WED, FINAL TABLE, THURS, FINAL TABLE...nice trend!

Last day of April, and I finally feel like maybe this year is starting to come around for me. Actually this day was ALMOST perfect.

Wrapped up a phone conversation that led me to believe I finally had found a tenant for my house in Pensacola last night and set an appointment for 3 today to get her all set up and collect her money. Drove over there, and while driving over there bought into a $12/180pp sng, a $11/27sng, a $12/45pp sng and a $80 satellite into the WSOP. There would 98 players in that, and 11 players would win a seat into the big $650 satellite on Sunday into the Main Event. I started good in all of them but the $12/180. I was out of that quick when my 1010 ran into the inevitable donkey AK shove and saw the K hit the flop. Whatever. Got deep in the $12/45 and had JJ lose to A10. Nice. Then with 10 left in the $11/27 I have KK and get beat by AK. Come on Pokerstars! Give me a break. Just the $80 satellite left now.

I pull into the driveway in Pensacola, the lady is already there, dammit. 26 left. While walking her through the house I get AK in the BB, suited...with a short stack shove, followed by a bigger stacks' all in, which after watching this guy for awhile was certain was an isolation shove. I called. I was up against his A-10, and the shortstacks 8-8. I flop an A....it holds and now I have 12k and am 3rd out of 25. NICE!

Finish showing her the house while folding. Get her money. Sign the lease. On the way to our cars, I get AJc in the BB and the small stack shoves 2800 at me. I call. He has 1010. Yikes! I flop an ace. Sweeeet! Now hold. He has a heart. One. He flopped two. Catches another on the turn, and ANOTHER one of the damn river. Son of a bitch. Down to 8k. Fold to numerous SHOVES for the next five orbits and now am getting low with 7k. Am 10th out of 12 now. Ughhh....don't let me NOT win this damn thing.

Finally I pick up QQ...and think, "you know what? With the blinds 400/800, I am NOT even going to screw around here...I shove all in. I get insta-called by the guy behind me...and voila! He has, of course...AA! Son of a bitch! And to make it worse, he flops an ace. I pick up a flush draw on the turn...just like the guy with 10's did....can I catch a club on the river? Hell no. OUT. 12th. Fuck meeeeeeee!

I don't play any more on the drive home. Instead I jam out. And race to the Beau to play tonights 6pm tourney. I am on a mission. I want to either win or at least finish in the Top 5 in the current Tournament Leaderboard contest. Why? Not really sure, since the $10k freeroll is on June 7th and I will be in Vegas and unable to play it. I guess I am just competitive and want to win. Last night we had a whopping 34 players. I would never have a pair higher than 10s. But I had them 3 times. I also had 66 three times. Hit a set with them twice. On one hand, that would sort of define my night, this guy...lets call him SuperClown, cuz that is what he is....limps, for about the millionth time....for 400. I had earlier limped behind this fool with 88 and let the BB see a free flop with K fucking 5...and flopped 555. Yeah, cute. That hand only cost me about 3k. I wasn't going there again. So I raise to 1200. It comes back to ClownBoy and he decides to move all in.

>>>>?????<<<<<< HUH? The bullshit alarm goes off, and frankly, I am both (a) sick of this guy and (b) sick of jackasses making these stupid hero plays....so I call. He turns over A10. I catch a pretty nice flop....5-7-8. Nice. Any 9 will do, then he can hit his 10 and I won't care. Oh God, dealer puts a freaking 10 on the turn. BOOM! 6 on the river. See ya clown! Later, a fairly decent player raises UTG....Rick (forget last name, looks like an Indian, a real one....pony tail, shirt sleeves torn off his shirt, a guy who you would maybe want to drink shots with but not fight) goes all in for like 4k. I look down at 1010...yeeeesh....maybe/probably the best hand but a hand I've been running pretty bad with lately. I am about to fold, then remember I bought in for only $130 and first place is only $1500....pretty much need to accumulate chips and run over the final table to win this thing...so, thats when I call. Player #1 folds. Rick has 88. Tens hold and now I am rolling. Rick very politely shakes my hand and wishes me luck. Very classy.

I make two pretty big plays, one with A10, when I get a guy raising early with AQoff to fold when I move all in behind his raise. Then with Q10 in the BB and calling a min raise along with the SB...get him to fold QJ on a board of Q97....the turn gave me a straight and flush draw...he bets out, I move in....and he folds, showing me QJ. Phewwwwww. I have to assume I got both of those laydowns based purely on respect, and because both players are good enough players to think I may have them beat. Any donkey there calls, and I am probably fucked. AGAIN...the reason you want GOOD players at your table. Good players will fold 75% of the time if they THINK they might be beat...>DONKEYS? NEVER! EVER! NOT IF YOU PAID THEM!

I make the final table with quite a few chips. But only 5 are getting paid. THANK GOD. I don't remember much about how we got down to 5...but we did, and once there, someone wanted to do a save, with each of us getting $500 and leaving like $600 to play for. Okay. I guess thats cool, we were all about even in chips. Limpy limp-meister, there seems to be ONE of these guys (or more) in about EVERY tourney at the Beau these days...limping at EVERY level, no matter what the blinds, he limps again on the button. A great place to limp for 4000. Well, dude (again, forget his name, good player, buddy of Rays from New Orleans; who blogs on here but never writes anything) moves all in for 27K in the SB and I look at KQ. I have 58K. Well, I saw him do this earlier with a shitty ace. Whatever, I am kind of freerolling here anyway...and if I can whack him...I have a huge chiplead...and feel like I am the best player at the table...so....I call. He has A4. Okay. I'm okay with that. He flops an A. Dammit. I turn a K. Oh there is a 10 out there....so...how about a J? or K? Or a Q? Yeah? NOPE. Ugh. I live for few more hands...than UTG raises (with A8h)...next guy flat calls (horrible play by him with 10-10) and I wake up with AK in the BB. I am all in for the 12k plus another 13,500. They both call. I catch NOTHING. Flop comes two hearts...Ricky moves all in and gets called. He bricks out. We both go out, 4th and 5th. No big deal. I pick up another 10 pts on the TLB board and now am in the top 10. I go home! Thats right, no left turn to play cash game. See ya bitches!

So, tonight's tourney. I sit down and within 10 minutes have arrived at the conclusion that I will be out in my car with the next 22 minutes. Remember the TWIT from the Final Table last week? Had him in the 3 seat. And in the 2 seat we had the guy we all hate. Calling with ATC, raising with ATC...and luckboxing his way to an early stack of over 30k. He is beating players who have hands like JJ/QQ/KK oh and of course AA. He is a cash game playing, sun visor wearing...FUCKSTICK. And the twit is playing about the same way. I manage a lucky double up. At 50/100 the typical raise seems to be about 650. Ridiculous. But somehow after I limp in with 44 I manage to only have to call a raise of 450 with 6 callers. The flop comes, ahem....4-6-8. Rainbow. Yahtzee! Or is it? Lets find out. First guy to act moves ALL IN for 6k! Okay, I didn't really want this to happen, because 'The Twit' was the initial raiser, and I wanted his stupid fucking ass in there...but now this guy in the BB with his 10-10 kind of fucked that plan up. I call the all-in and dickhead folds. I hold. And now have 14k. Hmmm....ya never know, MAYBE I have a prayer after all.

Sometime around the time our Steve Spurrier-looking idiot had 34k and the time he managed to donk off each and every chip, he let out with "You guys might hate how I play, but just like at my local house game, by the end of the night, I usually have all the money...just like here I will every single chip!" I literally said "Yeah? Lets see how that scenario transpires...I have a feeling you may not see the Final Table...you can only get lucky so many times with 2-8, 6-8, and A4." Again, the Monkey waxes poetic. Dude didnt even make it down to TWO tables. In fact, once he was out, I started liking my chances.

I played pretty well again tonight. When it was down to 12, 6 on each table, and the BB every 5 hands....it got a little scary. There were two guys at my table who kept limping almost EVERY HAND! I am in the BB looking at 44/33/22/A9...and when these guys are limping I am MOVING IN...and of course, after a little consternation they fold every time. I knew it was a matter of time before the old coot in the Jack Daniels hat was going to pick up a huge hand and limp in on me. I think I picked it up on my radar when he limped in and I looked down at K9..yeah yeah...my favorite, but right now I have 27K...no reason to get stupid. Plus he is moving around in his seat in a way that tells me he is just waiting to pounce. Luckily I missed on every street. He makes some stupid statement on the river....like..."Well, I don't think I have anything, but I bet if I bet out 5k I might be able to make you fold." Okay old man, you either have the nuts or a big pair. Fuck You...nice try, I am not a rookie or a retard sir.

Down to 11. I am on the button with A6. I move all in for a lot. Dave, (another guy I play with a lot, good player, SUPER TIGHT, forget his last name) Instantly calls....so I KNOW I am fucked! He has 10-10. Damn. Can I catch an ace please dealer? NOPE! Oh wow. Now I am down to ....mmmmm....ugh...not much. Looks like bubblicious time for Senor Monkey. I get KJ the next hand. Move in. Blinds were 1500/3000. Oh yeah...must have had 8500 left cuz it was 5500 for the BB to call. He shows me 39h and folds. Guess I might have wanted a call there.

Dude busts on the other table! We are now brushing at 10! Wow. And the Jack Daniels hat guy is on my right, with 5000 fewer chips than ME! Whoa...I might just pull this outa my ass after all. I do. He moves all in with 77. Gets two callers, one with AK. Ace hits. He is out. I am guaranteed my buyin back ($144). Guy in the 9 seats locks it up in a hand and is left with 2k. Thats right, TWO K! But 8th is only $180. Big deal.

I am in the BB with J7h. A guy with A5 limps for 4k. I have 11,500. I have no reason to go all in. Flop comes K-4-5. Nothing. Check. he checks. 6 on the turn...hmmm...straight draw. Move in here? I check. He checks. Hmmm....K on the river. Can I sell that? I move all in (dumbshit) and he calls....5 good. I am out. 9th place. But another Final Table, another 10 pts on the Leaderboard contest, and now...that gives me like 33 points and should put me in like 4th or 5th place. And I left...so I didn't lose any money on the cash table!

NOW...a few non-poker related items...I have a feeling this blog entry has gotten very long. SO I hope you are still reading.

NEW ORLEANS! Starting NEXT Friday. Great structures! I CANNOT wait for it to start. Does anyone over there have a house with an extra room I can stay in? I hate hotels. And oh yeah...I like money. And prefer not to give it to those assholes in those hotels! Also, I have NOT seen the SNG structures...I hope to god they are good.

PLAYBOY MODELS! Walked in tonight and there were hot blonde women with huge fake tits running around all over the Beau. WTF is going on!??? Turns out they are here for this big VIP golf tourney that the Beau runs every year. After I got knocked out I decided to go chat a couple of them up. This is what I came away with. None of them are 'Playmates', which I pretty much figured, since I have gotten every Playboy since 1988...and still have them all, and know one when I see one. They were merely 'models' hired by Playboy to do their promotional events, while secretly 'aspiring' to be in Playboy. And typically, there is very little conversation value with any of these broads. Ever talk to these girls? With their horrible over inflated breasts, their fake eyelashes, their tacky dresses with ass all hanging out...their stupid Playboy necklace? In a word...they are gross. Sorry, that might make me sound totally gay, but I will take my Sexy Squirrel over any of those girls, any day of the week.

DEALER PUSHES. Okay, so today I went as far as to ask Robin, as I have asked other floor supervisors in the past....to no avail, if it would be possible for them to tell the dealers, "Dealers...if you are about to push into a new table, and its a tourney table, check the clock, if they are inside of two minutes of a blind level increase and/or an upcoming break...wait it out and let them play till the new level or break." Robin agreed to that. Wow! I was kind of impressed, and amazed. Last week, in that situation, I asked a dealer if she could please deal the last hand before pushing, as we were at :45 seconds in the level with a break coming up. She complied. I felt happy. Last night, same exact situation...with Pat dealing, and I ask him "Hey Pat, could you please deal this last hand before the break, instead of pushing out?" How did he respond? He, uh...doesn't...well, unless you call looking at me like I am a screen door then getting up, and pushing out. Wow. And I tip these dealers great when I win tourneys WHY again? Its one thing that they already get $10 from each player at registration...but then they get toked again at the payout desk, at least they always do by me...and I tip well. Well, this pissed me OFF! So I mention it to Robin tonight, didn't mention Pat completely dismissing me last night. So what happens at Level 4? Dealer pushes out with :36 seconds left. (*!&@#*(&!@(* WHY IS THIS SUCH A HARD CONCEPT FOR THESE PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND AND COMPLY WITH?

A big shout out to my sweetie...Squirrel played in the Employees tourney for a package of prizes. On her first qualifier tourney...she won, against, I don't know, like 11 players or something. They each paid $40 to play. Then she went back at noon on Tuesday to play the Final, and against some pretty good players, including Kai. She called me on a break and was chipleader! Sweet. I asked about the prizes....first was like a weekend in Orange Beach and maybe dinner somewhere? Hmmm...Orange Beach? What else? Fifth place was dinner for two at BR Prime! Whoa! "Hey sweetie...if you don't win, try to tank it and get 5th!" She managed to get 3rd..which was good for a night at the Beau Rivage and dinner ANYWHERE in the BEAU! Nice! I like it! So a great dinner at the BRPRIME followed by a night of 'luxurious lounging' (your welcome Beau Rivage!) and Kanoodling in a marvelous Beau Rivage room! That's my Squirrel...REPRESENTIN!!!!! All while sporting her PokerStars jersey I got her with 'SQUIRREL' on the back! So that is what? 6 final tables in 10 days for our house? Sweeet!

Recieved some emails, read some blogs and checked out some other comments this week from some guys who have been living and dying with horrible swings online, and asking me how I deal with those swings. Do I go on tilt? Do I keep things in check? Do I have a system for dealing with the nightmarish shit that they go through? Gene weighed in with some of his insight. A regular reader of my blog, Tim Thompson mentioned how he doenst mind when his AA gets cracked by JJ quite as much as he does when he will raise behind another raiser with AA or KK for example...and get called by some joker with K5...who then makes trips, or a flush or something...which causes him to go nearly homicidal. When he asked me to respond to this...I sort of was in the middle of 8 games on Stars, of which probably 4 of them I would lose in just those ways.

Look, bottom line...players online are FUCKING AWFUL! When I get people online who like to look up my stats and then shoot back at me with "Yeah you have won over $100k online, Monkey...or should I say PokrDonkey (an overwhelmingly common, original Monkey Slam) and you are barely even profitable!" Yeah, thanks fuckbird for your time in researching my stats...and I won't deny it. I just about break even online. Is it because I play bad? No. Is it true that after about the 27th awful beat in one day you MIGHT start to play a bit differently than you would at a table? Um...I would have to say YES, it is entirely possible. There is nothing worse than sitting at a table of fuckbrains who will either call a raise or re-raise with COMPLETE SHIT...while you are folding AQ, 99, KJ, whatever...and usually...we will call it 87% of the time, folding the best hand...that would have won...to inevitably STOP laying those hands down, to THEN run into...you know ...AA, KK, QQ...oh how nice. So when I fold (smartly) and would have won...I am now motivated to CALL (stupidly) and find myself to be completely FUCKED. Yeah...online poker will bend you over and fuck you silly. So when one of them used the analogy of keeping your 'poker mind and poker demeanor' in a very medium emotional place, sure I agreed. So when someone who is 'emotional' gets OVERLY happy when they lose, and OVERLY FUCKING MISERABLE when they lose in dramatic fashion, sure...they might not be very well suited to this game.

And yes, it is true, that I feel a lot less of a rush when I have WON a tourney...when it is all over, you are just sitting there...victorious. No one else at the table, just you...the dealer, and the tourney director, who is trying to figure out a way to stretch out the payout process as long as humanly possible. A lot of you have never felt this feeling, so you don't maybe understand why the feeling at that moment isn't just total ELATION. Why? I am not 100% certain. I guess it's like...you know? It was a journey, you had one goal, and the goal has been realized, and now you are thinking about what you are going to play next. So many times, I have won a tourney...and walk right over and sit down and play a sit n go! I suppose if I ever win a 10k event or, God Forbid...the WSOP MAIN EVENT...there could be some other emotions taking place at the conclusion of one of THOSE!

But losing? It kills me. Most of the time. If I got lucky at a Final Table, and sucked out to still be there, then pick up a couple pay spots...only to see myself go out with say, AQ against JJ...I am okay with that. Two good hands, kind of freerolling still being there anyway. So, I lost? No biggie, shake the guys hand. Wish everyone good luck. Peace out. But playing great all day....and losing to a complete jackass....who misplays a hand HORRIBLY...then knocks you out? That stays with you, and yeah...its very hard to deal with.

As it pertains to online poker? Look, I shouldn't even PLAY online poker, nor should ANY player that THINKS he or she is worth a shit. Because it WILL fuck with your mind. As a fairly good baseball player in my younger years, I would avoid playing softball for kind of the same reasons. Different swing. Retardedly asinine idiots playing the game....putting way too much emotion into it. Kind of a correlation there. HOWEVER, when I see the value that exists there...buy in for $11 to win $6000? Buy in for $50 to win $15,000? Sunday million? $215 buy in to win $200,000? Are you kidding me? How do you NOT play that? Sure, you almost know for a FACT that you won't win. But you HAVE to take the shot, don't you? IN the last week, in tourneys that had over at least 2000 players in each of them, some as many at 7500...I have finished between 8th and 32nd 9 times. NINE. That is NINE shots at making between $1700 (the smallest 1st place) and $16,000. If you don't believe me, you can look it up on www.bluffmagazine.com/thepokerdb and enter my name ThePokrMnky and see for yourself. Do I kill myself over these close calls? Nope. Can't. Got to just keep on hoping I have my day when my hands hold up. Realistically, I could have won over $20k online this month. But in reality, I lost $200 overall. And these fuckers want to sit here and tell me how I am not profitable online. Your right jerkoff, I'm not...but ONE major score will sure shut them all the hell up won't it?

Okay, I think maybe I addressed that subject/issue. The moral of the story? I am not sure. Don't let online poker drive you to kill yourself or someone else. It isn't worth it. Just go into it 'hoping to win' and not expecting to win, and you should be okay. Meanwhile, on another related topic, I think Rooster is close to killing himself after his 'MONTH FROM HELL.' Don't do it Rooster, we will miss you, or at least your new chicken that you have been bringing to the table with you. Ever think about putting something like...mm maybe altoids or tic tacs or something inside of the chicken? That would be pretty cool. Maybe some Pez?

Okay, I think I am done. Tomorrow I go for THREE IN A ROW if I can manage to get up at 10am. These 11am start times are fucking brutal! And then try to knock out one of these Saturday and maybe SUnday tourneys. Although I am really pressing to get into Sundays WSOP $650 satellite, I really need to try and knock down that seat before I get to Vegas. Plus all the big tourneys on Sunday, yeah might just skip the Sunday tourney at the Beau.

Good night everyone...I wonder how many of you read this whole thing. I really do. I would be amazed if there were more than 10!

MONKEY