Welcome Home...Um...really?

Here is what I love about writing this blog....

Well, actually there are a couple of things. But the main one is this. Just when I think I will NOT have anything to write about for a few days at LEAST....fate hands me a douzy... and if all you mutants out there who think that its funny/cool to click the box that says 'waste of time' that I was so kind/asking for it to put on there dare to click on anything but 'funny' after THIS one...well, nix that. Its actually pretty funny to me that all of you who are clicking 'waste of time' are doing that. Its kind of like a Double Burn. I got you to waste your time, which to me makes me the winner whether you enjoyed the current article or not. Ha Ha!

Now then, I am sitting here, trying to bang this out...KNOWING I will never finish in time, its a RACE between me actually finishing it, and Squirrel hollering at me to "get in the shower, Souther!" And while this is going on...Allie Prescott and Liv Boeree and their never ending parade of text messages urging me to 'get squirrel out of bed and get your ass over here to New Orleans' as they are currently T-minus 125 miles to N.O. and counting...is further adding to my sense of urgency. See how important your guys' existence is to me. Not to mention the scores of errands we have put off to join our little drinking pals in Stink City. Ohhhhh last night was a douzy...the kind of night you are supposed to forget ever happened, to track down the team from Men In Black, find that device, and erase our minds of everything that occurred between the hours of 8:15pm and 3:21am. That would make life so much easier.

But then you wouldn't get this great blog entry.

Shit. I lost. The hollering has begun. I must get in the shower......I will continue this, probably on the drive over. I promise you...its going to be good.

Monkey.........to be continued.

Okay, out of the shower....now waiting on her to 'do her makeup.' Guys? We all know that means I could literally sit here and almost bang out a novel! A blog entry? Piece of cake!

So...we leave the house to go to dinner at our favorite (previously) little sushi place....Saki, off of Exit 50 in Ocean Springs. thats SAKI! AS IN...>DO NOT EVER EAT AT SAKI!!!!!! EVER!!!!!! SAKI SUCKS SAKI SUCKS! Its Sunday night. They close at 9pm. We know that, because we eat there ALL THE TIME. Or, rather, we USED to eat there all the time. We will never go there again. I am parking my car when this chick sticks her head out the door...oh, its 8:25pm...and tells us..."we no seating, we give last call..." HUH? I look at the door, nope, still says 9pm. Squirrel says..."sweetie, forget it, they are closing early...we don't want to eat there anyway, they will just spit in our food." Thats always her reply in these situations. And just when I thought I WOULD let it go...NOPE...I changed my mind. Fuck that. Thats bullshit! If it says 9pm on the door, then they close at NINE PM! I worked in the restaraunt industry for 15+ years. Yeah, does it suck when a couple walks in at 8:52pm? Sure, it does! But its freaking 8:25...and we just drove 15 miles to get there. Uh uh! I'm raising hell! So I walk in...see that there are like 6 tables in there still eating...now I am REALLY pissed. I go through the standard...'come here a lot, say nice things about them to friends and my blog clowns, etc etc etc' and ask for the manager. She's the manager. Ask for the name of the owner. She's the owner! WTF? She looks 12. She keeps repeating..."we do last call, we give last call." No bitch, you don't do LAST CALL! Bars do last call! If you say your open til 9, then you are open til 9! I ask if it will bother her that I never give them $1 of business ever again...and you know, she didn't seem to give two shits. So...with that in mind, I will find a new sushi restaraunt to visit. So now I am steaming, steaming mad....and we head towards Biloxi.

I remember a night when Johnny Groomes told me he was going to McElroys...across the bridge in Ocean Springs. I think "hmmm...maybe we should check this place out." Whooooooooops! We pull in. It looks like it might be nice. Oh man...then we walk in to what looks like one of those 'family dining' places you would maybe happen upon on a road trip through Nebraska. The waitresses are wearing what almost, at first glance...look like Waffle House uniforms. Then you realize...oh, its just bearing a resemblance. Other things about this dining experience would lead us to think we are/were at a Waffle House. I quickly noticed they were all wearing tennis shoes. Don't let this lead you to think it was so they could move around in a speedy fashion! That would just be silly!

One great thing about being married to Squirrel. Or any woman you have spent 8 years with, I suppose. You both share certain elements of communication, like the ability to watch things around you and both be thinking the same thing. About halfway through our 'dining experience' Squirrel looks at me...smirks, and asks me "Are you writing your next blog entry right now!??" I start laughing....of course I am! You're too good!

Ahhhh...we are ready to leave....okay, I will finish this on the journey to New Orleans...I have just secured a room at the Fabulous W Hotel...my little surprise treat for Squirrel, if you have never stayed at THE W...do it, the place is really cool. We are doing the one in the Quarter. Okay...be back soon!

Monkey....to be continued.

Okay. I'm back. Squirrel is behind the wheel. Allison is conducting a city tour for Liv right now, waiting on us. Squirrel's caffeine addiction has just been satisied (Coffee Fusion, a place you all are invited still to frequent) and my 4Runner's addiction to gasoline has just been satisfied as well. $2.22 for Unleaded in Biloxi! Awesome. We treated her to SUPER again...its the SHIT! Plus I'm squeezing another 30 to 40 miles a tank out of it. Its worth it....and the V8 is much more impressive runnin on the good stuff. Wow, am I really writing about gas? I feel a 'waste of time' click coming!

So back to McElroys. I look at the prices on the menu. Wow. Really? Appetizers $8 to $14. Entrees $16 to $28. Hmmm. So I am looking at Ruth Chris-esque prices...but uh...where are we? The freaking twilight zone! The dining room is overlit and adorned with those really bad-times paintings of the tug boats and shrimp boats...with the occassional fake trophy fish on the wall. The place is horrendous. Of everything on the menu, the waitress seems most excited about the 'homemade Ranch dressing!' Hey...thats what we came for! We heard about your 'World Famous Ranch Dressing!' Squirrel orders the Boiled Shrimp. It was served in one of those big plastic shells that I last saw in like 1988. After watching her face as she ate the first few shrimp, and then trying one myself, I'm not too sure the shrimp weren't also from 1988. Okay, maybe 1989. Frozen, defrosted, not served, frozen again, defrosted...again not served...repeat this 852 times before finally Squirrel and Monkey walk in and order it. FINALLY! SOLD! Horrible. She would finallly send it back to the place it came from, well...not really, since that place is now probably a dry lake bed somewhere. I ordered the 'Seafood Platter,' which is funny because you would imagine actual 'seafood' being on it right? Scallops. Yeah. And my Aunt is Queen Elizabeth. Some kind of wafer, shaped like a scallop that was clearly NOT a scallop. Shrimp? No no...these things were like those little suckers you put on your salad. More batter than shrimp. Oysters? Maybe..but they were so over-cooked that the whole oyster part of the Fried Oysters was no longer...just FRIED.....then there were these pieces of fish, not sure if that fish ever swam or not. But it would become Squirrel's meal, since she refused the wonderful offer of 'ANYTHING ELSE' on the menu. No thanks. I'm good!

As if the meal from hell couldn't get any worse...it, surprisingly, did. Squirrel and I were looking into each others eyes...oh no, not romantically, just sort of in a 'I wonder whats going to happen next' kind of gaze. Then it started. The vacuuming! I can't make this up. The waitresses cleaning their stations...and Allison drags the vacuum out and starts going to town, right next to our table. I just sat there...mouth ajar...eyes wide open...and Squirrel just starts howling. I just said one word. Kind of loud. "Really?" Wow. Then...as we are waiting for the waitress to pick up the check with my money (needing change) inside...THREE other waitresses come by our table...two to ask if everything 'is okay?' and one to swipe all the condiments off our table to refill and (hopefully) clean. No effort to pick up the check and get us the fuck out of there. Nope. Finally our little servant arrives. By this time Squirrel and Monkey are about to start tearing the wood panel off of the walls! We finally escape, and on the way out...an old lady is standing there, looking like the funeral home hostess...and she utters this gem..."I'm sorry things didn't work out for you." I can't even follow that up with anything good. It's going down as an immediate classic. "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you" July 18th, 2009. Granny FishStench.

Where to next sweetie? Lets go check out the new poker room at I.P. Okay. We arrive. In valet. (big mistake, it would take 20 minutes later to get our car...even though we were the ONLY people waiting for our car). We walk into the poker room. Big. Well lit. On the main floor. Art on the wall. Full poker room. Hmmm. Impressive. We both score a seat at the same table. Let the fun begin.

This is where I start my introspective mind meld. Lets see here. Just got home from Vegas. Best trip ever to Vegas. Argueably my best tourney run ever. Spent time playing against some very good players, and of course...your standard touristas and newbies. Hung out in very nice places. Watched/observed/interracted with some very attractive/interesting/intelligent human beings for 7 weeks. Fast forward. Now sitting in Biloxi. Having just had two horrendous attempted dining experiences. Now looking at the freaks from the homefront. Do I really live here? Not that I am hating. Well, not trying to anyway...but seriously...do these people even LOOK in the mirror before they leave the house?

Anybody watch the tv show 'Becker?' You know that guy "Bob?" Who always prefaces everything he is about to do with his name? "Bob is about to go outside and get hit by a car!" "Bob is about to raise...forget to C-bet, and then fold to ANY bet on the turn!" This guy in the 3-seat...was Bob. Looked like Bob, acted like Bob. Maybe even was Bob. I've played against this guy in Beau Rivage tourneys. He is horrendous.

This kid shows up on my left. He has ZERO personality. His game is less exciting, if that is possible. He has this face...its hard to explain..but he has these big bushy eyebrows, and whenever someone does something like re-raise him...he gets this look on his face. His eyebrows mash together...and its as if....well, put it this way: When I walk out to the kitchen, in a veiled attempt to get my dog Jasper a 'scooby snack' and open up the cabinet where they live, only to pull out, say...a hammer, I just turn...look at his face, and start laughing. He is totally perplexed. If a dog could say, "Um...what the fuck!"...then this is the time when we would hear it said. That is this guy. Oh, and everything is monotonal with this guy. On one hand...I flop top pair...who cares...what? A nine I guess. Maybe J9. He calls my bet. Bet turn. Bet river. He rivers two pair...9-5. He, in a very comedien-istic way delivers this beauty.....in his monotonally gorgeous way..."Dolly Parton! Nine to Five! Yeah!" I just looked across the table at Squirrel and chuckled.

Then there would be dealers who captured our attention and caused more laughing. One guy...okay decent looking gentleman. Seemed normal in every way. Was even a good dealer. Then I get the text message from Squirrel. Look at this dealers' hands! They are freaking me OUT! SO I looked. And what did I see? The hands of a 7th grader. Whoa. She was right. So thanks dear, now I can't stop looking at this guys' hands. Shit!

He pushes out, and in comes a new one. What in the hell is that on his head!? And those eyebrows...they look just like...anyone remember Captain Kangaroo? Or am I getting too old for all of you? Well, if you DID know the guy...that is what his eyebrows looked like. But this hair. Wow...maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen. Wait...I've seen some shit in my 42 years...no no no...this is definitely in the top 10 I think. I shoot Squirrel a text that says "Um, sweetie, what is that on his head? Is that a Fox humping a Timber Wolf?" To which she returns with..."Thats funny sweetie, I had this guy the other night, and OMG I hope he took a shower since then because his B.O. was so bad the other night I almost threw up! And how about that earring of his? Does he think he's a pirate!?? I think he is maybe a pirate! They don't have showers on Pirate ships do they!?" Wow...I laughed some more. And ohhhhhh there it is! The smell made its way over to Seat 8. Nope, he still stinks. But I couldn't get away from that hair. Okay...picture this...from just above the ear-line there is nothing but silver hair (he's older, in his late 40's at least) that wraps all the way around his head....followed by this reddish collection of fur resting on top of his head. Now could it possibly be a toupee? Sure. Of course it could...but the funny part to this, is I am pretty sure it wasn't. I think that he went out of his way to get creative and dye that part to look 'trendy.' I am waiting for the Bud Light voice over guy to discover this dude and make a Bud Light radio commercial about him...."Here's to you, Mr. Card dealing Hair in two colors, talking in a gruff military drill sergeant way guy!" I can only dream of that day.

Meanwhile...oh, I almost forgot...we are getting the shit kicked out of us. I am flopping a straight with 10-8 (J-7-9) only to not be the flop...watch a Q hit the turn and run into 'ol Monotone boy over there with, of course K10. Monkey gets stacked. Lose another large chunk with JJ vs. QQ when the board comes 10 high. See ya chips. Chase several straights and flushes and rarely hit. Oh, but they all certainly hit THEIRS when chasing. Yep...pretty much how I ALWAYS run when I play cash game. Doesn't matter where I am. Squirrel is losing too.

Then..."The Asshole Punk" shows up. Why do they always seem to show up when I am buried deep in my hole, in the middle of insisting that I can get it all back? He has his fat little girlfriend hovering over his shoulder...grossing us all out with her over the shoulder make out attempts every 4 or 5 hands. This kid and his 'too cool for school' way of doing everything is making me nuts. The way his flicks his raise out there, the way he looks at the player before over betting the pot. I hated this guy. Then it happens. He shows this other player the bluff. The total, unneccessary show of the bluff. To win a HUGE $14 pot. I cringe. Thats it. This guy HAS to go DOWN...and he HAS to go down HARD!

It only takes a few hands before we get into it. Something came out of my mouth...like "yeah pal, I only wish I were half the player you are." To which something came out of his mouth that sounded like "I know you do! You don't have a clue man. You have no idea who you are messing with! You think I'm some kind of rookie don't you!? You should leave man, you've already lost enough money tonight!" This is when I ask the dealer if there is a table max here? No? Good. I reached into my pocket and pulled out what I believe to have been $6,600 in $100 bills. Ricky Pelton was sitting across the table in Seat 4 and just started quietly chuckling. He had already congratulated me for my run out in Las Vegas. This apparantly went right over this punks head. Like it would even matter. He likely doesnt have cable or internet anyway. War was officially declared. Squirrel got that look on her face...demanded that we leave...."NOPE!" Not ready to leave yet, dear! She got up and went to the video poker bar.

Kid suddenly got very quiet. And very tight. No more raising 4x every hand. No more calling every one of my raises. Hmmm...its like going to war with the worlds greatest army and the other side digs a hole and closes the lid. Thats kind of fucked up. And no fun. So...I pulled in about $180 from the other 'players' and called it a night.

Met Squirrel at Video Poker bar. Watched her lose about $100 while I hit KKKK and won about $35 overall. Then we went and played 3-card poker. She lost $100. I won $5. Then I found her at the $25 blackjack table...ahhh...trying to get it all back sweetie? Yep. Another $200 loss. Ouch. I don't touch $25 blackjack! Then the half hour wait for our car. I offered her half of her losses back but she has too damn much pride and wouldn't take it. Okay sweetie. One way or another...she will get it back! You married guys out there all KNOW THAT! And so do I!

So yeah...that was our exciting night out in Biloxi in my first night home! Wonderful eh!?? So...NOBODY EATS AT SAKI in OCEAN SPRINGS! You all get that? EVER! And if you know of a great sushi place in Biloxi/Ocean Springs...let us know! If you own it, even better...I will give you a link on here for preferrential treatment! We are now 3 miles from the place Allie and Liv are waiting for us...lets see if the GPS here is lying to us...or if we go directly to Port of Call!

Talk to you all soon!!!! Really hoping not too see a lot of 'waste of times' clicked. Or am I? That will just tell me you wasted a LOT of time cuz this sucker is LOOOONG!!!!!

MONKEY