GUT CHECK TIME.

There are times in a person's life when they have to remember why they started doing whatever it is they do that brings them joy. What motivated them to get into it. What it is about what they do that they strive for in the long run.

I have had this mental battle with myself all week in regards to poker. I have had SO many conversations with fellow players about how my 2009 is going. I have sat, alone...and reflected with myself on what it is that I have done to deserve the kind of year I am going through so far. I don't get it.

I left the Beau early in January, fulfilling a promise to my Mother to be with her in her time of need. Trying to be a good son. I come home and go to Tunica. I get clobbered. One bad beat after another. Win just enough while I am there to confirm in my mind that I actually have a clue what I am doing. Then the Super Bowl KILLS me. I get rivered in the Mega on the last night close to a seat. The next day we lose our baby.

I come and sit at home. We both fight through a bit of depression. But then we decide to try and go play in Tunica again. I run into the same band of donkeys. Start, and fill a barn. Take one bad beat after another. Can't get people off of hands. Win enough, again...to think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...but not enough to make any money, or make my backer feel like her horse is 'Derby Eligible.' I come home, again...licking my wounds.

Then this event starts. I come out on fire. Start with a day at the IP spa. Feel good. Playing good. Win 7 out of 12 Sngs early. Making the final table in the 2nd event. Was this the event that I finally break out? Make some money? Make my backer smile, while she is on a long European Vacation? Sure was hoping so...

But then, I went into the longest, most frustrating tailspin of my poker career, with the exception of the New Orleans trip in the fall of 2007. That was the biggest nightmare of my life, never to be eclipsed I don't think. It would be too hard to detail all of the hands. And frankly, what's kind of odd, is that I haven't really lost SO MUCH money. I hear a bunch of guys talking about how they lost a few tourneys and a few sit n gos, but then tried to get it all back by going down to the 2/5 table and losing 5k or more...and it gives me that feeling that, 'you know, as bad as I am running right now, at least I am not putting my financial security at risk by going nutso and trying to chase it all down with drastic measures.' So I KNOW things could be worse.

Yes, it SUCKS to not be winning any money. Yes, it SUCKS to not be cashing for my backer. The worst part though...is LOSING. And how I am losing! On one night last week, I lost TWICE with a nut flush when the other players BOTH made STRAIGHT FLUSHES. On that same night, Heather the destroyer rewards AK guy with two KINGS against my AA to whack me 4th in a SNG. It was a week of losing with straights against flushes, boats against bigger boats, sets vs. bigger sets. Flop top set only to lose to a guy who flopped a flush (only 112 to 1 to do that BTW) to knock me out of a nooner. There is really nothing much to say other than its been one of those weeks where you just want to go hide somewhere.

I have this reputation as this guy who when he comes to the table adds a little life to the table. I almost feel obligated to entertain the table at times. And in the last couple days, I just have been very subdued. Several players are like 'Monkey, what the hell is wrong with you!??' Its funny, at times people will say things like "Wow, Monkey do you ever shut up!?" But then when I do shut up, and escape to my iPod...they miss me. You people are so damn fickle!

I have to admit...I am feeling incredibly depressed right now. And to make it worse, I am catching hell at home from Squirrel. I would like to think sometimes that she would understand where I am in my head and just try to be a little understanding...but she has only made it worse. Why did I come home so late? Why am I so moody? Why can't I just take a day off? It's very easy to do this poker gig when things are going good. And the woman at home is always a lot easier to please when you come home happy, excited and dropping some money on them 'just because.' I guess every job in America is like that, though, huh?

I did take Sunday off, and was glad. The field in the 1k was very small. And there was a lot of value (a ton actually) in the Sunday tourneys on Stars. I hadnt played on there in over a week, and thought maybe I would find some luck. WRONG. As bad as things had been running in the live tourneys...they only got WORSE online. I played about 2o MTTS (cashing in only 4 of them) and about 10 SNGS, cashing NONE of them. I would get big chip stacks in about 80% of them...only to get deep and then clobbered by sick ass beats. You know, it would be one thing to question how you played a hand...and think maybe your game was screwed up somehow...but there are just SO many times you can CLEARLY get it in good, in correct fashion...and get popped by 2 or 3 outers to lose all or nearly all of your chips. If someone can tell me how, with 22 left (paying 18) and a guy raising at cutoff (with 15K) to 2400 (at 300/600) and me re-raising to 6000 (with 17K behind) holding AA....only to be RERAISED ALL IN...by the guy with AJh....calling (correctly I'm pretty sure)...only to watch THREE HEARTS come out on the flop.....how it is I SHOULD have played that....to avoid getting, AGAIN....drilled....I am open to advice!

My online session that day would end up leaving me even more irritated and depressed. Then to close out the day Squirrel and all her girlfriends would end up here from 11pm to 5am playing cards and screaming all night while I engineered my annual Masters' Pool...which starts on Thursday.

On Monday night, I was real excited. I had a chance to win my SWEET 16 pool. Which would have netted me $145o. I needed Michigan State to win. Yeah, that went well! Then I had done a TITLE GAME SQUARES BOARD, similar to a Super Bowl Grid. $50 a square. While the game was going on, I was playing the Stud 8 or better tourney...one of my favorite games, and detroying it. With two tables left...okay I am not going to hide the fact that there were ONLY 20 players in this thing. Doesnt matter, if there were 50 or more I think I would have STILL made the Final Table. I love stud. Its the perfect game for someone with ADHD! Well, I had Suede Jacket Johnny working the floor and I had him sweating my numbers on the grid, for a 5% sweat fee. Just when it looked like my two numbers were about to win the 4th quarter for $1700...Michigan State fights for a game ending, meaningless layup...missing the jumper, getting the rebound...missing the put back...getting the rebound...NO NO NO....and then making the layup. Son of a ..........

Then, with 5 left in the stud tourney...I get rivered by this guy ...leading with two pair and a decent low...for a scoop chance...the guy rivers a freaking wheel to take it all, and leave me in bad shape. Then on the next hand I have FOUR to a nut flush, and four to a good low...and completely brick the next three cards...knocking me out 5th. For a whopping $400. On the other hand, I had a lot of fun...which was nice, since I had not been having a whole hell of a lot of fun all week. At the final table I was drinking Snappers with the 10+ railbirds who were watching and a couple of the other players at the table. There ended up being 3 guys at the table who were basically jackasses. One older player kept trying to get me 'reprimanded' for talking too much. TALKING TOO MUCH! "Make him be quiet!" I never skirted the rules. Not close. Simply guilty of having too much damn fun. Then I guess I was 'languaging it up' a little too much...John simply asked me to 'tone it down' which I completely agreed to do. Well, when I got rivered on that big hand, I mumbled under my breath something to the effect of "jeeezuz...drawing to seventh street with nothing and hits the miracle....fuuuuuuck me....." and dude on my left about jumps out of his chair...."He swore! He Swore!" You gotta be kidding me? Like a 6th grader. John (God love him) tells the guy "He wasn't directing it any of the other players sir, he was just disappointed in the hand, its not a penalty."

What a jerk. So I just sit there staring at him. Didn't say a word. So he says to Me...."why are you staring at me!?" "I'm sorry man, I cant help it...you are just so damn good looking I can't help myself." That might have tilted him a little bit. Incidently, the guy is ugly as sin. Not that I go that way...pretty sure you ALL know that!

I have had another fun little chapter develop in the LIFE OF A POKER PLAYER/POKER BLOGGER. To read this stuff is ONE thing. To comment is another. To comment you have to have a user name. Well, the other day...(I get my emails sent to me on my Blackberry) I am in a tourney...and I start getting all these messages, from a user who has given himself the name of THEPOKERMONKEYisDEAD. Cute eh? Well, he has read almost every post, and is shooting me these insidious comments after each. Wants to re-hash the whole 2+2 nightmare. Like we ALL didn't already KNOW the deal with all of THAT crap. Then he tracks my stats on Pokerstars and wants to tell me what a garbage online player I am. How bad I am. But when it got really good was when he told me he was going to kill me. That he was going to show up at an event and beat my ass. Hmmmm.

I took the high road. I sent him a reply, simply thanking him for reading all my articles, for taking the time to comment. Told him he appears a little 'unbalanced', agreed with him that I run bad online. Exlained a bit about the 2+2 nightmare. But also told him that hiding behind a computer and making empty threats were a little immature, and maybe foolhardy. I never got a response. But then yesterday, I am in the Mega satellite, which I would end up finishing a disappointing 12th (8 winners....dammit) when BJ McBrayer and Nicolas (last name escapes me) inform me that there is some asshole downstairs in the cash game telling people he is there to kill me. That I better watch out. I dont know...do I fear this jerkoff? Do I ignore it? I decide to go look for this fucker. I tell all the people who work in the poker room why I am there, in case this guy DOES do something stupid. I dont go looking for a fight. I just want to see who this asshole is, and ask him what his problem is with me. And maybe get him tossed from the place for making violent threats against me. Cincere' and Robin both show concern and assure me I will given their support. Smart to do that, with as much 'attention' I seem to attract in almost everything I do. Well, I don't find the guy. And no one makes themselves known to me. So, whatever...I go home. And get some sleep. Just woke up around 3am, feeling restless, maybe a little apprehensive about tomorrow's main event....and realizing I hadn't made an entry in over a week. I was reminded by this about 4 times in the last couple of days. Sorry to those of you I 'let down' by not making an entry in a while. Frankly, I just don't feel so fired up to write when I am running bad.

Its like...you know, when I am running GOOD, the last thing I want to do is hear about people who are running bad, or even be around them. So why would I want to write about how BAD I am running? I guess I just feel sometimes, like hopefully by writing about this awful, awful week, it will release some of the bad mojo...allow me to clear my head, and go into tomorrow with a fresh outlook. I have had three or four guys tell me "You know Monkey, fate is just testing you...you have been getting run down all week because you are going to get deep and do well in the Main Event!" Man, I sure hope they are right! I locked up my seat last week in a Mega Satellite. It wasnt exactly like a clean win. We got three handed and the one guy...Dundee wouldnt do any kind of a deal...so I had to split the seat with the other guy. So with my other 4 attempts in the Mega during the week, its like I am buying into the Main full price now. I really, really, really need a good showing.

OH WOW...I almost forgot. Yesterday, I got a FaceBook request from Steve Frezer, who is running the poker tourneys over at Harrah's New Orleans. Sweet. I messaged him to PLEASE let me know what the structures are going to look like. I spent all week here going back and forth with Johnny Groomes about these structures. He is adamant that these structures were good. That they assured good play at the Final Table. That they assured a two day early finish. I just dont agree. So we agreed to disagree. Level 4 and Level 5 are just a nightmare. Unless of course you had 3 times the average stack...then YEAH...you are in GREAT shape! But every single tourney we are losing 30 to 40% of the field between Level 3 and Level 5. Thats just sick.

So anyway...Steve sends me the structures for New Orleans and they are sweet. At least I think they are. And the few people I told today agreed as well. $550 event. 8000 starting chips. 40 minute levels. 25/50, 50/100, 75/150, 100/200, 100/200 with 25, 150/300 with 25, 200/400 with 50, 300/600 with 50 and on up with similar increases. Same structure in the $300's with a few less chips and 30 minute levels. Awesome...I am actually excited a bit for that event now. I hope they make the Sit N Go's better too. Forgot to ask about those.

THE BARN is lacking donkeys. The Tunica Stable was overflowing. The feedback from all of you on the Barn has been great. I will be honest though, I have not encountered a whole lot of donkey's at this event....so the Biloxi stable is going to be a little light. My buddy Bob, the dealer...disagrees and tells me he has seen AWFUL, AWFUL plays...hmm...maybe I have just avoided those guys. Most of my beatdowns this past week have all been at the hands of Demon Dealers! Maybe I need to put some of THEM in the Barn!!!! My personal nightmare....David "Freddy" Kruger showed up late last week. Turns out, he and Cub got heads up in that tourney Cub won up in Iowa. When they got heads up, Cub was looking at 40K in chips to the 'Nightmares' 500k or so. Cub came back to win. So they both already had history before him and I did! All three of us would play yesterday's Mega at the same table. I also had Tyler at my table. A tough table for sure. I would end up crushing Kruger finally. On the first, he would raise me light in the BB. I looked him up with A8h. The flop came AA9. Nice. Check. He fires 4000, leaving 4200 behind (5000 in the pot) and I just moved in. He insta mucks. Then I raise 3500 (600/1200) in MP with A10 suited....he insta shoves 4000. Cub tanks a bit and folds...what he told me was J8. Hmmmm. Kruger has 99. I flop an ACE and it holds. Wow. Turning the corner against Freddy? He's actually really a nice dude. I like him a lot. And he went out to Rincon after Tunica and cashed twice there too...so its obvious he can bring it. I just hope to hell he isnt at my Main Event table tomorrow. I have a really good seat at least, Seat 6, my favorite...so maybe things will go good tomorrow. I sure hope so!

One more thing. At this event...there is a $550 MEGA satellite as the final event, to try and win a seat in the FALL Main Event at the Beau Rivage. Anyone finishing in the TOP 5 of any Final Table win a seat into this. So basically, there is $2000 being pulled from the prize pool of every tourney. The winner gets a seat in the Main Event. There has been a lot of grumbling by players with these, who can't make the event. I have been offered those vouchers for as low as $300, and will probably end up buying one of them. There is concern that the BEAU RIVAGE is keeping whatever money isnt represented by whoever doenst show up to play that mega satellite. Well, I wanted to put those rumors to rest, so I talked to Johnny and Ken Lambert about it. They were very forthcoming on the matter. However many vouchers are issued, those chips will be put in play. The money WILL BE in the prize pool...so conceivably, this could be the best play of the whole event. I could see where maybe 45 of those vouchers are issued. Maybe 20 or 25 players BUY IN....for a total of, say 65 entries. So there could be around 6 seats awarded to the $5000 event. You may have as few as 30 people play the event. To those guys who can't play the event, and can't find a buyer for their seat....sorry guys. It does kind of suck. But on the other hand, you got one by finishing in the TOP 5...so at least you made a nice little score to ease your pain, right?

Okay, I am going back to sleep. To my fellow players...good luck tomorrow. To my friends and family...please say a little prayer for Senor Monkey, as I really, really could use a good day tomorrow, if not for my wallet, my state of mind!!!!

MONKEY