A BETTER DAY

Greetings from the Dark Cave

Yes, today was a better day. Honestly, it couldn't be any worse. I found out the 'C' on my keyboard is srewed up. SEE!? Gives me something for my to-do list, calling Dell and getting a new keyboard! I also made an amazing discovery today. There IS someone out there with a LONGER blog than MINE! Yup. I know...you calling BS right? Nope...its true. Nat Arem...the guy who broke the story about Russ Hamilton and the AbsoLOOT/ Ultimate BEAT/CERiUSlee? mess. He's about as random as I am at times!

And, while chilling on the couch all day I found out just how truly amazing Xbox360 is as I sat here all day playing Call of Duty 4. I have to think I would make a fine soldier, upon further reflection. Took a cruise with my Lab to go find some gas cans at Home Depot and some overpriced gas in anticipation of this hurricane that looks like it just might make its way to our shores. Oh no! Not again. And about the same time on the calendar as Katrina's visit. Lets all cross our fingers. The JERK MONKEY would be hoping it hits us hard and cancels the Gulf Coast Poker Championship that I have been forbidden to play. But I am not going to be that Monkey.

I had a chance to reflect on a few things today. First of all...I have a history (throughout my life) of finding trouble where trouble would seem impossible to be discovered. I am not proud of it. But I have learned to cope with it. This one was a straight-up knuckleheaded move by me. While I wasn't trying to 'do anything wrong' or get over on anyone...there are just some things that are left UNSAID, to avoid people coming down on you. And me writing about something that is widely regarded as TABOO basically earns me a reprimand. I deserve to get cracked. For being a MORON! So, I accept that. I am not in this 'woe is me' mood over here at the cave. Nope, I am taking this like a man. Or at least, a grown up Monkey.

My day took a turn for the better at 2:19pm today. First thing I did when I woke up was call the Beau Rivage and ask for Warren Mason, the Director of Table Games. (if I screwed up that title, I apologize, but its close) I got his secretary. I was told he was in a meeting. I left my information and FULLY expected NOT to hear from Mr. Mason. Well, I was not disappointed to be wrong. He in fact did call me back and we had a very pleasant conversation.

As a side note. A lot of credit deserves to be given to Wild Bill. He very aggressively got after this. He was totally supportive of me. I REALLY felt great about that. He immediately put a statement up on the website that was there for a few hours late at night on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. He then emailed me and tossed around the idea of pulling it off, and holding back on the 'petition' idea. I told him to do whatever he thought was right. One line of thinking was that the casino might not want to be pressured into feeling there was a standoff between them and me. Well, he decided to pull the message off of the site. After my conversation today with Mr. Mason, I decided that Bill made an excellent decision.

Here was the basic gist (jist?). I was wanting 5 minutes in his office. He claimed to know why I was calling and made me feel pretty convinced that he was going to give me a fair shake over the phone. I think we all feel like we have a better chance at a favorable outcome if we can present our case in person, rather than over the phone...but for some reason, I felt like things might bear out okay.

I pleaded my case. Admitted that I made a mistake. Didn't try to weasel out of it. I also assured him that at no time have I ever gone in there with the intent to 'run game' on other players. That I am guilty of printing a message that COMPLETELY delivers a message that I thumb my nose at the rules. TOTALLY not the case. And I wanted to impress upon him that I completely understood WHY they did what they did. Explained my fiance working there, this being my livelihood, my high regard for the Beau Rivage, my desire to do 'all the right things' as often as I can. I said I would accept some kind of a reprimand but that I felt getting completely 86'd from the casino seemed very inappropriate and unfair.

His reaction was one that kind of surprised me. He claims to be a card player, which I didn't know or expect. He said he has gotten a good impression of me from Johnny Grooms and Ken Lambert, saying they knew I was a good customer, play for a living around the nation and genuinely care about the people and dealers I interact with. That made me feel pretty good. He understood what I did. He didn't APPROVE of it, obviously, but he understood. We both agreed that I was a DUMBASS for writing about it.

He informed me that the real mess is that it got to the Mississippi Gaming Commission and is now UNDER INVESTIGATION! Great. Not sure how or what they are going to investigate. MY BLOG? ALL my blogs? Well, he and I both didn't know HOW they would react. Its kind of the mystery factor here. I respect what they have to do, I just wish I knew what it was. It could take a week, it could take a month, it could take 2. And until they complete their investigation and CLEAR me and the casino...there is nothing that Mr. Mason or anyone else at the Beau Rivage can do to invite me back. They are at the State's mercy.

Wow. So, from that standpoint, I am really glad we didn't launch a big SAVE THE MONKEY campaign...because if it were presented to the Beau Rivage, they would just have to shake their collective head and say "I'm sorry, Monkey, but its out of our hands; but thanks for making such a spectacle out of all this and making things incredibly awkward for both of us!" The impression I came away with is that the BAN was not intended to be permanent. Once that came out, in writing, and got turned into them by 'some anonymous' player, they HAD to react. Or they would look like they condoned it. MGM is a great company, and they have people who work hard to keep their solid image in the industry as well as the effort they make to keep their casinos clean and straight for all the players. I get that. And respect that.

I know I didn't do anything REALLY WRONG. I DID make a mistake. An error in judgement. I wrote something that should NEVER go down in print. I am not a victim. I am an idiot. And now I have been made to suffer mightily. It sucks to sit here and get calls from friends that are playing in these HUGE-field tourneys that I am not there to play in. My chance to win the Rounder of the Year has now been dealt almost a fatal blow...so that might have cost me a $10,000 entry in the January event here. That's a lot of jack. All because I wrote something stupid. I will learn a lesson from this, for sure.

Cheryl finally sat down and read my entire blog last night. Her overall assessment was that "Yeah, its pretty funny. You call a lot of people out...by NAME...not sure that's very cool. And I would appreciate you not telling people about me being shit faced! Seriously! And you tend to get a little TOO personal about things...not sure you want EVERYONE knowing all that about you! But overall, I think its pretty good, and your a good writer." Well...that's about as mixed review as they come...but from her, I will take it as a compliment.

This bit about the calling people out. Hey...you guys that I talk about...you KNOW that I feel that way, because I tell you then! I am a straight shooter. I am not a weasel or a mealy-mouth. You wont see me using this as a place to go off on people. If I got something to say to you...it will be anywhere, your face, on TV, on the Radio, at the Table, or on my blog. I am honest. And I am open. And I don't mind sharing my thoughts.

On sharing my personal stuff with ya'all. Maybe I get a little deep. I don't know. I guess its my quest to be better understood by some out there who target me. Trust me, I do NOT think I am better than ANYONE. Someone sent me an email and they made a very interesting statement.

"You know Will, I have known you for a few years. I knew you before I played poker, and I always thought you were a cool guy. Then I started playing poker, and saw you at the table, and realized a lot of players don't like you. And I thought maybe it wasn't fair. You are very easy for a lot of different people to dislike. The common worker guy who plays poker on the side can hate you because you don't have to carry a REAL job like they do. The regular poker player guy...who hates you because you have a great BACKER, which every full time poker players strives to get. You win a lot...which is always a source of jealousy. And for those guys who aren't so attractive and have unattractive partners, they have to look at Squirrel, who is great looking. Maybe too good looking for YOU! And that's also an easy thing to hate about you!So you have to understand why one of these haters might read your blog and see an opportunity to screw you. It sucks man, but you put yourself in this spot, kind of."

You know what? He is right. I should realize that there are always people who are going to take shots at me. I suspect there are even some who I THINK are friends of mine, or at least would never go out of their way to SCREW me. People will always surprise you. I don't have a job. I haven't for 3 years. Look...don't think there isn't a TON of stress with being a full time poker player. Its put a tremendous strain on my relationship at times, as well as my mental health. Its brutal. I have a backer. Yes, I do. I have had a few.

Having a backer is NEVER BAD. But it can also be a real nightmare. Stress to produce. Stress to get money they owe you. Stress when you go on a trip thinking you are getting money sent to you and it never shows up. Hey, my results GOT me a backer, and I wont ever apologize for that. You want a backer? Then DO SOME WINNING! And I am real sorry that Squirrel is such a hottie! I will not break up with her and start dating some fat, ugly girl with bad hair and bad teeth just to make a few people happy. So you can keep hating me for that, too!

I can see that I need to be a little MORE careful about certain things I write about if I am going to keep writing on here. At least it will be a slow month for MONKEY BLOGS...unless something really bizarre happens in the next couple days. For now I will sit at home and play online I guess. Not even gonna think about going over and playing at the other couple of places. That's like putting together a game of flag football out in the parking lot of the SUPER BOWL when you weren't able to get tickets. No Thanks. I prefer hiding in the cave!

Plus the WCOOP is about to start on PokerStars, so who knows, maybe I will satellite into a couple of those. Things ARE off to a good start. Took my $22 and nickel and dimed my way to $50...then bought into 5 games at $10 each and made another $88. Then tonight, before I wrote this I made a miracle comeback and took 3rd in a $12/45 person SNG...to get me up to almost $200. I am telling you, when your balance is getting low...and you refuse to go to Western Union to put $500 on there....hit that nickel/dime game. It is incredible HOW BAD those players are. And just slow play every big hand. You get paid off, I swear...about 65% of the time. Its amazing. And once you get that $10 (max buy in) up to around $30....you just DESTROY the table. Its hilarious. Buy into about 10 of those games at $10 per....think about it....over the course of 6 hours....I estimate the take to be close to $25 average per table...for a gain of $250. Not bad on a $50 investment. Anyway I am now rambling, officially.

My thoughts on where to go next? Well, guess a lot has to do with this storm brewing out in the Atlantic...and the two behind it! This weather situation is very similar to the way it went down in 2005. Freaky. I could go play that silly Emerald Coast thing at Ebro...in an attempt to try and secure some ROUNDER points. Or who knows...maybe I will go to the most boring place on Earth...TUNICA...to play those events. Ugh...Tunica. Land of......bird-sized mosquitoes and miles and miles of cotton! OH but ya know, they DO have a Waffle House up there finally. Hmmm...okay maybe we WILL go to Tunica!

Or there is the WPT Borgatta event up in Atlantic City. I have never played poker up there. When I lived in NYC from 1989-1992 I went to Atlantic City a few times and always thought it was gross, and the casino people jerks. I have heard a lot of people say it is STILL like that. Great. But I have also heard a lot of GREAT things about the Borgatta...and hear that their fields for the WPT are always HUGE! A lot of my good poker buddies will be going up there...so maybe I need to make the trek. I need to make a big score somewhere. Was hoping it was going to be HERE this week...but...well......yeah. I guess I will have a better idea in the next few days what I am going to do next.

To all of you playing at the BEAU RIVAGE this week, I wish you the best of luck. Play well, play smart, and go deeeeeep!!!! And if you make the Final Table, order up a round of Red Snappers for 'Ol Monkey! I will be there in spirit!!!! To those of you on the Gulf Coast...if this storm comes our way...please do the SMART THING. Don't be stupid. BE SAFE! I wish you all the best.....talk to you soon!!!!

MONKEY

OUT BEFORE I PLAY A HAND

I do NOT even know how to begin this entry. I always thought it would be fun to have/write a blog. I have gotten some tremendous emails from people. I have gotten some great response from people that I run into. I never, in a million years...thought something could happen like what JUST happened 22 minutes ago.

I spent yesterday shopping for new shirts to wear for this event. I spent weeks talking it up to friends, players and made several entries in here supporting the Beau Rivage and how they run things. I was SO incredibly fired up for this event. I couldn't WAIT to get going....

I drive to the casino. Park in valet. Its only 5:30. I am EARLY for the 6pm tourney! Wow, I MUST be excited! Then I am going up the escalator...saying hello to five or six guys I know from playing....get to the top of the escalator, and WOW! There is a HUGE line waiting to get into the 6pm tourney. AWESOME!

I see Gabe and Claudia and go stand in line with them...catching up on everything. I love these big events...its like one big class reunion, where the people you haven't seen in awhile ALL converge on this one place...granted for the same purpose, but for those who you are a combination of friend, foe or combatant with, it is always great to see them again. You are about to wage a fun little war of 'Who Can Make The Final Table!'

Then it happens. Johnny Groomes finds me in line and asks to talk to me in that "you are in trouble" tone of voice. I feel that feeling you used to feel when at work when your supervisor asks you to come to his office. I cant describe it, but I think you all know how it feels. Its awful. The next five minutes....OH WOW.

JG: "Have you bought tourney chips into the this event yet?"
ME: "No, why, what's up? Did I do something wrong?"

I am totally CLUELESS what is going on!

JG: "Will, I hate to do this but you are being 86'd from the property."
ME: "WHAT!??? FOR WHAT? Is this a joke!???"

I really, honestly, thought maybe IT WAS a joke, that someone was having a little fun with me. I mean, I would be the perfect candidate for them to pull something like that on. I have a great relationship (I think) with everyone in the poker room.

JG: "Will some people in upper management read your blog, man. About the episode that took place in the cash game...where you were talking about giving a knee to your buddy. They see that as a direct example of cheating and have called me and asked me 'what are you going to do about this, Johnny' and what am I supposed to do Will? I don't have any choice. They have rules in the poker room, and when a few people read your blog, and brought it to their attention they have to do something. I am really sorry Will, but there is nothing I can do about it. You have been 86'd from the property. I have to escort you out and let you know you cant return. I'm sorry"

I stood there in shock. It was not a joke. It was the blindfold, the cigarette and the firing squad. It was the rock falling off the cliff and landing on the coyote. It was the boss taking you in the office and telling you that you are fired. That sick feeling you get in your stomach...times 20. I moved HERE for two reasons. To marry Cheryl, and be closer to the Beau Rivage. I do not know what to do or to think right now. I am on the outside looking in, like Dan Akroyd's character in TRADING PLACES when he is standing outside that restaurant in the pouring rain, watching his fiance having dinner with his two bosses and Eddie Murphy's character who has replaced him. I don't know what to do. Cheryl is going to FREAK OUT when I tell her what happened.

I asked Johnny if there was someone I could talk to about this, to appeal this to. I mean, I live in a town where my fiance works at the Beau, I play almost every day at the Beau..it IS my office. We gamble there, we dine there, we party there...and I cant be there? Why live here then? Can't think of a good reason. This could cost me Cheryl. I don't think she will move from here. Johnny told me I could appeal it to either Warren Mason (Head of Table Games) or George Corchis (Casino Manager) but that I should wait til this event is over. WHY!????

What is going to change in the period of two weeks? They are either going to see this as a situation that is getting blown WAY out of proportion and give me the benefit of the doubt, or they aren't. I met George a couple years ago. I think he had just come to the Beau, it was after the hurricane. We were all out with Cheryl and her friends and he sat at our booth with us. He was a very nice man. I don't know if he remembers me. I will be calling his office tomorrow and hope to GOD something can be done to reverse this decision.

Just to recap why this happened. Last week, after final tabling the daily tourney, and having won a little money in Caribbean Stud, and then spending some time at the Coast club with Cheryl's friends, I responded to a text message from my, ahem...friend, Lake...to go down to the poker room and check out his cash table. Cheryl was on the way home with food. I had every intention of meeting her at home shortly. Lake kept prodding me to get in and play a couple of hands. I really didn't want to. It was a very aggressive table. And you all know I pretty much loathe cash game anyway. But I was in a good mood, had a handful of drinks in me...and I don't know why...but I caved in and came in for a couple hundred bucks.

I won a couple hands. Had chipped up a bit. Called one of Lakes ridiculous raises with a bunch of callers. He ALWAYS overplays in cash game. Its one reason I HATE and almost ALWAYS avoid sitting at a table when he is there. He drives me nuts. I don't even know why I let him talk me into it this time. Well, with $200 in the pot I flop bottom two and trying to save him the humiliation of losing all his chips to me I move all in on the flop and give him a bump on his knee. THIS is what has caused BEAU RIVAGE management to label me a CHEATER! A CHEATER!!!!! You all know I am NOT a cheater! I have talked about all the shit online, the cheating, the corruption...and ranted about it. Maybe my vision of cheating is skewed. If I polled 100 of the poker player acquaintances I have and asked them, "If you were sitting next to a friend (or what you THOUGHT was a friend) and flopped the nuts would you let them know somehow, so as to avoid letting them lose all their chips?" I think you would get a VERY HIGH number of them that would say yes. I don't consider that CHEATING! I consider that sparing your friend any more money than they have ALREADY lost on the hand (which is now in the middle of the pot!) It goes on and it goes on a LOT! Cheating? How is that cheating!??? Its giving someone a break because you are someone who CARES about people you are friends with.

So he grumbles about folding a K... Flop was K-6-5...I had 56 suited, and I was sure he DID have a KING. Whatever. I'm doing you a favor. Everyone else at the table had every right, and chance to call my bet. They folded. I showed my hand. There was no collusion! There was no cheating! That's considered CHEATING!???

Well a few hands later, I watch 4 players 'limp in' to the hand for $2. I look down at QQ in the small blind. Lake is on my left in the BB. I announce to the table that I AM RAISING WITH A TOP 5 hand. Lake KNOWS that I don't lie. I raise it $20. HE CALLS! With K5 offsuit. Why? Why is he calling there??? One other guy calls. The flop comes J-5-5. I am first to act after the flop...and recklessly I announce ALL IN...and LAKE...my GOOD BUDDY, who I am in trouble for CHEATING WITH NOW....CALLS! YEAH...he calls my $550 ALL IN. And I lose all my chips. And leave. Needless to say, I am pissed beyond belief!

So now I get branded a cheat! I get 86'd from my home casino. A casino I have done nothing but promote. I don't know if this is something that can be overturned. I would hope so. I am not a cheater. If I am guilty of something...I am guilty of trying to take it easy on people whenever I have a chance. I get mad at LAKE for NOT giving me the same consideration. So Lake is an upstanding, rule abiding poker player. And a shitty friend. But at least he gets to keep going in there and playing poker. And where am I?

On the outside looking in.

Do I feel ashamed? I don't know. I would say I am more embarrassed than anything. Humiliated. I have a reputation. I have a legion of poker friends. I had a great tournament here in March. And now I am sitting here...laying on my bed, at home, alone. The excitement that I felt for the last month leading up this event have been replaced by feelings of shock, disbelief and anger.

...anybody out there have any bright ideas????
Sure glad I decided to write this thing...never thought it would get me FIRED from Poker!!!!! What a terrible day!


MONKEY

Top 10: Poker Pet Peeves

AS PROMISED....MONKEYS TOP TEN POKER PET PEEVES....in no particular order, because if heavily violated in one instance..it could quickly rise from deep on the list to the top!

#1. THE MIN RAISE. It infuriates me. It is the dumbest bet in poker. You are merely inviting the bad beat. Players make this play with AA. A lot. Then a guy like me will call with ANY TWO CARDS because we hate the min raise, and because we understand that you are 55/45 against any random hand with any two cards. Freaky. But true. And I LOVE to punish the min raiser. The min raiser loves to get all pissed off too when they get cracked. Hey...you wanna live by the MIN RAISE!??? You can DIE BY THE MIN RAISE! When Its REALLY stupid is when, say....7 limpers come in...and THEN they min raise. Do they EXPECT ANYONE to fold? Do they EXPECT to win this hand? I hope not. Because they rarely do. I will say there IS one good time to min raise...and even then...not MIN raise...but...say at 50/100 making it 225. If you happen to get REAL lucky (yeah, it happens SO often) and chip up to like 4x the average early in a tourney...and then you are picking up hands like AK, QQ, JJ, 1010, AJ suited....and you are looking at 50/100 blinds..what good is it going to do raising 300 and getting a walk? You have 40k in chips and you won a $150 chips. THAT is when I like to raise $225. I want action on my big hands....trying to win a DECENT pot that can do SOMETHING for me. If I feel like I got outflopped I can easily get away from it. That's the thing, you have to be willing to fold if you think you are behind...and not be tempted to use your big stack to strong arm your opponent. Because bottom line..if they outflopped you...they ARENT folding. No matter what!

#2. SHOWING THE BLUFF. I really, really hate this play. And the guys who argue for its virtues...I really pretty much hate them too. It, to me, is a jackass play make by jackass players. All you are doing is setting yourself up for a bad beat later. The guy shows a unsuited 2-7 after re-raising a guy who raised with 99 in late position. THe guy with 99 wants to stab the guy now. So later on...the guy with 99 raises with A-10 suited. The jackass bluff shower has a REAL hand this time...KK...and re-raises. Well...99 guy still wanting to kill this guy, frustratingly moves all in and gets snap called. We ALL know what happens next. An ACE flops, and BLUFF BOY gets all pissed off, calling the guy a donkey. And me? I sit there giggling like a little school girl. I just don't like to rankle my opponents. I think its classless. Showing a bluff to set someone up for later? Dude, why don't you just beat me with skill and class? If you bluffed me in a hand....hey...YOU BLUFFED AND WON...fold your fucking cards, take the pot...and feel proud.

#3 "Nice laydown" followed by muck. I hate this. If I made a nice laydown...and you are TELLING ME nice laydown....SHOW ME why it was a nice laydown. Dont fire your cards into the muck. Otherwise..don't say ANYTHING!

#4. Guys who chew gum, or have a toothpick or straw in their mouth. Why does this bother me so much? I don't know. Have thought about seeing a shrink about it. But it makes me crazy. I think the gum chewers are the worst. Sometimes you can actually spot a tell in the way they chew it at certain times in the hand. So in that regard it can be good. But it still makes me nuts while I am observing, even though I know I am about to take this clowns lunch!

#5. Chip riffling. The sound. AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!! It was the reason I suspect, that millions and millions of iPods have been sold. I admit I do not know how to chip riffle. Nor have I tried to learn. So its not riffle-envy. I simply hate it. I have offered guys money at the table if they will stop doing it.

#6. Guys sitting next to me who are getting a massage. First of all, they turn their chair around, which always IMMEDIATELY cuts your space in half. And then you have them digging their elbows into you. Sometimes you even get the massage girl bumping into you. I like my personal space. In fact I am a little neurotic about it. I hate crowded clubs. MUST have a TABLE when I am a club...for that reason alone. So when I am in a tourney...I want NO ONE up on my shit! GETTTT OFFFFFF MMMMEEEEE MANNNNNN!!!!!!

#7. Overbetting. This drives me bananas. However, its also a pretty good way to get a read on a guys hand. Still. It bugs me because it is so amateurish. Its not as big a deal in these 10K chip events though In fact its funny. A guy raises 25/50 blinds to 300 and you are pretty certain he is sitting there with good ol Big Slick and you have a pair of 4's. I call your stupid raise, sir. Flop comes A-4-9. Have a nice day DONKEY. NO WAY in HELL he is folding that hand for ANY PRICE. OR even better. Flop comes 8-3-2. He bets out 500. You raise to $1500 and watch that stupid look on his face as he mucks. MORON. Late in tourneys...guys with a TON of chips....raising 10x the blinds....then has a shortstack move all in...for an amount he CANT fold to now because of his retard bet....and he calls with like A8 suited and is looking at AA. HAHAHHA NICE BET JACKASS!

#8. Players who smell. And in that category, players who sit there and drop ass bombs at the table....over and over....and sitting there with that stupid "wasn't me" look on their face. HAVE SOME FUCKING CLASS and consideration you jerk! How do you sit there and NOT know you DONT stink? I mean...bro, how long has been, REALLY since you brushed your teeth and/or took a shower? honestly?
#9. Players who show up at tournament, or for that matter, a cash game session...SICK. You know, a cold, a flu, whatever. Sneezing all over the table. Coughing without covering their mouth! Its terrible. If you are really sick, do us ALL a favor, and STAY HOME! I have been on trips where I got sick...and I will stay in my room and play online until I feel like I am not a threat (healthwise) to my fellow players. Whenever I have to sneeze, I always pull my shirt up over my face before I do it. Poker rooms are already a germ factory as it is...with the cards, the chips....being touched over and over by all those hands. Leave your illnesses at home! VERY UNCOOL!

#10. CALLING CLOCK. This should have been higher up on my list, actually. I will almost NEVER call clock on another player. Its a class thing. It takes a LOT for me to do it. About the only time I WILL do it, is if I am in a TIME DROP cash game...and a guy is taking an eternity EVERY hand. And for bet amounts that are a joke. THEN..YEAH I will call clock. I have only called clock ONCE in a tourney. It was at the IP event..this past spring. We were either down to two tables or maybe it was the final table...so the blinds were getting very large. This kid, it was his first final table ever, I think...and he must have thought he was on TV. EVERY hand was like a paper vs. plastic times 10 decision. Finally I SNAPPED. I could see his hand! He had 47 offsuit...and the button had raised. I was like dude..."This is RIDICULOUS! You aren't CALLING WITH THAT SHIT...you aren't even thinking about it! FUCKNG CLOCK!" I have had guys call clock on ME when I was in there for my tournament life...when they weren't even in the hand! (case in point, you short little punk bastard from the IP tourney last fall who has a lifetime bounty from me...you KNOW who you are)
So, the bottom line is this. If you aren't in the hand...and a guy has a MAJOR decision to make that is going to cost him dearly, give him a little consideration as you would want them to give YOU...and shut your pie hole! Anyone calls CLOCK ON ME....I swear to god....you are ALMOST AUTOMATICALLY getting a $100 bounty (more if I'm running good and already don't like you) placed on your ass!!!!

I'm sure there are probably a couple that I left out, and I will probably think of them tonight when I am at the Beau trying to go back-to-back final tables. One good thing about time, it allows you to always think of things you forgot!!!! I am really looking forward to this upcoming event at the Beau Rivage...lets hope we can all get along and not do anything stupid, like violate ANY of these TOP TEN PET PEEVES of MINE!!!!!!! And hey...if you have your OWN pet peeves, I would LOVE to hear them...if for no other reason...to make me laugh! I always need a good laugh now and then.

MONKEY

ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com

Five Snapper Final Table...

Cue the Snappers...I end up having...mmmm lets call it FIVE. We all agree to give 10th place their buy in back. Again..the karma thing. I pick up a couple hands....and JUST MOVE IN....take the pot...which now is growing pretty large each time. I watch the small stacks double up twice. No one wants to go out. Finally we lose a couple players. ON one occasion I pick up JJ.

Guy limped UTG...tightest player at the table (who turns out is the NEPHEW of the weird old guy, who BTW is NOW the chipleader with a MOUNTAIN of chips) re-raises big...and I dump them. Guy two doors over tells me I was crazy for folding. Okay. Whatever. I don't even think he believed me. Hey...Jacks suck!

We all know it. I THOUGHT! There is some weird looking dude hovering over the shoulder of the kid in the 5 seat..and the Crazy Old Racist (unintentional or otherwise) in Seat 4. I ask him who he is sweating. His response? "I will give you two choices and tell you that the first two are wrong" Huh? Wow...they are all from the same comedy school. I cant remember all of them, but while we are at the final table, Old Guy unleashes four or five of the dumbest jokes (>>??? I think they were attempted jokes) ever...which left the whole table scratching their heads.

Unless you guys were there, you cant even begin to understand how bizarre this guy was. I start getting my buzz on, and I am getting chips...so I am starting to get that CONFIDENT "I'm taking this down" FEELING in me. I started to goad the old man. Telling him...I am coming for him.

He tells me I'm crazy. I tell him I agree. Tell him, "I am going to win this thing. If you are lucky you might get heads up with me! And if you do, I will destroy you! In fact, I will even add $500 to the prize pool and play you for it heads up!!!" yeah, I might have been getting a little ahead of myself!!!! I pick up AQ suited and staying with the aggressive style I decided to play this final table with....I SHIP IT.

Well, oops...the small stack who had double up twice picks up AK and calls. SHIT. He wins..and now I have only 28K left with the blinds 3000/6000. I get KJ and feel like I have to make a move with it....and do...and guess who I run into? OLD MAN PSYCHO. Who turns over AQ. It holds. I am out. 5th place. $400. Hey...that's poker. I tell him nice hand, wish everyone good luck...and make a graceful departure. Yes, that's right! Graceful! I didn't win but I do feel pretty good. Played pretty good. Made the final table again...and have some of my swagger back.

I go, and for some strange reason...decide to play a little Caribbean Stud. I actually win. By this time I am hammered. I have the table cracking up. A new dealer pushes in and I am totally messing with him. Anyway...it was funny, and I won a couple hundred bucks. I go to the bathroom and get accosted by Squirrels friends outside of Coast. Oh. yeah. Its Lady's Night. They want me to come into the club with them.

That's when I get the text message from Lake. "Dude, I'm in the 1/2 game and this dude just paid me off with QUADS!!!! You gotta come down here. Ah shit...fine. So I go down there. At the same time Squirrel is picking up Taco Bell. I LOVE THE NEW FRESCO MENU...no dairy. HEALTHY (allegedly!) Now I can eat "my Bell" and not feel like I am violation of the Health Act! I roll into the poker room. And there is Lake. "Dude, Monkey...check this out man...its sick!" Yeah Yeah...sick, I know.

I see Norm...and inform him that the gum is still under ALL the tables, and that my WEEK on the over/under bet is officially 21 hours away from being a win for the OVER side. "all I can do is submit it, man" Yeah. Or take up a collection from a bunch of guys at the table and hand them (housekeeping) the money to do it on the spot, like I did LAST week before he told me I COULDNT! I hate beaurocracy! (I think I spelled that wrong and spell check will NOT give me the proper spelling)

I am about to leave when Lake says...."Ah come on Monk...play a couple hands...just buy in for $100!" And I say no a couple times...then SHIT..FINE. I buy in for $200. Then like Magic...I pick up some hands...I hit some flops...and I am building up a nice stack! I have Lake over there raising EVERY freaking hand like he ALWAYS does...pissing me off ALREADY...but I limp in with 5/6 spades....he makes it 40! FORTY. with $8 in the pot.

But he gets 5 calls! Shit...I gotta call now! Hell I am up 200 already. The flop comes K-5-6. Now I could have been a real shit bird here and checked. Because I KNOW if I check he is going to bet like 100. So I do him a favor, I give him "the knee" and just MOVE in. Hell ...there is 200 in the pot...and I have 225. He gets all pissy...squeezes a card and shows me a K...and folds. Everyone else folds too. I show him two pair. I did him a damn favor, and I take down the pot.

So now I am sitting on $550! Good time to leave Monkey. And...I am about to...tacos are now at the house. Its been a great night. What can go wrong? Okay...last hand. I am in the SB. I pick up QQ. 4 limpers, Lake is in the BB. I announce..."Okay guys I have a TOP 5 hand...and I am raising to $20." Lake calls. Donkey in seat 10 who was calling EVERY raise...calls, again. And another guy calls. $90'ish in the pot. Flop comes 5-5-J.

Seems like a pretty good flop for me. And I am hammered and playing "no one is sucking out on me for cheap poker" in this session....so instead of just betting say, $40 there and finding out where I am with my over pair...which of course would have been the CORRECT play....I instead announce "I'm All IN!" Which brings about something I would have NEVER in a MILLION YEARS anticipated. LAKE grabbing all his chips and sliding them forward.

WHAT? I expect to see JJ. First of all, I cannot BELIEVE I didn't first GET A KNEE under the table, similar to the KNEE I had given HIM earlier, you know the KNEE? THe knee you give your buddy so he doesn't lose his WHOLE FUCKNG STACK making a stupid play when you are sitting over there holding the NUTS!!!??? Yeah, THAT KNEE! Nope, no knee. Just a call. Everyone else folds, of course, and I look at him in astonishment as he turns over K-5 offsuit. Um....what?

I announce TOP 5 hand preflop, and HE KNOWS I don't lie..he is FIRST to act....wasn't like he was "PRICED IN"...and he calls. And hits THAT flop....no knee...could have given me a courtesy fold, showed me the 5 on the down low...in which case I would have given him half the pot later...if not ALL of it! I wanted to kill him. I just got up, grabbed my bag...and walked out. Didn't say a fucking word. To him or anyone else.

He text messages me later...and I send him back a 'not-so-nice' reply. I don't know how to feel about this. But I'm pretty sure I am just going to stay with PRETTY FUCKING PISSED for now. This one might even be a friendship wrecker. Not sure. Probably need a couple more days to roll it around in my head. But I went home...and the tacos were delicious!

Final Table=Red Snapper Time!

It was an uneventful weekend at the Beau Rivage. Couple of $15K guarantees ended about the same for me. On Saturdays affair...I had laid down about three big hands before we were in the 300/600 level and I am sitting in the BB with QQ. I had already laid it down once...in the first level, when there was a raise to 200 followed by a re-raise to 600. We started with 4500. I had 50 invested. Felt it was a good time to pass. Never found out what the other guy had.

But we got late...and after being completely card dead for 2 levels, I felt like I had to take my chances. Middle raises...then the button moves all in with a lot of chips. I just had to hope he was squeezing with something I could beat. Hope went out the window when he turned over AA. To make it worse he flopped a set..Yikes. See ya.

Then on Sunday I was hovering around 6K...when this dude raises UTG...MIN raises...oh we are going to delve into my Top Ten pet peeves (what with the GCPC coming up and everything-feel its important to let everyone know what I would personally like them to AVOID!) later in this entry!

Now this guy is kind of a freaky guy...he is known to play very erratic. I look down at JJ. He has me covered. What do I want to do here? Hmmmmm. Hate smooth calling with JJ...its so scary. But I do anyway. The flop comes A K 5. He CHECKS. Huh? Check? Interesting. This guy flop a set? Two pair? Or is he sitting there min-raising with 55/66 something like that? Wish I could see through his cards! Well the turn is a K. Wow. Now he bets out $1000. Into the $1100 pot. And I sit there and just stare at him. Yeah..that would be the right thing to do with two pair...say KK/55....KK/99...anything like that I have him beat. I entertain thoughts of folding...but then think I see something in his face...and SHOVE all IN. He beats me in there and turns over AA. Oh christ! Drawing dead! Wow. I suck. I stand up. Laugh...tell him great hand and crawl out of the Beau Rivage and go home...where I get online, and DO WORK!

For three days I played small ball. Playing $5, $6.50 and $11 sit n gos I pull my balance up to around $350 from a low of $25. Squirrel even gets into the act, cashing two SNG's while I was sleeping and dreaming about biscuits and KFC gravy...their gravy is SO good! I don't play the Monday or Tuesday tourney. I was actually getting sucked into the Olympics. Monday night Squirrel goes out with her girlfriends.

Oh boy. She slithers in around 5:45am...and when I tell you she was drunk...well its like saying it was hot and humid the other day. The smell coming out of her face was HORRENDOUS. And of course she wanted to fool around. NO WAY! I had to go to the guest room and lock the door. She was so drunk she wouldn't/couldn't even walk across the house to get there....instead she kept CALLING ME! I finally turned off my phone! It was a nightmare. She paid for it the next day! I didn't go play the Tuesday night tourney so I could baby sit her hung-over ass. Luckily for her she didn't have to work. Don't know if she would have survived!

So Wednesday arrives. I spend all day running errands. I look in my wallet and notice my wad of cash is getting shockingly smaller and decide tonight would be a really good time to go win the tourney at the Beau Rivage. Not only for my wallet but my confidence as well, especially with the big event coming up next week. I spent a few hours in the backyard getting my tan on, reading my scintillating novel (which is almost done) and getting my game face on. I got my new replacement phone in the mail also. Spent two hours getting that set up...and then...DISASTER strikes.

Me being a retard, I think that ALL my numbers are saved to the SIM card. I put my SIM into my new blackberry...do the thing that saves the phonebook to new phone....and see a few numbers and naturally think they are all in there, right? So I go ahead and perform the maneuver that erases ALL the phone numbers off of the old blackberry, so I can give that phone to Squirrel. Done. Numbers on there, GONE! Then about halfway through the day...it comes to my attention...that HOLY SHIT...I only have about HALF the numbers from my phone on my new phone! I call support. Turns out the SIM card only held 200 numbers. I had 358 on there.

It saved the first 200 that were put on that phone...which means anyone I added in the last 8 months is GONE! SO if you are reading this...and you think you QUALIFY as one of those people....PLEASE CALL ME so I can have your number again. I am so STUPID! But I do LOVE my new phone...the Blackberry Curve. The internet feature on it is just awesome. I'm guessing its not as delightful as the iPhone...but I am not switching over to ATT. No way. Back to Poker.

PS. I have had a few of you say "Your Blog is TOO LONG, Monkey!" Hey I know! But look, if you guys know me...you know that I am a rambler! I cant make short little profound statements? Have I ever left you a voice message on your phone!?? Then you know! Look, I'm flattered that you read this crap, I am...but WHY YA GOTTA TRY TO CHANGE ME, MAN!!!!!>>>????

Wednesday. Drop Squirrel off when we find her car in one of THREE possible places she might have left it. Head to the Beau. Get to the tourney ON TIME...which is spooky weird. My first table I quickly win a couple small pots...then go to sleep. There is a guy at my table who is playing like an absolute maniac. I have 7 or 8 decent players at the table, and 10K in chips and crazy ass. So I make a decision. I am going to sit and play nothing but TOP 5 hands and either let someone bust this guy...or get lucky and pick up a monster and get tripled up. Or just sit there and do nothing. It ends up being option C.

But I still only get down to 8K. I have decided that this is the beauty of the 10,000K starting stack. You can literally sit there, in a field under 60 players...and NOT play a hand and just about make it down to 2 tables. The other thing is that when you play NO hands...and you do FINALLY raise....and now there is say (300/600=900 plus 500 antes...total 1400) 1400 in the pot...you are probably going to take it down. And if you are sitting there with 5400 chips in front of you...that 1400 is pretty good for the 'Ol Stack. Well, sick boy makes this play.....

with the blinds 100/200....there is a limp. And another. And another. I look at 66...I am not going to get stupid here. I call. Though I did think about getting stupid. Crazy ass calls. (I will tell you now...he has 4 7 offsuit. That's right. Which is fine...given the way the hand is playing out NOW.) Another guy calls. SB completes. And the BB...raises....great. TO 2 THOUSAND! Fuck. Nice bet bastard. 1600 in the pot and he raises 2000. Hmmm, a play? Everyone folds to me. I reluctantly fold. But not crazy ass. He calls. Everyone else folds. The flop comes 4-4-J. The first raiser moves all in...of course...with QQ....and our hero announces, "I think I got lucky man, I call" and of course he did.

No Q comes and the guy looked like he was going to throw up all over the table. The rest of us shot each other looks...you KNOW the looks...kind of a "what the fuck did I just see go down" look. All of you who play poker KNOW the look I'm talking about. That was REALLY when my plan to sit there like a bump on a log went into effect. It was easy too, being as card dead as I was. I finally pick up 44 in 2nd position, and I mentally talk myself into thinking I just looked down at AA. So I raise. I get a walk. And nut job says "Wow, when you raise NO ONE calls, but when I raise, they all do!" Hmmm...lets examine that statement! No...lets not!

They break our table. Finally. I get moved to the table up top (13) that is an old stud table...which is stupid, since they almost NEVER play stud in there anymore. What was even stupider (hope that is a word) is that Table 16 in the back...a full-size table, was empty! Grrrr......Hey Beau Rivage...what are the chances of us getting rid of those two stud tables in there and replacing them with NORMAL sized tables? Us fat bastards are going crazy sitting ten-handed at those damn things. Well, I draw seat 6.

The guy in Seat 5 isn't even in the MIDDLE of the table...we are both supposed to be splitting the box...he is almost in the 6 seat! I ask the dealer to square up the table. The guy turns and gives me the stink eye. Old guy. Weird face. Oh boy...here we go again. The CURSE of the OLD CRAZY MAN! I say "Sir, not sure why you are giving me a dirty look, I would just like to get in there and sit in my seat, not your lap, and you are way too far over." We pretty much avoid each other...for awhile.

I pick up KK when I really need it...raise in the 2 spot....and get...KILL ME....FOUR callers. Great. We know I am losing this one. FLOP comes A J 4...two hearts. Dude in BB goes all in for 4400. Son of a bitch. I muck. Did he have an ace or a flush draw? Who knows....all I know is that there were still THREE guys left to act, and didn't like my chances of spiking a K. Damn KINGS! But I somehow survive. In a SB vs BB tussle...the old coot limps in again and I look down at 10-7 off for about the 5th time in the last ten hands. I say "Oh this hand AGAIN...lets see what you can do dealer"....the flop comes 10 high. He checks. I bet pretty big. He pauses. I say..."Is top pair good here!?" "if you really HAVE top pair it is!"

I tell him I do...not proud of my kicker, but yeah I do. And he goes into this weird freaking impersonation of a Japanese/Asian person. I still don't know what the relevance was. He asks me if I have seen his 'Japanese Impersonation' and I of course tell him no. And here he goes...apparently he had done this at his previous table because someone told me about it on the next break. He goes into the whole facial contortion required to pull of such an act. And after his act ends...and he folds, and I show him the 10...it dawns on me.

WOW. I am white. With German, English, Dutch and some Sioux Indian in me. So my life has been pretty, well...smooth, when it comes to things having to deal with racial overtones. What I am saying is I cant say I have ever been sitting in a situation where someone is pretending to be "A monkey" and doing, saying and acting in a way that would make me want to get up...walk over...and smack the shit out of someone.

What must that feel like? To be black, I am sure that requires great self discipline all throughout life. I admire those who are able to handle the shit they must go through. I don't know if I could do it. I really don't. Its a very sensitive subject. But I will say this, don't think for one second of the rest of eternity that you will ever catch ME, or anyone I am friends with ( I HOPE) acting in a way that would denigrate someone's ethnicity. As this clown was doing this, I just started feeling (on top of uncomfortable and awkward) that if there were ANY Asian player at the table...that I would FULLY understand if that guy got up, picked up a bat...walked over...and clubbed that fucker til he was unconscious.

I mean...what is this guy thinking? Trouble is, I bet he doesn't even KNOW that what he is doing is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. And that is what REALLY SUCKS about it. Okay...enough about that. Frankly, I think the guy had a screw loose. Big Time. He would make that abundantly clear later with more obscure shenanigans.

Our table breaks. I escape him. Meanwhile, I notice that crazy boy...who had over 40K when they broke our table two levels ago...is now no longer with us. No..he is out. WOW. But 'Ol Monkey is still here bitches. Short stack maybe, but alive. Well Diana the dealer is in the 3 seat playing. Don't know about Diana. Not sure if she hates me or what...for about a year now whenever she sees me she just glares at me.

Not really sure what brought that on, but I always now just pretty much ignore her. Well I am in the BB and of course haven't looked yet. The button guy Min Raises from 1200 to 2400. Diana raises to 5400. Hmm...I look down at AK...and sitting on 6500 decide its time to rock and roll. I move all in. Min Raise guy folds (says he had A6...guess that makes sense) and she CANT fold...she has JJ.

First card in the window is a King ball...and it holds up. She throws a mini-fit...and I have my courtesy double up at just the right time. That was one of the VERY few times I went to a showdown with a hand all night. In fact, I went to showdown three times! We got down to 15 and whenever I would raise everyone just got out of the way. So am picking up nice pots and slowly building up a nice stack.

I just keep hoping to god that I don't go out again between 10-14 like I have three times in the last two weeks. I really need just to get to the final table to feel good about things. Had a nice conversation with my backer earlier in the day, who is finally starting to come to terms with just how much of the bankroll was killed out in Vegas, and I can feel her wanting me to do something big in this next event. And I REALLY want to do something big FOR her. We have a better deal now on paper for her. And if I could maybe WIN this thing...that would be a good way to kick things off.

Well, I manage to stay out of the way of danger, and make the final table. SWEET! Well, we know what TIME it is now! RED SNAPPER TIME BABBBBY! I find three guys who will enjoy a FINAL TABLE SNAPPER with me...and the order is made. By the way:

RED SNAPPER

Equal parts- CROWN ROYAL, AMARETTO Di SARONNO, CRANBERRY...with a splash of Sprite (the secret ingredient, giving it the effervescent quality necessary to have a truly magnificent Snapper) shaken like a mother...and served as a shot!

(Will's Final Table and his Top 10 list to be put up soon)

The Twilight Zone

...You are Now Leaving The Twilight Zone; Turn Off The Lights!

I have had three of the weirdest days I can remember. Oh...now that's just silly. Almost every day of my life is weird! As I am writing this I am sitting online in a $11 27 person SNG. With 12 left...I had 6000 chips and was chipleader, with 12 left! THere is currently 12 left and I am now all in, pot committed with 345 chips...with 2 3 offsuit! NICE! Really NICE! This follows the other two sngs and one MTT where I was 2-outed twice....and 3-outed the other time. I am on a current streak that would make one think PokerStars employs little Keebler-Elf like bastards who sit at a control board with switches and levers...that manipulate the cards. AA? Is that a good starting hand? or would you rather have 22? [ I have just moved all in with my 2nd favorite hand 6-7 suited with 345 chips and am not looking to see what happened] I won! Vs 8-10. Hit the 6. Nice. Back to my question. No...how about just the punch line? The last 17 times I have had AA on PokerStars...I have won T-W-I-C-E !!!!! That's right. 2 for 17!
Deuces? 8 for 15. That's right. So again, I ask you...Aces? Or Deuces? Back down to $408 and here comes the $200 BB. Did I mention my account balance has PLUMMETTED to $22.05! I really NEEDED a win here. Q7 in BB and this same asshole is MN RAISING ME AGAIN. He has A8. Expecting to hear that sound...."thank you for playing" Yup there it went. OUT! AGAAAAAAIN! Oh...he hit THREE 8's Of course he did. THEY ALL DO! Let me just go smash something...and I will be right back with you here!

THE OLD LADY EXPRESS!!!!!!!! (and Grumpy Old Men Should Stay HOME!)

Today is Thursday. Yesterday was Wednesday. I didn't play on Tuesday. The weather for the past week has been just gawd-awful. Rain, rain and MORE rain. My back yard is literally a swamp. After having just laid down all that sod to repair the holes my dog created out there....its kind of good, the rain, to promote growth of the new sod...but now its all like, well, have you ever let a sponge STAY in water? It gets almost jelly like and starts to fall apart. Kind of what my yard is doing. And the grass that needed to be cut LAST Friday? Well tomorrow is Friday again...and its NOT getting any shorter. Just give me TWO days of total sunshine and 90 degree heat please!???

I made the journey to the Beau on Wednesday night. There was actually a very nice crowd. 73 players. $2100 for first. Not bad, not bad. Guarded my 10,000 chips in the early going. Pick up QQ three times and play them perfect each time...getting called ALL three times I raised with them (because there is such a high level of respect for decent players who make early position raises at this fucking place!) ...and betting out...each time with a damn K on the flop...and winning. Whew! Stayed around the average for the first three levels. Then we get down to 22. I have Maria...Tony's wife...on my right. Which is a very good thing. I've never really addressed the whole 'friends helping friends' concept...but it really does come into play. USUALLY. She arrived shortstack. She gets her big moment...in the BB...a guy raises. The button goes all in, and she wakes up with KK. She is up against 55 and 66. Oh..you KNOW she is losing that one! But no.....after the turn card...I call her a Q on the river...and the river is???? A Q of clubs. Spooky. She triples up. Must be nice. She gives me a couple walks later. I am still hovering around "needing a double up real bad zone" when she raises me in the SB....with no other callers/raisers. I look down at A10spades. I hate it...but I have got to make a move. I move in, she calls with 88...and of course....I BRICK IT! Son of a bitch. Another 4 hours of my life...LOST! Hmmmm...what to do what to do? My buddy Lake was still in. He would make the final table. There was a lady...named Joyce...who from what I hear is the worlds largest luckbox. She was making just RETARDED plays....here is my favorite. Player #1 raises UTG. Player #2 re-raises 3x HIS raise. Player # Joyce/Luckbox/Old Lady...GOES ALL IN! WITH ACE THREE! First guy folds KK! Yeah. Second one calls with AK. THREE BALL. Joyce wins. Great play. NICE! Lake takes 4th. Doenst win enough to make anyone happy. JOYCE the LUCKBOX ends up winning the tournament, and I have yet another reason to curse the poker gods! I decide to go play cash game. (I know I know...WHY MONKEY, WHY?) I sit down...and my new POKER DEVIL...Patricia is dealing. She deals about 3 hands and costs me $120. Then we get a new dealer. And in HALF AN HOUR...I get rivered THREE times...and am down $500. JUST LIKE THAT! You kidding me! Does anyone have a gun? ANYONE?

Well, I decide to go to the extremes. I have now decided it is time to declare WAR on this table. If you are going to suck out on me...from now on...its going to cost you $2000! I pulled out my entire wad...and put it on the table...and you know what? Shit turned. Before long I had my 2000 in front of me (cash) and another $750 in chips. Kind of stayed that way for hours...and when I say hours...I mean....HOURS! At 3am...the...lets just call him...."The Asian Guy who Never Folds and Cant be Bluffed OR SEMI Bluffed". I know that this is kind of a long nickname. But he has earned it. That little bastard cost me about $500. It was 6am when I see housekeeping roaming around the room. Managing at the time is Norm. On the heels of my GUM UNDER THE TABLE rant...I decide to take up a collection and offer these cleaners a good sum of money to scrape off ALL the gum from under the tables. Norm hears this, and for some reason...decides this is somehow inappropriate of me. (???) WHY? I know they don't get paid very well. I know everyone that I talked to hates the gum as much as I do. And everyone was willing to kick in $5 or $10 to solve a problem in desperate need of a solution. But he tells me to let it go...that they will 'put in a request to housekeeping to have it done". Riiiiight. The clock starts today...the over/under is a week. WHO WANTS ACTION!???

At 7:30am....after two calls from Squirrel asking me why the hell I am still at the casino (a really good question) I finally decide...I can't beat the ASIAN GUY WHO NEVER FOLDS AND CANT BE BLUFFED OR SEMI BLUFFED, EVER....so I cut my losses and hit the road. Its daylight. That always freaks me out. Walking out of the casino...and seeing those people who always get up early in the morning...and either go jogging (scary) or you see them at the buffet lining up for breakfast. They all look so alert...and healthy. Wow, I am having a serious moment of self-reflection here! YOu go to your car and that humidity just face fucks you. Then you get in, start your car...pull out of the garage..and BANG..there is that SUN...coming up in the East...right in your FACE! You take your exit...see that damn median with all the weeks growing up all over it....have a small 'come apart'...and continue on, realizing how UNBELIEVABLY HUNGRY you are! ( and how, even if you had the landscaping tools IN your car...you are WAY too tired to get out and FIX that horrible looking island/median of weeds) So you're thinking....maybe I will pull into Mickey D's and get some hash browns...hell maybe even a biscuit. OH NO! The cars are lined up...all the way to the street. SHHHHHHHHIIIITTTTTTT! So you pass. Get home. NO FOOD. Or nothing you can prepare in under 2 minutes. So you go to bed hungry. Your girl is hating you. And you hate poker. Again!

Well, the computer repairman DID show up and fix my laptop...which had become separated from the screen. THREE DELLS in a row, all of them have had the hinge snap in two...thus freeing the screen from the base unit. Grrrr...well its like new now. Squirrels, no longer warranty...just got picked up this morning by DHL...to get HER SCREEN fixed. $200 bucks! GRRRRRR! So...then at 8am...who calls? The guy from the garbage company. WHY? Two days ago...his lazy ass garbage men...who now NEVER get out of their trucks...while picking up my can with their massive steel forks...tore two swaths out of my yard. Then, of course...drove on their way, not mentioning it to me, leaving a note...you know...TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY for it? So their boss shows up....to 'assess the damage.' Great. Thanks buddy. That's what happens when your yard is FULL OF WATER....its REALLY easy to trash! I get very little sleep....so I might as well go play todays tournament. WHY NOT! Decide after last nights drunken craziness, that I will go in today and be reallly low key and mellow. You are about to enter...the twilight zone!

WELCOME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE!

but first....I want to know how that statement started....heard after political campaign messages; "I'm the Poker Monkey, and I A-P-P-R-O-V-E this message" huh? I APPROVE??? This message? Who started that? What kind of English is that? I think this damn thing started about 5 or 6 years ago. And I think it was that hotdog head, John Kerry. Shouldn't it be "I'm Poker Monkey, and I approve OF this message" or "I'm Poker Monkey, and I approvED this message????" Right?

But second...I just finished (because there was just a TWO DAY DELAY between this entry and the one two paragraphs up. Oh yes, and of course TONS of additional tales to tell) watching Michael Phelps win his EIGHTH FREAKING GOLD medal of this Olympics...and I have to say, despite the Chinese and their scheming little ways...this has been a pretty incredible Olympics so far. Watching the ladies in gymnastics, and all the swimmers really, has made me feel a sense of American pride I hadn't felt in a while. Its been nice. Almost makes me want to go work out and get in shape!

Oh and lastly...just want to give my PROPS to The Beau Rivage. Despite the fact I have been getting my clock cleaned in there for the last two weeks...I still have to show my love in a couple of areas. They are listening to the players. The structure changed on those 10,000 chip weekly tourneys...where there was NO ante until the 600/1200 level (which is asinine) they changed it now so that the antes start at 150/300. In just a week, those tourneys are playing a LOT better. The turnouts for the guarantee tourneys (30K at start of month, 15K at middle of month) have been huge. No chance of overlays in THEIR guarantees! Too bad for us. I would like to see them close a couple more cash games down though to get people in and not make them come in late as alternates. I'm not sure of the revenue stream that gets interrupted by doing that, not my area of expertise, I just know that when you get everyone in...they tend to drop about 4 players per half hour...so in two hours or less, you would have two tables returned to cash game. Which is 20 players...which is about how many alternates we continue to get. This upcoming event...that starts Aug 26th...is going to kick ass. I don't know if you all have seen the blind structure and starting chips for these events...but they are GREAT! You can go the www.beaurivage.com and click on poker room, tourney, etc...and click on "tourney rules" and it shows a structure sheet. Very cool. I'm very fired up for this event. And with Johnny, and Eric and the dealers they are bringing in...I think its going to run real smooth!

Ahhhhhh okay, the TWILIGHT ZONE>>>>YA READY!!!!????

I decide, I am going to go into the Beau, after last night's craziness (wed. night) and be real mellow, low key...and slap on my iPod and just chill. Not talk to anyone if I can help it. And on the way in...I even smoked me up a nice fat bowl. I mean I went in there so cooooooool. I'm late, as usual. Thank god poker isn't a job where you get fired for being late. i would SO be fired. Its not like I don't TRY to make it on time. I don't know, something just ALWAYS seems to delay me. It was like that back when I HAD a real job. I got fired a lot for being late all the time. There is a long running debate that people who are always late are inconsiderate, self-centered, irresponsible. They don't respect other peoples time. Wow. Am I ALL those things? I don't feel that way. Sheeeesh.....tough crowd! Well, I know poker MUST be my calling then! Cuz late, is GREAT!

Until you try to sit down...and OLD, GRUMPY GRANDPA next to me first will NOT move even an INCH to allow me to sit down. Then when I politely ask him....LITERALLY, "Hi sir, excuse me, would you mind terribly just giving me a couple inches so I can squeeze in here?" "OH JEEZUZ CHRIST!!!! grrrrr....rrrrrrr.......rrrrrrr......ggggrrrrrrr" Huh? WTF? A while later....I misplay a hand...and mad at myself, I kind of pound my fist on the table...not hard, not hard at all. THe dealer is pitching the cards for the next hand...and his first card slides over the top of his very small stack of chips...and shoots over the rail on the table. This happens at the same, or close to the same time...that I am thumping the table. Well he decides to make this a NATIONAL CRISIS! He insists that because of me his card (a 3 of diamonds...btw) went off the table! I got a "Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD" for that one. The dealer calls the floor over. Heeerrreee's Robin, and its funny because I almost think when she arrives that she knows EXACTLY what is going on. He goes on this tangeant...and it culminates when he says "He has said three offensive things to me already and I'm tired of it!" Well Omar was at the table and his eyebrows shot up at the same time MINE DID. I said to the guy "Sir, are you nuts? Seriously...if you are insane, I will just let you be...but if you ARENT crazy...then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!???When and HOW did I offend you? What did I say to or about you!??? NOT A THING. If you can think of those three things TELL HER THEM. DOnt just say I said THREE OFFENSIVE remarks to you and then not cite even ONE of them!" YOU LYING OLD PEICE OF SHIT! I did LEAVE THAT out! Of course he couldn't cite one. We got the standard... "You two please stop talking to each other" result. I went over to Robin and gave her the play-by-play and she pretty much laughed. Well, it would get worse...and I think, FUNNIER.

WHO REMEMBERS K7 spades guy...from the Saturday that I got 4th place a couple weeks ago? Well, I was in seat 4...and unbeknownst to me...K7 DONKEY GUY was in SEAT 6. I had about two hands involving me where I tried to get him off a hand and he just KEPT ON CALLING. And winning. And I'm like...jeeez how does this shit brain keep making these calls? Then I watch him make utterly horrendous plays against other players. I still am not making the connection on who this moron is. Then he lets the CAT OUTA THE BAG! Reeeeeeeeeooooooooooooowwwwwwww!!!!! (that's the sound of cat being released, angrily, from 'the bag')
I am busy talking about someone's hand, not sure what went down...I wasn't being critical but merely observer role....but Six Seat suddenly blurts out "I dont know who YOU are to talk about sucking out! I should have knocked you out of that tournament last week (it was actually two weeks, but I think he must be reliving it every day and cant be MADE to believe it was TWO weeks ago!) if it wasn't for you sucking out on me!" I looked at him...and just said "Oh my god! That's YOU? KING SEVEN SUITED GUY FOR $4800 chips guy!!!????" "WOW, I cant believe you are even sharing that at a table where you wouldn't want people knowing you are that kind of player!! You are seriously still thinking about that hand!??? Dude, you called an UTG raise first of all...with it....the mighty K7....then another guy calls...and I re-raise 4800...which prompts the first guy to fold....and then...SOMEHOW...YOU CALL! You call off YOUR WHOLE TOURNAMENT with K7!!!!!!" "Yeah well, I was ahead of you...I turned a flush! (which if you remember gave me a set of 9's and I filled up on the river...while he was still celebrating thinking he had won, the idiot) and should have won!!!" I again reminded him that he called off HIS WHOLE TOURNEY PREFLOP with K7. But it just wasn't getting through to him. And by now the whole table, except for the Grumpy Old Man...is snickering. Well, now Old Jackass decides we are AFFECTING THE GAME now...as there is a little hand giong on at the other end of the table. He orders the dealer to call the floor, stating "Its against the tournament rules for them to be talking during the hand" among other things I cant even remember. I again had the "are you insane" conversation with him. By now the whole room was dialed into this little SPAT that I was having with FATHER TIME. Incidentally...me and Omar made a $5 Over/Under bet on how long Seat 6 would last in the tourney. It was 7:16pm...and set the time at 7:35pm...Omar took the over. Well, at 7:23 knucklehead raises UTG with QJ offsuit. He gets re-raised by middle position...and he calls. Of course. He ALWAYS calls. Well, the flop comes Q high and you can kiss his ass goodbye as he shoves all in and gets called by the guy holding KK. SHIP ME THAT FIVER OMAR!!!! Old GROUCH is giving us some weird look. Not sure what it means. Don't really care. K7 suited Seat 6 Donkey Boy is OUT! I order a couple of Perrier's...that's right...PERRIERS...that's WATER....from Wendy. They arrive. I am trying to tip her and she is trying to run away. I toss the chip on her tray. As this is happening I hear Mr Crusty say "I'll be so glad when he leaves this table!" Huh? I look at Omar...what was that? What did he say? Omar wont be the bad guy...he just shrugs his shoulders. I ask him..."what did I do now sir? why are you angry this time!!!???" You know what he says? "You guys think I am SO stupid! Well, I'm not an idiot! I know what you're up to!" Um...sir....yes....you ARE AN IDIOT! Just what the hell he was upset about, or talking about...or KNEW what we were up to...I have NO FREAKING IDEA! I just wanted to bust this guy so bad!

I FINALLY GET MOVED! OH PRAISE ALLAH! Wait. WHAT? ALLAH!??? Strike that! PRAISE ROBIN! For getting me away from that NIGHTMARE! Well....wait now, I get moved to another table...right next to...GRANDMA GRUNT! Who just happens to have a MOUNTAIN of chips! Ohhhhh gooooddddyyyyyy!!!! I playfully ask her "So are you going to take all of MY chips too!??" "if you want to give them to me!" Oh. Boy. Good times. Nice table move. 3 minutes into my arrival she almost freaks out as my foot (wearing flip flops) brushes her foot. "Can you PLEASE be careful not to step on my foot! (which btw is wearing a sandal/shoe with fully exposed foot) I have diabetes and I cant take any contact to my foot. So will you please not get near my foot!???" I said, sure...just scooted over, since we were down to 14 players and were 7 and 7 on each table. Then I asked her what the diabetes had to do with her feet, because I'm an ignorant moron and didn't know the connection and then tried to be, I don't know...charming....by goofing around with her, saying "yeah my feet are just real big and I'm just clumsey! I''m sorry" No no...not gaining any traction at all. Just give it up Monkey!

THE DEPARTURE!
I have around 13K in chipsl Granny Apple has probably 80K. A guy in early position limps in for 1600. She completes the blind. I am in the BB with QJ. In retrospect I probably should have just moved all in. But I didn't know anything about how this table was playing. And I didn't know at the time...but OLD LADY apparently was VERY loose, so pushing in there probably would have worked out for me. He might have called, but she SURELY would have folded her FREAKING J-5. FLOP comes Q-J-5..she checks...and I am going for a check raise, so I check too. He checks. DAMN it. A two hits the turn. She bets out 3000. I move all in. Other guy folds of course. She calls...turns over her hand. Two pair vs. two pair. DONT DO IT! FIVE ON THE RIVER......son of a BITCH! Out 14th. I do ONE good thing. I WALK PAST THE CASH GAME and go HOME!

UPON REFLECTION...

You know...what is the deal? What is it about me? How can I just walk into a poker room, sit at a table...with every intention of being INVISIBLE...and yet still finding someone who wants to just KILL ME? Now I understand when I am ACTING nuts! When I go LOOKING to needle people. In Vegas, I go play those midnight tourneys at Ceasers and I just RAISE HELL! And I do it on purpose. And I LOVE pissing off the STICKS IN THE MUD players. But HOW! HOW!!!!??? When I go there as calm, half baked, quiet guy...and STILL piss off that player? I don't get it. Okay..........

I did NOT play Friday. Me and Squirrel stayed up all night watching movies. Just watching movies. I then discovered my new Blackberry Curve out on the front doorstep. TMobile strikes again! Hey whenever you are ready for a new kickass phone, and don't want to pay what they are asking for it (always too much) just find another cell carrier that is offering a better deal, call customer care...and throw that in their face. It helps if you have been a customer for, say...7 years. Three times now...I have come out with the phone I want, for the price I WANT to pay..and got hooked up with a better calling plan! Well, the phone was out on the porch, we found it at 3am. I decided to give Squirrel my old Blackberry, and as I am trying to make the switch...discover my new phone is FUCCCCCKED up! NO! Spend hours on the phone with their support dept, run all these tests, download software updates....MY GAWD....before they FINALLY decide its a dud! This is at 6:20am! Now I have to go the next day, UPS it BACK TO THEM...and they will send me a new one. One good thing, I now know EVERYTHING about that phone. The guy I was talking to tells me...I have NEVER, EVER heard of this happening with this phone! Let me tell ya all something...my whole life, I don't care what it is, where it is, what is got to do with...if there is something that has NEVER happened, or NEVER happpens....it HAPPENS TO ME! I will be the FIRSt in everything having to do with SHIT THAT WONT WORK RIGHT! Cars, stereos, phones,women,DOESNT MATTER!

( I am watching Womens Beach VOlleyball right now....its almost UNbearable. Wow. Its really NOT fair!!!!)

Anyway...Blackberry guy the next day, as I am explaining the situation...tells me "yeah I always seem to be the guy who the weirdest things happen to, just like you!" What? There is two of us? No way! maybe we are related!

The rest of the day was spent trying to win a bet with Hod, who is the Photo Editor or something for Rounder Magazine. BTW, the new issue just hit the stands...it looks really great. The chick on the cover is HOT as shit. But on the flip side.....oh you know what? Never mind that. I keep forgetting that a LOT of people are reading this now. (allegedly) There is a pic of me in there and I look HORRIBLE. Like I had been up for three days and just crawled out of bed. Wait, I guess that's almost an oxymoron isn't it? Anyway. Side bet. I started the day on Pokerstars with $22.05. Hod challenged me..saying I couldn't have my account up to $122 by Midnight ET. FINE! You're on! In between...since it was finally sunny, I was running out and mowing the lawn in sessions? Why? because I bought into two different .05/.10 games for $10 each. I had my balance on one up to $28 and the other up to $58....and didn't want to sit out for 3 rounds or it kicks you off the table. I was killing the table. So I would mow for about 20 minutes at a time before I finally got it all cut. Well, of course...as we were almost two hours from the deadline and me sitting at $105 after cashing a $5 sit n go...then winning a $5.50 16 player Heads Up tourney...for another $30....I get ass-raped again by pokerstars. I have trips and the guy with QQ hits his Q on the river to crunch me. Then I have A3 and am looking at a board of A-3-A-7-9.......and get it all in with a guy who just HAPPENS to be sitting there with A7. No way. KILL ME! I lose the bet. I ship him the $20 I lost...and go take a bath. A nice...long....hot....bath.

And I go to bed......to get a nice long night of sleep....so I can go the Beau Rivage for Saturdays $230, $15k guarantee at noon! I need a win............

Monkey Tuesday

Lord...why is it that people who are hired to do a simple task will make it seem like the hardest thing ever attempted? I just had another delightful experience at The Hard Rock Casino. They should really start calling it Rock and A Hard Place Casino...because everytime I go there, that is what it seems like every Executive decision that they are forced to make comes down to. ITS NOT THAT HARD!

Cheryl and I get invited to go see comedy...it was her night off. The night before was her night off too. We went in there to play cash game. It did not go well. This guy raises $12. He ALWAYS raised $12. I had K8 of diamonds...and frankly, was sick of folding to this clown, only to hit the flop about 35% of the time. So I called. The flop comes 844. He bets $40. That smelled like horseshit to me....so I raise him. I had $140 left at this point....so I put it ALL IN THERE. He squirms around in his seat...and says "Oh I guess you DID get some of that" to which I reply..."Well, I certainly am not bluffing my WHOLE stack with nothing man." He claims that he is about to make a terrible call...yet he does it anyway. Turn is a 5. The river is a 6. What does he turn over? 66. That's right....666....the Devil....is BACK again!!!!! And he announces...."Trip sixes" to which I reply....actually you have a set...and excuse me for asking...but what the FUCK were you thinking when you made that call? I mean, I'm not trying to be rude, ugly or berate you...I just really, truly want to know what is/was going on in your mind that would make you call there? If you don't mind my asking? They never give us a good answer though do they? But wouldn't it be great if they could? Just ONCE? Oh anyway...wasn't really talking about that night....not sure how I thought about it, probably because I was already irritated walking back in there. We meet at the center bar...get a drink...lose $40 playing video poker...and make our way to meet our friends inside of Vibe.

Upon arriving at the door...we encounter the door guy who greets us with "Hey, you guys cant come in here with those!" Referring to our drinks. How nice, and what a pleasant greeting. I said..."that is fine, however...can you tell me the reason? Out of curiosity...since this IS one casino with ONE roof, yeah?" "yeah man I know what you mean...they don't tell me a reason...just that I'm not allowed to let anyone in here with outside drinks." Ummmm hmmmm....okay, very nice. Very hospitable. One of the other girls with us, who is a bit like me...edgy...says "You know it would be okay if they could just be a little more nice about it, instead of just jumping up our ass and telling us we cant bring these in here!" Yeah...I couldn't agree with you more.

So we get in there...and we wait...for half an hour...for a waitress. NOPE. Not happening. So we go to the bar to get our own drink. We order two margaritas. Squirrel wants one of the big glasses...and is told that they aren't allowed to use those glasses. That they are only for 'restaurant use.' HUH? Then another girl orders wine...and I see these big beautiful wine glasses on the back bar....but oh no! That glass of wine will be served in a soda glass. NICCCCEEE! Same reason I'm assuming. You see, this place is a combination restaurant/club...and when its a club..you get charged premium prices for a drink but are forced to drink it like you're at an outdoor concert. That is awesome. Well we get our drinks and are standing there watching the opening act...or maybe he was the MC, I'm not sure...but he was DYING on stage...and it was obvious to EVERYone...not just the 'comedy savvy'. I felt bad for the guy...but my gawd...get off the stage dude before people start throwing fruit!

The Comedy thing; I guess they started doing it every Monday. Its a good idea. There was actually a nice crowd there. We brought 15 so that helped. The two acts who performed were both good. Not sure where they were from...but they both seemed very experienced and everyone laughed, so its worth checking out again. The drink situation though...holy shit. Finally a girl comes by to take an order. Squirrel orders another margarita. The girl looks at me...I say "I will have one also"....she leaves. She returns 20 mintues later with ONE. FUCK! She tells me "$9" and I say...is that for both of them that I ordered or just this one? Hereeeee we go. Of course you didn't hear me...may I please have one. Sure...$18. She wants it up front. GREAT! I give her a $100. She leaves. Oh...guess I will get my change later. She is about 10 feet away at another table, and the girl at my table asks why I didn't get my change? I say "well, I am assuming she didn't have enough to make change...I sure hope she doesn't think I am leaving her an $82 tip!" Me and the guy sitting next to me then decide its time to bus our table. I figure one or two empty glasses/bottles is acceptable in this environment....but you reach your breaking point when there is no longer a place to put your car keys on the table, let alone your cell phone! So we make two runs each to the bar with what amounted to two bus tubs full of empty drinks. Classy joint!

I go do a lap of the room, Squirrel was in the bathroom. Decided to just go get my drink at the service bar. I walk up behind the waitress.....and hear her...LITERALLY hear her...talking to the other waitress..."and the fucking douchebag says...I hope she doesn't think that was a tip!!! What a fucking asshole!" I tapped her on her shoulder...and it was VERY funny. Kind of that look your little brother made when you walked into his bedroom and caught him jerking off when he was 13. Or that face someone makes when they KNOW they just stepped in dogshit...and have NO way of getting it off! And are late getting to an important meeting! It was priceless. I didn't go off...no no, instead, I very calmly said to her..."You know sweetheart, as a rule, when you are disparaging your guests...it might be a good idea to first make sure they aren't standing right behind you listening to every word....." and I walked over to the other side of the bar...where two of Squirrel's friends had witnessed the WHOLE thing! They were in stitches, and telling the Bartender...who used to be, and might STILL be...the beverage manager, what just happened. Wow! I went back to the table. A couple minutes later a totally different waitress came over with my drink....and $18...and an apology. Well, okay. Good effort. But can we please put the guilty party out of everyone's misery? Two of the girls who were there the week before said that the same waitress who called me names was talking shit about EVERYONE in there...and her choice of words for everyone last week was....that all time favorite that rhymes with PUNT. Whoooooaaaaaa.....maybe someone needs to find a new line of work!!!!???? Ya think???? The night wasn't over.

The comedy ends. We leave. Everyone wants to play poker. We go to the poker room. There are TWO tables open. One limit...and one No Limit. There are 5 names on a list. There are 5 of us who want to play. They have NO other dealers. You gotta be kidding me. Put us on the list. We go to the Middle Bar..whatever its called. I call it the Good Place to Lose Your Ass Drinking and Playing Video Poker Bar. Half an hour goes by. We walk back to the poker room. Sorry...still no openings. And of course...still just two dealers.

Oh I almost forgot...during the comedy show....there was this couple, lets call them...well....I will be nice. The lady...who ran about 340 maybe...was the one who wanted to be heard EVERY time the comedian said or asked something. The greatest one was when he was asking "where's my Rednecks" and her and her husband shot their hands up in the air and started what I guess you would describe as a Rebel Yell. Wow....if watching Jerry Springer doesn't make you feel better about your life...then looking at these two hicks surely would.

I get bored with sitting around drinking and decide to go play 3-card poker. The lady dealer is pretty cool. We are winning a little bit. Then I get invaded...by Squirrel and three of her friends. Okay. That's fine. Then my dealer gets relieved by his breaker.....a dude. An overweight, balding, no personality-having dude. By this time I am on margarita number...mmmmm lets call it 12. The girl next to me...I dont know one time I needed one of her cards, she needed one of mine, and we were joking about it. Bobby Personality snaps at us...all serious like...like maybe the CIA was about to come swooping in if we didn't watch it! "YOU CANT TOUCH ANOTHER PLAYERS CARDS!!!!!!!" alright, easy there scrappy! Then a while later, we had both put our cards down with our bets...two winners we hoped. He turned his over...and I was trying to remember what she had and when I went to peak (yeah yeah I know, Im not ALLLOWED...keep in mind here kids, I am a little drunk) and dude goes FUCKING NUTS! He calls the floor guy over. Floor guy tells me the rules, I acknowledge them and say I'm sorry. Floor guy leaves, Personality Paul makes some other comment, which causes me to make another comment...and he calls the FLOOR again! Yeah...CALL the floor you schmuck! Business in here is SO good, and you are MAKING so much money, that its a great idea for you to PISS us all off and run us off the table! Floor guy comes over, he tells him "I'm gonna have a problem with this guy"...I start laughing! I'm like..."wow, HE is going to have a problem with ME! ME would be the one spending money and tipping...HE would be the one with the terrible attitude who has done nothing but crawl up my ass since he got here!" At this juncture two of her friends ask to cash out! It was at this time...that you would MOST like your better half to kind of come to your rescue...at least defend you...at least don't THROW YOU under the bus! But no...that's what mine did...jumps all over me about MINDING the dealer, about NOT being rude to him....ohhhhhhhh noooooooo......that's it......IM OUTA HERE! So I just grab all of my chips....and BOLT! Left her there. Went home. Won a couple sng's on Stars...then lost 8. Then passed out. Then woke up at 4am to her and her smashed friend stumbling in...missing her cell phone. I end up driving her friend home...coming home...and sleeping in the guest room. GREAT NIGHT!

Rough Week in the Poker Room

This is going to be an 'all-over-the-road' blog that I almost expect to be very long...which I am expecting Wild Bill to cut in half...maybe in thirds. I've taken to creating a memo on my Blackberry...and whenever a thought crosses my mind I enter it in there. I am not sure if my bizarre thoughts or ideas are of any use to any of you...or if it provides entertainment. Its a good question. What makes someone share their thoughts with anyone willing to listen? While others will keep all their thoughts buried deep inside the chasms of their mind? Is either one healthy?

After my departure today from the Beau Rivage Saturday tourney...a tourney that ended on the...ahhh...second hand I played. (give it to you quick...sit down, 8 minutes late...2nd hand...limp with KQ spades UTG...get two callers...then a guy who has been known to make a LOT of goofy ass raises early in tourneys...makes another one...from 50 to 350. WTF. BB calls. Well...shit, I'm in there. The flop comes 9s-10s-2h......wow. The raiser makes it 1200. BB folds. We started with 4500 chips. I am either doubling up early in this bitch...or I am getting the I#*@#$(@ out of there. And with THAT many sick outs...I don't care if this guy has AA....which...ummm..is what he had! I raised him...he called what was essentially my all in. Turn a Q...so lets see...going to the river, I am pretty sure I had...15, 17? outs? Regardless...its ME and the BEAU RIVAGE..trying to work together as one...and very predictably...I fail to hit a spade, a Q, a K....a J....yeah.....DONE SON!) Where was I? Yes...l race out to my car...which was STILL in the valet lane...perfect, and convenient. I call the I.P. which is about 4 minutes from closing registration in their noon tourney. Whoever answered the phone is being 'less than helpful' so I finally get someone I know on the phone...and he holds me a seat. BTW...I haven't forgotten the reason for this paragraph....its about a text message I got from my friend, Terry Lake Garner..who is still back at the Beau sitting at the table I just vacated. I will get there. I get to the I.P. and pay my $130...just like I just paid at the Beau Rivage.

I'm going to tell you how this tourney went. And I'm going to tell you a few things about the I.P. I will start with the tourney. I play the first 6 levels almost flawlessly. I go to showdown only a few times...winning one (AK vs KK...river an A) losing one...when I was priced into a call. The rest of the day I was mostly raising and winning. Or raising limpers and winning. We got down to 2 tables. It was only paying 6...as there were only 38 registered players (more on this later). With 13 left...and me holding 25K...and the blinds 800/1600....shortstack...first to act....MOVES ALL IN...for $7700. This is where I made my first crucial error. I hate calling coin flip situations for more than 15-20% of my stack..as you all know. I had enough to probably at least make the money. But with the structure being as bad as it was...I probably NEEDED to make that call. This guy could NOT have had a very decent hand to be open shoving right there. Sure enough...he shows me A7 D. Oh....yeah....I was holding A10 C. Dammit. At the time I was thinking more in terms of what losing $7700 would mean as opposed to what getting my stack to $32K would mean. Bottom line...I KNEW I was ahead...and the only payout that was worth a shit was 1st place...$1300. The rest was just chump change. So I should have MADE that call.

Well, we get to the final table...and I still have around 22K. Second hand I get 10-10...and Stan (who deals part time...you will see him at the Beau Rivage in a couple weeks. Stan is a really, really great guy, and a strong poker player. An older gentleman. As a dealer...well...I hope they have the auto shuffler on all the tables at the Beau for this next event) raises UTG...and I am like....SHIT! I deliberate over this...and finally lay down tens. Way I figured it...I had 22K...he has about 18K. If I raise there is no way he is folding. If I call...the 4500...that puts me in rougher shape...and just about NEED to flop a 10. So...showing the other side of the table my cards (I think it helps to let them see how strong of a laydown I am capable of...good for later, I HOPE) I fold...and a couple of them kind of gasp. Whoaaaa...no wayyyyy! Its called a good laydown, Donkeys! BB folds. Stan shows QQ. The dealer sort of glanced at the flop cards...and whispered to me that I would have been screwed. The BURN CARD was the 10! So I sit there...and go card dead....for about three orbits. I find myself slowly blinding out. There are 7 left. Old Man Coke Bottle Glasses...who has been irritating everyone all day...he stands up most of the time...brings his cards up, off the table...to within an inch of face...then acts. Constantly asking "how much is it to call?" He has made some of the screwiest calls...some of the screwiest plays...then somehow goes on this ridiculous tear...and is close to chipleader. I need to win a pot! Heads up in the blinds...he limps in. I look at 10-6 h and check. Flop comes A-K-6....he checks. I bet 2500. HE CALLS! Great. I'm dead. Turn was I don't know. he checks. I check. River is a Q. He checks. I almost move in...but decide...you know what? He is going to call with ANYTHING....I check. He rivered the Q. yeah he stayed in with the gutshot. Why not!?? DAMMIT! So now, feeling the heat....in the SB....it folds around to me...and I am sitting there with 9-10 suited...and about 6500 in the pot. "I'm all in!" "I call" "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" He turns over AJ h. Ugh...nice hand sir. Flop...AJK. Lovely. QUEEN PLEASE? NO NO...lets put a J on the turn...drawing dead.....OUT 7th...BUBBLE BOY!!!!!! SON OF A BITTTTTTTCCCHHHHHHH!!!!! I blew it! IF I make the call with A10 c....and get all those chips, I first of all don't make the move on old man coke bottle rims. Then with the 9-10..I limp in....he raises, and I fold. So pissed. On a day when it looked like I would perhaps run over the field...I don't even cash! I stand by my belief that I have the hardest, most stressful job in America. Right behind the President.

Now lets talk about the I.P. I ask...when are these guys going to pull their head out of their ass and put a decent product on the table? OOOps...sorry if that came off as sounding like a HARSH preamble! This MOVE they have been talking about...moving the poker room to the main level...has been in the works now for...what? A year? Or does it just seem like a year? That room up there is akin to a cave. Minus Yogi and Booboo. Actually, I think I saw BooBoo at the final table today. I have had this conversation with Ronnie so many times I am not bringing it up again. I surrender. I literally will ONLY play tourneys at the IP when I bust out early enough at the Beau to allow me to get over there in time. The structure there is REEEEE-diculous! What's funny...is the first 6 levels are great. 25/50, 50/100, 100/200...then 100/200 with a 25 ante. Love that bonus round that so many leave out now. 150/300 with 50. 200/400 with 75. 300/600 with 100. Then...when you have been playing pretty well...it dawns on you...HOLY SHIT...if I don't have 20,000 chips here...I AM DEAD! Because that is where it turns into a "who is gonna get hit with the deck and have their hands hold up against shortstack guy going all in with A4, A8, K10......crap! CONTEST."
Because then the structure goes from 3/6 to 500/1000. (Forget 400/800). Then lets just go to 800/1600. (Never mind 600/1200). Lets go to 1000/2000 next, okay, obviously. But then hey...why not jump right to 2000/4000. Then 4000/8000. FORGET IT. That's when it becomes a running joke. Reward the good players early....then just KICK THEM IN THE FACE! I talked to Ronnie about it in the spring and I was pretty sure he said "we would work on it," well no work has been done...and every PLAYER who calls himself a PLAYER....that I talked to....HATES IT! Its a structure designed to get the thing over. We get to the Final Table and the first thing they do is tell us what a 10-way chop would pay. Suggestive? Yeah..ya think? I could understand if there were tables filled in the poker room...and them wanting to free up the last table. But there is always like MAYBE 3 or 4 cash games running. Its a joke. And I'm a little sick of their 'rabbit-eared' dealers too. While there are a handful of dealers there who I really, really like...there are those ones...you know the ones. Hate their job. Hate the players. Basically just hate life. You will misplay a hand...be mad at yourself...and mumble to yourself something like...."jeezuz...I'm an idiot...fuuuuck me!" which invites the scorn of Bugs Bunny...."watch your language sir!" Let me remind you dealers...when they make the announcement regarding language..its stressed that language is NOT TO BE DIRECTED at OTHER PLAYERS or used in an abusive or offensive manner! When I am CURSING AT MYSELF FOR GODS SAKE...and no one else is listening.....but YOU....its time for you to shuffle up the freaking cards and deal out another hand! GOT IT!???

Start times! This is a corporate pissing contest. I almost wish The Beau Rivage would just take the initiative and start their Saturday and Sunday tourneys at 2pm. But why should they? They have a better product. And they started their tourney schedule first. Its the same exact thing that the morons at Ceaser's Palace did this summer. Why start a tourney at noon, when your competitor is starting THEIRS at noon? It's stupid! Do you realize the Tournament Player Pool in this town is pretty shallow? By starting at the same time you are mainly shooting yourself in the foot...but in essence you are hurting EVERYONE! Start your damn tournaments at 2 or 3 pm! Most of the players will play at noon at the Beau. Your regulars will continue to play at your site. But what you will get is the players who bust out from the Beau from 12 to 3. And extend your deadline to get in; to TWO levels. ONE LEVEL and you stop taking players? That is ALSO ridiculous! I'm just curious...aren't you guys TRYING TO MAKE MONEY!??? There is nothing impressive about going to a Saturday tournament that has 38 total players. Its embarrassing! Bad Structure. Bad attendance. Bad product. I think when they move the room, they have a REAL SHOT to change things over there...and if they do, I will talk them up just as much as I am talking them DOWN right now. It works both ways. I am not afraid to throw a punch. But I am also not afraid to throw praise. And right now...they deserve very little over there. One good thing about the IP, that I discovered at their last event in March...they redid all the rooms over there. The regular rooms look much better. The suites are totally KICK ASS and gorgeous. And the best part of the IP is their Day Spa. For $15...you can go in there...all day...use the gym, use the steam room, which is amazing...use the spa....and their hot tub has a cascading waterfall that hits you at the neck and shoulders...its amazing. It is the ultimate way to spend a dinner break in a poker tourney. In fact, I will probably pack my bathing suit all during the Beau Rivage tourneys...and should I make the dinner break (I better make them ALL!!!!) I will hot foot it over to IP and chill in the spa for the hour. And they also re-did their pool up on the roof...its also pretty kickass...big huge screen TV...and by huge...I mean...HUGE....on the wall at the end of the pool. Great way to spend a Sunday afternoon during football season. Or for that matter a Saturday. THere ya go I.P. the MONKEY has given you some GOOD P.R. to go with the shitty P.R. You are welcome! Oh and also, the valet workers are VERY, VERY friendly...even if it does take a long time to get your car most of the time. Make sure you always have a good book with you!

This entry is getting long. The text message from Lake reads something like this......"maybe if you spent as much time working on your good qualities, you would get farther in life" something like that. Basically, he was telling me that my attitude sucked today, and that a lot of players were making mention of it while I was leaving the Beau Rivage tourney. Only a friend tells you stuff like that. One thing about me...I NEVER get mad at friends when they tell me ANYTHING perceived as negative. That is why they are my friends. Its kind of like having the mirror talking back to you. That make sense? Lake is one of the chattiest, most annoying players you will ever sit next to. Half the players like him, half the players cant stand him. Its like that with me I think as well. Though, through time a lot of players have taken the chance to GET TO KNOW ME...and have discovered I'm not really THAT much of an asshole. The rest...who still think I am an asshole....I don't really give a rat shit about. Life is too damn short to try and win over EVERYONE. But if I can win over, say....85% of the poker community...I'm pretty okay with that. Lake is a nut. I like him. He dresses like me. We have the same sense of humor. He's a good looking guy...with a good looking wife. I identify with him. I like his style of play...although it gets him in trouble a lot. But see, Lake is very successful in life. He's a dentist. He owns a lot of property. He has other ventures. And he just seems LUCKY. He has won the drawing for the Mercedes at his country club up in Hattiesburg THREE times. He is just a lucky son of a bitch! He is famous for calling me or texting me about his bad beats. ON the way to Vegas...he has one...that I basically polled everyone in the car on...and we all decided that it wasn't a bad beat...that he had just played it bad. Plus I think he might have changed how it went down. It was pretty funny. He is like a kid sometimes. Some day soon...Lake is going to win something huge...and it will happen because he gambles...and because he has good poker instincts. It will happen. Mark my word. And in regards to his text message....he's right! I tend to be very moody and attitudinal sometimes. Usually when I am sober, usually early in the day. I hate losing. I hate losing especially when I lose against a player who had NO BUSINESS being in the hand. I think from my life growing up in sports...it made me VERY, VERY competitive. In poker, there has to be that ability to just lose, and very cool-like...shake the guys hand, wish everyone luck...and scoot on out. No cursing my bad luck, inability to EVER hit a draw....getting flustered at the DEALER WHO ALWAYS COOLERS ME....just.....showing my ass. And I have gotten BETTER. And that is because I won an amount of money that allows me to lose....pretty much for the rest of the year before I have to consider a REAL JOB again. When you win, and put the money away, like I did...it alleviates the stress a great amount. But what it doesn't alleviate, is my burning desire to finish FIRST every time I play. I desperately do NOT want to be in ANY SHAPE OR FORM...like Phil Hellmuth. Because then it doesn't matter how good you do, how many people you help outside of poker...how nice you are to your wife...how great you are to your friends.....all they are going to remember about you...and talk about...is what a jackass you are at the table.

Does all this make sense? I think...possibly, that I have some manic depressive issues. And I hate medication as a solution. But I don't know....maybe its a necessity. I just want you all to know...I am trying really hard to NOT be a jerkoff. And its never personal. I think those of you who are my friends KNOW that when I am your friend....I am a GOOD friend...and when I am your adversary....yikes. Its not pretty. Squirrel knows this...and thinks its terrible. She has....pretty sure....NO enemies or adversaries. Everyone likes her. She is constantly counseling me on being more likeable...on representing myself better. She is, of course...always RIGHT. Sometimes...I just get to the point...and there are certain people involved....where I just DONT CARE! And I know its wrong...but it is what it is. So basically...when a friend sends me a text message telling me that I acted like a fucking jerkoff....I appreciate it. If you are a guy who I cant stand, and YOU tell me that...we are going to the parking deck!

My overall week sucked. Took Monday off. Tuesday Squirrel got off work early and we went to dinner...then played some cash game at the Hard Rock again. It was a pretty juicy game...and I actually hit a few draws. We had some terrible Red Snappers...still cant figure out why so many bartenders struggle with the snapper....and when we cashed out I was up $400. Finally, a good cash game session. The next night...Wednesday...played at the Beau Rivage. Ugh. Had a hand I should have called with...that I folded...had a hand I should have folded...and called. Then the tourney ended when this goofy bastard who was wearing his DeepStacks Extravaganza polo shirt (that they were giving away in Vegas for playing...NO ONE wears those things...especially to a poker room...WEAK!!!!) raises $1100 with the blinds 150/300..in middle position...I KNEW I should have re-raised him...holding 66....but don't...the flop comes 4-4-8.....he bets...an amount that just felt like a continuation bet. I move all in on him. He calls and rolls over the ALWAYS POWERFUL K-8!!!!!!!! HUH!???? Ridiculous! That tourney might have been on Thursday. I've lost track. But what I do remember is going down to the cash game....again, a MISTAKE! I sit down at a table that had every kind of dynamic at it. Jason Gladdens girlfriend Jen sits next to me half way through it and we have fun clowning the bad half of the table. One guy....Jen labels...the FREAKING REEEEETARD....made more bad calls than any player I've seen in a cash game in a long time. I was in for 300 and quickly got felted...when Old Guy rivers a flush on me. NICE! I go out...punch a slot machine....sit alone for awhile....wave off three cocktail waitresses...then go back in...rebuy for 200. For two hours...I cant get it over 300. Then...Mark...who always does well for me...moves in...as I was about to leave with 200. But I decide to give him a shot for half an hour. Mark rocks. I move my chip stack to 550. He leaves. All I need is to get to 650 and I'm even counting my tourney buy in. Melinda is moving in. I like Melinda...like her a lot. She's cute, she's funny...she's a good dealer...she's FUN. What I don't like is how bad she KILLS ME in cash game. I KNEW I should have left right then and there. But NOOOOOOOOOO.....I don't....and half an hour later...after two coolers and a bad beat....me and Melinda leave the table at the same time. Me with NO MONEY...her to a new table. I probably hurt her feelings...and for that I am sorry. Its not her fault, I KNOW. She just takes them out of that damn shuffler and fires them around the table. I still like her. But what is it about CERTAIN dealers that just NEVER produce for you??? Is it just me? Cheryl says I am being STUPID. But I don't know...I talk to a lot of you...and I think there is something to it. Well, regardless, I get in my car...and go home. Cheryl knows to leave me alone.

Thursday.....played again. LOST. Don't remember how. Doesn't matter. What matters is that I tried this time to get my buy in back by playing video poker. I bought in for $100. Cheryl comes by...and is like...WHAT THE HELL!??? You bought in for $100!!!??? We aren't rich Souther! Yeah Yeah...I want to hit a Royal Flush! I now have ROYAL FLUSH FEVER...uh oh. While she is standing there I hit a 4 of a kind...and chip up to $127.50...which is as high as I would get. I end up losing it all. I go home. Moping. Meanwhile...on the same day...Rick...crazy rooster...is up early...at the Beau....hitting TWO royal Flushes within an hour of each other...and is drinking his new favorite drink...the Royal Flush (imagine that) a takeoff of the Red Snapper. He also made a Final Table at the Ip and then another one at the Beau this week....so he has had a great week.

I was going to play Friday...but had one of those...woke up...felt and looked like crap...and passed. Played online all day instead. And ran errands. I have discovered this cool new program...you get it at www.pokerprolabs.com and its called Tournament Shark. Its not real user friendly...tough to use really....I had issues downloading it...after I purchased it. Finally ended up getting a credit/return for it. Then they send me a 6 month free membership. I figure out that for me to download a lot of things on my computer I have to completely DISABLE my MacAfee software...not sure why...but its the hangup. So I download it and try again. Played sit n gos all night using it. What you do basically is enter everyone's username in a box...and it gives you each players ranking...and all of their results. Its pretty cool...I mean it doesn't HELP you win or anything..but it sure lets you know who the GAWD awful players are and who the good ones are. And its amazing how differently you will play a hand against a donkey as opposed to a tough player. So I recommend it, as much disdain as I have for the online poker experience lately...its one thing that may really help us GOOD players!!!! Check it out. I am not sure if I am going to play the Sunday tourney at the Beau tomorrow. I imagine I will probably...we shall see how I feel when I wake up. The lawn really needs to be mowed! I've saved my random RANTS for the end of my blog today......

- Didn't people quit putting their gum under tables in like, 5th grade??? I swear to God, if I pull my knee from the bottom of the table in any poker room ONE MORE TIME and gum comes with it....someone is getting a lap full of chips!!!!!!

- Facebook is kickass. MySpace is okay. While browsing on MySpace at the Rounder magazine site I noticed Denise Milani....who has, I swear...the greatest body of any woman on Earth. Holy Shit. In her 'pictures' she has like 100+ photos...she doesn't take a BAD picture. But...in watching her videos...I came to the conclusion that she is a fucking moron. Thank God! I knew there had to be a catch! But wow....what a body!

- Is it just me? Have you ever come to one of those concrete median/crossing areas...that's either concrete, or grass...and they are in such horrible shape...that if you HAD landscaping equipment in your car...like a weedeater, an edger...some ROUNDUP...wouldn't you just park your car and FIX that whole area? It makes me crazy!

- Why do they put those boxes on wheels that tells you how fast you are going on your street? It cracks me up. They don't take pictures and send you a ticket. They just TELL YOU how fast you are going. Yet, it never fails...everyone SLOWS DOWN! Not ME! To me its like telling me how fast I can throw a fastball! It just makes me drive as fast as I can to see what kind of reading I can get!!!! people are so stupid!

- Is it my imagination, or are WOMAN 20 times worse drivers while talking on their cell phone than guys are?

- Sonic has nights where there are a HUGE number of bikers meeting in their parking lot. Whether they are eating or not, I don't know. And what's up...with the price of gas...is EVERYONE riding motorcycles now? Maybe I need to go buy a Harley. So yeah...its kind of cool. So what does Ruby Tuesday...who are two blocks over do? Yeah..you know it...they hang up this gay-ass banner across the front of the restaurant touting TUESDAY as BIKER NIGHT! lets all say it together.........FUCCCCKKKIIINNNN RRRRIIIDDDDIIICCCCUULLLOOOUUSSSS! Lets all go PARK our BIKE outside....of RUBY TUESDAYS....go inside....and uh....sit around awkwardly doing whatever a biker does whenever he is away from his bike!!!!

- Home Depot. A store that is as big as three football fields. Orange aprons running every which way. But when you are standing there needing something....all you hear are crickets and coyotes. Need to check out? You are parked on the side that has returns and COMMERCIAL check out....and the ONLY OTHER check out that is open....is ALL THE WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE of the STORE! OH...unless you want to use the AUTOMATiC checkout! Who has ever used one of those and had it WORK!?? I am SICK of you HOME DEPOT!

- Ebay. Bidding on items is a racket. There is a price. You bid. Try again. You bid. TRY again! You finally get top bidder status...then at the last minute...you LOSE! Its an insult to my intelligence. LOOK....I am trying to find PLAYSTATION 3...the 60..that's SIxTY GB version...the only one that has true backward compatibility in it...meaning it plays all 85 of my PS2 games!!!! SONY has very coyly taken them off the market. They are very hard to find. Its the only way they can make new revenues off of their games...since they are running out of ideas apparently for new games. It pisses me off! SONY...you suck! EBAy..you suck too!

- How bout when you are in a traffic jam....and you are trying to get over...so that, you know, you can TURN!!!!!....and there is that weasel in the next lane...who just WILL NOT let you over!??? WHY???? Where is he going? Traffic is at a standstill!!!!! I just want to get out of my car and punch that guy in his throat! That is when I am glad I have a big SUV....I just take ownership of that lane...and HOPE he gets out of his car.........bring it on mother@(*#&#*(#@

- After you go to a concert....and someone from the venue sends you a questionnaire...asking you to fill it out...that it will only take 5 minutes.....IMMEDIATELY DELETE THAT EMAIL!!!! DO NO FILL IT OUT! It doesn't take 5 minutes...it takes more like an hour!!!!!!

- Who does the writing for the show 'CHEATERS' ???? Listening to the guy describe the whole 'experience' makes me more hostile towards the guy doing the VO (voice over) than the guy they catch cheating! "the cozy couple enters the pool hall, showing unbridled affection for one another on their way in...without a care in the world. Our gumshoe investigator follows their actions as our suspect makes a call to his mate, who is at home unaware of her boyfriends act of betrayal!" (*@#$@(*#&$@(#*$ WHO CARES!!!!!!!

- How much worse could Brett Favre have destroyed his reputation? I have always liked him as the player. Through a few acquaintances its been brought to my attention that he is not the GREAT GUY most think he is. Regardless, I always liked and respected him as a player. That is all mostly GONE. THE JETS? The SUPERBOWL? GOOD LUCK! He will go there, pad his stats for two years...make a few commercials, living in the Big Apple...and become a laughingstock to diehard NFL fans. He wont win SHIT in NY. GB finally caved in, told him "fine, report to camp...the QB job is open...compete for it, its all on you" which is the BEST thing GB management could have done. A cant lose. He wins the job ( a given probably) and plays well, makes the playoffs....THEY BOTH WIN...the fans are happy...Brett is happy, Management is happy. Cool. HE plays badly...he gets benched...Aaron Rodgers takes over...management saves face, Favre is the loser. But Brett contends that they 'hurt his feelings!' Buddy...you QUIT! They gave your job to the next guy in line! You screwed up a lot of people's plans! HURT YOUR FEELINGS!!!??? COME ON! GET over it. I just don't think he could handle going in there and failing. So he took the easy way out. Now if it goes to shit in NYJ he can blame a lot of other things...the system, the coaches, the receivers...the chemistry...the plays...whatever. Couldn't do that in GB. Its a cop out! Who I feel really bad for is Aaron Rodgers. I hope to god this kid has an awesome year....even takes them to the Super Bowl. It would be great.

- The Yankees trade away this Karstens kid and he hasn't given up a run...in fact he almost threw a PERFECT game for the Pirates! I love it! So their pitching still sucks...and they still cant manage to outscore everyone! Boston and LA both win with that trade....Manny is happy to get outa Boston...is tearing up the NL...and Jason Bay has played great for the SOX...wouldn't it be a great World Series? Boston vs. LA? Rematch of the NBA finals? Though I am rooting for a CHICAGO CUBS vs. CHICAGO WHITE SOX...or Boston...or NYY...something we haven't ever seen. Tampa Bay is a nice story...but they can wait.

- Meanwhile...this is the FIRST time I have ever seen TWO HOT chicks on Cheaters....they are usually heinous...fat and pathetic...but these girls are both smokin hot...and now they are duking it out in the parking lot! Sweet...and what is funny is watching Joey "Nice Career" Greico trying to keep them separated!

- The Olympics. Nice start. An American and his wife get stabbed...husband dies. Russian military is bombing the shit out of Georgia. The air is like LA back in the 80's. Good place to be. Good times. No one watches anymore. No one cares. No one can separate the clean athletes from the dirty ones. Why get excited about an event or an athlete when they might win and come up dirty? One of our best swimmers tests positive...and you KNOW she is innocent...she is totally getting hosed by someone. I'm sick of the whole mess of the Olympics. Way too much money is spent to GET them....way too much is spent to put them on.....they leave...then what? NOTHING? I saw it in Atlanta. It was a joke how that city sucked the IOC's weeny to get those games. It didn't do a DAMN thing for Atlanta. Hurry up and get them over with and lets get on with FOOTBALL!!!!

- Why is it that the ONE day you leave your sunroof open in the driveway...with nary a cloud in the sky...is the day it decides to POUR RAIN???? After you have gone to bed!

- BOTH of my 16 member Fantasy Leagues filled up in less than a week...an all new record. My other pools are filling up quick! Of course there is no limit on players on those. Everyone is welcome to get in there....send me an email to ThePoolMonkey@aol.com if you are interested. Ive got the NCAA Survivor Pool starting in three weeks...then the NFL SURVIVOR POOL ($25 per entry) the NFL SURVIVOR POOL ($100 per entry) and the NFL/NCAA CONFIDENCE POOL ($100 per entry)....its going to be an awesome season!!!!!

That's it gang....time for me to log on to Pokerstars and see if I can get my win on! Hope you are having a great weekend. Cant wait for the Gulf Coast tournament to get here!

MONKEY BOY......OUT!