Monkey Tuesday

Lord...why is it that people who are hired to do a simple task will make it seem like the hardest thing ever attempted? I just had another delightful experience at The Hard Rock Casino. They should really start calling it Rock and A Hard Place Casino...because everytime I go there, that is what it seems like every Executive decision that they are forced to make comes down to. ITS NOT THAT HARD!

Cheryl and I get invited to go see comedy...it was her night off. The night before was her night off too. We went in there to play cash game. It did not go well. This guy raises $12. He ALWAYS raised $12. I had K8 of diamonds...and frankly, was sick of folding to this clown, only to hit the flop about 35% of the time. So I called. The flop comes 844. He bets $40. That smelled like horseshit to me....so I raise him. I had $140 left at this point....so I put it ALL IN THERE. He squirms around in his seat...and says "Oh I guess you DID get some of that" to which I reply..."Well, I certainly am not bluffing my WHOLE stack with nothing man." He claims that he is about to make a terrible call...yet he does it anyway. Turn is a 5. The river is a 6. What does he turn over? 66. That's right....666....the Devil....is BACK again!!!!! And he announces...."Trip sixes" to which I reply....actually you have a set...and excuse me for asking...but what the FUCK were you thinking when you made that call? I mean, I'm not trying to be rude, ugly or berate you...I just really, truly want to know what is/was going on in your mind that would make you call there? If you don't mind my asking? They never give us a good answer though do they? But wouldn't it be great if they could? Just ONCE? Oh anyway...wasn't really talking about that night....not sure how I thought about it, probably because I was already irritated walking back in there. We meet at the center bar...get a drink...lose $40 playing video poker...and make our way to meet our friends inside of Vibe.

Upon arriving at the door...we encounter the door guy who greets us with "Hey, you guys cant come in here with those!" Referring to our drinks. How nice, and what a pleasant greeting. I said..."that is fine, however...can you tell me the reason? Out of curiosity...since this IS one casino with ONE roof, yeah?" "yeah man I know what you mean...they don't tell me a reason...just that I'm not allowed to let anyone in here with outside drinks." Ummmm hmmmm....okay, very nice. Very hospitable. One of the other girls with us, who is a bit like me...edgy...says "You know it would be okay if they could just be a little more nice about it, instead of just jumping up our ass and telling us we cant bring these in here!" Yeah...I couldn't agree with you more.

So we get in there...and we wait...for half an hour...for a waitress. NOPE. Not happening. So we go to the bar to get our own drink. We order two margaritas. Squirrel wants one of the big glasses...and is told that they aren't allowed to use those glasses. That they are only for 'restaurant use.' HUH? Then another girl orders wine...and I see these big beautiful wine glasses on the back bar....but oh no! That glass of wine will be served in a soda glass. NICCCCEEE! Same reason I'm assuming. You see, this place is a combination restaurant/club...and when its a club..you get charged premium prices for a drink but are forced to drink it like you're at an outdoor concert. That is awesome. Well we get our drinks and are standing there watching the opening act...or maybe he was the MC, I'm not sure...but he was DYING on stage...and it was obvious to EVERYone...not just the 'comedy savvy'. I felt bad for the guy...but my gawd...get off the stage dude before people start throwing fruit!

The Comedy thing; I guess they started doing it every Monday. Its a good idea. There was actually a nice crowd there. We brought 15 so that helped. The two acts who performed were both good. Not sure where they were from...but they both seemed very experienced and everyone laughed, so its worth checking out again. The drink situation though...holy shit. Finally a girl comes by to take an order. Squirrel orders another margarita. The girl looks at me...I say "I will have one also"....she leaves. She returns 20 mintues later with ONE. FUCK! She tells me "$9" and I say...is that for both of them that I ordered or just this one? Hereeeee we go. Of course you didn't hear me...may I please have one. Sure...$18. She wants it up front. GREAT! I give her a $100. She leaves. Oh...guess I will get my change later. She is about 10 feet away at another table, and the girl at my table asks why I didn't get my change? I say "well, I am assuming she didn't have enough to make change...I sure hope she doesn't think I am leaving her an $82 tip!" Me and the guy sitting next to me then decide its time to bus our table. I figure one or two empty glasses/bottles is acceptable in this environment....but you reach your breaking point when there is no longer a place to put your car keys on the table, let alone your cell phone! So we make two runs each to the bar with what amounted to two bus tubs full of empty drinks. Classy joint!

I go do a lap of the room, Squirrel was in the bathroom. Decided to just go get my drink at the service bar. I walk up behind the waitress.....and hear her...LITERALLY hear her...talking to the other waitress..."and the fucking douchebag says...I hope she doesn't think that was a tip!!! What a fucking asshole!" I tapped her on her shoulder...and it was VERY funny. Kind of that look your little brother made when you walked into his bedroom and caught him jerking off when he was 13. Or that face someone makes when they KNOW they just stepped in dogshit...and have NO way of getting it off! And are late getting to an important meeting! It was priceless. I didn't go off...no no, instead, I very calmly said to her..."You know sweetheart, as a rule, when you are disparaging your guests...it might be a good idea to first make sure they aren't standing right behind you listening to every word....." and I walked over to the other side of the bar...where two of Squirrel's friends had witnessed the WHOLE thing! They were in stitches, and telling the Bartender...who used to be, and might STILL be...the beverage manager, what just happened. Wow! I went back to the table. A couple minutes later a totally different waitress came over with my drink....and $18...and an apology. Well, okay. Good effort. But can we please put the guilty party out of everyone's misery? Two of the girls who were there the week before said that the same waitress who called me names was talking shit about EVERYONE in there...and her choice of words for everyone last week was....that all time favorite that rhymes with PUNT. Whoooooaaaaaa.....maybe someone needs to find a new line of work!!!!???? Ya think???? The night wasn't over.

The comedy ends. We leave. Everyone wants to play poker. We go to the poker room. There are TWO tables open. One limit...and one No Limit. There are 5 names on a list. There are 5 of us who want to play. They have NO other dealers. You gotta be kidding me. Put us on the list. We go to the Middle Bar..whatever its called. I call it the Good Place to Lose Your Ass Drinking and Playing Video Poker Bar. Half an hour goes by. We walk back to the poker room. Sorry...still no openings. And of course...still just two dealers.

Oh I almost forgot...during the comedy show....there was this couple, lets call them...well....I will be nice. The lady...who ran about 340 maybe...was the one who wanted to be heard EVERY time the comedian said or asked something. The greatest one was when he was asking "where's my Rednecks" and her and her husband shot their hands up in the air and started what I guess you would describe as a Rebel Yell. Wow....if watching Jerry Springer doesn't make you feel better about your life...then looking at these two hicks surely would.

I get bored with sitting around drinking and decide to go play 3-card poker. The lady dealer is pretty cool. We are winning a little bit. Then I get invaded...by Squirrel and three of her friends. Okay. That's fine. Then my dealer gets relieved by his breaker.....a dude. An overweight, balding, no personality-having dude. By this time I am on margarita number...mmmmm lets call it 12. The girl next to me...I dont know one time I needed one of her cards, she needed one of mine, and we were joking about it. Bobby Personality snaps at us...all serious like...like maybe the CIA was about to come swooping in if we didn't watch it! "YOU CANT TOUCH ANOTHER PLAYERS CARDS!!!!!!!" alright, easy there scrappy! Then a while later, we had both put our cards down with our bets...two winners we hoped. He turned his over...and I was trying to remember what she had and when I went to peak (yeah yeah I know, Im not ALLLOWED...keep in mind here kids, I am a little drunk) and dude goes FUCKING NUTS! He calls the floor guy over. Floor guy tells me the rules, I acknowledge them and say I'm sorry. Floor guy leaves, Personality Paul makes some other comment, which causes me to make another comment...and he calls the FLOOR again! Yeah...CALL the floor you schmuck! Business in here is SO good, and you are MAKING so much money, that its a great idea for you to PISS us all off and run us off the table! Floor guy comes over, he tells him "I'm gonna have a problem with this guy"...I start laughing! I'm like..."wow, HE is going to have a problem with ME! ME would be the one spending money and tipping...HE would be the one with the terrible attitude who has done nothing but crawl up my ass since he got here!" At this juncture two of her friends ask to cash out! It was at this time...that you would MOST like your better half to kind of come to your rescue...at least defend you...at least don't THROW YOU under the bus! But no...that's what mine did...jumps all over me about MINDING the dealer, about NOT being rude to him....ohhhhhhhh noooooooo......that's it......IM OUTA HERE! So I just grab all of my chips....and BOLT! Left her there. Went home. Won a couple sng's on Stars...then lost 8. Then passed out. Then woke up at 4am to her and her smashed friend stumbling in...missing her cell phone. I end up driving her friend home...coming home...and sleeping in the guest room. GREAT NIGHT!