Vegas Monkey

It is Saturday. 9am. Cool thing about being in Vegas is you get to wake up...not always in the best physical and mental condition...and watch college football. Not for very long mind you, because...for the first time in your life you have lost your Blackberry Curve, along with every phone number of every person you know locked inside of it.

Although you don't really think you lost it. What you think is that after you finished your meal at Grand Lux the other night...it was laying on the table and the busboy snagged it when he bussed your table. Nevertheless, you have NO PHONE...and have to get off Allie's very comfortable leather couch and drive to the nearest T-Mobile store to spend another $300 on a freaking phone.

Then slowly reassemble my very large phone book. Its almost like I got smashed up in a car accident, was in a coma for 6 months...just woke up from it, and now have to relearn everything like a freaking 2 year old.

Well, who wants to hear about poker? Before I tell you about poker....lets talk about Molly. Who is Molly? No, its not the girl I am cheating on Cheryl with out here. That girl doesn't exist anymore.

Cuz I killed her. If I was ever stupid enough to cheat on Cheryl...I would HAVE TO kill the girl to hide the evidence! There ya go! Time for you haters out there to cut/paste this now to the cops...cuz chances are, I have committed murder out here!

No, Molly is our new dog. After losing my phone...I come home, very inebriated...and get into an online chat with Squirrel (Cheryl) and she informs me that Molly, whom she HEARD chewing on something and assumed it was a cap from bottled water...was instead eating the entire bottom baseboard and leg of my very expensive bed at home.

And prior to that...she destroyed the backyard. Before getting on the plane to fly to Vegas, I very obediently (per Squirrel's request) went to Home Depot Monday and purchased $300 worth of paver stones and sand...and for 5 hours made a patio out back. Molly has been digging holes under and around the patio. I am about ready to climb on a plane..fly home...and kill this dog. I told Squirrel to drive a stake in the middle of the yard...and attach a 20ft chain to it...and then Molly.

She wont do it. Thinks its cruel. Yeah, and watching me dump $300 and 5 hours of my life to fix the backyard only to have that little shit tear it up isn't cruel? It took me $300 worth of massage to get my back and neck right after that and the cramped flight out here!

Poker. I got in on Monday night and after renting my car came to the Venetian to meet all my boys. Charlie "Smoke" Oliver, James "JD" Dunning, And Tim "Guy who gets to Hit Hundred Pounds of Fury" Hebert....at Palazzo. We have a drink and decide its time to play a SNG. Rooster shows up later. So in this SNG we have ME, SMOKE, JD, ROOSTER and TIM.

First hand I call this clowns 250 raise (25/50) with 78c...predicting he is on AK/AQ like most of the bad players out here. James calls with 66. The flop comes down 5c6cQh. JD checks. I move all in. The first guy, the raiser...folds. JD calls with his set. I call for the 2 of clubs from the dealer...and the river? 2 of clubs! JD storms off.

Next victim is Rooster. UTG raised 200 (Tim) Rooster calls...and I pick up JJ. I decide to just flat it. Flop comes all rags. Tim checks ...okay, AK AQ probably. Rooster bets out 600. Hmmm. I really don't know WHAT to put him on...and its only a $80 sng so we are mostly just having fun. I ship it. Rooster hesitatingly calls. He turns over QQ. Oh...shit. Oops. Never mind. JACK on the river...and now I have a huge chiplead on the table.

Rooster storms off...mumbling under his breath. Rooster...he's hilarious when he loses! Well, I lose half my stack to this other guy. Thought I outplayed him and instead found out I was wrong. Chips....THAT WAY! We get down to four. ME, TIM, SMOKE and this other guy.

Tim wants me to let you all know how bad he outplayed me on this hand. He min raises me in the SB at 200/400. You all KNOW I hate the min raise. But then I am looking at A7. I call. Flop an A. We get into this whole "what to do, how much to bet" stare down. He turns over an ace. Yeah?

I got one too! I turn mine over. He makes a very large bet. I am just thinking I must have him out kicked. I call. His other card? A fucking ACE! Everyone got a nice chuckle out of that one! I went out 4th. Got some of the last longer money. Left to go check into the Hotel Prescott and get some sleep in time for the next days tourney.

Tourney 1. Got there very late. Win a couple hands. Lose a couple hands. Have a lady at the table who is a Venetian dealer, playing on her day off. She is yapping. To the point that I had to put on my iPod. She is also a calling station. My table is generally fanatical.

As most of my tables out here have been every event so far. Well, she loves face cards. I knew if I picked up AA/KK early, I could limp in and almost certainly get a late raiser. So, I get KK. I limp for 200. Two callers, and Miss "wont shut up for anything" raises it to 800. Perfect. It folds around to me.

I RE-RAISE it to THREE THOUSAND! She looks like she just stepped in dog shit. But oh...she smooth calls anyway! How nice. Flop comes Q-6-6. I move in for 5400. She insta-calls...with AQ offsuit. I fully expected to see QQ when she snap called. "Oh I didn't think you had that good of a hand, because you limped in."

Yeah lady...I also RERAISED YOU THREE THOUSAND chips! Did you think I was 'making a move' for a 3rd of my stack!??? Unreal. Well..she turned a Q and I was done. I would go on to get thrashed all day in SNG's and my first day sucked!

Tourney 2. I show up late...not as late as usual, but late. Somewhere around level 3 I raise with 99 in early position. Guy behind me...on tilt...calls. The next guy re raises it. But not enough to make me fold. Or the other guy. I have 22K at this stage of the game. The flop comes J-9-3. Two spades. I decide to check raise, almost certain that SOMEONE is going to bet it. On tilt boy....shoves it in for 4100 and starts getting very excited about his chances to win. Hmmm...must be on a draw I think. Whatever.

The next guy...CALLS....ha....well, lets play for a side pot here if it comes down to that. I move all in. The old dude CALLS. Oh crap...do NOT let this guy have JJ. He doesn't...he has QQ. The other guy has Q10. So other dude is looking to hit a one-outer. I assume I will lose to the shortstack...but don't.

I chip up to over 50k and I was on my way. Pick up a few more good pots. Get up to 60K. Then I have a chance to get to 100K. Dude #1 raises. Dude #2 goes all in for 9K. I have AK suited. I decide to jam it in. Dude #1 with 10's folds. Dude number 2 has QQ. I flop a K. Along with a 10. Glad that guy was out. Dude #2 goes runner, runner for a straight. SHIT! Back to 40K ish. Then go card dead for a long time.

We get to about 50 players and the thrill ride begins. I crack KK with 77...when I flop 4-5-6- all diamonds....holding the 7d. Sick. Move in, get the insta call...turn another 7, river a flush. Then I win an all in race with 88 vs. AK. The bubble, at 37 players...lasted AN HOUR! When it finally busted I was sitting on a meager 54K with the avereage at 135K. ON the SECOND hand after we made the money....this fun hand goes down:

UTG moves all in for 17K. Next up (holding 140K) calls. Monkey looks down at AA. For the first time all day. I literally say "Wow! You finally showed up! Awesome" as I announce all in. Small stack behind me must have had somewhere to be because he too calls. The guy who had smooth called decides he believes I have AA but he is getting too good a price to fold. So he calls. I am up against A-7, Q-10, and the guy who has me covered has 10-10. About the best thing I could have asked for.

The flop comes 10-8-7. You have GOT to be kidding me. I turn to gather my stuff...head for the door, and get called back in. I assume they are just fucking with me....but as I approach the table...I see it. The ACE OF CLUBS on the river! No way! He one-outs me, and I one-out him! INCREDIBLE! So now, I was sitting on 185K.

We get down to 15...and I have 120K...been getting blinded down. A guy goes all in for 85K and I have 10-10. I think about it and call. Im not there to finish 5-15th. Im there to win. I go over the top all in. Everyone folds. He has KJ. Flops a K. It holds. Dammit. Next hand I move in A7....BB calls with A4. I win. double back up. I then lose 88 to K10 and am shortstack again!

I pick up my second favorite hand 6-7 suited and decide to move that in. I get called by AQ. I flop an OPEN ENDED STRAIGHT FLUSH. No problem....I brick the turn AND the river and my night ends...15th place. $1060. Not very satisfying. But a good tourney, another cash. Not a final table though. So still seeking Final Table number 10. Cardplayer finally posted my results from IP. Im now #167..right behind #166...some guy named Phil Hellmuth Jr.

Tourney 3. A $340 buy in. Got there on time...I know, strange. Hung around, hung around and hung around...average for about 5 hours. Never could get a big hand. Ended up going out 125th out of 407...right before the dinner break. Did manage to win a couple SNGs that night...so it wasn't the worst day.

Tourney 4. A $550 buy in on Friday (yesterday). Second hand in I get AA....limp. Get the late raise to 300. Make it 900 and get three callers. Incredible. These people out here are HORRENDOUS! Flop Q high with two hearts. Bet out 2500. They all fold. I then lose about every hand I play for two hours. Table breaks. I have 18K somehow.

Guess it was that straight I rivered before the 2nd break to collect 4300 chips. Well at new table, I get a 2000 raise UTG with blinds 300/600. The next guy moves all in for 10,600. I look down at AA. Yahtzee! I smooth call. First raisers makes an intelligent read and equally intelligent laydown. "I think you have a monster." You thinks correctly sir. I win. Now up to 35K. We get down to 90 (started with 378) and I am starting to think maybe I will cash this damn thing.

Get moved to a new table...featuring some decent players. My buddy John Wesstra is there, nursing a shortstack that he would eventually grow to a healthy stack. I was pretty card dead. Then Anna Wroblewski shows up at our table. She starts doing a lot of raising.

Then another chick shows up and starts re-popping. Oh...this is going to end badly. I make on nice play when a guy raises my BB from the button. I look down at 22. I say, "I have a pocket pair...how should I play this?" I move all in on him. He folds AJ face up. Wow. I proceed to go card dead for an hour. I raise and someone re raises or moves all in.

It was going badly. I am sitting there with 19K and the average at 54K and dinner break coming at the conclusion of the hand. I am in the SB. Middle position limps for 1600. Huh? Well that is when crazy boy goes all in. Crazy Boy is a guy I have been playing with for three days now, and have a very good line on how he plays.

I am almost 97% certain that he has made this move as a simple attempt to take down this nice little 5K pot without seeing a flop. I have KJ and feel I have him crushed. And with a chance to go into the dinner break with close to 30K...I think its time to gamble. I call. Limper folds. Crazy boy turns over 7-8 offsuit. Correct again. Flops Q-10-7. Damn 7. But I have a lot of outs. Open ended with overs. 14 outs. Miss them all. OUT.

I'm out in time to play the 2nd chance tourney. Less than hour in I get QQ. Cutoff raises. I re-raise. He REPOPS ME. Hmmm...he has this goofy ass look on his face, and I think he is just making a move. But I decide to just call his raise. The flop is all crap rags. He CHECKS. I tell him....pretty sure you have AK sir...at best. Im all in. He snap calls. With...ugh...AK. Turn...A. OUT. Well played sir.

Go play a $130 SNG. Am dominating it. Two people win. We get down to three, we all have about the same number of chips. This girl...who I encountered the day before in the tourney...lets call her an Ugly St. Pauli Girl.

Likes to make sure everyone can see her milk jugs...as she pretty much lays them out on the table. Kind of gross actually. She looks similar to that Betty Boop cartoon chick on Adult Swim...if any of you watch that. Well, she doesn't raise. EVER. She just either Moves all in or calls. She moves all in on my BB...and I look down at KK. Gotcha BITCH! She turns over 9-2. She has me covered by 100 freaking chips. Flops a 2...rivers a 2. I throw my Monkey at the dealers face...and leave. (okay, I didn't really do that...but I wanted to).

That's all I have for you guys today. I really need to go get a new phone. This took an hour...and now its 11...leaving me only an hour to do that and get to today's $550 that I expect a lot of people to come and play. I am being nice calling them people. Lets see how I feel after today is over. :)

MONKEY