Well, HELLLO MARCCCH!

Are you kidding me?
Its freaking MARCH?
Already?
I barely believe it.

Well, I have exciting news to report. Pokerstars has traditionally kicked the living crap out of me for years on the weekends. I have developed a 'theory' that they skew their software on the weekends, due to the influx of what I deem as 'weekend warriors,' the poker community who plays very little, or is new to the game. I've always felt that I take way more bad beats and suckouts on the weekends. That I always seem to lose in the most excruciatingly painful ways. You know...having that AK, raising getting three calls, flopping K-5-10 rainbow...betting, getting a call. You turn a 3. You bet. Fish calls. River is a 7. You bet. He MIN RAISES. Huh? Priced in, you call...and see his K-7 offsuit. You punch the ottoman. Maybe throw something. Swear (obviously) as loud as you can. Make a note on the guy on the special notes tab. Contemplate a cocktail...or other remedies, and continue on.

Yeah...those are how weekends on Pokerstars generally transpire. On Friday night my buddy Bob "Westside Bobby From San Francisco" Smith, who is a dealer and occasional floor guy for Harrah's called me from New Orleans...telling me he was over there filling out all the bullshit paperwork to get certified to work the New Orleans event in May as a Supervisor. It was going to be a five day process. I knew what this meant. He needed a place to stay. Not a problem. He became our weekend house guest. And I got to see what 'getting certified' to work over there meant.

TWO WORDS. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T!

If, in your life, you think you have ever had it with ANYTHING, where life has presented you with an obstacle you simply find, IMPOSSIBLE to overcome and/or endure, I invite you to take on a task that will finally drive you to end it all. Try to get approval to deal or work the floor at New Orleans Harrahs. My friends, if you had seen this (a) you wouldnt believe it, and (b) you would find yourself secretly wanting to firebomb that casino. I am now hoping to God that place doesnt get firebombed, because I just implicated myself, didn't I?

Each applicant is required to provide DOCUMENTED evidence of EVERY job they have had for the last TEN YEARS! Names of employers, addresses, phone numbers, EXACT dates of employment. Where they lived. EVERYTHING about their life, FOR TEN YEARS. Ever had an arrest? Ever gotten a ticket of ANY KIND? They want a COURT CERTIFIED document of the outcome. Bobby sat and worked on this thing for TWO DAYS...literally put in about 5 or 6 hours working on this deal. I couldn't decide whether to laugh at him or give him a hug. The State Troopers of Louisiana, my nominees for biggest FUCKING MORONS on the PLANET EARTH! And we wonder why we get the WORST MOTHER*(*#(*&!! DEALERS of ALLTIME when we are over in New Orleans? DUHHHHHHH! NO mystery here folks. They make it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get a license. WHY? Does it make sense? Do they NOT want gambling in their city? You would think so, wouldn't you? As hard as they make it? These, I remind you...are the idiots who decided to make it a LAW to outlaw iPods in their poker tourneys because they have declared the iPod to be a "two way communication device!" Yeah, I kid you not!

Nothing about New Orleans has EVER made ANY sense to me...so why start now? Incidentally, Bobby just called (and woke me up at 1pm, yikes, HEY I was up til 5am winning a poker tourney) to tell me he got everything turned in, but that the CERTIFIED COPY FROM THE COURTHOUSE IN CALIFORNIA wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for them...that they needed a NOTARIZED DOCUMENT FROM THE COURTHOUSE in California to make it legit, which Bobby now has them sending to him...so he has to drive from TUNICA....next week, ALL THE WAY TO FREAKING NEW ORLEANS....so that he can present this stupid piece of paper to these buffoons. So he can work this event, which he will probably get screwed on his payment like everyone else who works for Harrah's does. Why do people still bother TRYING to work for Harrah's I wonder? Nothing like a little 7 hour drive to drop off a piece of paper...then drive BACK! Does Harrah's reimburse him for this little inconvenience? Hell no.

By the way, the event in May is now finally being posted on Cardplayers website, and WSOP. But mysteriously missing is the structure. Hmmmm. There's a shock. But Steve Frasier (sic?) is running that event, so Bobby has encouraged me to think optimistically about the potential structure. Yeah, yeah, I'm not stupid enough to think Steve has the floor on that decision. I want to SEE the structure before I get even KIND OF excited about it.

On another sidebar...I won't mention his name in case this gets him in some kind of trouble...but another guy who works the floor for events, and who is a real good guy who does a great job...was in there going through what Bob was going through. They start pressing him on stuff that shouldn't matter. Long story short, he gets flustered and in an attempt to go storming out of the room, has his iPod snag on something and it rips the ear bug out of his ear (I think we have all done this move with our iPod) and it goes flying, it braises one of the State Troopers in the neck. Well, this started quite a fracas, one that almost resulted in this guy getting ARRESTED for assault! He was kicked out and told not to return. The GOOD OL STATE POLICE OF LOUISIANA...my NOMINEE for BIGGEST INCOMPETENT, JACKASSSES on the PLANET EARTH, not only for 2009 but for every year they are in existence.

I wonder how these clowns would react if we all just BOYCOTTED the entire event. Sent about 50 of us over there and protested out front of the place, with placards. "NO iPODS, NO JUSTICE!" "CRAP DEALERS, CRAP TURNOUT" "GIVE US QUALITY PRODUCT" "HARRAHS IS THE DEVIL" I can see it now. The only way to inspire change with Harrah's is to hit them in the pocket book. We, the players, control this game, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it as we are constantly being shoved around. Without us, without our money...guess what? There is NO game. No 17% juice for them to stick in their pockets. The bad news? Poker players are lazy...to inspire them to do anything that will help us is something that requires them to actually DO SOMETHING requiring energy and deep thought on occasion. Tough sell. And I think the guys who run these casinos KNOW THAT. So most of you will keep on showing up to these events that feature shitty dealers and shitty structures...then bitch about them the whole time. What does that make you? A LEMMING! So basically, what I am saying...is if this event in May SUCKS...and yet, you go...find this out after the first day, and STAY....do NOT, I repeat....do NOT!!!!! come find me and want to whine about it. Please. I am sick of you people who bitch, bitch, bitch...but won't do ANYTHING about it. I have tried, tried like hell to fight for us players to bring about change with these tournament directors. Sometimes, I know for a fact, I drive them CRAZY. But I see myself as the 'voice of the players' and despite even Squirrel wishing I would shut up....I will go out of my way to fight for change. I have been very successful I think. Got the IP to change their whole structure last fall, and it was a great tourney for the most part. Then Jason and I worked on this New Orleans deal...and thought we had a great tourney to look forward to...then BOOM, he leaves Harrah's.

My message? QUIT BEING LEMMINGS! Stand up for what you believe in people. You have a voice, USE IT!

This Blog entry is getting very long again. Oh well, such is life.

Back to my weekend of online poker. I say my weekend of ONLINE poker, because my one foray into the live game saw me go the Beau Rivage on Saturday for the 15K (or maybe its 10K, I dont know) guarantee that cost $230 (maybe $235, or $240, again, not sure) to play and attracted 91 players...so again, of course...no overlay. I end up getting seated right next to Rooster. Rick won the event on Thursday night...another one that ended badly for me. Dont remember how I went out...but I did, about halfway through the deal. But Rooster ended up chopping it heads up for $1400 each. We have 10% shares on every tourney we play together...and frankly, I need to get cashing becuase he has been paying me a LOT lately, and me not so much! But hes a good guy, and Im sure he wont start busting my balls about it. He knows how it goes. Well, he shot me $140 on Pokerstars...which when he sent it, my account balance was down to THIRTY TWO DOLLARS! Yeah! $32.17 to be exact!

Well, our table had a fella sitting in the 5 seat who the automatic shuffler decided was going to be his personal protege for the day. He gets 22. Calls a raise (idiot raises 150 in SB with AA after 6 players have limped in for 50) along with the other six limpers. Promptly flops a set...along with 5-8. Dude with AA isnt smart enough or good enough to fold a simple pair, and he gives his $5500 chips to the Chubby Luck Box. A while later, he has QQ, raises, gets RE-raised by dude with AK. Dude, older, with old hat from the 70's. You know the type. Pulls his cards up off the table and sticks them in front of his face. While showing the two players next to him. Always love that player. Lucky McLuckbox calls the re-raise. Flop comes A-K-Q. We lose the old guy. Felted another one! This guy goes on to felt 6 players, all before the FIRST break! I am starting to get very discouraged, folding one shitty hand after another. When I DO pick up a hand, I either get called and outflopped, or someone moves all in on me. Ugh....not feeling like its going to be my day.

Finally, I am in the BB....and a guy raises to 600 (from 100/200). I am now down to about 3400 chips (start with 6000). I look down at...drum roll please...good 'ol QQ. Ugggghhhhhh. Not again. Almost flat it. Then think about how pissed I will be if he is sitting down there with A9/A10 suited...very likely for this guy. Another farmer type sporting a bad tractor hat. Nope, I NEED to raise here. So I raise it to 1700, which basically kills my fold equity. He asks the dealer "can I raise?" Oh my God. Nothing like (a) not knowing the rules and (b)indicating to me that I am fucked! He re-raises enough to put me all in. I can't fold now, not even if he SHOWED me AA/KK. I call and tell him to 'show me your KINGS, sir.' And he does. A couple at the table give me a look that suggests I am psychic...and I collect my stuff, not even pretending to root for a Q. I know it isnt coming. I immediately leave.

Rooster texts me as the guy continues to felt people from the 5 seat. 4 more leave within the hour. If this guy didnt win that thing, or at least get top 3, he is the worst poker player of all time! Rooster would end up going out deep.

Can you believe I am STILL not on my online experience? Before I get into it...I was reading the blogs of ALL of our bloggers while taking a three hour bath last night. Something caught my attention. Guys telling us where they are in the POCKET FIVES rankings for their State. Huh? They do that? So I got curious to see where I am on there. So I pull it up. I see Phillip Walsh on there, in about 4th. QUARTERSACK. And I see a couple other names I know. But NOWHERE is there a THEPOKRMNKY to be found, out of 50 names. And I look at their cashes and points...and feel slighted. I mean, I havent been DESTROYING online poker or anything this year, but I am sure as hell scoring a LOT more than half of the people on that ranking site. Why arent I on there? Is there a trick to get rated?

Another observation on reading blogs. And one that comes from Rooster's 20+ text messages Saturday and Sunday. Poker Blogs are tricky things. Players who play a lot of hands (online and live) are going to see a LOT of bad beats. A lot of suckouts. Hearing about them from other players...it tends to desensitize you. You try to act like you care, because its your friend, and you WANT him/her to think you feel bad for them. But the truth is, you just don't usually. You just cant find the energy or desire to care that much. So knowing this, I really try not to incorporate individual hands and how they went down too much when I write for you people. Like I have said before, when I write, I do it mainly to amuse and entertain, or to share stories from the poker world that you may find interesting. I leave the 'breaking down of hand play' to guys like Brandon Jarrett.

Where was I? Oh yeah...Rooster texts me his bad beats online all weekend, as I am in 8-15 games at any given moment...taking and giving bad beats every minute, playing close to 300 hands an hour combined. I started thinking about doing a TEN GREATEST ONLINE POKER BEATDOWN HANDS for a weekend session...just to feel like I was contributing to the Poker Blog in a poker-related way. I would just write each one down as they occurred, and at the end of the weekend, I would decide the top ten and see if they were worthy of posting...for your reading entertainment. I did not start this weekend with that task.

I did almost have my 25 Random Thoughts and Things About Me done. I wrote them ALL in the place on FaceBook where they are supposed to go. Then, I thought I saved them. Didnt think to copy them anywhere. And sure enough....they went POOF! GONE! Not saved. So I am now back to the drawing board! Son of a biotch!

ONLINE WEEKEND! FINALLY!

Saturday, after busting out of the Beau tourney, sped home to make the 100k freeroll on Stars. To play this, you have to have achieved Gold Status. There were 8000+ players in this, with first place being $12,500. I cashed, but not deep. Then played and cashed (not deep) a couple of small MTT's. Played and lost some SNG's. Then I made my big score for Saturday. Played a $12/180pp deal. The ones I have been making a living off of all year. I go on a tear with 30 left. I am in the top 3 all the way to the Final Table. Get down to 3. I am the shortstack. Cant remember the hands. I just know that I made the comeback of the century and ended up winning that sucker for $596! Sweet! I dabble a bit later but for the most part I shut it down.

Cue Sunday. Sleep in late. Real late. Had something to do with not going to sleep until I was done with my latest book, "THE VERDICT" by John Grisham. I have never, ever been more disappointed with the way a book ended as I was with that one. I was pissed! I just laid there in bed...at 5:30am...shaking my head. Wanting to email John Grisham. DAMMIT! I am now moving on to another Stephen Coonts Anti-Terrorism novel....DEEP BLACK:CONSPIRACY.

Wake up around 1. Yikes. Bobby is out there getting ready to leave. Has to take all his shit over to New Orleans, pick up his buddy Shawn from the airport, and be ready to go in on Monday (today) morning to present his case. Yeah...exactly, its like he's going to court or something!

I play several of the MTTS...but I do NOT play the Sunday Million. My buddy "BANGER" played...I watched him get whacked with QQ vs. 55 when the guy makes a runner runner straight with him about to double up huge. Sucked. Then Mike, last name unknown...Ive got him in my phone as MIKE POKER FAST TALKER...cashes 25oth. Sure will be nice when someone I know really well final tables that monster. Preferably me, but hey, I'm a team player!

No, I dick around in the tourneys all around $5 to $30. I am now sitting on a fresh balance of around $800. Not as good as the $4500 I was at a month ago (granted I did transfer $2700 out of there) but also MUCH BETTER than the 32 bucks I had two days ago! Well, I would get deep in two MTTS, going out 34th in the $8.80 turbo (started with 2235) and 150th (started with 7459) in the $5 rebuy when my KK lost to A10, with me a chance to be in the top 5 in chips! Only $9k to win that bitch. Instead I won $80. Oh boy! But during the day I would final table FOUR times in the $12/180. I would finish 7th, 6th, 4th twice and 2nd no the last one. Throw in a win in a $16/18pp SNG, a 2nd place in a $12/45pp....and when I logged off I had $1400+ in my account.

A lot of this was done while locked away in the bedroom, while Squirrel and her screaming gaggle of 6 girls were out in the kitchen playing some card game I didnt feel like taking the time to learn. They had attended Wendy the cocktail waitresses babyshower earlier that day down the street. And all ended up at my house. The Claw came again, and again...forgot to bring me back my borrowed clothes. And Squirrels, who's clothes she wore out of here on her LAST visit. I guess if my house burns down with everything in it, I can go to Claudia's house and at least have clothes to wear for a week or so! A very strange observation on these women. At any given time, I witnessed all SIX of them talking (check that, yelling) at the SAME time....ALL OF THEM....and I am asking myself, do ANY of them ACTUALLY listen to each other? I had a vision in my head of those 6 little birdies in their nest, with their heads straight up in the air...chirping like crazy....waiting for Mommie bird to show up and drop some regurgitated (sic) worm goop into their beaks. I was wishing I could get my hands on about 6 worms. That would be funny. I think I even saw them looking up at the ceiling as they were doing their chirping, uh...I mean....talking!

MUCH better, and my TLB (tournament leader board) points had me dangerously close to the Top 30. Making that, to me, is SICK....since there are over half a million players playing on that site. So I reckon for the next five days before I head to Tunica (more on that later) I will play like a banshee to try to crack the TOP 30. Yeah, just in time for me to basically shut it down while I play two weeks in Tunica followed by two weeks at the Beau. I will end up having almost NO POINTS for the month of MARCH. OH well....might as well have THEPOKRMNKY show up there at least for a day or two if I can! It was a good weekend on Stars, I feel good about it! Nothing can kill my buzz!

So yeah, Reno didn't happen. Couldn't get a flight. Squirrel didn't want me to go either. Despite my recent disdain for Tunica, and Squirrel believing that every time I go up there something dies that is dear to us (our dog, our baby) conventional wisdom is telling us that I NEED to go up there. Should be big fields, the buy ins are low...and my backer is on board with it. In fact my backer is on board with everything...so I guess she is firing me off a nice check to pretty much cover these next two events...then she goes galavanting off to Europe for an exciting cruise for the month. I am highly motivated to WIN and WIN ALOT while she is away, surprising her with some good news when she comes home. She is long over due to get a big fat MONKEY contribution! So on Friday, I will head to Tunica and room with Brandon again. I think the rooms are $60...which feels a bit high. Maybe I can get lucky and get Ken to help us get some of it comped. Maybe? We will see. I mean, if we are playing EVERY event, and probably close to 50 SNGS, I think we should rate a break on our room fees.

So its March! Already. Bills are due. Again! Ugh! But...its almost time for March Madness. A very exciting time of year! And as I sat watching my Washington Huskies comeback and beat Arizona Saturday, after beating ASU in overtime Thursday...and locking up at least a share of the Pac-10 title (just need to beat WSU next Saturday, who is playing very well right now). I have sent out the announcement for my March Madness pool, which should be HUGE this year. It should be a very exciting month. I hope on April 1st I am writing a blog celebrating my Huskies about to play in the Final Four, me having made 5 or 6 final tables....and having had consumed a LOT of Red Snappers and Snap Monkeys! BTW, had a guy in one of my online tables with the name "Snap Monkey" and got kind of offended. HOW DARE HE!

ANYWAY...this long ass blog entry is OVER! I probably won't be posting for awhile. Okay, we know that is a lie. I will give you guys a pretty thorough accounting of whatever goes down in Tunica. You know I will. So have a great week everyone!

MONKEY