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Monday, November 15, 2010

Wow! Something to blog about!

Okay, lets start this out by saluting everyone who has joined up on my Facebook with the 'Group' I started called 'I HATE DELTA AIRLINES!'
It is really picking up steam and momentum. I hope to have run Delta into bankruptcy by sometime in the middle of 2012. And not Chapter 11 reorganization bankruptcy...but the real kind, the kind where they come and take away all your airplanes and order you to leave.

Kudos to Adam Nash and his site...You Deserve to be Punched in the Face. I spend day and night looking for new additions to it...and even emailed him THREE candidates, and now just sit back waiting for him to make them come to life. Come on Adam....DO IT!

I have purchased KINECT for XBOX360...and my life shall never be the same again. After watching Squirrel nab a nearly perfect score in her debut in DANCE CENTRAL...I was hooked. Now, the goal is to get her to do her next one topless. Last night we did 1 on 1 sports challenges together. Never thought a video game could help keep a marriage fresh and exciting? I give you.........KINECT! And oh yeah, I also bought 12 freaking games at Game Stop...thats right...GameStop. I have decided to boycott Best Buy...forever. Them and their ignoramus idiot sales people who all have the collective IQ of my fireplace mantle, and their 'sliding' interest rate that tends to sky rocket the higher your balance gets can suck my balls for all eternity. Game Stop has a neat little incentive program, one that actually pays dividends, unlike Best Buy and their stupid Rewards Zone smokescreen of a discount program.

Just being asked by that zit-faced little bitch at the register..."Are you a Rewards Zone member!???"

"Go to hell!"

"I'm sorry sir? Can I have your phone number?"

"Fuck off!"

"Maybe I can look it up by your address."

"Maybe I can pour gasoline on you and light you on fire!"

"Bag up my shit lady, and let me slide my debit card through your damn machine. NO! I don't need cash back! NO! I don't want to buy your useless warranty on that $120 piece of electronics I just bought! And if you ask me one more question I am going to pick you up and throw you at that retard at the front of the store who you pay to sit there and say 'Hi' and 'Goodbye' to me!!!"

Yeah...so uh....Delta? And Best Buy? I love you. Pffffft.

Uh....there is 5:02 left in the FIRST QUARTER and Philly is leading the Redskins 21-0. Here come all the annoying Eagle bandwagon fans out of the woodwork. I can literally hear them coming. Oh...and even better news, I will be in Atlantic City in a couple weeks...only a stone's throw from Philly. Can't wait. I hate Philly fans. Sport not relevant.

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I was tipped off by another reader of my blog tonight to a series of entries Wild Bill made regarding the attempt by Kai and your's truly to play in the Ladies Event at IP last week. The buy in was $100. But...with the fanfare it generated, you would have thought it was a $10k buy in. Bill wrote a great segment on it. He took a nice perspective from both sides of the aisle, and I have to commend him for his ability to balance both sides and give a pretty credible look at it. I really had a hard time disagreeing with anything he had to say on it. Its for sure worth checking out.

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I am being 'urged' by the nice folks at Ante Up magazine...who I probably need to post a little splash ad for on here at some point...to make the 5 hour drive up to Tunica and make an appearance in this weekend's events at the Magnolia State Poker Championship. Well...it might actually happen. Was going to shut it down for the rest of the month, and just chill out at home, play online poker, play with my dogs, and humor my wife...but since Squirrel has decided to attend her nephew's birthday party Friday and her 25 year (or maybe its 20 yr) class reunion on Saturday with about 15-20 people from her graduating class of 76...most of them bible thumpers and scrap bookers (I have been excused from attending this thrill-fest!) I may just drive her and I up to Tunica Thurday night...sleep 5 hrs, give her my keys to go to Florence, Alabama...and sit and play Friday in the $3** (whatever their juice is) the Saturday Main Event for $5** (juice on $500) and Kenny 'Bad Hat' Piels (and Mike...not to leave him out, just cant remember his last name...might be Woods) Sunday tourney that is pretty cool. They started it last year. You buy in for $300. You get 300 chips. Its cash for cash. At any point in the tourney you can take your chips and cash out. So I guess the idea is to chip up like a gangsta and bust a move! To not...would be the actions of a chump!

OH....Philly just scored again. Oh! And guess who just picked up James Harrison last week on his fantasy team!!!!??? Sweet. That was just a...what? 60-something yard TD scamper.

So this could end up being a pretty interesting weekend. Meanwhile, my buddy keeps texting me from Tulsa telling me there are more hot women there than any poker tourney he has EVER been to. Great. Well, I'm married...so I am really, really glad I'm not there! But to my buddy...happy hunting sir!!!

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Wanna hear about my exciting trip to the bank? Too bad. I'm telling you anyway. In gym shorts and t-shirt, I ask the dogs if they want to go for a ride.

"bark bark bark......barkkkkkkkkk"

Okay. We'll take that as a yes. Lets go then. Pile them into the car. Go to the bank. Make deposit. Okay...so far, so good. Next stop. Office Depot. For ink. For the printer. Can't remember what type I need. Call Squirrel's Dad at home. Slowly walk him through the process of figuring it out. Suddenly there is that goofy retard in the suspenders and weight belt....weight belt? These guys are lifting pens and paper all day and they need a weight belt? He is trying to 'assist me' in walking Sonny through the search for the right color code...and what he is accomplishing is annoying the fuck out of me.

"tell him to look for the........."

I just put my finger up in the air and gave him a:

"Sir! Please! I got this!!!"

Of course, what I REALLY wanted to say was:

"Hey! Dipshit...do me a favor...FUCK OFF!!!"

But I'm being nice to people these days. Softer, kinder, gentler Monkey. So I was as polite as I could be.

We figure it out. I work my way to the register, and then out the door. But not before saying "NO! I don't want cash back! NO, I am not a member of whatever stupid club you guys offer. NO, you cant have my email address and/or phone number!!!!" My gawd...these people never stop! Does anyone wonder why I have fallen in love with shopping online???

Next stop. The gym. No, silly...not to work out. To get my 'tan on!' That goes off without a hitch. Here is where the story gets good!

I pull out of the parking lot. Its around 6pm. Lots of traffic. Start down Popps Ferry Road. Come to a light. I'm stopped. Something on the front seat has captured my attention...and I miss the gap between me and the car in front of me growing...just then, a white car passes me on the shoulder and plants itself in front of me. And doesnt move. WTF? One of Squirrel's friend's playing a silly game with me? I move up to it...get very close...trying to look in the back window....

When out from the car springs this black lady about late 30's early 40's. Huh? And this is important for later...she doesnt get out and LOOK AT HER BACK END...no, no...she gets out and storms back to my car. And starts shouting at me.

[why this is important, class...is because if I HAD IN FACT hit her car...don't 99.9% of people who's car was hit, get out of their car...and immediately look at the part of their car that just got hit!??? yeahhhhhhh....exacccccctly!]

But instead of making something up...I won't, because I honestly don't know what she was saying...something about being 'close to her bumper.'

"Lady...you passed me on the shoulder!!! For what reason? Cuz you were in a hurry to get to the next red light? Are you insane? Go get back in your car lady and drive home and take your medicine!!!"

This is where I am pretty sure she said she was calling the police. Um...okay. I guess calling the police and asking them to come take you away to an insane asylum is probably a pretty good idea.

Light turns green. Cars move. Hers doesn't. She just sits there. Cars start honking. I back up about a foot. And go around her. As does the large truck behind me. I figure this is over. Whatever this was. Oh no...in my rearview mirror I see her pass the truck on the shoulder!!! Wow. Now I start wondering if this lady is packing a gun. I think about calling the police myself...and after 7 minutes wish like hell I had.

We get to the bridge...and now I watch in my rearview mirror as she passes a CAR ON THE BRIDGE!!! Which is a very strict no passing zone. Now I am starting to get a bit nervous. This lady is NUTS!

Oh...but hold on. It gets better.

Another car pulls in to the flow so I think I might be okay. But wait...why am I even worried? What have I done? Not a damn thing. Now I think I am just fearing for my safety. Then she almost kills someone, and/or herself. Imagine a two-lane road...then imagine the oncoming lane with a left turn lane breaking off from it. She attempts to pass another car...and there is just one problem. There is a car entering that turn lane from the other direction. And there is no room for another car...its her and the oncoming car...and she just avoids a head-on collision...pulling in front of the other car...nearly ripping their bumper off, and just missing the other car. Holy shit.

Now this is where I picked up my phone and started preparing to call 911. And as I was reaching for my phone...I see police lights. Oh...okay, well...thats good. At least I'm probably not getting shot. I have to assume they are after her, for her reckless driving skills displayed in the last 3 miles. But as I pull into my driveway...I find out otherwise.

Oh yeah. This went on for about an hour. And it wasn't just one cop. Oh no...half the Biloxi on-duty police department must have been dispatched to my house. I gave them my liscence and insurance stuff. A very gruff, tough sounding patrolman... J. Morgan, starts telling me I have been held for questioning due to an alleged 'accident' that took place. That I supposedly hit this lady's car. HUH!??? That is when I kind of went berserk. This is when he started threatening to 'take me to jail if I didn't shut my mouth.' I was literally told three different times that if I said another word I was getting arrested for 'disorderly conduct.'

Ever been in a situation where you KNOW you didn't do a fucking thing wrong...but also happen to know that you are up against a guy who has ALL the power, and is dying to use it? Kind of a shitty spot, huh? So what did I do? Just sat there. Fuming. But then I did another thing. I went to look at this lady's car..after they told me they found two 'scratches' on her bumper.

Yeah, I had to see this! So when I go and look at her bumper...that is when I about lost it! Two scrapes. Like the kind made from a rock hitting it. Both less than two feet off the ground. On the front of my 4Runner I have a big brush guard. Two things...it arches...and where the scratches are on her bumper...my front end wouldn't have been able to even make contact! Two...if it DID make contact...my brush guard is coated in rubber, and smooth...it would have been physically impossible for it to make scratches. This lady was nothing but a fucking liar. I am guessing she is one of these pieces of shit who drives around all day attempting to stage accidents.

Oh, at one point one of the other cops walks over and starts out the conversation with this gem:

"Well, unlike you sir, she is being very calm and not using any profanity at all....so, you can understand why we..."

That is where I stopped listening to genious. Are you kidding me? OF COURSE SHE IS BEING FUCKING CALM COOL AND COLLECTED you dumbass!!! She is perpetrating a fucking fraud! Now, if you were a guy who was being falsely accused of something you KNEW you were innocent of...would YOU be acting calm, cool, and collected? HIGHLY unlikely. If you were trying to pull a scam...would you be cursing and freaking out and looking like the criminal you are? No...duh! You would be acting exactly like this broad was.

Then I somehow managed to mention getting robbed in January, and reflecting back on how those two fucktards who came to 'assist' us in our time of need instead twisted everything that we said around, and tried to insinuate that my wife and I had 'staged' the crime. How the cops here seem to like looking for the nefarious instead of the fucking obvious! It was later told to us by our friend at the department who SAW those guys' police report and acknowledged that they wrote it up with a lot of cynicism towards us. He felt embarrassed by it. I am not including his name here. For obvious reasons. But I did tell the cops his name...and one of them decides to 'look me up' and call the guy to see if I really know him. Nice move pal. Yeah, that move backfired. Pretty sure most of you know that I never lie about my hand!

After that they did start to soften up a little bit. Then Patrolman Morgan tells me that the guy who doubted that I knew their fellow officer is trained and served for 15 years or so JUST investigating accidents. Really? Then this one should be a slam dunk! You kidding me? I offered to pull my car up to the back end of her car and let THEM decide if there was ANY WAY possible that my car could have made those 'mysterious' scratches on her bumper. They declined. Wow. Oh, but I did recieve another invitation to say ONE MORE WORD and go to jail!

Finally they left. And I went back into my house. Shaking my head. Its nice to know that this is where our local tax money is going. It sucks too, because I really like a few of those Biloxi cops. But how many times am I going to be treated like a fucking criminal in this town by the local fuzz before I finally just say fuck it and move? Whatever. Made for a pretty interesting night.

Philly is now leading 42-14. And its still the first half. Good gawd. Not sure why they let the Skins score twice. I guess the offense needed some rest...so the defense decided to let them catch a breather.

Squirrel just got home from work. Early again. Loving this new schedule they are running so everyone can make their budget numbers and management can get their Christmas bonuses. She has worked about 3 complete shifts in the last two weeks. Oh...and we got our letter today from BP. Seems everyone on the coast got money from BP...except us. And by us...I mean...the casino employees. See, somehow, they arrived at the conclusion that in times of crisis, like the BP oil spill, people turn to gambling as a form of coping. Really? I didn't notice that this summer. Did you guys? So while seemingly everyone bathed in that 20 billion bones that BP agreed to settle with our government for...the casino workers have once again gotten a big stiff DI** in the A**. Thanks BP. You too can suck my ballz! All those nice things I said about you clowns trying to do the right thing...about making things right? You can forget them. I now hate you. And will never get gas at your station for the rest of my life. YOU SUCK! And I urge ALL casino employees to do the same. CHEVRON...that is who I am down to now. EXXON, wont buy their gas because of what they did to Alaska. Shell...can't buy from them because they buy from that whack job in Venezuela. Chevron....yup...that's who I am buying from. Unless my oil field working buddy in Texas who reads this blog can point me in another direction. Sir?

Okay...there is thunder outside now. I am scared...finishing this and going to my room to hide under the covers!

Monkey

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