Tuesday Day 20. Sick as Hell...and tired of Bubbling.

I know its getting bad when the floor guy at Venetian comes by my table and tells me "Hey Monkey, whats the deal man? You haven't posted anything in four days! Come on!" Dammit. Okay, I will pull my shit together and give you something....

[Quick not here. VENETIAN? I LOVE YOU GUYS! But there is ONE thing I am simply BEGGIN you guys to FIX/CHANGE...if not IMMEDIATELY for this event, at the very least...for the next event. The TOP HEAVY payouts are a nightmare, good for only ONE thing, working out good Chop/Save deals when getting down to 6 handed. You are not making SHIT until you hit the 3rd tier in payouts. Yesterday there were 819 players, paying 74 spots...the payline was $406, on a $340 buy in. This is ridiculous! I mean even Harrah's of all casinos figured this one out. You cash at any of theirs and you at least double up. Come on Venetian...please fix this, guys.]



I am laid up in bed about to die. Thought I was on top of this cold, but it has wrapped its ugly grip around my throat and begun to choke the life out of me. I have always been the guy to say..."If you are sick and coughing, leave that shit at home, don't bring it in to my poker room, bitch!" So now, I am pressed into the unenviable spot of complying with my dictum. At a very bad time in the year, the World Series, and all that encompasses it.



The last three or four days have been very eventful. For a lot of reasons, some of which I simply cannot write about. Some things just have to stay in the clubhouse. Sorry.



Today is Tuesday. I did not cash today. I did not bubble either, finally! I actually went out at 6:30pm, BEFORE the dinner break. That's a switch.



Let's back it up. We will go to Saturday. My buddy Mike "Fast Talking" Terril arrived in town. We decided to play at Ceasers, giving them a chance after they changed their structure. I had a feeling they would attact a huge field. I was dead wrong. There were only 141 players, paying 9. The theme this trip has been very similar every tourney...the players SUCK. It is very easy to chip up early. Top pair is gold to them. Flush draws are something that must ALWAYS be chased. So on Saturday, I would chip up early and often. I had this scary looking German guy with these mirrored glasses like the ones Ponch wore in C.H.I.P.S. get moved to my table, and he would stare me down over and over, whether I was in the hand or not. It was freaking me out. Meanwhile there were other things to freak me out.



There is a waitress who buzzes around the room with this voice....whoa...like a damn cross between a troll and munchkin..."Beverages, cold drinks...." She makes the "Baaaaackk Maaassaaage" girl look almost normal and tolerable. Her voice and her face are about as much a match as Michelle Obama and Kim Jong-Il of North Korea. I like Michelle.



I would get my table broken...and moved to a new one, with 27 players remaining and me sitting on about 58K, with average now about 85K. Needing a double up. And who comes to my table with me? The freaky German, Ginger-kid grown up, Red Hair, no lips, and those horrible scary glasses. Calls every time I raise. Raises my BB every chance he gets. I pick up KK and raise 3x to 6000. He calls in the BB. He 'checks in the dark.' Ohhh the always mysterious 'check in the dark' that we all fear like a rabid monkey released into a room of banana-wielding babies. The flop comes 10-8-4. I bet out 20K. He stares back at me, and probably thinking I have AK like they all do, announces in his monotone, robotic way that he is "Ahhhhhhllllll in" I call fearing a set or worse, J9, 56...some weird combination cards requiring ONE card in the deck to arrive. Nope, just Q8 offsuit. Yep, he has an 8. And as the 2 hits the turn, and I am thinking I may just be about to double up, the dealer crushes my hopes and dreams of winning a massive $12,000 for first (thats a sick joke there, nice turnout Ceasers!) by slapping a Q on the river. Thanks Bud. 9:45pm. OUT. Awesome.



The day started quite ominously. Having been out the night before...at Sapphire, and feeling rather run down and not wanting to risk $1500 at Rio, I took the smaller buy in option instead. I actually showed up feeling quite good. I was very chatty and making fun conversation with the entire table. Somewhere about level 2 a new floor person there, Greg, shows up at my table and tells me "Excuse me sir, I would like to ask you to please hold down your voice a bit, there are complaints from other tables that you are being too loud!" I started looking around. I was sure someone had put him up to this. Hmm...no, this feels real. So, I decided to defend myself. "Um, yeah, hi Greg. I havent met you. First of all, I am being pretty mild by my usual standards. Second of all, I know the rules, and until I am breaking a rule, or offending someone, I will continue to talk as much, and as often as I want. I paid my $340 like all these other players, and I happen to enjoy talking. My table mates and I are getting along quite well. If someone at antoher table is 'annoyed' by me, that is their problem. And finally, maybe if you guys had some players show up for your events, and this place had more than 140 players sitting in it, it would be loud enough so that you couldn't hear every word coming out of my mouth. This must be what its like to play a poker tournament in a library!"



And that was that. Later I would see him trying to explain what he had told me to another floor guy, who I DID know. I could tell they were talking about me. So I walked over there. Confronted him. I was right. We worked things out. I think the other guy told young Greg that he needed to maybe leave Monkey the hell alone. Maybe not, but I think I am going with my theory on that one.



Sunday would roll around. We decide to go back to Ceasers. Why? Not sure. Again, expected a large crowd. Sunday was a $1500 at Venetian. And a $2k at WSOP, so I thought maybe Ceasers would get a big crowd. The previous night I was down at the Shutters/Hooker Bar talking to Matt Brady and E-Tay (she now refuses to be called Esther Taylor) about what to play the next day...right before Matt tried to 'hustle me' for $500. Apparantly he had researched ahead of time how many tourney cashes I had (which varies, according to what PokerPages and Cardplayer have decided to publish and omit from their reportings....its somewhere between 47 and 50) and made it a point to challenge me that I didn't have 49 cashes. I took the bet, having not looked up my stats in awhile and feeling 95% confident that I would have 49 reported on one of the two sites. Well, he already knew I guess, and when we looked on both one said 48, the other 47. FUCK. So, not one to be a weasel/welsch...I paid him the $500...hating life...and snuck off up to my room. Crawled into bed and prepared to slip into a coma.



Keith came in a short while later. He threw $500 at me, telling me that him and Brady had set me up. Jackasses. I fell asleep.



We get to Ceasers on Sunday. There are 225 players. Better, but still, not great. This time 1st place would be around $14k. Paying 18. $1150 to cash.

[I am watching Jimmy Kimmel right now, the Jonas Brothers are performing from their live concert in England. Excuse me for one second...but WHAT THE HELL is the allure with these twits? If any of these bozos EVER show up at my poker table they are getting hit with a BOUNTY!]



We arrived very late. I was in Seat 8. Seat 7 was vacant. For a good while. This would become a very, very bizarre day in poker. I order a pineapple juice. Its half empty. In comes overly cocky Asian guy, with his stupid designer shades, his expensive headphones, and his bad breath slipping into seat 7. He grabs my pineapple juice and puts it on the floor. "Excuse me, can I please have my pineapple juice?" He shoots me a dirty look and gives it back to me.



Then he starts riffling his chips. Constantly. Causing me to lose my mind. I finally freak out and grab my own overly expensive Bose headphones from my bag to compete with him. And to shut out the riffling.



Sitting in the 2 seat quite possible the worst player I have encountered on this trip. (and who's picture I have taken-of course) He has already made three or four of the most unbelievably bad plays I have ever seen. I am quite certain he has taken notice of me critiquing his amazing skills. So now, every time I raise, he insta-calls. I get into every hand he limps (as long as I have a 'playable' hand) into. Once I call 200 with 7h9h, with 5 other callers. The flop comes 6-7-9. He bets out 400. And with a pot now at 1400, I raise to 2200. No one else calls, except him. Moron. Turn brings a J, which also creates a double flush situation. Not hearts though. He checks. I bet 4000! He calls. River is a 5, and completes a possible flush. I am sure this doink was calling me with something like A8, and think FOR SURE he has hit a damn straight. He leads out for 7500. Son of a bitch! There is now no way I can call. I call him a few choice names and fire my cards to the muck. They catch a little air...may have nailed the dealer in the stomach. Whatever.



That's when our Asian buddy speaks up. "Too bad you can't buy class." Not to me. No, just one of those...'I think I'll make a statement and see how popular it is with the crowd.' I say NOTHING. Nope, instead I just start staring at the guy. I am glued on him for about 5 minutes, with my music blaring. He is saying something, I can't hear him. I don't care. I am trying to scare or freak him out. It's working. I see his lips move in what looks like an offensive statement. I pull away one earphone and ask him, in a very soft voice "I'm sorry, did you have something you want to say to me?" "Yeah, why don't you chill the fuck out man!" Ooooops! FLOOR!!!! Hollers the dealer.



Floor arrives. Dealer explains the situation. Floor tries to give us BOTH a warning. I calmly ask why I am getting a warning when all I did was ask the guy if he had something he wished to say to me. He ends up agreeing with me. So he gives ASO a warning. Which causes him to go nuts. He pulls the race card, suggesting he is getting a warning only because he is Asian. Thats a new one. Living in the south I'm kind of used to the race card coming out on Black/White situations...but never before on the Yellow/White field. Hmmm. Interesting. He gets a one round penalty. But insists on staying at the table. So I keep staring at him. He is coming apart at the seams. Finally, he can't take it anymore and goes to smoke a cigarette.



He comes back finally. On literally his 3rd hand, he raises from 200/400 to 1200. I look down at KK. I re-raise him to 3500. He calls. The flop comes Js-2s-2h. He checks. I bet 4000. He puts me all in. I call. He has 5s-6s. Oh, I almost forgot the best part. When the guy in the 2 seat, Mr Donkey...watched little buddy get a warning, then a penalty, he ran over to the floor, thus deeming himself the TABLE RAT...to give his version of the story. So with this jerkoff needing a spade to knock me out...the Rat down there is chanting for a spade. Sorry, turn is a K. Thanks for the double up, assclown. I ask the table "So, raise your hand if you WERENT rooting for a spade." To which the JapoDonk says "They were ALL rooting for a spade you fool! No one wants you to win! Are you that stupid!?"



"Yeah, I kind of got that ya moron, hence my rhetorical question, slash joke you simpleton!" Now please hurry up and donk off the rest of your chips. He would. Very quickly too. He raises in UTG+1 with, ahemm....34off. He gets re-raised by KK in the BB. He calls. BB catches a really bad flop....K-5-10. He checks and our Hero with the Zero goes all in. Drawing dead sir. Well, pretty much. And he storms out...another Monkey Antagonizer out the door. See ya!

OH MY GOD! So, this is about half way through the blog entry! I literally spent an additional hour writing this....little did I know I lost connection a long time ago, and EVERYTHING I wrote from this point on failed to be saved. So it only saved up to this point. Its now 3:40am, and thought I was done. There is no way I can bang all that out again. I am going to sleep, and just leaving you all hanging. Sorry. But I have to play at noon at Venetian. Wow...that pisses me off!

MONKEY