COU-SPLATTTA!!!! Stupid Monkey!!!!

What the hell was I thinking!????

Oh people do I have a lot to tell you about regarding my last night in Atlantic City...and it involves the Taj Majal. But I cannot even BEGIN to get onto that topic.

WHY? Because I am raging right now. I just completed tearing up the parking lot...ahem, the World's largest most retarded parking lot in the world, at Coushatta...and now am in the motel room I rented so that I could destroy. Luckily I don't think I have done anything that will be billed to my credit card.

I plan next to get in my car and drive like a bat out of hell to my house, where I plan to hide under the covers, snuggle with my dogs, make love to my wife (if she'll have me) and sleep for the next four days!

I am so mad right now. All the indicator signs were lining up that I was about to end multiple curses and bad omens. Son of a (*@&!(&@!#!!!! I know I said on here last year that I was never coming back to Coushatta. And when I said it, I truly meant it.

But, here I am last night...sitting on a layover in Memphis, and I see that tomorrow (Friday) is the $1k Coushatta Main Event. Hmmmm. A simple left hand turn out of the New Orleans airport and 3 hour drive and I am there. Should I do it? First things first...I smell this amazing barbecue coming from around the corner....follow your nose monkey.....OH MY GOD! Wow! $18.82 later I am feasting on some killer barbecue...on the plane....listening to this almost-Keanu Reeves look-a-like babble his fucking face off to the lady next to him who may or may NOT have cared....for the entire 1 hour and 27 minutes it took to deplane. Literally, he talked the entire way, and very loud. Before we got to the gate, he says..."My wife tells me I talk to much...." and I say, rather loudly..."Noooooooo!" To which the entire three rows behind me start to laugh. He was oblivious.

[I am now watching Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iranian psychopath, talk to Larry King. Can someone PLEASE tell me why we arent having this piece of shit picked off while he is on American soil?]

Related, or kind of unrelated to this rant regarding my Coushatta Fuckbeat....I am driving up here last night, because Yeah...I decide, against the other option of going home and seeing my wife who misses me and my dogs who miss me...to take a shot at 70k...and I am listening to talk radio, some weasel bag idiot named...I think, Tommy Tucker out of New Orleans who has his ass twisted on backwards. He is repeatedly making this point on Afghanistan that is utterly ridiculous.

"General McCrystal ordered Air Force bombing be heavily reduced, to reduce civilian casualties on July 2nd...and what has resulted is reduced civilian deaths but heightened military deaths. This course of action shows that the military is more concerned with Afghanistan lives than American soldiers' lives, because they are depriving our troops of air support that will keep them from getting killed."

This absolute idiot kept drilling this statement at this listeners. I called in, was in the cue....was listening to one caller after another, and him...and getting totally hysterical, wanting to rip the steering wheel off the car. Liberal media, again...driving public support against a war he has NO IDEA about.

Why is it so hard for these peckerheads to see what this war is REALLY about? I hope some of you really care about this.

(a) GWBush totally fucked up in 2001! We waited 2 months before going into Afghanistan, thus allowing the Taliban to move elements of their core leadership out of the area, as well as Al-Queda leadership, including 'ol FuckFace himself, Osama Bin Laden.

(b) We invaded, and focused on Kandahar, instead of heading for the mountains right away. We established a presence, and a base of operations, and that was about it.

(c) Dum Dum then decides, along with Super Hawk Paul Wolfowitz to orchestrate their vendeta war on Iraq, claiming the presence of WMD's. There are none. We depose Saddam. We turn the country into a terrorist's Disneyland...a place to come and take potshots at Americans.

(d) Meanwhile, we almost completely ignore Afghanistan while the Taliban re-organize, and the Al-Queda return to the area. While this is going on...they begin to mobilize and assemble in Pakistan. Why? Because they are attempting to spread Islam and their political influence in the region.

(e) Obama takes office. Appoints new General to the region. Buys into the idea of increasing troops. Employs CIA assets in Pakistan to support the resistance to the Taliban, successfully so far.

(f) Random air attacks kills some civilians, very near the time of elections in Afghanistan. Bad timing. Bad PR. To win the hearts and minds of the Afghanis in the region who are not supporting the Taliban regime, it is important to TRY not to kill the innocent victims, hence McCrystal and the Defense Department issue a statement, appearing to be softening their campaign of bombing.

(g) In actuality, this is little more than a PR stunt. And totally necessary. There are, I guarantee, no situations where troops are being boxed in or flanked and NOT getting necessary air support. EVER! And what the Air Force is doing is putting more assets in the area involving UAV's (unmanned arial vehicles) to focus on specific attacks.

(h) Our current war in Afghanistan is not against the COUNTRY of Afghanistan. This isnt a question of valueing Afghani lives over American lives. This is a war on two specific fronts. ONE: Against the Taliban, who is attempting to spread their extremist Muslim influence over the region...which would include Pakistan, and their nuclear potential. TWO: Al-Queda, who with the help of the Taliban are able to reorganize openly on Afghani soil. The simple presence of these clowns there is enough reason to order thousands of American troops into the area to wipe them out.

(i) When did it become confusing as to why we are there in the first place? We are there to get them before they get us. Do you pacifistic liberals really think we should just LEAVE Afghanistan and everything will 'be cool!???' That they will just leave us alone? You are all delusional! They would LOVE IT if we would leave! Yeah...good idea, lets just leave! And in about 2 or 3 years, instead of our troops dying in fractional numbers over THERE...we will have HUNDREDS of civilians dying right here at home, on a regular basis.

(j) Should we get the hell out of Iraq? Almost definitely. That place is a joke. You have 4 seperate religious factions all fighting with each other. We should either turn brutal and wipe them all out and just RULE the place, which there is no doubt we COULD do if we chose to...take all their property and natural resources, and insert our own form of government and establish a police state. Or we can just bug out. And since we are a Christian-based society in general, option A is fairly untenable.

(k) Its pretty simple. Muslims hate us. They do NOT want to 'work with us.' They want to disrupt our way of life, and watch us suffer. They want to destroy our system of capitalism. They want to see us die. What we have in the Middle East are soldiers who 'get it' and are willing to make the sacrafices to slow these assholes down. To wound their infrastructure the only way we can. To leave, come home...and just wait for them to show up and start the killing here on American soil is hilarious to me. WAKE UP AMERICA!

(l) Last point. This radio show host was a complete assclown. Reading stats and basing his opinions on them. At one point...he is trying to compare last years deaths to this years deaths...and there is 25 seconds of dead air as he attempts to subtract the number from the first number...what a retard! Then mumbles..."I should have done the math first..." Duh! Ya think so you moron? Or maybe actually look into what the fuck you are talking about! I hope someone knows this bozo, and forwards this to him...and he responds to this. And maybe I won't lose my phone connection and not miss out on confronting him on the airwaves. Yah! I'm talking to YOU TOMMMY Freaking TUCKER you jackassss!

Wow...that was my biggest rant in a long time...and completely might have gotten me over this bad fucking beat I just took!

I show up...for their 10am start...ON TIME! The staff remembers me, greets me, which made me feel pretty good. I get to my seat, count out my 20k chips. I am so tired. But at least I slept last night with NO snoring! First hand....AsQs. Raise from 100/100 to 300. NO GREEN chips in play. That sucks. I get three calls. I flop A-Q-10. Bet 600, all fold. Hey now! Winning first hand is nice.

I get JJ. NO good. I have this Lao...uh oh...how do you spell this...a guy from Laos....Laotian? We will go with that. Sitting next to me...was the rest of the statement. He makes these noises...like...um...maybe R2D2. Or possible C3Po. He's rather annoying. He is also a calling station. We have 3 total morons at the table. I really don't want to get into individual hand play...because it will take too long. But the donkeys seem to be winning the hands that good players should be winning. AA gets cracked by, yep....46offsuit. Yes, it was raised preflop. KK goes down to QJoffsuit. Yes...it was raised..and HUGE, preflop. Pretty much every good hand was losing.

I had decided on the way here...that with this goofy structure...I was going to play a very bizaare strategy here. 100/100 1st level. 10 min break. 100/200 2nd level. THEN DINNER BREAK! Yeah. Strange. These guys laid out a really nice spread in the adjoining room. Lots of food and beverages, a really nice touch. I was hovering around 20k at the 2nd break, and having a good time. Seeing lots of people I knew, answering lots of questions like those having to do with the Beau Rivage. Ughhh. A tired subject. Was actually feeling like I might do something here. My strategy was to try and play a lot of hands at level 1, and some at level 2 and then just completely tighten up and play ONLY top 5-8 hands from there on out. I think with bad players...and there are a lot of them here...if you can hover around an average stack...until you get to 500/1000 with 100 antes...finally (first level of antes) then get into heads up showdowns...you can quickly get to 100k or more and make a deep run.

This was how I played. I lost a couple big hands, laid down a couple of big hands...and with AJ in the BB at 400/800 and 10,200 chips I was heads up with the BB, who was one of the aforementioned pyschos. No way in hell I was just going to raise this guy. So I just moved in. He snap calls! Fuck! I'm dead. Nope not really, he turns over 77. I flop an ace, it holds and I have doubled up to over 20k. Nice. We get to the end of the 5th level. One more level and we break for the night. Wow, I can do this.

Oh...I forgot to mention some things. This asshole in the 2 seat, who came over in level 3 after that poor old guy had his KK cracked by QJ donkey boy...has quickly established himself as ultra aggressive, the internet guy...the thief. The guy I most want to bust. Then he really does it. When it happens, he has over 40k in chips. A guy in the 1-seat...a really nice guy, who looks a lot like Drew Carey, and is likeable in the ways Drew Carey is...has raised from 400/800 to 5000! WHAT!??? And thats when I look down at QQ. Oh no! Not those bitches again. Well, I am putting Drew on AK or JJ. JJ, that would be fine. But AK and I know I will get fucked. I am not even 30 seconds into my thought process when 'too cool for school' over there calls clock on me! Oh nooooo you didnt motherfucker! I fold. Drew shows me ONE king. Maybe he had KK, but I think he had AK...and even then, I like my fold. But now I had a Monkey Voodoo Hex working on that 2-seat fuckbird. Well, I never had to lift a finger. He would completely blow up! He literally D-O-N-K-E-D off every last chip! My favorite was when he got caught with J-7...when a guy check-raised him with the nuts. Ha!!!!! Then...the kill shot, couldn't be ANY BETTER...was when he limped with K-10. Calls a 3x raise...then...when the other guy has flopped two pair....he calls the all in....FOR 23k!!!!!! with an open ended draw...and misses!!! And is OUT! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thats what you get for fucking with the Monkey you son of a bitch!

On the last hand before the end of level 5 I raise another guy I have grown to like a bit....with AQ. He is thinking about it...uh oh....but then finally folds and shows me K10! I say "Whew....K10....my nemesis, thank you sir...." and show him AQ. We maintain our mutual respect for one another.

Level 6. Final level of the night. Lets do this. Lets have a good level. First damn hand. UTG...AQ suited. Raise to 3x. The twit...the Laotian twit...next to me...does his stupid "Hoo Hoo....call" bullshit...flop comes all rags. He checks. I'm not betting...forget it. This guy is a loose cannon. But the turn is a K...he checks again. I fire 6k into a 6500 pot. He calls!! Shit. I better see an ace on the river. I don't. He checks again! WTF? Well, I now have only 12k left, and no way am I trying to bluff an 18,000 pot with 12k. I check. He has JJ. Huh? Really? Well played sir. Don't bet the flop. Call 6000 on the King...and then check the river. Jeeezuz.

So...very next hand. I am in the BB. Button makes it 3600. C3Po next to me calls. Whistle, whistle...beep, beeep......you fucking freak. I have 10-10. "I'm all in! 12,800" The button folds. Hmmm..stealing at 500/1000. With a short stack. Good play. R2D2's best friend calls. Great. Lets see it. AhKh. Okay, at least its a good hand. I know I'm going to lose this fucking race...I get up out of my chair and start to gather my shit. I see a TEN IN THE WINDOW! Oh hell yes! Win this and I am up to almost 30k! He hits a King. Starts whoooping again...that stupid HOO HOOO thing hes doing. I am starting in my head to think "you're drawing dead you little freakaziod" when I realize he's not totally....the turn is a heart....oh God, oh God...nooooo....don't do it dealer...DO NOT DO IT......please.....I beg you.....asshole there..."hoo hooooo...hooo hoooo" dude SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!.............come on dealer.....spare us the drama.....

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! 8 of hearts on the river.
No goddamn way. I get up, calmly. Wish everyone luck. Then the next five minutes was sheer pandemonium, but outside, in the parking lot. It involved bushes, litter on the ground, my hat...my jacket....my bag....and I believe some tires that had never met me before.

Why.......why did I come here? Why? Now I get to drive home....5 hours. Pissed. Granted, at least the guy HAD SOMETHING. I can't be mad at him for getting lucky with the runner runner. I'm not. I'm mad at the poker gods. Why? We get the Monkey Clock Caller outa here. I get K10 to fold. I was so close to being out of day 1 in Coushatta....of all places....things were looking so good. And then POW! Right in the kisser! And out!

Yeah, this one hurt. It stung. Bad. Now I just wish I could snap my fingers, be in my driveway, see my happy dogs...and take my wife in my arms and just hold her....well, for awhile anyway! ;) But I can't because now I have to make this drive from hell.

This job I have...its so....grrrrrr...frustrating. I mean I love it, and I hate it. I really was having a fun day though. The staff was awesome, the dealers were a lot better than last year, the food was fantastic...it was a good turnout. Everyone for the most part enjoyed my humor, I think. It was shaping up as, potentially, a great day. Then....boom....runner runner and it was over. So bummed. Not your fault Coushatta....not your fault. Just another cruel twist to this game. Dammit.

I still have LOTS to tell you guys about the last day in Atlantic City, including a VERY exciting phone call with a guy in NYC that has resulted in my very first poker sponsor/endorsement deal since I started playing this game. I will give the details to all this later on. For now, I am going to drive home...and come to terms with this day. And this most recent trip.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

MONKEY