The Twilight Zone

...You are Now Leaving The Twilight Zone; Turn Off The Lights!

I have had three of the weirdest days I can remember. Oh...now that's just silly. Almost every day of my life is weird! As I am writing this I am sitting online in a $11 27 person SNG. With 12 left...I had 6000 chips and was chipleader, with 12 left! THere is currently 12 left and I am now all in, pot committed with 345 chips...with 2 3 offsuit! NICE! Really NICE! This follows the other two sngs and one MTT where I was 2-outed twice....and 3-outed the other time. I am on a current streak that would make one think PokerStars employs little Keebler-Elf like bastards who sit at a control board with switches and levers...that manipulate the cards. AA? Is that a good starting hand? or would you rather have 22? [ I have just moved all in with my 2nd favorite hand 6-7 suited with 345 chips and am not looking to see what happened] I won! Vs 8-10. Hit the 6. Nice. Back to my question. No...how about just the punch line? The last 17 times I have had AA on PokerStars...I have won T-W-I-C-E !!!!! That's right. 2 for 17!
Deuces? 8 for 15. That's right. So again, I ask you...Aces? Or Deuces? Back down to $408 and here comes the $200 BB. Did I mention my account balance has PLUMMETTED to $22.05! I really NEEDED a win here. Q7 in BB and this same asshole is MN RAISING ME AGAIN. He has A8. Expecting to hear that sound...."thank you for playing" Yup there it went. OUT! AGAAAAAAIN! Oh...he hit THREE 8's Of course he did. THEY ALL DO! Let me just go smash something...and I will be right back with you here!

THE OLD LADY EXPRESS!!!!!!!! (and Grumpy Old Men Should Stay HOME!)

Today is Thursday. Yesterday was Wednesday. I didn't play on Tuesday. The weather for the past week has been just gawd-awful. Rain, rain and MORE rain. My back yard is literally a swamp. After having just laid down all that sod to repair the holes my dog created out there....its kind of good, the rain, to promote growth of the new sod...but now its all like, well, have you ever let a sponge STAY in water? It gets almost jelly like and starts to fall apart. Kind of what my yard is doing. And the grass that needed to be cut LAST Friday? Well tomorrow is Friday again...and its NOT getting any shorter. Just give me TWO days of total sunshine and 90 degree heat please!???

I made the journey to the Beau on Wednesday night. There was actually a very nice crowd. 73 players. $2100 for first. Not bad, not bad. Guarded my 10,000 chips in the early going. Pick up QQ three times and play them perfect each time...getting called ALL three times I raised with them (because there is such a high level of respect for decent players who make early position raises at this fucking place!) ...and betting out...each time with a damn K on the flop...and winning. Whew! Stayed around the average for the first three levels. Then we get down to 22. I have Maria...Tony's wife...on my right. Which is a very good thing. I've never really addressed the whole 'friends helping friends' concept...but it really does come into play. USUALLY. She arrived shortstack. She gets her big moment...in the BB...a guy raises. The button goes all in, and she wakes up with KK. She is up against 55 and 66. Oh..you KNOW she is losing that one! But no.....after the turn card...I call her a Q on the river...and the river is???? A Q of clubs. Spooky. She triples up. Must be nice. She gives me a couple walks later. I am still hovering around "needing a double up real bad zone" when she raises me in the SB....with no other callers/raisers. I look down at A10spades. I hate it...but I have got to make a move. I move in, she calls with 88...and of course....I BRICK IT! Son of a bitch. Another 4 hours of my life...LOST! Hmmmm...what to do what to do? My buddy Lake was still in. He would make the final table. There was a lady...named Joyce...who from what I hear is the worlds largest luckbox. She was making just RETARDED plays....here is my favorite. Player #1 raises UTG. Player #2 re-raises 3x HIS raise. Player # Joyce/Luckbox/Old Lady...GOES ALL IN! WITH ACE THREE! First guy folds KK! Yeah. Second one calls with AK. THREE BALL. Joyce wins. Great play. NICE! Lake takes 4th. Doenst win enough to make anyone happy. JOYCE the LUCKBOX ends up winning the tournament, and I have yet another reason to curse the poker gods! I decide to go play cash game. (I know I know...WHY MONKEY, WHY?) I sit down...and my new POKER DEVIL...Patricia is dealing. She deals about 3 hands and costs me $120. Then we get a new dealer. And in HALF AN HOUR...I get rivered THREE times...and am down $500. JUST LIKE THAT! You kidding me! Does anyone have a gun? ANYONE?

Well, I decide to go to the extremes. I have now decided it is time to declare WAR on this table. If you are going to suck out on me...from now on...its going to cost you $2000! I pulled out my entire wad...and put it on the table...and you know what? Shit turned. Before long I had my 2000 in front of me (cash) and another $750 in chips. Kind of stayed that way for hours...and when I say hours...I mean....HOURS! At 3am...the...lets just call him...."The Asian Guy who Never Folds and Cant be Bluffed OR SEMI Bluffed". I know that this is kind of a long nickname. But he has earned it. That little bastard cost me about $500. It was 6am when I see housekeeping roaming around the room. Managing at the time is Norm. On the heels of my GUM UNDER THE TABLE rant...I decide to take up a collection and offer these cleaners a good sum of money to scrape off ALL the gum from under the tables. Norm hears this, and for some reason...decides this is somehow inappropriate of me. (???) WHY? I know they don't get paid very well. I know everyone that I talked to hates the gum as much as I do. And everyone was willing to kick in $5 or $10 to solve a problem in desperate need of a solution. But he tells me to let it go...that they will 'put in a request to housekeeping to have it done". Riiiiight. The clock starts today...the over/under is a week. WHO WANTS ACTION!???

At 7:30am....after two calls from Squirrel asking me why the hell I am still at the casino (a really good question) I finally decide...I can't beat the ASIAN GUY WHO NEVER FOLDS AND CANT BE BLUFFED OR SEMI BLUFFED, EVER....so I cut my losses and hit the road. Its daylight. That always freaks me out. Walking out of the casino...and seeing those people who always get up early in the morning...and either go jogging (scary) or you see them at the buffet lining up for breakfast. They all look so alert...and healthy. Wow, I am having a serious moment of self-reflection here! YOu go to your car and that humidity just face fucks you. Then you get in, start your car...pull out of the garage..and BANG..there is that SUN...coming up in the East...right in your FACE! You take your exit...see that damn median with all the weeks growing up all over it....have a small 'come apart'...and continue on, realizing how UNBELIEVABLY HUNGRY you are! ( and how, even if you had the landscaping tools IN your car...you are WAY too tired to get out and FIX that horrible looking island/median of weeds) So you're thinking....maybe I will pull into Mickey D's and get some hash browns...hell maybe even a biscuit. OH NO! The cars are lined up...all the way to the street. SHHHHHHHHIIIITTTTTTT! So you pass. Get home. NO FOOD. Or nothing you can prepare in under 2 minutes. So you go to bed hungry. Your girl is hating you. And you hate poker. Again!

Well, the computer repairman DID show up and fix my laptop...which had become separated from the screen. THREE DELLS in a row, all of them have had the hinge snap in two...thus freeing the screen from the base unit. Grrrr...well its like new now. Squirrels, no longer warranty...just got picked up this morning by DHL...to get HER SCREEN fixed. $200 bucks! GRRRRRR! So...then at 8am...who calls? The guy from the garbage company. WHY? Two days ago...his lazy ass garbage men...who now NEVER get out of their trucks...while picking up my can with their massive steel forks...tore two swaths out of my yard. Then, of course...drove on their way, not mentioning it to me, leaving a note...you know...TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY for it? So their boss shows up....to 'assess the damage.' Great. Thanks buddy. That's what happens when your yard is FULL OF WATER....its REALLY easy to trash! I get very little sleep....so I might as well go play todays tournament. WHY NOT! Decide after last nights drunken craziness, that I will go in today and be reallly low key and mellow. You are about to enter...the twilight zone!

WELCOME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE!

but first....I want to know how that statement started....heard after political campaign messages; "I'm the Poker Monkey, and I A-P-P-R-O-V-E this message" huh? I APPROVE??? This message? Who started that? What kind of English is that? I think this damn thing started about 5 or 6 years ago. And I think it was that hotdog head, John Kerry. Shouldn't it be "I'm Poker Monkey, and I approve OF this message" or "I'm Poker Monkey, and I approvED this message????" Right?

But second...I just finished (because there was just a TWO DAY DELAY between this entry and the one two paragraphs up. Oh yes, and of course TONS of additional tales to tell) watching Michael Phelps win his EIGHTH FREAKING GOLD medal of this Olympics...and I have to say, despite the Chinese and their scheming little ways...this has been a pretty incredible Olympics so far. Watching the ladies in gymnastics, and all the swimmers really, has made me feel a sense of American pride I hadn't felt in a while. Its been nice. Almost makes me want to go work out and get in shape!

Oh and lastly...just want to give my PROPS to The Beau Rivage. Despite the fact I have been getting my clock cleaned in there for the last two weeks...I still have to show my love in a couple of areas. They are listening to the players. The structure changed on those 10,000 chip weekly tourneys...where there was NO ante until the 600/1200 level (which is asinine) they changed it now so that the antes start at 150/300. In just a week, those tourneys are playing a LOT better. The turnouts for the guarantee tourneys (30K at start of month, 15K at middle of month) have been huge. No chance of overlays in THEIR guarantees! Too bad for us. I would like to see them close a couple more cash games down though to get people in and not make them come in late as alternates. I'm not sure of the revenue stream that gets interrupted by doing that, not my area of expertise, I just know that when you get everyone in...they tend to drop about 4 players per half hour...so in two hours or less, you would have two tables returned to cash game. Which is 20 players...which is about how many alternates we continue to get. This upcoming event...that starts Aug 26th...is going to kick ass. I don't know if you all have seen the blind structure and starting chips for these events...but they are GREAT! You can go the www.beaurivage.com and click on poker room, tourney, etc...and click on "tourney rules" and it shows a structure sheet. Very cool. I'm very fired up for this event. And with Johnny, and Eric and the dealers they are bringing in...I think its going to run real smooth!

Ahhhhhh okay, the TWILIGHT ZONE>>>>YA READY!!!!????

I decide, I am going to go into the Beau, after last night's craziness (wed. night) and be real mellow, low key...and slap on my iPod and just chill. Not talk to anyone if I can help it. And on the way in...I even smoked me up a nice fat bowl. I mean I went in there so cooooooool. I'm late, as usual. Thank god poker isn't a job where you get fired for being late. i would SO be fired. Its not like I don't TRY to make it on time. I don't know, something just ALWAYS seems to delay me. It was like that back when I HAD a real job. I got fired a lot for being late all the time. There is a long running debate that people who are always late are inconsiderate, self-centered, irresponsible. They don't respect other peoples time. Wow. Am I ALL those things? I don't feel that way. Sheeeesh.....tough crowd! Well, I know poker MUST be my calling then! Cuz late, is GREAT!

Until you try to sit down...and OLD, GRUMPY GRANDPA next to me first will NOT move even an INCH to allow me to sit down. Then when I politely ask him....LITERALLY, "Hi sir, excuse me, would you mind terribly just giving me a couple inches so I can squeeze in here?" "OH JEEZUZ CHRIST!!!! grrrrr....rrrrrrr.......rrrrrrr......ggggrrrrrrr" Huh? WTF? A while later....I misplay a hand...and mad at myself, I kind of pound my fist on the table...not hard, not hard at all. THe dealer is pitching the cards for the next hand...and his first card slides over the top of his very small stack of chips...and shoots over the rail on the table. This happens at the same, or close to the same time...that I am thumping the table. Well he decides to make this a NATIONAL CRISIS! He insists that because of me his card (a 3 of diamonds...btw) went off the table! I got a "Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD" for that one. The dealer calls the floor over. Heeerrreee's Robin, and its funny because I almost think when she arrives that she knows EXACTLY what is going on. He goes on this tangeant...and it culminates when he says "He has said three offensive things to me already and I'm tired of it!" Well Omar was at the table and his eyebrows shot up at the same time MINE DID. I said to the guy "Sir, are you nuts? Seriously...if you are insane, I will just let you be...but if you ARENT crazy...then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!???When and HOW did I offend you? What did I say to or about you!??? NOT A THING. If you can think of those three things TELL HER THEM. DOnt just say I said THREE OFFENSIVE remarks to you and then not cite even ONE of them!" YOU LYING OLD PEICE OF SHIT! I did LEAVE THAT out! Of course he couldn't cite one. We got the standard... "You two please stop talking to each other" result. I went over to Robin and gave her the play-by-play and she pretty much laughed. Well, it would get worse...and I think, FUNNIER.

WHO REMEMBERS K7 spades guy...from the Saturday that I got 4th place a couple weeks ago? Well, I was in seat 4...and unbeknownst to me...K7 DONKEY GUY was in SEAT 6. I had about two hands involving me where I tried to get him off a hand and he just KEPT ON CALLING. And winning. And I'm like...jeeez how does this shit brain keep making these calls? Then I watch him make utterly horrendous plays against other players. I still am not making the connection on who this moron is. Then he lets the CAT OUTA THE BAG! Reeeeeeeeeooooooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!! (that's the sound of cat being released, angrily, from 'the bag')
I am busy talking about someone's hand, not sure what went down...I wasn't being critical but merely observer role....but Six Seat suddenly blurts out "I dont know who YOU are to talk about sucking out! I should have knocked you out of that tournament last week (it was actually two weeks, but I think he must be reliving it every day and cant be MADE to believe it was TWO weeks ago!) if it wasn't for you sucking out on me!" I looked at him...and just said "Oh my god! That's YOU? KING SEVEN SUITED GUY FOR $4800 chips guy!!!????" "WOW, I cant believe you are even sharing that at a table where you wouldn't want people knowing you are that kind of player!! You are seriously still thinking about that hand!??? Dude, you called an UTG raise first of all...with it....the mighty K7....then another guy calls...and I re-raise 4800...which prompts the first guy to fold....and then...SOMEHOW...YOU CALL! You call off YOUR WHOLE TOURNAMENT with K7!!!!!!" "Yeah well, I was ahead of you...I turned a flush! (which if you remember gave me a set of 9's and I filled up on the river...while he was still celebrating thinking he had won, the idiot) and should have won!!!" I again reminded him that he called off HIS WHOLE TOURNEY PREFLOP with K7. But it just wasn't getting through to him. And by now the whole table, except for the Grumpy Old Man...is snickering. Well, now Old Jackass decides we are AFFECTING THE GAME now...as there is a little hand giong on at the other end of the table. He orders the dealer to call the floor, stating "Its against the tournament rules for them to be talking during the hand" among other things I cant even remember. I again had the "are you insane" conversation with him. By now the whole room was dialed into this little SPAT that I was having with FATHER TIME. Incidentally...me and Omar made a $5 Over/Under bet on how long Seat 6 would last in the tourney. It was 7:16pm...and set the time at 7:35pm...Omar took the over. Well, at 7:23 knucklehead raises UTG with QJ offsuit. He gets re-raised by middle position...and he calls. Of course. He ALWAYS calls. Well, the flop comes Q high and you can kiss his ass goodbye as he shoves all in and gets called by the guy holding KK. SHIP ME THAT FIVER OMAR!!!! Old GROUCH is giving us some weird look. Not sure what it means. Don't really care. K7 suited Seat 6 Donkey Boy is OUT! I order a couple of Perrier's...that's right...PERRIERS...that's WATER....from Wendy. They arrive. I am trying to tip her and she is trying to run away. I toss the chip on her tray. As this is happening I hear Mr Crusty say "I'll be so glad when he leaves this table!" Huh? I look at Omar...what was that? What did he say? Omar wont be the bad guy...he just shrugs his shoulders. I ask him..."what did I do now sir? why are you angry this time!!!???" You know what he says? "You guys think I am SO stupid! Well, I'm not an idiot! I know what you're up to!" Um...sir....yes....you ARE AN IDIOT! Just what the hell he was upset about, or talking about...or KNEW what we were up to...I have NO FREAKING IDEA! I just wanted to bust this guy so bad!

I FINALLY GET MOVED! OH PRAISE ALLAH! Wait. WHAT? ALLAH!??? Strike that! PRAISE ROBIN! For getting me away from that NIGHTMARE! Well....wait now, I get moved to another table...right next to...GRANDMA GRUNT! Who just happens to have a MOUNTAIN of chips! Ohhhhh gooooddddyyyyyy!!!! I playfully ask her "So are you going to take all of MY chips too!??" "if you want to give them to me!" Oh. Boy. Good times. Nice table move. 3 minutes into my arrival she almost freaks out as my foot (wearing flip flops) brushes her foot. "Can you PLEASE be careful not to step on my foot! (which btw is wearing a sandal/shoe with fully exposed foot) I have diabetes and I cant take any contact to my foot. So will you please not get near my foot!???" I said, sure...just scooted over, since we were down to 14 players and were 7 and 7 on each table. Then I asked her what the diabetes had to do with her feet, because I'm an ignorant moron and didn't know the connection and then tried to be, I don't know...charming....by goofing around with her, saying "yeah my feet are just real big and I'm just clumsey! I''m sorry" No no...not gaining any traction at all. Just give it up Monkey!

THE DEPARTURE!
I have around 13K in chipsl Granny Apple has probably 80K. A guy in early position limps in for 1600. She completes the blind. I am in the BB with QJ. In retrospect I probably should have just moved all in. But I didn't know anything about how this table was playing. And I didn't know at the time...but OLD LADY apparently was VERY loose, so pushing in there probably would have worked out for me. He might have called, but she SURELY would have folded her FREAKING J-5. FLOP comes Q-J-5..she checks...and I am going for a check raise, so I check too. He checks. DAMN it. A two hits the turn. She bets out 3000. I move all in. Other guy folds of course. She calls...turns over her hand. Two pair vs. two pair. DONT DO IT! FIVE ON THE RIVER......son of a BITCH! Out 14th. I do ONE good thing. I WALK PAST THE CASH GAME and go HOME!

UPON REFLECTION...

You know...what is the deal? What is it about me? How can I just walk into a poker room, sit at a table...with every intention of being INVISIBLE...and yet still finding someone who wants to just KILL ME? Now I understand when I am ACTING nuts! When I go LOOKING to needle people. In Vegas, I go play those midnight tourneys at Ceasers and I just RAISE HELL! And I do it on purpose. And I LOVE pissing off the STICKS IN THE MUD players. But HOW! HOW!!!!??? When I go there as calm, half baked, quiet guy...and STILL piss off that player? I don't get it. Okay..........

I did NOT play Friday. Me and Squirrel stayed up all night watching movies. Just watching movies. I then discovered my new Blackberry Curve out on the front doorstep. TMobile strikes again! Hey whenever you are ready for a new kickass phone, and don't want to pay what they are asking for it (always too much) just find another cell carrier that is offering a better deal, call customer care...and throw that in their face. It helps if you have been a customer for, say...7 years. Three times now...I have come out with the phone I want, for the price I WANT to pay..and got hooked up with a better calling plan! Well, the phone was out on the porch, we found it at 3am. I decided to give Squirrel my old Blackberry, and as I am trying to make the switch...discover my new phone is FUCCCCCKED up! NO! Spend hours on the phone with their support dept, run all these tests, download software updates....MY GAWD....before they FINALLY decide its a dud! This is at 6:20am! Now I have to go the next day, UPS it BACK TO THEM...and they will send me a new one. One good thing, I now know EVERYTHING about that phone. The guy I was talking to tells me...I have NEVER, EVER heard of this happening with this phone! Let me tell ya all something...my whole life, I don't care what it is, where it is, what is got to do with...if there is something that has NEVER happened, or NEVER happpens....it HAPPENS TO ME! I will be the FIRSt in everything having to do with SHIT THAT WONT WORK RIGHT! Cars, stereos, phones,women,DOESNT MATTER!

( I am watching Womens Beach VOlleyball right now....its almost UNbearable. Wow. Its really NOT fair!!!!)

Anyway...Blackberry guy the next day, as I am explaining the situation...tells me "yeah I always seem to be the guy who the weirdest things happen to, just like you!" What? There is two of us? No way! maybe we are related!

The rest of the day was spent trying to win a bet with Hod, who is the Photo Editor or something for Rounder Magazine. BTW, the new issue just hit the stands...it looks really great. The chick on the cover is HOT as shit. But on the flip side.....oh you know what? Never mind that. I keep forgetting that a LOT of people are reading this now. (allegedly) There is a pic of me in there and I look HORRIBLE. Like I had been up for three days and just crawled out of bed. Wait, I guess that's almost an oxymoron isn't it? Anyway. Side bet. I started the day on Pokerstars with $22.05. Hod challenged me..saying I couldn't have my account up to $122 by Midnight ET. FINE! You're on! In between...since it was finally sunny, I was running out and mowing the lawn in sessions? Why? because I bought into two different .05/.10 games for $10 each. I had my balance on one up to $28 and the other up to $58....and didn't want to sit out for 3 rounds or it kicks you off the table. I was killing the table. So I would mow for about 20 minutes at a time before I finally got it all cut. Well, of course...as we were almost two hours from the deadline and me sitting at $105 after cashing a $5 sit n go...then winning a $5.50 16 player Heads Up tourney...for another $30....I get ass-raped again by pokerstars. I have trips and the guy with QQ hits his Q on the river to crunch me. Then I have A3 and am looking at a board of A-3-A-7-9.......and get it all in with a guy who just HAPPENS to be sitting there with A7. No way. KILL ME! I lose the bet. I ship him the $20 I lost...and go take a bath. A nice...long....hot....bath.

And I go to bed......to get a nice long night of sleep....so I can go the Beau Rivage for Saturdays $230, $15k guarantee at noon! I need a win............