N.O. did NOT stink this time!

Wow!

I almost can't believe it. A couple of things I can't believe actually.

We arrived in New Orleans to meet our friends in a place I had never seen before, a place called Port of Call. It looked older than both of my Grandparents, who...incidently (incidentally?) are both deceased. But Allie swore by the place, so we went. GPS did a 'bang up' job of finding the place. We ate. We got drunk. We left.

We found Pat O'Briens. Amazingly, we both found parking spots ON THE STREET. Incredible how hot we are running! We found the back porch. This was the first place Squirrel and I came on our first official date, in February of 2002 when we came to see the Super Bowl between NE and STL...and came here and drank Hurricanes. Now we got to sit and watch a different couple giddy and and what Squirrel would later label as 'nauseatingly in love' (but cute) with each other. We would make our way to the piano bar...to watch and make song requests. Honestly...the place was pretty empty, the lady singing wasn't very good...and it was pretty boring. We lasted about an hour.

A little something here. Squirrel gave me shit because I tipped the bartender when I returned the glasses for our 'deposit.' They have this neat little racket that they run at Pat O's. You order a drink. The drink is, say...$6. But you get charged $9. You are being charged for the GLASS. If you decide NOT to take the glass, you can return it to the bar and get your money back. That is what I tipped the girl for, a $1. She called me STUPID. After hearing her reasoning...I am stupid. So...how many people do you think just leave their glasses on the table? And of those...where do those glasses go? I am guessing the bartender over there is also part Buzzard Hawk...waiting to pounce on those glasses...and turn them in, and putting the cash in his/her tip jar. And of those that don't go that route..its just a cash cow for Pat O's...but I'm going to guess Pat O's doesn't see much of that additional revenue. And on busy nights...when you have to push and shove and wait to get those glasses and subsequent 'deposit' back...you KNOW there are some who just say 'screw it' and drop their glasses. And for those who actually KEEP the glasses? Please? $3 for a freaking glass? We all know those glasses probably are being purchased for about .50 cents a unit. Nice racket. Moving on.

We get our deposit money back for our 3rd round and we split. To go check into our hotels and prepare for dinner later. Dinner never happens. We get into our room at The W, they get into theirs at Harrah's and magically, we all decided to crash and call it a night.

The room at The W...wow, I was overstating earlier how nice this place was/is. First, it WASN'T the W in the Quarter, but the one near Harrah's, which I had seen in May when I was here playing the WSOP circuit event. Frank Kassela had a room there, and when I came to see it, wasn't that impressed. First of all, the $30 they want to park your car overnight is a joke. Then they try to make you believe this crap at the front desk when checking you in...."Oh, Mr. Souther, we have given you a complimentary upgrade to the blah blah blah...suite, blah blah blah...." Mmmm....okay, sure you have.

We get to our room. Its tiny, borderline, microscopic. Same room Frank had. King bed (as I had requested), which was actually very comfortable. The bathroom was tiny. And in very tacky style the black wallpaper had taken on too much moisture and was peeling from the wall. Even the two framed pictures in the bathroom had taken on too much moisture and were now warped and starting to do that thing when cardboard gets wet, then dries, then gets wet again...know what I mean? Starts seperating? Looked bad. This place is all about the look of the lobby. Very 'LA' looking with the over-abundance of black everywhere, hardwood floors, spacious lobby area...with ultra-modern furniture. It attempts to carry over into the rooms, with the black-lacquer desk, the flat panel TV and the 'trip to the shrink' couch next to the bed. Its a nice try...but those of us who travel a lot are smart enough to see the 'swing and a miss' about this place.

We wake up the next day, get checked out...and go pick up Allie and Liv and go to Houston's on St. Charles Street. Allie went to Tulane a while back...for 4 years, so he knows this city pretty well. Him and Liv were going on a Swamp Tour later...sounds fun...but Squirrel had to work. Sure it was a fun trip for Liv. I was just happy that it was a very bearable 92 degrees while we were there, the scary people and the bums were low in numbers, and that familiar smell that always seems to be present when I am in Stink City were not very noticeable. It was, shockingly...a nice trip to New Orleans. We left Houstons, and headed for Biloxi. Squirrel left for work...and I....logged on to Pokerstars.

Things would start VERY badly. I quickly lost EVERYTHING I played. I want to say I was 0 for 8, so I will. Then I win a $12/45pp SNG for $154. Nice. Got me back to even on the day. Then get 4th in a $11/27 for a modest $48. Then..in a $12/180...play quite possibly the FASTEST final table EVER...and get heads up with the maniac...him holding a 3 to 1 advantage on me...then I get it to me being up 3 to 1...and just when I think I'm about to win $600...he sucks out on me on the river...flips the advantage...then takes me out with his A3 vs. my A6....3 on the river...and I win $400 instead. Still...a nice little evening session on "the site from Hell!" Then Squirrel got home from work and I shut it down. This is kind of shocking. Since I left Vegas I have run my online account balance from $300 up to over $1000. Not sure what to make of it.

It is now 5:17pm. I am contemplating going to the Beau and playing the nightly $120. Not sure why I am feeling that. What I need to do is sit down, and get my backers' spreadsheet done, emailed to her...and figure out how much I owe her and how much I actually have in my account after all of this summers' achievements.

PREVIOUS KAI LANDRY QUOTE/TEXT DELETED FROM THIS SPOT per request by KAI himself for his own reasons; my apologies for the 'gapping' here.

Okay. For a recap. First of all, I think what may have happened to me on Day 2 of the Main Event at the Venetian was that Kai failed in his duties to give me my Pre-Day 2 Monkey Slam text...which typically had been propelling me to Final Table happiness all summer. For those who do not READ Kai Landry's blog, and have not seen his various Pre-Game 'pep texts' to me and for that matter, mine to him....this will come across to you as the ramblings of a lunatic..which basically is what Kai is, but in a comical way, not a medical one. This is actually very funny shit. Kai won the Main Event up in Tunica, so he is of course reflecting back on happier times. I, on the other hand...have had heaps and heaps of bad luck and misfortune up there at that dung heap on the Mississippi River. I have had numerous cashes, but nothing that has given me that 'tear off all my clothes and dance naked in a cotton field' feeling that Kai must have felt after winning the Main Event up there. Puggy is what he started calling me after my almost 'heads up' battle with Amarillo Slim at the Final Table of the $550 out at Venetian. Slim went out 3rd. Puggy was Puggy Pearson, a great poker player back in the...hell, I don't know? 50's? 60's? No idea. Him and Slim had their share of battles. This text rant from Kai was followed by another one the next morning....

"Um, yeah, that was Ambien-babble. Entirely unnecessary. I'm gonna try to shoot for Tunica around work sometime on a weekday stretch (found out later this means they will NOT let him off for the weekend from the place he works, which really SUCKS for him!) will know more for sure Wednesday. I'm not sure what the rest of that stuff meant exactly. Lots of people seem excited about this tournament."

And that was it. Wow. Kai is definitely living in a Jekyl and Hyde state of mind isnt he? I don't care! I love the guy, and think he is freaking hilarious! I need that insane hilarity in my life to keep me coming back to the poker table. Because the other 93% of those mutants out there just make me want to take razorblades to myself! I have this dream of mine where I go to a tournament or a sit n go, and everyone seated are always the same players....Kai Landry, Allie Prescott, Mike Terril, Joe Cutler, Keith Ezykowich, Liv Boeree, Tiffany Michelle (for the simple purposes of abusing, both in a poker sense and simple clowning), Maurice Hawkins, Bryan Micon, Clint Tolbert, E-Tay (Esther Taylor), Matt Brady, Frank Kassela, Dan Walsh, Brandon Jarrett and/or Brandon Cantu, Claudia Crawford, Heidi Northcott, Jamie Gold (for ALL of us to make fun of and abuse), Charlie "Smoke" Oliver, Joey "Luckbox" Gross...uh oh...looks like we need another table here....Matt Russell, Bryan Lanoix, Rick "Rooster" Rudloff, Kevin O'Leary (who by the way got home to the UK and won some tourney over there yesterday...well done fuckbird!), McLean Karr, Phil Hellmuth (my dream! Someday, its gonna happen, and it WILL BE EPIC!), Russ Bozeman, and maybe his wife Andrea...if she is on at least cocktail number 5, and my boy Steve "Anger" Banger...if he could ever get his Canadien passport issues cleared up! Okay, so thats almost enough for a 3 table SNG or a very small MTT. I probably forgot a couple of guys/gals I would like to see there...but for now, lets just say that if I were to show up for a tourney and 8 of those 30'ish were at my table I would never quit playing poker!

Okay its 5:58pm. I am skipping the Beau Rivage tonight. I am going to work on my backers' spreadsheet and get that done tonight...and probably 'toil some' on Pokerstars! Now..here comes the challenge...hmmm...which box will you click? Which one!!???

I love this new feature. I think there are some who think that EVERYONE who reads their blog is reading it because they LIKE that person. I am not that delusional. I don't know whether I should be flattered that haters read my blog or offended. I think a good shrink would say I am supposed to be flattered. So I will be flattered. I just love it that someone will sit there and read something that takes at LEAST 15 minutes, just so they can click on....'WASTE OF TIME.' It's awesome. I got a hater to waste their time. Hahahahahahahahhaah!!!! On ME!!!!! Thanks! Come again! Please drive through!!!!

Monkey

PS: On another note, I am getting VERRRRY close to breaking last months record of 'hits' on this blog thing. There is a thing where I can check in with the total number of hits, called a hit meter I think...and with 8 days left in the month...we have a shot at crushing last month. Now, I am not sure...does posting a LOT help my chances of breaking it? Or hurt it? Good question. We shall see!

Welcome Home...Um...really?

Here is what I love about writing this blog....

Well, actually there are a couple of things. But the main one is this. Just when I think I will NOT have anything to write about for a few days at LEAST....fate hands me a douzy... and if all you mutants out there who think that its funny/cool to click the box that says 'waste of time' that I was so kind/asking for it to put on there dare to click on anything but 'funny' after THIS one...well, nix that. Its actually pretty funny to me that all of you who are clicking 'waste of time' are doing that. Its kind of like a Double Burn. I got you to waste your time, which to me makes me the winner whether you enjoyed the current article or not. Ha Ha!

Now then, I am sitting here, trying to bang this out...KNOWING I will never finish in time, its a RACE between me actually finishing it, and Squirrel hollering at me to "get in the shower, Souther!" And while this is going on...Allie Prescott and Liv Boeree and their never ending parade of text messages urging me to 'get squirrel out of bed and get your ass over here to New Orleans' as they are currently T-minus 125 miles to N.O. and counting...is further adding to my sense of urgency. See how important your guys' existence is to me. Not to mention the scores of errands we have put off to join our little drinking pals in Stink City. Ohhhhh last night was a douzy...the kind of night you are supposed to forget ever happened, to track down the team from Men In Black, find that device, and erase our minds of everything that occurred between the hours of 8:15pm and 3:21am. That would make life so much easier.

But then you wouldn't get this great blog entry.

Shit. I lost. The hollering has begun. I must get in the shower......I will continue this, probably on the drive over. I promise you...its going to be good.

Monkey.........to be continued.

Okay, out of the shower....now waiting on her to 'do her makeup.' Guys? We all know that means I could literally sit here and almost bang out a novel! A blog entry? Piece of cake!

So...we leave the house to go to dinner at our favorite (previously) little sushi place....Saki, off of Exit 50 in Ocean Springs. thats SAKI! AS IN...>DO NOT EVER EAT AT SAKI!!!!!! EVER!!!!!! SAKI SUCKS SAKI SUCKS! Its Sunday night. They close at 9pm. We know that, because we eat there ALL THE TIME. Or, rather, we USED to eat there all the time. We will never go there again. I am parking my car when this chick sticks her head out the door...oh, its 8:25pm...and tells us..."we no seating, we give last call..." HUH? I look at the door, nope, still says 9pm. Squirrel says..."sweetie, forget it, they are closing early...we don't want to eat there anyway, they will just spit in our food." Thats always her reply in these situations. And just when I thought I WOULD let it go...NOPE...I changed my mind. Fuck that. Thats bullshit! If it says 9pm on the door, then they close at NINE PM! I worked in the restaraunt industry for 15+ years. Yeah, does it suck when a couple walks in at 8:52pm? Sure, it does! But its freaking 8:25...and we just drove 15 miles to get there. Uh uh! I'm raising hell! So I walk in...see that there are like 6 tables in there still eating...now I am REALLY pissed. I go through the standard...'come here a lot, say nice things about them to friends and my blog clowns, etc etc etc' and ask for the manager. She's the manager. Ask for the name of the owner. She's the owner! WTF? She looks 12. She keeps repeating..."we do last call, we give last call." No bitch, you don't do LAST CALL! Bars do last call! If you say your open til 9, then you are open til 9! I ask if it will bother her that I never give them $1 of business ever again...and you know, she didn't seem to give two shits. So...with that in mind, I will find a new sushi restaraunt to visit. So now I am steaming, steaming mad....and we head towards Biloxi.

I remember a night when Johnny Groomes told me he was going to McElroys...across the bridge in Ocean Springs. I think "hmmm...maybe we should check this place out." Whooooooooops! We pull in. It looks like it might be nice. Oh man...then we walk in to what looks like one of those 'family dining' places you would maybe happen upon on a road trip through Nebraska. The waitresses are wearing what almost, at first glance...look like Waffle House uniforms. Then you realize...oh, its just bearing a resemblance. Other things about this dining experience would lead us to think we are/were at a Waffle House. I quickly noticed they were all wearing tennis shoes. Don't let this lead you to think it was so they could move around in a speedy fashion! That would just be silly!

One great thing about being married to Squirrel. Or any woman you have spent 8 years with, I suppose. You both share certain elements of communication, like the ability to watch things around you and both be thinking the same thing. About halfway through our 'dining experience' Squirrel looks at me...smirks, and asks me "Are you writing your next blog entry right now!??" I start laughing....of course I am! You're too good!

Ahhhh...we are ready to leave....okay, I will finish this on the journey to New Orleans...I have just secured a room at the Fabulous W Hotel...my little surprise treat for Squirrel, if you have never stayed at THE W...do it, the place is really cool. We are doing the one in the Quarter. Okay...be back soon!

Monkey....to be continued.

Okay. I'm back. Squirrel is behind the wheel. Allison is conducting a city tour for Liv right now, waiting on us. Squirrel's caffeine addiction has just been satisied (Coffee Fusion, a place you all are invited still to frequent) and my 4Runner's addiction to gasoline has just been satisfied as well. $2.22 for Unleaded in Biloxi! Awesome. We treated her to SUPER again...its the SHIT! Plus I'm squeezing another 30 to 40 miles a tank out of it. Its worth it....and the V8 is much more impressive runnin on the good stuff. Wow, am I really writing about gas? I feel a 'waste of time' click coming!

So back to McElroys. I look at the prices on the menu. Wow. Really? Appetizers $8 to $14. Entrees $16 to $28. Hmmm. So I am looking at Ruth Chris-esque prices...but uh...where are we? The freaking twilight zone! The dining room is overlit and adorned with those really bad-times paintings of the tug boats and shrimp boats...with the occassional fake trophy fish on the wall. The place is horrendous. Of everything on the menu, the waitress seems most excited about the 'homemade Ranch dressing!' Hey...thats what we came for! We heard about your 'World Famous Ranch Dressing!' Squirrel orders the Boiled Shrimp. It was served in one of those big plastic shells that I last saw in like 1988. After watching her face as she ate the first few shrimp, and then trying one myself, I'm not too sure the shrimp weren't also from 1988. Okay, maybe 1989. Frozen, defrosted, not served, frozen again, defrosted...again not served...repeat this 852 times before finally Squirrel and Monkey walk in and order it. FINALLY! SOLD! Horrible. She would finallly send it back to the place it came from, well...not really, since that place is now probably a dry lake bed somewhere. I ordered the 'Seafood Platter,' which is funny because you would imagine actual 'seafood' being on it right? Scallops. Yeah. And my Aunt is Queen Elizabeth. Some kind of wafer, shaped like a scallop that was clearly NOT a scallop. Shrimp? No no...these things were like those little suckers you put on your salad. More batter than shrimp. Oysters? Maybe..but they were so over-cooked that the whole oyster part of the Fried Oysters was no longer...just FRIED.....then there were these pieces of fish, not sure if that fish ever swam or not. But it would become Squirrel's meal, since she refused the wonderful offer of 'ANYTHING ELSE' on the menu. No thanks. I'm good!

As if the meal from hell couldn't get any worse...it, surprisingly, did. Squirrel and I were looking into each others eyes...oh no, not romantically, just sort of in a 'I wonder whats going to happen next' kind of gaze. Then it started. The vacuuming! I can't make this up. The waitresses cleaning their stations...and Allison drags the vacuum out and starts going to town, right next to our table. I just sat there...mouth ajar...eyes wide open...and Squirrel just starts howling. I just said one word. Kind of loud. "Really?" Wow. Then...as we are waiting for the waitress to pick up the check with my money (needing change) inside...THREE other waitresses come by our table...two to ask if everything 'is okay?' and one to swipe all the condiments off our table to refill and (hopefully) clean. No effort to pick up the check and get us the fuck out of there. Nope. Finally our little servant arrives. By this time Squirrel and Monkey are about to start tearing the wood panel off of the walls! We finally escape, and on the way out...an old lady is standing there, looking like the funeral home hostess...and she utters this gem..."I'm sorry things didn't work out for you." I can't even follow that up with anything good. It's going down as an immediate classic. "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you" July 18th, 2009. Granny FishStench.

Where to next sweetie? Lets go check out the new poker room at I.P. Okay. We arrive. In valet. (big mistake, it would take 20 minutes later to get our car...even though we were the ONLY people waiting for our car). We walk into the poker room. Big. Well lit. On the main floor. Art on the wall. Full poker room. Hmmm. Impressive. We both score a seat at the same table. Let the fun begin.

This is where I start my introspective mind meld. Lets see here. Just got home from Vegas. Best trip ever to Vegas. Argueably my best tourney run ever. Spent time playing against some very good players, and of course...your standard touristas and newbies. Hung out in very nice places. Watched/observed/interracted with some very attractive/interesting/intelligent human beings for 7 weeks. Fast forward. Now sitting in Biloxi. Having just had two horrendous attempted dining experiences. Now looking at the freaks from the homefront. Do I really live here? Not that I am hating. Well, not trying to anyway...but seriously...do these people even LOOK in the mirror before they leave the house?

Anybody watch the tv show 'Becker?' You know that guy "Bob?" Who always prefaces everything he is about to do with his name? "Bob is about to go outside and get hit by a car!" "Bob is about to raise...forget to C-bet, and then fold to ANY bet on the turn!" This guy in the 3-seat...was Bob. Looked like Bob, acted like Bob. Maybe even was Bob. I've played against this guy in Beau Rivage tourneys. He is horrendous.

This kid shows up on my left. He has ZERO personality. His game is less exciting, if that is possible. He has this face...its hard to explain..but he has these big bushy eyebrows, and whenever someone does something like re-raise him...he gets this look on his face. His eyebrows mash together...and its as if....well, put it this way: When I walk out to the kitchen, in a veiled attempt to get my dog Jasper a 'scooby snack' and open up the cabinet where they live, only to pull out, say...a hammer, I just turn...look at his face, and start laughing. He is totally perplexed. If a dog could say, "Um...what the fuck!"...then this is the time when we would hear it said. That is this guy. Oh, and everything is monotonal with this guy. On one hand...I flop top pair...who cares...what? A nine I guess. Maybe J9. He calls my bet. Bet turn. Bet river. He rivers two pair...9-5. He, in a very comedien-istic way delivers this beauty.....in his monotonally gorgeous way..."Dolly Parton! Nine to Five! Yeah!" I just looked across the table at Squirrel and chuckled.

Then there would be dealers who captured our attention and caused more laughing. One guy...okay decent looking gentleman. Seemed normal in every way. Was even a good dealer. Then I get the text message from Squirrel. Look at this dealers' hands! They are freaking me OUT! SO I looked. And what did I see? The hands of a 7th grader. Whoa. She was right. So thanks dear, now I can't stop looking at this guys' hands. Shit!

He pushes out, and in comes a new one. What in the hell is that on his head!? And those eyebrows...they look just like...anyone remember Captain Kangaroo? Or am I getting too old for all of you? Well, if you DID know the guy...that is what his eyebrows looked like. But this hair. Wow...maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen. Wait...I've seen some shit in my 42 years...no no no...this is definitely in the top 10 I think. I shoot Squirrel a text that says "Um, sweetie, what is that on his head? Is that a Fox humping a Timber Wolf?" To which she returns with..."Thats funny sweetie, I had this guy the other night, and OMG I hope he took a shower since then because his B.O. was so bad the other night I almost threw up! And how about that earring of his? Does he think he's a pirate!?? I think he is maybe a pirate! They don't have showers on Pirate ships do they!?" Wow...I laughed some more. And ohhhhhh there it is! The smell made its way over to Seat 8. Nope, he still stinks. But I couldn't get away from that hair. Okay...picture this...from just above the ear-line there is nothing but silver hair (he's older, in his late 40's at least) that wraps all the way around his head....followed by this reddish collection of fur resting on top of his head. Now could it possibly be a toupee? Sure. Of course it could...but the funny part to this, is I am pretty sure it wasn't. I think that he went out of his way to get creative and dye that part to look 'trendy.' I am waiting for the Bud Light voice over guy to discover this dude and make a Bud Light radio commercial about him...."Here's to you, Mr. Card dealing Hair in two colors, talking in a gruff military drill sergeant way guy!" I can only dream of that day.

Meanwhile...oh, I almost forgot...we are getting the shit kicked out of us. I am flopping a straight with 10-8 (J-7-9) only to not be the flop...watch a Q hit the turn and run into 'ol Monotone boy over there with, of course K10. Monkey gets stacked. Lose another large chunk with JJ vs. QQ when the board comes 10 high. See ya chips. Chase several straights and flushes and rarely hit. Oh, but they all certainly hit THEIRS when chasing. Yep...pretty much how I ALWAYS run when I play cash game. Doesn't matter where I am. Squirrel is losing too.

Then..."The Asshole Punk" shows up. Why do they always seem to show up when I am buried deep in my hole, in the middle of insisting that I can get it all back? He has his fat little girlfriend hovering over his shoulder...grossing us all out with her over the shoulder make out attempts every 4 or 5 hands. This kid and his 'too cool for school' way of doing everything is making me nuts. The way his flicks his raise out there, the way he looks at the player before over betting the pot. I hated this guy. Then it happens. He shows this other player the bluff. The total, unneccessary show of the bluff. To win a HUGE $14 pot. I cringe. Thats it. This guy HAS to go DOWN...and he HAS to go down HARD!

It only takes a few hands before we get into it. Something came out of my mouth...like "yeah pal, I only wish I were half the player you are." To which something came out of his mouth that sounded like "I know you do! You don't have a clue man. You have no idea who you are messing with! You think I'm some kind of rookie don't you!? You should leave man, you've already lost enough money tonight!" This is when I ask the dealer if there is a table max here? No? Good. I reached into my pocket and pulled out what I believe to have been $6,600 in $100 bills. Ricky Pelton was sitting across the table in Seat 4 and just started quietly chuckling. He had already congratulated me for my run out in Las Vegas. This apparantly went right over this punks head. Like it would even matter. He likely doesnt have cable or internet anyway. War was officially declared. Squirrel got that look on her face...demanded that we leave...."NOPE!" Not ready to leave yet, dear! She got up and went to the video poker bar.

Kid suddenly got very quiet. And very tight. No more raising 4x every hand. No more calling every one of my raises. Hmmm...its like going to war with the worlds greatest army and the other side digs a hole and closes the lid. Thats kind of fucked up. And no fun. So...I pulled in about $180 from the other 'players' and called it a night.

Met Squirrel at Video Poker bar. Watched her lose about $100 while I hit KKKK and won about $35 overall. Then we went and played 3-card poker. She lost $100. I won $5. Then I found her at the $25 blackjack table...ahhh...trying to get it all back sweetie? Yep. Another $200 loss. Ouch. I don't touch $25 blackjack! Then the half hour wait for our car. I offered her half of her losses back but she has too damn much pride and wouldn't take it. Okay sweetie. One way or another...she will get it back! You married guys out there all KNOW THAT! And so do I!

So yeah...that was our exciting night out in Biloxi in my first night home! Wonderful eh!?? So...NOBODY EATS AT SAKI in OCEAN SPRINGS! You all get that? EVER! And if you know of a great sushi place in Biloxi/Ocean Springs...let us know! If you own it, even better...I will give you a link on here for preferrential treatment! We are now 3 miles from the place Allie and Liv are waiting for us...lets see if the GPS here is lying to us...or if we go directly to Port of Call!

Talk to you all soon!!!! Really hoping not too see a lot of 'waste of times' clicked. Or am I? That will just tell me you wasted a LOT of time cuz this sucker is LOOOONG!!!!!

MONKEY

HOME FROM VEGAS!!!!

Ahhhhhhh. Got home sooner than I thought I would. Stopped in Baton Rouge to visit my longtime buddy Charlie "Smoke" Oliver and dodge 5pm rush hour traffic...then got home. Unpacked! Which I almost always put off for about 4 days! Then Squirrel got home from work early. It was nice to see her and the kids...to catch up, and to see what they had done to the house and the yard. Mercy! We can fix it, we have the technology!

This morning Allie and Liv called from Memphis. They are trying to talk us into getting into our car...drive to New Orleans, and spend the night dining, drinking and revelling in the things people revel in when going to New Orleans. I am pretty beat, as is she...and we really don't feel like going over there. But a small part of me knows that we will have a lot of fun. Its always fun hanging out with ALlie, and Liv is one of the craziest, funnest girls I've met in a long time. I'm 100% certain that her and Squirrel would be like two peas in a pod. Would surely be a great night.

I added a little feature at the bottom of each entry. Then I was looking at it and realized "Hmmm, thats pretty stupid. It says "Funny", "Interesting" and "Cool". Huh? They are all good categories. Like whats the difference between funny and cool? What kind of a category is COOL? Thats stupid. It leaves no option for those people who read this that hate me. So I just changed it. You know have, instead of "cool"...a category of "waste of time"!!! Better? I think so!

I am watching the British Open playoff right now. Squirrel grew up with Steward Cink's wife, Lisa up in Florence, Alabama...she has mentioned him several times over the past 8 years. Kind of hard not to root for the old man, Tom Watson...but I guess we kind of have to root for Stewart on this deal. How amazing of a run, though by Tom Watson is this?

Had no idea that LSU was travelling to Seattle to play my Huskies in the first game of the season...until a bunch of you started telling me about it, and how bad you are going to beat our asses. Well, I will say this: Ty Willingham left the cupboard bare. BUT! We have our stud QB coming back, we have a new attitude, we have home field advantage, and we have what I hope will be a great new coach coming in from USC...so I am not surrendering to you fuckers! Go Dawgs!

So, right around Houston, maybe Beaumont, I fired up Poker Stars and decided to try my luck at some online poker....hmmmmm...did I really want to do this? Well, the first game was a $12/180. 2nd hand of the game I get AK. I simply call the raise to 60. 6 in the hand. No way I'm winning this hand. So when the flop comes K-K-5...I start that..."Hmmm...wonder what I'm going to lose to here." I find out. I check. Player 1 bets 200. Player 2 calls the 200. Player Monkey makes it 600. #1 folds. #2 goes all in. Sigh....whatever, I call. He turns over....FOURS. Yep. FOURS. Goooood 'ol Pokerstars. You know the rest. Yeah. On the river. Well, I play three more games. They all turn out shockingly good. $12/180. I get 4th. For $158. Play a $22/180. Get 15th. For $42. Then play the $3 rebuy...with 7,504 other freaks of nature. I finish 224th, good for $81. And that was it. So in those 3 cashes, I won enough to pay for ALL of my gas coming home, thats how I chose to rationalize it! I know today them and Full Tilt were going for a new Guiness record for most players in a tourney. Gonna have to miss that. No way am I going to try and pull off that stunt on Day 1 of being home!

Being in my own bed feels amazing. The string of trips to the doctor should begin pretty soon. The list of ailments and possible surgeries is amazing! I am a wreck. One of the first things I want to do, after updating my backers' spreadsheet of course...is to join the gym that Squirrel is a member of, and getting my ass in shape!

Thats all for today folks! Just wanted to let everyone know I made it home in one piece, and didnt have my horse and buggy jacked by masked desperados on the way home!!!!!

MONKEY

Sleep when Sweating? Good luck!

I knew this was going to happen.

I am officially spoiled now by the Venetian. From now on, every hotel room I walk into I'm gonna turn my nose up at. Well, I left the Venetian at 1pm. It took a ridiculous half hour to get my car. Save the worst for last I guess.

Went directly to Fashion Show Mall and made a beeline for Marc Ecko...where I managed to once again find a crapload of new clothes to buy. So...for the record, those keeping score, I went crazy when I arrived...and went crazy before leaving. I should now be set to NEVER wear the same outfit again for the rest of the year!

Cruised by Wal Mart, picked up 4 movies from the Red Box. Skipped finding Wachovia. Then it dawned on me. Wow...I am currently carrying more cash on me than at any time EVER in my life. I do not have any weed on me...as I ran out nearly three weeks ago. But I do have my little fun collection of pills, not that I abuse them, because I do NOT...I stretch them out and use only on a 'need basis', nevertheless, the thought occurred to me:

Suppose while driving home a drunk driver swerves into my lane...hits me head on...I die instantly, and everything in my car goes flying EVERYWHERE...including a ton of hundred dollar bills, a bunch of pills, and a pipe used for...ahem, yeah. How is this going to come off looking? What will they say? The news seems to ALWAYS go for the negative spin, don't they? Will they think I was a drug dealer? Afterall...why would a guy with FLORIDA plates be randomly travelling through New Mexico, or Texas...or wherever, with all that cash? Kind of a freaky thought. I'm thinking of writing a note...and sticking it in my console, in the 'unlikely event of a water landing' or....rather....the 'unlikely event of death by drunk asshole driver.' Just so I can avoid having my reputation tarnished, and quite possibly, some corrupt police department taking all my money and holding it as 'evidence' instead of giving it to my wife and backer!

So anyway...spent a lot of time today driving through landscape that contained nothing but dirt and tumbleweeds. How depressing. Will this land ever be used for anything I wonder? What a waste. I notice gas is a lot cheaper than it was on the way out here. That was pretty refreshing.

So yeah...I get into this room and immediately notice the temperature of the room is not where it ought to be. I was hoping maybe they just turned on the AC. Well, its been two hours now. Its the DESERT! And this room is all humid, and hot and sticky. I don't know what to do. The goal was to rest up for the rest of this drive (about 18 hrs to go) and now I am laying here, sweating and miserable and unable to sleep. Pretty sure someone is going to catch hell tomorrow morning.

Okay. Dates for future tourneys. TUNICA July 24th to August 10th. Prognosis. Get home Saturday the 18th. Spend a week doing NOTHING. Keep eye on Tunica...looking at total number of entrants for first few tourneys. Spend weekend of 26th-28th with Squirrel's family in Orange Beach. If the environment exists...go to Tunica the 29th til the 10th. COME HOME. Chill for three weeks, play nightly tourneys at the Beau Rivage. On August 27th-30th, entertain the idea of driving up to Win Star in Oklahoma to play the $3 million gurarantee tourney up there, which has a buy in of $2200. After that...which I doubt I will do...come home and dig in for the Beau Rivage tourney....which runs from Sept 3rd to the 14th. While that is going on you have the WCOOP going on again on Pokerstars. You all have fun with that. On September 10th I will NOT be playing so I can go to the Kenny Chesney concert with Squirrel and her friends. Around that time I plan on also attending some football games. Somewhere. Perhaps more concerts. Yeah, Sept 14th to October 30th is going to be a time to have fun with Squirrel. Because I will be back in Vegas for the next DeepStacks event at Venetian. There might be a cruise in there somewhere. Not sure of anything right now...except that I am about to KILL MYSELF in this room!!!!!!!

Okay, not even sure why I decided to write a blog. If any of you found this interesting....wow. Oh yeah...before I forget...I DO owe you all something very huge. Its kind of a two part thing. A photo montage of my summer. And the HUGE BARN FROM VEGAS SPECIAL that so many of you have been waiting for. I'm gonna be honest, there are SO many to put in there...its going to take me FOREVER, and you bastards BETTER appreciate it when it IS finally finished. It's going to take me probably five hours to bang that shit out...so, stay tuned!

MONKEY

Last Post From Vegas....for awhile.

Hello? Anyone here? Am I like, the last remaining poker player in Las Vegas?

It's like this every year. Everyone loses in the WSOP Main Event. Then everyone either doesn't play the Venetian Main Event and leaves...or plays and loses and leaves. Or, if your a high-rollin big shot or got lucky in a satellite, you play the Bellagio Cup. Slowly...they start breaking down all the extra tables. Its a very depressing end to the summer. The crowds get smaller and smaller...the excitement dwindles. And then, it just ends.

It ended at Venetian last night at about 2am. Nick Binger, who was at my table for all of my 20 minutes of Day 2...and started the day out by raising with Ks4s...getting called in the BB by Mike Seca with AJ....saw a flop of J-4-3...which for some reason "Little Man" decided not to bet....didnt bet the turn either when a 7 hit....Binger did...then Mike just flatted...only to watch a 4 hit the river....Seca went broke there....and I guess Nick was on his way. Had Mike played that right...who knows? Poker is such a weird game. So much of it is purely situational and often times depends upon one magical card to determine your outcome. So Nick Binger won this year's Venetian Main Event...for about $377k...with no chop! Wow, great feeling he is having right now. Nice score, sir!

I've been getting a LOT of emails, and texts and phone calls congratulating me for a great summer. Some people seem to think I am 'playing better.' I can tell you this...I'm not. I am not playing any better than I was all of last year, nor better than I was playing this year from January through April. Nope. I just happened to have some hands hold up. I sucked out a few times when I needed to. I may have shown more patience...but deepstack tourneys will allow for that. I am laying here in this very comfortable bed...its 12:27pm, the Bellman will be here in about 33 minutes. I am looking at my 1st place trophy and my All Around trophy, that I got last night from Tim Mix (Venetian Tournament Director, who I then went to 'Cut' steakhouse in Palazza and had an amazing dinner with)...along with the prize money...which is safely locked away in the safe...and its giving me conflicting thoughts.

Should I go home feeling magnificent? Take a month or two off from poker? Feel great about life, about my game? Is that even possible? Or do I 'get after it' and try to keep it going? When CardPlayer does their next update I should move up to #125 on the rankings. I will move up to 6 final tables for the year. I made 11 or 12 last year...not sure what they had me for. I'm ultra competitive...do I try to top that number? Try to get inside the top 100 or top 50 for POY? Does any of this matter? Will anyone do an interview for the Best All Around thing? Something that might get me some run with a stupid online site? Or even a big-baller 10k backer? The things we strive for in this business? I mean, I love winning for my backer...and its great to make these scores...but every damn one of us dream about playing 5 to 10 events a year that have 10k buyins...to give us a shot at a million every time we play. Do I just slip back into total anonymity after this summer? I wonder. I know Squirrel would like to have me all to herself, at home, not playing poker for awhile. How long can I do that before I go bananas? Itching for the action? Is that healthy? Lots of questions. Maybe on this 26 hour drive home I will have some time to think all this out.

I think right now it looks like this: Drive home. Chill for a week. Fix the yard the dogs destroyed. And everything else. Bond with those crazy animals. Take a look at how many show up in Tunica for first few Goldstrike events. If the number is decent (like, over 250 per event) then probably go there and make an appearance. Come home. Chill some more. At the end of August is the 3m guarantee at Win Star up in Oklahoma. That would only be a 3-day deal. Come home. Beau Rivage event runs from Sept 6th-19th I think. After that....nothing. Then we might take a cruise. Not sure, of course. Probably take all of October off, or most of it. Because then...its Venetian Deepstack time again...Nov 1st- 27th. Pretty much the whole month. Then all of December off to spend the holidays with friends and family. When I get home, I am going to see about renting out a restaraunt of bar or something for one of the nights of the Beau Rivage tourney....and maybe we can have our big Wedding Reception/Celebration to enjoy with all of our friends and family. And then of course...we have football about to start. Yep...this will be a most exciting next couple of months. And of course I have to sit down and do the spreadsheet for the past six weeks...which should be fun....for my backer...and come up with a final number on how much I made her this summer. It will feel good to be sending a check the OTHER way!!! Sure she agrees!

So...there ya go. Good trip. Good memories. Didn't spend a lot of time with my 'other' Vegas buddies this summer, and that was kind of a bummer...but hopefully I will see them in November. Once again...a huge thank you to Venetian and staff for everything they did for me. I wrapped up my poker experience last night. At 2am I woke up and was craving ice cream...so I walked downstairs...sat at a $1/$2 table, called for in-suite dining...ordered a fruit platter and bowl of haagen daas vanilla ice cream. I bought in for $300. I got my delicious treat...wolfed it down....and cashed out for $377. Meal was paid for with comps. There ya go! One victorious free meal before leaving!

Now then...I have 12 minutes to get packed and get outa here! See ya all real soon! Thanks for following my shenanigans all summer, and thanks for all your fun comments!

Monkey

a damn K. Gonna go throw up, then maybe cry a little. Watch a chick flick maybe.

I'm out. Dammit. 1010 against this asshole who had already reraised me off of 77 and AJ on first 5 hands. I had to take a stand. He had KQ offsuit. Flop

The Mega, The Main...and 'Sick'

Tuesday 10:38am.

Laying in my VERY comfortable bed in the Venetian. Backer just called, we talked briefly, she is very excited...a nice change in her voice from, say...March...when I was running SO freaking unlucky. Before the end of the night last night I turned to the right too fast and felt a twinge in my upper back, lovely...and now have a pain in the OTHER side of my body now.

The plan is to go to the gorgeous pool here for a couple hours before we have to be back at 2pm to start Day 2 in the Main Event. Yup. Day 2. Watching Family Feud. Its amazing how stupid some of these people are. I mean....just STUPID. And what's REALLY funny...is how after they give a horrible answer how the rest of their family starts clapping and says to them "Good answer, good answer!!!"

Sunday was Mega Satellite day. I played the 4pm one. Sometime around Level 5...after running bad to start out, and needing a double up...I move all in with A10 suited and run into a pretty nice guy in the BB who I can tell doesn't WANT to call me with KJd, since I just shared a cookie with him that I got when dealer Jenn Chantnicky dropped me off a big tub of them. But he does, and a damn K hits the river and I was out of that one. Oh well, no hard feelings. I left gracefully, $550 poorer, and more frustrated, as the last three days had been miserable, continuing to get beat on the river.

I then went and played a $130 SNG. We would get to 200/400 with 8 left. Again. Once again I would get axed by an Asian lady. The one who looks incredibly like a monkey. And it pains me to say that. Her AQ vs. my 99...and the Q on the river iced me. Ugh. Whatever.

So it was time to play the 8pm Mega. Last chance to avoid having to buy in for the full $5k. This would turn out to be a pretty smooth night. I started good, and managed to maintain an above average stack all night. I got Kristen the massage girl to work on me...for a long time ($$$ zoinks)...but when she was done I felt a lot better. Got 88 to hold up against AK and suddenly had a fat stack, which I manage to keep healthy. 108 started, 10 would win a seat. There would end up being some drama. I got moved to a table with this jackass who's name I do not know...but he seemed to think he was the greatest player on the planet. At one point he tried to imply that I 'wasn't shit' and that he's won 10 times more than I have. I rather enjoy these people now. It feels good when you HAVE won things, and you dont HAVE to even tell them. Instead the rest of the table did. Letting him know that I have won twice at this event, and won the All Around Title. Ha! Suck on that you little assclown. He is this ugly little Indian guy. He would get a massage too. Ordering the girl to rub his face, and scalp and eyes. It was gross just watching. And he was a yacker. An annoying yacker. I was again in my mellow place all night, so sitting in the 1 seat and having to listen to him in the 2 seat, I was ready to stab myself in the ears.

He should have been down to no chips with 20 left to lose. Tight player from Germany raises with KK. This troll calls in the BB with Qc3c. Nice hand idget. Thats right...idget. Not midget. Idget. A word my parents used to use when I was a kid. Maybe I am spelling it wrong, but thats the word. Idgit? Germany flops a set of Kings. Troll boy checks (of course...with nothing) and Germany checks. Turn was nothing, but gave him a gutshot...needing a miracle 10 and ONLY a ten to win. He moves all in...for a SHITLOAD...and Germany insta-calls. Turns over his hand and the whole tables' exuberance is obvious as we are THISCLOSE to getting rid of this moron. Then...it happens. A 10 hits the river. Germany looks like he is going to cry. And the little asshole starts freaking out. We are all in shock. Then he starts crowing about how good he plays. I simply tell him..."You are a donkey dude." He tries to defend his marvelous play. Other players are telling him he's a donkey, too. He doesn't understand why he's a donkey. "Um, joker...when you called the 3x raise with Q3...that is when you became a donkey....duh." About this time he starts putting his hand in my face. I couldn't hear him...all I could focus on was him putting his hand in my face.

Now understand this. I will NEVER, EVER throw a punch in a casino. EVER. I will never get tossed for assaulting a player. But I had just about had enough of this prick. I looked him in the eye, and in a very low voice...said to him, "if you don't get your hand out of my face, I am going to remove it from your arm!" That's when the floor came by to say 'Hi' to us. I won that battle. He was told to shut the hell up. He never did. But I escaped to my iPod and just tried to ignore his stupid ass. Finally we got to 18 and on the re-draw I got away from him.

I will just cut to the chase. I won the MEGA. It was nice to win that again, and save the buy in. We got down at 3:30 am, very late. I got to my room at 4am and only got about 6 hours of sleep before we had to be back to play the Main Event. I actually showed up on time!

The first day was verrrrrry long. We had a pretty good table. Starting with 25k...I managed to pick up a lot of decent hands early. I got up to 28k, then lost a 5k pot when a kid hit a lucky river for aces up vs. my AQ that left kind of a mark. But I was hitting flops, a couple of sets and a flush and I was up to 35k when the average was 27k. I was cruising along. Then something strange happened. I think I must have rivered a straight against this lady, this Asian lady...who must have had flopped a set against me. I had an over pair...88...and the look on her face told me I rivered her. Well, after that she would get into EVERY hand when I either called or raised. Or she would re-raise behind me. She was driving me nuts. This coincided with a conversation over why we were playing with the GRAY 5k chips instead of the RED 5k chips. The gray ones are very hard to use because they are hard to identify. We all decided the reason for it was in case people from the previous days' $1k had maybe thought about 'smuggling' in some red $5k chips, in 'Men the Master-like style.' I had already heard a story from another player the previous day that he was POSITIVE that Men was at his table the day before, and that he was certain that on break he somehow brought an extra red chip into play from somewhere else. Wow. Well, I shared that story with the table.

When they broke our table after dinner break, with me sitting there with about 50k in chips...the Asian lady would end up coming to my NEW table too. After about 20 minutes, one of the other players asks her...."so, is your husband playing over at Bellagio in the $15k?" Yes...she told him he was. Huh? Who is your husband? Guess who her husband is? Tada! Men the Master, of course! Oh jeezuz. So now I'm wondering if she was trying to bust me for talking shit about her man, or...Men. Maybe that reason huh? Oh well, maybe if he wasn't a cheater people wouldn't have to talk about him.

After dinner break I got into my car and drove through a complete shitstorm, with no windshield wipers. In fact, the top was down. I would raise, someone would move all in. Or I would raise, get three callers, hit the FLOP...and still have to fold. I would FOLD A FULL HOUSE.....with 77 I flop Q74. I check, to check raise of course. NO bet. Turn a Q. Nice. Bet out...3200...guy (Nick, a guy I know really well from Tunica) smooth calls. Hmmmm....weird. Jack on the river, I bet out 3500. He raises to 10k more! What? I tank. Ask him if he will show if I fold. Sure. Can't believe I am folding a full house. But I do. He has JJ. OMG. Wow. Thanks dealer. You suck!

I do make one nice hand. Guy raises 4.5x before our table breaks. I have KQs in the BB...and need to get something back. The raise feels like a middle pair, so I think I have two overs. The flop comes A-K-3. I check, he bets light. Feels like a C-bet. So I call. K on the turn. Nice! Unless of course he has AK. I check, he checks. Cool. River, Q. Sweet. I bet light, he calls. He has just an Ace...and proceeds to criticize me for calling with KQ preflop. "Hey man, sorry, bad read by me...your 4x bet was telling me you had like 88/99...." Now, I don't know this guy...but he was completely decked out in Ed Hardy shit. I mean...he had it all. The fucking HAT, the Jacket (totally covered in sparkly shit) the shirt...probably had the watch too, but I couldn't see that. And to top it off those gay white glasses that all those fagboys are wearing. I had NO problem taking his chips. I am getting more and more annoyed with 'poker idiots' and this sets up my next topic of conversation....'SICK'

So its the 3rd break yesterday...and I walk outside, where my plan is to find a quiet little place...sit down, read my book and be left alone. But I am intercepted by some guy I played with 3 weeks ago...who wants to talk about my run of success. Boringggg. Then his buddy comes along. His buddy has his jeans turned up at the bottom, like girls do? Huh? I tried to take a picture, but he wouldn't hold still. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. Not sure if you are picturing this. Where they dont roll them up...but turn them inside out from the bottom, right? And pull them up like 10 to 12 inches. Picturing this? So they kind of look like he is about to go clam digging. Stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen. And then the two break out into this conversation about hands. The first guy acting all interested, and like he is the ultimate poker authority...."Uh huh....right, right. Yep, 3x, yep, three barrelled, re-raised on the backside, blah blah blah...." Oh my God..it was like, hey, lets see if we can use every fucking poker expression we can think of that we have recently picked up on 2+2, Pocket Fives or whatever book we are currently reading and use in this moronic conversation. People like this hang out together, and they have these conversations daily, hourly.....every minute. How are there not more murder/suicides among poker players? There NEEDS to be. I was ready to kill myself listening to these two clowns. And then IT started.....SICK.

Dude...that is SO sick. Dude, this was so sick. Oh my God man....sick. Whoa man...you should have seen this hand, it was so sick. Then I go back to my table, and the kid in the two seat (I'm in the 3 seat) must have used the word SICK as much as my brother uses the word FUCK. It was a verb, a noun, an adjective, a pronoun, adverb and transitive whatever word it is I'm looking for there. SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK. Please....ALL COOL POKER PLAYERS WHO READ MY BLOG.....I'm beggin you....NO MORE USE OF THE WORD SICK....unless you are using it to tell me how SICK you are of hearing people say 'SICK' like I am. Holyyyyy shittttt. And can someone please BOMB the Ed Hardy factory so we can be done with all of that shit while we are at it?

Back to the Main Event. I somehow survived the day. I am sitting on a meager 29k with the average now about 64k and 95 or so players of 260 remaining. 27 will cash. Its only $6000 and some change to cash. But first is a mighty deliscious $377k. Wow, I could (a) pay off all my debt (b) buy a house in BOTH Biloxi and VEGAS...and (c) send my backer into orbit! But I am going to HAVE to catch a nice run of cards today, and hope for a good redraw when I go back. We get totally new seats/table assignments. Last nights last table was a nightmare...a table full of HUGE stacks. Makes you feel EVEN smaller when you're on a table like that. Darryl Fish pulled quite the move on the last hand of the night. I was on the button with AcQc. UTG limps for 1k. Fish calls 1k. Another guy calls 1k. I am thinking of moving all in. But damn...I have 29k...and to move all in there to win just 6k seems pretty stupid...especially if someone is limping in with AA or KK. So I just call. The BB....who is actually pretty tight....raises to 6500. Shit. UTG folds. And then Fish jams all in for 32k. Dammit. I am 89% sure that this is a total move by fish to take down a nice 10k pot to end the night. Not positive, but almost positive. I have to fold. BB folds and shows AK. Probably a good fold on my part. At least I went to bed still having chips and a chance.

So...there we are. Needing a double up. Again. Every tourney I have final tabled this trip I have done so after being in this situation, so I am kind of welcoming this spot. No one expects me to do much. I am glad I made it to Day 2. Kind of feel like when you win a couple of tourneys and the All Around it would look bad to leave early. I don't know when I get my trophy and my cash. Not sure if they are going to do some kind of embarrassing presentation...or if they are just going to give me the cash and the bling. I'm rooting for the second scenario. Either way...win or lose today, I will be leaving Las Vegas with a big smile on my face and a totally reduced level of stress that I drove out here with. It's going to be a very pleasant drive home, I know that. Maybe I will stop by Austin, Texas and find that jackass who caused that whole mess at Ceasers and find me some satisfaction!

For now though, I am going to go find the pool, pick up some rays...then go back to my tiny chip stack and look for some magic!

MONKEY

Night over. Ugh. 28,900. Real short. 99 left. Blinds still 500/1000. Back at 2pm. Goodnight!

45 mins left. Recent shitstorm has left me with 30k. 107 left. 60k avg.