First Royal Flush

41 and my FIRST ROYAL FLUSH ON VIDEO POKER!

...never thought I would see the day!
First of ll, on the heels of my Internet rant....I see where PokerStars did a software update yesterday, actually it was brought to my attention by a guy who I have been IM'ing with a lot. They have an ultra-cool FULL TILT'esque new hand history feature...where you have the choice of either seeing the detailed hand history, or viewing a table image shot of the last hand. Very cool, and long overdue. For those of us who operate in a "pictures-are-better-than-text" kind of world. Anyway...my theory is that to beat the cheaters, you simply play online RIGHT AFTER a software update has been implemented, which gives you about 6 to 10 hours to play SCANDAL-less poker on that site. I did that...and what happened? I won 3 out of 5 sit n gos. Yeah...I KNOWWWWWWW!!!! But then, when I would have liked to keep it going, Squirrel got off early from work and wanted to go eat Sushi. We took a pass on that new place EDO...which was VERY UNIMPRESSIVE. Hope that stupid, cheap-ass commercial I see running on local TV didn't put them out too much. We went back to SAKI, where we have been quite a few times. Its on whatever that road is called that is Exit 50...down the street from Jim "Smokey" 's Smokeshop. By the way...if anyone knows that Jim is OKAY...like, I mean...NOT DEAD...let me know. I didn't get ONE supportive text from him while in Vegas, nor have I seen him since I've been back...and that is kind of freaking me out. He is an awesome dude, always real supportive...and I know he was kind of in the doghouse with his wife for awhile. Just hoping she didn't up and go Lorrena Bobbit (or whatever that crazy bitch's name was!)...sorry...I tend to get sidetracked....Sushi was good. our waiter was a rookie though, and forgot pretty much everything we asked for. Good thing he had such a pleasant disposition. We decided to make a LEFT instead of a RIGHT (being, the way home) and went to play some little cash game at the Hard Rock. The night before....ugh...don't even really want to think about this but....I played the Tuesday night tourney at the Beau. Few things about that:

They have been running these 10K chip events there. Before Eric arrived they set them up. And they set them up using that same piece of shit blind structure that I was just reaming Ceasers Palace about out there...that no ante til 600/1200 crap. STUPID. Well, Eric actually ASKED me what I thought about that structure...and when I told him I thought it sucked ballz...he agreed me...and it looks like we will see it changed. WOO HOO! That excites me. Well, I got about half way through that tourney...had a nice little suckout for a bunch of chips....then had my AA cracked (again!) by 44.....then in BB with J3.....Flop comes J-3-5.....same guy who cracked my AA....limped on the button with J5! Yea! NICE! So lose a bunch there! Then manage to somehow get into it with a guy in Seat 4...who, cant remember how it happened now because I had started drinking by this point...but somehow I put a $100 bounty on the guy. And shortly after that the guy next to him had kind of gotten me pissed off. So we are down to 26 players. BOUNTY BOY goes all in. Now understand...for someone to collect the bounty, I have to STILL be in the GAME. Well, nemesis number 2..the FIVE SEAT....smooth calls! I look down at 66. And I am way, way shorter in chips than him...but I do have seat 4 (BOUNTY BOY) covered....so I think to myself...hmmmmmmm....I need to protect my investment here. And I do NOT want to have to hand $100 to that guy in Seat 5. So I go all in. He calls. He has KK. DOH! The first guy has AQ. Nothing all the way to the river to help...but the river is an A! HAHAHAHAHHAAHA. Sure, I am out. But I save my $100!!!!!!! I proceed to the $1/$2 cash game. I play for 6 hours. I HATE THE $6 time drop every half hour. IT SUCKS! And why is it that some do it, and some don't? That's $72 in time drop money. And I can guarantee that I tipped the dealers at LEAST $100 in those 6 hours. That is a pretty large gap to fill. Well, I did NOT fill it. Lets just say....I lost $1300. Not gonna go too much into detail. Lets just say, that I run SO BAD in cash game at the BEAU that its a wonder I EVER play there at all. Stuff like...lets flop a set...after RAISING big with the pair preflop...only to have JACKASS with 4-9 of hearts flop a flush...and call me down all the way to the river. Then I flop trip aces....turn a boat....have three-way all ins behind me and of course think I am good and call off, ohhhh $650.....the lady has a flush (obv.) and the first guy has...OH...a BETTER FULL HOUSE. HOWWWW NICEEEEE!!!!!! Seems like a damn good time to get up....get in my car....program the MELLOW MONKEY category on my iPod...turn it up really loud...and drive as slow as I can...back to my house. I left Squirrel at the table...she knew well enough to not come home for about a half hour. That was good.
So you can understand my ambivalence about going back into the cash game arena on this particular occasion! But oh.....go we did.

We get to the Hard Rock...and WHOA...there are THREE full tables running! That has to be a record! And....its WEDNESDAY! I like playing there because they have NO time drop. And for some reason I tend to run pretty damn good there. The cocktail service is extremely slow though...and most of the girls they have working there....well, lets just say, I like the choice of uniforms, given the girls wearing them CAN pull it off...and uh....well....yeah! The guys at the front desk there are always very nice and accommodating. There is one thing, that since Day 1 of that place being open that I would love to see changed. At the front, where you get your chips....they have these marble counters. On top of the marble countertops, they place the chip racks. The PLASTIC chipracks! Have you ever dragged plastic across a marble top? First of all, its very loud. Second, they tend to emit this shrieking sound. Its awful. And they are always falling over. Its very "Bob-decided-to-open-a-poker-room-in-his-basement" ish. I made a suggestion way back that they should get a container of some sort for them. Still wish they would. But hey...its not a perfect world is it? Well, on this night....we were forced to WAIT for a seat. WOW. Squirrel decides we should go put $20 in the video poker machine. I hate slots. HATE THEM. But every once in awhile I WILL sit down and play some Jacks or Better. Remember Rick (rooster) and his little SYSTEM of winning the Royal Flush, and how it kept backfiring on him out in Vegas? This is pretty funny. Two nights ago...when I was getting creamed in the cash game....he had been whacked from the tourney...not a bad beat this time...he ran his A7 (shortstacked) into something much better, like KK or QQ or something....and moved out to the video poker banks. Some cute little old lady sits two machines away from him. She has her daughter, and her granddaughter (24 and cute) sitting with her. On about her fifth pull she hits a ROYAL FLUSH! But she only had a .25 in play ...so she won 250 credits, whatever that is. Rick texts me his angry (predictable) text...so I come over to check it out...and immediately start flirting with the old lady. She is having a ball! I finally leave to go back to the cash game...which at the time I was crushing...and he texts me about 20 minutes later...playing the MAX...she HITS ANOTHER ONE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH. That's awesome. But I know Rick is probably about to throw himself out of a window now!

Back to us. We put in $20 each. Her money...only because I didn't happen to have a $20 on me. After about 20 minutes she hits AAAA...good for 250 credits. Then.....ten minutes later, I draw a board of 2s-10d-Kd-Ad-Qd......OH MY GOD.....ONE from the ROYAL FLUSH......no way! We both brace ourselves as we hold all four and press that last button. JACK OF DIAMONDS!!!!!!!!!! ROYAL FREAKING FLUSH!!!!!! And like a dumbass....I watch the 4000 credits add up...thinking we just won $4000!!!!!! Bad news #1...she reminds me that I only won HALF...cuz it was her $20. FUCK! But, yeah that's fair. Oh well, $2000 is still pretty kick ass. Covers LAST NIGHT!!!! Then she brings it to my attention that its only 4000 CREDITS...that its $1000. OH! SHIT!!!! So I won $500. Whatever. I'll take it! Our seat opens up. IN three hours of play...we paid ZERO in time drop...NICE! And I managed to go UP...then DOWN....THEN UP...THEN DOWN....then nothing for an hour......lost $100. I can live with that. We went home and watched bad TV......"what not to wear" what a stupid show!

Two nights ago my buddy Brandon Cantu had his final table from the BAY 101 SHOOTING STAR WPT televised on GSN. Don't know if any of you saw it. It was a good table, some good players. Him, Jen Harman, Steve Sung...he made some pretty hairy plays and got away with them...then gets gifted a couple of huge pots. Basically, if you play a lot of poker...it was one of those tourneys where he won because everything just kind of broke his way. I did notice one thing about him....when he gets a lot of chips...he pretty much opens EVERY pot with a raise. DIABOLICAL. Maybe I need to incorporate some of that into my game. But then again....he really blew up at the WSOP this year too, almost in the same fashion....holding a huge chip stack...in the BB...a guy, very tight...raises him pretty big....Brandon, holding 10-5 or something like that...RERAISES the guy all in. Well, the guy had AA....and Brandon was on his way to sliding out in 20th place when a final table appeared almost a lock. I was bummed for him. But I think he made that bed. Reputation will get you only so far. At some point you have to lock it down and play my big stack percentage poker game. I get chips, a lot of them...and in a BIG tourney (like one where first place is 9 million DOLLARS!!!!! ) I like to keep them! I am not making moves that can cost me more than half my stack! Especially against the tightest player at the table.

I am currently sitting at my couch...doing battle with a spider. This damn thing...he keeps landing on the arm of the couch. I try to smash him...and he lifts off and just floats around. WHAT!!!??? Then lands again. Try again to smash him...its like he is totally fucking with me. There are really high ceilings out here...I have no idea what he is attached to. I hate spiders. There is one out in my front yard that has made this HUGE web....I mean HUGE! And this sucker is gigantic...like we are talking the size of a small-handed persons palm of their hand....and he has about 50 bugs in that thing. I looked it up online...its called, very harmless sounding..."Southern Garden Spider"....whatever...looks like a freaking KING CRAB! I'm afraid to go to battle with it! I'm just hoping it gets a better offer from another yard somewhere and moves on his/her own.

Spent all afternoon yesterday getting my upcoming pools all set up and the announcements mailed out. I think this year is going to be HUGE...like, off the charts huge. In putting together my NCAA SURVIVOR pool, I discovered something. IN the last 3 years there is some person....who is employed by COMPASS BANK....that puts together this Excel sheet, that has the entire NCAA schedule...by conference, as well as a category, of WEEKLY TOP GAMES....using the helmet of each school. Its amazing. Its not sponsored by anyone...it just floats around out there. I only figured out where it comes from by scrounging into the details of the file and finding the author. Weird. If anyone wants it...email me and I will forward it to you...it kicks ass. ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com So the pools are off and running!

Finally got my taxes from my accountant. Yeah, its JULY! NICE. ALMOST AUGUST! I did them with the same company for 4 years. It was a lady who was doing them. Well...three months into wondering where the hell they were...I find out...OH SHE WAS FIRED LAST MONTH! Oh how nice...well WHO IS DOING MY DAMN TAXES!!!!???? Finally her boss finished them up. And I don't think he knows his ass from his elbow. I will NOT be going back to them next year. They are in Pensacola anyway. The return from two years ago has been cited by the IRS as having a mistake on it, and they are demanding $815 in penalties owed. NICE. Try getting THAT one worked out...with bozos as accountants in your corner. I hate the IRS. OH...the reason I brought this up...VERY IMPORTANT piece of information. FIRST of all, if you are a resident of LOUISIANA.....and play poker....and win a good amount....MOVE! NOW! Don't even hesitate. JUST LEAVE and DONT EVER LOOK BACK! When you cash in a big tourney there, they take STATE income tax. Quite a bit. I cashed 3rd last spring....for...like $20,000....and they took $1245. This year of course I had two 2nd place cashes...one for $16,000 and one for $60,000.....I got taxed somewhere in the neighborhood of $7500! Well, I discovered that if you do NOT live in Louisiana...you are entitled to FILE an OUT OF STATE return...a NON RESIDENT return.....and you get ALL OF THAT MONEY BACK!!!!!! DAMN RIGHT! I have got that whole $1245 coming back from those people. And next year....NICE...I cant WAIT to do my taxes!!!!!!! Just wish that money was earning interest.

I just did something today that I don't whether to be proud of or ashamed of. I caved in and joined FACEBOOK. A couple years ago I was pressured into putting something up on MYSPACE. I hear all these goofballs talking about their MYSPACE this and that...and think its utterly retarded. I almost never use it. Its just THERE. But I did the facebook deal. Its pretty cool cuz it instantly brought up all the people on my BUDDY LIST from AOL that are on FACEBOOK and gave me the option to add them. Well, beings as how most of my buddy list on AOL is pool and/or poker related...there was a LOT of them. And I will say...its pretty neat to see, and read up on some of the people who have been playing in my pools for years. So I am giving it an A+. Glad I did it. Sure I will still not use it much...but at least people know I out there and alive.

There was something I was going to end with...what was it? Oh yeah...got deep into Nat Arems blog last night because I was trying to educate myself to this whole mess with, AHEM....CEREUS (the new ridiculous name of the merging entities ABSOLUTE and ULTIMATE BET) and Russ Hamilton. Wow, messy, messy situation all around. I'm not going to get into it much. I am anxious to see what happens when 60 minutes runs their story on the whole deal...just to see who gets flogged. But in reading his blog I came across another blog. Let me say this...I have NEVER BEEN ONE to read blogs. I don't even like the word BLOG. WHY BLOG? Where did that come from anyway? At any rate...if any of you know SHANIAC....his name is .....oh....first name I forgot...Schleger......and he's a very good player...but he has a blog that is hilarious. He reminds me.....in his writing....a lot of how I am almost always thinking. I think at the heart of every good poker player lives an insane genius. I hope that doesn't sound, in any way...self-serving. Its almost intended to sound self deprecating. Well, if you are looking for some funny funny shit to read...check his blog. Good luck finding it. That's all for me today...I have this enormous hole that my black lab dug in the back yard...as punishment I guess for leaving him home while I was in Vegas for 7 weeks...I must go free a pallet of St Augustine from the clutches of Evil that is Home Depot and allow it to live and flourish in my backyard. (at least until I leave on another long poker trip and Jasper decides to tear it up AGAIN) This should be a ball. Maybe I will make it to the Beau in time for the 6pm tourney...where I will try to defend my THURSDAY NIGHT FINAL TABLE crown. My backer also returned today...so I REALLY have to get my spreadsheet updated! Have a nice day boys and girls.

MONKEY

PS: Squirrel is now MAD AT ME for the amount of time I am spending on this thing. I think I have now, officially, got a better relationship with YOU GUYS than I do with her. Maybe she will like me again after Sunday, her birthday ;)