Clap On...Clap Off.....

If there is a pharmaceutical out there capable of getting me through this current stretch of poker without doing harm to myself, I am currently accepting all experimental 6 packs. Please inquire for a mailing address!

I am thinking of going 'chronological' with this entry, complete with time codes.

I woke up this morning to a buzzing phone and an email from Kai Landry, who has finally put his ridiculously gifted use of the English vocabulary to good use and created a new blog entry for us all to read and either (a) enjoy and/or laugh at, or (b) sit there with your dictionaries and look up every fifth word to try and figure out what 'that word means.' I fear that there is an outside chance that Mr. Landry may possibly be alienating a wide cross-section of potential readers with his DEEEEEEP thoughts and often times remote references that only the truly gifted can decipher. I, of course, am one of those that GET IT. So I will read and enjoy (and often giggle at) all of Kai's contributions. I can think of at least 5 of my fellow poker player-slash-buddies that also are on deck with Kai's eloquence. Moving on.

I am home on the couch. It is 3:11 pm. It is Sunday. 100 players today. Level 3. Okay, lets just start with this one I guess. Not sure I can really pull off Chronological. Hmmmmm...or can I? Do I go Quentin Tarantino on you guys here? Start at the end and work my back to the start by going TO the middle, or IS IT the beginning? Always so confusing his movies.

I will say this. I procurred a new experimental form of Aderol the other day from a fellow player who 'feels my need' and simply gave them to me. A real 'team player', the best kind of human being. As I have always been extra generous with my fellow players when I felt their need for the occassional muscle relaxer or mild pain sedative was required. Not one to feed the junkie, and not one to profit off of my limited supply...I feel its always good form to treat others as you hope to god they treat you later in life. Or a tournament. Such was the case.

This tourney is officially OVER. Except for that high value Mega into this fall's $5000 Main Event that happens on Monday, which I will play, for free...in exchange for 30% of my action should I win a seat. Pretty good deal for both of us, as he couldn't be here to play it, and I am a pretty good bet to win. Sorry, I am biased. I think I am good. So on this trip, I ended up making three Final Tables, none of which I finished higher than 5th in. Once upon a time I would be happy with this outcome. Not any more. This is what sucks about thinking you are good. And having a backer who thinks you are good. You expect and are expected....TO WIN.

THIS JUST IN! Claudia Crawford has just entered my house. As I was standing on the tub looking over the top of the shower telling Squirrel about the beatdown I just got done taking and how I have subsequently rushed home to perform my yard duties (brownie points) Claudia walks in. Ya'all...I have finally stopped laughing. Our favorite little Alabama Redneck affectionately known (branded by Moi) as "The Claw" has just strolled in (will NOT let me take her picture...damnit!) sporting the funniest thing I have ever seen her in! Picture this now. Black dress pants. (loosely using 'dress') White collared button down. Green Vest. Thats right. VEST! And a black bow tie. After I finished laughing, I asked her what the hell was up with the outfit...and literally asked her if she was either (a) auditioning for the next St Pauli girl or (b) slinging plates at an Irish Pub.

Whooops. Being a good sport, and having her priorities in life straight, and not being ashamed of 'doing what you have to do' she let me know that, YES...she was working as a waitress at Mama Mahoney's, that place that Bob Mahoney owns...you know? That guy who ended my 10k Beau Rivage event LAST January in 27th place (paying 18) when his 55 busted my KK and leading me to contemplate firebombing his restaurant for at least 4 months before finally deciding I preferred to be free and getting sucked out on than being incarcerated and getting sucked off! Well, she was happy to tell me that yeah, she is waitressing there, and enjoying it. Good for her. I love that girl. She has had a horrible year in poker. As has Gabe. Two of the best poker players I know. Coupled with how I am running, how Brandon Jarret is running, how BJ McBrayer is running (in live, NOT online!) it just makes me realize just how evil this game can be. And how HUGE it is if you have a backer who REALLY, REALLY believes in you and is willing to stay behind you. When you don't have a backer, and you run bad for any extended amount of time...you may just find yourself...walking up to a table and uttering the phrase, "Good evening, its good to see you...I hope you will enjoy having a Monkey take care of you this evening...I'm sure it will probably be the first time for you. I will promise that I will take care of you, and as long as you take care of me...no poo will be flung!"

LETS DO THIS!

Dateline. Friday. 12:28pm. $340 buy in. 86 players. Monkey has Q10. Blinds are 25/50. Limped pot. Flop 10-Q-7 rainbow. SB checks. I check (with intent to raise). Other two check. Dammit. K on the turn. SB bets 550. I raise to 1500. Everyone else folds. He calls. WTF!?? AJ? J9? Crap! River is a 3. He checks! WHAT? I have never seen this player. He is definitely a barn candidate. So knowing this...I just check. He has K10. (!*@#*(&!#@ Lovely.

Friday. 2:25pm. Having managed to make a couple of well timed all ins behind hands where 1 or more limped and taken down enough pots to get back to 2300...I raise with AQ and get two callers. Flop comes QQ7. I check. Other two check. Turn is 9. I check again. Guy on the button decides to get cute and bet all but 25 of my stack. Ha....nice one schmuck. I simply CALL! And leave 25. Say a few choice words and throw my quarter in on the river...which happened to be a K...oh! Go ahead, show me KQ....nope. He claims a Q though. Sure thing pal. Monkey doubles up.

Friday 5:45pm. Monkey has been on a tear. I have 17K. We are down to 23. I am starting to 'feel it.' Old guy on the button says...TO ME..."better be careful Monkey, I am due to get a big hand!" I tell him I am too, as I havent gotten one in 15 hands. And that one was actually crap too, but I stole the blinds with it! Think it was 910 suited. Here we go....UTG raises from 200/400 to 1200. I look down at good 'ol AA. And by the way, for those who dont believe any of these hands...Johnny Groomes personally witnessed ALL of these! I make it 3650 to go. Old Buzzard Boy looks down, and without even hesitating moves all in! Jerry (can't remember his last night, but a regular at the Beau) blurts out "that sound you all just heard was Monkey's butt cheeks clapping shut!" To which I turned 45 degrees to my right and simply replied, "You are wrong Jerry."

First raiser folds. I insta-call with, ahem....again...AA. Geritol Guy turns over...ya ready....pause for laughter here and effect...A-10 offsuit. Looks like Monkey is about to pick up another 12k and move to well over 30K. Sweet. Lets see what we can do here dealer. Flop comes 5-4-4. Hmmm...okay. 3 on the turn. Wait...oh no...don't do it! The lady on my left says "he just needs a two!" and what hits the river? A fucking two! CHOP. !*(&@#&(!#@

Friday 6:05pm. We are down to 15. I have been picking up numerous small pots. I am now up to 32K. Blinds are 800/1600 and I pick up JJ. There is this blonde lady at our table who is...well slightly overweight (being nice) and has been annoying the SHIT out of me all day. Not sure why. She hasn't done anything wrong. Hasn't said anything to me. I am just finding everything about her annoying. So when she looks down in the SB and INSTA shoves for 18K...I have a major decision. Fold, and still have 28K. Which is about average. Call, and be right...that I am ahead here...and win...I have a LOT of chips, and am well situated for a deep final table run? Hmmmm. I sit and look at her for about 3 minutes. I say to her "I am pretty sure you have either AK or 1010. Which isn't very reassuring." I pick something up when I say that...I don't know, some twitch or something...so I convince myself that she does in fact have one of those hands. I CALL. She turns over 10-10. I table my J-J and the whole table starts in with the "wow Monkey...how did you know?" Doesn't matter now...lets see what the flop brings. The flop brings a damn 10. I dont catch a J. Siggghhhhh. Back down to 14K.

Can't catch anything else before Suede Jacket Johnny sends us on a 1 hour dinner break. Great...walk around and mumble to myself for an hour about how unfair this year is, about how I am probably about to bubble a tournament I should be chipleader in.

7:22pm. While on dinner break, someone approaches me and tells me that some Omaha cash game player I'm not even sure if I KNOW...has been telling people he observed me say to another player that "I hope you get Diabetes!" WHAT? I go looking for this guy. Can't find him. People, you all know I am kind of crazy. You all know that I am capable of some pretty good one-liners, or spicey, whatever or however they affect your sense of humor. But there are certain things that are out of bounds for me. Life threatening illness is one of them. Cancer. AIDS. Alzheimers. Muscular Dystrophy. Down's Syndrome. Diabetes. My Mother has Diabetes, my brother has Down's. I would never use ANY thing in this zone to attack a fellow player...and I think that ALL OF YOU who know me, know this. So whoever this Jack Wilson guy is...I say to you....I hope when you get home tonight, your dog has caught rabies from a raccoon...and attacks you while you are sitting in your favorite lazy boy recliner! Don't worry, there is a cure for Rabies. There is NO cure for spreading false rumors about Monkey.

7:30pm. I return from dinner break. First hand. A8. Cutoff. ALL IN! Fold, fold, fold. Scoop 4000 chips. Up to 18K. Next hand A10s. ALL IN! Fold, Fold, Fold, Fold. Scoop 4000. Up to 22K. Three hands later...AJc. Raise to 4500. Lady in SB...looks down, looks at me...and Moves all in for 10,200. Great. 5700 to call. Getting two to one to call. Shit. We all hate this hand...but I don't see any way I can fold. I tell her I hope she has K-high, and she says "nope, Q high!" and turns over Q9c. Oh, lovely. Perfect, another hand where we are dominating pre-flop. No suspense here folks. Board runs out J-9-9-K-Q. Full house for the lady who thought with the button on the next hand, it would still be a good play to move in with Q9 when she could be fairly certain that I wasn't going to fold. Just another great play by another great player. Andddddd we are now back down to 12K. Nice. There are now 12 left.

8:15pm. Having moved all in once and getting a walk and gotten the stack back up to 15,500...Visor Boy...who if he wasn't somehow dared by someone to run half naked through the forest of trees that the ugly stick came from...sort of, in a bizarre way looks a bit like Brad Pitt...decides to raise to 5500...with the blinds 800/1600. I look down at AQc. I watched him before his bet...and knew he didnt feel very good about raising. Maybe the reason for such a large raise. But I was trusting my read...putting him on something like QJ, K10 suited...something 'not so tasty' and was just trying to chip up a little. SO I MOVE ALL IN, and PRETTY QUICKLY. "Wow, I just got these chips.....hmmmm....do you have JJ again?" I tell him..."Sir, I DO NOT have JJ." Which causes him to INSTANTLY CALL!

What are you all putting him on THERE? Are you as stumped as me? Well, I didn't have to wait as long as you guys are....he turns over (snicker snicker) KJ offsuit. Now we are laughing. However, those cards are LIVE...right? And this is 2009. I get up and hover behind the dealer..peeking over his shoulder...as the flop comes 4-5-2. Okay so far. 8 on the turn. Okay, okay...dont do it to me. 5 on the river!!!!! WOW! Monkey wins Monkey wins. I have the guy covered, just barely...and we are now down to 11, and I now have a pretty decent stack at around 38K.

9:20pm. We get to 10. We all move to the Final Table. Yipppeee! Back, at the Final Table. Gary (always forget his last name...good player!) is the small stack, and asks me to do the 'money for 10th' pitch. He feels awkward since he is small stack. And he would do it for the 10th guy if HE were chipleader...so of course I do the presentation, and everyone is on board with it. In my SB...Gary ends up going all in (with 99) and it folds around to a guy who I can only describe as.....well, hmmm...you know what? The guy did join Monkey's Red Snapper Posse, along with 4 others at the table when we got to the Red Snapper Presentation...so I will take it easy on him.

Rooster ORDERED me earlier to put this guy in the barn. I had him at my table earlier. He has a thing about stacking his chips as HIGH as he can get them before they have no where else to go but all over the table. And he also likes calling ANY raise and ANY small'ish ALL IN with ANY ace. He min-raised under the gun....Rooster looked at AQ...moved all in for quite a bit, but which 'Twin Towers' later deemed to be 'not much more to call' and called with A4. Not sure what he hit...but whatever it was put Rooster on the rail.

So this guy goes over the top all in. He is chipleader. I look down at AJd. Had I had a crystal ball, I would have called, taken over the chiplead...and probably won the tournament. But like a good player, I folded. He tabled QQ. Flop comes A-4-8. J on turn, 3 on river. Gary is out. And goofy over there has more chips to stack to the sky.

9:45pm. I raise 6000 (from 1k/2k) from UTG with AQ. Donkey on the button calls. Another guy I hope I never have to play with again. BB completes. Great. Come on dealer! Flop comes a disgusting 10 high. I watch the guy go to grab chips before I even begin to act and decide a c-bet here is proabably a VERY bad idea. I am right, as I check and he fires out 10K with what I am sure is A10. Sigh! Down to 22K

9:50pm. Very next hand. In BB....with AKh. UTG raises to 5500. It folds around to me. I suppose I could have flatted here...and seen a flop. It wouldn't have been the worst play. But this was a guy who had done a lot of raising with a lot of pretty shitty hands. And if I move all in and he folds, I am pretty pleased with that pot. If he calls, and god forbid I am actually ahead, I double up. I think All In is the right play here. Feel free to send me your thoughts on this hand. He has me covered but only by about 3000. He tanks for a long time. And I think he just about to fold when he suddenly pushes them in. He has JJ. Good 'ol JJ. Not my favorite hand on this trip. Dealer gives me NOTHING. Thanks Melissa. Still love ya though. Not your fault. Just NOT running good this year. I go out 9th. A very disappointing 9th. For another huge score of $700.

10:00 pm. After going downstairs and telling Squirrel that I am out...I decide to turn left instead of right (for the door) and go to play a little 1/2 for awhile. I commit myself to ONLY coming off of $200. $200 becomes $400 when my KQ gets K10 to go all in on a board of K-9-Q-7-3. I float around 400-500 for about 2 hours. Then it happens. Like it always does. A old, goofy looking moron shows up in the 9 seat. They are always the ones who stack me. On a limped pot with 9-10...we catch a pretty nice flop of 9-9-J. Hmmm.....this should be good. Two checks and a guy bets $5. I raise to $15. Donkey boy CALLS. Other guy folds. 8 on the turn. I now have trips with a straight draw. This guy checks to me. ???? Hmmm...I check now...hoping to fill up or improve to a straight, which I do when the 7 hits the river. He bets out 45. I raise to 120. He goes all in. Its another 45 to call. Jeezuz...lets see it Goofball. Pocket 8's. Boat. Jeezuz.

I win a couple hands to get back to respectability, once flopping K-K-8 holding K8. That was fun. Once flopping three spades holding 10s-5s and play it pretty good...getting about as good a value as I could. Start feeling a little better. Then I make a VERY stupid play!

By the way...is anyone STILL reading this entry? I know it HAS to be getting wayyyyyyy long!

I have KQ. This kid keeps making it $7. He does it again. And it usually means he has Ax. The flop comes 10-10-7. He checks. Duh. Me too. Turn is an Ace. I know he's betting. He does. I decide to get cute here and raise. He just calls. Damn. Well, Josh has to put the one card I REALLY didnt need to see on the river. A damn J. Broadway. Are we excited? Or are we feeling that feeling we get when we know we are about to get the Beau Rivage Beatdown? A little bit of both I suppose. He bets into me...$40. Okay. Do I just call the $40 and hope my straight is good against...what? Trip tens? Maybe AJ? Two pair? Or has this guy masterfully played A10 against me here? Shit. I feel like NOT raising SOMEthing would be stupid, convinced that if I min raise...he will either pay me off or try to push me out with an all in? I should have just CALLED there...with the paired board. But I decide to be stupid and min riase to $80. HE PUSHES ALL IN. Another $220 to call. SHIT!!! And I just KNOW I am dead. But now...there is like fixing to be $600 in the pot. And if he DID have a FuLL HOUSE...why is he pushing all in? Because he thinks I might be dumb enough to call? Well, I was dumb enough to call...and he shows me A10. Wow. And you guys wonder why I fade the cash game.

Here is how it finishes up. I pull out another $200. Maybe 5 hands in this new kid at the table raises...and I pick up AQ...Q of clubs. I call. As do three others. The flop comes Ad-5c-8c. Hmmm. Not bad. I check. Another check. Kid bets $25. I decide to play this one with some balls. I raise to $55. Fold. And he calls. Just calls? 7 of clubs on the turn. Top pair. Good kicker. Good flush draw. I bet out $75. He puts me all in. Its another $50. I can't really fold. Blank on the river...he turns over AK...with the A of clubs. Wow. That sucks. I am done! I shake the kids hand....and say goodbye.

12:20am. Walk in door. See shiny glass instrument laying on kitchen counter. I fill it up with a plant like matter, set fire to it....and inhale. Then walk to bedroom. Lay down. Attempt to check email. Pass out. Squirrel calls. I am going to Venues with my friends. You are invited to join us. No thanks. I pass back out.

3:34am. Phone rings again. "Sweety, what's that called when everyone is sitting around talking...and then suddenly there is that long pause where no one says anything?" Um...okay...you are thinking of a 'pregnant pause' dear, but in YOUR case...where you and your 7 friends are all in the same room...and ALL OF YOU stop talking for more than 2 seconds...that is simply called a 'once in a lifetime occurrence' sort of like an eclipse or a comet that strikes Earth and ends life as we know it, and we should probably call up the people at 'Ripley's Believe It or Not.' I go back to sleep.

11:15am. Wake up. Send out Master's Pool Update to the 84 players in this years pool. Notice that I appear now to have no chance to win. Great. Check my email and see Kai's hilarious entry.

12:22pm. Walk into the Beau Rivage. Get my typical Seat 10, punishment for being late. Notice that I have 5 good players at my table, 3 horrible players, and 2 unknowns. Also at my table is Dan Walsh, my....ahem...buddy from Atlanta who just two days ago knocked me out of the Main Event with his over-played JJ vs. my AA...and who I really wish would quit his over-the-top damage control efforts to win back my affections. Its very hard to stay mad at him...hes just too fucking likeable. The asshole.

I lose the first few hands I play. In fact on my first hand...and with one of UNKNOWNS raising 250, I look down at AK, behind THREE callers. Um, hmmmm...lets just not get stupid here. I call. Just call. Flop comes crap and I get out of the hand.

1:15pm. Having just lost another hand and now sitting on 3800 chips I decide to play 5d7d for 100. Four in the hand. The flop comes Qd-5c-9d. Nice eh? Unknown old guy bets out 350. Fold, Fold..to me...oh yeah, I call. Other guy folds. Turn is a brick. But gives me a gutshot. A black 8. He checks. Checks? Hmm...wonder if HE is also on a flush draw. Might need to root for a 6 here. River is an Ace of Diamonds. Tricky. He bets.....you ready? ONE HUNDRED! If you can't read...he bet $100! Into a pot that is roughly $1000. Um....sir, I just made my hand...and I have to raise you a little bit at least. I will make it 300. What does he do? HE SHOVES ALL IN! For very close to what I have. But not as much. I know this...because after talking it out...and watching his face react when I tell him I have a flush...(in my mind I was at first fearing that he had a bigger flush and was just baiting me with the 100 bet, which might be what a GOOD player would do...but this guy was NOT good) I think I spot a hesitation when I say flush. But I can't be 100% positive.

I look at my watch. Its still early in the day. Its a sunny day. The lawn needs to be mowed. Then I count my chips. I will have 750 left. Well, yesterday I engineered a major comeback from shortstack. Hmmm. And I think I am good. I call! Good Call! He turns over A9. Off suit. Have a nice day sir. I now have 7500 chips. Sweet.

2:35pm. Jennifer Gladden has just busted out to a young redneck with a Georgia Bulldogs hat...who after limping in with K7d....and calling a big 4x raise on the button by Jenn (sporting QQ I'm pretty sure) he flops four to the flush on the flop...checks, calls her 1500 bet.....the turn is a blank and he checks...Jenn checks when she should have moved all in for her last 2500 there...but lets him catch a diamond on the river to whack her.

Well, I pick up K7d in the SB...and with 5 limpers for 200 I am not folding there EVER for another 100. I tell the guy next to me...this hand could be interesting...with me having K7d and the PUNK from UGA in the hand...who by the way has just quickly donked off about 1500 of those chips since dumping Jenn.

Flop comes K-7-10. Rainbow. Wow! I am 2nd in chips at the table with 8500. This old guy in an Alpha Romeo jacket bets $650 behind me and the BB's checks. Everyone folds to me...and I raise to $2500. Old man Racing Jacket is the chipleader at our table. BB folds. He insta shoves. Come on! Not again. Can I possibly be getting drilled by the demonistic K-10 AGAIN!??? No way in HELL this guy has 10-10 or 7-7. or AK. He would have raised with ALL of those hands. Well....what to do, what to do. Fold, and still have 6700 chips. Which would be just fine. Or call...thinking, almost KNOWING...that this clown has KQ or KJ...but also knowing how BAD these dealers have been coolering my ass....but calling and fading the suckout...and be sitting here with over 18k in level 3...in a small field...with a chance to almost coast to the final table!?? I'm conflicted...but then the 'good' poker player in me takes over...and I tell him..."Sir, I am 95% certain that you have KJ or KQ...and I really want to see if I can fade the suckout for once this year! I call!" He turns over KQ. Johnny Groomes is standing there. I get a couple looks...the usual ones..."wow, Monkey...great call, great read!" Its one thing to be good. Its another thing to be right. And its another thing altogether to sit there and pray that the dealer doesn't roll out two cards like A followed by A...to again...fuck me in the ass!

I walk over to the couch by the final table...and lay down on it...face down...and just scream into a cushion. I don't move for what felt like an hour. Johnny came over and offered his condolensces. Disgusting. I go collect my bag, my monkey and my iPod and leave the building. Again...the victim of a ridiculous beat. I guess the only good thing about all this is that EVERYONE now KNOWS how awful my luck has been. Pretty sure none of them are saying things when I leave like..."Wow, can you believe how awful Monkey just played today!???"

And now...here we are...5:59pm. I have been writing this for over two hours. That damn second chance tourney starts in one hour. The lawn needs to be mowed. My dogs would probably like me to throw them the ball. I need to go to the bathroom. These jeans are making me crazy. And that new Aderol I took 20 minutes before that old retard busted me is now raging in full effect...so I kind of think I should go see if I can make one more attempt at demonstrating that SKILL actually wins once in awhile.
Anyone care to join me?

Sorry for the length of this entry...but you know??? When I start writing sometimes I just can't stop!!!!

MONKEY