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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Cash Game is Stupid and Boring...but Funny!

Hi it's Monday. Monday night. I haven't left my room one time today. Not once. I have been here for four days now and have yet to have a maid visit my room. Good thing I re-used my towel twice and brought my Glade Air Freshening Plug In...and don't smoke dope...or they might think someone was dead in here. Today I discovered there is a safe in my room. Maybe I will do something about getting something that I can put in there this upcoming week.

When we last left, the Saints were taking a 1-point lead with a little over a minute left in the game. I think we all know how that one ended. Gregg Williams? It was nice knowing ya pal, now take your act to St. Louis to join your boy Jeff Fisher..and lets find someone who can figure out how to give up less than 400 yards per game, shall we?

Wonder how many wives and girlfriends in the Green Bay area got a beatdown from the grumpy man of the house after the ball game on Sunday???

As if the Saints' loss wasn't hard enough to stomach...my 3rd favorite NFL team (partially cuz I liked them when I was a wee tike living in Montana when they featured the likes of Bart Starr, Terdell Middleton and really cool green uniforms) and my pick in the $25 Survivor Pool (with only 5 out of 225 remaining entries left) AND the $50 MidSeason Survivor Pool (which was down to just 12 of 91) decided to let the NYGiants come into Lambeau Field and do to the Green Crew what they did back in 2008, on their way to beating the undefeated NE Patriots. Only this time it was worse. The Packer's defense looked worse than the Saints. I just sat here in my room, staring at the TV in disbelief.

All these other people wanted to desperately do a deal, any kind of deal...to guarantee some kind of money...the suggestion was $2000 each and play it out for the final $3000 or so. But stupid, 'No Chops in 2012' me...I resisted. And as fate always seems to do to the guy who doesn't want to chop...I got my AA cracked by J10 suited. And I'm sure those other 4 people were laughing at me like a pack of hyenas. Come on 2012...I thank you for 'Bama's win over LSU...okay? I do. Seriously. But this past week? Let's go now...you can do better. I expect to be impressed this week. I'm not going to dwell over this forever. Maybe one more day.

I watched a lot of TV today, and saw a lot of disturbing things on my tellie. First, who decided it would be a good idea to give Anderson Cooper, that little ferret, his own daytime talk show? Why? As if I wasn't already suffering from AC-Overload...now this garbage? Don't we already have too many of these crap daytime talk shows? It would be one thing if he came onto the scene with some new, eye-opening topics...but he isn't. Today's feature? Stupid ass Moms who decide to turn their little princesses into Pageant Babies. We have seen this tired topic already...and it never does anything but make us wanna smash the TV, right? Well, today's featured a mother whose voice made you want to peel the skin off of your arms! Don't believe me? I dare you to watch.


Here is another thing that keeps popping up on my TV in my room...not just today, but every time I am in Vegas. It prompts a few questions.  (1) Do people really hire this guy to be their lawyer?  (2) Is this guy for real?  (3) Do judges take this guy seriously?  (4) Pretty sure this guy isn't straight...but I need to know, what gay man would have this twerp? (5) Is it possible that this commercial, and all of his others, are merely spoofs? You be the judge.



And what the hell is the deal with lawyers and the number '4?' The injury lawyer in Pensacola also has the number 444-4444...this assclown has 434-444 and the other bozo here in Vegas, Richard Harris...has (702) 444-4444. There has to be something to this.

The poll over there on the right margin is now closed. The Saints were the overwhelming favorite to win the Super Bowl...not surprising considering 50-60% of my 'fan base' is located within 300 miles of the Superdome. But Green Bay was #2 at 27%...followed by...well, who cares. The season is officially over for me now. Nothing to really root for, since I am also mathematically eliminated from my NFL Playoff Pool, despite entering a record 6 entries this year. Ahhh but yes, I guess there are the Super Bowl Squares to look forward to. Last year I kicked ass. But I just got shut out in the two BCS boards...so who knows???

I am pretty displeased with the amount of comments I get. I like getting comments. I know this site makes it kind of a pain in the ass to leave comments. Some of these other blog servers have a space right below the post where you can post comments. I spend a lot of time interacting with jokers on ESPN, Yahoo and Huffington Post, leaving one comment after another. Yes, I do realize, of course...that this is a huge waste of time, and that I am contributing very little to the advancement of mankind. Or myself.

Right now, and for the past 6 hours...I have raging heartburn, and I am out of my new 'candy' Tums...the flavored kind, that I eat like Mentos. My gift shop doesn't carry them, I won't 'do' Rolaids, and I'm too lazy to walk to Wal Green.

Are you guys ready for another season of American Idol? I personally am over ALL the singing and dancing shows. I watched 'X-Factor' until I got sick of it....which I think was Week 3 or 4...then never watched again. Don't even know who won, and don't care. I have elected to stay on the consumer side of the music industry...whoever wins, and puts out an album...if I like it, I will buy it. It will change my life very little. All those 'flash in the pan' performers 'who got screwed by America not voting for them?' I will never get to know them...therefore, I will not care. If I gotta listen to one more crying, sobbing 16 year old lament their life being over 'because this is the only thing I have to live for, and now that I've been voted off, I don't know what I'm going to do!!!' I swear to God I was going to shoot my TV.

I have a new favorite TV commercial. Wanna see it? Good....cuz here it is.


I think the first time I saw this, I laughed my guts out for about 15 minutes. Now, every time I see it, I just want to go out and get an eye patch.

I played cash game two nights in a row. Once, on Saturday, after hanging out with Omar Hikary at his place watching New England destroy God's favorite team, the Denver Tebows. And again last night. Last night was much more pleasant than Saturday night. For one reason and one reason alone. See this prick below?


Its kind of hard to make out his face. Imagine a guy who either (a) has worked on a fishing boat or a garbage barge for 20 years (b) smokes ten packs of Winston's a day, and who's teeth look like fading kernels of corn (c) has the adulterated, patronizing laugh of Tom Franklin (d) commentates on EVERY SINGLE FUCKING hand he plays...to the dismay of everyone at the table (e) offers explanation AFTER every single fucking hand as to why he played the hand the way he did (f) stands 30 feet from the table, so he can smoke, after straddling...only to raise his straddle blind...get his 20 raise re-raised (by me, to 50 with KK) then walks over to the table...looks down at pocket AA and shoving all in...which looks nothing to the astute observer as anything more than a classic 're-steal' with arrogance....and gets the call of course, then takes all of my stack. 

You know that guy? I sat down very eager to be left the fuck alone. Every player at the table....Oh, sorry, yeah, I was playing at Riviera...where I am staying...every player was, um...what's the right word here? Let's just say they were people who I would never WANT to get to know. For whatever reason. Not saying they were terrible people...well, except for this raging asshole...they just weren't anyone who figure into the next 30-40 years of my life. So I wasn't talking to anyone. But this jackhole kept trying to engage me in conversation. "Hey...Cowboy! Nice hand! I'm gonna go ahead and letcha have this one, Cowboy!"

"Dude...why do you keep calling me Cowboy? My name isn't Cowboy. In fact I'm 1/8th Sioux Indian, and frankly I'm offended."

Well, your shirt looks like a shirt a cowboy would wear? Huh? It looks NOTHING like a shirt Kenny Milam would wear! What an asshole! So what did I do? I left the table, went to my room, changed into jeans, a packers t-shirt, a sweatshirt...a Bama hat, and got my iPad and headphones....and returned. When I left I was up about $100. It took about half an hour before the KK vs. AA debacle occurred, and I just couldn't stomach the time and effort it was going to take to reclaim those lost chips. And as I had sat and watched him run off not one, not two, but three players with his drunken, chain-smoking chortling every hand...I just decided to join the exodus.

I seem to notice something. There seems to be a massive abundance of assholes who play cash game. A lot, more so than who play tournaments. Is this a fluke? Am I just getting a bad sample size? All I know, is that it takes a whole different mind set for me to sit down and play cash game than it does to play cash. I have a feeling that after our baby arrives, and I am unable to hit the road to play tourneys as I have for the past 6 years...that I will have to start treating poker like a job, logging 4-5 sessions at IP to make ends meet. And that freaks me out.

The next night I played at Venetian. In for $300 out for $640. But this was over a 9-hour period. And it was so annoying. I was shooting for $1000...or a $700 profit...and every time I would get to around $800 in my stack...I would lose a couple big pots. Stumble back down to $350-$400....build it all the way back up....boom, slide back down. The good part was that I had a relatively good group of people at my table, and ate some very diet-friendly meals, including a big bowl of blueberries, and a bowl of sliced cucumbers. No alcohol was consumed, just Perrier...so I have been sticking to my 'Lose 30 by 4/30' diet plan!

I find it fascinating that when you are playing cash game...there always seems to be a situation develop where 'your side' of the table declares war on the other side of the table. It always makes it kind of entertaining. And it was no different last night...and this morning, as I played until 8am. We took to labeling these guys with nicknames. At some point, a guy in the 8-seat, who I'm almost positive was a closet homo....at first thought he was a proud gay maybe, but that all went by the wayside when he shouted at the guy next to me in the 3-seat that he 'was a fag!'

I'm not kidding. And this guy was easily 40 years old or older. And trying to pass himself off once as an 'owner of a broadcasting company' to one player in the ten-seat...then later on presenting himself as a Full Tilt Pro. He was killing us. But calling the guy a fag was just hilarious. What made it so funny...was about 10 minutes earlier... the floor had to be called when these two got into it, with the guy next to me telling him to shut the fuck up after he kept inserting himself into a discussion in a hand he had nothing to do with. The guy was a complete jerkoff. Floor gave them both a warning, and told the dealer to let him know if anything else went down.  But who called the floor?  This twerpy little closet dwelling bald guy. Who just ten minutes later calls the guy a fag.

Me: "Oh my God...did you just call him a fag? What grade are you in!????"

Yes, the whole table was now laughing at this guy. I made the guy next to him my target to bust...with him as the second target. The guy I was targeting looked like a vampire, straight out of the show Twilight...and was trying to show off to his vampiress sitting behind him.

This is the closest I could find, except the real guy looked like Meatloaf if he was 20 years younger and 150 lbs lighter. But this is rather close.

Well I would realize my fantasy...when with 77 I checked in the BB. The flop was 6-7-8. Not bad...and he claims to have flopped a straight, though we never saw that hand...or any other hand. Similar to never seeing him between the hours of 6am and 5pm. I turned a 6 to ruin his day. And take all the rest of his chips. And him and Elvira, Mistress of the Night departed.

The moron, the bald guy, who we were calling all sorts of nicknames, including Magneto...which was later corrected to Professor Xavier. Then he was whoever that captain on the new Star Trek was that was played by Patrick something or other. I started calling him Jeff Garcia after he decided to call the guy 'on my end' a fag. The guy on our end of the table...who was wearing a leather jacket, had a fully sculpted facial hair design...we were calling Wolverine...we liked him. He had a good, dark, sarcastic sense of humor. It was a very entertaining night.

To sum it up...cash game is really pretty stupid. And boring. But it can be funny, if you have just the right mix of people at the table, and the dealers are cool. We had one dealer who was actually piling on a couple of times...and that made it even funnier. The occasional shit-faced guy would stumble by for 20 or 30 minutes, buy in for $80 or $100 which is always comical...and the whole table would clown him...on our fleeting moment of complete table solidarity. In a way, I guess cash game IS kind of like tourneys...in that new players are always coming and going, running out of money. And I guess in tourneys there is also a rake...they just punch you in the face all at once in tourneys...when you buy in.

The circuit event starts at Caesar's starts in a couple days. Thursday is the first event. I hope, I really hope...that they get a good turnout. I really need to come home with $50-$100k...so that when Carley Grace arrives, I can be at peace with everything and not stressing out. It only takes two night hits...and there will sure be a lot of shots...with 12 days at Caesar's followed by a month at Venetian.

Kai has made a pact of sorts with Bill and GeneD to start blogging a lot more often. Which we are all happy about. I guess the deal is that he will blog every Sunday. Just read his latest post...pretty good. I encourage you to check out the freaks ramblings.  CLICK HERE to go read his latest diatribe.

Before I leave you...I must say that I am very, very proud of one of my good friends, who first apologized for crossing the picket line and going to play the stupidest named tourney to ever exist, The Million Dollar Heater....ridiculous. Now there were a lot of you out there who I sort of count as friends who decided to contribute to Johnny Grooms' gigantic ego and pocketbook these past couple of weeks, and while I am happy for those of you who enjoyed success at this event, I will be getting back at each and every one of you in my own creative (yet legal) sneaky way.  

But to my one STAND UP....LOYAL...friend...who made a final table...cashed very handsomely...and left a personal message to His Royal Highness...I say...."THANK YOU SIR."  It's nice to know there are still some out there who aren't afraid to send a message. And to the jagoffs who leave snarky messages on here that I'm just jealous because I can't play at the Beau? Seriously? Have you NOT been following along? If I WAS allowed to play at the Beau, I would STILL be out west. I do not, and will not...ever contribute one DOLLAR of my money to any poker operation that Grooms is a part of. When he is gone...then I will make a couple of calls, get myself back into the Beau Rivage...and start promoting their casino and their poker room like I had done for years before the egomaniac decided to declare war on me.



I do believe I am done here for the day. Ahhhh yeah...that felt good!

WAIT!!! NO! I am not done! This is TOO FUNNY! It's like two ships passing in the night...which might not be such a good analogy given that ship that is laying on it's side in the Mediterranean...but whatever! I just went to post this blog to my Facebook page...as I always do...and my Facebook account wouldn't let me log in without doing a bunch of security checks...then informs me that a certain PICTURE....hahahahaha THIS ONE....has been REMOVED! For violating some kind of 'conduct policy' of some kind! NO EFFING WAY! I love it. This picture is not even featured on my wall. It appears, and was made by one of my group members...in the GROUP that I created on Facebook called "Boycott the Beau until Grooms is Toast"....and was posted like 6 months ago.  [ membership is still open to those wanting to join the group!!! ]

Photoshop is hilarious! I wish I knew how to use it!
This little group I created was what, I'm 99.9% positive, led to His Royal Highness going to MGM/Beau Rivage security and concocting a mission to get me 86'd from EVERY MGM property around the globe. So now that this picture has been forcibly removed by Facebook, this tells me it obviously bothered him enough to have to go through quite a process to get it removed. GOOD! Do I care that this troll had me evicted from a place where I am dependent on making a living? Over what? A grudge? What a child. Oh it annoys me...but I know enough about this guy to know that he won't keep that job forever...so in the mean time...I will just gleefully play at all the other places.

MONKEY

4 comments:

Kelly said...

Here's a comment. You're welcome.

VegasDWP said...

Hey Monkey,

If you're watching lots of Las Vegas TV, you've no doubt come across that OTHER ambulance-chasing lawyer Glen Learner. I have a vacation condo in Vegas, and every time I'm there this ass-clown is on TV 24/7.

His little jingle is the bomb, though: "Glenn Learner is the way to go, call eight-seven-seven-one-five-oh-oh"!

Racer X said...

Hey Mr. Will Mouth of the South. Truly enjoy your posts, but crap can't you win one of these dam things. I think you over commit yourself into many hands. Play smaller pots and make your swings smaller. I could improve your game. You always tryin to hit home run. Win a pot or two and double up thru dummies. Your two pair vs. a Pair of kings should be able to have you increase your stack steadily instead of wild up and down swings. Your good, but not good enough. The game has changed. Change with it man. Six years and you only have minimal wins. You have too much degenerate in your blood. Let the degenerate go and play for blood, your kid. Let the gambler go down the mississippi. Play smart, not for glory but for the money. Throw out the booze, throw out the ipad, throw out the music, concentrate and outthink these phucks. You have game but too much macho camacho. All that matters are the washingtons. let the karma flow and the dough will flow, let a little luck be your guiding light........ Racer X.

Paul said...

Monkey, I am a few years younger than you, I am 6'2'' and weigh 225......down from 245.

You HAVE TO mix in some exercise with watching what you eat or you will never drop the pounds you want. Don't get me wrong, watching what you eat is great and will help, but you will hate how painfully slow the weight comes off in your 40's without doing some cardio or something.

I read your blog all the time but I think if you started replying to some comments, you would get more. Of course, more douchebags would post but you can just delete those. A little interaction would probably help.

Good luck at the tables! Fuck the haters.