Get that weekend OUTA HERE!!!!

REMEMBER THIS PICTURE! This is a _____ in IMMEDIATE NEED OF A NICKNAME...and I just CANNOT come up with one that FITS PERFECT! You will read about this guy about 3/4 of the way down the page!!! BE READY. AND BE THINKING OF A NICKNAME!!!!!

Well, my streak of consecutive Final Tables ended at two. Somehow I pried myself out of bed Friday morning and made it to the Beau on time to play the early morning $130. It is now Tuesday. I have no idea what happened, other than I went out 26th out of a whopping 39 players...and the notes in my book say "Bad Day."

What I DO remember is that instead of going home...which I wasn't quite ready to do yet, I thought about finding a $5 single deck game and blowing off some steam playing blackjack. Well, they moved the one that used to be up front...I found it back by Coast. Along with a married couple, and a dealer who, uh...should really be working the phone for a collection agency. Wow. You talk about your HORRIBLE personalities. I can't believe this lady keeps her job. I didn't say a word to her, merely observed her for the first 15 minutes. Then after about the 6th time of watching her put out only 2 deals on a single deck table with 3 players...in which, on the average she was burning only 22-25 cards, I finallly asked why it was she wasn't giving us at LEAST three deals, and maybe even 4?

That is when her sparkling personality started to shine. Instead of being professional about it, she went PSYCHO BITCH on me. And keep in mind, I never even raised my voice. Simply asked why. "I put out as many deals as I have cards for!" "Well, actually, you haven't been, because on the last six decks the most cards you have used have been 29. There are 52 cards in the deck. The only reason most people PLAY single deck is to gain some kind of an advantage hopefully on the 2nd, 3rd or maybe even 4th deal...you know, where maybe there haven't been ANY aces put out and you MIGHT just get lucky enough to get one with a face card? They call this an 'edge' and you are summarily taking it from us every time you deal to us. Now I am very happy to tip you, which, I am quite certain is how you make a large percentage of your money...but if you are going to act defensively like this, and furthermore, argue the point that I am making, when clearly I have no reason to WANT to be RIGHT about this...merely, just want you to do whats right...I am not sure how I can feel very good about sitting here and tipping you anything."

This is where she hollered for the floor. And what's funny is how they always 're-spin' it after the floor arrives. Here I am, a CUSTOMER...at a table, in a casino that on a Friday afternoon is DEAD...in a time in our economy when the casino industry is down like 36% over last year, and this blackjack dealer is going to cast me as a villian. Hmmm...seems to me that this would NOT be the way to go about building a good customer relationship. Am I crazy? So I simply explain, in a very calm voice, the situation to the floor guy, and then add "You know if it is such an issue for the dealer to do what any player would hope she would do on this game, then it's no problem for me to simply cash out right now and go play somewhere else. You know, I didn't mean to be such an inconvenience for her."

She was off the table about three minutes later, then I see her over at another table talking with him...and like any good poker player who can read body and facial language, I can see that this bitch is completely talking shit about me. Oh well, life could be worse, I could be her. I cashed out my $115 (on $100 buy in) and called it a day.

CUE SATURDAY. $350 at the Beau, $20k guarantee. They just make the number they need to avoid the overlay. I arrive on time. Really needing a nice score. For a LOT of reasons. Start out pretty decent. Did, however get freaking seat 10 again. All week long there has been this girl causing me mental torment. Very large girl, with not so good skin. Whenever I look at her, and the words "I raise" come out of her mouth, I cringe. To make matters worse, I seemed to keep getting April as my dealer all weekend, who is famous for rapidly (using that word very conservatively) 'slapping' the flop out in a way that makes most people leap from their chair, flops that could awaken the dead...and leave me reaching for any available medication to deal with the impending anxiety attacks. She knows it makes me crazy. Has known now for two years. Sometimes she will tone it down...but inevitably, it always returns.

Well, I get moved to a new table, away from Jabba the Hutta...thankfully. And with my 4500 chips I raise with the scary QQ from UTG. I get a call from down river (sure to be the eventual winner I'm sure...freaky looking old guy who is perhaps the most erratic-playing old guy I have seen in awhile...a guy who, had I called his earlier raises could have already busted three times) and then the guy in the BB...who has been sitting out the first 4 levels while winning (for $600) some charity tourney for $60 or something that started in the morning (while I was still dreaming of stuff like WSOP bracelets and what not) instantly moves all in for all but 400 of my chips. Wonderful. Well, I am not laying down Queens, and I have mentally convinced myself that this guy is trying to play catch up from missing out on 4 levels. I move all in. The old guy folds (says he had an Ace, sure he probably did)...and the first guy produces JJ. Oh God no! Not again. Not the Jacks! Flop..A-K-3. Okay......turn? just a 10. Oh no....don't put a Q out there please! Nope. Brick. I double up. Sweet.

I tread water for the longest time. Folding when I could have whacked people. You all know how irritating that is. Then I raise with 99 and the old man goes all in. For about 20% of my chips. Whatever, I passed on FOUR chances to whack this guy. I call. He has AJ. Somehow (maybe because we aren't on Pokerstars!) he misses and I take him out. Nice. Now I am up to about 14k and starting to think, hey! You know what? I might have a chance here today!

We combine at three tables. I have good players at my table, and incidently, the eventual Final Table would end up featuring almost ALL good players. Oh wait, never mind...that was Sunday's Final Table. So here we go...me and John Riola again. From UTG I raise with AJh. Always a scary place to raise, especially with that hand. But I have a good table image, the blinds are now 300/600 and I make it 1950. Well the guy right behind me calls (uh oh...be very prepared to fold this junk!) and then John calls in the BB. Now the thing with John...often times, when its heads up there, he will fold a lot of pretty decent hands. But with another caller...he will often times call there with a lot of 'iffy' hands. Kind of strange..but he adheres to that 'priced in' thing mightily. So three of us go to the flop.

....which, before it comes out...John checks in the dark. God I hate it when they do that. And he does that a lot, too. Flop is 8-Q-8, rainbow. He has already checked. I am not c-betting that flop. No way. I am pretty much ready to be done with this hand, convinced the guy behind me has me killed. But then he checks. Hmmmm. Interesting. The turn is a freaking JACK! With roughly 6000 in the pot John bets out 4500. Here we go. Now, if you will recall about two entries ago...I did a little op/ed about John...about how a LOT of times he will take stabs at pots with total air, or maybe even some goofy draw...and succeed 'quite often' with them. That I think about 93% of the time I could go over the top all in and he would fold. But that I choose to usually play it safe and not gamble that I am running into one of those 7% moments.

Cue the 7% moment. I rolled it around in my head, and the best I could come up with was that John had one of his 'priced in' moments and possibly, quite possibly had something like K10. Ugh..the 'ol K10. Or maybe KJ. No way he has A8...I wouldn't think. And there is no way I am going to smooth call 4500, leaving myself with 9k. I have enough there to shove and make him fold if he IS just taking a stab. Do I fold? And stay around 13k? DO I make a move and make him fold, and take down an 11k pot and instantly become a huge factor in this tourney? Tough decision. I move all in! John says "Well, Monkey...I just can't see myself laying this hand down" (oh shit...not what I wanted to hear...have heard it before from him...and it always means he is calling) and he calls, and turns over AQ. Ohhhhh helllllll! I am about as dead as dead can be. Hey dealer! Got another Jack in there for me? NO? Okay...'Nice hand John...good luck sir." I go to valet. I go home.

I get online. Big mistake. I don't know man...I really am starting to think there are just some accounts that PokerStars has decided will not ever win. I did something I thought would be fun. I started charting hands. My hand vs. their hand in all in situations. Of all in hands...I charted 74 hands. In 74 situations, I had the best hand 68 times preflop. 62 times after the flop! 52 times after the turn. And 22 times after the river. Yeah! No kidding! So starting out with the best hand 74 times, I won only 22 times. Do you even REALIZE how bad that is? Need a gutshot sir? There ya go? Calling me down with bottom pair? No big deal, there is your trips on the river. Oh we both have AK suited? No problem, you will hit a flush....but make sure you go runner runner to do it. I've got aces? You got AK? Not a problem, flop your K....there's another one on the river. You win. I went 3 for 32 in SNG's and MTT's on Saturday. An astoundingly great percentage, wouldn't you say? Finally I just said screw it, logged off, and started reading my book, CUBA...which I just finished. IN fact this morning I got on Amazon books.com and ordered every single Stephen Coonts paperback that I haven't read, only about 7 of them.

Sunday, I was going to skip the tourney at the Beau...and play a little online early, then join Squirrel and everyone at the beach at Claw's house for a bonfire that I was invited to a few weeks ago. But alas, we are fighting about something that all the guys would say is 'no big deal, give me a break man' and which all the girls would say 'are you serious, he did that? What an idiot' so we are on like Day 5 of this stupid fight. She can't see my perspective, and thats all that really matters. So until she decides to 'let it go' I will continue living like a stranger in my house. Thank God I leave for New Orleans in a few days, followed by (I hope) 6 weeks in Vegas. Who knows, maybe she will replace me while I am gone.

Added to the frustration of all this is the fact that now that Squirrel has discovered Facebook, she is now a slave to it, has ALL her friends and family on there and of course, now they have to all monitor ME. So when I put updates on there such as "I wonder if this old nasty bitch posed for the avatar on Full Tilt" I am now enjoying the sensor who sits at home and orders me to 'clean up my Facebook' because 'all my friends and family can see what you are writing on there.' And she likes to throw around that line about how the "whole entire WORLD WIDE WEB can see what you are writing" as if to suggest that some little guy who holds the key to my future sitting in his leather recliner chair in Nice, France is reading my Facebook updates. Ugh.

So I decide to go ahead and go play at the Beau. The Sunday field was pretty small, like 42 players. Which was good news for all of us. OVERLAY! And the hopes that we could make it to the Final Table and have a decent structure to play without having it turn into a damn shove fest. Well, I got there on time again, and got a great seat draw, Seat 6. Good table too with good players. Okay, okay. Good start. Well, okay there were 5 good players, and the rest would come to be known as, ahem....(*!@#*(&!@(*.

Hand #4. UTG+1...Monkey looks down at AA. Two black aces. Oh no! Not THIS early!!! NOOOOO!!! Lets not get too cute here. I raise to 150. Call. Call. Call. Call. I lose! Right? Have to. No way we win playing these four handed. Flop comes Js-10s-4s. Hmmm..interesting. Lets play this very carefully. I bet out 450. One guy calls. Fold, Fold. Okay, heads up is good. a 4 of hearts hits the turn. Two pair. Nut flush draw. Okay. I bet 750. He calls, again. WTF? Please give me a spade on the river dealer! 7 of spades. Thanks Darlene (I think). I bet 750. He raises it to 3000! WHAT???? Oh God, what NOW? I am thinking the whole time he has like QJ or KJ with a spade. Seemed to make sense, and now he thinks his flush is good. I don't go all in, I just call. Leave 600 behind. He has....FUH-REAKING SEVENS. Called me all the way down with TWO RED SEVENS! John Riola, who is sitting next to me, just looks at me, rolls his eyes...then rubs my neck, in a comforting fashion. I look at Darlene and she has this look on her face that....well, I am guessing means something like "I am so glad Monkey isn't holding onto a gun right now."

So, here we are on this day filled with so much promise...holding onto 600 chips. Awesome! Well, a few minutes later, the SB limps in on my BB with me holding Q5. Check! Flop comes 8-8-Q. Hmmm...okay. SB bets 100. I raise to 200. He just calls. Okay. Q on the turn. Nuts! Well, close enough for this Short Stack Ninja. He bets 300. I say "Might as well just get it all in here....." and he says "yeah, okay I call." He has the 8. Wow, I figured chop chop but no...I will gladly take the double up. So now I have 1300. I keep limping into pots...as I do when I am shortstack, and either hit them and bet and win, or miss them and bet with position and win...and before too long I am up to 4900 chips again. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...and NO! It is NOT a train this time! Or is it?

Lets introduce...well, I do not really have a nickname for this BOZO yet...maybe some of you can help me out with this one.....(I just inserted his picture...at least I thought I did...but I don't see it...maybe after it publishes we will see it. Photo credits go to Rooster Rudloff, since my camera phone isnt working for some damn reason! I have to get that damn thing working before I go to New Orleans. The Barn Animals from Tunica are getting lonely!)

Yeah, okay so the picture shows up on TOP, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to move it down. So screw it...it is where it is!!!

First let me just say...NICE HAT! Nice polo shirt tucked into your jeans with your white tennis shoes, with your cell phone clipped (people still use cell phone clips?) to your side. The only thing missing was a fanny pack. This guy doesn't talk. Ever. To anyone. Guessing maybe the reason for that is he went all through life not having friends, so hence, no people skills. But if he is card dead for any standard amount of time, he will start grumbling, making strange sounds, even throwing his cards face up (a very classy move, brought to my attention by John Riola after I was looking away when he had done it for the second time) with several people still left to act in the hand. Well, this guy is a jackass. And a moron. He is that guy who gets off by showing the bluff. He also likes to overbet. He also likes to call every raise when he is in the BB. Especially when its ME raising. I raised him with hands like AK, AQ, JJ, and 1010. Real shit hands, I know. So I clearly deserved to get looked up. On one hand, the board was something like A-Q-3....someone bet, he moved all in. Then shows a 3. And you can see him smirking under the ridiculous hat.

That would go down as "I want to punch this guy in the face #1" moment. Then he raises John's BB (my SB) and John calls...and by now John and I both want this guy to get caught out on a battlefield in some crossfire. John flops middle pair and bets. The 'douche' re-raises him. John folds. The guy shows 10-6 (total air) and slaps his hands together and shouts "Ha!" And we go on break. John is about as cool a customer as they come. But even he was ready to kill this guy. We will call that "I want to punch this guy in the face #2" moment.

We come back from break. I have picked up 10-10 UTG with his stupid ass in the BB again. I raise. Well, this time, the kid in the SB...who I played with all day the day before, and who is actually a real nice kid...moves all in! Well, he had just done that not too long ago, and showed KK...so I am thinking there is a good chance that I am screwed. So I fold face up. He shows KK. Again. Wow. Okay, good fold. I blind down to about 4500 again on what was becoming a total grind. The blinds are 150/300. At some point I tell John, "This asshole is going to raise pretty soon and its just a matter of time before I look down at AA/KK/QQ and hopefully the jerk doubles me up!" Well, the moment arrives. He raises to 900. I look down at QQ. And I say to John..."well, hopefully that moment just arrived." But I don't go all in. I want the rest of the table to realize how strong I am. Don't want it coming off as a spiteful shove. I raise it to THREE THOUSAND! Yeah, I leave 1100 behind. And I am NOT folding to this clown.

What does he do? Does he fold? Nope. Does he put me all in? Nope. Ha! Not this wizard of the felt. No, no...he CALLS. Flop comes K high...He goes to grab chips and I just put my stack in there. He has...and this hurts because it IS my favorite hand...KING NINE! Yeah. And it holds. And he again stands up, claps his hands and shouts out "Yeah!!!!" We shall call that "I want to punch you in the face" moment #3.

Well I still have 10% of Rooster and 10% of Kevin Powell, so I decide to do something out of character. I decide to play 4/8 limit. And I will tell you...it was actually kind of fun. Stress free, semi-entertaining. Something about those bad beats you take over and over and over that don't seem to hurt as much when they are for like $20, $30 or $40 compared to $200, $300 or $400!!!! I bought in for $260. I played for 10 hours! Rooster and Kevin would both go out when they got to two tables. Sucked. And yet, I stayed there...playing...while Squirrel was off enjoying her little bonfire party. My stack would go from $240 to $180...then up to $475 as I hit everything...then down to freaking $75 when I either missed everything or got sucked out on every hand. No big deal. Then, with what would become the biggest pot of the entire night...with really the WHOLE table in on a capped pot preflop and me holding Q9...I catch a flop of 8-7-10. Yeah, I have a gutshot. And by the time the betting was done...there was no way I could fold. I ask Stacey the dealer for ONE MIRACLE card and BOOM...she puts a J on the turn!!!! HELL YEAH! With two hearts out there...and surely someone holding a set or at least two pair...I ask her to put the 2 of spades or diamonds on the river....RIVER....TWO OF DIAMONDS!!!!! And both players call the river bet, one with two pair the other with A10. NICE. About a $350 pot!!!!!!!

That manages to get whittled down to about $280 through standard attrition...then our table breaks. Kristen (don't know her last name, friends with Omar) talks me into coming to play on her 1/2 table. I look at the table. Scary. Mutants and freaks. People I have never seen. Could be good, could be very bad. Okay, I will play. Put my $280 on the table.

In the first 20 minutes I don't do much. Win a couple small pots. Then I see this hand. A younger kid raises to $12. There are two black guys at the table. One who looks like that dude from the Humpty Dance, and another who looks like Sug Knight...tall, very loud and boisterous. Kristen says he likes to throw his money around. He is sitting there with like 3k behind. Yeah, in a 1/2 game. Hmmm. Okay. He decides to re-raise...to $225! No shit. The guy behind him goes all in for $153. Everyone else folds, including the $12 kid with 77. Sug Knight turns over AA...hmmm..nice bet there preflop champ. The other guy has KK. A king hits the river. Sug goes nuts. Fights with the dealer over the pot...thinking he has somehow gotten screwed. Nope, pot is correct.

Then the shit hits the fan. I have 78 off. In the BB. It gets riased to $7. Everyone calls, so of course I do as well. A drink arrives. I am in the middle of tipping her and getting a cup holder when I look up to see the dealer putting out the turn card. WHOA! Then I see the flop...6-9-10. OMG! Do I not get a chance to bet here? She says "well, I thought you checked." I didn't check, I tell her, I was getting my drink situated and tipping the waitress. So instead of getting the floor we just let it go. The turn brought a J. Hmm...well, I hope to God I'm still good here. I bet out $25. Folds to this young kid in the 10 seat.

A little about this guy. He has been at this table ALL DAY, like...even when I was in the tourney. Thats not the good part. The good part is his green shirt wearing girlfriend (sister? hooker?) who has been sitting there behind him....ALL DAY as well! What? Wow. At one point, just being friendly (I thought) I made mention of it, and asked her if she might not be bored. She just sat there, with this dumb smile on her face, almost like she wasn't permitted to respond. Okay......whatever.

He bets $50! What? Oh no. I look at the board. This little bastard has KQ...he has to, and that card just gutted him up. SHIT! Again...same old Beau Rivage cash game shit! I think about just calling...but you know, in that situation..its like, there is still a river card coming...I can't improve, I have to either move in on him...or just cut it loose. I decide to just cut it loose and tell him I guess he has KQ. So what does he do? Oh....he decides to show me his bluff...AQ. Open ended, so yeah maybe I STILL get sucked out on...but whatever. Then he decides to leave...so as he is marching up to the front desk to get a chip rack, I say to him...."Not sure why you felt the need to show me that dude, that wasn't very cool."

He didn't hear me. But his little shadow did...and now, for the first time...she decides to speak. In a very hick-like, redneck inspired way she says "Yeah what was that? What was that your saying about him!???" To which I reply..."ah sweetie, taking up for your boy are you? Fighting his battles? After sitting there all quiet all night? Ahh...thats nice. But totally unnecessary, as I was talking TO HIM...and merely told him that showing me the bluff there wasn't too cool, and not real necessary...so you can just go back to minding your own business, okay? Thanks." He returns to scoop her up...she mumbles something to him....and on his way out he say "How does it feel to get outplayed dude?" I said "Well, its a better feeling than waking up every day and having to stare in the mirror at a douche bag!" Have a nice day.

So...you think that was the good part? Nope. Its still coming. Not maybe four hands later...I have 87 (again, starting to hate this hand BTW). Un-raised pot. But before we can even play the hand...I have said something about the hand where I didn't get a chance to bet...to Shannon Hancock, who has just shown up to work as a floor guy for graveyard. In talking to Shannon, Shug over there decides to interrupt our conversation, starts calling me a crybaby...saying I was too SCARED to bet the flop...that I KNEW it was my turn! I was scared to bet the nuts! Yeah, that makes sense. I tell him "Dude, you realize right that I am not talking to or about you? I am talking to Shannon, and this has nothing to do with you! You weren't even in the hand!" But then he goes NUTS! I mean...NUTS! And Shannon turns to me and says "Monkey, do me a favor and just stop talking....please" which I do. But not this guy. He goes ballistic, and when Shannon threatens to make him leave if he doenst calm down...he gets even more crazy. That is when he comes out with the quote of the night...."Oh I see how it is man....what is this Mississippi in 1950!???" Oh yeah, he went Mississippi burning on us. Pulled the 'ol race card. What in the hell?????

Now I can see from Shannons face that he is feeling totally overwhelmed and awkward. I mean...anytime someone starts calling you a racist, you get a little bit freaked out. Well, finally Shannon tells him he has to leave. Now keep in mind, I haven't said ONE WORD since Shannon asked me to be quiet, but this asshole is insisting that I have to leave too. And honestly, if Shannon had ASKED me to leave, I would have, no questions asked. But he told him..."Sir I told you BOTH to be quiet, that another word out of you and you were getting thrown out..and he obeyed, hasn't said anything but you are going crazy still...so I have no choice but to toss you." That went over well. So he goes up to the counter and Shannon walks over there, I am guessing to try to smooth things over with guy...you know...a little chat away from the table. But the guy refuses to calm down...and we all see and hear him continue to yell. Wow....I felt bad for Shannon. Welcome to work Shannon, and of course, I look like the trouble maker again. He Facebook'ed me last night...telling me I am a trouble magnet...hey, I am not sure exactly HOW I was supposed to handle that other than HOW I did handle it.

So he leaves. Back to this 87 hand. The flop comes K-7-7. Wow. And its me and the Humpty Dance. And about this time he starts telling me I was wrong to call that kid names. Huh? Yeah...now HE is piling on. I wasn't even going there. I just told him...oh yeah...after he tells me "you have no idea who I AM...you should be careful what you say TO ME!!" "Buddy, I could care less who you are...I know just about everyone on this coast and I have never even seen your face! Am I supposed to fear you because why? Your buddy over there got asked to leave and now you are threatening me? My advice to you would be to just let it go!" Such drama...in a $1/$2 game!!!!

So I check that great flop, and Humpty bets out $10. I raise it to $25. He calls. I turn an 8! Sweet. I bet again...this time $35. And now...Humpty raises it....to $90. You kidding me? I'm looking at the board trying to figure out how the hell I am going to lose this hand. I just don't see him having KK. No way. No preflop raise. I go all in...what the hell. For $270. He calls....a KING hits the river....he has KING FIVE! KINGS FULL OF 7's. You have GOT to be kidding me! I just shake my head...and get up and go home. Squirrel isnt home at 3am. Nice. I fall asleep...and the rest you will catch later. This might be the longest blog entry of all time.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR NEW ORLEANS TO START!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE POKER GODS LET ME RUN GOOD FOR ONE WEEK! I BEG YOU!

MONKEY