ANOTHER 'CASH' IN TUNICA....served with a dose of INSANITY!

My friends, it is very possible that Poker is going to land me in the funny farm.

In the two days that have gone by since my last post, there have been enough 'episodes' to qualify me for some serious mental evaluation.

I have some exciting news. There will be a new feature coming soon to the Monkey Blog. I have been hard at work at developing the content the last two days. Trust me, it hasnt been very difficult. Coming soon will be a new feature called "MONKEY'S BARN" and in this will be several stables, as all barns have. In our first segment I will feature Monkey's Barn-Tunica Stable. That stable is about full. Snap shots of said Donkey, and all of his/her qualifications that have earned them a place in Monkey's Barn. It should be very interesting, but more importantly, it should provide you, my valued reader, with INCREDIBLY important information about these jokers that should aid and/or assist you in your attempts to dodge these morons! Watch for it in the next couple days.

I simply don't have time to do it right now, as it is 11:17am, and I only have about 15 minutes to fire off an update before having to play at noon. I fell asleep around 1 a.m. last night...yeah, 8+ hours of sleep, unheard of for me!

Wednesday was one of those days where you wish you had stayed in bed. I mean, it was the WORST. I was going to write about it, then I thought "You know, sometimes...when I have one of those days, it is often times followed up by one of those amazing days, where everything goes right, and I make the final table and/or WIN" So I held off, in hopes that this would be the case. I try hard NOT to come off TOO negative in these reports. Sometimes, though...ya just can't help it!

Wednesday? Noon tourney. One of those days where NOTHING went right. I make a flush on the turn. The other guy rivers a boat. I flop a set, opponent turns a straight. Put a guy on AK...I have 55...flop comes 3-4-6 all hearts. I have a straight draw AND straight flush draw...and think he has AK when he has KK. Still.....im almost a favorite to win there. I go blank-blank and am out of that one. I play the 4pm Mega Satellite. Havent played a SINGLE hand when at 25/50 I raise 250 with QQ behind two limpers. They both call (of course) and the flop comes 567. Never easy. The first guy checks. I bet 750. Next guy goes all in. First checker goes all in. MERCY. I fold face up. First guy has 777, okay I can accept that one. The next guy? THREE FOUR offsuit! Yeah. Called 250 with THAT. And flops the bottom straight. Took his snapshot! My out hand? Another fool who has been raising in late position EVERY time there are limpers...and with every range of hands...does it again. I have KQ suited and am NOT folding to this clown, especially since 2-3 boy has called.

You might like this flop. J-10-9, rainbow. MMMmmmmmhhhmmmmmm. Dillaird bets out 500. 2-3 Dodo makes it 2000. I move all in for 2400. Other guy BEATS me in there with an all in. I think the other guy has already called, thinknig that he is pot committed, and I utter (before I turn over my cards) "Well, I have the nuts...not sure how I'm losing THIS one" and the 2-3 donkey freezes...and finally decides to fold, for another 400! He tries to accuse me of unethical play. Huh? Exactly what he was driving at, I have no idea. Yeah...its pretty unethical when you screw up and let a guy SAVE his money. A guy I wanted nothing more than to get ALL his chips! Well, our buddy down there has AQ. Heather is dealing. She does the right thing...for him. She gives him the ONLY card in the deck that can beat me...a K (2 outer) for the miracle gut shot on the river. Awesome. I am out. But the best part was me getting to hear this guy brow beat me and tell me how bad I played. ???????????? It took all I could muster not to start repeatedly punching this guy. I have his picture.

I play two SNGs and finish 4th and 3rd. Sweet. No money. Decide to play the 7pm Second Chance. Start decent. Then get moved to another table, one that has the crazy John Deere hat-wearing, call ANYTHING with ANYTHING guy who WON the tourney the day before. Great! After I lose two pots in ways you can only imagine losing ONLINE...I go crazy. I turn it into a shove fest. I manage to use that NUTSO style to chip back up to over 7K...and then get moved to another table. I go back to playing normal. Then I start looking like I just might win this thing. We get down to two tables. Then IT HAPPENS! Dude who has raised my BB...I think...EVERY time he has had the chance...MIN RAISES me (600 to 1200). I look at 10h-7h and of course, make the call.

Flop comes 10-7-2. YAHTZEE! I thought! I check. He bets 2000. I make it 6000. He looks at me...kind of bizaare, then goes all in. I put him on an over pair...and move all in. He insta-calls and turns over 222. OMG! Wowwwww......I am out!

I retreat to my room, DONE with poker for the day. And about to break furniture. It is now 11:35 a.m.

Yesterday. $340 at noon. Get there 20 minutes late. Try to sit down and have (yet again) a very large guy on my left, who does NOT want to give up an inch. I ask several times for him to move over, and when I do, I get him to move about two inches. (!*&@##&*@!(# I am already having an anxiety attack. I would get an early courtesy double up. 50/100.....4 limpers, and Johnny Aggressive would make it 600 on the button. (his favorite move) The guy next to me (SB) calls! Calls? What is he flatting 600 with? No idea. But I look down at the recently lucky 10-10 and I too call. No other callers. Flop comes J-10-6. Sweet. Guy on my right checks. I of course check also. Button moron checks. Okay, he was CLEARLY making a button steal. Turn is a blank. SB bets out 1000. Button Boy folds. I raise to 2000. He calls. River is a 4. He bets 1500. I raise to 3000. He goes all in, I call. He has KK. Well played sir! If he had re-raised preflop I would have been gone. Thanks!

I sit on that 9k for awhile. Then I pick up 77. I limp. so do 6 others, including the guy next to me with the Rhino leg that continues to impede my free space! The flop comes 7-9-10. Two spades. Kind of a scary flop. So I decide to bet out at it, 900. Rhino Leg calls. Everyone else folds. Turn is....ding ding ding....a ten. This time I check. He bets big. I smooth call. River makes a flush. I move all in like I am 'bluff-stealing' and he calls, holding A10. See ya! And now I have leg room, along with 18K. A while later I get moved to another table.

I sit there for quite awhile, getting no cards. All I remember from that table is that a screw fell out of the bottom of the table and we almost had the damn thing collapse, which would have scattered everyone's chips, which would have resulted in God knows what. I honestly wonder what they would have done. I get away from that table, on the heals of raising with A10, having a guy shove all in, and being priced in to calling with me getting 3 to 1. He had JJ. I flopped an ace and it held for a nice 8K pot.

Get to a new table, and the only ones I recognize are Dena (again) and Mitch...a cool older guy most of you know (wears a cool fedora) who I play against a lot. My first big test comes when a guy who at the time has a lot of chips and has been raising a lot, raises my SB and I look down at AK. Hate this spot. One thing I will NOT allow myself to do is OVERPLAY AK against an opponent who has me covered. Its (in my opinion) a horrible play, one that you see over and over in poker. So I smooth call. Well, Mitch makes what he was hoping would be THE MOVE. And I have seen him do it before, which is what contributed to my doing what I did. He moves all in for 9K and some change. I had already called a 1500 raise. I am getting about 2 to 1 to make this call. But I also will be losing about 60% of my chips if I lose. Only thing is...as I think it out, is that I think I am way ahead. No way he is shoving with anything better than JJ. I finally make the call and Mitch groans...."Ahhhh Monkey, can't you just let me have this one....good call" and he turns over 89s. Ugh, scary. Feel better when a K hits the board. I win, and for the first time have got a LOT of chips.

A bit later, with 35K...I pick up AK and raise to 2400. The guy behind me goes into his whole "I have a big hand" routine...and to make a long story short he ends up shoving all in. Son of bitch! Its 18K to call. Not really wanting to lose half my stack here. I am kind of putting him on JJ/QQ and say as much. He tells me he has better. Doesnt make sense. If he had KK he would have insta shoved. Doenst make sense at all. I finally fold, very reluctantly. He shows me A JACK. ONE. >>>???? No one shows ONE jack if they only have ONE jack...they show them both. Then later on he told Dena he didnt have JJ. Ya no kidding. I completely read this whole thing wrong. I should have called his ass right there...with his AJ/KJ. I had him totally dominated, and would probably have chipped up to over 50K there! DAMMIT!

Dinner break we have 21 left, paying 18. I go take a hot bath. Come back feeling very fresh. I pick up 99 behind a limper. He is an older guy who I know will call any raise I put out there so I reluctantly just call. I get two more calls and the SB completes. An older lady (very nice) who got deep in a tourney at the Harrahs event last month. The lady who reminds me of my tenant in Pensacola, who by the way is moving out next month! I need a new tenant over there! The flop comes A high....ALL spades...but with a NINE. Tricky, very tricky. I decide to check it. I want to try and catch a free card to fill up. Or just NOT see another spade. Its tough to FLOP a flush. Old guy on the button leads out for 5K. The lady goes all in for about 3200. I have a decision. Call, and hope to fill up and get more from this guy who obviously had a weak ace and MAYBE a spade to go with it? Or raise big and get his drawing ass out of there? I do NOT want to go out two from the money. I raise it 15K more. He folds. The lady has K4s. Oh shit. Well, okay...I ask the dealer to pair the board, and she obeys. I win. Nice. More chips. Looking good.

Then...one from the money, it folds around to me in the SB and I look down at AA. Wow, first time all day (never did see KK or QQ or JJ yesterday). I make a good raise (no way I'm getting cute and bubbling) and the BB folds. I show AA. Not much long after that...we lose our 19th player...who bubbles with....ACES! Ouch.

Its Red Snapper time! Start drinking. Start dragging pots. UTG moves all in for 9k. I have 2400 up in the BB. I look at QJc. This guy has been card dead for 7 orbits, so he could have anthing. I make a semi loose call. He has 55. I ask for a Q in the window. I get a Q in the window. Looking good. Raise and win a couple more hands. Now have over 45K. Sweet! We are now down to 12. Looking VERY likely that I will FINALLY be making a Final Table up here.

THEN IT HAPPENS. Aggggggain. George is dealing. You know George. He of the Day 3 punch out in the WSOP Main Event this past year, when I flopped a Q for a set vs. Victor Ramdin's AA...only to see Victor turn an Ace after putting me all on the flop. George is a good guy, very nice. Him and his wife Heather sell candles and other stuff on the side. He sent me and Squirrel a nice package of them awhile back. He felt terrible about the WSOP. I told him it was all good, and it was. Just bad luck. Now though, i dont know, starting to wonder. They got me this cute little glass monkey, that I decided to use on that last trip to Harrahs Tunica. Every time I had it on the table I was taking a bad beat. Then, it was in my car (in the console) last week when Cheryl backed my car out of the driveway and into a neighbor's car! I'm starting to think that thing is cursing me. Remember that tribal pawn that showed up on Gilligan's Island that was making all that bad shit happen? Its kind of like that I think.

I decide to quit folding small suited ace hands in late position, now that I have a decent stack, and really want to start putting pressure on the smaller stacks and get this thing to a final table. Plus I am downing Snapper shots and have the whole table starting to get scared. I pick up A5d and raise. The BB, the ONLY good player at the table (besides me, duh) calls. Grrrrr....okay, I can easily get away from this hand if I have to. BUT NO! The flop comes A-9-A! He checks. I INSTA-CHECK! COME ON FIVE! COME ON ACE! Turn is the 10 of d....now I have TRIP ACES with a NUT FLUSH DRAW! He bets out. I raise. He moves all in. I can't even IMAGINE how I am losing this one...and I call. My opponent turns over 99. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He flopped a BOAT! So forget about the flush draw. I need a 10, a 5 or an A on the river to avoid going out 12th. It doesn't come. OMG. I am sick. Literally want to throw up. I am out. I feel like I got kicked in the stomach.

As I get up, I hear "one seat open" on a $125 SNG and decide to take it. Big mistake. As were the two SNGs that came after that one. I was in NO FRAME of mind to be playing those. Even though I was running them over before getting coolered in 2 of the 3 of them too. The night ended horrifically. A kid (about 27 if I had to guess) who I have NEVER seen before, and who decides he thinks its a good idea to start patronizing me, and clowning me.....and did I mention, has a hairdo from the 80's (remember the part down the middle?) and more gums than teeth, one of the scariest things about a mouth...when they have the 'gum smile.' I flop a nut flush and announce that I am going to check raise. I check. Other guy bets. I raise all in. He calls. He has an open ended straight draw and a possible straight flush draw...which he hits of course. (*!@#(&!@*&(

This is where the kid elects to say something smart. To which I look at him, and with TK Miles standing behind me (he just got to town) I look at the kid and say "the best thing right now would be for you to not make the mistake of letting another word fall out of your ugly mouth" and before he could say another word someone told him he better listen to me, that I wasnt kidding. Like a smart little boy he DID actually STFU!

I decided this would be a sensational time for me to get the hell out of the poker room and retreat to my room. Before I DID do something I would regret. The last two hours I wanted to put in a large dumpster and forget about. It is now 12:12pm. Tourney started already. I must now go play and try to win this damn thing. Three cashes on this trip now. No noon tourney final tables. An unimpressive record in SNG's. With yesterday's $750 cash, I am still hovering at about even for the trip. I really need a big score in the next few days. Oh well, at least I am playing well. Simply can't do a damn thing about bad luck. And I am trying very hard not to kill myself! Or go crazy. But I think the latter may have already occurred!

MONKEY

Stacking Chips in Tunica

Wednesday 7:30am.

Laying in bed in my kick-ass Penthouse Suite...not sure why I am awake. Went to sleep at about 1am, looking forward to another full night of sleep, in my attempts to eradicate the dark circles from under my eyes, and I wake up for some damn reason at 7am, and can't fall back to sleep.

[quick note. I have discovered how to post my own content. And in doing so, you enter it into this Blog editor, which does NOT have spell check, which I have become very dependant on...so when you spot grammatical errors in this, I would ask you to be nice and non-critical, when it comes to dropping apostrophes, that is just me being lazy! I know that aren't is aren't. And the occasional THEIR instead of They're will occur!]

My first conscious thought of the day is this one. When did people become SO lazy that now they can't even phonetically sound out the name of something? All of sudden, everything has to be abbreviated? It started innocently enough. Imperial Palace? Too long, I guess. We will call it I.P. Treasure Island in Las Vegas? Too wordy. Make that T.I.! But then it got even more ridiculous. Headline News? That one has been around for quite awhile, yeah? Takes too much time though...so from now on we will brand it HLN! But this one has to be the best, as I am watching Good Morning America with half the crew reporting live from the Amazon, in what is actually kind of a cool report, until the cheeseball studio host and Robin Roberts (didn't she used to do sports?) start bantering back and forth with their "Me Tarzan, you Jane" drivel while the other lady is somewhere in the snow making snow angels and laughing like she is drunk. Huh? Well, that show? We are now calling it GMA! Yeah..GEE FREAKING EM AYYY! That's it! From now on, I will be known as TPM. THE POKER MONKEY is no more! T P M!

Brandon has turned our condo/penthouse/hotel room into a community meeting place. I am afraid to see our final bill. Room service bill is getting out of control. Brandon met me in the lobby, me going from our room back to the tourney following my dinner break, him going in the other direction mumbling something to the effect of "I may never cash another tourney again." Oh boy.

Today's news is very extreme. The stock market rebounded huge yesterday, going up some 379 points. That's encouraging. Meanwhile, some dude shoots and kills most of his family and several other random people before blowing himself away. The worst part was killing his Mom, and ALL HER DOGS! Before burning down her house. Poor dogs. What could THEY have done? Then some guy over in Germany does the same thing! Final tally? 15 bite the dust. He gets popped by cops. So my question is this? These two clowns should both arrive in Hell about the same time...how does Hell work I wonder? The more heinous their acts, do they get better or worse treatment from Senor Devil? Does one have to wait behind the other? Do the people you killed (and the dogs) get to torment them somewhere in a virtual 'holding cell' before they go to heaven? That would seem fair to me.

Anyone want to hear about poker? Lets see where I left off. Guess we left off with Saturday nights final table/chop in the 2nd chance. Then Sundays mid-tourney departure at the hands of Amanda. Monday was the $340 Deepstacks tourney, which had 238 players. 18 made the money. I had a nice little run going. I never got a LOT of chips. Hovered below the average. Made the dinner break. In fact, on the final hand before dinner I get AA with the blinds 1200/2400 UTG. Hmmm...I only had 9600 going into the hand and REALLY needed a double up. Wasn't going to limp. But also didn't want to raise big. So I make it 5000. No one bites, but the BB completes for another 2600. Flop comes J-3-8. He checks, I bet 5000. He leaves. Ugh. Oh well.

Come back from dinner with 41 players left. Then I go on my run. Getting low, I jam it in with A9...and again, run into AK. Dammit! But this time I flop a 9 and it holds. Sweet. A little bit later, its AJ UTG....blinds are huge...1500/3000 and I have 21k...raise to 9K? and leave 11K? Limp? Fold? Screw it...ALL IN! OH NO! I run into AK again. No way I can bust that hand again, can I? Why not! Jack on the flop and it holds...and now I have 32K! Starting to feel destined now to final table this thing. At LEAST cash!

Then I pull the bonehead move. Folded around in the SB I look down at A7. I have the BB covered by 12k. I move in. "I'll go ahead and call" says the BB. HUH!!!!!???? He turns over AQ. OH HELL! It holds, and now I am back to being short on chips. Dammit!

Forgot to mention...along the way, Amanda showed up. When she arrived (because I documented her presence and all my hands while she was there!) I had 23,000 chips. I got down to 18,000 before winning a big pot for 17K (that I had to totally bluff, ME A10, other guy AQ, flop K-Q-8....HEY! I had a gutshot!). When she left I had around 40K. She was off the hook!

We are now down to 30. I am down to 8000 chips and needing help, and quick. Help arrives with the always exciting AK in my hand at cutoff. I move in and announce that I would LIKE a call! Which, honestly, I would! I get the call from the BB, who is holding JJ. The flop comes K-K-J. OMG! Yeah. No more Kings fall and no Ace either, and I was OUT! 30th. DAMN!

I go play a few sit n go's. I finish third twice and win one for $450, to pretty much break even in that department.If anyone remembers my blowup in September at Horseshoe with that jackass "Speedy" Gonzalez (I have no idea what his real name is, nor do I care) I have a funny story about his stupid ass. He has been pretty much annoying EVERYONE up here this week. Very loud. His new thing is standing up and repeatedly shouting "VOODOOO, I put VOODOOO on you" at his table, which I think really kind of freaks everyone out, especially those old guys who can barely handle ME and my antics. At least I'm not threatening tribal hauntings on people.

Well, he somehow made the final table the other day. They are down to three, maybe four...possibly two, I don't know. What I do know (and everyone else in the room) was that numbnuts was two cards away from either winning the thing or at least taking over a gigantic chiplead....I guess he had AK, the other guy JJ...he flops AAQ. He stands up and starts SHOUTING...."I WIN, I WIN...you lose...hahahahha two more cards....what? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!" as the other guy rivers a JACK! The whole room exploded in laughter! If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, you celebrate before the river, you are going down! Ya know when I celebrate? After the 6th card has come out!

So...Speedy did NOT win, and thankfully we don't have to look at his goofy ass picture on the bulletin board that lists all the event winners.

Is this entry getting too long again?

I forgot this snippet from the other day. While moving from our old room to this little mini-palace, we were with the bellman, right? And that big cart with all our stuff on it. We are waiting for the elevator. It arrives, and as we are getting in, a couple arrives at the same time and starts trying to shove in ahead of us...um, well, okay. So they are in the back of the elevator, and need to get off on floor 17. We are going to 31. Picture the luggage cart in the middle of the car. This couple, one in each back corner, me in front of the lady, Brandon in front of the man...the Bellman in front of the cart. We arrive at 17. I try to get out of this lady's way so she can get off. This lady was about 6 ft. Her husband about 5'7. She had the voice of a trucker. Her hair would suggest that she has been going to the same hairdresser for 30 years, someone who has failed to update their 'style chart' in about three decades. So as she squeezes by me she lets fly with "thanks a lot, ya rude fucks!" We all look at each other incredulously. I, for once...was speechless! I mean, I guess we just kind of had to laugh. What are you supposed to do there? Go after her and ask what on Gods Green Earth prompted that? Or just ignore it? Fearing what she/it might respond with? Yeah, we let it go. But I still kind of wonder what was going on in her brain. Only in Tunica, only in Tunica!

Fast forward to Tuesday. I slept in. Didn't care if I was on time or not. Arrive with 5 minutes left in the first level. Notice right away that my table sucks. There is an old guy in the ten seat, who CAN NOT, and WILL NOT be bluffed! So do NOT even think about it. I have Anthony from Atlanta at my table, who I final tabled with the other night in the 2nd chance. Good player. Mike "Carwash" comes a bit later, into seat 4...which had seen 5 players come and go from. They both would lose a lot of chips to this guy. Why? They kept trying to bluff him. I had a very specific strategy against him. Call his limps. Call his raises. DO NOT RE-RAISE HIM. DO NOT RAISE HIM. If he has money in there, he is NOT going away. So I played the snake in the grass game. And it worked like clockwork.

There are more than one KAI's out there. This guy is from Texas. I think he spells it KAY? No that can't be it. Well, whatever...its pronounced the same. He was pretty entertaining, had a little bit of me in him. I was feeling very mellow during this tourney so he pretty much took over for me. He has a very high opinion of himself and his game, which he stated several times. I admit it, he was playing well. He was chipping up pretty big too. I was playing very tight. I was sitting on about 5K at level 4 when I raise from cutoff with JJ. I get a call from the big blind. Flop comes K-J-2. He bets 1K. I call. Turn is a 7. He bets 1500. I raise to 3000. He goes all in with his KQ. See ya. SEAT FOUR OPEN! I'm up to 9k. Very quietly making my run. The other Kai proceeds to donk, and I MEAN donk...off all his chips, until he has only 2200 left. He makes the mistake of MIN RAISING my BB. From 150/300 he makes it 600. The old guy in 10 makes the call. I look down at my favorite hand...K9...SUITED! (bonus) Well, I am certainly NOT folding. And you all know my deal about the min raise. The flop? You will like this. Q-10-J. Two clubs. I have spades. I have...mmmm the 2nd nuts right now. I KNOW the old guy doesn't have AK..he would have raised. Well, I check of course. Kai II goes all in. The old guy calls. I kind of hate how I played this. But he is so scary...he could have (and probably does) an ace...and if he hits a K I'll be looking for or inventing new ways to kill myself, and would be busting out. Or possibly a club draw? So I play it safe and move all in over the top. He folds. Kai doesn't have shit, and he leaves.

Next comes fun hand #2. Old guy...ah lets call him Kermit, as he kind of had the posture and certain facial similarities to the renowned Frog. Oh and of course, he is wearing a bright green shirt! Kermit limps in for 300. I look down at A10d on the button, and of course just call behind him. SB and BB both hang in there. The flop? Hahahahahha...you know it....Q-J-K, rainbow. Tooo funny. Blinds both check. He bets 1000. I min raise to 2000. Both blinds fold. He calls. Turn is a 2. He bets 2000. I call. River is a 7. He checks. Now Carwash says he would have moved all in there for my last 7500, and thinks the guy would have called. But I am looking to extract maximum value. I suppose it could have worked both ways. I bet 3500. He calls. He has QJ. He grimaces. But he still has a lot of chips.

Fun hand #3. Now Kermit has seldom raised in this game. He is a limping machine. So when (at 200/400) he makes it 1600 in early position, and I look down at 10-10...I realize this guy has GOT to have AA/KK/QQ for SURE. I KNOW I am behind. But with 20K I have to see a flop. So I call the 1600. After everyone folds, I catch Carwash's eyes and mouth to him "I have tens." Here comes the flop of the year......10-10-7. Nooooo wayyyyy! Too great. Kermit leads out for 2000. And this is where my Dustin Hoffman performance begins. "Wow...2K? I thought I had the best hand after the flop...but now I'm not sure. What do you have sir? Kings? You don't have A10 do you? Wow...okay, bad call" I make the call. Turn is...oh who cares, it doesn't matter, because he is sitting on AA. And I have flipping QUADS! I really don't think my Oscar-worth act mattered, I don't think he was folding ACES ever, not even if I had shown him ONE ten. But after he bets 4000 on the turn...and I say something like....well, if you have the ten I cant win..."I'm all in" to which he insta-calls and sees just how dirty I did him.

Monkey now has a shit load of chips! All of a sudden, after I have knocked Kermit out...I notice we are half an hour away from the dinner break, and 2 away from the money. Whoa! Really? That was fast! Carwash and I keep getting stuck next to each other with the re-draws. Holding the same number of chips, we agree to do a 10% save on one of us finishing in the top 4. I have enough chips (around 25K) to get through the money bubble without sweating it...so I decide to cash first, and not get cute and get busted. Which is what Carwash's buddy would do on another table. It was weird...three tables...and ours all had about average stacks, the one behind us almost ALL had massive stacks, and the other one had 4 shortstacks out of 7 players. One of them was SURE to go out 19th.

But...nope, not to be. And I don't understand players sometimes. Look behind to see this play:Raise UTG from 2000/4000 to 15k. The button SMOOTH CALLS 15k! HUH? Then Carwash's buddy John (from Atlanta) MOVES ALL IN for like 50K. The first raiser calls. The second guy folds. John has AQd. The first raiser has KK. The flop comes K-8-8. Wow. We are in the money. Dude on the other table was down to 3000 chips! He cashes. Gross.

I run out of luck. I am not catching many cards. But I am very patient. I kind of think I misplayed this hand. This kid...bald headed kid...who I now want payback against...had been exploiting the bubble from 22 down to 19 players. Limping in for big....then leading on the flop, most likely with air every time. Well, he limps in for 4000. I am in the BB with KJd...heads up with him. I have 18K behind. I kind of think the right play there (against this player) was to move all in. Take down the pot (approx. 14K) right there. But no, I decide to play it stealthily. Which looks like a good decision when the flop comes J-10-7. Two hearts. I decide NOT to get cute and check raise...on the off chance he checks behind then improves with maybe a Q or an A or another heart....so I blast out a 7500 bet. HE CALLS. WTF? Now...had I moved ALL IN there for 18K I don't know if he calls or not. This guy is holding Q8h. The next card out is a damn 9. I move all in...now I have top pair, 2nd kicker, and a straight draw. He calls, of course (with his straight AND flush draw, ugh). I do not improve, in fact, he rivers a damn flush. And I am OUT...in 15th. Good for a whopping $481. That's going to look awfully nice on my Cardplayer Player Profile. So no final table, No POY points, No Rounder Points (none yet this year!) and no discernable financial procurement. Bummer!

But Carwash was on a heater at last look. And we/they all decided to play this one out and not wait til tomorrow, so hopefully when we go back to play today, I will see Mike's photo on the bulletin board, and be collecting over a grand from him. That would be a great way to start the day! Plus Carwash is a great dude, nothing better than a good dude winning if I can't.

I play a sit n go right after going out. I finish an annoying 3rd, again. Go to play another $125. Start out strong. Doubling up with QQ. Then...entering the room, is Johnny Groomes! And he isssssss hammmerred! Hilarious! He is on vacation. And obviously enjoying himself! I was wondering where he has been, as I haven't seen him all week. Well, he came to talk to me, offered very kind, sincere condolences (sic) regarding the loss of our baby last month, which was very nice of him...and then challenged me to play in a SNG with him for $80.

Well, they kind of have a rule against playing two SNGs at the same time, but I think they relaxed it for this one, or maybe I THOUGHT they did, as I plopped my $80 on the table and drew the seat next to Johnny. This should be a lot of fun.

[I had never understood why they wont let you play two SNGs at once, even though at places like Reno I had done it numerous times. Well, I figured it out last night, all on my own...and am embarrassed that my feeble brain never figured this out before. Well, duh, what if some schmuck was low stack and about to go out in one and so snuck chips over to the other one? Or vice versa? Well, two things. (a) I am not that guy and (b) who IS that guy? I mean at the end of the SNG, the dealers COUNT all the stacks back out and re-set them for another SNG. So when they come up short on chips, who the hell would they implicate? Gee, wonder how many chips are on the other table!? Lets count them! Oh...we are over by how many? Yeah...then that guy gets booted from the casino, probably for life! Nice play moron! But you KNOW those idiots are out there. I guess if you don't THINK like a cheater, it might take you three years (as it did for me) to figure these things out!]

As we were about to begin THAT one...and me not intending to go over there until I busted out of the other, or at the very least to just play my blinds...Johnny tells me something I thought was funny. Not sure what inspired this exactly. "Monkey...just so you know, you CANNOT do live blogs from your phone during a tournament unless you have a press pass," or a media credential or something like that. He never got a chance to elaborate. First of all, I JUST think I might have figured out HOW to do that last week. Haven't tried it, and not sure it even works. Don't think I mentioned it on here yet. Maybe I did. I wonder, are other players doing this? Has it caused an issue somewhere? Well, the keypad on my Blackberry is so small, I can't even imagine sitting there pecking away trying to make a blog entry in the middle of a tourney. I suppose if I am playing a big event somewhere, and I am on tourney breaks...I suppose then maybe some intermittent updates might be kind of cool. But never in a tourney under 5K, and never from the table would I pull that stunt.

Johnny would end up busting out FIRST! So I didn't even get a chance to play with him...which I was really looking forward to. He immediately retreated to the cash game area. I would go over to that table and play my BB, pick up AA against a guy holding JJ. I double up. So now, I have issues. I have a big stack on BOTH tables, but we are down to 4 on one, and 5 on the other. Blinds are now 200/400 on one, and 400/800 on the other. I am scrambling. I run JJ into QQ in one and get almost busted. Then in the other I run AJ into AK...and lose there. I end up going out 4th in BOTH! Don't cash EITHER. Damn! Not how that was supposed to go down!

Winning both would have been quite a feat, but just winning one would have been perfectly acceptable, after all they were two winner satellites, so if I could have just sat on a big stack, I could have almost folded my way to the win. Grrrrrrrrr......

Well, so far I have to feel pretty good about this trip. I am in a great room, I am having a lot of fun with the players. The dealers have been pretty good. I have one final table, two cashes, and two deep finishes. I am only 2 for 8 in SNGs, but should really be about 5 for 8. I am playing well, I think. I am just about dead even for the trip right now, and with a week left, I can feel a big final table finish coming, maybe today (I hope). I have to say, they have been great, too, about handing out Food Comps to the food court here. They are worth $12 a piece, and they are pretty good about giving them out. I really, really like to see that. And I know all the players really appreciate it. I know I had a rough patch with MGM and all that mess last year...but I never trashed Ken and Johnny back then for a good reason, I contend that they run some of the best poker events out there...and are both really good guys. Plus...they put up with me! :)

Okay...think that's a wrap for today! Hey, if anyone who reads this isn't on my Facebook and has an account on there...shoot me a friend request and I will get you on there. I like to post my tourney updates on there sometimes. Squirrel is on there now, and is requesting (okay, DEMANDING) that I watch what I say on there as her whole family is on there! Yeah well...as long as I can keep them from reading this we should be fine!

MONKEY

TUNICA UPDATE after DAY 3

I hate AOL!

I had written a bunch, most of it funny. Was on about 8 paragraphs when my AOL just freezes up. Can't copy and paste what I had written. I am pissed. And now its very late, and I just can't see myself writing a ton, especially having to re-produce that whole entry.

Got here Thursday night. Late....real late. Brandon was already here. It was night 1 of having no A/C in our room. By day 3 we would see a Maintenance Engineer four times. I am now laying in my king size bed...in our 2-bedroom Penthouse Suite that they have moved us too. Earlier, I took a one hour bath in our whirlpool bathtub. Helps to know how to bitch and complain. Wish Squirrel was up here to enjoy this with me.

Played Friday's noon tourney. Got to level 7. Get it all in preflop with A7s...on a bit of a steal. (okay, total steal attempt) I get two callers. AQ and JJ. I am in deep shit. Dude flops a set of Jacks, with me catching two spades. I turn a flush!!! Dude fills up on the river. Shit! Out! Play the 2nd chance. In level 5 (200/400) the BB is sitting out. This guy who had already proved to be very mule like raises to 1200 UTG. The guy behind him goes all in for 2100. I put him on something like AJ....the first guy I think is just trying to steal to the BB(dead money). Maybe not, but I have 99...and think I have the best hand. I could have flatted the 2100 I suppose. But no...I move in. Everyone folds around to UTG boy...who INSTA CALLS with AJ offsuit. Unreal. Other guy has A10. Two outer? Sure. Why not. A on the flop. Ten on the turn. Im out.

The SNGS go badly too. I play 4. I win/chop ONE. I get 2-outed there 5 times, and 1 outed once. In one I am chip leader after the first hand when I flop two pair and get paid off by two who both flopped top pair. That all goes to shit. With AQ I limp early, knowing this chucklehead on the button will raise. He does. I smooth call. The flop comes Q-10-9. Im first to act. I move in. He tanks. Im listening to music. He turns over his hand. JJ. Okay...help me here, are you all thinking (and assuming) that he is done? Showing you what he had, before mucking? Thats how I took it. So I just show him a Q. Then the dealer tells us we are both going to have a penalty. HUH!??? For exposing our hand. WTF!!!! I flip out. Eric Comer comes over, and I explain, rather vociferously (nice word, huh?) that I and others were all under the impression that he was mucking. Well, Eric doesnt see it my way. He does waive the penalty...but LETS the guy still act on his hand. Well, he of course is open ended. HE CALLS. Turn? Another Q. River? A damn J. I go nuts! (not openly, I actually leave the table and silently freak out.) Couple hands later I lose with 99 vs. A3 and A10. Then I dont remember what finished me but I had JJ against something stupid. I would win ONE...but it was a three way chop. It was a bad day. One I wanted to quickly forget.

Saturday didnt start so hot. It was a $550 and the field was pretty small. 180 players or so. I started pretty good. I got AA and KK early but got nothing for it. Then at level 4 I went totally card dead. I was getting pretty low on chips when, holding QJ in the BB on a MIN RAISED hand...I flop K-10-8. I check to the guy who I know is about to bet with whatever he min riased with. He bets. I raise all in. He tanks...and finally calls, with AK. Ooops. Not what I wanted to see...as I need an ace there (or a 9). I brick out...and I am done. Dammit.

I play a sit n go. I get two outed. Thats it! I am done. Didnt get much sleep the night before. Was sick of the bad beats. Was sick of the redneck donkeys. Was sick of being here. So I went to the room. I passed out. Then, at 6:45...Brandon shows up, as he has made it to the dinner break (again, 2 for 2, but fails to cash in both Friday and Saturdays tourneys. Well, he wakes me up...and I cant get back to sleep. So I decide, what the hell, I will go play the 2nd chance tourney I guess. Expect there to be a decent field. There isnt. Only 111 players.

I literally was short stack almost the entire tourney. I started the tourney out by pushing in (ten minutes late) to the 10 seat and immediately drove my knee into that damn metal box...taking a chunk out of my knee. It bled for about 20 minutes. That is by far the worst shot I've ever taken by that box. I leave that table after only 20 minutes. Get moved to another table. Sit there and play maybe 1 hand out of 15. When I raise..everyone folds. Had a cute little 23 year old girl from Texas on my left who became my little buddy. She is here with her Dad, who is MY AGE (nice!) and a pretty cool dude. She was actually a pretty good player. She saved my butt when she folded 10-10 to my 8-8 all in. Whew. But then I had AA and raised...and she thought she was giving me a courtesy fold! I showed AA. Bottom line...every time I moved in...NO ONE called. I had 3 or 4 big blinds from level 4 through level 9. It was insane! Just won enough to stick around.

Finally win a big pot when a dude who had moved in on my BB does it again and I look down at QQ. NICE! Well...it IS queens! I call. He has AhJs. Oh God! Flop comes THREE HEARTS! Oh no! But he bricks out! NICE! And for the first time I have some chips! Shortly after that we get down to 18 and move to another area on a redraw. My little Texas cutie is in the 7 seat, me the 2. In the 5 seat is an absolute RETARD. Guy raising with 48 off suit, K2, J5...when the blinds are 2000/4000. I know she has a monster when she flats for 6000. Flop comes K high. Donkey bets, and she keeps calling all the way to the river, never raises him. On the river, he bets 2k into like a 45K pot...she raises to 5k and he INSTAMUCKS! It was hilarious! When we started that table, this clown must have had like 86K. THe most chips I ever had...the whole tourney...was 34K. That stupid jackass wouldnt even make the final table.

I make the final table. The final table beads go on. The Red Snappers get ordered...and the WHOLE TABLE drinks! NICE! I kind of lost track of how long the final table took...but I was having one of my typical final tables, drinking snappers, watching people make bad plays and lose and leave...picking up more spots. Climbing out of my two-day hole ($$$) slowly! We get down to 4. Samantha is still in there. Then she says it!

OH NO! She has no idea who I am, that I write on here, the history with the Beau Rivage. None of that. And she lets this beauty fly out of her mouth..."Yeah Monkey had Aces on our other table and I almost called his all in with KQ but he kicked me under the table, whew!" Dena....who plays in a lot of these tourneys, and who I really like...and who knows about all that BS/DRAMA...looks at me....like WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY!?? And I cant believe it either. Because she is KIDDING...but WHO WOULD KNOW!??? And where am I!??? The Goldstrike! I very carefully explain the situation, ask her to please let all who witnessed that quote know that she was kidding! Last thing I needed!!!!!

We are at 4. 1st place is $6300. I propose that we take a $2000 save...and play for the remaining $2200. All four accept the deal. Cool. That gets me back to even on the trip. We get down to 3 and we agree to save $500 more. And play for $700. I get no cards. I am getting slowly blinded out. Have to get it in with J10. Run into A7 and it holds. Game over. They both chop the last $700 and we were done. I tip the floor and the dealers, and go have some cocktails with Brandon and some other people. And go back to our hot as hell room for our last night in that sweatbox.

Woke up this morning with the headache from hell. Got to the tourney in plenty of time for the $330, which had only 183 players. Things start pretty good again. Start with 5K in chips. At the end of the 2nd break I have 9k. A nice pace. But then in the next two levels, all I get is QQ twice, and 1010 twice, and get NO action on my raises. Then Amanda the wonder dealer shows up. She felted me the other day with that full house on the river. She gives me nothing but absolute garbage when we are at 300/600 and Im watching my stack dwindle. 4-9. 2-8. 3-7. J-2. You know! THE GOOD STUFF! I am now down to 5200...and getting desperate. Then...wow, she gives me A-9! Which by this time is looking like ACES. I suppose I could have just raised to 1800 there and folded to an all in. But I decide to just ship it and try to drag the 1650 pot right there. Uh....not going to happen. I run into AK. Dammit! I dont suck out. Oh well. Not much I could do about that.

Go Play, and LOSE...a $65 sit n go. Then decided to call it a day. Got moved to this kickass room. Played some online poker. (big mistake) Wow, its amazing when you go from four days of live tourney and SNG play to online. It is utterly AMAZING how BAD they play online. Sickening I think is the real word I was thinking of there.

Tomorrow is a $330 DeepStacks tourney. Which is sort of bullshit, really. Yeah, we get 10K in chips. But the levels go from 40 or 50 minutes ($330 / $550) to only 30 minutes, and there are levels missing in the structure to speed it up. Mix in the idiot/donkey factor, where your John Deere drivers will be raising (25/50) to 400 with AK...and it should make for an excellent donkfest-like atmosphere. Who knows, maybe I will get lucky and actually get paid off with my big hands tomorrow. I definitely have a very precise 'style of play' reserved exclusively for Tunica and the freakshow players who frequent this place!

There is a gym here. Or so rumor and various signs would have you believe.

I have yet to see a $2 a minute massage girl. Is it the economy?

I parked my car in valet on Thursday night. I havent seen it since. Nor have I breathed air from the great outdoors either. I wonder if my car misses me?

They have a very large live game room going, I have not played ONE HAND in there. I am breaking even on the cash game.

Old guys should not try their new material (what they deem as funny) at the poker table before first trying it out on their deer hunting, cotton farming buddies/relatives first. This quote..."Hell, thats about like finding a hair on your bisquit" was the best effort this guy could muster. He even tried to use it twice. No sir...NO! That is not funny. In fact, it doesnt even make sense.

If anyone EVER catches me shedding even ONE tear again while watching American Idol, please kill me. I admit it, watching Anoop's genuine shock and happiness at being the 13th 'extra' finalist, made me shed a tear of joy for him. That is simply ridiculous and I should have my nuts cut off and fed to me. I did find the time to wish some form of torture upon Drama-Tatianna after watching another nauseating act from her. And of course there was watching Paula stumble and fall all over her tongue again trying to complete one sentence without 27 pregnant pauses. She is a freaking trainwreck.

Does anyone really believe that this Charlene from San Diego really lost 47 pounds using Hydroxy Cut? And the dude, John, with the lab coat claiming to be a doctor? He sure does look to me like maybe he is an actor living in LA who works out everyday and just happended to land a gig as a fake doctor hocking fat burning pills.

Can someone please KILL that twit who sings those stupid Free Credit Report.com commercials? And if the credit reports are free, how the hell do they make any money!??

WASHINGTON HUSKIES. PAC 10 REGULAR SEASON CHAMPS! Thank you, thank you. That feels good to say, and looks nice to read!

We must not have Animal Planet network in Biloxi. I'm pretty sure if we did I would watch it all the time. I have been watching it now from 1am to 5:20am. Yeah, it is now 5:30. See, I came up here at 4. I was asleep by 4:10. Thats pm. Then, at 8..Brandon returns to the room, "HEY MONKEY...YOU AWAKE!!!???" Well, I am now ya bastard. And I havent gotten tired again until about now. And I really need these 6 hours of sleep I hope I am about to get. Oh..yeah. Animal Planet...great great stuff. Pandas are so cute. I think I would like a pet panda. Definitely NOT a Boa Constrictor though. And probably not a monkey either. They are really high maintenance apparantly.

That is all folks. I am going to final table one of these damn noon tourneys before I leave this place....I promise.

MONKEY

1 Tourney in March, 1 Final Table. GOOD START!

Was at home, playing online...cashed in 3 out of 7 SNG's and was thinking I should stay put, keep it going, ya know? Spend some time with my dogs, before leaving tomorrow for Tunica.

Then it hit me. I really needed to go to Wal Mart to get some things for my car, some things for my trip. Better go play at the Beau, say my 11-day farewells to everyone, take my bad beat in the nightly tourney...and go hit Wal Mart.

I got to the tourney ALMOST on time. Oh hell, they had only 33 players! WTF!?? And they had only opened 3 tables. Oh come on! "You will be an alternate." No way. In a 10k chip tourney? Not acceptable. "Can you please make it 11 handed? Otherwise, we run the risk of not getting in til Level 3 or worse?" So Robin did the right thing and made 4 tables 11-handed.

Got AA early, had to lay it down to an apparant flush...which the guy DIDNT have, but the other old calling station dude had turned a straight, so either way it was a good laydown. Then I get them again, raise 3x UTG...and get three calls. Lovely. Flop comes K-Q-J....ugly. Blings were 200/400 and I had raised 1200. I bet out 4500. First guy to act behind me goes all in. A different old dude (we had about 5 at our table) calls the all in. GREAT. I fold AA again. First guy has KJ. Next clown has A7s. There were two spades on the flop. Turn 4d. River? Ad. SON OF A BITCH! I would have had over 40K right there.

Somehow I manage to battle my way down to two tables. I am picking up pots by moving in and not getting calls. Can't recall ever getting it in and getting a call, until the final hand. Long story short, I manage to somehow make the final table. It was over quick. I was half in sitting in the SB when "Slumdog Millionaire" looking dude raises 6K with AJ. I have QJd...and call of course. Cant hit the three outer or a flush, and I was out of there. I bought in for $130. I won $144. Sweeeeet.

Off to Wal Mart. What should have been a 15 minute, $25 trip turned into a 1hr, $165 trip. Added 4 very comfortable new pillows to bed. Pretty much everything I could possibly need on my car was acquired. Okay, okay. It was Wal Mart...we've all been there. You know the drill.

Got home, decided to try and play the new game, Mercenaries 2. Damn PS3 was having all kinds of problems downloading file updates. Probably because my internet was all screwed up. Whatever, finally got into it. Killer game. Though the accuracy on the assault weapons is shitty. Probably a little more realistic though. Some of these other games I am dropping guys from 200-300 yards. That can't be very realistic. Though, in real life, I havent tried to drop ANYONE with an assault rifle from ANY distance. Though there are a few I would like to try my luck against! I only got to level 3 when Squirrel got home. I have to leave for Tunica in the morning (afternoon, more likely!) so I thought it would be nice to spend some time with her.

Spending time on Wednesday means watching our three recorded shows. First of all, American Idol. We got to see who the three that were voted on from last night were. I was pretty shocked to see who got picked. Then they selected the 8 wild cards who go tomorrow night. WTF!??? Are you kidding me? The biggest shocker was that Drama Queen, Super Annoying Tatianna. Huh? The two hotties from last night who can both sing both got totally shut out. The black guy, Ja'Neau...got dusted too. I thought he was awesome. Thankfully, the creepy gay guy is toast. I dont know about this show. It seems like every year the talent is getting worse and worse. And this new judge, Kara? Is it just me, or does that chick just love to hear herself talk? I mean, there are 4 judges, and it really doenst MATTER what they say or think anymore, its all voting. Kara, put in your 2 cents and get on with it. And Paula? Seriously Paula...if you can just, maybe...complete ONE sentence this season without falling all over yourself, it will be amazing. I watch that show and I just get irritated. I truly want to fight Ryan Seacrest.

We are now watching Class Reunion...which had its first season last year, and was pretty good. I'm not too sure about this years 'crop' of classmates. So far, its pretty damn lame. When this is over, we will watch my newest addition to the lineup, "Lie to Me." This show is great. If you are a poker player, you have to really like it too...as its whole basis focuses on their ability to pick up facial tells from people and translate them. A lot of them, as good poker players...you will already know. Pretty cool, as you're watching, you might pick them up before they even say something about them.

Last night I took Squirrel to dinner, then we went to see "Gran Torino" with Clint Eastwood. Wow! What a great movie. My sister encouraged me to see it. I am kind of wondering why, though I think maybe I know. Eastwood's character played a old, dying curmudgeon of a character who learned a few things about life before he died a death that he orchestrated. It was a little over the top with the racial slurs. I really can't see very many people blasting people with the things the writers had him firing at the many Asians and Blacks in the movie. The acting by the Asian actors was also horrendous...but surprisingly it didnt ruin the movie for me. It was a great story. It reminded me of my Grandfather, who died a couple years ago. He was always an asshole my whole life. He was mean to everyone. I always wanted to find, and was convinced that there HAD to be a good person in there somewhere. Mainly because my Grandmother was so sweet and wonderful. But I just never got a chance to find one. Eastwood's character slowly let the good person come out..and he emerged as a hero by the end of the movie. The final scene was a real tear-jerker...made lighter by the reading of the Will to close out the movie. I'm glad we went. It was that or "Taken" which also looks good. Maybe catch that one later.

Squirrel is setting up a Facebook account, finally. See how long it takes her to eclipse my number of friends (229). I will predict she passes me within a month.

Spent 6 hours yesterday working on my taxes. Holy crap. Adding up ALL my tourney buy ins. Going through my little black book and coming up with my NET on my cash game, adding up all the buyings/winnings/net on my SNGS...and getting a summary from Pokerstars on my online buyins/winnings/net. I only have about 4 W2G's from casinos on the wins...but I know better than to just turn in those wins. I know that the IRS now pulls your name up on Cardplayer and/or PokerPages and KNOWS what you won. Granted, they cant see the wins from the $200 second chance tourneys, or the $100-$200 nightly/daily local tourneys. But I am not about to try and GET OVER on the government. I won over $200,000 last year in tourneys ($127K on Cardplayer reported cashes) and another $75,000 in SNGs...but I have a HELL of a lot of buyin receipts, so hopefully my tax burden wont be too bad, and I do get ALL of the state income tax witheld from Louisiana for those two back to back final tables over there ($3800'ish) in May. As an out-of-stater all you have to do is file an Out-Of-State non-resident tax return and they have to give it all back to you.

I hate packing. I hate driving 7 hours. I hate leaving Squirrel for 11 days. And I hate leaving my dogs. But I love going to poker tourneys. I get so jacked up for it. So excited for the opportunity to go and dominate a field of inferior players, to have my strong hands hold up. To make well-timed bluffs and take down big pots. To make great position raises and take down big pots without seeing a flop. To chip up. To make the money. To start drinking Red Snappers. Having fun. Chipping up some more. Making the Final Table. Drinking Snap Monkeys. And then hopefully winning a bunch of money! And having that feeling of realizing your ultimate goal! Then, coming back and doing it again the next day. And writing to you guys and sharing the experience with all of you. I love my job.

I'll talk to you all in a couple days!

MONKEY

Well, HELLLO MARCCCH!

Are you kidding me?
Its freaking MARCH?
Already?
I barely believe it.

Well, I have exciting news to report. Pokerstars has traditionally kicked the living crap out of me for years on the weekends. I have developed a 'theory' that they skew their software on the weekends, due to the influx of what I deem as 'weekend warriors,' the poker community who plays very little, or is new to the game. I've always felt that I take way more bad beats and suckouts on the weekends. That I always seem to lose in the most excruciatingly painful ways. You know...having that AK, raising getting three calls, flopping K-5-10 rainbow...betting, getting a call. You turn a 3. You bet. Fish calls. River is a 7. You bet. He MIN RAISES. Huh? Priced in, you call...and see his K-7 offsuit. You punch the ottoman. Maybe throw something. Swear (obviously) as loud as you can. Make a note on the guy on the special notes tab. Contemplate a cocktail...or other remedies, and continue on.

Yeah...those are how weekends on Pokerstars generally transpire. On Friday night my buddy Bob "Westside Bobby From San Francisco" Smith, who is a dealer and occasional floor guy for Harrah's called me from New Orleans...telling me he was over there filling out all the bullshit paperwork to get certified to work the New Orleans event in May as a Supervisor. It was going to be a five day process. I knew what this meant. He needed a place to stay. Not a problem. He became our weekend house guest. And I got to see what 'getting certified' to work over there meant.

TWO WORDS. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T!

If, in your life, you think you have ever had it with ANYTHING, where life has presented you with an obstacle you simply find, IMPOSSIBLE to overcome and/or endure, I invite you to take on a task that will finally drive you to end it all. Try to get approval to deal or work the floor at New Orleans Harrahs. My friends, if you had seen this (a) you wouldnt believe it, and (b) you would find yourself secretly wanting to firebomb that casino. I am now hoping to God that place doesnt get firebombed, because I just implicated myself, didn't I?

Each applicant is required to provide DOCUMENTED evidence of EVERY job they have had for the last TEN YEARS! Names of employers, addresses, phone numbers, EXACT dates of employment. Where they lived. EVERYTHING about their life, FOR TEN YEARS. Ever had an arrest? Ever gotten a ticket of ANY KIND? They want a COURT CERTIFIED document of the outcome. Bobby sat and worked on this thing for TWO DAYS...literally put in about 5 or 6 hours working on this deal. I couldn't decide whether to laugh at him or give him a hug. The State Troopers of Louisiana, my nominees for biggest FUCKING MORONS on the PLANET EARTH! And we wonder why we get the WORST MOTHER*(*#(*&!! DEALERS of ALLTIME when we are over in New Orleans? DUHHHHHHH! NO mystery here folks. They make it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get a license. WHY? Does it make sense? Do they NOT want gambling in their city? You would think so, wouldn't you? As hard as they make it? These, I remind you...are the idiots who decided to make it a LAW to outlaw iPods in their poker tourneys because they have declared the iPod to be a "two way communication device!" Yeah, I kid you not!

Nothing about New Orleans has EVER made ANY sense to me...so why start now? Incidentally, Bobby just called (and woke me up at 1pm, yikes, HEY I was up til 5am winning a poker tourney) to tell me he got everything turned in, but that the CERTIFIED COPY FROM THE COURTHOUSE IN CALIFORNIA wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for them...that they needed a NOTARIZED DOCUMENT FROM THE COURTHOUSE in California to make it legit, which Bobby now has them sending to him...so he has to drive from TUNICA....next week, ALL THE WAY TO FREAKING NEW ORLEANS....so that he can present this stupid piece of paper to these buffoons. So he can work this event, which he will probably get screwed on his payment like everyone else who works for Harrah's does. Why do people still bother TRYING to work for Harrah's I wonder? Nothing like a little 7 hour drive to drop off a piece of paper...then drive BACK! Does Harrah's reimburse him for this little inconvenience? Hell no.

By the way, the event in May is now finally being posted on Cardplayers website, and WSOP. But mysteriously missing is the structure. Hmmmm. There's a shock. But Steve Frasier (sic?) is running that event, so Bobby has encouraged me to think optimistically about the potential structure. Yeah, yeah, I'm not stupid enough to think Steve has the floor on that decision. I want to SEE the structure before I get even KIND OF excited about it.

On another sidebar...I won't mention his name in case this gets him in some kind of trouble...but another guy who works the floor for events, and who is a real good guy who does a great job...was in there going through what Bob was going through. They start pressing him on stuff that shouldn't matter. Long story short, he gets flustered and in an attempt to go storming out of the room, has his iPod snag on something and it rips the ear bug out of his ear (I think we have all done this move with our iPod) and it goes flying, it braises one of the State Troopers in the neck. Well, this started quite a fracas, one that almost resulted in this guy getting ARRESTED for assault! He was kicked out and told not to return. The GOOD OL STATE POLICE OF LOUISIANA...my NOMINEE for BIGGEST INCOMPETENT, JACKASSSES on the PLANET EARTH, not only for 2009 but for every year they are in existence.

I wonder how these clowns would react if we all just BOYCOTTED the entire event. Sent about 50 of us over there and protested out front of the place, with placards. "NO iPODS, NO JUSTICE!" "CRAP DEALERS, CRAP TURNOUT" "GIVE US QUALITY PRODUCT" "HARRAHS IS THE DEVIL" I can see it now. The only way to inspire change with Harrah's is to hit them in the pocket book. We, the players, control this game, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it as we are constantly being shoved around. Without us, without our money...guess what? There is NO game. No 17% juice for them to stick in their pockets. The bad news? Poker players are lazy...to inspire them to do anything that will help us is something that requires them to actually DO SOMETHING requiring energy and deep thought on occasion. Tough sell. And I think the guys who run these casinos KNOW THAT. So most of you will keep on showing up to these events that feature shitty dealers and shitty structures...then bitch about them the whole time. What does that make you? A LEMMING! So basically, what I am saying...is if this event in May SUCKS...and yet, you go...find this out after the first day, and STAY....do NOT, I repeat....do NOT!!!!! come find me and want to whine about it. Please. I am sick of you people who bitch, bitch, bitch...but won't do ANYTHING about it. I have tried, tried like hell to fight for us players to bring about change with these tournament directors. Sometimes, I know for a fact, I drive them CRAZY. But I see myself as the 'voice of the players' and despite even Squirrel wishing I would shut up....I will go out of my way to fight for change. I have been very successful I think. Got the IP to change their whole structure last fall, and it was a great tourney for the most part. Then Jason and I worked on this New Orleans deal...and thought we had a great tourney to look forward to...then BOOM, he leaves Harrah's.

My message? QUIT BEING LEMMINGS! Stand up for what you believe in people. You have a voice, USE IT!

This Blog entry is getting very long again. Oh well, such is life.

Back to my weekend of online poker. I say my weekend of ONLINE poker, because my one foray into the live game saw me go the Beau Rivage on Saturday for the 15K (or maybe its 10K, I dont know) guarantee that cost $230 (maybe $235, or $240, again, not sure) to play and attracted 91 players...so again, of course...no overlay. I end up getting seated right next to Rooster. Rick won the event on Thursday night...another one that ended badly for me. Dont remember how I went out...but I did, about halfway through the deal. But Rooster ended up chopping it heads up for $1400 each. We have 10% shares on every tourney we play together...and frankly, I need to get cashing becuase he has been paying me a LOT lately, and me not so much! But hes a good guy, and Im sure he wont start busting my balls about it. He knows how it goes. Well, he shot me $140 on Pokerstars...which when he sent it, my account balance was down to THIRTY TWO DOLLARS! Yeah! $32.17 to be exact!

Well, our table had a fella sitting in the 5 seat who the automatic shuffler decided was going to be his personal protege for the day. He gets 22. Calls a raise (idiot raises 150 in SB with AA after 6 players have limped in for 50) along with the other six limpers. Promptly flops a set...along with 5-8. Dude with AA isnt smart enough or good enough to fold a simple pair, and he gives his $5500 chips to the Chubby Luck Box. A while later, he has QQ, raises, gets RE-raised by dude with AK. Dude, older, with old hat from the 70's. You know the type. Pulls his cards up off the table and sticks them in front of his face. While showing the two players next to him. Always love that player. Lucky McLuckbox calls the re-raise. Flop comes A-K-Q. We lose the old guy. Felted another one! This guy goes on to felt 6 players, all before the FIRST break! I am starting to get very discouraged, folding one shitty hand after another. When I DO pick up a hand, I either get called and outflopped, or someone moves all in on me. Ugh....not feeling like its going to be my day.

Finally, I am in the BB....and a guy raises to 600 (from 100/200). I am now down to about 3400 chips (start with 6000). I look down at...drum roll please...good 'ol QQ. Ugggghhhhhh. Not again. Almost flat it. Then think about how pissed I will be if he is sitting down there with A9/A10 suited...very likely for this guy. Another farmer type sporting a bad tractor hat. Nope, I NEED to raise here. So I raise it to 1700, which basically kills my fold equity. He asks the dealer "can I raise?" Oh my God. Nothing like (a) not knowing the rules and (b)indicating to me that I am fucked! He re-raises enough to put me all in. I can't fold now, not even if he SHOWED me AA/KK. I call and tell him to 'show me your KINGS, sir.' And he does. A couple at the table give me a look that suggests I am psychic...and I collect my stuff, not even pretending to root for a Q. I know it isnt coming. I immediately leave.

Rooster texts me as the guy continues to felt people from the 5 seat. 4 more leave within the hour. If this guy didnt win that thing, or at least get top 3, he is the worst poker player of all time! Rooster would end up going out deep.

Can you believe I am STILL not on my online experience? Before I get into it...I was reading the blogs of ALL of our bloggers while taking a three hour bath last night. Something caught my attention. Guys telling us where they are in the POCKET FIVES rankings for their State. Huh? They do that? So I got curious to see where I am on there. So I pull it up. I see Phillip Walsh on there, in about 4th. QUARTERSACK. And I see a couple other names I know. But NOWHERE is there a THEPOKRMNKY to be found, out of 50 names. And I look at their cashes and points...and feel slighted. I mean, I havent been DESTROYING online poker or anything this year, but I am sure as hell scoring a LOT more than half of the people on that ranking site. Why arent I on there? Is there a trick to get rated?

Another observation on reading blogs. And one that comes from Rooster's 20+ text messages Saturday and Sunday. Poker Blogs are tricky things. Players who play a lot of hands (online and live) are going to see a LOT of bad beats. A lot of suckouts. Hearing about them from other players...it tends to desensitize you. You try to act like you care, because its your friend, and you WANT him/her to think you feel bad for them. But the truth is, you just don't usually. You just cant find the energy or desire to care that much. So knowing this, I really try not to incorporate individual hands and how they went down too much when I write for you people. Like I have said before, when I write, I do it mainly to amuse and entertain, or to share stories from the poker world that you may find interesting. I leave the 'breaking down of hand play' to guys like Brandon Jarrett.

Where was I? Oh yeah...Rooster texts me his bad beats online all weekend, as I am in 8-15 games at any given moment...taking and giving bad beats every minute, playing close to 300 hands an hour combined. I started thinking about doing a TEN GREATEST ONLINE POKER BEATDOWN HANDS for a weekend session...just to feel like I was contributing to the Poker Blog in a poker-related way. I would just write each one down as they occurred, and at the end of the weekend, I would decide the top ten and see if they were worthy of posting...for your reading entertainment. I did not start this weekend with that task.

I did almost have my 25 Random Thoughts and Things About Me done. I wrote them ALL in the place on FaceBook where they are supposed to go. Then, I thought I saved them. Didnt think to copy them anywhere. And sure enough....they went POOF! GONE! Not saved. So I am now back to the drawing board! Son of a biotch!

ONLINE WEEKEND! FINALLY!

Saturday, after busting out of the Beau tourney, sped home to make the 100k freeroll on Stars. To play this, you have to have achieved Gold Status. There were 8000+ players in this, with first place being $12,500. I cashed, but not deep. Then played and cashed (not deep) a couple of small MTT's. Played and lost some SNG's. Then I made my big score for Saturday. Played a $12/180pp deal. The ones I have been making a living off of all year. I go on a tear with 30 left. I am in the top 3 all the way to the Final Table. Get down to 3. I am the shortstack. Cant remember the hands. I just know that I made the comeback of the century and ended up winning that sucker for $596! Sweet! I dabble a bit later but for the most part I shut it down.

Cue Sunday. Sleep in late. Real late. Had something to do with not going to sleep until I was done with my latest book, "THE VERDICT" by John Grisham. I have never, ever been more disappointed with the way a book ended as I was with that one. I was pissed! I just laid there in bed...at 5:30am...shaking my head. Wanting to email John Grisham. DAMMIT! I am now moving on to another Stephen Coonts Anti-Terrorism novel....DEEP BLACK:CONSPIRACY.

Wake up around 1. Yikes. Bobby is out there getting ready to leave. Has to take all his shit over to New Orleans, pick up his buddy Shawn from the airport, and be ready to go in on Monday (today) morning to present his case. Yeah...exactly, its like he's going to court or something!

I play several of the MTTS...but I do NOT play the Sunday Million. My buddy "BANGER" played...I watched him get whacked with QQ vs. 55 when the guy makes a runner runner straight with him about to double up huge. Sucked. Then Mike, last name unknown...Ive got him in my phone as MIKE POKER FAST TALKER...cashes 25oth. Sure will be nice when someone I know really well final tables that monster. Preferably me, but hey, I'm a team player!

No, I dick around in the tourneys all around $5 to $30. I am now sitting on a fresh balance of around $800. Not as good as the $4500 I was at a month ago (granted I did transfer $2700 out of there) but also MUCH BETTER than the 32 bucks I had two days ago! Well, I would get deep in two MTTS, going out 34th in the $8.80 turbo (started with 2235) and 150th (started with 7459) in the $5 rebuy when my KK lost to A10, with me a chance to be in the top 5 in chips! Only $9k to win that bitch. Instead I won $80. Oh boy! But during the day I would final table FOUR times in the $12/180. I would finish 7th, 6th, 4th twice and 2nd no the last one. Throw in a win in a $16/18pp SNG, a 2nd place in a $12/45pp....and when I logged off I had $1400+ in my account.

A lot of this was done while locked away in the bedroom, while Squirrel and her screaming gaggle of 6 girls were out in the kitchen playing some card game I didnt feel like taking the time to learn. They had attended Wendy the cocktail waitresses babyshower earlier that day down the street. And all ended up at my house. The Claw came again, and again...forgot to bring me back my borrowed clothes. And Squirrels, who's clothes she wore out of here on her LAST visit. I guess if my house burns down with everything in it, I can go to Claudia's house and at least have clothes to wear for a week or so! A very strange observation on these women. At any given time, I witnessed all SIX of them talking (check that, yelling) at the SAME time....ALL OF THEM....and I am asking myself, do ANY of them ACTUALLY listen to each other? I had a vision in my head of those 6 little birdies in their nest, with their heads straight up in the air...chirping like crazy....waiting for Mommie bird to show up and drop some regurgitated (sic) worm goop into their beaks. I was wishing I could get my hands on about 6 worms. That would be funny. I think I even saw them looking up at the ceiling as they were doing their chirping, uh...I mean....talking!

MUCH better, and my TLB (tournament leader board) points had me dangerously close to the Top 30. Making that, to me, is SICK....since there are over half a million players playing on that site. So I reckon for the next five days before I head to Tunica (more on that later) I will play like a banshee to try to crack the TOP 30. Yeah, just in time for me to basically shut it down while I play two weeks in Tunica followed by two weeks at the Beau. I will end up having almost NO POINTS for the month of MARCH. OH well....might as well have THEPOKRMNKY show up there at least for a day or two if I can! It was a good weekend on Stars, I feel good about it! Nothing can kill my buzz!

So yeah, Reno didn't happen. Couldn't get a flight. Squirrel didn't want me to go either. Despite my recent disdain for Tunica, and Squirrel believing that every time I go up there something dies that is dear to us (our dog, our baby) conventional wisdom is telling us that I NEED to go up there. Should be big fields, the buy ins are low...and my backer is on board with it. In fact my backer is on board with everything...so I guess she is firing me off a nice check to pretty much cover these next two events...then she goes galavanting off to Europe for an exciting cruise for the month. I am highly motivated to WIN and WIN ALOT while she is away, surprising her with some good news when she comes home. She is long over due to get a big fat MONKEY contribution! So on Friday, I will head to Tunica and room with Brandon again. I think the rooms are $60...which feels a bit high. Maybe I can get lucky and get Ken to help us get some of it comped. Maybe? We will see. I mean, if we are playing EVERY event, and probably close to 50 SNGS, I think we should rate a break on our room fees.

So its March! Already. Bills are due. Again! Ugh! But...its almost time for March Madness. A very exciting time of year! And as I sat watching my Washington Huskies comeback and beat Arizona Saturday, after beating ASU in overtime Thursday...and locking up at least a share of the Pac-10 title (just need to beat WSU next Saturday, who is playing very well right now). I have sent out the announcement for my March Madness pool, which should be HUGE this year. It should be a very exciting month. I hope on April 1st I am writing a blog celebrating my Huskies about to play in the Final Four, me having made 5 or 6 final tables....and having had consumed a LOT of Red Snappers and Snap Monkeys! BTW, had a guy in one of my online tables with the name "Snap Monkey" and got kind of offended. HOW DARE HE!

ANYWAY...this long ass blog entry is OVER! I probably won't be posting for awhile. Okay, we know that is a lie. I will give you guys a pretty thorough accounting of whatever goes down in Tunica. You know I will. So have a great week everyone!

MONKEY

FEBRUARY HIGHS AND LOWS...an OUT OF DATE (almost) POST

(Yeah...this is the Post that Bill mentioned while we were in Coushatta, that he promised to post later...but now its falling further and further behind, and I have a fresh new one that I want to post....so for those who find old news still fresh and funny....eat your heart out!!!!)




Well, being close to home to be with Squirrel has left me with few options. Option #1 of course is sitting at home and playing online and getting my ass handed to me on a regular basis, then making the occasional score to get back to where I started a couple days before. Its such a damn 'rat-on-a-wheel' cycle it drives me crazy!

Option #2 go to the Beau and play the nightly $130 buy in tourneys. And the occasional guarantees on the weekends. And then, option #3...a NEW option...is go to the Isle of Capri (affectionately referred to by many as the PILE OF DEBRIS, aptly named) and make a run at the recently ballooning Bad Beat Jackpot, which as of this writing is hovering around 150K. Sweet. Even sweeter if you hit it!

I've gotten about five emails the last two days asking why the hell I haven't blogged in over ten days. The answer? Well, its not due to a lack of material. I have witnessed and experienced a lot of funny shit the last week. I guess its partially due to laziness, and partially due to not finding the time to write, splitting time between playing poker and sleeping. Its a real grind, ya know...for a poker player!

First, let me welcome Brandon to our little Blog World. I see him...on my left...and UP the page from me. Again, I have slipped to the lower tier of the page. (sigh) I am sitting here with him again, roomies, again...in freaking COUSHATTA CASINO in a place called Kinder, Louisiana. Whoa. This was a last minute decision, made hastily when Brandon shows up this morning in Biloxi...calls me (way too early) and asks me if I would like to join him on a road trip to go play the Cajun Bozos in some swampy outpost I have never visited. Hmmm....kind of tough to say no when he is in my backyard. Coupled with me about to go OUT OF MIND with the online poker experience the last two weeks. So thinking we are going to leave at around 7pm, he shows up at my house around THREE and pesters the shit out of me until finally I get my act together and we leave around 5:30. Watch that movie with Matthew McConaghy where he plays the guy who makes football picks. Then Dazed and Confused. One of his speakers blows out in his stereo as we are pulling into this Mosquito Mecca. Unlike the way I WOULD HAVE REACTED, he summarily dismisses it. I would have come completely unglued. We differ there.

Getting checked into our room we discover, like Tunica, that we get to spend ONE day in this room, a SMOKING FUCKING ROOM...and then tomorrow get moved to a different room. Awesome. The blame? Sorry...that's the reservation department. Hmmm...sound like anyone else you know? (Harrah's Tunica maybe?) I ask if we can hold onto the baggage cart since we have to check out when we wake up. (BTW the tourney starts at 10-freaking AM) Lady tells me no, they need it back. I am sitting here looking at it right now as I write this.

Back to Brandon's Blog. After badgering me all day and night to read his blog, I finally just did. I pretty much anticipated what I would be reading, and of course, I was correct. We have two completely different writing styles. I, of course, write to amuse and/or entertain you. I share details of my life that may or may not be wise. I don't spent TOO much time talking about poker, but do manage to reference it on a reasonably acceptable basis to merit appearance on a poker-related website. Mr. Jarrett on the other hand, is ALL POKER, ALL THE TIME. Just like in real life. I suppose if I would ever just stop and take the time to listen to his poker drivel...I might actually pull some good ideas from him that might help my poker career. Maybe learn something. But...being Monkey...I pretty much DONT listen to ANYONE regarding these types of things. Its what made me such a fabulous employee for the all those assholes I worked for over the 20 years of my 'real job working life.' See, I don't think poker needs to be OVERCOMPLICATED. I think poker is a pretty easy game. The millions of hands you play teach you what you NEED TO KNOW about the game, the rest is just how you apply what you have learned in certain situations and against certain players. You have guys writing books, developing SYSTEMS...come on! Its all a damn joke. There is no SURE SYSTEM to winning at poker. Knowing you opponent? Yep. That is key. Knowing the game....duh, no shit...pretty important. But its mainly this...you are blessed with a certain amount of talent to play this game. The rest you gain through experience, common sense, and the ability to learn from past mistakes. Pretty damn simple. Oh and one really important ingredient in poker is ACTUALLY GETTING SOME PLAYABLE FREAKING HANDS!!!! I listen to Brandon start talking about hand play and I find myself fading off into oblivion...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

BTW, almost forgot. I am now officially a PAID journalist. A guy I used to play street hockey with in Atlanta works for a magazine now in Atlanta. "J'Adore, The Hollywood Edition" one that caters to African Americans. A few months ago he asked me to write a poker article for his magazine. I wrote what amounted to a 6 page article. It finally came out last month. It came out as a two page, edited article. Came out pretty good. I was impressed. I also got a CHECK FOR FIFTY BUCKS! Sweeeet!

Brandon and I decide to go check out this casino. Maybe there will be some sit n gos we can get into. Maybe we can register for the tourney tomorrow, a $300 buy in, early, and get a good seat. You know? Something other than the 1 or the 10 seat. We walk in...and whoa! Nice casino. (dripping sarcasm) Scary people everywhere, sporting fashions from...well...not sure if what they were wearing are from ANY era I can recall. The cocktail waitresses were all very HARD on the eyes! I mean...HARD. Yikes. Not that I came up here looking to meet a hot waitress, its just nice to walk into a casino and see fabulous ladies carrying trays. Not happening in this place. Oh..almost forgot to mention this....driving in we discovered the BIGGEST PARKING LOT either of us have ever seen...except maybe for the one at Disneyland/Disneyworld (take your pick). The reason for it? Can't think of one. Unless maybe they have the State Fair here once a year and its set up in their parking lot.

We find the poker room. Pretty large. About 15 tables it looked like. But the tourneys are taking place down at the END of the casino, in the MIKKO center, which I'm pretty sure looks like a bingo hall! It was 10:45pm. Sit N Gos? Sorry sir they stopped at 10pm! Huh!??? [as I write this Brandon just discovered some DNA on his blanket on his bed!Try to envision him as he freaks out right now!] Cash room is pretty full...but there is no money in play on any of them. We decide to register for the tourney tomorrow. We are kind of seeking numbers to see what to expect. The lady doesn't know how many were in today's $200 tourney. So she guesses. Cant tell us how many are registered for tomorrow. Why? All you have to do is look on the computer. Oh!!! I see...you don't HAVE a computer! They do their buy ins with one of those receipt pads! You buy in, get a receipt, and show up the next day and DRAW a seat number! OMG! Hilarious! For each tourney they STOP selling entries at 400! Why? They only have 40 tables. Ever heard of alternates? Apparently not. Wow. Are we on Mars? What in the hell is going on in this poker world? We pay for our mystery seat and go back to the hotel room. The smokey one. [cough cough]

I am going to be all over the road in this blog....like a drunk driver. Coming up in a future paragraph you have Monkey's latest restaurant review to look forward to...the one from Monkey and Squirrels dinner experience at Ruth's Chris at Hard Rock on my birthday Monday night.

Before we go there...I have to say something about Wild Bill's Blog. I don't read a whole lot of blogs...anywhere. But as I share space with these boys, I feel I owe it to them to have a look once in awhile. I read about 20 pages of Bill's the other night. For those of you who REALLY know me, you know it takes a LOT to make me laugh at other people. I laugh at myself all the time. Not sure why. Usually in a self deprecating fashion. So, I am reading Bill's blog, and I am laughing my ass off. Then I get to his "Random 25 thoughts." Holy shit. You guys know this deal they have going around with the FaceBook'ers right? They started that 25 Random Things About Me that they fill out and then forward to a bunch of people to read and then do theirs. I find myself being pressured when someone does that to me. SHIT! How the hell am I supposed to sit down and come up with 25 Random thoughts about ANYTHING!?? So I delete that link/request. Well, Bill decides to post HIS on his blog, which I thought was pretty funny. I would like to know if he came up with all of these in one sitting, or if they were compiled over a few days or even a week? I really need to know. Have to know! Because I will be honest. I am not capable of doing it in one sitting. I just KNOW that if I try the first 8 or 9 might be interesting or funny...but then as I was scrambling to fill the whole 25 I would start forcing them and coming up with some that were/are just STUPID. NONE of Bills are stupid or contrived. They are all hilarious. I am really feeling the pressure to measure up. So for the next week, I will be making VOICE notes on my Blackberry every time I think I have come up with a gem. Yeah, I know...I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I am planning to rise to the challenge! I am BRINGING IT BILL!!!!!

Hell, lets get right to the Ruth's Chris review. Its my birthday. I am 42. Squirrel has offered to take me ANYWHERE I WANT TO GO. Sweet. B.R. Prime is closed on Monday's. Dammit! So we try 'the other steak house.' We ate here a couple months ago...and frankly, it was unimpressive. Steaks were both overcooked. Big, big snafu in a steakhouse where they charge over $40 for a steak. We try anyway. We go early...I'm talking 5pm. They open at....5pm. She wants to get there early so the are all in a good mood, the food is fresh...she puts a little too much thought into dinner plans sometimes. But she is right, no one there should be bitter or sporting an attitude yet, right? We are the second couple to enter. We are escorted to one of those private rooms, and I start thinking "hey, is there a bunch of people around this corner about to surprise me?" But as we turn the corner the only thing in there is two four tops and one little table sandwiched in between them, which she makes a feeble attempt to seat us at. Ha Ha, nice try hostess. I don't think so! Booth please. We are seated. 9 minutes after sitting there we finally get strafed by a waitress who informs she will be right with us. Hmmm. Groovy. The hostess has proceeded to sit 4 other tables, all apparently in our waitresses section. What? $100 per person restaurant and they have ONE waitress working every table? That's impressive. 8 minutes later and she is still absent. So...that is 17 minutes we have been seated and don't even have WATER! Oh and the extra settings are still on the table. I finally move those to the end of the table.

Alas, a busboy...or 'server assistant' shows up and announces he will remove the extra settings from the table. Well, hey...that's awesome...bet you couldn't have just stealthily just taken them away from us without us noticing. He also attempts to gouge us into some bottled water. No thanks, just ice water and lemon please. We get water. Held the lemon. Hmmmph! 5 minutes later she arrives. Well by now we have memorized the menu and are anxious to give her our entire order. So we do. This is officially the LAST time we see her for anything other than the occasional fly-by to ask if "everything's okay" usually about 2 minutes after the person who actually BROUGHT us our food had already done so. Oh! And her arrival to ask if I have "given up" on my entree, despite the fact that I still have 8 cut up pieces of steak, half of my asparagus and a half glass of wine still sitting in front of me.

Back to the Pre-game action, I order two separate glasses of wine. A Red Zin, to drink with my appetizers, and a Pinot Noir, to drink with my dinner. Pretty sure when she brought them out she misidentified them. So when dinner arrived and I went to drink my Pinot Noir, it did NOT taste anything like Pinot Noir. Because I don't think it was. So the manager, who I remember from my last visit comes out to offer his empty apology for the mixup. I watched him make the same journey to two other tables around us during dinner, apologizing to diners' whose steaks were overcooked. Damn! How many times a night does this happen at this place? I would LOVE to see their food cost. Dinner was over $200. The service was on the level of a place where our bill would have been $57. Like say, maybe....Chili's. This place has a LOT of improving to do. I worked in fine dining for years. I didn't really ENJOY it...but I was damn good at it. And it makes it very hard to dine out. I worked in places where ALL the waiters had good to excellent wine knowledge. It is rare to find these days. Refreshing when you DO find it, but rare. And this place....the waiters have almost NO wine knowledge. Its embarrassing. Okay, I am done with that place.

The day before my birthday, Sunday...I played all the major tourneys on PokerStars. Kept getting a lot of chips in ALL of them...then getting DONKED by assclowns for all my chips. By 3pm I had lost my chat for a 24 hour period. I buy into the Sunday Million, which had a RIDICULOUS 13,267 players. Holy crap! First place was $286,000! Please can I have 'a day!' The first five minutes go very badly. I have that guy at the table who likes the fun move where he RE-raises the guy who raises behind multiple limpers. That guy was ME, twice. Raising with JJ once and AK the other time. I called his damn re-raise on both occasions and missed both times. So right away my 10k is down to 7500. I am now wanting to kill this guy, while at the same time trying to stay rational and remembering that I am playing for a quarter of a MILLION dollars! In late position I raise with 77. The shithead (with his picture in his avatar, big-eared little bastard!) RE-RAISES me AGAIN! That's it you little punk. I RELEASE THE HOUNDS! ALL IN! And he INSTA-CALLS with what else? Come on....anyone/everyone on POKERSTARS (except me and maybe 5 other good players) WILL NEVER FOLD and ALWAYS SHOVE with......ACE KING. OF COURSE! Well, at least I am ahead. Flop? Blah-blah-KING. But of course. Turn? SEVEN!!!!!! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Suck on that punk! Monkey doubles to 16K. Then from there I kind of ran over the table. I get to the second break with 55K and am now starting to have fantasies about paying off every bill I owe, paying off my house...and having about 150K in my bank to manage very carefully over the next three years.

At the same time, Rooster is ALSO in the Sunday Million. Rooster? Really? He HAD to have satellited in. Yep, he did, using FPPS. Hilarious. I didn't know he was in. But he was, and had a respectable 43K. At this time we swap 15% on anything from 55th to 2025th, and 10% on anything better than 55th. We are about 400 from the money and I make a horrible play. With 66 from UTG+1 I raise with 66. I get one caller. The flop comes 10-9-3. I figure (hope) he was calling me preflop with something like AQ/KJ suited. I bet out (at a 15K pot) 8K after having raised 6K preflop. He calls. Just calls. Rainbow flop. Hmmmm. Well, now I have 38K and he has 18K. Next card is a 3. I just have to hope I can get him to fold, or that he's open ended or something. I put him all in. He insta calls and shows 999. OH SHIT! Down to 20K. Son of a bitch. Fabulous. Now I am in danger of not even cashing...which to cash was good for $525, a pretty damn good number. I am down to 14K (blinds 2k/4k) and Mr. Aggressive behind me raises when I look down at K10d......which as we all know, I HATE. King Ten...is that the hand I really want to go out with? Don't really have a choice. I move in. He of course calls with his A6 offsuit. Nice hand sir. I spike a 10 and double up. But I still need chips. We are getting closer to the money, but I really need chips. Blinds are eating me up. Meanwhile, Rooster is hovering around 50 or 60k. Good shape for him.

Sitting on the button I pick up QJs. It folds around to me. At 1500/3000 I raise to 12k. Dude in the SB who has been re-raising a LOT when raised, does it again. I fold here and have 18K left...or take a shot that he is doing it with a bad ace, or a small pair and I hit one of my live cards. I'm about to time out when my instincts tell me to call. I call. He has AK. Oh hell's bells. But I feel pretty good when I flop a JACK! Oh hell yes....could I be about to get back to over 60K!??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.......KING ON THE DAMN RIVER...and I am OUT! DAMMIT!

So I turn my attention to Rooster. It becomes a 4 hour odyssey. I am in there with him on every hand, sweating it out. He goes on long stretches of no cards...gets down to the felt, and picks up a big hand and gets a double up. Up and down for three hours. He gets into the money...then keeps picking up chips and pay spots. With about 1000 left and needing a double up, he moves all in with 66...and runs smack into the BB holding AA. He runs out 5-7-8-9-10 for a straight! Then another time...holding JJ in the BB, with 128K in chips and close to another pay increase...a guy just OPEN SHOVES 121K. Blinds were 3000/6000. We briefly discuss it and I tell him I think he should call. Guy has AJ or A10....trying to just steal a round of blinds. Obvious he doesn't have AA/KK/QQ. Maybe AK, but I don't think so. He calls. The guy has, surprise, AJ. Nothing on the flop....turn card, JACK. OVer. Rooster moves up to 250K. NICE! And now we start dreaming about a final table on the internet's biggest tourney!

They get inside of 75 and Rooster is AGAIN needing a double up. He has been incredibly patient. He now has 1m in chips, but the average is 1.6m. No big deal, no reason to panic. Then it happens. The retard who has been making stupid bets for the last two hours, makes another one. He is sitting with 1.2m chips. Rooster has 1.1m. He raises 448K on the button. Rooster has KK! Nice, the guy CANNOT fold. Only one thing to do here...Rooster shoves, the guy calls and flips over AJ. ACE JACK again. OMG...ACE on the flop. And it holds. Rooster cashes for $3500. Ships Monkey $525, and I am back to even on the day. (yeah, it was a brutal day!) But I was happy for Rooster, it was his best online finish ever. And 74th in the biggest Sunday Million field ever is pretty damn impressive. Still...that jackass misses his ACE and we are probably talking about Rooster making the Final Table. UGH!

I should have said something about this earlier. Squirrel and I went through a very difficult week after we lost our baby. But I sent out an email to all the people on my distro list, which I use for my various pools,and includes a lot of my family, my friends, former co-workers, pool players and fellow poker players. It numbers around 1200. In a span of 5 days we got emails from over 150 people. All very wonderful. It amazed me how many people have gone through this terrible experience. It really amazed me how many have had it happen one or MORE times, and then gone on to have lots of babies. Everybody was so nice. All of the employees who Squirrels works with got together and chipped in for the most AMAZING bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. What a wonderful gesture. Its incredible how nice people can be sometimes. But then again...she goes out of her way to do nice things for the people she works with more than any person I've ever seen, so I can't say I was totally shocked by their kind act. She loves those girls, and obviously...they love her. Must be nice to have people love you so much, I wouldn't know! ;) Ahhh...I did get some really kind emails from a lot of the dealers from all across the country. Again, thanks everyone.

New Orleans. Squirrel is going there for Mardi Gras on Sunday. NOT ME! Forget it. I am not into all that craziness. That is the last place on Earth I want to be while that stuff is going on. Call it old age creeping up on me. I hate having lots of strange people all crowded around me, pushing into me, with their gross sweaty bodies...all drunk. Ughhhhhhh! The only thing I want out of New Orleans is some damn information about this tourney coming up in May. Now that Jason has decided to split, are we going to get HOSED again by Harrah's? Why cant they POST the dates, and POST the structures AHEAD of TIME...for us pro's who like to plan out our year in advance and not wait until the last second to decide where to go and play? Rumor has it that Jack Effel has sent them the structures that they will be required to use. I don't think that bodes well for us players looking for improvements over there. If they screw us again, I am willing to lead a boycott of that place until they LISTEN to us players and GET IT RIGHT! Gawd...Jason and I had worked that thing out to where it was going to KICK ASS....and now? Man, just ONCE I would like to go play a Harrah's event where everything was flawless.

Speaking of Harrah's events with unrealized expectations...this just in from Cub...who we talked to on our way over here. Council Bluffs, Iowa is running their circuit event right now. Brandon WAS going there...but bowed out last week. Well Cub decided to go up there. He called to tell us he won the $1500 buy in event. WOW! That's great news, especially for a guy who has been running ICE cold since last fall. I am very happy for him. He needed that! The bad news? He won a virtual 4-table sit n go! There were a total of THIRTY SIX PLAYERS! So he 'only' won $20,000. It paid 5 spots. And since there weren't over 60 players he earned no POY (player of the year) points. THAT SUCKS! He did, however (feel my envy here) win himself his first WSOP CIRCUIT RING. And that is great. So regardless of the size of the field, big CONGRATS go out to Cub for his score up there. In looking at the field sizes of all of their other events up there...its been abysmal. I mean....AWFUL! There is talk that they might not get enough players for their $5k Main Event to even PLAY IT! Wow! You talk about embarrassing! Now, is that the economy? Or just bad planning and execution. I will let you all be the judge. But I think I know the answer to that one.

Coming up next after this little Coushatta diversion is the Spring Classic at Goldstrike in Tunica. After that they all come back to Biloxi for the...ready? SPRING BREAK CLASSIC. Spring being the operative buzz word there. Last year, I started my kick ass year with a KICK ASS week in that Biloxi event. Four final tables, 2 second places, 6 total cashes. Yeah, it was a good week. I'm not going to lie, that is going to be hard to beat. As far as the Tunica event? I am NOT going back up there. In September, I go up there, and Squirrel has to put our dog to sleep. This month, I went up there...and we lost our baby. Jeezuz, what dies the next time I go up there? And frankly, I am just sick of Tunica. So I am thinking I may go out to Reno. They have a great event going on from March 26th to April 12th'ish. Lots of added money (total of $100,000) and small buy ins. I have always run good in Reno. But haven't been for a couple of years. If I can get a decent flight out there, I think I will make the trip. Hotel rooms are only $45 a night, and I think Brandon might want to make the trip. Maybe I can rally up a large group of us to make that trip. They also have a pretty good strip club out there! (The Wild Orchid) Cant say that for Tunica! Plus my brother and his kids live out in the Bay Area, maybe I could take a day or two off and go visit them.

My backer...what a life. She is great. I hadn't talked to her in a couple weeks, and I have yet to balance our spreadsheet after the Tunica trip. Pretty sure we are in the red, though. Hate that. Just cant wait for the day I cash over 100k in a tourney and ship her like 30K and have 20K still on the books to play with. We were almost there after the New Orleans May juggernaut...but Vegas decimated most of it over the summer. This despite 13 cashes and 4 final tables last summer. Man, poker is a rough business! Gotta get those TOP THREE finishes to make hay! Well, anyway, she calls me yesterday and requests a PLAN for the next two months, as she and her husband are about to embark on a THREE WEEK CRUISE to the Mediterranean!!!! Wants to make sure I have what I need before she leaves! What a life! Last year it was a month in France! I am blessed to have her in my life! I just want to make something happen to eliminate ANY doubts she may ever have had or have about entering into this venture with me. The day I win a million dollars and cut her a check for half a mil is going to be the happiest a man who is writing a half million dollar check to someone else could ever be!

Monkey's Recent Poker Achievements? Well, I played 4 tourneys at the Beau. Played the 20K guarantee last Sunday. Missed the Saturday tourney because I had NO idea they had changed the start times to 11am. Whoops. On Sunday I got about half way through and lose to Jerry, whose last name I always forget. Why do I feel like I already wrote about this? Anyway, I go all in with A7...from UTG...he gives the "oh why the hell not" call with K9 spades.....I flop an Ace...and he goes runner runner for the flush and I was out. I skip Monday and Tuesday's tourney. On Wednesday's tourney, I sit down about 20 minutes late. First hand I chop with another guy. Second hand I get 44. I limp for 100. Guy behind me makes it 400. Damn. Guy behind HIM calls. Another player calls. Lady in the SB calls. Wow....I CANT fold now! The flop comes J-10-4. Two diamonds. YAHTZEE! I check (of course). First raiser makes it 1500. Guy behind him...CALLS! Yeah, just calls. Next guy folds. (wow, someone MISSED that flop?) The lady CALLS! (she has, ready? A-10) And Monkey? Well...duh! I KNOW I HAVE THE BEST HAND...right? Unless of course the 2nd guy just smooth called with JJJ. Well....you will like the rest. The first guy...who is holding AA....calls my all in. As does the next guy who is holding KK. The stupid lady folds. Turn is a Jack. Oh God. Don't do it. The river is another 4. Sweet. Quad You Very Much! And I am sitting on 35K! As all tourneys go when I start out with a lot of chips, I suddenly start to lose them. My KK raise UTG is called by the idiot who calls almost anything when he is on the button. Yeah, I guess he feels the button gives him license to play like a fool and hope to get lucky. Well on this occasion he is sporting 6d8d. Flop comes 10 high with 2 diamonds. I'm not going to bore you with the rest. I bet big. He calls. Turn is a diamond. My flush alert is out so I just check. He checks. Check??? What? Isn't that what you called my flop bet seeking? River is...I don't remember, I bet rather big. He re-raises amount that says "You are drawing dead please call me." FUCK! I look at this guy like I wish his dog would rabies and attack him in his sleep. I just KNOW he has some dogshit flush. I finally fold KK face up...and he shows me his hand. Oh how nice....a straight flush. No wonder he checked the turn. Fucker! A nice 15K hit. I go on an up and down journey and somehow make the final table.

Well, of course now its Red Snapper and Snap Monkey time. All but three players partake. I start making my customary "now-we-are-drinking-red-snappers" run. We get down to 5 and I am now 2nd in chips and feeling very good about my chances to pocket the $1450 for first. I know...big deal, $1450. They all want to chop at five? Huh? Chop!?? There is nothing to chop!?? Nope, no thanks. I'm okay with going out 5th for $400 if that's the case. But chopping now is stupid, besides, I think I am winning this. Well, I go out 5th! Guy raises, I look at AQ. Think I really must have the best hand. He happens to be chipleader. I re-raise all in. He snap calls and rolls over KK. Oh! Ouch. It holds, in fact he turns a set. See ya. Dont regret how I played it. Not at all. He just wasn't supposed to turn over KK. No big deal. I had a 10% save with Rooster, and he collects a little tip from me, as I had from him when he cashed on Sunday. He would then go on to cash the next night. Me? Not so much. Sitting at a table with a bunch of total morons, and Carol the dealer...who kept making comments that were pissing me off...I made a play that I felt was worth making. I had already lost in the first round with AK/AQ/AK...no one would fold to any raise, and my continuation bets were being met with "ALL IN!" I was about to snap. Carol is telling me I am on tilt. To which I reply "Carol, I am perfectly capable of being PISSED OFF without actually going on tilt!" And with that I hid behind the gentle padded earphones of my newly acquired BOSE headphones that my Mother got me for my birthday. A few hands later I am in the BB with A4d. 6 limpers come in for 100. The flop comes 10d-8d-4h. Nice. I check (of course, Captain Check Raise in da Housssse) The lady to my left, who weighs about 95 lbs, has short spikey blonde hair like Pat Benatar, and these fake breasts that look like two oranges stuck to a chalk board (and is about 45 and wearing the outfit of a 24 year old) bets out 350. She gets two calls...then the guy who LOVES to RERAISE people with NOTHING (he has already demonstrated this tactic twice already) decides to make it 750. Some of you may know this clown. And I say clown not knowing him personally. I say clown because (a) I hate the way he plays and (b) he is that jackass who wears that stupid visor that has the fake hair on top of it that would indicate that he has short spikey blonde hair on top. A hair-visor. While in Tunica I saw him wearing it and at first was fooled and thought it was really his hair, at which juncture I simply thought to myself "dude, arent you a litlte old to be wearing your hair in that style!???" Until I figured out it was a prop. It got ridiculous the next day when he entered the poker room not only with the same stupid hat on....but towing an Asian guy with him who was wearing the same stupid hat. OH COME ON!!!!

Back to the hand. I see a golden opportunity to scoop up....mmmmmm lets see....100x6, $600 plus $50 for the SB who for some unknown reason folded getting 12 to 1 on his money. $650 plus...$350, $350, $750...what's that? $2100? Yeah. So I send my kids out into the yard to rake up the leaves. All $7200 of them. The BEEBEES on the CHALKBOARD calls, after much angst. The next guy ALSO CALLS! And our little buddy with the stupid hat...INSTA CALLS! WOW, sure hope I hit a Diamond. The lady has JJ. Hmmm. Limp UTG with JJ? Good play. The second guy has, ready? Kd4d. Ha! Hat guy has an even BETTER hand. He has 4-8 offsuit, two pair. Well, a diamond and I am sitting on....about 35k like the day before. If I miss, I get to leave this band of idiots! Turn is a J, non diamond. Giving the Cougar Wanna Be a set. The river is a blank....I am gone, she has a ton of chips (I find out later she didn't even cash, nice!) and the cry of SEAT OPEN rings out through the poker room! I immediately leave the casino! That is the only tourney score I made last week.

My cash game odyssey at Isle was much more exciting...but as I look down at the clock in the corner of my laptop I notice that it is now 3 am in the freaking morning and I have to play in 7 hours...so I will write about that on my next entry. Hopefully, I will also have some happy tails from this creepy corner of the world, and possibly my 25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME to make you laugh, cry or scream. What you have to look forward to are stories of me showing bluffs to Squirrel and The Claw at the same table on the same night and getting the silent treatment from Squirrel for over an hour and driving The Claw to almost claw my eyes out! You get to hear about me and another player who decided to fake gayness and drink Buttery Nipples all night. You will hear about the crazy, nutso Poker room supervisor who went psycho on our table (Redhead Ive never seen before named Kendra) and had us all scratching our heads and thinking or saying "what the fuck was THAT all about!???" You will get to hear my take on the bathrooms at the Isle...which are apparently geared strictly to midgets, because like the rides at your favorite amusement parks, you must be a certain height to get on. Just walk in there one night...do your business, then go and try to resolve your personal issues in the mirror. If you are over 5'6 you will be staring directly at....YOUR NECK. I will share with you my valet parking story from the Isle, the one that has me sitting out there...waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....for 37 minutes....to get my car. Then the awkward moment when the guy FULLY expected a tip after FINALLY bringing my car. You will hear about the night we spent with the Skinny version of Santa Claus at our table...a man who may look like Santa Claus...but that is where all comparisons stop. A man who could use a shower/bath like I could use a top 3 finish in a $1000 buy in tourney! You will hear about my late night birthday gathering at our home playing YAHTZEE and UNO with five of Squirrel's hottest friends til 6 in the morning. You might even get to hear about me getting to clean up the house the next morning. You WONT hear about me winning the bad beat jackpot, cuz it didn't happen! Okay that's it...I have fulfilled my obligation and fired off another painfully long entry!!!! Good night everyone!

MONKEY