The Ultimate Beat.

It is 12:10am.

The Main Event is probably now down to about 14 players.

At 11:35pm, my tournament ended. After 11 hours of play.
With ACES. I didn't get cute. I didn't limp. I didn't min raise.

In fact, under the gun, I raised 3 times the big blind. Two doors down, was Dan Walsh, a guy I have been buddies with for about two years now. Dan had just managed a couple of huge double ups before coming to my table with around 90K. I raised with 28K...and still needing to chip up to get to average (about 35K). On our previous break, I had talked to Dan out in the hall...about strategy the rest of the way, and about the other players at our table. Dan told me, and I quote, "if YOU raise Monkey, I am only going to play back at you with TWO hands....AA or KK...." so when he started eyeballing me after I raised UTG...I literally told him "Dan, I have the kind of hand that I will give you $100 to re-raise me with!" That isn't new for me, I say things like that all the time, to everyone. Obviously, I wasnt afraid of getting action holding AA! In a tourney here last year, I raised UTG with AK and when it folded around to the BB I offered him $100 to put me all in. HE DID! With A4d. He made a flush. Talk about embarrassing. I had to laugh though...I got what I deserved! Well, in this case, it was a little bit of both...sort of my warning shot across the bow, as well as an invitation to double me up. I know that Dan percieves me as a VERY tight player...especially this LATE in the tourney and this CLOSE to the money. And him telling me (maybe he was kidding, or setting me up, who knows) he would only re-pop me with AA or KK was interpreted by me as him not wanting to donk off the chips he had just acquired. At 90K he was in really good shape. No idea what was going through his head when he looks down at JJ and decides to push on me. No idea at ALL. I have always thought that Dan was a bit like me...when I get chips late...and it is way above average, I go to great lengths not to lose them. Whats ironic is that in the previous round I had just folded JJ in the BB...to an UTG limp, and a late position raise. The raiser on that hand showed QQ. Another big/good laydown.

So what does he do? He puts me all in. Great right? Remember two weeks ago at the Beau Rivage...when, at the Final Table I raised, and dude looked down at JJ and moved in on me? And promptly flopped a JACK? Remember that? First place that day was $4500. First place today? $104,000. In a year where I have been getting SLAUGHTERED.

I have just played maybe my best tourney of the year. 122 players started. In the first two levels I got AA, KK, AK, AK, JJ, JJ, and QQ. I won all of them all except the two JJ. I still only had 14k to show for it. We had us an old guy, GENE...you would know his face if you saw it....COULD not be expunged for the life of me. I doubled him up shortstacked with my KQ vs. his 69 offsuit. Then he moves on me again behind my AK raise....his 77 gets called by me....I flop a K....he rivers a damn 7, and instead of having 15K right there...I drop to 4500. I keep it together. I work my way back up to 13K again. He continues to get low and suck out on the river with his banzai all in plays.

Finally, after the dinner break, he busts out. THANK YOU! Now maybe I have a chance. I get QQ and raise UTG. Middle position guy moves all in. I tank forever, and finally fold. Face up. He shows me QQ. Great. I still don't tilt. I pick up a couple more hands to raise with. I keep hovering around the average. They are dropping like flies. I start ordering Red Snappers. I am feeling it. Things are coming together. I get JJ. Guy behind me raises. I move in on him. He folds to me...shows 99. This is it. Things are clicking. Everything is FINALLY going to come together. I am going to keep picking up pots. People are going to continue to lose. Before I know it...we are going to be down to the Final Table. I am going to go home...all excited. Get some sleep...prepare for tomorrow. Go back all fired up with a chance to win 100K!

So, Dan...my buddy, goes against his claim...and moves all in on me. I am obviously not folding AA. He turns over JJ. Can I fade the two outer? Can I double up to around 70K? Which would put me in GREAT shape 11 from the money! Can I possibly FADE this one time and get 2009 back on track?

What do YOU think?

Another dealer who is on my Facebook...Jim Peck...slides the flop out...and its Q-J-5. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do I hit an ace on the turn or the flop? Of course not. And that feeling befalls me, the kind where you feel like someone just ripped out your insides. I collect my shit. I don't even look at Dan, who I want to KILL right now. I am filled with so many emotions I can even describe them. I go down the escalator, and just fall to my knees.

I just do NOT get it. WHY? Why is this happening? Over, and over, and over this year? What did I do to deserve this? Who did I screw over? What act of bad karma did I commit? I go find Squirrel, who is working in craps. To let her know the bad news. I fight off tears. I know that sounds totally gay. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I am completely devastated by this one.

So...here I am, sitting in my bed, with NOTHING to cling to that will make me feel better. I was having the perfect day. Had a great table. Never got moved, not once. Had a great table image. Got great hands to play. All my laydowns were good ones. All my calls were good ones. Had a fun time cutting up with Johnny Groomes all day. Everything just seemed so perfect. And then I get two freaking outed by JJ. Again.

My backer is on a plane right now...flying back from Spain to the US...after her 2-week cruise. All I could think about was sending her a text message "WE ARE AT THE FINAL TABLE!!!!!!" But instead she gets this crap. Again. I wonder how much of this she will take before she gives up on me.

To those of you who sent me your encouraging emails and texts all day and this past week...thank you. It does mean a lot. I think I may go into hiding for a few days, maybe a week. Who knows. I don't think I have much else to say....other than this. Whoever put this GINORMOUS CURSE on me, please tell me what I have to do to get it taken off of me!!!! Please!!!!!!

MONKEY

GUT CHECK TIME.

There are times in a person's life when they have to remember why they started doing whatever it is they do that brings them joy. What motivated them to get into it. What it is about what they do that they strive for in the long run.

I have had this mental battle with myself all week in regards to poker. I have had SO many conversations with fellow players about how my 2009 is going. I have sat, alone...and reflected with myself on what it is that I have done to deserve the kind of year I am going through so far. I don't get it.

I left the Beau early in January, fulfilling a promise to my Mother to be with her in her time of need. Trying to be a good son. I come home and go to Tunica. I get clobbered. One bad beat after another. Win just enough while I am there to confirm in my mind that I actually have a clue what I am doing. Then the Super Bowl KILLS me. I get rivered in the Mega on the last night close to a seat. The next day we lose our baby.

I come and sit at home. We both fight through a bit of depression. But then we decide to try and go play in Tunica again. I run into the same band of donkeys. Start, and fill a barn. Take one bad beat after another. Can't get people off of hands. Win enough, again...to think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...but not enough to make any money, or make my backer feel like her horse is 'Derby Eligible.' I come home, again...licking my wounds.

Then this event starts. I come out on fire. Start with a day at the IP spa. Feel good. Playing good. Win 7 out of 12 Sngs early. Making the final table in the 2nd event. Was this the event that I finally break out? Make some money? Make my backer smile, while she is on a long European Vacation? Sure was hoping so...

But then, I went into the longest, most frustrating tailspin of my poker career, with the exception of the New Orleans trip in the fall of 2007. That was the biggest nightmare of my life, never to be eclipsed I don't think. It would be too hard to detail all of the hands. And frankly, what's kind of odd, is that I haven't really lost SO MUCH money. I hear a bunch of guys talking about how they lost a few tourneys and a few sit n gos, but then tried to get it all back by going down to the 2/5 table and losing 5k or more...and it gives me that feeling that, 'you know, as bad as I am running right now, at least I am not putting my financial security at risk by going nutso and trying to chase it all down with drastic measures.' So I KNOW things could be worse.

Yes, it SUCKS to not be winning any money. Yes, it SUCKS to not be cashing for my backer. The worst part though...is LOSING. And how I am losing! On one night last week, I lost TWICE with a nut flush when the other players BOTH made STRAIGHT FLUSHES. On that same night, Heather the destroyer rewards AK guy with two KINGS against my AA to whack me 4th in a SNG. It was a week of losing with straights against flushes, boats against bigger boats, sets vs. bigger sets. Flop top set only to lose to a guy who flopped a flush (only 112 to 1 to do that BTW) to knock me out of a nooner. There is really nothing much to say other than its been one of those weeks where you just want to go hide somewhere.

I have this reputation as this guy who when he comes to the table adds a little life to the table. I almost feel obligated to entertain the table at times. And in the last couple days, I just have been very subdued. Several players are like 'Monkey, what the hell is wrong with you!??' Its funny, at times people will say things like "Wow, Monkey do you ever shut up!?" But then when I do shut up, and escape to my iPod...they miss me. You people are so damn fickle!

I have to admit...I am feeling incredibly depressed right now. And to make it worse, I am catching hell at home from Squirrel. I would like to think sometimes that she would understand where I am in my head and just try to be a little understanding...but she has only made it worse. Why did I come home so late? Why am I so moody? Why can't I just take a day off? It's very easy to do this poker gig when things are going good. And the woman at home is always a lot easier to please when you come home happy, excited and dropping some money on them 'just because.' I guess every job in America is like that, though, huh?

I did take Sunday off, and was glad. The field in the 1k was very small. And there was a lot of value (a ton actually) in the Sunday tourneys on Stars. I hadnt played on there in over a week, and thought maybe I would find some luck. WRONG. As bad as things had been running in the live tourneys...they only got WORSE online. I played about 2o MTTS (cashing in only 4 of them) and about 10 SNGS, cashing NONE of them. I would get big chip stacks in about 80% of them...only to get deep and then clobbered by sick ass beats. You know, it would be one thing to question how you played a hand...and think maybe your game was screwed up somehow...but there are just SO many times you can CLEARLY get it in good, in correct fashion...and get popped by 2 or 3 outers to lose all or nearly all of your chips. If someone can tell me how, with 22 left (paying 18) and a guy raising at cutoff (with 15K) to 2400 (at 300/600) and me re-raising to 6000 (with 17K behind) holding AA....only to be RERAISED ALL IN...by the guy with AJh....calling (correctly I'm pretty sure)...only to watch THREE HEARTS come out on the flop.....how it is I SHOULD have played that....to avoid getting, AGAIN....drilled....I am open to advice!

My online session that day would end up leaving me even more irritated and depressed. Then to close out the day Squirrel and all her girlfriends would end up here from 11pm to 5am playing cards and screaming all night while I engineered my annual Masters' Pool...which starts on Thursday.

On Monday night, I was real excited. I had a chance to win my SWEET 16 pool. Which would have netted me $145o. I needed Michigan State to win. Yeah, that went well! Then I had done a TITLE GAME SQUARES BOARD, similar to a Super Bowl Grid. $50 a square. While the game was going on, I was playing the Stud 8 or better tourney...one of my favorite games, and detroying it. With two tables left...okay I am not going to hide the fact that there were ONLY 20 players in this thing. Doesnt matter, if there were 50 or more I think I would have STILL made the Final Table. I love stud. Its the perfect game for someone with ADHD! Well, I had Suede Jacket Johnny working the floor and I had him sweating my numbers on the grid, for a 5% sweat fee. Just when it looked like my two numbers were about to win the 4th quarter for $1700...Michigan State fights for a game ending, meaningless layup...missing the jumper, getting the rebound...missing the put back...getting the rebound...NO NO NO....and then making the layup. Son of a ..........

Then, with 5 left in the stud tourney...I get rivered by this guy ...leading with two pair and a decent low...for a scoop chance...the guy rivers a freaking wheel to take it all, and leave me in bad shape. Then on the next hand I have FOUR to a nut flush, and four to a good low...and completely brick the next three cards...knocking me out 5th. For a whopping $400. On the other hand, I had a lot of fun...which was nice, since I had not been having a whole hell of a lot of fun all week. At the final table I was drinking Snappers with the 10+ railbirds who were watching and a couple of the other players at the table. There ended up being 3 guys at the table who were basically jackasses. One older player kept trying to get me 'reprimanded' for talking too much. TALKING TOO MUCH! "Make him be quiet!" I never skirted the rules. Not close. Simply guilty of having too much damn fun. Then I guess I was 'languaging it up' a little too much...John simply asked me to 'tone it down' which I completely agreed to do. Well, when I got rivered on that big hand, I mumbled under my breath something to the effect of "jeeezuz...drawing to seventh street with nothing and hits the miracle....fuuuuuuck me....." and dude on my left about jumps out of his chair...."He swore! He Swore!" You gotta be kidding me? Like a 6th grader. John (God love him) tells the guy "He wasn't directing it any of the other players sir, he was just disappointed in the hand, its not a penalty."

What a jerk. So I just sit there staring at him. Didn't say a word. So he says to Me...."why are you staring at me!?" "I'm sorry man, I cant help it...you are just so damn good looking I can't help myself." That might have tilted him a little bit. Incidently, the guy is ugly as sin. Not that I go that way...pretty sure you ALL know that!

I have had another fun little chapter develop in the LIFE OF A POKER PLAYER/POKER BLOGGER. To read this stuff is ONE thing. To comment is another. To comment you have to have a user name. Well, the other day...(I get my emails sent to me on my Blackberry) I am in a tourney...and I start getting all these messages, from a user who has given himself the name of THEPOKERMONKEYisDEAD. Cute eh? Well, he has read almost every post, and is shooting me these insidious comments after each. Wants to re-hash the whole 2+2 nightmare. Like we ALL didn't already KNOW the deal with all of THAT crap. Then he tracks my stats on Pokerstars and wants to tell me what a garbage online player I am. How bad I am. But when it got really good was when he told me he was going to kill me. That he was going to show up at an event and beat my ass. Hmmmm.

I took the high road. I sent him a reply, simply thanking him for reading all my articles, for taking the time to comment. Told him he appears a little 'unbalanced', agreed with him that I run bad online. Exlained a bit about the 2+2 nightmare. But also told him that hiding behind a computer and making empty threats were a little immature, and maybe foolhardy. I never got a response. But then yesterday, I am in the Mega satellite, which I would end up finishing a disappointing 12th (8 winners....dammit) when BJ McBrayer and Nicolas (last name escapes me) inform me that there is some asshole downstairs in the cash game telling people he is there to kill me. That I better watch out. I dont know...do I fear this jerkoff? Do I ignore it? I decide to go look for this fucker. I tell all the people who work in the poker room why I am there, in case this guy DOES do something stupid. I dont go looking for a fight. I just want to see who this asshole is, and ask him what his problem is with me. And maybe get him tossed from the place for making violent threats against me. Cincere' and Robin both show concern and assure me I will given their support. Smart to do that, with as much 'attention' I seem to attract in almost everything I do. Well, I don't find the guy. And no one makes themselves known to me. So, whatever...I go home. And get some sleep. Just woke up around 3am, feeling restless, maybe a little apprehensive about tomorrow's main event....and realizing I hadn't made an entry in over a week. I was reminded by this about 4 times in the last couple of days. Sorry to those of you I 'let down' by not making an entry in a while. Frankly, I just don't feel so fired up to write when I am running bad.

Its like...you know, when I am running GOOD, the last thing I want to do is hear about people who are running bad, or even be around them. So why would I want to write about how BAD I am running? I guess I just feel sometimes, like hopefully by writing about this awful, awful week, it will release some of the bad mojo...allow me to clear my head, and go into tomorrow with a fresh outlook. I have had three or four guys tell me "You know Monkey, fate is just testing you...you have been getting run down all week because you are going to get deep and do well in the Main Event!" Man, I sure hope they are right! I locked up my seat last week in a Mega Satellite. It wasnt exactly like a clean win. We got three handed and the one guy...Dundee wouldnt do any kind of a deal...so I had to split the seat with the other guy. So with my other 4 attempts in the Mega during the week, its like I am buying into the Main full price now. I really, really, really need a good showing.

OH WOW...I almost forgot. Yesterday, I got a FaceBook request from Steve Frezer, who is running the poker tourneys over at Harrah's New Orleans. Sweet. I messaged him to PLEASE let me know what the structures are going to look like. I spent all week here going back and forth with Johnny Groomes about these structures. He is adamant that these structures were good. That they assured good play at the Final Table. That they assured a two day early finish. I just dont agree. So we agreed to disagree. Level 4 and Level 5 are just a nightmare. Unless of course you had 3 times the average stack...then YEAH...you are in GREAT shape! But every single tourney we are losing 30 to 40% of the field between Level 3 and Level 5. Thats just sick.

So anyway...Steve sends me the structures for New Orleans and they are sweet. At least I think they are. And the few people I told today agreed as well. $550 event. 8000 starting chips. 40 minute levels. 25/50, 50/100, 75/150, 100/200, 100/200 with 25, 150/300 with 25, 200/400 with 50, 300/600 with 50 and on up with similar increases. Same structure in the $300's with a few less chips and 30 minute levels. Awesome...I am actually excited a bit for that event now. I hope they make the Sit N Go's better too. Forgot to ask about those.

THE BARN is lacking donkeys. The Tunica Stable was overflowing. The feedback from all of you on the Barn has been great. I will be honest though, I have not encountered a whole lot of donkey's at this event....so the Biloxi stable is going to be a little light. My buddy Bob, the dealer...disagrees and tells me he has seen AWFUL, AWFUL plays...hmm...maybe I have just avoided those guys. Most of my beatdowns this past week have all been at the hands of Demon Dealers! Maybe I need to put some of THEM in the Barn!!!! My personal nightmare....David "Freddy" Kruger showed up late last week. Turns out, he and Cub got heads up in that tourney Cub won up in Iowa. When they got heads up, Cub was looking at 40K in chips to the 'Nightmares' 500k or so. Cub came back to win. So they both already had history before him and I did! All three of us would play yesterday's Mega at the same table. I also had Tyler at my table. A tough table for sure. I would end up crushing Kruger finally. On the first, he would raise me light in the BB. I looked him up with A8h. The flop came AA9. Nice. Check. He fires 4000, leaving 4200 behind (5000 in the pot) and I just moved in. He insta mucks. Then I raise 3500 (600/1200) in MP with A10 suited....he insta shoves 4000. Cub tanks a bit and folds...what he told me was J8. Hmmmm. Kruger has 99. I flop an ACE and it holds. Wow. Turning the corner against Freddy? He's actually really a nice dude. I like him a lot. And he went out to Rincon after Tunica and cashed twice there too...so its obvious he can bring it. I just hope to hell he isnt at my Main Event table tomorrow. I have a really good seat at least, Seat 6, my favorite...so maybe things will go good tomorrow. I sure hope so!

One more thing. At this event...there is a $550 MEGA satellite as the final event, to try and win a seat in the FALL Main Event at the Beau Rivage. Anyone finishing in the TOP 5 of any Final Table win a seat into this. So basically, there is $2000 being pulled from the prize pool of every tourney. The winner gets a seat in the Main Event. There has been a lot of grumbling by players with these, who can't make the event. I have been offered those vouchers for as low as $300, and will probably end up buying one of them. There is concern that the BEAU RIVAGE is keeping whatever money isnt represented by whoever doenst show up to play that mega satellite. Well, I wanted to put those rumors to rest, so I talked to Johnny and Ken Lambert about it. They were very forthcoming on the matter. However many vouchers are issued, those chips will be put in play. The money WILL BE in the prize pool...so conceivably, this could be the best play of the whole event. I could see where maybe 45 of those vouchers are issued. Maybe 20 or 25 players BUY IN....for a total of, say 65 entries. So there could be around 6 seats awarded to the $5000 event. You may have as few as 30 people play the event. To those guys who can't play the event, and can't find a buyer for their seat....sorry guys. It does kind of suck. But on the other hand, you got one by finishing in the TOP 5...so at least you made a nice little score to ease your pain, right?

Okay, I am going back to sleep. To my fellow players...good luck tomorrow. To my friends and family...please say a little prayer for Senor Monkey, as I really, really could use a good day tomorrow, if not for my wallet, my state of mind!!!!

MONKEY

Time for the Beau Rivage Stretch Run

When we last left off, I was going back to play the Final Table on Sunday.

It wouldn't last long. Before that though, I did my little attempted Back-to-Back move that I nearly pulled off last year at this event. Playing in the noon tourney to try and accumulate chips, go play the Final Table at 4pm...then return to my stack and go for two.

Well, that experiment went to hell. Not by any fault of my own. I was basically just card dead as hell. And the two races I needed to win I lost. So at 3 minutes to 4 and UTG with 1.5 BB's in my stack (pathetic) I decided 7s9s would be a nice 'live' hand to get it in with. BRICK!

Final Table time. Had my Final Table beads on. Had my Pokerstars Monkey sitting in his own chair in the bleachers, enjoying his own Bloody Mary. The players all arrived. Its funny how, typically you can sense the apprehension on players when they show up for the Final Table. I always feel very confident and relaxed now. I think maybe a few years ago, though I was the same way. Well, I was ready to make a deep run and maybe/hopefully win this bad boy.

Not gonna happen. On the first hand I pick up AK...raise, as announced by Johnny Groomes, as he tells the crowd "The Primate will raise under the gun....and take down the pot." 178K. Then 'it' happened. In the BB...Jacob (who would finish 2nd) min raises me from 3k-6k to 12k. Shannon Hancock (who would win) calls. I look at 3d5d and decide I have live cards, and a pretty good hand to play against Jacob Markowitz...who I play against a lot. I know he probably has a weak ace...something he can fold FAST if I (who they percieve as a super tight player) should happen to raise him big preflop. Well, I get what I think is a MONSTER flop for me, and don't want to run the risk of letting him catch up with me...as there is already over 40K in the pot...2h-3s-4d...and having him covered by about 40k, I move in behind Shannon's check. He insta-calls! OMG! He turns over Ace freaking FIVE....flopping a damn wheel! Turn is a 5 giving me way too many outs to either win or chop...but of course I brick the river and now am sitting in Shitsville.

Couple hands later I move it in with A4. Run into AK. Hit a 4 on the river. Double up to around 80K. Hmmmm...a comeback? Pick up 99. Raise. Get a walk. Now 100K. Go Monkey, Go Monkey! Then I make 'The Critical Error!' I somehow got it in my head that I could run over this table, so when I see Ac8c at UTG+1 I seem to think it would be a good idea to open for 25k with the blinds now at 4k/8k. Michael Fitch...who Groomes was calling Mike "Dont call me Fiotch" Fitch...shoves in with 75k. Great. In what is now about a 120k pot...I have a decision to make. Call 50k...and have a shot here at having a TON of chips, and hope he has like a small pair (very likely for this guy and how he's been playing) or something like KJ/KQ and I am at least AHEAD...or calling and running into a dominant ace...which would be the worst case scenario. Or do I fold (like a jackass) and leave myself with 50K...be the shortstack at the table...with no real chance of moving up in the money any time soon, and hope I can pull another miracle short stack comeback?

I decide to call. He has AQ. Ugh. Neither of us hit anything. And now I am back in Shitsville. I end up in the BB all in with something that didnt hit. Was too busy collecting all of my crap to recall what it was, I just know that they checked me down...and I was leading all the way to the river, when I lost to a Q or something. Out 7th. And very irritated. Since the money pretty much sucked there.

Well, the news since then has been pretty freaking grim. After my 7 for 12 start in SNGs...it has been a virtual bloodbath ever since. Pretty sure (without checking my logbook) that I have gone like 2 for 10 since. The tourneys have not gone a whole lot better, either the nooners or the 7pms. The Husband/Wife team of George and Heather continue to destroy me. In the last 48 hours I have lost on the river with them dealing to me 3 times.

FUN HANDS:

1. Wednesday Nights 7pm. Mr Aggressive (who had just doubled me up holding 77 vs his 33 a couple hands prior) makes a bad raise at cutoff with QJ offsuit. I immediately move in on him holding AQ suited. George throws a brick flop but with two hearts. Proceeds to roll out running hearts. I LOSE.

2. Wednesday night SNG...with Heather. Player raises at cutoff. I have 99. He is a pretty solid player, so I merely flat it. Flop comes 8-2-9. Yahtzee! I check. He moves in. I call. Of course. He has the 10 of diamonds (10-10). Running diamonds gives him a flush. PERFECT!

3. Thursday nooner. Holding only 3500 chips. Card dead all day. Level 4. Just had scintillating debate with Johnny Groomes about this structure from Hell, that has seen us consistently lose over 20% of the field every day at level 4 (150/300 with a 25 ante). We make a side bet on how many players we will lose this level, him making 16 the over/under. I of course take the over. (it would be 22) I believe Johnny now owes me his house. Not sure if he owes on just one mortgage or if there are several? Might have been a bad deal for me...but it IS on a golf course, and I COULD use some exercise. Future reference...if you are a tournament director, and want to make ME (and possibly some other DECENT players) happy...how about this? Instead of playing 40 or 45 minute levels and leaving out so many levels...can we please just play 30 minute levels...and go 25/25, 25/50, 50/100, 75/150, 100/200, 100/200 with 25, 150/300 with 25, 200/400 with 50, 300/600 with 50, 400/800 with 75, 500/1000 with 75, 300/600 with 100, 400/800 with 100, 500/1000 with 200? Would that really be such a tough thing to put together?

Anyway on to the hand. Here is the respect I've been getting. Dude limps for 200. Followed by four other limpers. I pick up KK on the button and make it 750. UTG calls. As does one other player. Flop comes Q-4-4, two hearts. UTG says "Monkey, I am going to bet enough to pot commit you." Hmmm...I see. Okay then. Other person folds. I simply move in. He thinks about it....and calls, holding 10h-8h. Interesting. Robbie is dealing. Robbie is one dealer who seems to like NOT busting me. He gives me a non-required K on the river. Now I have chips. Couple minutes later, I get my favorite K9, suited...in early position. And I am about to limp in. But then I don't! Five limpers for 300. The flop? J-9-9. The turn? K! Bet, call...RAISE. Call raise. Long story there...but I would have dragged about 8k. I suck. So very next hand? In the SB? I get the devil, K-10. Of clubs. Flop comes out...K-9-K. Whoa. Everyone checks. Damn. 7 of spades on turn. I check again. Finally someone bets 300. Other dude calls. Back to me. I make it 800. First guy folds. Next guy..holding another 3k...moves in. Jeezuz...what now? I dont think I can fold here. Did I let him hit a 7 holding 77? Nope..not so much. Just KQ! Lord. Back down to 3K. And I get, basically, blinded down to 2300. Guy limps for 400 (for about the 27th time since Ive been at this table). I have been laying down A3,A4,A7,A8,A9...behind limps...just not the hands I want to go broke with. So when I see my second favorite hand 6s-7s...I decide this is probably a pretty good hand to do battle with against some random paint. I move in. No one calls except this guy...a total of 2300 holding J-10. I flop a 7. I turn a flush draw. River? 10 of hearts. Son of a......... out!

4. Lets go play the 4pm Mega. I left this out. Couple of nights ago...I played the mega. 18 players. 2 winners. It was a total marathon, an 8 hour stress test. I would end up splitting a seat with another guy, who BTW had the WORST BREATH on the PLANET and was responsible for me making a couple of loose calls against, trying to bust him just so I could erradicate his dragon's wind from my life. And what sucked was both times I was ahead, once with Q9 (vs. his Q6) and another time with A9 (vs. his A4). I sucked out on this dude who thinks apparantly that he is the second coming of Crocodile Dundee. He even has "DUNDEE" etched on his shirt collar. He is a local though. 'Armadillo Dundee?' 'Possum Dundee?' Whatever, I cracked his AK with my KJ when we were 5 handed. We played 5 handed for TWO FREAKING HOURS! I left him with...literally, 900 chips! The blinds were 300/600. Idiot donkey on the button decided to raise to 3600 with this guy about to be all in (holding DEUCE FOUR OFFSUIT!) and I folded A5 offsuit. Well of course I hit an ace on the flop...button with KQ hits NOTHING...and our boy 'Raccoon Dundee' hits a 2 on the river to start his improbably comeback. Then I make a move that ends up smacking me in the mouth. Every time I have limped in vs. Dundee he has raised. So when I look down at AA I think...."hmmm..wouldnt it be nice to put this guy on the wall?" So what do I do? I limp in. What does he do? He freaking CHECKS! The flop comes out....5-7-5. Typically we like to pair the board holding aces, right? Sure...unless our opponent is holding 5-9. I double him up...and now he has a LOT of chips. Unreal. He would never lose his chips. Nor would he negotiate a fair deal for the 2 seats. No, No! He was fully committed to taking a full seat. So when the blinds got simply retarded...and me and the other clown with horrible breath were sitting on the same stack, and knowing one of us was about to leave with a very severe case of "I want to smash something into a million pieces-itis" I made a deal with him to sign for the seat (because someone HAS to take the seat) and give him $1300. So basically all I really won was a $900 discount on my Main Event entry. Which was why I decided to play another one...holding a seat I thought "wouldn't it be nice to win another one? So me and my backer can slap another $2700 back in our dwindling bankroll!"

So I take my seat. My buddy Robert "Westside Bobby From San Francisco" Smith is dealing. He had spent the previous week living in my guest room as he was in between gigs. First hand he gives me is 4-4. I make a striaght that I have to share with the SB holding 4-7. Second hand I get is As-10s. I lose. Next hand I get is 8-9 suited. Air Ball. Then I utter this gem. "Wouldnt it be something if you put me out on the fourth hand?" I really did say that. So what do I get in my hand? The same hand I just lost in the nooner with. 6s7s. I limp for 50. FIVE callers later the button makes it 250. Glen. Pony tail Glen. Sigh....oh Glen, what did you wake up with over there? AJ? Middle pair? I would have folded...until three others call..and I know the other two will too (implied odds)...so I call. And now we have a pot of around 1600. The flop comes down...and it looks magical....8s-9s-4s! Holy crap. FLUSH...with an open ended STRAIGHT FLUSH DRAW! Can NOT get TOO much better than THAT! Well, okay, it could have...the 4 could have been a 5, right!? I check. Other guy checks. Glen makes it 800.

SHAMWOW! Wait, does that make sense? No it doenst...I have just felt like using SHAMWOW all week. Ever since I saw that news clip that ShamWow boy got busted for smacking around a hooker!

I make it 1800. The guy behind me SHOVES! WTF? AND GLEN INSTA CALLS. AGAIN...WTF? Well, only thing I can think of is 'bigger flush' but there is NO WAY I am folding this, not with a chance to be sitting on 16K after the 4th hand. I could practically skate to the top 4 with that many chips this early. Well, guy to my left has As3s..hmmm...that was a pretty good hand to call 250 with. Whatever. Glen has 88, for a set. Okay, so...well, I need a 5s or a 10s dont I? Lets go deuce, deuce instead...giving Glenn a boat. Why not? I'm out!

5. Lets go play the 7pm again. Holding 3500 chips I call this dudes crazy all in for 2100 behind 4 limpers for 200 holding 10-10, a hand I hadn't lost with this week.(only because I don't think I have HAD it all week!) He has 88. I hold, and now have about 6500. Then I have a really weird situation. I pick up 66. In UTG+1. I decide to raise. Make it 650. This weird looking old dude, who always looks like he just found a giant turd on his living room floor (you know THAT look, right?) finally CALLS my raise. Then this guy Preston (the young one...there are TWO Prestons, one older, and this guy..younger, who always has a funky outfit on...he is like a modern-day John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, who I think just 'wants to strut') goes into this prolonged act of re-raising me. Okay Okay...I know, you have QQ or KK. Whatever. He makes it 1800 more. Well, before I can act...Mr. Turd on the Carpet acts out of turn and calls. Hmmm...okay, so I have a very unique situation here. I now KNOW this guy is calling, and isnt re-opening the betting. So I can call the 1800. The pot will be a very robust 7000+ with the option to get away from it after the flop and still have around 3200. Or, god forbid, I flop a 6 like I just did in a sit n go right before this to crack an over confident players' AA....and become the chipleader at the table. I decide its a good play to call. Old buzzard gets his last 1875 in....and we both call the additional 75. The flop comes all middle cards. Hmmmm....I check. Preston CHECKS. I think that he THINKS I flopped a set, and now...I WISH LIKE HELL I had moved all in, because the old fart has exactly what I THOUGHT HE HAS....AJ...and never hits. We end up checking it down...and I DO pick up a straight draw along the way. But he turns over QQ at the end and wins the whole pot. I dont know, I think the only time I win is if I shove on the TURN....and then maybe he still calls. Not sure. But he thought I definitely hit a set. CRAP. So now I have only 3500. Well, the worst (and loosest) player at the table raises to 600 in middle position. I look down at JJ in the SB and decide to try and trap this guy. The flop comes Q-4-4, two hearts. I check. I can fold here if he makes a large bet. But he checks. I'm good. 2 of spades on the turn...I move in for 2900. He thinks, thinks...and finally calls. Holding A6h. He rivers a damn 5 of hearts. Anddddd I am out of another one.

I play one SNG after that. And then I allow myself to get sucked into the ALWAYS CALL THE MIN RAISER in the BB trap. You all know how much I HATE the min raise. Well, yeah...1/2 he does it UTG....to 400. I call with Q5 (donkey). Flop comes Q-3-4 with two clubs. I check. He looks down at his cards, which is telling me he doesn't have a Q but is looking to see if he has clubs, which for some reason makes me think he has AK when he bets out 600. I move all in for 1200 and he calls, rolling over AA. Ohhh..hmmm..how nice. Thats it. Im outa here. I take Squirrel's advice and wrap it up early. Come home...watch a movie with her...and get a great night of sleep. It is now 8:15am. I have been writing this since 7am...when I woke up. Paid my bills, read some other peoples' blogs, none from OUR site...all very NOT INTERESTING at all...and decided to get caught up. I hope to GOD mine was at least three times more interesting than the crap I read from the others'.

So it's been another overall crappy week. This one after a VERY hot, and promising start. Its just been a very weird year so far. I don't think I am doing ANYTHING different than what I did LAST year when I ran so good. In fact, I think my game is stronger. I just havent been getting anything but BAD breaks. And at least now we have some good tourneys coming up that I hope people will show up for. The fields all week have been HORRIBLE. Very unexpected. I really thought we were going to have some big fields. Today's is a $340...and I know a lot of players came in last night. Then we have a $550 on Saturday, the $1000 on Sunday and the then Mega sat's all day Monday, which I plan to play and try and pocket more Main Event money....and the Main on Tuesday. A lot of opportunities still to make a big/decent score.

On a better note, it IS nice to see a lot of my buddies doing well. Shannon Hancock, a dealer at the Beau, a good player, and a long time buddy...won the one I final tabled. That was great for him. Allie won up at Foxwoods. Then Matt Brady turned around and won a couple days later. Clint Shafer took the first event down here. Then Bryan Lanoix came down from Baton Rouge yesterday and what does he do? He three-way chops the event yesterday for over 6K. He gets his AA cracked by freaking K8 three handed otherwise he would have also won the Main Event seat. That sucks big time. But still...a nice score after debating on whether to make the drive down at all. I think I told him not to be a wuss and get his ass down here. Guessing he's glad he did now! BJ McBrayer called me last night and I think he is headed down with some of his posse today too.

I think I will take a nice hot bath to start my morning, maybe pick up some Waffle House...and start todays tourney ON TIME for a change. Go in with a very positive attitude, continue making the old guys laugh (which I have been doing a LOT of this week) at my table, have some fun...and try to get back on track with a Final Table.

Have spent some fair amount of time with a bunch of dealers this week. Twice I have had very exciting meals in the Terrace Cafe with Jackson and his wife Justina...and Jennifer...the service in that place is ALWAYS lousy. I can't understand why they cant get things right in there, EVER. Prior to that they saw me at the blackjack table...which is where I will sometimes go if I have had a COMPLETE shitstorm at the poker tables. Why? You ask? Kind of a funny answer. Since you all know (I think you do anyway) that I pretty much totally avoid all casino games. When I run REAL bad in poker, it makes me feel better to go plop $200 on the blackjack table and lose miserably there...reminding me that there is something WORSE than losing at poker. But what complicates it is when I actually play on that $200 for 3 hours...have great conversation with the dealers when they join me and make me feel better about the crappy day I just had...and I cash out to go eat with them having made $12. Thats right...TWELVE DOLLAR PROFIT!

Another dealer comment, then I am going to take a bath. Only because I told him I was going to write about him. First of all..what is up with these 'bad times' name tags they made for the dealers? Its like they took the blanks to some Indian (the kind with the forehead dot) guy who had a Kiosk at the local second-rate mall and got them done for $1.20 a piece. They are awful. TINY print, terrible font. If I didn't know 95% of the dealers' names by heart I would never know them now. I just can't visually acquire a salmon from 300 yards in the air like an eagle can. Adam Nash is a good dealer. Up in Tunica they screwed up his name tag...to read A-D-A-A-M. So of course, I took to calling him SADDAAM. DUH. The guy NEVER talks in the box. I thought he was about the most boring dealer I had ever met. But a good dealer. Technically speaking. Sometimes when a dealer is in the box and won't give me anything in the way of conversation...I take that to mean they hate me.

Well, I had Adam at my table the other day when I decided to play the 4pm $340 limit Omaha hi/lo tourney. (another brilliant decision) I barely recognized him. He was chattier than me. He was funny. He was outspoken. A bit crazy. And a good player. When I told him my thoughts...he told me "well, when I am in the box, I am there to work. I don't think its very professional for me to act like this when I am working." Wow, I really respected that. Because I know myself...and you all know me...just how nutso I can be. I don't honestly think I could be the dealer in the box that he is. This guy has his act together. Now I just hope some stupid BS doesnt befall him...as so many good dealers seem to have happening to them lately.

Okay...believe this blog entry has begun to develop a pulse. I am going now, to get my game face on! Hope to have better news on my next entry!

MONKEY

IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST.....

I'm not sure...does anyone hear it?

I have a little hit meter that tells me how many (if any) people actually read my drivel. The numbers suggest that for me to get 6 days into this event at the Beau Rivage without posting a damn thing it would be somewhat irresponsible of me.

And the amount of information is STACKING UP at an alarming rate.

I hope you all got a chance to check out the BARN and found some humor and helpful/useful information there. This might come as a shock, but the number of candidates at this Biloxi event has been staggeringly low. Now, is that because the field at this event is staggeringly low? Or is it possible that there are just a LOT better players here? Or did all the Donkey's read my last post and decide they didnt want to become my latest 'poster child?' Its a tricky question.

Well, I could easily make this the longest blog entry ever. I mean...EVER. But it is 11:05, the tourney today starts at noon, and for the first time in three days I would actually kind of like to entertain the thought of catching a few hands in the first level.

I will make a ridiculous attempt to summarize. First of all, let me congratulate my buddy Allie Prescott, for taking down a nice chunk of change in a tournament up in Foxwoods. Then to follow that up, our mutual buddy Clint Shafer won the first event at the Beau, which I went out of 40th. Allie's moment to smile though was quickly replaced by a reason to smash all the glassware in his house when John Calipari decided to make the biggest blunder in college coaching history ever by leaving Memphis to go take over the most heavily scrutinized program in the nation...Kentucky. See how long THAT lasts! Allie lives and dies with that team.

Some highlights and lowlights of this week so far. Until I went 0 for 3 in SNGS last night, I was on fire this week. I was 7 for 15 before last night...so now we can make that 7 for 18.

I am having a LOT of fun. I have YET to recieve a penalty. The Villanova 5.5 second left layout made me a LOT of money, or should I say....KEPT ME FROM LOSING a lot of money...while still keeping a bracket alive. I did a full lap of the poker room, followed by a slide into home, and the worm...prompting security to visit the room and see if I needed to be removed. One of the floor supervisors let them know that it "was just Monkey celebrating...nothing to be alarmed about."

In a rush to get to the Beau Rivage...made the slight oversight of allowing my foot to put too much weight on the gas pedal...thus causing my car to accellerate at a speed that the officer found to be quite unacceptable, resulting in a ticket that SHOULD have actually required the Officer to place me in his cruiser and transport me to the local lockup until I posted bail. My shpiel (sic>) and my Florida Sherriffs Association card may have kept me from the latter. I have since slowed down.

The room at the Beau looks awesome. The final table area is impressive. So on the first night I walked in...I decided to try it on for size, sitting in the 8 seat, to which Carol (dealer downstairs) cries out for everyone to hear "Monkey, enjoy it, that will be the only time you get to the Final Table!" Mwwwwaaaahhhh ahhhh ahhhh ahhhhhh. Oh Carol, you are such a cutup.

There are some things that people are very upset about. When you win a satellite they pay you in Tournament buy in chips. Tradionally we are able to use the ones we win to buy into other SNG satellites. Not now. You may only use them for tourney buy ins. A way around that is to stand at the cage when people are buying them and trading them out. I talked to Johnny Groomes about it. He hates it, and knows its hurting the SNG business a little bit, but his hands are tied and he cant do anything about it. In all honesty, its really not THAT big of a deal, as long as people are just a little industrious about it.

A bigger issue (as far as I am concerned) is that the economic doom and gloom has made its mark on the beverage service side. I have made a very loud endorsement of the Beau Rivage and MGM in general for their continued efforts to satisfy the poker playing community's beverage needs, providing us with items like Red Bull, call brand liquors and our favorite shooters. Well, times are tough...and as a result the order came from upstairs to hose us. I mean its bad. NO RED BULL...unless you want to fork out $4 a pop for it. Hey! Just like good 'ol Satan, ahem...I mean...Harrah's. I guess at the last event their beverage cost was RIDICULOUS. Probably didnt help that the waitstafff would load up their trays with Red Bull (their highest cost item in the house per unit) and just stroll around giving them away like it was money. But now we are faced with the bottom of the bucket well brands on everything. And to make it worse, 94% of the waitstaff will acknowledge someone's request for a Absolute Tonic, Crown Ginger, Greygoose Screwdriver, etc etc....by simply saying "Yes Sir" when in fact they are getting Aristocrat Tonic, Black Velvet Ginger etc etc. Its a gross misrepresentation of the product...or a FARCE...whichever word you like the best.

I have to say though...I have been running quite well all week, and having a WHOLE LOTTA FUN, and getting EVERYONE involved with Red Snappers...all while tipping these girls VERY WELL, not just me either, we are all trading out tipping rounds....usually $10 a trip...I know these people are easily making over $100 a night just from me and my little poker posse...and there is a slight chance they may be sneaking us the good stuff. And if not, well, I am just going to choose to pretend that they are because it makes me feel better about myself and life.

I won't bore you too much with poker. In fact, I will make it pretty fast because it is now 11:24 and I still would like to at least play 15 minutes of Level 1.

First tourney....played pretty well. Got no cards. Made it to dinner break. $550 buy in. 204 players. Back from dinner, with 40 left and me holding only 8400 chips, I moved in with Q10d. Ran into JJ. Yikes. He flopped a set, I had open ended. I turned a STRAIGHT! He rivered a boat. OUCH. Done.

Second tourney...on Sunday. I played awesome. Got cards. Extracted great value with them. Mr. Aggressive raises...I flat with AA as I had planned to do if I EVER got AA/KK behind him. Flop comes 2-2-9. He has Q9. He donates 9k to Monkey. I am up to 45K. Then I get K10 donked. Guy min raises. I call in SB with 89d. So does BB. Flop comes 8-8-10. Nice. Check, BB checks. He bets 6000 and leaves 7000. I move in. BB moves in with small stack (holding 38) Donkey calls with his K10. Raul (my new NOT SO FAVORITE DEALER) puts a one-outer (4 seat had the other one) 10 on the river...to cut my stack in half. So no tourney chipleader for me. Later my KK holds up against too all ins with QQ and 99....and I am back about 50K. A while later...dude moves in UNDER THE GUN....17K (blinds of 400/800) with 7d9d. No idea what this guy was thinking...and when I see JJ...and its a fourth of my stack to call...I hate it, but have to. He turns a flush. My hat goes flying. I mean..I should have been chipleader of this thing wire-to-wire.

We play hand for hand for over an hour with 19 left. Then after an hour someone suggests we all pony up for the bubble. What? No! That should have happened AN HOUR AGO...before we killed two levels with this hand for hand crap! A semi-buddy of mine (Gilligan to those who know him) would finally bubble when his set of 8s (hit on the river) loses to the BB with 79 who made a striaght. Bummer dude. We go from 18 down to 10 really fast.

And then we move to....duh duh duhhhhhh...the Final Table, to play and lose one more then break for the night. I draw....seat 8! THe exact place I sat down on when I entered the room on Friday night. Sweet. By this time I was hammered and having quite a lot of fun. I was hovering around 125k in chips also. Couple of big decisions came my way...and I eventually would decide to fold, but not before the guy in the 7 seat annoyed me to the point of putting a $6 bounty on him. He told me I could "wipe my ass with that $6" which I did, indeed do. I offered to let him smell it. He didnt care for that. Z...a buddy from cash games downstairs (and a guy I really like a lot) laughed his ass off....I also tried to get him to take a whiff!

Well, fate would smile on me and frown on the 7 seat. He moves all in for 28k. Maybe it was 35K. Not sure. Blinds were 3k/6k. I look at KQc. It looked pretty. And I felt like it would win...but still...it was a call that would cost me 35% of my stack to make. I was about to seriously fold, when he CALLS CLOCK ON ME! WHAT? Oh...well, in THAT case....I CALL! I had already decided he had a weak ace...which still put him ahead, but gave me a pretty good drawing hand anyway. I was thinking A8 or A9. Well, he turns over A10. I say...."Okay, cool..I was close, I like my hand!" He tells me I'm way behind. Ha! No big deal. I am winning this sir!

NOTHING on the FLOP. He lets out a little cheer. I tell him its coming. Nothing on the turn. He is getting more and more excited....river? Come on now...did anyone doubt me? KING BALL! Monkey wins, you lose, lets call it a night...FINAL TABLE for the MONKEY.....

Hey this is a good place to leave off....leave you guys dangling in suspense...although most of you already know how the next day would go. I just need a good excuse to go get in the shower and hustle my ass back to the Beau!!!! Its now 11:40am and my responsibilities have been somewhat satisfied! Lets go make another Final Table today!!!!!

MONKEY

The Donkey Stable

MONKEY'S DONKEY STABLE

Hi. My name Is Monkey. I am NOT a farmer. But I did spend some time in Montana as a kid. So I know what they look like. I am real good at keeping a barn clean and organized, and know how to feed the animals. That little 'philly' on my right is a little Alabama Hillbilly named 'Squirrel'...she is a lot of fun, but isn't much for long walks in the rain. In this photo we are both enjoying a delicious Absolute Mandarin and Red Bull, which we break down and drink maybe twice a year! (hahaha) In our spare time, okay...ALL OF MY TIME, some of her time...we like to dabble in Texas Hold 'em, a fun little poker game, which features some really GOOD players...and some NOT SO GOOD players.

As a service to my fellow players, some of whom are very 'good' I would like to let you take a peek inside of my barn, Monkey's Barn...to see a few donkey's that you might just want to avoid in upcoming events! I hope you enjoy!!!!

WE WILL START WITH THE
TUNICA STABLE.......

coming later, we will feature the BILOXI STABLE, to be followed by the NEW ORLEANS STABLE...and then the GLOBAL WORLDWIDE VEGAS STABLE...we will probably be needing a NEW BARN by then, maybe BARACK OBAMA can pass a bill in Congress to build us something that will fit all of these wonderful players in!!!!

HERE HE IS. Now it is tough to just call David "Freddy" Kruger a donkey, because pure and simple...he ISNT. The fact that this picture is blurry, is perfect, because when you are having a nightmare at night...isn't this REALLY how it would come to you? He won two events in Tunica, including the Main Event. He has a very fun personality. He is tough NOT to like. But to play against? He is a total freaking nightmare. He will hold you down, he will pull out the razor-sharp knife fingers, and he will destroy your hopes and dreams with hands like 22 vs your KK, with 46c vs. your AA. Prepare yourself for a very long, miserable day if you draw him at your table. If you raise early, he will make you DECIDE how much you like your hand when he shoves all in on you. I have to (want to) believe that he just ran good in Tunica...and that his reign of terror will soon end, that we will all WAKE up from this Nightmare on EVERY STREET!!!!!

You have heard a LOT about this guy. I started out calling him PSYCHOBOY on my blog, and in fact starting calling him it during our Mega Satellite, which him and I both won. He actually likes it I think. I found something in common with him, we are both kind of nuts! I actually got him to smile. I think he is warming up to me, as I am to him. He's not a bad guy, and actually, he ISNT a donkey, well not TOTALLY. He will, however go on tilt, at the drop of a hat. If he is card dead for more than three orbits, he will start to berate the dealer, throwing his cards. Calling clock on any player after mere seconds if he starts getting low on chips. HE FREAKS OUT! He can often be heard mumbling under his breath, no one at the table can every hear him, thus, everyone is kind of afraid of him, similar to that homeless guy outside the grocery store who rambles about things that make you just scratch your head over. Pssst, rumor has it though (from some dealers who had him in the 1 or 10 seat) that some of those ramblings are actually hilarious, so I think maybe I will start liking this guy more and more in the future. Jury is still out!

This clown...was the ONE guy who almost made me do something to get kicked out of the GoldStrike. Yes, that is a peach melba hat and a badly pressed Polo shirt. Great poker gear, goes well with his great poker game. (picture me placing finger down throat here) In a Mega, this guy liked to raise EVERY time more than one person limped in. And he didn't just raise, he OVER raised. I laid down the winner twice. On those two occasions he produced 4-8h, and 6-7d. I finally decided to call his move with KQ. Along with another donkey...who had busted my QQ with 3-4off a few hands prior. The flop came out....oh, just 9-10-J, rainbow. Only the nuts. At the time. Super Donk had AQ. Okay, this time he HAD an actual reason for raising preflop. and okay, he WAS open ended on the flop with an over. But this next move should firmly mark him for MONKEY BARN-ness. He leads out for 500...into a 2000 chip pot. The guy behind me, who claims he had QQ (find that pretty hard to believe since BOTH the other Q's were out) raises to 2000. Monkey has 2400 total chips left. I MOVE ALL IN. This clown INSTACALLS! And before the guy behind me can get his chips in (which I thought was an after thought) I announce that I have the nuts and am stopped by the dealer before I can turn over my hand, not realizing the guy behind me might actually fold for another 400 chips. (????) Really? HE DOES FOLD! Wow. Well, our dealer manages to deliver this joker a K on the river for the higher straight. I credit him for his 'excellent play' and he subsequently goes on to tell me how BAD I play, how bad I played THAT hand! (????) What? Then goes on to talk about how much better he is, that I can only hope to be as good as he is. Anyone ever seen this guy at a Final Table? ANYONE? All I hear is crickets and the occasional coyote howling. Oh, incidentally, this was a two table Satellite. This joke didn't even make it down to ONE table. Yeah man...you'z got da skilllllllllz!

Oh this guy. And so many just like him. Sunburn, I'm guessing from the morning session of tilling the crops on the tractor. Hat featuring his favorite race car accessories. This is our favorite kind of Donkey. The one who wakes up in early position with a hand like 88/99/1010 and has NO IDEA what to do with it. In fact, its almost like he is holding a grenade that has a 4 second timer on it. OMG OMG....uhhhh.uhhhhh lets see, I have 2900 chips...the blinds are 100-200....ughhhhhh....OMG OMG...grenade about to blow up.....ahhhhhh I raise!!!! 1700!!!!! Um...gee, and I just happened to look down at QQ. Kind of screws up how I or anyone else is going to play back at him, isnt it? Well, he only has 1200 left, not likely to fold EVEN if an A or a K do hit, are we? Guess we are raising all in here. Guy in BB wakes up with a hand...and literally says "is JJ good here?" to which I reply..."Well, honestly, I kind of think that is what HE has...or tens. So if you have JJ, no, you may be drawing dead!" This information doesn't phase him. In fact, not even sure it registered...cuz dammit, he has 10-10! And it looks good! And it is, as the dealer slides him a 10 on the flop! This was only the hand that stood out. Watch out for this guy! If he has raised first, no one is getting him off a hand. And oh yeah, if you raise UTG with something like AA/KK/QQ/AK/JJ.....it doesn't slow him down from calling on the button with K10/QJ/A10.....doesn't matter! He's in there with anything that looks 'purty!

This guy turned out to be pretty funny. If anyone watches "Yes Dear" which Im pretty sure is on about 8 hrs a day on TBS this guy kind of looks like, and talks JUST LIKE Mr. Savitzki, Greg's boss. Him and I started out on the wrong foot. Big time. Pretty sure he called clock on me first. Then I think there was an attempt to get me penalized for talking too much. He is really not a good player. But I have to admit, he's pretty funny, once he allows himself to 'get in the spirit' of being at Monkey's table! His claim to fame comes on a hand where I had raised early with A9c...not sure why I picked this hand to raise with, but that doesn't really matter, since he thought calling with A6 offsuit was a good hand to play back at me with. When the flop comes 6c-7c-8h...I excitedly announce that I will be "check-raising" and do just that. I check. Two others check...and he bets out 250 (blinds are 25/50). It comes back around to me and I raise it to 750, leaving myself 450 chips left. Everyone folds, but not him...he's all in. The table looks at me like I just got caught! Caught? Yeah...whatever, I Call! He turns over his hand, and I can't lie, I had to laugh. Bottom pair. No re draw. Ace is dead. Wow. Lets see, I had...mmmm...3 nines, 4 fives, 4 tens, 7 other clubs...what's that? 18 outs? Yeah, I like my chances here. I hit none of them, and he has his moment of glory! Well done sir. He would demonstrate on numerous occasions throughout the week that he is a player NOT to TRY to bluff, and NOT to even TRY putting on a hand. But he still has that cool, gravelly voice!

WOW! I can't believe I somehow let this guy fall this far down the page! This is HIM! Without a doubt the HUGEST donkey I saw in Tunica! In fact, if you look REALLY close you can just make out the big long, gray ears pinned behind his head. Only thing about this guy...he could have literally been the President of my Fan Club, if I had one. (I will NEVER have one, BTW) So based on that, I couldn't find it in myself to hate the guy. But hate his game? Oh yeah! The one that made me want to kill him was AQ raise in UTG+1...he calls, like he did about 75% of the time after his luckbox run that had him sitting on a huge stack. FLOP ACE. BET BIG. CALLS. TURN FLUSH DRAW, BET BIGGER, CALLS. RIVERS 7. CHECK because I'm totally confused.

Call his meager bet. He turns over A7. (*!@#(&! Calls decent sized all ins from other players on the table with beauties like A8, A10, K8! That's right...KING 8. Hey, 'It was suited!" Isolating in early middle position when a guy raises half his stack (so obvious he had AA/KK) with a HUGE overbet holding A10....only to double THAT guy up. This guy is TRULY AWFUL! I boldly predicted, when he had enough chips to make the final table if he didn't play another hand (this was in the $550 tourney BTW) that he would not only NOT make the Final Table, but he wouldn't even cash! Paying 18, I went out 36th, he went out 44th. Unreal.

I would have paid $1000 to trade stacks with him. If he works for a demolition company, its perfectly fitting because I have never seen any ONE person blow up a stack like this guy. In between hands he was running over to the bulletin board that had all of the weeks winners photos posted. You know how those guys who have never had a ton of chips act and talk when they do? He was this guy. And he was right in my left ear. And my iPod was dead! A bad beat for sure! I know we are going to see this guy in Biloxi. My advice? Gamble early on a shot to whack this guy. YOU DO NOT WANT HIM HAVING CHIPS!!!!!! Because as he told me on numerous occassions "I dont care, I just came to gamble!" We LOVE that guy, don't we?

MAIN EVENT. Not sure how this guy got in. $2600 donation. My first table, total nightmare.Ton of quality hands. Very few wins. But the most frustrating loss came at the hands of this guy. And maybe the funniest moment of the tourney. I was doing something I do a lot of in Main Events, I was charting all my hands that I was playing. In my Black Book. This guy would raise, no no..check that, he would MIN RAISE. UGhhhhh. For what would be about the fifth time already. And he was rarely showing down much when he did that, so when I saw AQ suited I felt like I could take a shot at him. We get heads up. The flop comes Q-9-7, rainbow. A pretty good flop for me. He checks to me, and I bet about 3/4th of the pot. Now, me...I think if I am holding KJ there I probably fold my GUTSHOT. Oh..with an over. But...maybe I play way too tight. Not this guy. CALL! Next card out is a K. Of course. He checks? Yeah. Which freezes me. I check. River is a blank. He checks AGAIN! I mean...what is he calling 3/4 of the pot with if he isn't willing to bet it when he DOES hit it? I'm not touching that river. I check. I get the bad news, and there goes another large chunk of my stack. When I go to write in my book, he asks "Hey Monkey, do you write down the names of all the Donkeys who suck out on you in your book!?" I don't respond while I am writing because that is just how I am...one thing at a time please. But upon completion, I reply "No sir, I don't, but I do take their picture and put them on my Website!" To which the whole table erupted in laughter! He took it like a good sport. Hope he likes seeing himself on here, too!

I wish I had a better picture of this guy. But if you look to his right here, you will see our Favorite Nightmare, that is Mr. Kruger himself, and this is from the 2nd chance tourney that I should have won, but alas, got coolered in. This guy, who looks, well...I'm not going to go there, lets just say, if you asked someone you knew to have a third grade education to work out a calculus equation, that facial expression that they would hit you with, is pretty much the look this guy has on his face at all times. And you get into enough hands with him, and you start thinking that maybe calculus equations are way, way far up the totem pole in things necessary to bring about that look of confusion. All week long, whether it was tourneys or SNGs this guy was one of my worst nightmares. He is just BAD! Any Two Cards are his motto. My favorite hand against this guy goes like this. I get in on the button for 100 with K10c....yeah yeah the hand I hate the most. Whatever. It was cheap and there were six callers. So with a pot of 600, the flop comes K-8-2...one...that's ONE...heart. He bets out 200. Yeah. TWO HUNDRED! Everyone folds to me. I raise it to 800. He calls. Turn is the 10 of hearts. He bets...oh yeah...200 again. And based on what I have seen all week, I know he is betting a weak King. So now, with two pair...and not really worried about him having, say 888, or 222...I make it 2000! Oh, he calls. The river? The 4 of hearts. NOW HE CHECKS? CHECK? I am either going to win a nice pot here, or I am going to elect NOT TO LOSE any more. I have ZERO bet equity on the river. I check. He turns over.....K5 of hearts....for the runner runner flush! I go on super tilt for the next half hour...running my stack back up to over 7k before they mercifully break our table! But they bring him to my new table, where I watch him get abused for an hour before finally busting. This guy is maybe one of the most horrendous players in the Tunica Stable, I wouldn't even worry about feeding him. Maybe we will get lucky, and on the first stormy night he will break free and run away!

NOW OCCASSIONALLY I WILL ALLOW MY FELLOW PLAYERS TO NOMINATE PLAYERS THAT THEY FEEL NEED TO BE IN MONKEY'S BARN! I may not have any knowledge of them, or played with them at any time...but if I trust the game of the player telling me about them, and the story sounds legit, and quite possibly is even VERIFIED by the ACCUSED, then and only then will they be considered for their own stall! Case in point, the two following players.

Now this guy...basically owned up to his moronic play. And he was cool in doing so, so while I may NEVER want to see this joker at my table in a poker game, I would probably be okay with sharing a drink or a shot with him...though I doubt very seriously that it will be a Final Table Snap Monkey or even an 'In The Money Red Snapper!' He was seen sitting on a very large pile of chips in the $330 that I would eventually cash, and that he would not. How did he get there? With this beautiful play. Blinds 50/100. Limp. Limp. Limp. Limp. Memphis jersey guy makes it 1100 on the button. Okay, your classic squeeze play. He is holding 78off. So far, this story is okay. This is where it gets a little nuts. Fold, Fold, original limper makes it...ahem, FIVE THOUSAND! BTW, this was the deepstack tourney, where we started with 10k. Fold, Fold, Fold...and a SMOOTH CALL! By our hero up there. The flop comes 3-7-8. First guy (holding KK) goes ALL IN. Our boy calls, of course...and it holds, Ship him 12K. This type of play was overly prevalent all week in Tunica. Welcome to the Barn, sir!

This guy would actually get very deep in one of the $330's I cashed. I was told about this story...AFTER I had actually witnessed it. So it really didn't require any confirmation. This guy, in a AUBURN HAT ( I already know Squirrel hates him now!) was the master of the resteal. He had pulled the move numerous times. But this time, he runs into...TIGHTEST GUY AT THE TABLE...and oh yeah...he wasn't exactly RESTEALING. This was just a STUPID ASS PLAY that just happened to work out wonderfully for him. With the blinds at 500/1000 and about 2 or 3 from the money...he limps in for 1000. It folds all the way around to the old guy in the BB who is sitting on QQ. Well, he probably is thinking that raising to 3 or 4k will just entice this guy to re-pop him to about 12K...which will mean he is married to the hand, as he is sitting on 22K. So what does he do? He takes the easy way out, and raises to a whopping 16k! Wow, talk about being afraid of a flop! Not that I dont understand...what with the way I run with QQ, that and players like this who never fold. Seems like a good time to just take down a 3000+ pot close to the money. Hold up...the 16K raise is met by a SMOOTH CALL by Auburn Hat guy! Granted, he has a lot of chips...but not THAT many, we will call it 55K. So he flats a third of his stack with 55. Good play. Looks genius though when the flop rolls out 2-5-J and the old guy moves all in. It holds, and the old man misses the money, and this guy picks up a monster pot! Sickening. Bad play rewarded once more by the Poker Gods. So...if you see this guy....tread lightly!


I had a few other pictures, but after thinking back on them and their antics, I just don't think they warrant inclusion. I have also taken some hits from some of my readers who have taken me to task for the way I have been playing some of my hands of late. Big Slam #1 was how I played my 10 BB stack....raising big and leaving little behind. I know most of you +EV players all play their 10 BB hands about the same. That is where we differ. We can agree to disagree. I will say this, I find the ALL IN (especially on my button) to be a tremendously weak play, and I am a lot more tempted to call an ALL IN than I am a strong raise, especially when they leave a small amount behind. It's a play I have had a lot of success with. That and the way it is verbally presented results in about a 90% walk rate. So again, you guys can dish on it all you want. If you are at my table...and its late, and you JAM your 10 BB stack into me in the BB and I have at least 25BBs in my stack...and I look down at ANY HAND in the TOP 40...you are very likely to get a call. You all think I am so ULTRA TIGHT! Don't you? Well, find out JUST HOW TIGHT I AM next week and try shoving on me. I am ready to start giving you guys your just rewards! LETS GET IT ON!!!!!!!

MONKEY

Beau Final Table, and Random Thoughts

ONCE THIS YEAR LET ME WIN WITH THE BEST HAND!

We are getting very close (three days) to the event where I basically had my coming out party last year. 6 cashes, 4 final tables, back-t0-back 2nd places...a great week that catapulted me into 'real tournament player' mode for 2008. Topping that will be very hard. I ran very good that week. But right now....I need something good to happen.

Thought that was exactly what I was about to have happen on Saturday at the Beau in their 15K guarantee tourney. Got there on time (well, ten minutes late, which for me is on time!). Had a good seat, seat 4. Had one of those days where I got NO CARDS but somehow managed to stay around. Got up to about 8k then ran AQh into AA...a guy who I had just seen limp then shove with AJ a while before. That hurt. Took me to 2500. But then moved in with AQ again, ran into a guy's AK..and spiked a Q. Little later, Shawnda served me KK and got doubled up by a guy wtih AQ. Then just kind of bobbed and weaved my way to the final table.

Down to about three tables and John Riola sends me a Red Snapper. Hmmm...wondering, was this a devious attempt to put the 'Snapper Hex' on me? Knowing that I usually (typically) do NOT drink the Snapper until we are in the money? Whatever, I drank it anyway...and the next four of five that followed, and suddenly I was in my zone. We have 10 left.....

We have already agreed to give 10th place $250. Big deal. I have managed to climb back to a respectable 3rd in chips. Diana comes to deal our table. I don't know Diana's deal, I really don't. I WANT to like her...I really do. I try very hard. But man, she is just SO grouchy when she deals. Mainly with the whole "I NEED EVERYONE'S ANTE!!!!" Well, she almost cost me $400.

I am on the button. I have NOT gotten AA all day. And I keep telling everyone 'they are coming...they have to be coming' and as I look at my first card and see the A of spades, I go into my act. "Ah ha! The first one is the NUTS! I wont even look at the 2nd one...it will be the mystery card...but the first one is THERE!" It folds to me. I look down and see the A of hearts! OH HELL YES! And I announce..."well, its about time!" Blinds are 1500/3000. I will not EVER min raise, and say as much...so I make it 7000. The kid in the small blind, who I know has me covered or is close anyway....moves all in. Music to my ears...I think.

He turns over JJ. Ugh..hate seeing a pair. Only takes one card to kill me...and THERE IT IS...right on the flop. A MOTHER(*@#&#&(!*@ JACK. I don't catch an ace. I want to puke. Well, Diana just grabs my stack and goes to shove it all over there..when I stop her. "Diana, please count my stack, I am not positive here but I think I may have about 2 or 3k left." To which she says "I don't think so, I think he has you covered." "Well, he just might...but I would feel a lot better if you would at least CONFIRM that." So she does, and low and behold, I have 3000 chips left. Hmmmm.....

The next hand I fold (lose 500 ante). Well, as fate would have it, the blinds mix it up and one of them goes out! Monkey makes $650 instead of $250! On the very next hand...and with a guy behind me who only has 6k (I could have maybe held on and made another $300, but I am there to try and win!) I pick up AK. Not folding this. Forget it. I'm all in and the guy behind me makes a convenience call of 3K holding 4d8d. Gee, want me OUT much? Here is your board..... 5-A-7-6-9.....he bets the river. I say "oh great...show me your stinking 8" expecting to see, you know...something kind of decent....but 4-8? Whatever. If I win that hand there I am back up to around 12K and maybe have a prayer. But that whacks me...and all I can think about is those ACES getting cracked, and how nice a deep run and a shot at $4500 would have been, especially as bad as this year has been going.

My March Madness brackets ALL have gone in the crapper. I mean...27 brackets and I can't even get a sniff of the money? Unreal! Then my Huskies make a big comeback against Purdue (Pur-who>?) and they are OUT of the tourney. I DO have my Sweet 16 pool starting up tomorrow, which I came one MEMPHIS flameout away from winning last year. Maybe I will get lucky there!

Saw 'ol Wild Bill at Saturday's tourney. Not sure how or when he went out...but he did, since I failed to meet up with him at the Final Table. Asked him how my feature on MONKEY'S BARN is progressing. Not sure he had checked it out yet. Think he did last night though...I expect to see it up very soon, hopefully at LEAST before the B.R. tourneys start this weekend. I sat down and did it on Thursday, took me about 3 hours. I am hopeful that you will all find it hilarious. I did. And isn't that REALLY the most important thing? Being able to make MYSELF laugh?

Played last night. Managed to very methodically chip up from 10k to 22k then we get to 200/400 and I pick up 10-10 which I have been running very badly with. I raise...but screw up...I drop one of the purple (500) chips on my way out to bet and instead of raising to 1300, make it only 800. A MIN RAISE! Both blinds call. The flop comes 7 high. They both check. I bet out 2500. There are two clubs. The SB smooth calls. Huh? Flush draw? Set? No...set would raise there...as there are 2 clubs and maybe a straight draw out there. I would THINK, anyway? Turn is 8 of hearts. He checks AGAIN! Now I am a little confused, but certain he is on a flush draw. After all, he is OLD. This guy has gotten AA 4 times already, and gotten paid off with them twice for a huge stack each time, both by absolute morons who should have never been in the hands in the first place. I am trying real hard not to become another one of his victims. I push all in. He calls. He turns over.....QUEENS! Whoa.....I did NOT see THAT coming. Well, losing to a better hand never upsets me too much. I tell everyone good game, good luck, shake the old man's hand...and boogie.

I come home, get online, and decide to play like that guy. I get AA 5 times throughout the night. Three times I get them behind an aggressive player who raises a lot, and simply FLAT the raise. All three times, I LOSE! Once to AQ when he rivers a flush. Once to 55...when he rivers a 5. And once to JJ...when he turns a JJ after betting huge on the Q-high flop and calling my all in. That was my favorite. Yeah...that plan went well. I went back to playing them the 'old way' and had much better success...making a final table and finishing 4th before calling it a night at 2am.

RANDOM THOUGHTS.....from SENOR MONKEY......

-When you are driving on the highway, and the speed limit is 70, why when a cop has someone pulled over (already) does everyone SLAM on their brakes and slow to about 45-50 mph, nearly causing a 108 car pileup? That is so stupid.

-Have you all seen that idiot (usually a redneck) who tries to secure a piece (or pieces) of plywood, or even a mattress to the top of his (usually a piece of shit) car and drive it home, usually on a road where he has to go in excess of 50 mph? He has essentially turned his pile of crap into a piece of crap AIRPLANE...and one of two things is going to happen, he is either going to TAKE OFF...or his 'wings' are about to become dislodged from the fuselage. MORON.

-Ambulances. How many times have you seen it coming in your rearview mirror...but then amazingly, it takes forever to catch up to you? Because it is only going about 72 mph. My question. IF the lights are flashing, wouldn't that indicate that someone is in DIRE need of medical attention? Where is the sense of urgency? I just saw that Travis Kvapil lost his job driving the #28 car in NASCAR. Maybe he should consider a career change. They could use him apparantly.

-You are in a restaurant. Suddenly you hear dishes crashing/breaking. You turn to look and you see a waiter/waitress standing there with 'that look' on his/her face. Everyone breaks out in applause. WHY? Here is a guy/gal who is probably about to get fired now, and you all start clapping for him/her. Real nice. That is just rude.

-If you live in a nice neighborhood...and everyone keeps their lawn nicely cut and manicured...how can you come home every day, pull your car into your driveway, get out of your car, walk to your mailbox...and then into your house...with 4 or 5 of your neighbors looking/scowling at you...every day with that RIDICULOUS YARD OF YOURS!??? Know what I do? I just go CUT their yard FOR THEM, and leave a bill on their front door! $45.50...services rendered.

-How long will it be before RED BOX puts BLOCKBUSTER out of business? Nothing like losing all your business to a freaking vending machine!

-I am about sick of this Obama/Special Olympics crap. Dude goes on a show, which I thought was pretty cool, and makes a remark that was clowning himself, and gets skewered. Well, if you notice...the polls seem to go something like this "BIG DEAL?" 55% say NO. 45% say YES. Hmmm...seems to me that if you look at how the voting went, that was about the same ratio wasnt it? So basically, for the next 4 years...we get to see the same poll results on every issue probably. Those who voted Republican....will vote one way, and those who voted Democrat will vote the other. People are idiots. And by the way, I HAVE a brother with Down's Syndrome, who competed in Special Olympics, and I was a volunteer for them...I am NOT offended by his comment.

-The highway project that has been going on in Pensacola since before I moved there (2003) is ALMOST done. 6 years? Incredible. When I lived in Atlanta...they would put down highways in three days. The weed in Pensacola must be amazing.

-The one piece of machinery that every man should own is a pressure washer. Those things are incredible. Oh...and if its a sunny day...you get a great tan while using them. Something about the constant mist in the air reflecting the rays onto your chalky-white skin!

I will be rooting now for Syracuse in the tourney? Why? Because I found a new handyman, after my previous one completely disappeared from the planet. This guy went to Syracuse in the 60's and played Lacrosse there with ERNIE DAVIS and JOHN MACKEY. He met Jim Brown as well. Served 30 years in the Navy. This guy is my new hero...and now he is my new handyman. What a life this guy has lived. I love it when I meet older people like this guy. Makes me ALMOST want to get old, too. Go Orangemen!

Okay..that concludes today's exciting blog. Hopefully the next one will be my BARN feature. Then it will be two weeks of (I hope) exciting reports from the Beau Rivage.

TAKE CARE

MONKEY

NIGHTMARE IN TUNICA...."FREDDY WINS"

It's official.

I am taking up professional hopscotch.

If you read my last entry you will remember how I went out of the main event. Who put me out. How he put me out. And the others he dispatched along the way.

I have to now admit...I have no clue what I am doing playing poker. You all think I am kidding don't you?

Text messages and Facebook messages from Tunica have confirmed it. David Kruger, AKA "Freddy Kruger" has won the Main Event. This after winning another earlier event that he Donk-Zapped me out of (when I finished 15th). Quite a run for the John Deere (e on the end or not? I'm not sure and don't feel like researching it) Tractor-driving nightmare on every street who orders me to 'get out of his pot.'

So I ask myself, and those of you who THINK you are a good player. "What is the secret?" Am I missing something? Is there a gigantic grand canyon-sized hole in my game?

I left Tunica last night about 8. I got a call back from hotel management. They got my bill all squared away. I thought they would. Thanks again Goldstrike, and thanks Ken Lambert. I can't call the trip a disaster. I did chop a Second Chance, cashed twice, got deep in almost everything I played, and admittedly had fun. Just sucks that I LOST money for the trip. But poker is a tough, tough business.

The drive home was decent. Decided to try out the long way. Meaning, I didnt turn left at Jackson and go through Hattiesburg. Why? I will tell you why. I like to play online poker while I drive...and/or watch movies on my stereo. I didn't have any movies so I played poker the whole way.

It was also a very successful poker trip. I played 4 games at a time. 3 seperate sessions. Session A...I cashed twice. One final table in a $12/180pp, 8th place, and a 6th place in a $12/45pp. In Session B, my best, I got 2nd in a $12/45pp for $110, then a 1st place in a $11/45 for $139. In Session C, I only had one cash...for a mere $51. Nonetheless, a profit of $200 for my 5.5 hour drive! And the desire to get back online and play some more. During this time, I was reminded once more just HOW BAD the play online is!

Not having to deal with 2-lane roads and a small town every 15 miles that force you to slow down to 45 mph proved to be a great decision. It took me exactly the same amount of time. Having the cruise control stuck on 82 the whole way home was a treat. I also turned my stereo to its highest setting and sang at the top of my lungs. Just about every song. Another good thing about driving alone! No one there to offend!

Something dawned on me. There are a lot of very impressive people in this world. Far more impressive than me. I wonder, if I ever get on TV and win a couple million bucks playing this stupid game...will any of THOSE people who I think are amazing think I am amazing? Or is that just silly to think like that?

First one that I think about...guys who can sit and play the piano (that alone I wish I could do) amazingly WHILE singing amazingly. Wouldnt that be sweet? Fighter pilots. I know its tough, because I've tried it on PS3. And when I die, I get to start over. Not them. One mistake, its lights out. Tiger Woods. Ever sit and watch this guy? Its purely disgusting. Who the hell can consistently smack a ball with a stick and make it land so close to the pin as often as this guy? Firefighters. I can't stand it when I get a little hot. These dudes walk into 200+ degree heat, with shit falling all around them, burning shit...just so they can save someone who should have never been in there in the first place. Or someone's dog...which I appreciate, because I love dogs. Politicians (magicians). How a guy who almost always has a terrible hair do, and dresses like a schlub can get people to fork over cash to him, while he constantly two-face lectures opposing constituents, gets himself elected and manages to somehow dodge criminal convictions while lying, cheating and stealing all throughout his term is simply...AMAZING to me. Who else amazes me? Oh...those guys who do traffic reports from helicopters, while FLYING the helicopter. First of all, things look a lot different from the sky. Much smaller. And how do they know all those streets? And then they have to come off in a way that sounds good on the radio. Doctors amaze me. Had a couple of experiences in the last few months to come to this conclusion. My Mother's surgery out in Seattle and me and Squirrel's interaction with her doctor when we almost had a baby. They are so smart. And they know just how to talk to their patients. And the things they do when its crunch time....wow, I could never do that. They deserve whatever they make. And it's a lot.

It might be more fun to discuss the people who DONT amaze me. But I'm not sure there is enough blog space on the webserver to allow for that!

Have you ever been driving on a long road trip...stop at a gas station off of some remote exit, and when you walk in (usually in pursuit of, lets say, some coffee) you immediately feel like the person behind the counter thinks you are about to rob the place? You start over-compensating and trying to be overly nice...only to watch their face grow more and more suspicious? How are you supposed to combat that situation? It happened last night. I freaked out and just left the store.

Squirrel has her brother and sister in law down with their kids, so of course she likes to do her little clean up BlitzKrieg before they arrive....which means every little thing that I have placed in its 'special place' has now been relocated. Carpets have been cleaned, which means my buddies (Jasper and Molly) are not allowed in the house. While I love that she is like that (as opposed to the opposite...I'm talking to YOU Claudia Crawford!) I also hate that when I come home its like walking into a strangers home. Oh...hey, I finally found the TV remote!

Congratulations to Freddy Kruger on his big victory. I think I heard him threaten me before I left...."Hey Monkey, it was good playing with you...I wasn't going to come play in Biloxi, but now because of you...I think I might go down there now." Fabulous, can't wait. You have ALL been warned!

MONKEY

MAIN EVENT down to 21, No Monkeys to be seen!

It's Monday.

Buzz Kill Monday.

I am laying in my room...my room that I was supposed to be paying $70 a night for. Went to check out, was presented a bill for $1753. Reached for heart pills. After a lenthy negotiation with the assistant manager, and pending discussions with the actual manager who is currently in a meeting, I have agreed to NOT go ballistic on them in this report until everything has been resolved first, so I will refrain. For now.

Simply put, we were granted a complimentary upgrade to a 2-br suite, at the same cost we were paying (the poker rate). We were not told we would be charged for both rooms (which are adjoining). After Brandon left on Wednesday I would have immediately had them check that one out if I had known that. Even funnier I was charged for movies that had time codes on them from when I was IN THE POKER TOURNEY! Wow, I have a ghost in my room watching porn. They called it a 'glitch' in their system. I'm going with ghost!

Well, lets hope it all works out. I have faith in the good folks at MGM Goldstrike. Maybe Ken Lambert and Beth Blevins will take pity on my soul and work it down to a number that allows me to sleep tonight when I get home! I played in EVERY tourney up here, about half of the 2nd chances, and about 40 SNGs! I think the juice I paid about covers my whole room charge! However, we poker players just don't command the same kind of respect/regard when it comes to getting our rooms comped like those $100 a hand blackjack players, or the big craps players. Look, I'm okay with that! I pride myself on my ability to 'fade' those money pits! And when I DO win a big tourney, I always take care of the floor staff and poker dealers, and don't say BOO! about my room charge. But after a trip like this, where I got hunted down, and SNIPED by the local Donkey Assassins, I would like to apply for some room relief! At least in Biloxi I will have all the niceties of home...a true homecourt advantage!

Well, I am ready to get out of here. Nothing has died yet. The dogs are in good health. Squirrel is headed over to Pensacola with her brother, his wife and their nephews for a couple days. My backer hasnt fired me. My Mom and Dad still love me (I think).

It's always kind of sad on getaway day. You see all the players in the lobby, most with glum looks on their faces. Tournies are like a convention. Everyone converges, we have our fun, we take our shots, we make our presentations (me mostly!) to the masses, then we leave...until we see each other again at the next venue.

Yesterday was a nightmare. BJ McBrayer thought the tourney started at noon, not 2...so he needed a place to chill for a couple hours. So he came up here. I end up getting him at my table. Not cool. I had three very tough players, three nobody's and three total jackasses. Nice combo. We started with 10K in chips and 117 players, a HUGE field. (drip drip) In the first two levels, I literally had 17 good/decent/great hands. I know because I was writing them down, complete with the results of each. I could list them all but why bother? 10-10 twice. AK/AQ/AJ/A10d/KQ/KJ/K10c/22 THREE TIMES/77.....out of those 17 hands...I won TWO POTS! TWO! It was a complete trainwreck. I was on the verge of throwing furniture. FINALLY our table breaks.

I draw table 30....seat 6...my favorite seat. As I come up on the table...there is my buddy, DAVID KRUGER...who I have now labeled with the nickname of "Freddy Kruger...a NIGHTMARE on EVERY STREET!" The table howled at that one. It sticks. Everyone is now calling him Freddy. And he IS a nightmare, on EVERY street, the FLOP, THE TURN and THE RIVER. He sees me and greets me with "Hey Monkey, come to give me your chips!?" To which I groan and respond...."Probably, but I dont have much to give you...so you might want to wait for me to double a couple times first." To which he agrees would be a good idea. Isn't it funny sometimes just how prophetic things can play out?

On literally the FIRST hand I play, I pick up KK. Kruger limps for 100. I limp behind him. Another limper...and sitting on the BB and raising to 750 is my buddy/roomie/fellow blogger Kai Landry, who I also have a 10% 'save' share with. Another awkward/uncomfortable arrangement. Wishing like hell he isnt at my table. Well our John Deere hat wearing, tractor driving, any two cards are good playing friend calls the 750. I hope you all know what I did here. I would assume you all know by now that 2150 chips went into the center of the arena...hoping to be joined by 2150 more from Donkey Boy back there. Kai folded immediately (told me later he had JJ, I don't doubt that at all). The 2150 I was waiting on failed to show up to meet my friends. Dammit. But I did pick up 1600 in a virtual double up...without having to sweat out another stupid beat at the hands of Knife Fingers over there.

A little while later I will win my biggest hand thus far. Sitting in the SB with 22 (for the 5th time already) The Nightmare limps in for 300 (150/300). I call. The BB makes it 750! No. Well of course "She thinks my Tractor's Sexy" calls. So I think..."hmmm...wonder how many times I can catch 22 without flopping a set?" I ask Tamara (Big & Tasty to those of you who know her...and that is NOT from personal experience) if she is going to 'bring it' for me one time. I am pretty sure I caught her wink at me. So I called. Flop comes..............A-10-2! Rainbow. I check. BB bets out 1200. John Deere folds. I raise to 2500. He puts me all in with his AK. I fade the necessary suckout required to lose and now am up over 13K. Wow, maybe I actually have a chance to win this thing now.

I later limp in behind Freddy with AK. We get 6 calls. No one will raise him without AA/KK/QQ....they know its a bad play. Better to flop perfect, perfect and let him pay you off, or suck out on you and make you want to cry. Or kill yourself, if you are off of your meds.

I flop a nice little gutshot with overs. Q-10-7. Our boy bets. I call. Everyone else folds. Turn is a brick. He checks now. Now against MOST players I would bet half the pot here and take it down. Not against this guy. NO WAY. I check behind. River? J. Sweet. I immediately say "you got me" which cues him to bet out 1000. I min raise to 2000 and he pays me off. Touche! Up to 16K.

Then I may or may NOT have misplayed this hand. Kai raises to 700. Kruger calls the 700. I look down at JJ in the BB. Kai said he had AK. Kruger claims to have had ...ya ready? 3-9. I think its bullshit. The flop comes out 3-5-9...two spades. I lead out for 1500. Kai mucks. Everyone's favorite teenage mutilator looks at me, tells me to 'get outa my pot Monkey' and goes all in. Yeah. ALL IN! Then looks at me, saying..."whatya got? 10's or J's?" which...yeah! Is what I got! So this is where poker is tricky. But poker against a psycho? Even trickier. Is he telling me that because that is what he HOPES I DONT HAVE? He is bouncing that signal off me to see how I respond? I mean...if I am right, and I call...I might double up to over 35K...and cripple that nemesis. If I am wrong, I am OUT. Had I just SHOVED all in FIRST...it would have taken away his position entirely. I just dont know what to do. I finally fold. And I think I hate that fold.

We almost lose him. Our #2 seat, who mixed it up with Tractor Fun several times....almost had him out the door. He held KK. He raised UTG. Zippy calls him with A3d. You heard me. The flop came 7 high, but with 2 diamonds. 2-seat bets out pretty large. Our boy calls of course. The turn is a blank. 2-seat does the right thing and moves all in. Tractor tanks...for a good while...and finally calls, asking the dealer for an Ace or a diamond. Damn ace of clubs on the river. You could feel the entire table sink about 9 inches in their seats. I might have actually slid right onto the floor. Like in that Bugs Bunny episode, where he is flying that plane..and it goes out of control...and as its plummeting to Earth Bugs goes sliding down the seat...remember that one?

This kid in the #1 seat had this thing about raising my BB. The few times he got called by others, we see beauties like A7s, A8h, K10 off, 44....must have been that he just liked stealing my blinds from early position. This information would be instrumental in my eventual demise.

I do manage to make a play against the nemesis that gets the attention of the table. Sitting in the BB with J10c....There is a 4-way limp for 400. I check. The flop comes 10-7-9...two spades. Pretty good flop for me. I am sitting on 11K now. I check with every intention of moving in if Kruger bets it behind three checks. Which is exactly what happens. He bets out 2000. I immediately shove all in. He tanks. Asks if I would like my courtesy double up. I reply "I very much would sir." He folds. And shows, for once. J-10. Nice!

We are now down to 60 players. I have 10k now. Blinds are about to go to 300/600. I need to win a good pot. That little jackass in the 1 seat raises my blinds AGAIN...to 1200. Our friend from Elm Street calls yet again. Now here is my read. Every time this kid raises my blinds...he could have ANYTHING...and NOTHING. He just thinks (I think) that I am an easy mark when it comes to swiping blinds, because I am percieved as very tight. Well, ever since the blinds went to 100/200...whenever Kruger has a REAL hand...he always either raises or just moves all in behind a raiser. He has done it to KAI already, three times. With AK/QQ/and AA. So when he flats it for 1200, and I look down at AQs...I have to THINK I have the best hand. Or at least a hand strong enough to move in and get two folds, while picking up another 3500 chips. I now have the kid covered by about 3000, so even if he does call...and I can get Tractor Tilter to call, I can take a good side pot. Or if #1 calls and Im ahead, and Knucklehead folds, I stand to drag a real nice pot.

I dont take too long (not wanting to give information about my hand by delaying too much) I just ask the kid for a count on his stack, count mine...and move all in. He folds instantly. I KNEW it! Rat thief! Well, Kruger really tanks this one. He has himself convinced that I either have AK or AA. As it turns out, it wouldn't have mattered if I DID have AA. Its 10K for him to call...with him having 35K in his stack. This is where most GOOD players...will fold his hand. But this guy doesn't play by the same rules as most of us. If he has chips, and it won't felt him, he generally calls. And honestly, I think I WANTED him to call, because when he tells me he thinks he might be down to just two outs...I have a strange feeling that he might have AJ or A10...but more likely a small pair. At any rate, I don't really care what happens. I know for sure that my A and my Q are either alive or dominant.

He finally calls. He turns over 10's. Ugh. Not exactly what I wanted to see. I get NOTHING on the flop. Dammit. Nothing on the turn...and he rivers a useless 10 for the set...and I very professionally shake his hand, tell him nice hand...wish the others luck, and walk out the door...where I went to find a chair and cry. Just kidding, I didn't cry. Okay maybe I did. No no, I didn't.

Lurking around in the hallway was Dena and Dave. Before Dave could even get it out of his mouth how bad he wants to kill me I informed him that I already apologized to him in yesterday's blog entry. Then I reinforced it in person. We talked about the situation, shook hands, and now things between us are all good. (I think) He is a good guy, and a good player. It sucks that he didn't play the Main Event. But I know the feeling, only too well. That has been me a lot of times. Its the worst thing in the world when you don't make the Main Event, and you KNOW that you are as good or better than 90% of the field. It's a very empty, lonely feeling looking into that room.

Against my better judgement, and probably only because I have 10% with Kai Landry and Kyle Milam, who are both still in, I decide to stick around and play the $200 Second Chance tourney....which a whopping 24 players decide to play. Lets call it a 3-table SNG. I actually play really well. Make three dead-on reads, where they show me the hand after I call it. Out play two guys who have min-riased my BB. I am kind of cruising right along. I raise 1200 with A-10c. I leave 2200 behind. I elect not to move all in because mainly, I hate that play. Dude in the SB...from Finland, and VERY, VERY loose and crazy like most Scandanavian players (get ready for THOSE guys with the WSOP summer blog reports!) announces "loose call" and does call...to which I announce "I fully expect him to go all in on the flop, whatever it is." The flop comes 10-5-6. To which he responds "You're right...
and moves all in.....I call. He turns over 6-7 offsuit. Turn is a 3, river is a 4....yep...runner runner straight! I am out! Awesome!

Lets go play cash game for the first time on this trip! Why not! Look in my wallet. OMG! I have $100. I refuse to use the ATM machine. I buy in for $100. 2nd hand I get AA. I raise $10. One caller. Flop comes Q-10-7. I check . Guy bets $30. I raise to $60. He goes all in, I call. He has QJ. DOES NOT suck out. Double up. By the end of one hour...I would be sitting on $525. I ran off 6 players. It is as powerful and scary as I have maybe EVER felt in a cash game. Not going to lie, it felt good. BulletProof Monk!

But we know how these stories typically go in my world, dont we? Our table breaks, mostly because they all give up and leave. I am forced to move to a table with 4 drunks, and one old guy who smells so bad, I swear he had a dead animal in his coat pocket. The first two hours are spent getting rivered. Losing 250 of my stack. The next two hours are spent catching no hands, no flops and no luck. The lesbian in the 10 seat is drinking Jagerbombs and playing like she has one day to live and a million dollars to get rid of. I lose another 180 to her when, holding Ac2s...the flop comes 2-5c-4c. Not bad. I bet out. Two callers. She just calls. Turn brings the 2 of clubs. Wow. Trips. Straight draw. Nut flush draw. I bet out 50. Folds to her. She goes all in. I cant fold. I know she has a flush. She has to. But I have....wow, how many outs? 15? Sound about right? Brick the river. She has Qc10c. I'm broke. Visit the machine that always wins. Take out my first Tunica withdrawal. Buy in for $200 more. Cash out three hours later with $200. I lost $100 on the night. But oh what might have been. Leave with $550? Nawww...I just couldn't do THAT, could I!??? Oh...incidentally, drunk lesbo would eventually implode, turning $900+ chips into $0 in about one hour. Her Waterloo comes on this beauty.

Ugly, short, big glasses-wearing Asian guy (who is Gawd Awful) likes to min raise behind raisers, a great play...especially when he gives up on the hand after he misses the flop. So UTG makes it $15. Gets two calls. Ramen Noodle Brain makes it $30. EVERRRRRY one calls, including Jager Bomb Baby. Here is our flop. Qc-10s-9c. Its five way action. Lets make it simple. THEY ALL GET IT ALL IN ON THAT FLOP. The guy to my left has Q-10. And on that board thinks its worth $450! The scrawny lesbian is holding (I'm not kidding here) 7-8, no flush draw. And Kid Rising Sun has AcKc...clearly a good flop for him. Oh...the box-cutter has put in her last $550 chips on this flop. Turn is a J...which causes her to slam the table and celebrate. River is a 4. She is reaching for the chips when someone has to explain to her that an A-high straight beats a J-high straight. Oh...if only they could ALL be this bad. Oh wait, I'm in Tunica arent I? Yeah....they ARE...for the most part. Where do these people get their money? That is my real question? Do they grow it? Like they do Cotton?

My last hand at the cash game ends in very poetic fashion. And so fitting. I raise on the button with 99. Kid in the BB, who follows and hounds me all the way to the elevator after we all cash out...calls me (fair enough) wiht J10 offsuit (Squirrel's favorite hand). The flop comes 4-7-8...a very good flop for his hand. (????) He has $58 chips left. I bet $30. "I'll go all in" Well, alright man...I just have nines, I tell him. "You're good" Oh lord...I fully expect to see me hit a set and give him a gutshot straight, like everyone else in this place seems to catch on me, but instead he keeps it simple and merely rivers a 10. I just shake my head. Tunica.

I go to my room, where Kai and Kyle are both hanging out talking about tomorrow, where Kyle goes back with 21 left. And 3rd in chips. And Kai and I both very excited about the possibility of splitting up 10% of something very decent. Kai gets me to read his last entry of his Main Event story...I do, and am howling. Some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Its so weird, I am reading his story, and its like "This guy has the SAME shit running through his head at the table as I do!" I never, ever thought there was anyone even CLOSE to as mentally deranged as myself. I now know otherwise. Me, Kai and Brandon really are similar in a lot of ways. And throw my boy Allie Prescott in there, and I just dont think ANY of us are capable of functioning in what society would deem as a 'natural workplace.' I don't know, but I think we are all fairly evolved intellectually to a point where we just can't see eye-to-eye with those we come into contact with on a daily basis, so we gravitate to each other for comfort and understanding.

I wake up at noon. I decide to NOT go down and start sweating Kyle for awhile. I always feel very vulture-like when I do that. I think I will go down around 3 or so, and just check on him...maybe find Ken and see if he can help me defray some of the cost of my room. But before I can put that plan into motion...Kyle comes walking through the door, telling me he is out, and how it happened. SHIT! But honestly, after listening to him...and watching his face, I don't even really care about the 10% I missed out on. I'm just bummed for him, because I have been there, and I know how it feels. It sucks. But yeah....10% of 100k would have been nice too. Kyle is a good kid, and a good player. He won an event up here this week for $16k, so he had a good trip. OBVIOUSLY he's a good player, you all think I would have been letting a lousy player shack up in my room and infect us with his DONKNESS? Thats just silly.

Okay...thats it. Tunica is a wrap! Time to get my shit together, get in the car, fire up some Pokerstars...and drive home to see my dogs, play some PS3/XBOX360, mow the lawn...and get ready for Biloxi in 10 days. Ya'all as excited as I am? I am already OVER Tunica!

MONKEY