Final day in Aruba

6pm and I am sitting at the gazebo near the pool, having just spent all afternoon laying in the pool, finishing my most recent Vince Flynn novel "Term Limits." Another 600 page thriller, DONE! That makes 2 600 page books I have read while ON a poker trip, the last one at Borgata, and now this one in Aruba. Not sure if that makes me the most boring human being on the planet or what? Surely not what you people have come to expect from Senor Monkey. Sorry....

The last few days have been kind of odd. Twice I was prepared to sit down and peck out an entry and something came up that prevented me from doing so.

Lets see, today is Sunday. Been doing the pool and monitoring football scores. I am having an exceptionally good fantasy day. In my big money league I am playing Jason Young for first place...and looking like I have a good shot at blowing him out. All of my other 4 teams are winning as well. No idea what we are doing later.

My communications with the outside world are driving me nuts. As of Friday, my next blog entry was going to be titled, "Why I love living in the USA." I'm not saying it still shouldn't be that. I have no idea what the hell the deal is with T-Mobile. I have a good buddy that I do some business with up in Canada. My phone is equipped with a plan that allows for International calling, yet I am completely unable to get my phone to dial him. Additionally, I have International texting set up on my phone. The first 4 days here I was getting phone calls, as well as text messages from the US. Granted, I tried to NEVER answer the phone at $2 a minute, but was more than willing to take (for free) and return (for .35 a pop) text messages. But for the last 6 days I have not gotten ONE single phone call OR text message, which has provided for some tense moments between me and Squirrel. The last thing you want is your husband, who happens to be a poker player...frolicking all over Aruba with NO way to get in touch with him. Its just not cool. So to T-Mobile, I would like to say..."thanks, MotherF(mailto:*&@#(* !!!"

Saturday was a fun day. Sort of. I slept in. Would have done some fun in the sun, only it was raining. So instead I got online and played on Pokerstars all day. And something very, very unusual happened. I kicked ass. I literally had my best day of online poker in over a year.

And I think I have the answer. I think they are confused by the weird IP address. See, when I am at home, they recognize it, and know that they are supposed to constantly fuck me over. But see here, hiding in some weird Carribean island outpost....no idea! Hence...the rampant run of good results!

Joe C. was there sweating me for most of it...and it was fun. Always love getting a whole different, fresh perspective on poker while in the throes of competition. Well, I would WIN a $11/18 SNG, WIN a $11/27 SNG, WIN a $16/18 PLO h/l SNG, then cash in 7...thats right SEVEN 20 table MTTS. Final tabled 3 $12/180's and 1 $22/180. Then cashed in 3 other MTT's. Now as it was mostly a micro-stakes day, my take for the day was only (only!???) $700 for the day. But I was pleased. And it felt good to win! I should have WON the final $12/180...but couldn't get AA to hold up against 7-8...guy flopped 7-7-8. Hmmmm. This was after he had raised, been called, and then 4x re-raised by me before shoving all in over the top! What? Yeah. Whatever. So I took 4th in that one. Then 4 handed in another had this chump min raise my BB...only to have me shove all but 10k of my stack back at him with AK. He calls...yeah JUST CALLS! With Q-5 offsuit. No shit. Flops 10-5-9.....and when I go all in he calls...and it held up. Such a joke. Realistically I could have easily banked 2k yesterday.

While that was going on I was monitoring college football all day from my laptop. My Huskies put together a huge last minute comeback to beat Arizona. Nice! I will take 3-3 after six games....after having played USC, LSU, Notre Dame, Arizona and Stanford. Tough schedule! And we should have beaten ND and probably LSU. Could have easily been 5-1. But hey...our program was a mess thanks to Ty Willingham...and we are coming out of it. Feels good! I even ordered some new Husky t-shirts before I left the States to come down here! LSU/Florida was a helluva game...as was Michigan/Iowa last night. Michigan is another team that could easily be unbeaten after a horrible year last year. Great game too between GT and FSU...has to be a tough loss for Bobby Bowden to stomach after a week of getting bashed by everyone down there in Tallahassee. Feel bad for the old guy...he's such a cool old dude.

Last night me, Joe and his buddy Steve who flew in Friday night just to spend the weekend here...went to the wrap up party at the Radisson that UB threw. It started quite annoyingly. Upon entrance I was stopped by security. "Do you have a bracelet?" A bracelet? No. Where was I supposed to get a bracelet? "Did you play the Main Event?" Uh. Yeah, I sure did. Table 26, seat 9, was moved to table 24, where my QQ was cracked by one of your local broads' AJ on the river....you need me to provide you with dealers and fellow players as witnesses?" Were these assholes serious? "What is your last name?" I told him. He looks on some sheet...and can't find it! You gotta be kidding me. After 3 or 4 players saw me and asked what the problem was...the idiots finally let me in.

The party itself was pretty much a complete re-do of the kickoff party they had last week. Same people. Same food. Same bar set up. Same UB players throwing other players in the pool. I guess if you got thrown in it was supposed to brand you as being 'one of them.' I guess if you DIDNT get thrown in the pool, you were a few things. (a) Not one of the cool kids (b) Not dripping wet for the rest of the night and (c) Not getting your cell phone ruined, your wallet soaked and not ruining anything else of recreational value to you!

I was busy hanging out with Allie Prescott and he basically employed me to protect him from getting tossed, as he got dumped in last week and lost his cell phone to this act of stupidity. Back on that night I did my own form of swimming, but I did it on MY terms. I simply walked down to the ocean, took off all my clothes, and went skinny dipping in the ocean. It was wonderful.

Allie and I would make our way over to the bar where we watched football, talked about life, then fought off a pack of rabid housewives...who had ventured to the island for one of their birthdays, and I suspect to cheat on their husbands. No takers in my group. At some point Phil Hellmuth and Annie Duke were gathered around us, as well as Jeff Madsen, who decided to lay down this impromptu rap for the married broads. It was....well....ahem, not meaning to sound crass, but I think Jeff should stick to poker.

The women recognized Annie from Trump's show that I can never remember the name of...oh! Apprentice, right? Yeah...well, so they wanted their pictures taken with her. They had no idea who Hellmuth was, and I think it offended him. Phil was actually being pretty cool last night, which kind of irritated me. I would have welcomed any kind of altercation with him. But it just wasn't happening. With 4 minutes left in the MICH/IOWA game, Allie wanted me to handicap the odds on Michigan winning the game...so after conferrring with Hellmuth, I laid the odds at 3.5 to 1. Michigan almost pulled it off. Nice INT there Forcier or whatever Michigan's QB's name is.

After that I led a large pack of people to this club across the street near the new Hard Rock Cafe called ....oh what the hell was it called? "Confessions" I think it was called.

Oh my God, I am sitting under this gazebo right? Just now a white speck lands on my hand. As I am trying to figure out what it is and where it came from a huge splat hits my keyboard. Fucking birdshit! From where? I can't see a bird, a nest...anything. Weird.

So yeah, we go to this club. $20 cover. Ugh. And jam packed. Double UGH. They have tables. Hmmm...must get one. Find a floor twerp. He agrees to stick us into one, I tip him $20. I go to the bar and arrange for bottle service. A bottle of Absolute, and mixers...y0u ready? $125! Yeah! I told Joe that and he started laughing. When you spend all summer in Vegas dishing out $450 a bottle then trying to collect from everyone...$125 is like almost free! Well, we were feeling pretty cozy...even as I watched a couple of freeloaders who had tagged along from the UB party start helping themselves to our booze. At some point I asked one of the guys, who was from England..."hey pal, this bottle is going pretty quick...you guys want to chip in about $20 each for another bottle?" Thats when I get the 'ol "Oh all my money is in my room." Yah, right bud...well, my bar is now closed to you and your friend. Nothing irritates me more than these pricks who (a) try to convince a person with a brain that they are OUT...at a CLUB...with NO money on them, and (b) who think they are going to take advantage of my generosity. Fucccccckkk you buddy! And I won't ever beat around the bush about it either. I will just tell them, straight up...."get the hell outa my booze, asshole!"

Well, 15 minutes after we got situated, the person who aparantly had reserved that table showed up. Chaos ensued. I tried to hold my ground. But to no avail. We had to surrender the booth. Shit. Found the kid who works at the place we have been staying, and placed our bottle on their table. But thats when I was treated to the 'Arubian Vulture Syndrome.' The locals down here appear to be pretty broke for the most part. So when they see a possible handout...they just swoooop! And that last half of the first bottle just got gobbled up. Whatever, I didn't want to be a douchebag...so I ordered another bottle. Two seconds after I dropped it, it vanished. WTF? Our little friend from the hotel had taken it on a Stanley Cup-like journey throughout the club...sharing it with all of his buddies. Upon the bottles return it was now half empty. And my patience was wearing thin. I decided to go out on the dance floor with some gaggle of girls who spoke NO english. Harmless. Well,this is when the Monkey almost got himself killed....

Thinking I was looking at the back of Joe's buddy Steve, I went and tipped my glass so that it spilled over the top of his head. When he turned to look at me, I discovered that it WAS NOT STEVE! Oh shit! I profusely apologized, but it didnt matter, he fired his beer at me but missed and hit one of the girls, who totally freaked out! I decided this would be an excellent time to get the fuck out of there. I went back to find our group. They were scattered all over the place. About this time I was getting bounced and jostled and was beginning to have an anxiety attack like I always get in these overpacked clubs. I finally couldnt stand it anymore and told Joe and Steve I was going over to another outdoor bar we had passed on the way in.

It is now dark and there is this freaky little bug racing all over my computer screen!

We joined up at this outdoor bar and managed to finagle us some food. It was just what the doctor ordered. We enjoyed our meal, then made our way back to our hotel.

Friday...what did I do Friday? Oh yeah...Friday pretty much sucked. I was going to spend the day sunning myself and then playing the final $530, which I found out only had 55 players. Allie had played the $2000 6-handed that day...and with it paying 7 players, went out 8th. Yeah, he was pretty happy about that. Well, it turned out to be a stupid day. I decided to bail on the 7pm tourney and instead go with a nameless 'buddy' and the guy who owns our resort to El Gaucho again for steak. Joining us were a bunch of people down for some big Remax convention or something. Among those people was this lady from NY. She was, in a word...well, maybe two or three words, an overly obnoxious (the word 'fuck' was like most people's 'hey' or 'anyway'), overly sloppy, and overly slutty...and hellbent on getting sexually assaulted. She made it pretty clear she wanted "nameless buddy" and I to make her our skank. Yeah...thats NOT happening. "Nameless buddy" knows me better than that. She was grossing me out all through dinner, and despite the meal being outstanding it really kind of killed my whole dining experience. Meanwhile the fellas in the group were all pretty cool. My favorite was this guy all the way at the end of the table who was monitoring the Yankees playoff game against Minnesota on his iphone....as in internet...as in, I hope he doesnt have a heart attack when he gets home and sees his phone bill for this trip. Its gonna be bad! He was like 75, but when A-Rod hit a 3 run bomb in the 9th, this guys face was priceless...holding his phone like a 7 year old kid in the 50's clutching a radio as Joe D went deep for a game winner...grinnning and shouting...it was pretty cute. I am not even a Yankee's fan, but I had to smile.

After dinner we went across the street to watch a friend of our host's sing. Well, "Captain Anonymous" was busy taking care of Sex-Zilla...and I was left in the corner...just sitting there, watching this lady butcher every American musical classic we have been raised to enjoy. At some point, I started playing Brick Breaker on my cell phone. Yeah...I was THAT bored. Finally, I'd had enough. All I wanted to do was go back to my hotel, wait for Squirrel to get home from work, and hopefully spend some time chatting with her online. So I bolted out of there. But not even my plan to chat with Squirrel worked out...as she went with her Father to the Beau after she got off work to play cash game. Dammit! I almost made an entry that night that would have been a little dark and depressing. Glad I slept that mood off!

And finally, I guess Thursday was my Waterloo as far as this trip is concerned. Yeah...we all went in to the Radisson to try and reclaim some final shred of respect and salvation to our bankroll. I rode in with Will the Thrill who was having a way worse trip than I was, which make this next tidbit almost forgiveable. Him and I enter a $240 SNG with a $40 last longer. After a couple monster bluffs early, and one actual showdown that I won (AJ vs. A7) I had a lot of chips and started fantasizing about actually satelliting my way into the upcoming $1k tourney. Well...fuck all that. We were 4-handed, and had pretty much decided to do a 3-way chop when we got 3-handed. Will moved all in on me at 200/400 for about 3800. I think I had 4200. I woke up with AK...and hating to bust Will after his shitty trip, I didn't really have a choice. I called. He opened up KJ. Do we ever feel THAT good there? You should. Right? But....naw! Jack on the flop...and it held. Shit. I was out a couple hands later. Feeling...well, irritated. Not at Will. Just at poker, in general.

So I had to buy in directly for $1090 or whatever the hell the juice was. Since its been 4 days now, I don't remember all the details of the tourney. There were 124 players though, kind of decent. It was paying 12. And 5 hours in things were getting interesting as we were down to 3 tables. But once again, I was getting very short on chips. Then I got KK. Ohhhhh! Can I get some action? Nope. Forget it. Raise, fold fold fold. Shit. We go on break. Come back. I get AA! Wow! For the first time since my plane landed LAST Friday, I look down at AA. Did someone raise behind me? Or God forbid, go all in? Could I get that lucky? Nope. Would anyone call my raise? Nope. Fold fold fold. FUCK! Then...again getting low...I find KK again. Do I get any action that time? Of course not. This was obviously not meant to be my day. We were down to 19 now.

Come on Poker gods. Please? Just let me cash this thing. Maybe even get deep. 1st place was $40k. This one kid at the table had managed to masterfully trap this guy with AA....flatting his raise...then when the first raiser hit his flop and moved all in for a ton...he felted him. He had a shit load of chips and was now opening a LOT of pots. Well, at 600/1200 and me sitting on 12k...he raises again, to 3600..and I look down at 99. This is it, gotta ship it. Which I do. And he calls me. With Ks4s. Yep. The 'ol King Four. Nice. And what does he flop? Just a flush. FLOPS A FLUSH! Great. And I was out! And bitter, sad and depressed. Later find out they got to 7 handed and did a $17,000 chop. *()!@*(!@ How nice would THAT have been? Finish the trip like that? Would have been very nice.

On a brighter note...Harold and Renea Mahafee..my little tattooed friends from South Carolina both made that final table, and BOTH took home $17,000...so in essence they pretty much won close to 1st place money. Good way for them to finish the trip. So yah! Someone I actually like winning some of my loot!

Well, things would...believe it or not, get worse. I decide to go play cash game. 2/5 game. Some guy just happened to be in the middle of tilting. Well, I became his victim. Losing twice to this guy. Then I lay down AQ to a guy who I think was pulling an isolation move to protect the Tilt-o-Saurus....as the flop comes Ace high....re-raise boy had AK...tilt-O-pottomus had 88. The river was a damn Q. That would have put me on about $1500. Shit ball. I then lose $400 on the very next hand...when tilt-boy with the one crazy eye claimed to be raising blind. Well, I would look down at JJ. Great. I raise. Everyone else folds. He calls. Flop comes 10 high. We get it in. He ends up turning over AA. Really? Dark huh? Unreal. I moved to a 1/2 table before I lose my mind. Play very well and turn 300 into 900. Then I get goat-fucked about 3 or 4 times to get down another 500. All told, I would end up tanking about 1400 on this night.

My final move was to snare $1000 out of my pocket and just declare war on the whole table. That $1000 would be $975 when I cashed out 6 hours later at 7am. All that happened during that time was me coming up with about 975 ways I wanted to kill this fat, sloppy latino bitch who plopped down at our table at about 2am. She really thought she was something else. Pretty much everything that came out of her mouth was nauseating. She had the stupidest outfit on. Like one of those satin-like material dresses, with way too many colors on it...but it wasnt a dress, they were like...I don't know, like shorts or something...in one piece. It was like someone thought it would be cute to dress up a Rhino in a colorful Nicole Miller outfit. But it was funny, she REALLY, TRULY thought she was sexy. Nothing worked against her. My iPod failed. Staring at her with complete disdain didn't work. Nothing. She was one of these beasts who thought she had the whole world figured out, and me figured out too, of course. "You know what your problem is Monkey Man?" Oh boy...can't wait for you to tell me.

I hated this girl. I hated this table. I hated this night. Anyone that sat down that I actually liked, would only stay briefly before leaving. Yah...that Thursday was one I would like to erase from human history.

Its my last night here in Aruba. We are about to go to dinner. I see my Seahawks blasted J'ville 41-0. Man, just HOW valuable is Matt Hasselbeck to the Hawks? So it was a perfect weekend in Seattle for football at least. It wasnt the greatest trip, thats for sure. But I had a lot of fun with a lot of my buddies, and honestly, I played well. I just got very unlucky at all the wrong times. I did manage to at least make one Final Table, and that was nice. And tearing up Stars on Saturday was pretty cool. And I am taking home with me a nice suntan! Thats always nice. I really, really miss my wife and my dogs. Can't wait to get home and see them. It was also nice to hang out and party with all the dealers, floor people and fellow players last night. I met a lot of really nice people down here. Even though I didn't 'break the bank' it was still a really nice trip that I have no regrets about. Now its time to go home, rest up, spend some quality time with my loved ones, make some trips to the gym...and then get fired up for the I.P. event which I am getting pretty excited about. I really anticipate them doing a great job for this thing. Its going to be very affordable buy ins, and a fantastic structure...so I just hope the players turn out for it.

Hope you all have a great rest of your weekend. I'll be flying all day tomorrow.

MONKEY