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Friday, September 14, 2012

Bitchin and Whinin!

I'm not sure about that title? I might even change it before this post is finished. We'll see. I've jumped on the Baltimore Orioles' bandwagon. I find what they are doing to be astonishing. I'd do the same for Oakland...but as a Mariners fan, and lifelong hater of all things Oakland...can't do it. What the *%&$ happened to the Pittsburgh Pirates? Last year...they were 'the surprise team of baseball' till the All Star break..then fizzled. This year...they did the same...and made it about a month deeper...then fizzled. So I expect them to finally do it NEXT season, I guess.

Meanwhile...this hard-working, flying-under-the-radar team of scrappers called the Spite Monkeys...have miraculously clawed their way into the Fantasy Baseball playoffs...and upset the #1 seed in the first round of the playoffs...and now, in the semifinals, lead the 'Sharp Ones' by a score of 14 categories to 2. Can the Spite Monkeys make it all the way to the championship game? The league title is worth $1200. Go Monkey's Go!!!!


Our trip home from Seattle was a nightmare. But not because of Carley. As a matter of fact, she saved me and Squirrel from really losing our minds. On the way out...Carley was nearly perfect...with only a couple of minor freak-outs. The two kids in the seats next to us and one row back were both throwing up and filling the cabin with a delightful aroma. On our first leg...from Biloxi to Houston...which is what? A one-hour flight maybe? We had this male flight attendant...and I know they are usually assumed to be gay when they are male flight attendants...but I'm not sure about this fella. He was such a miserable motherf&$)#& that I question whether either sex would have this douchebag.


Most airlines are pretty okay with letting passengers move around the plane when there are numerous empty seats. There are seats that guys like me to sit in...and they are on the exit row. They are a bit more spacious. Well...there a few airlines (Continental is one and I had a little 'experience' with them over this issue last year) who take the penny-squeezing opportunity to gouge people for those particular seats. So with our plane 75% empty, and an exit row seat open just one row behind us...I slipped back into that seat, so Cheryl and Carley could have an open seat for Carley to lay on, and I'd be right next to her in the aisle.


Along comes 'the asshole from flight attendant hell!' The only thing better would have been if I had videoed him on my phone...and posted it here and all over freaking YouTube.  I swear, these flight attendant episodes are getting more and more rampant lately. You finally see it all the time now...and I credit the phone technology for that. I'm pretty positive this has been going on for years...we just haven't had the proof to show the world. There are a lot of nice flight attendants who really do a good job. But that number is dwindling. I rarely take a flight nowadays where I don't have at least one miserable fuck manning the aisles.


So shitbird shows up and tells me I can't sit in this seat because I didn't pay the extra surcharge for it. Well, see actually...I HAD! I purchased it when I booked the seats a month ago. Problem is...when we checked in, and they saw our baby...they wouldn't permit me to have the seat. Babies arent allowed to sit in the exit row...I had forgotten about that. He didn't care. I ask him, what's the big deal? It's a one-hour flight. The plane is nearly empty. It's my child's first flight. How about letting her lay down...and probably sleeping? Instead of having to sit up, and maybe crying and bothering all the other passengers. Nope. You would have thought this jerkoff owned the plane. He tells me, "these ladies across the row purchased these seats, its not fair to them." 


That's when the ladies chimed in by telling him they had no problem with me sitting there. Oh...well, that didn't matter! So that attempted drivel fell short. These two women were the two he was spinning a tale to before we took off...when they were protesting that they couldn't bring their very small carry-ons onto the plane...having flown a lot, and knowing they would fit in the overhead space just fine. This yo-yo goes into this whole spiel about 'ever since 9/11' blah blah blah. He literally was changing his story mid-story...at one point trying to sell them on the myth that certain airplanes carried certain restrictions and that it, too had to do with 9/11. Bottom line...this guy was a major prick. It's like...instead of being accommodating, and pleasing the passenger any chance he could...he instead was looking for reasons to piss them off.


At some point...the whole 'because of 9/11' reasoning will have to wear off...won't it? I mean...can this really go on and on and on forever? It's so annoying. And when people use it to try to trick and fool you? It's just offensive.


So I wouldn't leave the seat. He told me that as he was pushing the beverage cart...which, ironically...as the guy who was 'just doing my job' in forcing me to move out of the exit row seat....he never did offer me a beverage. Which I was only to eager to point out to him when...after concluding his beverage service...returned to reiterate that I had to move out of that seat...and if I didn't, he was going to have the Houston P.D. meet me on the ground when we landed. Huh? What? Did this fuckturd seriously just threaten me with the police? I spent over $1000 on this flight...and it's a huge fucking deal for me to actually sit in a COMFORTABLE seat...on a plane that is 75% empty? I really wanted to kick out a window and let the suction pull this human feces out of the plane.


So, whatever....I moved. To another empty seat...three rows up, and still near Carley and Squirrel...so I could be near them. Oh...it was cramped...but fuck it. I wasn't letting this troll ruin our trip with a tour of the Houston pokey. But the weasel didn't stop. When we were on our descent...there was this incredibly annoying squeak coming from the planes fuselage...and if you guys know me, and how OCD I am...you can imagine how irritating it was. So to muffle it, I put on my headphones. They weren't plugged into anything...as we had gotten the message to discontinue the use of all electronic devices, etc etc. In fact, I didn't even have the power switch turned on...you know? The one that activates the 'noise cancelling'...following the directions of the airline to the 't.' 


Oh! But wait here he comes again! How did I know he would pounce on this. 


"YOU HAVE TO REMOVE YOUR HEADPHONES SIR!!!"


I held up the plug...which was plugged into nothing.


"IT DOESN'T MATTER! YOU HAVE TO REMOVE THEM FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!!!"


Huh? My safety? Can someone explain how my headphones are endangering my life? I asked him if he had a Xanax I could take so that their piece of crap, rattling airplane would stop annoying me. He didn't. Useless loser. I took off my dangerous headphones. And let the squeaking bulkhead drive me crazy all the way to the ground. It dawned on me, the irony of some of the airlines' ridiculous 'safety' rules. 'Please return your drink trays to their tray holder and move your seat into the upright position....for the safety of the passengers.' Huh? Safety? Okay....so explain something to me. I can take my baby on the plane...and hold her on my LAP!?? How safe is that? Turbulence? She slips out of our arms...where is SHE going? And in the event of a plane crash? Do they really, really think...that there is ANY safe way to be sitting in your seat that is going to save your life?


Look...you are basically sitting on a missile...that when slamming into the ground...is usually going to smash the bodies of everyone inside of it. I don't think my seat moving another 15 degrees to an upright position is going to really have an affect on how much impact my body takes when we pummel the Earth. How bout just letting us sit comfortably for that 35,000 foot nosedive into our date with death? Please, and thank you...and please...whatever you do God...do not let that asshole flight attendant be the lone surviving passenger!


It's now 4:30. I'm going to go play the PLO event here in Bossier City. I skipped the noon $580 (yeah...I said $580...nice how this juice just keeps getting bigger and bigger) because I'm pretty sure it was a turbo, since it was branded a one-day event. Plus I like Omaha, have had some success playing it, and its a ring event. And I needed to get caught up on my sleep (drove up all night on Wednesday, got in late...and didn't sleep a whole lot) and the paper work associated with my poker shares...of which I sold ALL 25 shares offered...and then one extra one to a friend I've know for years who works for the WSOP.


On that subject, I got a very asshole-ish email from a guy who has demonstrated his ability to be a poker jerk in the past, over my shares program. He is one of the most condescending people I've known in poker. Thinks all the 'ground rules' regarding staking are set in stone somewhere...and God forbid that someone is able to sell a package that is much more attractive than what he deems 'the standard markup cost.' So he has the audacity to label me, in so many words...a scam artist.  I removed him from my Facebook the last time he offended me with his remarks. Now I have removed him (per his request) from my email disto list. Now if I can just get my wife to boot him from her Facebook...it will be a clean sweep of him from our lives. Not only that...the guy is an LSU fan. Ugh. Peace out...hater.


So yeah, drove up here all night Wednesday. No tickets...that was nice. Staying at Motel 8...which isn't too bad. Have a big bed, a microwave and fridge. Kai was supposed to come with me and room with me...but bailed at 3pm on Wednesday. So yeah...suck it Kai...ya douchebag. Resulted in my costs on fuel, hotel, and other unpublishable extras...to double.


Day One saw me play the 293-player Event 1...a $365 buy in. I started very well. My 10k quickly became 13k. Then Dave 'Never Announces Raise' Templeton to push into my table...offered me a warm greeting, to which I pleasantly replied...then set off on destroying my stack. In just two orbits from hell...his masterful ability to demolish my stack had been achieved. And as I was losing another hand to drop me to 2250, they broke our table. Ahhhh perfect. New table, new chances to bitch and whine about OMRG's and their fishing or hunting related hats. Why do I think I can come to these swampy communities with their hunters and fishers and think I can ever outlast them? I'm so silly and stubborn in thinking I can have my way with these old cusses.


I get double up by an old buzzard who made this fancy play and missed. I called a pretty aggressive player's preflop raise with A9h. Old guy called with J10 off. Whatever. The flop comes 9-7-7. Initial raiser leads out 800. (blinds were 100-200 with 25 ante) I decide to move all in for my last 1750. Buzzard calls. First guy folds. I fully expect him to turn over A7 and be leaving. Nope. J10. Got shot. On a paired board. Wow. Really? He missed...the Jack, or the 10 or the 8...which really gave him a LOT more outs than I would have liked him to have to get rewarded for his stupidity. So I was back in it. Won a couple more pots and was  back to 13k and dreaming about final tabling the first event up here.


Craaaaashhhhh! Forget it. The spiral of doom would follow soon after. Old buzzard busted and was replaced by a virtual clone. Making the same incredibly retarded plays. On one...and this one was comical, he limps in for 200. Three other people limp in. I'm in the BB and make it 800 with 77. He is fumbling for his chips...and about to call, when the next player announces '2200.' I can't imagine that he didn't HEAR the guy...but well, he asked the dealer again how much it was to call. "800 sir."  (and uh...in case you didn't notice, its about to go up a bit more!) So he places his 800 chips out there. And...ta da! It gets re-raised to 2200. Surprise surprise. It folds to me, I let my 77's go. And now its back to genius. What? It was raised? To how much? Oh...no, no...I can't call 2200. He folds. Incredible. This little story? Was just a microcosm of some of the shit I saw on just the FIRST day! Imagine how mentally tortured I'm going to be after 12 days of this shit? And you say you wanna be a pro poker player and do this for a living? Seriously...and I can't stress this to you enough...find the pharmaceutical rep in your neighborhood...you're going to need him/her!


Okay...so I'm now down to 1850. There is a small raise behind me. The blinds are now 150/300. I move all in with pocket 8's. New stupid old guy...completely NOT taking into account the initial raiser whatsoever...calls my all in...and after calling my 1850, leaves only 2200 behind. Nice play sir. The only reason us 'normal' players could see a guy doing that is if he is sitting on aces and wants that first raiser to come along for the ride. Hahaha....forget that. The first raiser folds. And he turns over....wait for it......


QUEEN EIGHT OF SPADES!


Whoa whoa whoa...wait wait wait! Stop laughing. This guy....obviously, is psychic! Because the dealer spins this magical flop..... As-10s-9s. Good game, Monkey. See y'all.  Oh...but I get the wonderful "it was really nice playing with you Monkey" from Mr. Q-8. Ugh...yeahhhhhh.....ugh, thanks.


See, my little appearance on ESPN this week has made me something of a celebrity up here. Not exactly the level of celebrity I was seeking in this poker life. I would prefer to be the guy featured because he was winning hands, piling up chips and mowing down the competition...not the guy who got his KK snapped by a waitress from Norway making her first lifetime tourney cash. But on Day One...I must have heard close to 50 people relive that hand for me. At least having it be a bad beat...I was getting a lot of sympathy from people. As opposed to making some unbelievably bad play to get knocked out...which would surely have made me the butt of a lot of jokes behind my back, and maybe even to my face. So yeah...I guess this way is better.


But what is it  about these poker subculture mongrels who get such a special little thrill about beating a player in a hand who has ....hold on....BEEN ON TV!!!!!???? These are the guys who get their buddies together on WSOP ESPN night, I guess...with their beer, and their grills...and watch, analyze and root for their favorite players every Tuesday night. And oh holy shit...should they get the chance to be at the same table as 'one of them' they are going to show him! And make his buddies proud when he tells them how he took 'that guy' down with his brilliant and crafty play!


Okay...gotta wrap this up. Didn't even get into the FLIGHT HOME story. Maybe later. I lost the 5pm tourney also yesterday. During level 6...a monster storm ripped through the area. The rain was incredible. You couldn't leave the tent that sits atop the boat/casino. It was beginning to get flooded. The thunder was violently loud. I will admit, I was somewhat uneasy. But that weather system passed finally. Oh...but there was another one approaching. And...well, despite letting us all stay up there for the first one, someone must have started talking about lawsuits up in corporate somewhere...because now they decided to evacuate 'The Tent' before the next system showed up. So everything went in to a two hour delay.


Went downstairs and played cash game. Um...ever play cash game in Bossier City? Prepare yourself. The 1/3 game might as well have been a 5/10 game. Don't even THINK about limping in for $3 if you aren't prepared to call $25. This old guy on my left was about to have a coronary...losing to the same guy over and over, who was calling $35 raises with 2-6 (old guy had QQ) and $25 with 4-8 (old guy with KK) and outflopping him and subsequently busting him (old guy rebought three times in an hour of my sitting there) both times...and then just sitting there chuckling. I felt like I was in an alternate poker universe. Somehow I escaped that table with a $170 profit.


Some where along the way I ran into Bob Talbot...who was kind enough to buy one of my shares...having expressed dismay at missing out on the first shares program this summer. He also brought me a massive bag of beef jerky...which was delicious...and which vanished by the end of Day One! Thanks Bobby!!!


After the rain delay...everything went to shit. What was once a $22k stack (started with 5k) went south as my JJ twice went up against AQ only to lose on the river both times...once to an ace and the other time to a Q. I couldn't recover from those...and ended up out in Level 8. With 26 players left. Then went and lost the 7pm tourney. Oh my God...was that ever a freak show.


The night ended on a positive note however, as I won a $65 SNG...I know I know...tried to play a $125....they just couldn't get one to sell. Whatever...I won. The guy wanted to chop when we got heads up...and had pretty equal stacks...but I was more interested in getting back to (close anyway) even on the day...plus I felt like I was going to crush the guy heads up. So I refused. And crushed him heads up.


Went to Waffle House...had a great meal...then came to my room and crashed. Then woke up...and...well, you get it. This rat is back on the wheel...and it now, its time to end this blog...and get that wheel-a-spinning!!!!


MONKEY



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