OLD AGE = Someone have a Xanax!!!???

Did you guys miss me?
Its been a whole freaking week since my last report.

When you last tuned in I was winning the Mega for September's Main Event at the Beau Rivage and recovering from bowling.

In the last week I have been chasing down weasels who owe me money for various 'ventures,' and am about sick of it. Look, if you owe someone money...and you KNOW you owe them money...just PAY THEM!

Some random thoughts.

I don't get Brittany Spears. No, no...check that. I don't get...her fans. How do you become a 'fan' of that noise that she sells/produces? It's not even music. Its not even a real voice. It's like something the computer generates. You listen to her songs and its like...."Is she kidding me?" What is THAT? How does she do a concert? Maybe the biggest sham/farce going today.

So I get a speeding ticket...a huge one...and I'm in hot water. Squirrel gets one...and she conveniently has her friend that she works with take it to her husband (who is a cop) and get it 'taken care of.' Thanks Sweetie, you are a real team player.

Why do people try the 'ol, "Thats weird that you haven't gotten that check I sent you...I sent it last week. Wow, I better call my bank and......." Please! Save it. You know you didn't send it, I know you didn't send it. What would really impress me, is if you just said...."Wow, you know what? I didn't send it yet. I suck. Let me get it in the mail right now. I'm sorry." I would RESPECT that!

I have more but I forgot them. Let's talk about poker.

I showed up at the Beau Rivage on Wednesday to play their nightly. Maybe it was Thursday. Yeah, I think it was. In fact...yes, it was...because on Tuesday and Wednesday I was in Pensacola getting my house ready to re-rent. The house is now empty. It looks fantastic. Only problem, both my potential renters fell through. So now I have an empty house.

So Thursday. No...that doens't make sense either...cuz as I was sitting at the bar in Pensacola, eating dinner and remembering all the reasons I am glad I don't live in Pensacola anymore I was thinking about writing this. Oh well...whatever. ONE DAY LAST week I played at the Beau...and there were a whopping 23 players who decided to show up. OH! But they were just starting their Tournament Leader Board contest that night. Yeah it was April 15th, whatever that day was.

The Beau is running this thing where there are two or three different 'sessions.' If you are in the Top 40 of a 'session' you become eligible to play a $10,000 Freeroll tourney at a time after that session ends. Which is great, unless. Unless, say you crush Session 1, end up like in the Top 5....then the freeroll is on June 7th'ish...which just so happens to coincide with you being in Vegas for the WSOP? Are you screwed? Can you move your spot to a later freeroll? A question for Johnny or Ken I suppose.

I will give you the nuts and bolts of that April 15th tourney. I made the Final Table. I finished 5th. For my efforts, I literally won back my buy in. I would have fallen $20 short...but I had a side bet with this guy at the table. Before Level 6 started, I proclaimed that there will be no fewer than 5 all in's this level...that I personally might be responsible for half of them! I got someone to take an over/under bet of 4.5 for $20. I of course took the over. We weren't even halfway into the level when my ALL IN became number 5. Ship the $20 sir, and oh yeah...ship me the pot (again!).

Okay...this was perhaps the biggest test of my patience in a tourney EVER! There wasn't just ONE of them...there were TWO. Old guys who took about 15 to 45 seconds on EVERY hand. I was about to have a come apart. Add that to the guy on my left with the nervous leg syndrome....who had his foot on that rail below the table...so that when he was 'going' the whole table was 'going.' Look I too have a bit of a NLS thing going on...but when my leg is 'going' I keep my feet away from the rail.

The first old guy I didn't mind that much because he was sitting next to me and was showing his cards. I mean...I didn't have to even TRY to look, they were just THERE. To not look would have required blinders like the ones race horses wear. It was hilarious the cards this guy was playing. What wasnt hilarious (depending on your point of view) was how lucky this guy was getting. Once, in a hand with Rooster...he limped in for 400 (with 44), where Rick made it 2000 on the button with what would have appeared to be something like JJ/QQ/KK. The flop comes 4-Q-5 and the old guy bets out 3000. Rooster goes into his 'deer in the headlights' pose. I am not going to break any rules here and give Rooster any 'signals' to tell him to fold but in my head I am willing him to fold. He sits there staring at the guy for a minute or two...and I've seen that Rooster look before. Rooster is about to go broke. Then it happens. ROOSTER FOLDS! Whoa! I couldn't believe it!
WOW! Nice bet on the flop sir. He checks there and Rooster is surely gone.

Oh make no mistake, this guy was horrible. Calling raises with shit like K3 suited, J7 suited, A4...he was our stereotypical 'nightmare' player. This was my favorite hand. At 150/300 I limp for 300 UTG with KQ offsuit. 5 people call. Decent pot. Dude is showing me K10. Mmmmm...the 'ol King Ten. The flop comes K high...like K-3-5 if I remember right, two hearts. I have the Q of hearts. Whatever. The old guy bets out 400. I smooth call (obviously)....one other person calls...then this guy who is famous for the late position squeeze raise doesn't disappoint and raises it to 2500. To me an obvious squeeze raise designed to take down the pot. Well, the old guy SMOOTH CALLS! Cue the Monkey to release the hounds. I immediately move all in for like 14K! Well, I know I have ONE OF EM beat!!!! Barring a three outer on the turn or the river. I will take my chances! Mr. 2500 on the button folds quickly. This is where the old guy gets confused (for the 25th time already). He is looking at the other guy....not knowing that I have gone all in....trying to figure out what the guy has, when we all tell him..."Sir, he just FOLDED...Monkey is ALL IN...its your turn to act." I am CERTAIN he is going to call...but then he folds. Dammit.

A couple hands later, he gets moved to another table. Double Dammit! Well, he is replaced by the other old guy. This guy was ten times worse. He has been put into the game by his Grandson, or son (???) for his birthday. He has never played before. (so he claims...and pretty believable) Once we arrive at the antes it became a friggin nightmare, not only for the players but the dealers. "Sir, I need your ante", "Sir I need your big blind" "Sir, its 800 to call, you can't bet 400." If he said "How much do I need to put out there to call?" one more time I was going to start punching myself in the face.

Holding 15k in chips with me holding 17k....he is under the gun...and literally looks at his cards and goes "Ohhhhh...." as his face lights up...and raises from 300/600 to 3000. Gee....wonder what HE has? AK? AQ? JJ? God only knows...but I am sure that when it folds around to me I am going to undoubtedly look down at something like KK/QQ. Which.....is exactly what happens. No shit. Pocket Kings. Now, I KNOW that against ANY OTHER PLAYER ON THE PLANET...I am re-raising here...probably all in...and frankly, I wish I had. But I KNOW he isn't folding...and not that I probably want him too...but whatever, I decide to just call and see a flop (fading an ace). So what hits the flop? An ace, of course. I check to him. And he bets....oh....I don't remember, I was too busy giving the dealer a snotty look to remember, lets just say it was more than I cared to lose...and folded face up.

A few hands later I raise on the button (with him in the big blind) with 99. He calls (of course) and the flop comes 10 high. He goes all in. I am getting that feeling now...you know....the one where you feel like your bones are slowly getting all together inside of your body...and planning, in one huge assault, to break free from the bonds that hold them together...picture if you will, 283 bones breaking free from your skin and just running loose and free all over the poker table, laughing at you! You know that feeling?

Revenge arrives on the next orbit. I raise on the button (AGAIN! Which for those of you who know me, KNOW how unusual button raising is for me!) with QQ. He...duh, CALLS...again, after finally figuring out the correct number of chips to put out there. Keep in mind, I am now 4x raising this guy. No problem. We like the flop. A-Q-7. Rainbow. He bets out 3000. Really? Okay, I call. The turn is the....we shall call it, non-threatening, 4 of spades. He bets out 4000. Leaving himself with 8K behind. This is funny. I move all in for a total of 7500. Or 3500 more. Into a pot that is now...Oh God....I don't know...well over 12k....and he insta-mucks! Incredible.

But don't fear...the Human Rain Delay will luckbox his way into getting all those chips back. We make the final table. He ends up doubling up with AQ vs. AK when he spikes a Q on the river. In his defense, he was a very sweet old man. And his son/grandson was very nice too. So...as mind-numbing as it was to watch him operate, he was at least likeable.

Which is more than I could say about the twit in the two seat (I was in the three). A player I play with a lot, in the 1 seat, who's name I don't know...was involved in a hand with this jackass. He raised preflop heads up in the blinds. Twit called. Flop comes A high. SB bets. Twit calls. Make a long story longer...by the river there was one ace, two kings, and a flush on the board. SB gets scared by the river and checks. Twit bets big. SB folds, and shows an Ace. Dickhead shows him a 4. Before I can even think about saying something....Seat 1 says..."ahh man, now come on...was that really necessary?" Exactly. What a prick. His comeback? "Oh I'm sorry, I don't play very much...I wasn't trying to make you mad." Yeah, right asshole. In the next few hands you would hear statements like "Well, I was getting 2.5 to one to make the call" and "I would have to say he was priced in to making the call with any two cards after that raise" then "There isn't a whole lot of chop equity in this tourney." Yeah, okay pal...you don't play much. The 'ah shucks' act just wasn't gonna work here slappy!

When he tried to explain himself I called bullshit on him. "Dude, that is about my biggest Top Ten Pet Peeve right there...showing your 4 just to piss the guy off. I'm telling you...you did that to me, like you did it to him...and I will knock the shit out of you. Not here, not in the poker room...never, ever in the poker room...but I will follow a mother(#@(*& out of the casino and into the parking deck!" That kind of shut him up. And I made it my mission to whack this guy.

I get my favorite hand (UTG) K9 and since I am low on chips...and its HIS big blind...I move all in. "Is that just because its MY big blind?" I tell him "Um..yeah, thats exactly why I am moving all in here. That and I have my favorite hand!" He folds.

I watch him pull an all in over the top of a raiser...who had AJ...then shows 44. And crows about it. Well, I am getting low again...and UTG I get 44! I think you all know what is coming. I shove. Folds around to him and he announces "Well, I have to call you!" What does that mean? QQ/KK/AA or AK??? Surely one of those. Nope. KQ offsuit. Flop? K-K-7. How nice. I do pick up a heart draw on the turn....brick. OUT. FIFTH. UGH. I am out of the GERITOL POKER CHALLENGE!!!! Lose to the twit. Have a nice day sir, and maybe think about a nose job. That thing is huge!

I resist sitting down and playing cash game. I go straight home. I win a SNG on Stars...and fall asleep. I wake up at 9am...and go to Pensacola. I get my yard and house looking marvelous. Then I stay at my friends hotel downtown for the night. I decide to go out 'on the town' in search of delicious food and possible entertaining conversation.

At the Crab Trap (new in Pensacola, next to Joe Patti) I sit at the bar, which is completely empty, except for one guy who I guess is the sushi guy's roomate. I order a dozen oysters on the half shell and a crunchy shrimp roll, which ends up taking the guy about 47 minutes to construct. Even though the place is dead. Oh yeah..it was a THURSDAY. The oysters are amazing, cold, and firm and very tasty. Meanwhile, the Karate Kid back there is still working on my roll. Why do sushi guys think they have to wear the fucking bansai bandana? To me its insulting. We all know you aren't a samarai dude. Just make my freaking sushi roll. It arrives. Its terrible. But the best part, was the guy telling me, "I hope you like it, usually it would be better, but I am kind of in a hurry to get out of here." ???? What the fuck? Did this guy really just say that? Well, he was right. It sucked. One of those rolls that never stays together. About the time you get your chop sticks around it, and start to dip in soy sauce it comes apart. Then the 'crunchy' part of the crunchy roll was like, and I am not kidding here....RICE KRISPIES! The good news though, was that everything on their sushi menu was grossly overpriced. They had some stupid name for their California Roll, and it was $9.99. I have never seen a California Roll for over $7. Not even in Vegas. We pay the tab (we being ME) and leave.

I go to the Fish House. Which has added a whole new bar out on the deck since my last visit. I cruise around looking...and finding mostly Cougars who should have never been let out of their cages. I look to find the candidate for 'most interesting bartender' to talk to. I find her. Here ya go...she is about 6 months pregnant. Yeah. That's something you don't see every day, right? We start out bad. She greets me, says she will be right with me. 17 minutes later I am still waiting. I finally get service. Glass of wine please. Menu please. Order a Scallop Risotto, which sounds great. I am excited. While waiting...I am entertained by this guy to my right...who is with two girls. One of the girls is kind of a 'poor mans' Christina Ricci...who coos and cawws at everything this guy says. The other is a conservative looking, but pretty girl of about 24...who I later find out is a defense attorney for the Navy. She is actually pretty smart and interesting, and about to move to D.C. NO! Leaving this SOCIAL HOTBED for D.C.??? Are you sure you want to make that move!???

Well, have you ever been that guy who is alone, at the bar...and can't help but observe listening to the people next to you? It's kind of awkward right? Except in this guy's case, I think he was WANTING to be heard. First let me describe this guy. Okay wait. I'm getting a visual. Ever watch Sex in The City? I think back to one of those scenes where they are all going out on dates, and they keep cutting to one after another...and there is one when I think Carrie is on a date with a short little weasel of a guy who acts and talks like he is the cats meow. That was this guy. About 5 foot 8...wearing a nice suit (at 10pm) with tie still on, and the jacket still buttoned up. Talk about 'office fresh appearance.' We will call him average looking. He will have you think he is 'The Ladies Man.'

I finally start laughing when he launches into this diatribe to the lawyer chick about "these are the FIVE things that every woman should know to do to keep her man" and started rattling them off. Wow. Okay, now I know I am getting old(er) and with older age comes a slight deterioration of the looks, but folks, 'ol Monkey here at one time had some SERIOUS game. I knew pretty much all the in's and out's of womanizing. How to get them, how to keep them, how to ditch them if necessary...it was pretty much my greatest single talent...and yeah, I am now happily engaged to a wonderful (most of the time!) woman who I have no desire to cheat on or replace, and with that comes a certain inner peace to know that I have climbed the mountain, seen the view...and am content to go back to the base camp and make a nice little foothold there.

So with all that in mind, sitting and listening to this guy was absolutely the most hilarious thing I had heard in...well, maybe 2009. Not sure which was my favorite...but probably this one, complete with the stupid facial expression that went with it...."you gotta keep that body rockin!" ahhhh yes, the 'ol keepin that body rocking demand. Because all of us guys are so good at keeping OUR body rocking after 3 to 10 years of marriage. Rigggghhht! True, I probably don't want to imagine racing home to have sex with a woman who is about 30 to 50 pounds over weight...but to hear this guy put it the way he put it...wow. Oh another of his 'ways to keep your man' that made me throw up in my throat was his insistence to 'keep it spicey!' like dressing up in unusual outfits. Dude. QUIT READING COSMO DUDE! You are a fucking MAN! That does not APPEAL to us normal guys. If I come home and Squirrel is prancing around in some sexy french maid outfit...I am going to think and act a few ways. (a) Sweetie, is that your Halloween costume this year? (b) Did you guys get new uniforms at work, dear? and/or (c) Wow, a real life French Maid has come to clean the house? Awesome!

My risotta arrived. She (Heather the pregnant bartender, who by the way is unmarried and about to become another single mother) delivers it and warns that the plate is hot, even though she clearly has her hand firmly placed on the plate. What is the deal with "be careful the plate is hot!" I think this is something dreamt up by the restaurant people years ago to make you THINK that your food just came out of the pan and is piping hot and fresh. Don't we ALL almost always grab the plate to see JUST HOW HOT it is? I do. And in this case...the plate wasn't even WARM! And neither of course, was the food. In fact, it was barely warm. The good news (for her) was that I was a bit high, as well as into my third glass of wine, and hungry...so I didn't even care. She wanted to take it back but I told her to never mind. The scallops were also undercooked. Oh well. I ate every bite, all while listening to the guy who lives under the bridge tell his tales of how to keep a woman.

Finally the troll and his ladies depart. I can't decide on a dessert so I order three of them, one to eat and two to take to my hotel room. Creme Brulee, which I eat there, and was amazing. Key Lime Pie, which at 3am was phenomenal, and Tiramisou, which at 10am the next day was also incredible. Yes, dessert was truly the highlight of my Fish House experience. I awoke early and spent the next day wrapping up things at the house, which included a climb up a 45 foot ladder to cut the dead foliage off the bottom of my two palm trees. What a nightmare. Then...as I am about to be finished, I look down at the ladder, one of those extended ladders, and see that there is a crack in it! It is getting bigger...and any second the thing is going to SNAP..sending me to the ground, from 45 feet up. I am working alone. I am sure to break something. My back? My neck? Maybe a leg? All while not having any health insurance. I am certain I have seen this in a movie before. Oh my God...I slowly slither down the ladder...with one eye on the ladder (and fissure), one eye on the ground...and the other eye...oh wait, yeah, I only have TWO eyes don't eye, I mean, I? Yeah...well, I made it to the ground safely.

So, two questions. (1) If that had broken, and I had been thrown to the ground and severely injured, would I have been able to sue the ladder maker? And if so, for how much? (2) Where in the hell do you throw away a ladder that big? Do you just leave it somewhere and let THEM take care of it? Like, maybe outside the back door of a SubWay sandwich shop?

This entry is getting really long. Really, really long. It is Monday. I want to tell you about my weekend on Stars and my shitty 15k guarantee at the Beau Rivage on Sunday...but I think I will have to wait. Plus, it is sunny outside, its 1:30 only...and I am pale as a ghost. Oh, and rumor has it, we are going bowling again tonight. GREAT, just as my knee was getting back to normal. Squirrel is out there now...wearing the ugliest pair of panties I have ever seen. I think I will join her. I have a new book, "CUBA" another Stephen Coonts novel. Just finished the other one by him...the DEEP BLACK: CONSPIRACY book I was reading. Lets go get some sun. Maybe tonight on the way to go bowling we can stop by Saki and get some REAL sushi.

A quick little shout out to my boy Allie Prescott, who is on FIRE. Were it not for a couple of total shitstorm, horrendous beats at the Final Table...he would have probably won two, maybe three of the recent Ceasers Circuit events out in Vegas...as it is, he still has four big final tables this year and is sitting in 37th in POY points as he heads into the $25,000 Five Diamond Main Event at the Bellagio. He won an event at the Foxwoods last month, then final tabled another one two days later. I hope he does something big in this Bellagio event, could make for a very FUN summer for us! Well, and I just like to see my buddies win. Even if I am a bit envious, for the shitty year I have been having so far this year. Granted, four final tables and 7 cashes would be good for most people right? Not anymore. Unless those four final tables had resulted in say...a 1st, a couple 2nds and a 3rd ...then we would at least be about +$100,000 for the year. Such is the poker life. Going to get my tan on now!!!!

MONKEY