SQUIRREL'S DAY

SUNDAY...SQUIRREL'S DAY....as she turns..mmmmm 30 somethin'ish!

First let me say this. Black Labs are ridiculous. I've always had one. And I LOVE THEM. But they are ridiculous. Babies. My dogs name is Jasper. We have two. One is ten, part Doberman..and...well, we aren't sure, maybe deer. Has diabetes and every other ailment. Spend about $400 a month to keep her alive. But Jasper...sheesh. He has this little habit. When I go out of town for long periods of time....he likes to destroy the yard.

We have this nice little screened in back porch which is great for the dogs. Well, he decides that when he is going to dig holes and destroy the yard...that he will do it right in front of the door to that porch. So...mix in the occasional rain storm and what you have is a mud pit. Which renders the nice little indoor/outdoor carpet I put on that tile porch, POINTLESS and WORTHLESS! I decide to take the Sunday $350 tourney off and dedicate it to cutting the grass and FIXING JASPERS HOLE! So...three hours later....I have it all finished...only I discover I am about 4 pieces short of perfect. Which gives him the opportunity to still mess it up.

In the process of doing this I think I shocked my body, which the next day felt like I had gone 12 rounds with the old Mike Tyson. I would have gone today and gotten those 4 pieces of sod....but Home Depot only gets their sod on Thursday...at noon. If there was any left today...it was surely crap, after sitting in the hot sun for five days. So Thursday I will finish the deal! While I am doing this, Squirrel is cleaning....CLEANING? Hell...when we are about to entertain guests, which we are going to be after the concert...she goes WAY overboard. And she did again. Not that a clean house is bad...its just funny I guess.

I go to print off all the Def Leppert tickets...which we bought for everyone....19 of them....and what happens? NOTHING! First while I was in Vegas my Monitor went tits up. Something about some part in there going bad. Nice! That was only $700. Well, now my printer is all screwed up. Its about 4 years old. ANd it wouldn't do ANYTHING! Of course it was the first time I had tried to use it since I've been home. So we call and have someone in our party print them all. She doesn't have ADOBE ACROBAT. (to utilize the Ticketmaster PRINT TICKETS NOW option) So we call someone else. They are out of ink! We finally find someone with a functioning printer!

We had made reservations at Bonefish Grill 3 days prior to this night...a SUNDAY. We are on our way over there when they CALL US....its 6:10....asking us if we are close...as we have a 6:00 reservation. Yeah we are five minutes away. "Are you sure?" HUH! Yeah we are (*@#*(&#@ sure! WTF...we will be there in five minutes! Which we are. We walk in and the place is swamped! Cheryl had cancelled MY reservation...for 12 in the dining room...and made one for 12 in the BAR...because we had some smokers in our party! NICE! I HATE SMOKE! Why isnt it illegal to smoke in restaraunts here like it is almost everywhere ELSE now?

Well, we find our table has been pulled apart...and try to squeeze 10...which later swells to 16....into this table. We arrived at 6:15. We see a waiter for the first time at 6:40. We have our orders READY..and tell her we are going to the concert at 7:30. Or HOPE TO! We order Apps, salads, and entrees. Oh and drinks. First thing to arrive in 15 minutes? Our salads! Great. NExt.....water. Lovely. NEXT? Drinks. Thank god!.....oh...here come our appetizers finally. Not all of them though...just half the table's. Good touch. No refill on water? How bout just bringing us a full pitcher? "We arent allowed to do that" Oh no sweat...I will just sit here and suck water our of my ice! (@#**(#@$ When my entree arrives, Cheryl is STILL waiting for HER appetizer!

I am getting more and more PISSED by the minute...and she is trying to calm me down. Whatever. I gave her the diamond earrings....making a good impression on her and her friends....which as a guy (as we know) is always important! I also gave her the gayest birthday card I have ever bought in my life. While shopping at Wal Mart late the other night after my drunken cash game session...I couldn't find a card to save my life...so I opted for the most RIDICULOUS card I could find...that would be the one with Hannah Montana on it...featuring CD stickers on the inside. AWESOME!

I am pretty good friends with the Regional Manager for Bonefish Grill and as we were eating I fired her off a little text message...kind of a SPY report...on the experience we were having. She texted me back as we were leaving. Probably would have scored a nice discount if we had still been there. But that wasn't even really WHY I texted her...it was to tell her how UNBELIEVABLY unprepared and disorganized things were in there. I was really disappointed.

When I lived in Pensacola and a liquor rep...it was one of my accounts. I had eaten there several times and always had a great experience there. Not SO MUCH on this occasion! Well whatever, we have a better destination!

We proceed to the Coliseum for the Def Leppert concert. Opening for them was Joan Jett. As we are walking in we hear her singing her LAST song...which was amazing! And really made me furious about our dining experience, because now I am pissed that I didn't get to see the rest of her act. So we catch 40 seconds of Joan Jett.....and find our seat for the headliners. The arena wasn't anywhere close to full, which was kind of too bad, because Def Leppert...as old as they are getting...were GREAT.

Dude's voice has lost a little, but singing THOSE songs...whose wouldn't lose a little something over the years. They were very entertaining...and the guitarists...who always like to take off their shirts....had a pretty damn good body for being that age. Made me ALMOST (emphasis on almost) want to go work out today! I spend the first hour trying to explain to Cheryl that NOTHING IS WRONG with me...when I choose to sit alone in a spot where there is a no one in front of me but a rail to look over.....a place to put my legs over the side....comfort basically, while being able to see the stage and the band.

That and I was ...mmm...pretty baked...and just wanted to sit, chill, and enjoy the show! I hate it when people insist that you be standing and dancing to PROVE that you are having fun. I AM FINE! LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEE!!!!!!

A few observations I made while attending last night's concert:
(a) Years and years in concert time has passed...and STILL...it is STILL ridiculous to ignite your ligher and hold it up in the air!
(b) Using your cell phone is even MORE ridiculous!
(c) Not sure WHEN it WAS cool...but holding your hand up (and blocking my view for about 75% of the show asshole!) with pinky and index finger extended is STILL gay! I hope and suspect it always will be!
(d) Just curious...is there ANYONE cool out there who doenst feel like a mere lemming when prodded by the band to "throw your hands in the air" (and rap shows, wave them like ya just don't Kay-yare) I just refuse to comply with this request/demand.

Some of my observations about the concert scene. And when you are leaving the concert it is NOT a requirement for people lacking the ability to sing to decide to suddenly start serenading the departing crowd with their bad renditions of the songs we just heard.

We move back to the Casa de Monkey et Squirrel...where we welcome about 24 friends over to partake in booze, food and games. Jasper got all the attention he so desperately craves! People go outside...get mud on their feet and track it all over the carpet. Someone brought Wii.....we play/sing American Idol...and I have to say, Squirrel did a really, really good job with her song...doing the dancing and almost nailing all the words. Simon, in his judgement even called her "okay." Which, we all know what a compliment THAT IS!

Gabe...wow, how did I miss this! GABE COSTNER put on a display unlike any I have ever seen from him...and spent the whole summer together! I don't know what it was...the weed, or the booze...but he was acting ...I don't even know what the word is....it made all the rest of us laugh. Claudia was about to kill him. At the restaurant...he kept dipping his steak knife into the sauce of Claudia's trout (which by the way we BOTH had and WAS delicious) and trying to put it in her face. I kept thinking someone was about to take a knife to the eyeball. Well...arriving at the restaurant later than us...but not with our group...was CUB...with a mystery dinner guest (your welcome Cub, and his mystery date)...he talked to us for awhile...then Gabe disappears for like 15 minutes. He was over at Cub's table...drinking his dates drink...and putting his finger in her sauce!!!!!!

You go Gabe...ya psycho!!!! Well, he passed out on the couch...and in a house of 24 people...and only two couches....ya kind of need the space....so he is stretched out...sleeping! HAHAHA. I move his ass to the guest room and tuck him in!!!!!!! Everyone cleared out around 5am....and we finally got to sleep...which we did...til 2pm!!!!!! I am ready to play some poker....lets go online now and see if we can get crushed!!!!!!!! I see Squirrel already has a game fired up over there on her side of the bed!

MONKEY...OUT!

Monkey Monday

BACK TO THE FINAL TABLE!

Woo Hoo! After getting back to the Final Table and taking 2nd (agaaaaain) last week, I felt like my Beau Rivage SCHNEID had finally been zapped. But then Thursday and Friday started putting that feeling back in me. Thursday, If you all read Reid's blog, which falls right under mine...you will see how I went out of Thursdays tourney. Sitting on a medium stack all tourney long...then getting a few chips...I had folded a couple hands to Reid when he had shoved all in shortstacked...KQ suited one time and 88 the other....so in a spot where I felt like he could stand giving up a blind...and me needing to pick up a pot to maintain my "medium-ness" I raise from cutoff with 44.

He rubs his temples when it folds to him. Oh great. "Come on Reid, I gave you two courtesy laydowns, man!" "I don't know Monkey...I don't think I can lay this down...lets just see what happens" and he shoves all in. @$*&. Well, I cant fold, I am already half in there. He turns over AJ. The board comes Q-Q-2.....okay....so far so good. Turn a 6.....and as the river pairs the 6...he gets up and starts pushing me his chips....and I am just shaking my head...knowing what he missed...that I just got counter-fuck-FEITED......and now I was down to almost nothing...which I lost very shortly with A8 vs. I dont know....four guys calling and checking me out. EXIT, 14th.
Then the next day....Friday...pretty good field, about 75 players....get some chips early and stay healthy most of the day. We get down to 2 tables.

I go COMPLETELY CARD DEAD. Candace the dealer had to take the brunt of my frustration...since she was the one putting me on ice. 3-8, 2-9, 4-8....the hits just kept on coming. Then when I would see something like J-9 suited in a position to maybe steal a pot...someone would be raising or moving in behind me. @*(@#$*(. I end up...with 12 left and two BB's left, putting on my blindfold, lighting a cigarette, and shoving my chips in with Q9....only to run into KQ...and after five bullets from the firing squad, was put out of my misery. On the way out of the casino...I almost get run over by a lady weighing...mmmm, lets call it 350 in one of those damn scooter/hoverround/rascal....whatever you call them. I could go off on a rant on THOSE THINGS! I am not saying they should be OUTLAWED from casinos (okay, yes, I think they SHOULD be outlawed) because there are all the political ramifications, discrimination blah blah blah....whatever...if you CANT WALK because you EAT TOO MUCH....instead of going to the CASINO>>>>go to the gym!

At the very least...there should be a SPEED LIMIT on the freaking things. I have nearly been mowed down NO SHIT...FOUR times in the last two years. That is too many. And up in Tunica in January....a guy I call "The Couch" missed running over my flip-flopped feet by ONE INCH! ONE INCH! I cant even imagine the pain of having 535 pounds (AND THE SCOOTER) rolling over my foot. I wake up in the middle of the night with cold chills just thinking about it! It gets better. After playing for 5.5 hours...and not cashing...you really just want to go home...do something (whatever that is for YOU) in private...and go to sleep. And anything that slows that down is just about enough to piss you off. I go to the valet, hand them my ticket....and WAIT. Then WAIT some more. Oh...then I do some more WAITING. W T F!!!!!!!!!

And as fate would have it, I have forgotten my new book, an exciting action thriller from James Lee Burke called 'Tin Roof Blowdown' which is a fictional novel based around the chaos and aftermath of Hurricane Katrina....so its just me and that marble bench..which is soaking wet because it has been raining all day. After 31 minutes my 4 runner arrives, FINALLY! A kid no older than 21 hops out...asking me if I need directions. Ugh. Now, just for the record....I think I am a pretty good tipper. Not the BEST...but far from the worst. I typically give these car jockeys $1 or $2 on my way in....and $3 or $5 on my way out...which I think is pretty decent. All in the name of my own laziness. Because for me to walk the 1/4 mile journey from the garage to the poker room would be a LOT faster, and cheaper. I wonder how much I spent last year on valet parking? It would be fun to know.

Anyway...PeeWee there hops out of my car, and I simply reply to his question with "just curious, did you guys LOSE my car? I have never waited this long in three years. And no, I don't need directions, I live here and am here 4 or 5 times a week" "No we didn't lose it, I just had to run over to such and such a place to get it!" I asked if it was moved across the street because I know EXACTLY where they park them. Anyway...he was a little smart-ass...and as I went into my console to find the little shit $3 he snidely remarks "have a NICE day!" and slams my car door shut. Hmmm...I start to pull away, then...as I lock eyes with this guy and his wife standing there waiting on THEIR car....we both have that "did that little fucker just do that"...and I ask him, "Ya think I should take that up with his Supervisor?" and the guy says, "I would!" So I do. The Supervisor was very professional. The kid, as it turns out...was very new. I got my satisfaction. Little bastard.

Oh before the day started I left home at 10am to Squirrels "where are you going! Why cant I go!???" Because dammit, I am going to buy your VERY expensive diamond earrings for your birthday! Which I did...so I also had that bad beat...thinking I was maybe about to pay those damn things off, instead of going out 12th for NO MONEY AT ALL! Awesome!

So I go home...and do what I have been putting off for 3 weeks. I update the BALANCE SHEET that goes to my backer. OH SHIT! It took me til 5am to finish...and when I did, I felt awful. I left Biloxi with "X" amount of dollars. She covered my house and gave me a daily stipend for 'daily stuff' which was SO COOL. Well, I played a LOT of SNGS and a LOT of tourneys while I was in Vegas. I did a lot of winning. I did a lot of bubbling. And there was a fair share of 'NOT EVEN CLOSES' and at the end of the day...I personally didn't lose much at all while I was there...but I crippled our bankroll. I think my backer is getting a shitty deal. That was the conclusion I arrived at. There is no way the whole bankroll should have been drained. Then I figured it out. We have a 50/50 deal.

She pays the buy in...and I get 50% of whatever I win. With no makeup. So when I make the money in a tourney....if, say on a $550 buy in...I JUST make the money..and win, say $750....I get $375.....well that means she gets $375...she LOST $175! If I play a SNG and its a $130 buy in and I WIN...or CHOP it...because most of them were 2-winners...I won $500. 50% of that is $250. So she only wins $120. Which means, in essence...that I have to win 3 out of 4 SNGs for her to make any substantial money on those. When I go 1 for 5...she is getting creamed. I was telling another player this the other night...and their take was "hey, if that is the deal she made with you....then that's HER problem! Why would you say ANYthing about it!???" Why? Because it just ISNT RIGHT! That's why, and you don't kill the golden goose. I am lucky to have this situation in the first place. So why put it in peril? I won't. So what I have proposed to her is that from now on....when dealing with tourneys and SNGs....She gets back HALF of the buy in...whatever it is....so if I buy into a $300 tourney...and I win $900....she gets $150, plus $450....which means...yeah, I only win $300...buy hey...it cost me NOTHING. If I play in a $1000 tourney.....and I finish 3rd...for $28,500 she gets $14,500 and I get $14,000. Not much to bitch about there, is there? If we had been doing that the whole time in Vegas...I would have come back with a much better balance than what was left in there.

Well, I emailed her once I finished it. She had just returned from France. I really didn't intend to ruin her return. But in the same fashion she has handled everything else in the last year...she didn't even echo ONE hint of disappointment. WOW! I couldn't believe it. And I felt so much better. So what does she say? Go win that tournament today! Awesome.....which is almost what I did!

The Saturday tourney at the Beau was one of the two big ones they run...the first weekend of the month...$30K guarantee with a buy in of $350. I had called ahead and requested a seat from Eric. He complied. But when I got there it had gotten mixed up somehow, and I was forced to wait. No biggie, really. I get moved to a pretty rough table. A lot of cash game players...always scary. I decide to play REALLY tight....NOT do hardly ANY raising.

Limp with a lot of middle pairs and maybe call if I am getting the right price. We had this guy (lets call him a clown) at the table who apparently clings to 3/7 as his favorite hand. One one hand he raises UTG with it. Player in middle position SMOOTH CALLS with KK (very dangerous play)....flop comes 3-7-J. Think you know how THAT one went down. Well then.....this one is fun....I am in the BB with AJh. UTG limps for $100....another calls....and CLOWNBOY makes it SIX HUNDRED to go! Folds around to me...I of course fold AJ...like ANY good player. The first guy CALLS! THE FLOP comes 3 clubs. The first guy...GOES ALL IN! CLOWNBOY calls and turns over 3/7 clubs! HAHHAHA. The first guy has A9 spades. NO pair, NO draw, NO spade. NO chance. NO seat. "Seat open!" And now CLOWNBOY has a ton of chips. Monkey picks up 66. One player limps, then another...then me...then another, still another....and one more. 7 in the hand. FLOP.....2-6-8 rainbow.

I tell Omar next to me before the flop..."how bout a little 6 and a rainbow flop!???" BINGO. First limper bets out $300. I call. The next guy min raises to $600. Reaaaaaaaallllly!??? TWO CALLERS! What!??? Well, if I am losing to a set of 8's so be it. I RE-RAISE to $2200. He INSTA-SHOVES....the other two fold....oh boy. NOPE...he has 222. Cool, and bricks the next two and I have my first big pot of the day. I pick up some big hands....JJ UTG...raise, no call....KK behind a raiser (a cash game player too, scary) who folds (his 5-7 s) then get AA and again, same guy raising, I raise again...he folds, I show. This guy would have folded just about anything to my re-raises I think...but it just so happened that every time I re-raised him I HAD the goods. But it might have come into play had he gotten deeper.

His name was Cyrus, and he turned out to be a really nice (and pretty funny) guy...and he actually got deeper than I expected him too, I think he went out about 23rd. Right before the first break, I had a chance to run my stack up to 20K (starting stack 6K) when I had AA UTG....raising, the shortstack who had just lost a big hand and was steaming (another guy who would turn out to be really cool, and very entertaining....don't mind losing this hand to him based on that, but I would end up whacking him later...and he had enough class to come sweat me at the final table) he calls...and I just GO ALL IN in the dark preflop....and he just frustratingly calls...and turns over KQ as the flop is coming out J-9-4...oh no, do NOT put a ten out there. She doesn't. She puts a 10 and ANOTHER 10!

Why not. $6,000 chips go the other way, and I go to break with 13K instead of 20K. I get them all back after the break...hitting a nut flush against CLOWNBOY. Then win a couple more big pots....and when they break that table, I have a healthy stack of 23K. CLOWNBOY leaves our table with about $3200 and the world is right again!

I get to my new table...and it is SOFT as SHIT. I am never in trouble at that table. Joining us a short time later is Reid...nursing a sick stack. He isnt able to make anything good happen. I'm just glad that we avoid EACH other on this day! I have chips almost all the way until we are at the final table. I take a pretty bad hit when we are at the final table. (I have this fly buzzing around my head annoying me right now...I just miraculously caught him with my bare hand...and wasn't sure if I really caught him or not...and when I opened my hand he got away! DAMMIT! and now, of course I cant catch him again...and he continues to annoy!) Gary...uh....oh what is Gary's last name....he made two final tables with me here at the March event, and then another one at the IP...good player, and a really nice guy.....he raises, about half his damn stack. I look down at AK in the SB...and I just move in.

The guy in the BB (eventual winner, and dinner bud next door at PRIME...shhhhh don't tell Squirrel, she will be pissed after telling me not to go to a nice dinner without her) who has me covered...labors....uh oh.....but finally folds. Gary calls....and rolls over AA. Ah hell! So now I am pretty short after just that hand. Dammit. I hang out and play tight and let 3 or 4 players lose....now we get down to 5 and I am waiting on a hand. This kid Ryan, whose last name I don't know either....has had a huge stack since we were at two tables. He spent the whole time we were at 18>>>>10 players pretty much opening EVERY pot. Raised my blinds almost EVERY damn time. I was getting very irritated! One hand had JJ. Instead of re raising though, or moving in...which HAD I he would have called he said, with AK...flop came Q high.....he bets $15,000...I just had too much to lose by getting into that mess, and folded.

I still had $80,000...with the blinds $1500-$3000 and just making the money was good for $1450...so it made sense to NOT get stupid. But Ryan personally cost me about HALF of my stack. Then at the final table, with him in the BB I pick up QQ twice. Well, you all know my nightmare recent history with QQ...and with him sitting on about 200K...the last thing I want to do is let him RERAISE me and put me on the spot. SCREW IT...I just moved in with it both times....and if he has AA, KK or AK....so be it....5th place money was decent. Well, another big stack mixed it up with a fellow bigstack...and just like that we were down to 4. COOL. $3500 for 4th...not a bad day for the Monkey.

Being's as it was another Final Table...we of course had to summons Wendy the fabulous cocktail waitress for a tray full of Red Snappers...courtesy of Senor Monkey. I got the tip on that deal...as we had 4 or 5 rounds. Blaine....the kid who would eventually knock me out....joined the crew. Thank Goodness too, because I was about to kill him. The Red Snapper Brotherhood was the only thing keeping him from me chucking my VERY DENSE MONKEY at his head. Woooof that would hurt!

When we had 14 left...and he was shortstacked....MAJORLY...RYAN raised my blinds for the umpteenth time....and Blaine goes all in for just a little more. In the BB I had A6H. I figured Ryan was smart enough to check this thing down to lose a player. But then the flop comes 2/4/6 rainbow...and I'm thinking...you know....I really probably should bet this. Maybe not...but I think I should. I bet out pretty big and Ryan folds what he claims was AK (skepticism from me on that one) and Blaine turns over my NEMESIS....K10. UGH! TURN card...a freaking 10. He doubles. I would double him two other times.

Back on that Red Snapper deal...I have yet to find ANYONE who can assist me in coming up with those hats. Black hat. Crazy-looking Monkey with shot glass in one hand filled with Red liquid, two cards in the other (K9 of course) with "M.R.S.P." below the MOnkey...then on the side....."Monkey's Red Snapper Posse"....I need 100 of these hats. I really wanted to have them by the August event here...its going to be tough now!

I sit and watch Blaine call off LARGE all ins from other players with A9, A8 and A10...he wins two of three of them. Then I am getting pretty low with four of us left...and the pots are huge. I am UTG with KJ suited...and Ryan again in the BB. Only one way to play this sucker. FIRE THE ROCKETS!!!!!! Blaine calls...agaaaaaaiiiinnn....with A10 offsuit...for $80K! Blinds were 3k-6k...not just your run of the mill "the math made sense" call. He flops the ace.

Whatever. I'm out...but still...another Final Table...and a decent payday. And my backer gets a nice chunk of our bankroll restored. Rooster gets 10% of my action..as we had swapped 10% before the tourney. He went out about 23rd...another tough break for Rick. But...he would make the Final Table at the IP on Sundays 20K guarantee over there and got himself a nice little chunk of $$$ and some badly needed confidence back in his game.

So what do I do next? Go home? Spend time with my dogs? Read a book? No No NO...that would be silly! Lets instead, hang out....drink some more...and play some $1-$2 cash game!!!!??? Because I run SOOOOOO good at the Beau Rivage in cash game. YET ANOTHER huge mistake. No details here...lets just say I got rivered maybe 15 times. And lets say I missed about 25 draws. I lost about $400. If it weren't for a lot of very nice bluffs by me...I would have lost a LOT more! OH!

While I was sitting in there....what happens???? I hear that rumble...you know the sound....coming from a table in the upper level.....that "Oh My God, I think someone might have just hit the $76,000 Bad Beat JackPot" rumble. And as soon as I stick my head over the rail.....I see it! One player...JJ....the other player...99....the board? J-9-2-J-9!!!!!!!!! Quads over Quads! The way they do it, and they say this is the last time...that from now on, it gets paid only to the table where it happened...but in this case....the table got paid, and everyone in the ROOM who was in a hand when it went down! One guy to my left had gone to the bathroom! I told him I thought he was screwed. Didn't stop him from trying...and when our table was getting paid out...he went over and stood in line, only to be told he wasn't dealt in to the hand.

It was $242. Hey...not bad.....the amount of time that it took to get paid though......good GAWD...I'm talking it took like an hour and a half. Kudos to Cincere though for taking our table first (per my request) and getting us paid. I did of course, get on the microphone and lobby for everyone to leave the dealers a good tip when they get paid out. I hope that worked out. And I sure hope the two guys who won ($31,000) and ($15,000) did the right thing. But based on their appearance...I am guessing that didn't happen. Maybe I'm wrong...I hope I am! But once I got my money, I was ready to pretty much get the hell out of there!!

After the tourney...I kept my word (to myself)...and made my way to PRIME...to treat myself! I sat at the bar and was immediately scolded by the bartender...who incidentally I never saw again the whole time I was there...just dawned on me...weird....to REMOVE MY HAT! This is what pisses me off. Claudia, who would later join me there at the bar...comes in wearing a hat...and no one says a word to her. But I have to take MY hat off? Why? Whatever. I do.

Then meet this cute little couple at the bar...the guy's name was Mike Hunt and said he was a safety on LSU's 2003 National Championship team. We had to talk, of course about how bad I think they are going to suck this year.....then of course he finds out I am a Washington Huskies fan...and we have another fun conversation. Yeah yeah...I know...we REALLY suck. Ty Willingham....I hate you. You have hurt me so bad the last four years!!!! Anyway, Mike has this little hottie for a girlfriend...named Amelia...and we all have a blast...sharing food, wine and everything else.

The guy who won the tourney joined us for awhile too. I had a KOBE ribeye...which the chef SCREWED up the first time...I order it MR..very clearly...and it comes out...VERY M...almost MW...and the bartender catches it BEFORE I DO! We send it back...and he brings it back out and says "The Chef cut into the middle of it and JUST WANTS TO MAKE SURE you still think its overcooked!" HUH!??? Are you kidding me!??? Everyone at the bar agrees, as does the bartender? And I'm like...dude, "I understand its a $115 steak! and the food cost on that is huge....did you tell the Chef I was drunk and that I might be talked into taking it back? I'm not THAT drunk dude.

You are the one who insisted on taking it back! Does this mean he spits all over the new one?" He laughed and said no...and took it back. The next one was AMAZING! Worth every penny! During the night I had 12 of the best oysters I have ever had while on the GULF COAST. They were clearly from the North Atlantic...either Bluepointes or Malepaques (definitely NOT Appalachicolas)....unreal...and the dozen only cost $23...which had to be the best value on the menu. Shared some Steak Tartare, Tuna Tartare...Crab Cocktail....Fois Gras....had some of Claudia's Filet, and some of Amelias Seared Tuna Steak.

What an AWESOME meal!!!!! For wine I had the most expensive glass of Pinot Noir I have ever drank...at $23 a glass...it was called BINK. Had never heard of it...but it was amazing! And what I really like about Prime is that they keep all of their wine at cellar temperature...which is very important with GOOD red wines. Most restaurants serve their wine at room temperature, which is always TOO warm. Getting it at 45 degrees....is IDEAL! I cant wait to go back. Even though I was in my clothes that I was playing poker in, and could detect a little bit of snobbishness from some of the staff members looking down their noses at me...the bartender (the good one) could tell I knew what I was doing...and my 30% tip probably won me some credibility as well. Cant wait to go back there........... our next dining experience was NOT QUITE as memorable!

Second half of post to come:

First Royal Flush

41 and my FIRST ROYAL FLUSH ON VIDEO POKER!

...never thought I would see the day!
First of ll, on the heels of my Internet rant....I see where PokerStars did a software update yesterday, actually it was brought to my attention by a guy who I have been IM'ing with a lot. They have an ultra-cool FULL TILT'esque new hand history feature...where you have the choice of either seeing the detailed hand history, or viewing a table image shot of the last hand. Very cool, and long overdue. For those of us who operate in a "pictures-are-better-than-text" kind of world. Anyway...my theory is that to beat the cheaters, you simply play online RIGHT AFTER a software update has been implemented, which gives you about 6 to 10 hours to play SCANDAL-less poker on that site. I did that...and what happened? I won 3 out of 5 sit n gos. Yeah...I KNOWWWWWWW!!!! But then, when I would have liked to keep it going, Squirrel got off early from work and wanted to go eat Sushi. We took a pass on that new place EDO...which was VERY UNIMPRESSIVE. Hope that stupid, cheap-ass commercial I see running on local TV didn't put them out too much. We went back to SAKI, where we have been quite a few times. Its on whatever that road is called that is Exit 50...down the street from Jim "Smokey" 's Smokeshop. By the way...if anyone knows that Jim is OKAY...like, I mean...NOT DEAD...let me know. I didn't get ONE supportive text from him while in Vegas, nor have I seen him since I've been back...and that is kind of freaking me out. He is an awesome dude, always real supportive...and I know he was kind of in the doghouse with his wife for awhile. Just hoping she didn't up and go Lorrena Bobbit (or whatever that crazy bitch's name was!)...sorry...I tend to get sidetracked....Sushi was good. our waiter was a rookie though, and forgot pretty much everything we asked for. Good thing he had such a pleasant disposition. We decided to make a LEFT instead of a RIGHT (being, the way home) and went to play some little cash game at the Hard Rock. The night before....ugh...don't even really want to think about this but....I played the Tuesday night tourney at the Beau. Few things about that:

They have been running these 10K chip events there. Before Eric arrived they set them up. And they set them up using that same piece of shit blind structure that I was just reaming Ceasers Palace about out there...that no ante til 600/1200 crap. STUPID. Well, Eric actually ASKED me what I thought about that structure...and when I told him I thought it sucked ballz...he agreed me...and it looks like we will see it changed. WOO HOO! That excites me. Well, I got about half way through that tourney...had a nice little suckout for a bunch of chips....then had my AA cracked (again!) by 44.....then in BB with J3.....Flop comes J-3-5.....same guy who cracked my AA....limped on the button with J5! Yea! NICE! So lose a bunch there! Then manage to somehow get into it with a guy in Seat 4...who, cant remember how it happened now because I had started drinking by this point...but somehow I put a $100 bounty on the guy. And shortly after that the guy next to him had kind of gotten me pissed off. So we are down to 26 players. BOUNTY BOY goes all in. Now understand...for someone to collect the bounty, I have to STILL be in the GAME. Well, nemesis number 2..the FIVE SEAT....smooth calls! I look down at 66. And I am way, way shorter in chips than him...but I do have seat 4 (BOUNTY BOY) covered....so I think to myself...hmmmmmmm....I need to protect my investment here. And I do NOT want to have to hand $100 to that guy in Seat 5. So I go all in. He calls. He has KK. DOH! The first guy has AQ. Nothing all the way to the river to help...but the river is an A! HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. Sure, I am out. But I save my $100!!!!!!! I proceed to the $1/$2 cash game. I play for 6 hours. I HATE THE $6 time drop every half hour. IT SUCKS! And why is it that some do it, and some don't? That's $72 in time drop money. And I can guarantee that I tipped the dealers at LEAST $100 in those 6 hours. That is a pretty large gap to fill. Well, I did NOT fill it. Lets just say....I lost $1300. Not gonna go too much into detail. Lets just say, that I run SO BAD in cash game at the BEAU that its a wonder I EVER play there at all. Stuff like...lets flop a set...after RAISING big with the pair preflop...only to have JACKASS with 4-9 of hearts flop a flush...and call me down all the way to the river. Then I flop trip aces....turn a boat....have three-way all ins behind me and of course think I am good and call off, ohhhh $650.....the lady has a flush (obv.) and the first guy has...OH...a BETTER FULL HOUSE. HOWWWW NICEEEEE!!!!!! Seems like a damn good time to get up....get in my car....program the MELLOW MONKEY category on my iPod...turn it up really loud...and drive as slow as I can...back to my house. I left Squirrel at the table...she knew well enough to not come home for about a half hour. That was good.
So you can understand my ambivalence about going back into the cash game arena on this particular occasion! But oh.....go we did.

We get to the Hard Rock...and WHOA...there are THREE full tables running! That has to be a record! And....its WEDNESDAY! I like playing there because they have NO time drop. And for some reason I tend to run pretty damn good there. The cocktail service is extremely slow though...and most of the girls they have working there....well, lets just say, I like the choice of uniforms, given the girls wearing them CAN pull it off...and uh....well....yeah! The guys at the front desk there are always very nice and accommodating. There is one thing, that since Day 1 of that place being open that I would love to see changed. At the front, where you get your chips....they have these marble counters. On top of the marble countertops, they place the chip racks. The PLASTIC chipracks! Have you ever dragged plastic across a marble top? First of all, its very loud. Second, they tend to emit this shrieking sound. Its awful. And they are always falling over. Its very "Bob-decided-to-open-a-poker-room-in-his-basement" ish. I made a suggestion way back that they should get a container of some sort for them. Still wish they would. But hey...its not a perfect world is it? Well, on this night....we were forced to WAIT for a seat. WOW. Squirrel decides we should go put $20 in the video poker machine. I hate slots. HATE THEM. But every once in awhile I WILL sit down and play some Jacks or Better. Remember Rick (rooster) and his little SYSTEM of winning the Royal Flush, and how it kept backfiring on him out in Vegas? This is pretty funny. Two nights ago...when I was getting creamed in the cash game....he had been whacked from the tourney...not a bad beat this time...he ran his A7 (shortstacked) into something much better, like KK or QQ or something....and moved out to the video poker banks. Some cute little old lady sits two machines away from him. She has her daughter, and her granddaughter (24 and cute) sitting with her. On about her fifth pull she hits a ROYAL FLUSH! But she only had a .25 in play ...so she won 250 credits, whatever that is. Rick texts me his angry (predictable) text...so I come over to check it out...and immediately start flirting with the old lady. She is having a ball! I finally leave to go back to the cash game...which at the time I was crushing...and he texts me about 20 minutes later...playing the MAX...she HITS ANOTHER ONE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH. That's awesome. But I know Rick is probably about to throw himself out of a window now!

Back to us. We put in $20 each. Her money...only because I didn't happen to have a $20 on me. After about 20 minutes she hits AAAA...good for 250 credits. Then.....ten minutes later, I draw a board of 2s-10d-Kd-Ad-Qd......OH MY GOD.....ONE from the ROYAL FLUSH......no way! We both brace ourselves as we hold all four and press that last button. JACK OF DIAMONDS!!!!!!!!!! ROYAL FREAKING FLUSH!!!!!! And like a dumbass....I watch the 4000 credits add up...thinking we just won $4000!!!!!! Bad news #1...she reminds me that I only won HALF...cuz it was her $20. FUCK! But, yeah that's fair. Oh well, $2000 is still pretty kick ass. Covers LAST NIGHT!!!! Then she brings it to my attention that its only 4000 CREDITS...that its $1000. OH! SHIT!!!! So I won $500. Whatever. I'll take it! Our seat opens up. IN three hours of play...we paid ZERO in time drop...NICE! And I managed to go UP...then DOWN....THEN UP...THEN DOWN....then nothing for an hour......lost $100. I can live with that. We went home and watched bad TV......"what not to wear" what a stupid show!

Two nights ago my buddy Brandon Cantu had his final table from the BAY 101 SHOOTING STAR WPT televised on GSN. Don't know if any of you saw it. It was a good table, some good players. Him, Jen Harman, Steve Sung...he made some pretty hairy plays and got away with them...then gets gifted a couple of huge pots. Basically, if you play a lot of poker...it was one of those tourneys where he won because everything just kind of broke his way. I did notice one thing about him....when he gets a lot of chips...he pretty much opens EVERY pot with a raise. DIABOLICAL. Maybe I need to incorporate some of that into my game. But then again....he really blew up at the WSOP this year too, almost in the same fashion....holding a huge chip stack...in the BB...a guy, very tight...raises him pretty big....Brandon, holding 10-5 or something like that...RERAISES the guy all in. Well, the guy had AA....and Brandon was on his way to sliding out in 20th place when a final table appeared almost a lock. I was bummed for him. But I think he made that bed. Reputation will get you only so far. At some point you have to lock it down and play my big stack percentage poker game. I get chips, a lot of them...and in a BIG tourney (like one where first place is 9 million DOLLARS!!!!! ) I like to keep them! I am not making moves that can cost me more than half my stack! Especially against the tightest player at the table.

I am currently sitting at my couch...doing battle with a spider. This damn thing...he keeps landing on the arm of the couch. I try to smash him...and he lifts off and just floats around. WHAT!!!??? Then lands again. Try again to smash him...its like he is totally fucking with me. There are really high ceilings out here...I have no idea what he is attached to. I hate spiders. There is one out in my front yard that has made this HUGE web....I mean HUGE! And this sucker is gigantic...like we are talking the size of a small-handed persons palm of their hand....and he has about 50 bugs in that thing. I looked it up online...its called, very harmless sounding..."Southern Garden Spider"....whatever...looks like a freaking KING CRAB! I'm afraid to go to battle with it! I'm just hoping it gets a better offer from another yard somewhere and moves on his/her own.

Spent all afternoon yesterday getting my upcoming pools all set up and the announcements mailed out. I think this year is going to be HUGE...like, off the charts huge. In putting together my NCAA SURVIVOR pool, I discovered something. IN the last 3 years there is some person....who is employed by COMPASS BANK....that puts together this Excel sheet, that has the entire NCAA schedule...by conference, as well as a category, of WEEKLY TOP GAMES....using the helmet of each school. Its amazing. Its not sponsored by anyone...it just floats around out there. I only figured out where it comes from by scrounging into the details of the file and finding the author. Weird. If anyone wants it...email me and I will forward it to you...it kicks ass. ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com So the pools are off and running!

Finally got my taxes from my accountant. Yeah, its JULY! NICE. ALMOST AUGUST! I did them with the same company for 4 years. It was a lady who was doing them. Well...three months into wondering where the hell they were...I find out...OH SHE WAS FIRED LAST MONTH! Oh how nice...well WHO IS DOING MY DAMN TAXES!!!!???? Finally her boss finished them up. And I don't think he knows his ass from his elbow. I will NOT be going back to them next year. They are in Pensacola anyway. The return from two years ago has been cited by the IRS as having a mistake on it, and they are demanding $815 in penalties owed. NICE. Try getting THAT one worked out...with bozos as accountants in your corner. I hate the IRS. OH...the reason I brought this up...VERY IMPORTANT piece of information. FIRST of all, if you are a resident of LOUISIANA.....and play poker....and win a good amount....MOVE! NOW! Don't even hesitate. JUST LEAVE and DONT EVER LOOK BACK! When you cash in a big tourney there, they take STATE income tax. Quite a bit. I cashed 3rd last spring....for...like $20,000....and they took $1245. This year of course I had two 2nd place cashes...one for $16,000 and one for $60,000.....I got taxed somewhere in the neighborhood of $7500! Well, I discovered that if you do NOT live in Louisiana...you are entitled to FILE an OUT OF STATE return...a NON RESIDENT return.....and you get ALL OF THAT MONEY BACK!!!!!! DAMN RIGHT! I have got that whole $1245 coming back from those people. And next year....NICE...I cant WAIT to do my taxes!!!!!!! Just wish that money was earning interest.

I just did something today that I don't whether to be proud of or ashamed of. I caved in and joined FACEBOOK. A couple years ago I was pressured into putting something up on MYSPACE. I hear all these goofballs talking about their MYSPACE this and that...and think its utterly retarded. I almost never use it. Its just THERE. But I did the facebook deal. Its pretty cool cuz it instantly brought up all the people on my BUDDY LIST from AOL that are on FACEBOOK and gave me the option to add them. Well, beings as how most of my buddy list on AOL is pool and/or poker related...there was a LOT of them. And I will say...its pretty neat to see, and read up on some of the people who have been playing in my pools for years. So I am giving it an A+. Glad I did it. Sure I will still not use it much...but at least people know I out there and alive.

There was something I was going to end with...what was it? Oh yeah...got deep into Nat Arems blog last night because I was trying to educate myself to this whole mess with, AHEM....CEREUS (the new ridiculous name of the merging entities ABSOLUTE and ULTIMATE BET) and Russ Hamilton. Wow, messy, messy situation all around. I'm not going to get into it much. I am anxious to see what happens when 60 minutes runs their story on the whole deal...just to see who gets flogged. But in reading his blog I came across another blog. Let me say this...I have NEVER BEEN ONE to read blogs. I don't even like the word BLOG. WHY BLOG? Where did that come from anyway? At any rate...if any of you know SHANIAC....his name is .....oh....first name I forgot...Schleger......and he's a very good player...but he has a blog that is hilarious. He reminds me.....in his writing....a lot of how I am almost always thinking. I think at the heart of every good poker player lives an insane genius. I hope that doesn't sound, in any way...self-serving. Its almost intended to sound self deprecating. Well, if you are looking for some funny funny shit to read...check his blog. Good luck finding it. That's all for me today...I have this enormous hole that my black lab dug in the back yard...as punishment I guess for leaving him home while I was in Vegas for 7 weeks...I must go free a pallet of St Augustine from the clutches of Evil that is Home Depot and allow it to live and flourish in my backyard. (at least until I leave on another long poker trip and Jasper decides to tear it up AGAIN) This should be a ball. Maybe I will make it to the Beau in time for the 6pm tourney...where I will try to defend my THURSDAY NIGHT FINAL TABLE crown. My backer also returned today...so I REALLY have to get my spreadsheet updated! Have a nice day boys and girls.

MONKEY

PS: Squirrel is now MAD AT ME for the amount of time I am spending on this thing. I think I have now, officially, got a better relationship with YOU GUYS than I do with her. Maybe she will like me again after Sunday, her birthday ;)

INTERNET POKER

INTERNET POKER

KILL ME! Just kill me! AA 12 times in two days. Win with them twice. 10-10 9 times in two days. Win with them ONCE. QQ 11 times in 2 days...win three times. This seems to be the standard for my online poker life. Make a $300 deposit. Run my $300 up to $1000 by playing my usual game. Start feeling good about online poker. Start thinking...Hmmmm...maybe its NOT rigged. But then wait a second....lets watch our balance go from $1000 to $200 in three days while playing nothing but tourneys from $2 to $50 and SNG's from $6 to $20. And not because I am playing bad.

To sit and cite hands would be tiresome and tedious. But it gets pretty bad when you are deep in a tourney...have about 4 people sweating you on the rail, which is kind of fun...and nice now that I have MY CHAT BACK!!!! Talk about a test of my ability not to go APESHIT....the beats, suckouts and ridiculous shit that I saw on there this past weekend...to NOT say something to get my CHAT BANNED again...wow....I'm amazing! ANyway...back to DEEP IN A TOURNEY.

This guy...who has made 5 horrendous calls....and sucked out every time....wont respond to any chat. I am starting to think this guy is a bot. In the money in a $33 MTT...but not good money yet...I've just lost a huge pot with AK vs. AQ (of course) and now have 18K with the average being 45K. Blinds 800/1600. BOT BOY limps in for 1600. Another guy calls. So with around 5000 in the pot...and me being in the BB with AA....I put in the chat bar "well, schmecki77, I know your range of hands so I am just going to go ahead and SHOVE ALL IN with THE BEST hand!"

HE thinks for a second and calls...with 7-8 offsuit. The flop comes 6-9-10 of course...and I am out. Of course it does. This starts a firestorm from the railbirds. Emails to customer support get answered with the standard "we strive to provide the utmost level of security for our players" blahblahblah standard BS response that I have been getting from Stars for years!

How bout this play? IN the BB in another tourney late...I have KK. Guy min riases on the button. SB calls. WITH KK I raise FOUR TIMES THE MIN RAISE. ANd the guy SMOOTH CALLS with 10 freaking 6 offsuit. He flops two tens with a 5. I of course bet into him...he puts me all in and I am pot committed and cant fold. He turns a 6. YEAH, uh huh...that play always HAPPENS and PLAYS OUT like that in the live play! I sat out the Sat and Sun Beau Rivage tourneys so I could play the big tourneys online.

Had a ticket into the 100K freeroll on Stars...that ended 25 from the money with a bad beat. It was a horrendous weekend. The thing about online poker....that I have noticed...for three years now, is that the level of play on the weekends is SO BRUTAL...you almost cant believe your eyes when you see some of the plays that transpire. Its almost like someone hands $1000 to a total stranger...and makes sure they don't know how to play poker...and just for their own personal amusement...sit and get drunk and stoned and watch them play poker against other players who are good, or at least THINK they are.

I can see how that would maybe be entertaining. By the time I get to Sunday night I am left feeling like...."wow, I must really just SUCK at poker. Maybe I should think about going out and getting a real job, because clearly I can't make a living like THIS!" It really leaves you wanting to either kill someone or yourself. I haven't had a big score on Pokerstars in over a year. Just a small score here and there...enough to make you think you have an excuse to keep playing online. I don't get it.

THere are some players...like SHAUNDEEB for example, that just ALWAYS win online. I know these ...personally. I've played against them online AND live...and there game is in no way ahead of mine...and yet....they dominate online. HOW? It doesn't make any sense!

Last fall, while playing in the Ceaser's Classic...I don't know if I already wrote about this or not....but going into dinner break...and ranting all day about the online play lately, about how if feels like players can see my damn cards with some of the bizaare calls I have been seeing, another player invites me to his room at the Bellagio to check out some pretty amazing software. I accept, because I'm curious...not because I am a potential customer.

I would never CHEAT at poker. I walk into his room and see what puts me in spin mode..and basically caused me to NEVER buy into a tourney over $100 on ANY SITE ever again. Right in front of my face is a computer...with Pokerstars up...and you can SEE EVERY PLAYERS hole cards! WTF!??? Just like now, when after you fold...and you hold the cursor over your cards and your folded hand shows up in shaded gray? That's what everyone elses cards looked like! I couldn't believe it.

He was using a 3-day shareware version given to him by a guy who was trying to sell copies for 100K per. Well, that would be pretty risky for a lot of reasons. Mainly because they write updates to their software (pokerstars) about every 4 days. But if you are the guy who knows how to WRITE the software to hack....why even bother selling copies, putting yourself in that spot? Why not just sit there and crush everyone? So that just makes me think that THOSE GUYS are OUT THERE...crush crushing all of us!

Of course I sent an email to Pokerstars TELLING THEM what I just saw with my own two eyes! Their response? NONE! NO response! Well, then all this shit goes down with Absolute and Ultimate Bet. Big shock! Russ Hamilton is the biggest scumbag on the Poker Planet. I hope he goes to Jail. Or gets whacked by mobsters. I think of all the decent players out there whose confidence, as well as bankroll, has been crushed by these scumbags and jerkoffs just like him/them!

ITS UNBELIEVABLE! Poker is a SKILL game...and they have taken and completely SCREWED the game with these actions! I hate it. And yet I still go on and play? Why? I guess because when I see a place where I can buy in for $10 to win $3000 to $20,000.....how do you NOT feel inclined to take a shot at that huge payday? Even when you know, for almost 98% certainty that you are going to get ass-raped!??? Does that make me/us addicts to online poker? Maybe? I don't know. I just wish somehow they could FIX the problem. Until that happens, the only place I will buy in for more than $100 is in live action.

My back is still in Paris, and I still haven't updated my spreadsheet from Vegas. At least we got a nice little $1000 pop on there from the Beau Tourney. maybe we will get some more this week...I am playing tonight (Tuesday) and probably the rest of the week. I guess I am a little scared to sit down and update it....plus its going to take about two hours! I guess I just need to sit down and knock it out! Its not fair to her to NOT KNOW where we stand on our bankroll. Its just real easy to put things off when you don't want to know the answer!!!!

Its almost that time of year again...when the POOL MONKEY kicks it into high gear. I started my Monkey-ness as the Pool Monkey. For ten years + I have been hosting sports pools. I have a mailing list of over 1500 people who participate annually. I seldom win. And I don't take enough from doing them to deem it a 'profitable venture' but I promised all my 'poolers' that no matter how much I win in poker I will continue with my duties as the "POOL MONKEY," so here comes football season....and I have a $50 NCAA SURVIVOR POOL....a $25 NFL SURVIVOR POOL (with one rebuy up to week 6) a $100 NFL SURVIVOR POOL (same rebuy deal) and then I do a $100 FANTASY LEAGUE...where we usually have two different leagues due to demand. Last years Survivor winners won, $1500 (NCAA) $8,500 (NFL $25) and $12,000 (NFL $100) Its a lot of fun. Keeps me away from sports gambling...which is nice...especially when you are trying to play poker for a living and preserve an always tenuous bankroll. Any of you that are interested in joining my mailing list for my pools shoot me an email at THIS email address.... THEPOOLMONKEY@aol.com. I will add you to the list. Should be an awesome football season. Poker is always a lot more fun when there is a football game to look up at!

This has been a crazy long entry...and I think I have pretty much covered everything that has happened lately, and that is driving me nuts, or making me happy! I'm gonna go try to take down another Beau Rivage final table tonight. Hope to see some of you there!!!!!

MONKEY SEACREST.....OUT!

The King of 2nd Place Strikes Again!!!!!

....and Why I think the Internet is a RACKET (will be up tomorrow)!

Not sure which story line is more compelling! Well, obviously the one about Internet Poker! Since almost everyone can probably identify with it. It has been a very interesting/frustrating week!

Last Thursday I officially ended the longest, driest spell of my poker career at the Beau Rivage. Not counting my sickass run in March....and I don't/cant really count that because it was a sanctioned event and took place upstairs in the convention room, NOT in the poker room...I had failed to Final Table a Beau Rivage nightly/daily tournament since last freaking FALL! Well, that run ended finally as I made the final table. It was a serious grind getting there, as I was short stacked from the time I sat down late. I forgot that making moves against players who call out of position raises with hands like A3, K5, Q7....is never a very good idea! Holy crap!

Here is how I got most of my chips. I started the night being FURIOUS with the dealer...who I guess likes me, as she always asks Squirrel how I am doing when I'm on the road. So I felt kind of bad biting her head off. Granted, I was right...nevertheless, I felt kind of bad. My steam/tilt moment starts like this...its a rebuy tourney...you get ONE rebuy for $40. We are coming up on the end of a blind level...and its going from 100/200 to 200/400...a BIG jump for a small stack. There has just been a big, 3-way all in hand which resulted in 2 players having to rebuy and a pot to be pushed. There is under 1 minute left in the level...with me being next to have the BB. I am anxiously trying to encourage the dealer to get the pot shipped, get the cards shuffled...and get going! Well, she decides to FIRST handle the financial dealings of the rebuys! ARGH!!!!!! I ask her...."please just push the button on the shuffle master!"

Which will constitute the new deal. She wont do it...and BOOM "Players and Dealers, on the next hand..blinds are going up!" (*@#&($$&@#(@ And here we go...here comes 2/4 offsuit for $400. I am now seething. I get lower and lower. Sitting in the 7 seat...I keep leaving my folded hands right over the betting line...making her have to reach way out to get them. Then...they are about to push (where the dealers switch) and here we are INSIDE OF A MINUTE before the blinds go up and we go on break!

This is one of my BIGGEST gripes about tournament poker. Its totally unnecessary and completely inconsiderate to the players when the dealers push when its inside of a minute. It drives me NUTS! If I could change one thing in poker...across the nation...it would be to have every dealer ORDERED NOT to push when its inside of a minute. I mean...COME ON! Is it really THAT BIG OF A DEAL!??? I know its not. My dealer buddies have told me its not. It doesn't upset the rotation if they are an extra minute late getting to their next table (sometimes a cash table) its just them being rude, and lazy and not giving a damn about the players.

Well, she is about to push with the clock showing :55 and I don't freak out...I just mutter "hey why not push with :55 left in the level...why not!?" and I think in her attempt to make up the earlier deal to me, she announces "okay let me deal this final hand for you guys!" Hmmm...okay, I accept her attempt. I ask the poker gods to give me ANYTHING that I can push with and either get doubled up or busted before the break! Well they comply by giving me 55. Guy who has been making some of the stupidest, and weirdest plays all game raises UTG...well that could mean ANYTHING...and I have stopped caring! Or trying to make reads on this table full of idiots. I don't remember the numbers...but I send a Money Gram to the middle of the table...and whoa now...get called by the BB!

Well, now UTG boy certainly HAS to come along for the ride. I flop a set of 5's. They both check. The turn is a spade..putting two on the board. Uh Oh. Kind of rooting for the board to pair now. They both check again. The river is the A of spades. Ah hell! Guy in the BB bets $2000 which is a 1/3rd of the pot. And UTG Donkey Boy says...."I am laying down a flush! I hope you got him!" Well he doesn't, he has AK...duh. Now, if you guys are thinking what I'm thinking...UTG boy is either a total liar (the option I'm going with here) or the Stupidest Poker Player in America...which could very well be the right choice as well. I mean, what does he think is beating him? Oh! A bigger Flush!!!!!>>>>???? Yeah. Who cares!??? $6000 in the pot...and $2000 to call with a flush and you fold? Yeah, SURE! Well Monkey takes the pot...goes on break...where I go find Squirrel to tell her what happened...and receive a reprimand from her about "being nice to the dealers." BEING NICE! I might be the only one in there who tips them big STILL even after they started their 'toke the dealer for extra chips' business. Whatever...nice break that was!

I go back in....and right away...with the blinds 100/200....UTG guy, to my left, who I have already decided I want to bust so bad I cant stand it...raises to 750. The same dumbass who has made one dumbass play after another SMOOTH calls. Well, our little buddy from the previous hand, who allegedly folded a flush...decides to make it 2000. He has pulled this move about six times! The one time he got caught with J8. He got lucky on that one and hit a flush. Well, I look down at 99 in the BB. Well, I am only afraid of the first raiser...but I know how he plays...and he could easily have some shit like A10, maybe even a smaller pair than mine...I'm pretty sure I have him beat. I don't feel like I should worry about the next clown...buy hey...you NEVER know at this table!

So I take some time.....think about it...and decide "You know what? I'm pretty sure I have the best hand here....and I like the pot...I'm ALL IN for $5500!" The first guy Insta-folds. Cool! Now comes the moment of Extreme Stupidity! Dum Dum decides...after thinking long and hard...to CALL! Huh!??? This should be good. Well the pot is too big now for the other guy to fold, so he calls too. Well, his hand wasn't THAT bad...definitely scary....AJ spades...but the first guy? Ya ready? KING SEVEN of SPADES!!!!!!!! When I say the entire table, and players from surrounding tables started to snicker....its an understatement! The flop produces all undercards with two spades.....grrrrr......the turn card is the 9 of spades...giving me a set...but both players a flush. K7 guy goes bananas...and is still going bananas when the 6 hits the river to pair the board...giving me a full house...and a nice 14K pot...and eliminating both players. It took him about a minute to notice that he had lost! It was pretty funny. Well from that point on I pretty much cruised to the final table.

Never putting myself in position to call off more than 20% of my stack on any one play. I pretty much played flopless poker the rest of the way. Got a lot of walks in the Blinds, and got a lot of folds when I raised. We got to the final table and I had around 100K with the average at like 30K. So I was in good shape. Despite my huge chiplead I did the right thing and agreed to a $20 per player allowance to give 10th place their payoff instead of being the bubble boy. A lot of players wont do that when they have a lot of chips. They like the strategic edge it gives them...and I understand that. You can sit there and just keep raping the blinds because no one wants to go out on the bubble. But I also have a pretty firm HUMAN side to me...that says "this guy just sat here for 5 or 6 hours and might leave with NOTHING...and that just sucks ass! I've been that guy...I know how horrible it is...why put that on someone, while at the same time inviting Bad Karma onto myself!??" So yeah I do the deal. The Final Table goes pretty quick.

We get down to 3...and its me, This kid Dan from Atlanta who I met at Ceasers Classic in Atlanta last fall, and who I had eaten with before the tourney started...he had final tabled the night before and did a 5-way chop...so he was running good....and this Old Man...we will call him Old Man River and his Pack of Donkeys! Or O.M.R.P.D for short! He is INCAPABLE of folding. If he sees a flop and he has bottom pair...and you bet into him big...HES CALLING! Dan has QJ and raises him in the SB. OMRPD calls with K4. The flop comes Q-6-4. Dan bets out TWICE the pot! OMRPD CALLS! THe turn!??? A FOUR! Dan loses all his chips. Me and Old Sparky get heads up. He wants to chop. Which would have been I think $1500 each. I'm already guaranteed $1000...but I want to play for $1900. I go card dead immediately. But he keeps limping in without me ever raising (because I didn't have SHIT to raise with!) Finally I think...as he limps and I look down at 5-7spades...that I can probably bust a move one time...take a nice pot and turn the tide a little. He limps...I MOVE ALL IN and he INSTA CALLS...with A4 offsuit. I tell him..."good, I like my hand!" And I do...as I hit the 7 and win a HUGE double up! Now we are dead even. Well, it wouldn't last long.

I pick up 99 on the button and because its him, raise 5 times the blinds. HE CALLS! UGH! The flop comes 10-8-3. He just SHOVES ALL IN! Huh? I think to myself...no one with top pair (no one decent) would just shove right there would they? I'm putting him on like A-8 there. So like a dumbass I call..when I could have just folded and still had a lot of chips. He turns over my longtime nemesis....damn K-10....and I fail to improve. And once again...I finish 2nd place. DAMMIT! I tip out the dealers and the floor...I am one of the only ones who tips out the floor. Basically...its kind of a way to keep them from throwing me out! Ha! Maybe not QUITE that extreme...I also appreciate the job they do for us. Being from the restaurant industry my whole life (not anymore) I've got tipping ingrained in me. Oh I almost forgot the "Crown Royal Red Snapper quote of the night" which was initiated by Jeff the dealer. Not sure how it was inspired but it went like this.

JEFF: Monkey was that guy who in high school was voted "most likely to get thrown out of a public place" I bet.
MONKEY: Hmmm, interesting. I was thrown out of HIGH SCHOOL!

Which, when repeated to Squirrel, got her to asking me "sweety, you didn't graduate from High School?" Of course I did, how would I have gone to college! OH, I got thrown out of High School SEVERAL times....I think about 7!

After I said that...this sweet little old man who had been on my right all night asks me if I know his son, Jason? Jason? I know a lot of Jason's sir....what's his last name? GLADDEN! Oh hell yes, I know Jason...we ALL know Jason. One of the cleverest players/humans I know. Well, his Dad tells me that Jason was into trouble a LOT when he was a kid. Interesting! But "different kind of trouble than most kids" as he stated it.

Exactly how I would have imagined it. Things that would require a higher level of intellect, like breaking into the computer lab and fixing test scores....like, gaining access to personal files and changing them...stuff like that. Stuff I would have NEVER thought of while in high school. Stuff like slipping through a partially opened window and stealing the answer book for Geometry off the teachers desk...then withdrawing from Geometry (while receiving a D at the time) and re-taking it again the following semester! (wink wink) You know...stuff like that!

The following day I went to play the Friday tourney. Started much like the one the day before. Couldn't hit a draw. Couldn't get anyone out with any raise. But then it looked like I was about to become ChipZilla in level 4. IN the SB I completed a 6-way limpfest with J8 (the Roosters favorite hand!). The (as I am thinking in my head...how bout flopping me the nuts dealer) flop comes Q-9-10. NO WAY! Check! Checks all around. DAMMIT! Hate that. Turn is a harmless 4. BB bets out 600. ONe caller. Two callers! Hell, I have 4500 and the pot is like 4000...I know what to do. I don't even move all in! I raise 75% of my stack....to 3000.

That SHOULD be an INDICATION to EVERYONE at the table that I JUST MIGHT HAVE THE NUTS! But no no....doofus in the BB shoves all in...the others fold, I of course call. He turns over Q4. Two Pair. Oh god no...don't do it dealer. She (the dealer of a good portion of my recent Beau Rivage Cooler Beats) does it...putting a 4 on the river. UNREAL. I'm gone. I go home and begin the BRUTAL RUN that will conclude this entry....we will call it the ONLINE INTERNET POKER BEATDOWN AND MENTAL FIRESTORM! but first......this just in!

Allie Prescott ...fresh off his 27th birthday, just called from Vegas with some good news. $2,000 of the money owed to me has just been transferred into his account from our buddy who borrowed from us both! Yes, indeed, as this is the end of the month and bills are coming due..this is VERY exciting news! I also received a phone call from Mr. 12.5% of my Main Event action for $2500 last week stating that he isn't avoiding/ditching me...that he will be coming clean also. So this could end up being a very good week for the Monkey.

Now if I could just get Russ Floyd to pay up...and a couple of the guys who STILL owe me money from LAST football season (uh huh...that!) I would REALLY be in good shape with August's Beau Rivage tourney coming up. OH...I also decided, that I think it will be a good poker decision for me to drive over to Dallas on August 17th....shack up with my boys Smoke and JD...and play the WinStar $3million guarantee. It is only a $2K buy in...but if I get there on Saturday I can play one of the two remaining $400 Mega Sats they have to get in cheap. First place in that sucker is a cool $690,000. That wouldn't SUCK too bad! Ah....yes, ALLIE has just revealed to me that he is becoming a BONAFIDE Las Vegas Handicapper Extraordinaire!! Allie is one of the GAMBLIN-EST guys I know.

He made NINE....that's right NINE....baseball bets on Sunday...his birthday..in a drunken, lets-go-celebrate-my-birthday-in- Allie PRescott style with a couple of his buddies from back home. Of those nine bets...he combined 3 of them into parlays. that's 2 3-team parlays. HE WON THEM ALL! He banked around 6K. Here is the bad news. And the news he wont let go of. Had he made a 9 team parlay...for, I forget the amount, whatever he was going to be willing to put on it.....he would have clocked $171,000!

He may end up killing himself over it. The only thing I can think of that is worse than that is the 3-week depression he went into after Memphis Choked away the NCAA title game to Kansas...a game, that had they won, I would have won my March Madness Pool for $1500. It might have been my fault. He was in San Antonio...sitting at half court ( I have NO idea how he pulls that shit off either! ) when I texted him with Memphis leading by 8 with what? 2 minutes left? I think I may have black-catted them when I text Allie...."do the folks in San Antonio a favor and leave them some alcohol for tomorrow after your boys wrap this shit up." DOH!!!!!!! We all know the rest of the story!

Hey...saw that Tim final tabled at Orleans. Awesome. Tim is a really cool dude. He also has a super hot Mom. I actually wrote a song about her...and pretty sure I sang it at the table one night in some tournament or sit n go. Even hotter than Tim's Mom is Tim's girlfriend...who took a gig as a rounder girl while we were in Vegas. In the Main Event, Hod (one of their photogs) brought the three Rounder girls over to my table for a photo op. I didn't recognize the one blonde girl. She says..."remember me?" I was like......duhhhhh ummmmm...no....WTF! Didn't event realize it was "Hundred Pounds Of Fury!"

Oh whats up with that? Back in New Orleans at the WSOP event...we were all out...me, Tim, our buddy Brian Taylor (another great player, from ATL) in the quarter...drunk...Im sure...when these text messages started coming at Brians phone from a girl. (tims girlfriend, whose REAL name I will withhold) Apparently while in Vegas the previous month, Tim had 'acquired some lipstick' on his shirt collar that she found...and well, didn't take very well. Somehow this was BT's fault, guilt by association kind of deal. And here came the text messages...threatening, basically to kill him! She uttered the quote of the year (as far as I'm concerned) when she stated, "I am a 100 lbs of fury coming to get you!" I went nuts! Now every time I see her that is what I call her. Ive almost forgot her REAL name given her by her parents! I will ask Tim..."so where is 100 lbs of fury!??" "Shes up in the room" "Shes on her way out, gets here tomorrow". I cant wait to see how long those two last. Tim's my boy and everything....but as far as I can tell, course I'm not gay so I'm not very good at this stuff...she has him SERIOUSLY OUTCLASSED in the looks department!!!! Then again...have you seen Squirrel!!??? I'm kind of freerollin too! ANYWAY....congrats to Tim for another nice score in Vegas!

Ohhhhhh the Orleans....Gabe and Claudia. WOW. What a sage they had their last week there. They bought this new car before Vegas. The damn thing is JINXED! They got out there fine...unlike me, when MY ENGINE BLEW UP in Albuquerque! But once they got there...oh boy. First....they had a tire blow out. And they are custom wheels. Gabe bought the thing off of Ebay. He couldn't get the original owner to return a phone call. It took him two weeks to get a new tire put on that thing. Then his fan belts went to shit. Listening to that thing screech every time he pulled into the garage was kind of funny. I personally, could not DRIVE a car if it was making that noise!

Well, the night before the Orleans was to start...Gabe had a session, a cash game session at the Bellagio that didn't go especially well. In fact...it was one of those where you decide you are going to stay until you get it all back. I think we ALL know how THOSE usually end. So he ended up missing the Orleans tourney altogether. Well, upon leaving the Bellagio, the Valet guys crashed his car...basically ripping off the back end! This was on Saturday. He then gets five days of the biggest run around in history. My ass would have gone STRIAGHT into the CASINO MANAGERS office...parked my ass there until he saw me...and demanded instant satisfaction. What ended up happening was Gabe and Claudia ended up flying home, their car is still there waiting on a part from Japan that takes 3 weeks to get...then the Bellagio is shipping them their car on a train. WOW! What a nightmare. Luckily they have another car here. Claudia came by yesterday and brought me one of her surprises that we got three times while living in the house in Vegas. CLAUDIA PIE! Which (stop it you sickos!) is a Strawberry cream pie..and is amazing.

She also made brownies for Rooster. Then she, Squirrel and some other girls went to see Mamma Mia...a TRUE chick flick. Claudia is really a cool chick...I'm really, really glad we got to know each other this summer. She might swear a little too much, and be a little rough around the edges...but she has a great heart...and she is funny as hell. I really like her a lot. And Gabe. I'm glad they came into my life this summer. They are both joining us next Sunday night...when me, and about 14 people will celebrate Squirrels 30-somethin'ish birthday (you're welcome sweety!) by going to dinner at Bonefish Grill then the Def Leppard/Joan Jett concert at the coliseum. Should be a really fun night out.

Monkey's take on Internet poker to come...

Back to Hot, Humid Biloxi

Well I have returned to Hot, Humid Biloxi.....

The drive home was...well, UNEVENTFUL! My car had no issues, which was nice. We visited the Hoover Dam...which would have been nice if it hadn't been 315 degrees outside and the tour would have just entailed me and Rick and not 135 other knuckleheads. Crowds...pushing....@*#@$# I hate that! Gabe and Claudia decided NOT to join us, but to stay behind in Vegas for a few days. Gabe wanted to play the Main Event at the Orleans...a $2000 buy in that I would expect maybe 50 players to attend. Monster.

Rick and I decided to skip the Grand Canyon tour. Three reasons. #1 Gas is $4 a gallon and the Canyon was a 225 mile 'diversion' #2 We wanted to make it back to Biloxi to play the Sat and Sun $235 buy in tourneys and #3 Squirrel gave me a guilt trip about "thinking maybe we could see the Grand Canyon together since I've never seen it either." Sigh.....okay. Skipping the Canyon! My new favorite thing in the world is RED BOX! Yeah...at every Wal Mart in America (except, as it turns out....BILOXI!) you will find a vending machine in Wal Mart where, for $1 a day, you can rent a movie..and return it to ANY RedBox in America. So in Las Vegas, we rented 3 movies. Finished them by the time we got to Albuquerque. Returned them to the Wal Mart right next to the Toyota dealership where my car spend 4 weeks getting the engine rebuilt after it blew up on the way TO Las Vegas! We rented 5 more there. Finished them somewhere in the middle of Texas...and returned and rented 5 more.

We pulled over ONCE, at a rest area somewhere in Texas, and slept for 5 hours....and continued home. Finished those movies...I dropped Rick off at home...and decided to return them at our Wal Mart. The greeter had no idea what I was talking about. And bless her heart and her 28 IQ...she kept trying to tell me I could buy some movies there but not rent them. Yeah, Yeah...thanks Sweety...have a nice day! So after calling Red Box, I get to send the movies (at my cost) to somewhere in Illinois now. Perfect.

Saturday. $235 buy in. $20k guarantee. Biggest field I have ever seen...around 160. Of course I forgot to change the time on my phone, so when I set the alarm for 9:45am...it was actually 11:45. Lovely. And Jessica no longer works there...so the 'ol call ahead and get me a seat system is no longer in play. So I got to race over there and go in as an alternate! DAMMIT!

On the drive there I had a nice conversation with my backer...who wasn't the least bit down and out about how our Vegas trip went. AND she decided she wants to be in on my action on the local tourneys. That is cool, it takes a lot of trust on her part to want to do that...since the results from these tourneys don't post anywhere, she is pretty much taking my word on how they go. Realistically I could win one and never tell her. However...that would make me a total weasel. And a moron. And invite Bad Karma. And screw over the one person who has stuck her neck out and taken a chance on me when others wouldn't.

Yeah, that would be a brilliant move. But I know there are those out there who do that kind of thing...and it makes me sad for them. So I agreed to that deal with her. And also agreed to sit down and work out the spreadsheet in the next few days and figure out how much exactly we lost in Vegas. She of course, was about to board a plane with her husband to go gallivanting in Paris for two weeks....NICE! Me? I'm about to lose to tournaments at the Beau Rivage, weed through 7 weeks of mail, figure out who I owe money to...spend a few days working in the yard, washing my car...taking Cheryl to dinner...hmmmm...who has the better end of this relationship? I think my backer!!!!!! Good for her!

Yeah, so I get to the Beau and whoa...what a crowd. I see that Eric Comer, who I had heard was offered the job but never heard for sure if he took it or not...was indeed the new poker tournament director. Hmmmm. Eric and I have a bit of a history. Some of it good, some of it not so good. He is quite fiery...which I actually kind of admire and respect. I actually think we have a lot in common, which should easily spell out why we have had our issues in the past. Those who I closest to in poker, I usually started out with despising at one time!

Eric has had some 'episodes' in his poker life that have sort of changed the course of his career. I have had some 'episodes' in my poker career that have also created some roadblocks during my travails! I think Eric and I are probably a couple of nights of drinks and shots away from being really good buddies. I will say this...Eric has as much poker knowledge as anyone I know in poker...and his presence at the Beau Rivage is a GAIN for them. Johnny Grooms is one of the best in the business, PERIOD...and he usually knows what he is doing, and hiring Eric to run the tourneys there should pay off for them. He will be overseeing the upcoming event in August as well, an event I am very excited about..as I try to run down Cub (Matt Culberson) for the ROUNDER OF THE YEAR contest!!!! I think, too that Eric and I may have worked out a 'call ahead seating' agreement...so I am feeling a little more relaxed about things now! Takes very little to keep Monkey happy! Well........

I am not going to go too much into detail on the next two days....lets just say that both days I made it to the 300/600 blind levels and both times lost coinflips to knock me out of what would have been nice scores. Kind of a bummer. On Saturday...this one kind of pissed me off, because the player it involved was a guy I have always liked, and respected....but after this, I feel like I now owe him a couple of beat downs, maybe even a slow roll. Bert...whose last name escapes me...but ya'all know him...he always has a white fedora on, he's older, very quiet. Cant believe I cant remember his last name...but you know him if you play down here.

Anyway...I pick up 10-10 at cutoff, I have 4200 chips. The blinds are 300/600...a standard raise would be about 1800...leaving me with 2400. Kind of tough to raise 1800 and leave that behind. So I was stacking my chips, counting this all out, figuring out the math on it...before finally thinking...well, there is 1400 in the pot....an all-in here isn't the worst play. So I shove all in. Well, it comes to Bert in the SB and he very annoyingly announces "all that damn stacking...oh let me see, this over here, this over there....(mocks my stacking) let me show you how easy it is....just grab them all and stick them out there!"

He was basically clowning me. Okay Bert...so you have a good hand, I GET IT! Its not like I'm stealing with crap! He turns over AK. Congratulations Bert you have AK...and of course you will flop not just the Ace but the King as well. I lose. Goodbye, and good luck everyone. Bert, welcome to my shit list...hope you enjoy the stay there.

While I was there this weekend, I found out just how many people are reading this. Wow. I was quite amazed. Flattered? I'm not sure. I guess so. I have had a blast writing in this. I'm not sure this is much of a contribution to society, or if anyone is really benefiting from this. I know I am. I always feel after writing that I have cleared my (mental) inbox of everything that I am feeling! The one thing I feel its causing in me though, is that now I feel like every time I sit down to play a tourney that I am expected to make the final table.

I cant think that this is a good thing. Maybe it is. I don't know. I do know that when people beat me they act like they have accomplished something major. Hmmm...that's funny to me. I'm no different than anyone else I don't think. The cards are the same. I had a guy make what I thought was a ridiculous play against me either Saturday or Sunday, don't even remember which day it was. He knows who I am I guess...and after the play, I made a couple remarks, not incendiary or anything, just remarks alluding to his inability to think his top pair with bad kicker was good against the board that was out there. He insisted on finding me on break and breaking down WHY he thought his hand was good there.

It cost me about half of my stack to bet behind his check on the river, betting the pot into what I was trying to represent the whole way down as a set. He called and took it down. I think a good player insta-folds to my bet there. But I don't know, maybe it was just a situation there where both sides were glued to their thinking. He NEVER saw my SIDE, and I NEVER saw his. But sometimes, you just don't WANT TO hear what they were thinking? But maybe I'm being stupid here...maybe I SHOULD WANT to hear what they are thinking, to help ME as a poker player?

You know...because sometimes you are left asking yourself...."what the (@#*@ was that guy thinking on that hand" well when they are willing to come up and TELL YOU....I guess you might just want to hear them out, huh? After all, I do NOT think I have this whole poker thing completely figured out, and am ALWAYS looking for ways to get better. That might be a step in the process.

That's about all I have for you guys. Some exciting news...after being banned from having chat by PokerStars for LIFE....that happened last July, that's over a year....I sat next to a guy from Stars out in Vegas who gave me the blueprint to getting it back, and VOILA!!!! I got it back! Played on Saturday and Sunday...and no kidding, cashed in 8 of 18 MTTS and/or SNGs that I played in. Took 3rd in a 20/180 (good for $450) that I should have won.

The next day I get a text from Ronnie at the IP, who has the guy who won standing there telling him how he beat me in it. Nice. Small world. Yeah the guy beat me. Whatever. I raise with 55. He calls in the BB with AQ. Flop comes 10-6-7....he checks. I bet the POT. He CALLS! Turns a Q. He checks I check...ace on river. He checks again...I'm not betting another penny. He turns over AQ. Yeah....beautiful play. Love those guys who call big bets with nothing other than OVERS! Yeah I made a horrible play because I was trying to hold out for 2nd place money ($780) when I had an open ended straight draw to his top pair betting into me. I should have shoved it right there but I folded. 3rd place sucks. What sucks more is when they go around bragging about how they beat you....especially when they suck!

So I plan to play most of the nightly tourneys this month at the Beau Rivage....and when I am not there, I will be at home playing on PokerStars mostly, under the username ThePokrMnky....maybe I can make a big score or two before the August Beau Rivage event arrives. I am also entertaining thoughts of going to WinStar in Oklahoma for a big 3 million guarantee tourney they are running there. I got buddies now living in Dallas who I would go stay with. We'll see what happens. Off to take Squirrel out to dinner for Sushi at some new Sushi restaurant here in town.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading this and giving me such nice feedback, as well as to all of you who have been following me while I was in Vegas. Sorry I wasn't able to bring back a huge score for us in Biloxi to get excited about...but hey, we GOT A LOTTA POKER TO PLAY THIS YEAR!!!!!!!! See ya all soon!!!!

MONKEY

End of the Road

Its Over.

My Great Summer of 2008 in Vegas is over......

Sad but true. My 15 hour mission for one 'last lick' ended last night at 4am...with me walking out of the Planet Hollywood, having played the 2am DONKFEST, and, quite predictably...losing on a donkeyboy beat...not once...not twice...but three times....
I cant say I was sad or irritated, since I fully expected to experience this when I walked through those doors. My day started at the Ceaser's Palace. We got there late, but due to me being friends with the floor guys over there they got us in after registration had closed. MISTAKE. I made a bad read on a guy....who just happened to be holding, what else? ACES. I have run INTO ACES maybe NINE times this week.

Ugh. I left, went over to Mirage, with the idea of playing a sit n go. They weren't going off...so I sat in a cash game, quickly losing $150. I don't know why I thought QQ would hold up after I raised the $15 raiser to $40...only to be called by the clown with 97. Catching a board of K-7-10...I bet out $60. He calls. Turns a 7....there ya go. I left that game before I killed the guy. I go play Stud with perhaps the oldest people in the Western Hemisphere. 1-4 stud. So when I put $150 in red on the table, you would have thought I dropped $100,000 on the table. Whoops.

As it turned out I had more fun at that stud table than I had in several days, maybe weeks. It didn't hurt that I was running over the table. I love stud. Its a dying game...cant even find it in Biloxi anymore. They used to spread it at the Beau but not anymore. I was up about $75 when they called me for the $115 sit n go. And guess who was sitting on my left? Good 'ol 79 boy. He was on my left in the cash game as well...and he has this little habit of turning his right knee directly into the player on his rights' thigh. After about five minutes of fidgeting around I finally just said "Dude, if you could do me a favor please and quit shoving your @#$(*$@ knee into my thigh I would really appreciate it!" This guy turns out to be one of those jerkoffs you simply CANT BEAT...no matter what cards you have.

He couldn't miss anything...was running over the sit n go. I get AK in the BB....he limps in again for $150. I decide to flat it and try to trap. Flop comes K-9-3. I think about betting then decide to check to him. He leads out $550. Perfect. "I'm all in. $1150" He calls...of course...and turns over the EVER POWERFUL K-6..........and hey hey hey...what hits the river? You know it! Time to leave The Mirage. Went and met Rick across the street at Venetian, who was losing his ass in the WSOP Texas Hold Em casino game..the one I had turned him onto a couple days ago. He was irritated again.

We went to dinner at Palazzo...wow, you talk about a nice casino. The biggest, wide-open thing you have ever seen. Talk about a lot of unused space. I don't know what is going on in the gambling industry...I read a trade magazine yesterday about how EVERYONE is down this year...and down big. And yet all these new casinos, bigger and more beautiful than ever keep popping up all over the place. Squirrel is a cocktail waitress at the Beau and is so bummed out at how slow its been there. Sorry...for that little sidebar. We decide after dinner to play the 8pm $180 tourney at Venetian.

I tread water for about two hours...then this assclown who has been alternating between sitting and drinking his ice coffee while playing one hand out of ten...and sweating his buddy at the final table of the 5K tourney (turns out he had 40% of his action) watching with his hands on his hips like some kind of hairdresser in SoHo...prancing around sporting his man boobs. I hated this guy. After his buddy sucked out and ran around squealing like a pig repeating over and over "YEaaaahhh....ONE TIMEEEEE baby.....ONE TIMEEEE...ship it oneee timmmeeeeeeeee........." Everyone at the table took a collective sigh of "I hate that guy" which resulted in the inevitable. Me placing a $100 bounty on his Greg Brady-looking friend with his twitchy eyes and his chip fondling, chip flinging ways.

UGH! So there it was...bounty in play! He finally rejoins the table for an amazing 6 hands in a row. He is the guy who likes to Re-pop behind the limp/limp/raise scenario..... or raise 2x the pot behind the limp/limp/limp scenario. Just like our Euro buddies. I laid down a hand about three times to this crap...then finally I limp in with QJ spades...guy limps behind me...and 'ol twitchy eyes flicks $2000 in there. I have $3800. Screw it. I'm over it. I UPS that shit...and find AJ of hearts.

Perfect. Looks okay though when I flop 9s-8d-2s.....any spade, any Q, any 10.....but nope, I brick it out...and jagoff gets all my chips. I DO SAVE my $100 bounty though! He would proceed to donk off a pretty big stack of chips in less than hour. I went over and bought into a $1/$2 game for $300 and when I cashed out at 1:30am had $1260. So I won what I would have had to finish 3rd in the tourney to win. Not to shabby. That was when I bee-lined it over to Planet Hollywood to play that stupid tournament. And you know how that ended.

Its weird around here now. Its pretty much taken on a ghost-town like feel. All the tourneys have less than 100 players, so its not much better than the tourney scene in Biloxi. I know this weekend they have the $20,000 guarantee at the Beau...so I am feeling somewhat motivated to get on the road and get home by Friday to catch that. I'm sure Squirrel is going to be ecstatic with me coming home and going straight to the casino to play poker. Once the WSOP leaves town...its like there is a big hangover. Its kind of depressing.

Frank played yesterday in the WPT Bellagio...and got up to over a half million chips around 5pm....but as I was trying like crazy to get an update around 11pm...no website would give me the chip counts....I cant understand the lack of coverage on a damn $15,000 buy in event with most of the worlds best players...but finally found out that he had busted out, I think 35th. I was bummed for him. But it does mean that I don't have to sit around until Thursday to watch him at the Final Table as I promised I would. Two weeks ago, I loaned a guy $2000....it was a friend of Allie's who I felt I wouldn't need to sweat getting the money back from...they were on a blackjack bender. I was promised it back in four days. Well...needless to say, I haven't gotten it back. Then, my old backer wanted to buy a piece of my WSOP Main Event action...so a day before I played I sold him 12.5% of myself for $2500.

Got out of Day 1....called about it....since it wasn't in my account...told me not to worry about it....it would be there. Next day. Not there. Played and got out of Day 2. Still no money. Then lose early on Day 3. Money? Still not in my account. Now have called and texted twice and heard nothing. I love this life. That's $4500 out on the limb. It pisses me off...because had I cashed I would have paid him his piece right away. Like I ALWAYS do. I'm so tired of getting strung along. So I am going home with, lets just say...a tiny little bit of irritation lingering deep in my soul! And I have no money on PokerStars....what little money I had Squirrel has depleted with her late-night, bored and lonely sessions on there. So before I leave for the drive home, I need to get some money on there. I have the wireless card...I hope to let Rick drive some so I can get my fix!!!!!!

I woke up around noon today and thought it would be nice to head out to the pool and try and recapture what I spent the last 8 days losing...my killer Vegas tan! Between being locked away in the poker room coupled with the last 6 days here being overcast with the occasional rain showers....despite still being 90-100 degrees everyday. This following 6 consecutive weeks of nothing but clear skies and 110-115 degrees and every day of pool and tanning.

Great...so what happens? I go out there when its nice and sunny...only to watch this huge cloud roll in..and start raining and here comes thunder. Hey cool..maybe I will get hit by lightening on my last day here! So naw..instead I've come back into the house to sit on the couch with Claudia and watch Jerry Springer and his Leg and Torso-less security guy. WTF is that all about? Claudia is now discussing the merits of the Springer Show...how it has never crossed her mind to get into a fight with another girl with her shirt off! But that she wouldn't mind giving it a shot! Lord, please kill me! I love my life!

Me, Rick, Claudia and Gabe might leave tomorrow morning, driving together. We all kind of want to see a tour of the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Make a bit of a longer trip of it. My buddies JD and Smoke (from Baton Rouge) just moved to Dallas to open a bar (I think) so we might stop in there and spend the night before making our way back to Biloxi. I don't know though....as the weather is crap outside, and its 1pm here...IM thinking more and more about leaving today. Otherwise, I might be tempted to go down and find something to play...which is just going to make me tired for tomorrow's drive. Probably talk to you all when, or after...I get back to Biloxi, hopefully after a nice score at the Beau Rivage. Take care!

MONKEY

Laugh Track at Mirage.

You posted the blog yesterday....and I was reading it on my Blackberry...and while at Mirage playing in their 7pm tourney ended up having the whole table reading it. Let me just say, when I write this thing, I am NOT TRYING to be FUNNY. I am usually just blurting out whatever is on my mind. Apparently, I am now a comedian...the whole table was in stitches. Interesting.

Rick and I were going to try and go play the 7pm 2nd chance at Orleans. Rick got (again) late in the noon tourney over there...I was going to play there only because I could be there to sweat him in that deal. Well, on my drive over there he busts out. Guy under the gun with a lot of chips raises with 66...and he moves in for quite a lot with AK in the BB. My opinion there was that he should have flatted it (smooth call) and see a flop, knowing that the guy would NEVER fold to his all in.

Well, he hit the ACE on the flop....had he flatted it....he could have shoved then and the guy would have folded. He didn't though...and when the guy turned a 6 it was over for Rick, and I had to deal with him feeling like he hated poker for the rest of the night. I went and played the 7pm at Mirage....a $125 joke of a tourney with 37 players...nice. Pretty much a four table sit n go. I couldn't catch a break. Its official, my perfect record of never cashing a Mirage tourney continues.

ON the one chance I had to double up, with 14 left...I catch JJ behind a shortstack (shorter than MINE!) all in...and what does he have? What else? A9 offsuit. Flops an ace of course...but wait, I turn a JACK! No way....are we turning the trend? Nope, he rivers a four-card club flush. How nice. Then they move Mr. Tattoo to our table, you know the guy...tattoos all over his body, too many chains and bracelets, ball cap turned sideways...and a lot of chips that he got early on accident. Either calling or raising every hand...then betting out 2000 anytime it checked to him. whatever. I got blinded out.

The good news is that I quickly got into a $120 sng with a $20 last longer....it would end up being the LONGEST sit n go on this trip. Played heads up with the guy for over an hour...with the blinds at 1000/2000 I moved in on this guy with 10-3 hearts...beauty...and got called by his AQ. I lose. 2nd place. Good for $350 and the $80 last longer. SO the day wasn't a total lost. Then I won $150 in blackjack...which for me is like winning a THOUSAND! I NEVER WIN IN BLACKJACK!

Well, while I was doing this Rick was sitting with his Iphone and his statistical info telling him how to hit a Royal Flush on the video poker machine. He was in for $400 and was completely convinced he was going to hit it by 1:15am...and if not we would leave. Well, he was pretty close. At 1:12am...this little old lady two machines away from him nailed it! He was, uh...lets just say....FREAKING OUT! I couldn't help but kind of snicker. He is 46 years old, but sometimes I would swear he is 11. Cracks me up.

We went home and Claudia was hosting another 'BIG DEUCE' game while Gabe was overwhelming chipleader in some Full Tilt $11 buy in with 145 players and 35 left. She appeared to be cleaning house on her Big Deuce guests...as they were playing for $10 a card. I declined a spot in the game. Instead of spent an hour cleaning the house and went to bed.

You need someone to rail now that the November Nine are done for the summer? Well, how bout getting behind the "COOLEST MOST NON-PRETENTIOUS RICH GUY YOU WILL EVER MEET" in the WPT Bellagio Cup? Once I would like to see someone spell his name right (sure he would too!)....FRANK KASSELA, who has about 325K and sits in around 7th as the action continues today...they start at noon and play down to 27 today. If he makes the final table he is going to put me up at Bellagio so I can watch him. Frank is from Dallas originally but has been living in Memphis for the last few years....and is married to Piper who is from the Memphis area. I would love to see him go deep. He is the one who staked me in the Venetian 5K. So lets get some Rail Love for Frank there!

I am off to play the noon tourney at the House of Satan....a $120 juice-fest (they take $30 of the $120 for 'fees') at Ceasers Palace. Trying like crazy to win something....ANYTHING...before I leave the City of Sin.

MONKEY