Ready to Hit the Road....

You know it's official when the yard work is done and all the laundry is finished. Also, when you have grinded for 6 days on Stars and been forced to the verge of insanity, falling short of your goal to lock up a Main Event seat when KK loses to A4, AJ, A10, AQ and A3.....thats right, KK FIVE times in Step 4, the one you need to finish in the top 3 to win a seat into the $650 satellite that awards a seat to 1 out of every 18 players. Over 650 played yesterday. I am just now convinced that Pokerstars hates me. I must have taken over 50 bad beats (certifiable bad beats) online the last four days...the kind that leave you just wanting to rip your whole body in half.

Squirrel looks over at me at 5 a.m. on Friday night, err, Saturday morning, and with a look of disgust, says "Don't you EVER get sick of playing poker!??" To which I reply..."Yes sweetie, I do, but I have made it a goal to try like hell to win this freaking M.E. seat before I leave for Vegas, and I HAVE to get a win in this Step 4...that was after busting with KK vs. A3....then rallying from Step 1 win at 11pm, Step 2 win at 1:08am, Step 3 third place finish on a bad beat (at 3:14am) to get a 'do over' which resulted in a Step 3 win at 4:45am....all while I was making it down to 10 in the $33 Deepstacks MTT...only to call a min raise heads up in the blinds with 67d...flop comes J-6-7. Guy bets, I raise. He calls. Turn is a 7! He bets again. I smooth call. River is a 2. He bets. I raise. He moves in, I call of course...he flips over JJ. Unfucking real. Out 10th. TENTH! This occurred at 6:47am. At 6:53 am, and with 8 remaining...I raise with KK in the Step 4. Fuckbird smooth calls me with A4. The flop comes 9-7-4. Rainbow. Jackass bets out. I move all in. HE CALLS! River is an A. I cry myself to sleep.

I am just about ready to NEVER EVER play online poker again. I swear to God...if I have the good fortune to win, say....over 200k (thats AFTER my backers' share) I will most likely NEVER step foot online again. And mark my words...should I make it deep in a Rio event this year...and the online poker fucker-reps start swirling over me like a bunch of buzzards over a carcass...I swear on my life, I will pull out a Tazer and start zapping them, starting with the PokerStars rep.

Its Monday. Memorial Day. Watching this race on NASCAR that got rained out yesterday. First, the Indy 500 yesterday was great. It was nice to see Helio pull himself off the scrap heap made possible by the nice folks at the IRS (more to come on taxes, just read Gene's blog) and win that bitch yesterday. His joy was genuine, and refreshing. FUCK YOU IRS! On lap 165 today, at 3pm, as advocated by the President, all cars came to a halt and they took a moment of silence to honor all of your fallen heroes in uniform. Very classy. Another nice move by our new Prez, who I think is doing an OUTSTANDING job. He has me feeling proud again to say I am American. The economy appears to be on the way back...lets hope it continues. Anyway, on this Memorial Day, I would like to salute those who have served our country, thank them for the sacrafices they have made so knuckelheads like me can do what we do in relative freeedom and safety. To those of you who have lost loved ones, my heart and prayers go out to you.

Dan Walsh. That little fuckstick. I say little, ha! He's actually a pretty big boy. As you all know, he was responsible for FUCKING me out of the Main Event in April at the Beau Rivage. As a friend of mine for around 3 years I pretty much put him in the cold storage. Wouldn't talk to him. Wouldn't look at him. The little bastard is like my black lab though. After Jasper does something wrong, and I yell at him...he just sits there, looking at me with that sad face. I can't stand it. Dan is the same way. Fucker. Just too nice. I know he felt bad for how he played his JJ in that tourney. Kept badgering me on Facebook. Finally I caved in and started talking to him. Then in that early event in New Orleans, him, me, Tim Thompson and Jacob "Nocko" all traded a 15% pool share...me getting bad beat for 16th, Dan finishing the highest at 8th (or was it 6th?) and giving me another $350 to my winnings.

Then the Main Event rolls around. Kai and I went over early trying to find someone to buy their 5k chip on the cheap. Dan is over there, milling about, looking to sell his chip..for FULL PRICE. I laughed at him. Time kept winding down...getting closer and closer to 'go time.' Shit. No One. Dan was sitting with me, discussing the virtues of not playing vs. playing. That if he DIDNT play he would go home up for the trip still, after a brutal week following his final table finish. He walked with me over to the registration desk...still pondering...when I said "Dan, this structure is TOO good to NOT play this event. There won't be more than 200 players, so the Final Table will definitely NOT be a shove fest. We know almost ALL of these players. And you know as well as I do that we are better than at least 75% of the field. I think there is just TOO much value in this event not to play. But you can go ahead and scram if you want. Personally, I think it would be a bad move." So...for all these guys trying to take credit for 'talking Dan into playing' I will let Dan tell you himself who 'talked him into' playing. One move I forgot to do was a 10% save with Dan. Nice going Monkey.

So yeah...I was getting text messages from out west. Fish managed, somehow to make the Final Table in LA. (just kidding there DF). He went out 8th. Not sure how much money that was good for...but I'm sure it was decent. Nicely done, D.

On a quick side note. Did I see correctly, that some dude won...WON...three freaking online tourneys in the span of like a day or two? For like 140k total? Okay...NO FUCKING WAY. No one is that GOOD. This is what I am talking about when it comes to online poker being corrupt. There is no freaking way one player wins three big MTTS. Its impossible. I don't know this dude, I don't think. But I would love to have been sitting in the same room with him watching this 'amazing feat.' I would also like to play him LIVE, heads up...best of three. When people start realizing that 15% of the players out there have software that allows them to see other peoples' cards, and/or software that breaks the RNG code to allow them to predict the flops...then maybe the other 85% will finally say FUCK OFF to online poker. If I have to listen to one more online prick tell me "I looked at your stats dude, and you arent shit! You barely break even man! My stats crush you! I will play you heads up for any amount bro!" I think I will go on a killing spree! Yeah you're right you little asshole (probably not even old enough to ENTER a casino) all of my live tourney cashes are clearly a fluke. And when I get down to the last 10% of the field and consistently get my AA/KK/QQ (vs inferior hands) shoved up my ass...I must be doing something VERY wrong huh? FUCK OFF INTERNET POKER FUCKERS!

Wonder how TK's mission is coming on the 40k WSOP deal. Thats a lot of money to poney up for ANYone to play a poker tourney. I kind of tried to put his name out there with a few guys I knew had the money...but the timing was just kind of bad, being in the Main Event and all. But I hope it all works out for him...he's a good player and it would be fun to see how he fared against that field.

Regarding the GCP hats. Yeah, I got mine. See, I am weird about my hats. Hats have to have a certain look to them, they have to sit just right on your head. They can't look brand new. The logo on the hat is sweet. But the hat is a little too stiff, sits a little too high on the head, in a very Elmer Fudd-like way. So, its not that I don't like the hat...my reason for not sporting it after immediately getting it from Bill...and I told him this. Told him I would wear it a couple times while doing yardwork, sweat in it, maybe put it through the wash....rough it up, give it some character. I did the yard work yesterday in it. Sweated like a whore in church...got it dirty. Maybe even got some gasoline on it. Now its in the washing machine...about to get thrashed around in there. Maybe soften it up. Who knows...it could be ready for action by the time I get to Vegas.

Was just about to make this post when I noticed I had 18 messages that NEEDED TO BE MODERATED. Not sure how that works, I guess when someone posts a message it doensn't automatically post. I have to approve it first. I had no idea all of these messages were on there. Until just now. To those of you giving me your support...THANKS A LOT. For those asking questions about certain things...do me a favor, I am really good about answering emails. Any time you want to ask me something, or just shoot the shit...feel free to email me at ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com.

Just read Kai's latest blog entry...about whipped cream. The dude is a fucking riot. Spent half an hour talking to him on my cell phone at Sonic last night....after I had drove to KFC craving some damn chicken...only to find out they had closed 12 minutes ago. So I sat there talking to Kai, watching 16 year olds roller skate by my car...love that at Sonic you can wait as long as you want before ordering! I always freak out when you pull up to that speaker at McD's, Burger King, Taco Hell...where ever...and BOOM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER PLEASE!!!!??? !(*@#&(@!)(@#_ No, dammit, I am not ready, I just got here. And they immediately catch an attitude, because you aren't ready to fire off your order yet and keep their little factory wheels spinning.

By the way...Kai's blog is now on top of me. I see I have managed to, again, slide down the page. I hate that. Guess I have my motivation to get out to Vegas and start winning! My goal is to leave here tomorrow morning, Tuesday, before 10am. I have recieved travel advisories from several dealers who made the drive already...huge traffic delays along I-40...the usual route, due to lots of road construction...so I am entertaining the idea of taking I-10 the whole way, through Houston and Phoenix. Never went that way before. But I am not into highway stalls. NO way. I plan to arrive in Vegas Thursday...in time to play one of the 3 $225 Megas that Venetian is running to kick off their big tourney...to win over $2k in tourney buy in chips. It would be a good way to start the trip. I believe I am staying at the Rio with Keith Oreskevich (last name correct?) who won the Omaha tourney the day I final tabled the 1k (and took a cooler beat to finish 6th-dammit) and who I stayed with at Harrah's for 5 days in New Orleans. Guess right now he is just waiting to hear from his host to see if we are 'big pimpin' or 'little pimpin' on the room. I am rooting for BIG PIMPIN, of course!

Squirrel is coming out the 2nd week of June with a gaggle of her girlfriends. There is a rumor that we may be going to get married that week. We went so far as to start looking at wedding bands on the Zales site this week (great, and I just PAID them off for the engagement ring and birthday earrings last year!) and found a couple we might like. If it goes down I hope that (a) it happens after I have already made a big cash and (b) its a fun wedding with about 20 of my 'people', 10 of her 'people' and a night of club hopping and later some strip clubs. Might even be needing some 'happy pills' to assure her that I am indeed HAPPY to be married. In those moments she gets very weird, not BELIEVING me when I say I am truly happy.

Speaking of pills. This is freakishly strange. While in New Orleans...and running out of the very short supply of Aderol I had...my buddy (who will remain nameless) shows up from Indiana and has a fresh supply of 10 for me. His kids' prescription...so not very potent. But hey, I will take what I can get. Then in a conversation with another player...who I have known and played with for about 5 years now (great guy, good tourney player, from Mobile) he gives me a new one to try. And it was wonderful too. Man...Aderol is definitely something that was created for The Monkey. I will love to have this for the drive to Vegas. Well....check this out. I was in possession of my 'man bag' at all times. Somehow, between a 3 hour period of time...a bottle, with the label torn off...shows up in my bag. Inside are TEN pills, with 'Aderol XR' (the good kind!) written on the capsules. WTF? Where did these come from? Brainstorming produces no results! Someone trying to hook the Monkey up anonymously? Someone trying to KILL THE MONKEY anonymously. I have Kenneth Terrell on my left (in a Mega) when I make the discovery. I let him in on the mystery. He suggests using caution. Yeah! No kidding! I am scared shitless to even try one. Then, along comes the blonde haired Rounder chick...who has been pestering me for an Aderol all day. I keep saying NO...because I like to conserve that which is difficult to obtain. Well, here is an opportunity! A lab rat! I explain the mystery to her. She offers to be my guinea pig! Wow. Cool. I think about getting her to sign some kind of an affidavit where if she dies I am not on the hook for it. So she takes it. ONE. One to guarantee the other NINE is not a bad deal. Kenneth asks me "If that girl doesn't die, can you spare me one tomorrow for the Main Event, Monkey?" Hey man, you bet! She didn't die, and Monkey followed through with 'Dramallama' on my promise.

So...whoever put those in my bag, without me noticing....wow, thanks! Kind of spooky weird, but thanks anyway. And uh...if you have more...bring em on! Its going to be a very long summer!!!!

TAXES, and the IRS...then I have to wrap this up...as Squirrel is standing here demanding that I let her cut my hair..which she says "looks worse than at any time I have known you in 8 years!" Wow, really? Wouldnt she WANT me going to Vegas looking this bad???

The IRS is always on the hunt to FUCK us. I know this. Most of you watch me write my results in a black ledger book. I do this for online play, live play, both tourney and cash game. When I did my taxes this year, last year and the year before, I filed as a professional poker player...since, well, this IS all I do. SOME casinos will send you that tax slip you need. SOME WONT. But the IRS will always be following your results by looking on Cardplayer.com and/or PokerPages.com. So they KNOW what you have won. Sure, you can slip some by them...with small in-house tourneys like the ones at the Beau Rivage during the week. Unfortunately though, I write those in my book as well. So really, I am hiding NOTHING. But...when you go to do your taxes, you BETTER include EVERY cash that you made on those sites that report them, whether you got taxed or not when you won. It WILL catch up with you. And make damn sure you save EVERY tourney buy in reciept. When/if you play at the Rio, they even have those for all the Sit N Go's you play...so you should be able to generate a LOT of buy in reciepts. And of course you can off-set your winnings with expenses on travel and hotel and food. The only time you should ever really WORRY about paying a lot of taxes on poker winnings is if you happen to win over 250k and can't show buyins over 100k. Yeah...then...you are gonna get smacked down! But be very careful...these assholes are always looking to get you. I am extremely careful. I have no desire to go to jail, I love my freedom too much.

Thats it for now gang. I may blog from the road if something funny or interesting happens. But if not, I will catch you next from Vegas!

MONKEY