied...and she pointed out where we hid the grocery money that we all chipped in on. I didn't have anything else taken. Nor did anyone else in the house. So what exactly you're alluding to...as 'admit what I took' makes no sense whatsoever. 

I don't know what made me post these messages...with my responses. I guess part of it is that over the past two months...I have really had the chance to discover a whole different side of life. The side where being a dad...and a partner with a woman I love in raising a child in this fucked up world...has made me see just how completely ridiculous and pointless all of this kind of shit talk is. I can only assume these are the comments of young, immature little assholes that are motivated by jealousy. Hey...I know I'm not THE greatest, let alone even ONE of the greatest players to ever live. I'm not an idiot. But hell, I'm in the top 100 players of ALL TIME in total cashes. And that feels pretty good. Like I've accomplished something somewhat meaningful. And I've made a lot of friends among the players, dealers and tournament staff. I've gone through the peaks and valleys. I've been kicked out of casinos...and worked on my attitude and personality and just kissed a few butts, to get back in. It's been a very interesting and colorful ride the past 7 or 8 years. I have a few regrets, but not many. I know I'm a pretty good player. I know because I will sit at a table and be able to dissect errors at a staggering rate. Its the same as when I played baseball. You know you are good because its easy to spot other players' weaknesses...except those who are better than you. And those are the ones you look up to with respect, and try to learn from. Its the same in poker. There are certain players whose skill I admire, and try to learn from them...by watching certain parts of their game.

But I think any of you who know me know that I am not one to go around bragging...ever...about anything I've ever achieved in poker. If anything, I'd like to think I'm pretty generous with the self-deprecating humor as it pertains to my poker playing experiences. I can now take comments like the two above with a grain of salt...whereas maybe a year or two ago it would really piss me off. I mean...if a GOOD friend of mine pulled me aside, and said all that to me? Oh...that would make a pretty major impact. But until that happens? These comments are just a place for me to work on my improv/comeback skills.

Ahhhh...a little update on the Event 33 $1k that Lurky is playing in....they started the day with 14 players...and now are down to 9. Nicholson is sitting 5th in chips. There aren't a lot of names I recognize at the table...included are a Canadian, a Swiss and a Russian...oh! But there is one guy who's name we all recognize...and that would be SUPER PRICK himself....MATT STOUT. I would say I would love to see Lurky get heads up with Stout trailing by a 10-1 chip deficit...and come back and smoke his ass for the bracelet. But I really don't want that to happen, because that would mean that Stout would win $273k for second. Naw...I'd like to see Lurky knock him out for 9th place ($32k) instead. Guess I have to fire up the live online feed now and watch. Maybe I will get lucky and see some Rio police dogs attack Stout for the bag of dope he has in his backpack...that would be awesome! Jeezuz...just got the live feed up...and Stout is wearing a damn NY Rangers jersey. WTF? Remember the scene in 'Wedding Singer' when Adam Sandler's character ordered his ex-psycho girlfriend to take off his Van Halen t-shirt before she cursed them and caused them to break up? This is what I am feeling right now.

Pensacola:

Went to my house again on Saturday to some work. The fleas...despite 4 treatments so far...are STILL present. Bad. How aggravating! So I did nothing but yard work. I talked to my friend who told me there was a $100 tourney at the dog track at 7pm. Sold! Got there at 6. Found someone with a ticket and bought it for $75. Then lost $120 in cash game. Played tourney.

Holy shit. Had the infamous 'Chuck' at my table. From my experience there last year. Chuck is this old, curmudgeonly asshole...who drove me bananas! He gets it in bad like getting it in bad is a cure for cancer.  He has no sense of pot control...or anything else. Just grabbing and throwing chips. Well he grabbed and threw me about 3/4 of his stack over three hands before donking off the rest of them a bit later.

I just sat there for 6 levels watching with complete astonishment at the horrendous play. I literally do not think I've ever seen anything like it. Raising...with any hand but AA was a waste of time. No one EVER folded...and if you tried to c-bet after flopping air, you almost always either get called or they just open shove. Three-betting is obviously against the law over there. Preflop raising anywhere from 6 to 10 times the blind is common place. What's most fun...is when 7 players limp for 200...and the guy in the big blind makes it 1500...and they ALL CALL. What's even more fun...is when the guy bets like 3k on the flop...and gets 4 callers. But wait...the turn sees them all check! And even greater...they all check the river!!! Poker!!! Like you'd never see anywhere else! So I just shifted my game completely...into a totally goofy mode. I was limping in with a lot of hands I'd ordinarily be raising with. AQ. 77. AJ suited. And it was nice because no one was raising. So if I actually hit a board, I could milk some value out of it...because there was/is always someone calling and paying you off. And if it checked on the flop and/or turn...I could almost always take down the pot with a decent bet on either the turn or the river.

So we got down to about 21 players remaining...out of 57...with first place paying $1450. I was above average and thinking about a repeat win in this Den of Mutants. And then I got the dreaded QQ. This guy who took about 4 minutes to act every damn hand raises to 3600 at 600/1200. Guy across from me flat calls the 3600 leaving 10,500 behind. Hmmm. A bit odd. I look down at QQ and make it 12,000 to go. Slow guy tanks and folds KQ (I'm told after the hand)...and the young guy across me starts agonizing...and counting his stack. I immediately put him on something like 88,99 or 1010. And its confirmed when he asks me if I have something like JJ or QQ. "Yep...good read." Because the way I run with QQ...and about 9k in the pot of other people's money...I'm okay with him folding. Especially if he has overs. But for some inexplicable reason...and he said it had to do with his remaining chips and how much was in the pot...he called anyway...for the remainder of his stack...with pocket 10's.

And once again...bad luck bit me in the ass...as the dealer put a ten on the flop. Fuck! And it held. I was left with 8k. And I did make a bit of a comeback...getting one idiot who limped for 1200 with J8 to call my all in from the BB with AKs. I hit nothing, but neither did he. Got really card dead...and didn't have any chances to steal a round of blinds either...and finally....with a guy limping UTG...I decided to ship 12BB's with QJd...only to get called by the guy with AQ. Ugh. He won. I lost. And I was out 17th I think. 

Went to the cash table. Didn't have any dust-ups with any of the players...but there was one with a dealer. This same dealer pulled some stupid shit here last year...and it was related to my iPad. He's one of those dealers...think his name is Gerry...who, even though there is something that NONE of the other dealers worry about, or have an inkling of a problem with...this guy makes it of epic importance to focus all of his attention on the most minute BS. That day with my iPad I wanted to smack him over the head with it. The floor guy finally told him it was fine if I used it....just so that I wasn't using it while in a hand...and slowing down the game. Obviously...the 'common sense' rule.

Well, this week...it was something even stupider. I was in the 4 seat. I didn't have anyone at the table that I had started disliking with any great degree of angst....yet. So a buddy of mine from over there comes over with his girlfriend to say hi...and basically, just being polite, I stand up from my seat, and take like one step back...to engage them in conversation. I happen to think its pretty annoying and rude when players stay in their seat and talk to their visiting friends there at the table. Sure most of you agree with me. So I am standing...literally two feet from my seat. The dealer goes to put out the next hand...and as I turn around I see him passing me. 

"Why did you decide not to deal me in?"

"Well, you weren't in your seat. And we aren't supposed to deal to a player if they aren't in their seat. It's a State Law!"

Yeah! The 'ol 'it's a State Law' comeback. Typically...I could care less about missing a hand, especially in cash game. But I will at least ask why the guy didn't deal me in. So when he responded with that answer...I went a little nuts.

"First of all, I was two feet away...and most dealers will ASK the player in that situation if they WANT a hand this time. You didn't. Secondly...you are claiming this is a STATE LAW!??? Really? I am going to go ahead and guess that there was NEVER a session in the State House of Representatives where a bill was presented to make it a LAW to not deal a poker player into a hand who isn't sitting in their seat. The fact is, you don't know what else to tell me without sounding like you know what your talking about...so you are telling me its a State Law...in hopes that I will just accept that and flutter off like a wayward butterfly. If its a house rule, FINE. But don't try to sell me this can of BS that its a State Law...because I know better!!!"

So, being a spineless dork...he snap calls the floor. And I think this is where a lot of players get nervous. Oh my god! The floor has been called! I'm in trouble now! That player is not me. Instead, I'm excited as hell to hear how he will spin this. And is it just me? Or is it almost 92.75% of the time where the dealer will almost ALWAYS embellish or completely change the story to benefit his/her position? Its so fucking irritating. And I know its coming. And of course...he didn't disappoint. I stated my case...the floor guy was real cool about it...and he left. 

It didn't end there. Now I was just wanting to win a shit ton of hands so I could stiff this asshole. Problem was, I didn't.  Dammit. But I had made allies with the kid in the ten seat...who thought I was pretty hilarious I think. Guys have this ability that most women don't have...wherein we can 'talk' to each other without ever saying a word. They call it non-verbal communication. I call it 'guy talk' because I've never been able to 'chat' that way with women, ever.  So dude over in the 10-seat and I are 'talking' about random shit at the table...some involving this dipshit dealer. Then I see him spit into an empty coke bottle.

"Ohhhh...now that right there has GOT to be against the law!" He looks back at me...and says...under his breath..."shit yeah it is...shut up!!!" and puts his bottle down with a grin on his face.

BOOM! Dipshit explodes! FLOOOOOORRRRR!!!!  What the fuck!??? Now, I can't WAIT to hear how this one gets explained. So as soon as that same floor guy returned I tried to take the bulls by the horns...kind of explaining to him what just happened...and sure enough...assclowns tries explaining it like I am fucking with him. (the dealer) And then dude in the 7-seat...who had a hair-do I'd been making fun of (looked like a waxy helmet) but hadn't started to dislike yet and hadn't said anything ugly to him (just the guy next to me) suddenly blurts out that I was directing comments to the dealer and being a smart ass. I go off on him...and then the floor guy pulled me from the table and asked for an explanation, telling me he knows of me...and honestly, he handled it perfectly, to his credit. After I explained myself, he totally understood, and then when we returned to the table the kid in the 10-seat also told him what had happened.

Nothing else happened after that. A couple dealers I know from there...who used to work at the Beau...came by and told me that the guy was a bit of a whack job. No!!!??? Really? Well...at any rate...I'm glad I didn't get the shit end of the stick on that deal.

No...that was the guy at the table behind us...who, after running OVER the 2/5 game...was forced to leave when he had words with one of the local players who he busted...and who then came back to the table to ask him 'what you said' before he walked away. That escalated into a war of words...and before we knew it the table was surrounded by security. Both players had to leave...and this guy, despite begging to be allowed to stay, had to rack up three racks of chips and cash out. Bad beat.

I got down $150 early...but worked my way back up to $680 before cashing out and driving home...so I would be home for my first Father's Day! It was a great one too. Squirrel gave me the sweetest card ever...and even custom made one from Carley. We all went to dinner that night and Carley behaved pretty well. That night...while playing with her on the bed...she had her first LOL. Yup...she laughed out loud...for both of us...not once but twice. It was just 'one of those moments' that had I been in Vegas right now, I would have missed. I love this kid so much...she is so beautiful, and amazing. And it has really made the bond between Squirrel and I that much stronger. These 12 days in Vegas coming up are going to be tough...being away from them...but for what's at stake...and what it could mean to our little family? It's very exciting.


This seems like a good place to end this marathon blog that has literally taken me 4 hours to write!!! Hope some of you made it this far!!!

MONKEY


4 comments:

scottyclark said...

We could just do a 2 hour Monkey Rant every Sunday! It would simplify my life in so many ways...

Brian Brashaw said...

Monkey,

As I eluded to in the FB message, For you and your fans (or haters) enjoyment. I pimp you pretty good as a true storyteller of those on The Grind, which I think is a great name for your radio rant.

Clip:
"And screw ESPN for editing the WSOP experience over the last few years. Guys like Will "Poker Monkey" Souther tell the story. ESPN will tell you that the winner of the main event played 14 hours a day for seven days to win millions. Monkey will tell you about playing 14 hours a day for months on end just to make a living."

Its not specifically a poker blog, and I do a lot of college football stuff in season. I hope it generates some traffic for you.

http://live-wire-media.blogspot.com/

Break a leg in Vegas and congrats on the new journey through fatherhood!

fook u said...

How about calling it Monkey Truths

Anonymous said...

Although you were a Fucktard in the fuck around $1-$3 cash game the other night, I know you're really a decent fucking Lad.(You know who I was from that, right?)
Good luck the rest of the way, glad you made a huge come back from the depths of hell on Day 3. I was most entertained by your gift of gab in your blog. Fuck the haters and go deep.
-Uncle Pauly