WED, FINAL TABLE, THURS, FINAL TABLE...nice trend!

Last day of April, and I finally feel like maybe this year is starting to come around for me. Actually this day was ALMOST perfect.

Wrapped up a phone conversation that led me to believe I finally had found a tenant for my house in Pensacola last night and set an appointment for 3 today to get her all set up and collect her money. Drove over there, and while driving over there bought into a $12/180pp sng, a $11/27sng, a $12/45pp sng and a $80 satellite into the WSOP. There would 98 players in that, and 11 players would win a seat into the big $650 satellite on Sunday into the Main Event. I started good in all of them but the $12/180. I was out of that quick when my 1010 ran into the inevitable donkey AK shove and saw the K hit the flop. Whatever. Got deep in the $12/45 and had JJ lose to A10. Nice. Then with 10 left in the $11/27 I have KK and get beat by AK. Come on Pokerstars! Give me a break. Just the $80 satellite left now.

I pull into the driveway in Pensacola, the lady is already there, dammit. 26 left. While walking her through the house I get AK in the BB, suited...with a short stack shove, followed by a bigger stacks' all in, which after watching this guy for awhile was certain was an isolation shove. I called. I was up against his A-10, and the shortstacks 8-8. I flop an A....it holds and now I have 12k and am 3rd out of 25. NICE!

Finish showing her the house while folding. Get her money. Sign the lease. On the way to our cars, I get AJc in the BB and the small stack shoves 2800 at me. I call. He has 1010. Yikes! I flop an ace. Sweeeet! Now hold. He has a heart. One. He flopped two. Catches another on the turn, and ANOTHER one of the damn river. Son of a bitch. Down to 8k. Fold to numerous SHOVES for the next five orbits and now am getting low with 7k. Am 10th out of 12 now. Ughhh....don't let me NOT win this damn thing.

Finally I pick up QQ...and think, "you know what? With the blinds 400/800, I am NOT even going to screw around here...I shove all in. I get insta-called by the guy behind me...and voila! He has, of course...AA! Son of a bitch! And to make it worse, he flops an ace. I pick up a flush draw on the turn...just like the guy with 10's did....can I catch a club on the river? Hell no. OUT. 12th. Fuck meeeeeeee!

I don't play any more on the drive home. Instead I jam out. And race to the Beau to play tonights 6pm tourney. I am on a mission. I want to either win or at least finish in the Top 5 in the current Tournament Leaderboard contest. Why? Not really sure, since the $10k freeroll is on June 7th and I will be in Vegas and unable to play it. I guess I am just competitive and want to win. Last night we had a whopping 34 players. I would never have a pair higher than 10s. But I had them 3 times. I also had 66 three times. Hit a set with them twice. On one hand, that would sort of define my night, this guy...lets call him SuperClown, cuz that is what he is....limps, for about the millionth time....for 400. I had earlier limped behind this fool with 88 and let the BB see a free flop with K fucking 5...and flopped 555. Yeah, cute. That hand only cost me about 3k. I wasn't going there again. So I raise to 1200. It comes back to ClownBoy and he decides to move all in.

>>>>?????<<<<<< HUH? The bullshit alarm goes off, and frankly, I am both (a) sick of this guy and (b) sick of jackasses making these stupid hero plays....so I call. He turns over A10. I catch a pretty nice flop....5-7-8. Nice. Any 9 will do, then he can hit his 10 and I won't care. Oh God, dealer puts a freaking 10 on the turn. BOOM! 6 on the river. See ya clown! Later, a fairly decent player raises UTG....Rick (forget last name, looks like an Indian, a real one....pony tail, shirt sleeves torn off his shirt, a guy who you would maybe want to drink shots with but not fight) goes all in for like 4k. I look down at 1010...yeeeesh....maybe/probably the best hand but a hand I've been running pretty bad with lately. I am about to fold, then remember I bought in for only $130 and first place is only $1500....pretty much need to accumulate chips and run over the final table to win this thing...so, thats when I call. Player #1 folds. Rick has 88. Tens hold and now I am rolling. Rick very politely shakes my hand and wishes me luck. Very classy.

I make two pretty big plays, one with A10, when I get a guy raising early with AQoff to fold when I move all in behind his raise. Then with Q10 in the BB and calling a min raise along with the SB...get him to fold QJ on a board of Q97....the turn gave me a straight and flush draw...he bets out, I move in....and he folds, showing me QJ. Phewwwwww. I have to assume I got both of those laydowns based purely on respect, and because both players are good enough players to think I may have them beat. Any donkey there calls, and I am probably fucked. AGAIN...the reason you want GOOD players at your table. Good players will fold 75% of the time if they THINK they might be beat...>DONKEYS? NEVER! EVER! NOT IF YOU PAID THEM!

I make the final table with quite a few chips. But only 5 are getting paid. THANK GOD. I don't remember much about how we got down to 5...but we did, and once there, someone wanted to do a save, with each of us getting $500 and leaving like $600 to play for. Okay. I guess thats cool, we were all about even in chips. Limpy limp-meister, there seems to be ONE of these guys (or more) in about EVERY tourney at the Beau these days...limping at EVERY level, no matter what the blinds, he limps again on the button. A great place to limp for 4000. Well, dude (again, forget his name, good player, buddy of Rays from New Orleans; who blogs on here but never writes anything) moves all in for 27K in the SB and I look at KQ. I have 58K. Well, I saw him do this earlier with a shitty ace. Whatever, I am kind of freerolling here anyway...and if I can whack him...I have a huge chiplead...and feel like I am the best player at the table...so....I call. He has A4. Okay. I'm okay with that. He flops an A. Dammit. I turn a K. Oh there is a 10 out there....so...how about a J? or K? Or a Q? Yeah? NOPE. Ugh. I live for few more hands...than UTG raises (with A8h)...next guy flat calls (horrible play by him with 10-10) and I wake up with AK in the BB. I am all in for the 12k plus another 13,500. They both call. I catch NOTHING. Flop comes two hearts...Ricky moves all in and gets called. He bricks out. We both go out, 4th and 5th. No big deal. I pick up another 10 pts on the TLB board and now am in the top 10. I go home! Thats right, no left turn to play cash game. See ya bitches!

So, tonight's tourney. I sit down and within 10 minutes have arrived at the conclusion that I will be out in my car with the next 22 minutes. Remember the TWIT from the Final Table last week? Had him in the 3 seat. And in the 2 seat we had the guy we all hate. Calling with ATC, raising with ATC...and luckboxing his way to an early stack of over 30k. He is beating players who have hands like JJ/QQ/KK oh and of course AA. He is a cash game playing, sun visor wearing...FUCKSTICK. And the twit is playing about the same way. I manage a lucky double up. At 50/100 the typical raise seems to be about 650. Ridiculous. But somehow after I limp in with 44 I manage to only have to call a raise of 450 with 6 callers. The flop comes, ahem....4-6-8. Rainbow. Yahtzee! Or is it? Lets find out. First guy to act moves ALL IN for 6k! Okay, I didn't really want this to happen, because 'The Twit' was the initial raiser, and I wanted his stupid fucking ass in there...but now this guy in the BB with his 10-10 kind of fucked that plan up. I call the all-in and dickhead folds. I hold. And now have 14k. Hmmm....ya never know, MAYBE I have a prayer after all.

Sometime around the time our Steve Spurrier-looking idiot had 34k and the time he managed to donk off each and every chip, he let out with "You guys might hate how I play, but just like at my local house game, by the end of the night, I usually have all the money...just like here I will every single chip!" I literally said "Yeah? Lets see how that scenario transpires...I have a feeling you may not see the Final Table...you can only get lucky so many times with 2-8, 6-8, and A4." Again, the Monkey waxes poetic. Dude didnt even make it down to TWO tables. In fact, once he was out, I started liking my chances.

I played pretty well again tonight. When it was down to 12, 6 on each table, and the BB every 5 hands....it got a little scary. There were two guys at my table who kept limping almost EVERY HAND! I am in the BB looking at 44/33/22/A9...and when these guys are limping I am MOVING IN...and of course, after a little consternation they fold every time. I knew it was a matter of time before the old coot in the Jack Daniels hat was going to pick up a huge hand and limp in on me. I think I picked it up on my radar when he limped in and I looked down at K9..yeah yeah...my favorite, but right now I have 27K...no reason to get stupid. Plus he is moving around in his seat in a way that tells me he is just waiting to pounce. Luckily I missed on every street. He makes some stupid statement on the river....like..."Well, I don't think I have anything, but I bet if I bet out 5k I might be able to make you fold." Okay old man, you either have the nuts or a big pair. Fuck You...nice try, I am not a rookie or a retard sir.

Down to 11. I am on the button with A6. I move all in for a lot. Dave, (another guy I play with a lot, good player, SUPER TIGHT, forget his last name) Instantly calls....so I KNOW I am fucked! He has 10-10. Damn. Can I catch an ace please dealer? NOPE! Oh wow. Now I am down to ....mmmmm....ugh...not much. Looks like bubblicious time for Senor Monkey. I get KJ the next hand. Move in. Blinds were 1500/3000. Oh yeah...must have had 8500 left cuz it was 5500 for the BB to call. He shows me 39h and folds. Guess I might have wanted a call there.

Dude busts on the other table! We are now brushing at 10! Wow. And the Jack Daniels hat guy is on my right, with 5000 fewer chips than ME! Whoa...I might just pull this outa my ass after all. I do. He moves all in with 77. Gets two callers, one with AK. Ace hits. He is out. I am guaranteed my buyin back ($144). Guy in the 9 seats locks it up in a hand and is left with 2k. Thats right, TWO K! But 8th is only $180. Big deal.

I am in the BB with J7h. A guy with A5 limps for 4k. I have 11,500. I have no reason to go all in. Flop comes K-4-5. Nothing. Check. he checks. 6 on the turn...hmmm...straight draw. Move in here? I check. He checks. Hmmm....K on the river. Can I sell that? I move all in (dumbshit) and he calls....5 good. I am out. 9th place. But another Final Table, another 10 pts on the Leaderboard contest, and now...that gives me like 33 points and should put me in like 4th or 5th place. And I left...so I didn't lose any money on the cash table!

NOW...a few non-poker related items...I have a feeling this blog entry has gotten very long. SO I hope you are still reading.

NEW ORLEANS! Starting NEXT Friday. Great structures! I CANNOT wait for it to start. Does anyone over there have a house with an extra room I can stay in? I hate hotels. And oh yeah...I like money. And prefer not to give it to those assholes in those hotels! Also, I have NOT seen the SNG structures...I hope to god they are good.

PLAYBOY MODELS! Walked in tonight and there were hot blonde women with huge fake tits running around all over the Beau. WTF is going on!??? Turns out they are here for this big VIP golf tourney that the Beau runs every year. After I got knocked out I decided to go chat a couple of them up. This is what I came away with. None of them are 'Playmates', which I pretty much figured, since I have gotten every Playboy since 1988...and still have them all, and know one when I see one. They were merely 'models' hired by Playboy to do their promotional events, while secretly 'aspiring' to be in Playboy. And typically, there is very little conversation value with any of these broads. Ever talk to these girls? With their horrible over inflated breasts, their fake eyelashes, their tacky dresses with ass all hanging out...their stupid Playboy necklace? In a word...they are gross. Sorry, that might make me sound totally gay, but I will take my Sexy Squirrel over any of those girls, any day of the week.

DEALER PUSHES. Okay, so today I went as far as to ask Robin, as I have asked other floor supervisors in the past....to no avail, if it would be possible for them to tell the dealers, "Dealers...if you are about to push into a new table, and its a tourney table, check the clock, if they are inside of two minutes of a blind level increase and/or an upcoming break...wait it out and let them play till the new level or break." Robin agreed to that. Wow! I was kind of impressed, and amazed. Last week, in that situation, I asked a dealer if she could please deal the last hand before pushing, as we were at :45 seconds in the level with a break coming up. She complied. I felt happy. Last night, same exact situation...with Pat dealing, and I ask him "Hey Pat, could you please deal this last hand before the break, instead of pushing out?" How did he respond? He, uh...doesn't...well, unless you call looking at me like I am a screen door then getting up, and pushing out. Wow. And I tip these dealers great when I win tourneys WHY again? Its one thing that they already get $10 from each player at registration...but then they get toked again at the payout desk, at least they always do by me...and I tip well. Well, this pissed me OFF! So I mention it to Robin tonight, didn't mention Pat completely dismissing me last night. So what happens at Level 4? Dealer pushes out with :36 seconds left. (*!&@#*(&!@(* WHY IS THIS SUCH A HARD CONCEPT FOR THESE PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND AND COMPLY WITH?

A big shout out to my sweetie...Squirrel played in the Employees tourney for a package of prizes. On her first qualifier tourney...she won, against, I don't know, like 11 players or something. They each paid $40 to play. Then she went back at noon on Tuesday to play the Final, and against some pretty good players, including Kai. She called me on a break and was chipleader! Sweet. I asked about the prizes....first was like a weekend in Orange Beach and maybe dinner somewhere? Hmmm...Orange Beach? What else? Fifth place was dinner for two at BR Prime! Whoa! "Hey sweetie...if you don't win, try to tank it and get 5th!" She managed to get 3rd..which was good for a night at the Beau Rivage and dinner ANYWHERE in the BEAU! Nice! I like it! So a great dinner at the BRPRIME followed by a night of 'luxurious lounging' (your welcome Beau Rivage!) and Kanoodling in a marvelous Beau Rivage room! That's my Squirrel...REPRESENTIN!!!!! All while sporting her PokerStars jersey I got her with 'SQUIRREL' on the back! So that is what? 6 final tables in 10 days for our house? Sweeet!

Recieved some emails, read some blogs and checked out some other comments this week from some guys who have been living and dying with horrible swings online, and asking me how I deal with those swings. Do I go on tilt? Do I keep things in check? Do I have a system for dealing with the nightmarish shit that they go through? Gene weighed in with some of his insight. A regular reader of my blog, Tim Thompson mentioned how he doenst mind when his AA gets cracked by JJ quite as much as he does when he will raise behind another raiser with AA or KK for example...and get called by some joker with K5...who then makes trips, or a flush or something...which causes him to go nearly homicidal. When he asked me to respond to this...I sort of was in the middle of 8 games on Stars, of which probably 4 of them I would lose in just those ways.

Look, bottom line...players online are FUCKING AWFUL! When I get people online who like to look up my stats and then shoot back at me with "Yeah you have won over $100k online, Monkey...or should I say PokrDonkey (an overwhelmingly common, original Monkey Slam) and you are barely even profitable!" Yeah, thanks fuckbird for your time in researching my stats...and I won't deny it. I just about break even online. Is it because I play bad? No. Is it true that after about the 27th awful beat in one day you MIGHT start to play a bit differently than you would at a table? Um...I would have to say YES, it is entirely possible. There is nothing worse than sitting at a table of fuckbrains who will either call a raise or re-raise with COMPLETE SHIT...while you are folding AQ, 99, KJ, whatever...and usually...we will call it 87% of the time, folding the best hand...that would have won...to inevitably STOP laying those hands down, to THEN run into...you know ...AA, KK, QQ...oh how nice. So when I fold (smartly) and would have won...I am now motivated to CALL (stupidly) and find myself to be completely FUCKED. Yeah...online poker will bend you over and fuck you silly. So when one of them used the analogy of keeping your 'poker mind and poker demeanor' in a very medium emotional place, sure I agreed. So when someone who is 'emotional' gets OVERLY happy when they lose, and OVERLY FUCKING MISERABLE when they lose in dramatic fashion, sure...they might not be very well suited to this game.

And yes, it is true, that I feel a lot less of a rush when I have WON a tourney...when it is all over, you are just sitting there...victorious. No one else at the table, just you...the dealer, and the tourney director, who is trying to figure out a way to stretch out the payout process as long as humanly possible. A lot of you have never felt this feeling, so you don't maybe understand why the feeling at that moment isn't just total ELATION. Why? I am not 100% certain. I guess it's like...you know? It was a journey, you had one goal, and the goal has been realized, and now you are thinking about what you are going to play next. So many times, I have won a tourney...and walk right over and sit down and play a sit n go! I suppose if I ever win a 10k event or, God Forbid...the WSOP MAIN EVENT...there could be some other emotions taking place at the conclusion of one of THOSE!

But losing? It kills me. Most of the time. If I got lucky at a Final Table, and sucked out to still be there, then pick up a couple pay spots...only to see myself go out with say, AQ against JJ...I am okay with that. Two good hands, kind of freerolling still being there anyway. So, I lost? No biggie, shake the guys hand. Wish everyone good luck. Peace out. But playing great all day....and losing to a complete jackass....who misplays a hand HORRIBLY...then knocks you out? That stays with you, and yeah...its very hard to deal with.

As it pertains to online poker? Look, I shouldn't even PLAY online poker, nor should ANY player that THINKS he or she is worth a shit. Because it WILL fuck with your mind. As a fairly good baseball player in my younger years, I would avoid playing softball for kind of the same reasons. Different swing. Retardedly asinine idiots playing the game....putting way too much emotion into it. Kind of a correlation there. HOWEVER, when I see the value that exists there...buy in for $11 to win $6000? Buy in for $50 to win $15,000? Sunday million? $215 buy in to win $200,000? Are you kidding me? How do you NOT play that? Sure, you almost know for a FACT that you won't win. But you HAVE to take the shot, don't you? IN the last week, in tourneys that had over at least 2000 players in each of them, some as many at 7500...I have finished between 8th and 32nd 9 times. NINE. That is NINE shots at making between $1700 (the smallest 1st place) and $16,000. If you don't believe me, you can look it up on www.bluffmagazine.com/thepokerdb and enter my name ThePokrMnky and see for yourself. Do I kill myself over these close calls? Nope. Can't. Got to just keep on hoping I have my day when my hands hold up. Realistically, I could have won over $20k online this month. But in reality, I lost $200 overall. And these fuckers want to sit here and tell me how I am not profitable online. Your right jerkoff, I'm not...but ONE major score will sure shut them all the hell up won't it?

Okay, I think maybe I addressed that subject/issue. The moral of the story? I am not sure. Don't let online poker drive you to kill yourself or someone else. It isn't worth it. Just go into it 'hoping to win' and not expecting to win, and you should be okay. Meanwhile, on another related topic, I think Rooster is close to killing himself after his 'MONTH FROM HELL.' Don't do it Rooster, we will miss you, or at least your new chicken that you have been bringing to the table with you. Ever think about putting something like...mm maybe altoids or tic tacs or something inside of the chicken? That would be pretty cool. Maybe some Pez?

Okay, I think I am done. Tomorrow I go for THREE IN A ROW if I can manage to get up at 10am. These 11am start times are fucking brutal! And then try to knock out one of these Saturday and maybe SUnday tourneys. Although I am really pressing to get into Sundays WSOP $650 satellite, I really need to try and knock down that seat before I get to Vegas. Plus all the big tourneys on Sunday, yeah might just skip the Sunday tourney at the Beau.

Good night everyone...I wonder how many of you read this whole thing. I really do. I would be amazed if there were more than 10!

MONKEY

FINAL TABLE OUTCOME...and Snappers to make you HURL!

Okay, so...it's now Monday.

Just read a very interesting piece on ESPN.com about Lenny Dykstra, about what an absolute scam artist, piece of shit he is. Incredible. Great story by Mike Fish.

Also, after checking into my Facebook account, I was amazed to see that Phil Hellmuth has not ixnayed me (however you spell that) from his 'friends' list. Not that I was losing sleep over it.

I have completed the final chapter in RESISTANCE:2 on PS3. Killing Daedalus was a nightmare. But once you kill him, he transfers all his power to you...and you can simply make people disintegrate by using your hands and throwing POWER at them. Awesommmmme! Their bodies just explode! Well, after the game was over I decided to FINALLY figure out how to get online and network with other players. I quickly found out how 'behind the curve' I am in that department. Every single game I tried out with an online community involved, I got DESTROYED! And I noticed a trend. They all had apparantly acquired the codes or add/ons somehow that enabled them to be far and away better outfitted to beat the living hell out of me. Yeah, that didn't go well, but it was fun to learn, at least...how to get on the Playstation Network.

Squirrel and I took the 'kids' to the beach in Ocean Springs Sunday morning. I passed on the 10k Guarantee at the Beau Rivage, fearing a smallish crowd and wanting to play the 1 million dollar Turbo Takedown as I had over 5000 FPPs required to buy in with. So I bought into it on my computer at noon, giving us an hour and a half to do the beach. They loved it. It was Mollie's first experience with water and she loved it. Jasper would pay the price later...he has a weird hip situation, and all the exercise beat him up...he would be welping in pain all last night and today. Poor guy. I dropped Squirrel off to meet her friends at the beach in Biloxi, then came home to play those. I was half an hour late...just like in LIVE tourney play!!!!

There was over 8500 players. I was only down about 400 when I walked in the door. I immediately went to work, and of course bought into all of the big $11 MTTs that were running, as my Friday night and late Saturday night sessions on Stars had my account down to a paltry $64! I got up to 7000 chips ....then this guy moves all in on the button with me holding AA in the BB. Ugh....yeah I will call the 4200 all in (with the blinds 150/300, nice play retard)....he has 55. I flop a set, with a 2. Turn brings a 3, followed by a 4 on the fucking river. GREAT! Down to 2800 chips. Meanwhile not doing MUCH of anything in any of the $11 MTTs. Then I went on a tear. Got up to 15k on the Turbo Takedown just 300 away from the money ($90). I will cut to the chase because it isnt very exciting. I managed to stick around, pick up a pot here and there...and got whittled down, and into the third pay tier my AK whiffed against 88. I finished 363rd and won $315. Not bad.

Squirrel and her posse showed up around 6, tired, drunk and sun-burned. They would play cards til 4am for the third consecutive Sunday in a row while I played online all night and managed a $450 profit with three final tables in the $12/180pp turbos, a win and a 2nd place in SNG's and a 4-way heads up victory. A pretty good night online, for a change.

So in Saturday's tourney...well, I arrived about 20 minutes late, found out that by calling ahead I had gotten Seat 10 still. Michael later told me he forgot to tell them I had called. Whatever. On my first table change I would get SEAT 1! Everything was working in an opposite universal way. So, with that in mind, I started making people change! You know I HATE doing that...WONT do it, all the dealers KNOW IT. Why? Venetian, Spring, 2008...made change for 4 players. All 4 players would eventually bust me. That was when I quit. Well, you know what? As bad and unlucky as I have been running this year...I said FUCK IT! I am making change! Switch it up! And it did NOT bite me on the ass!

I had TJ, a dealer at the Beau Rivage, a pretty good buddy, and a pretty good player at my table most of the day. He had managed a lucky double up before I arrived. So he was already in pretty good shape. I was literally card dead for 4 levels. As a matter of fact, for the 2nd Final Table in a row, I never saw a pair over 10's the whole tourney. Talk about doing a lot of work with very little workers! Saturday, I would get 10s...and simply moved all in out of the BB, holding 5400 chips...with the blinds at 300/600 and SIX limpers. Hmmmm....50 antes...thats 500, plus 3000 in limp money....uh....YEAH....ALL IN! I will take that...thank you folks. I just check there....I never win that pot. NEVER! That was pretty much how I won every decent pot Saturday, finding spots where there was an overly adequate amount of money in the pot to satisfy my needs then using my crafty sales pitch to convince everyone that my all in play was one that they wanted no part of. It worked to perfection.

I was literally short stack ALL DAY. With 15 left, I had like 4 big blinds. I knew it was going to be another one of those gut wrenching 6 hour days for nothing. I had already envisioned the long, painful drive home. Then...I don't know...things just started clicking. Our table has FOUR small stacks on it (out of 6) and the other table (5 handed) had NONE. And yet, one of them managed to knock someone out...getting us to 10. Nice, we bargained for 10th place to get $250...and then everyone just kind of started slinging it! Two quickly went out...so now I am up to 8th place money ($800) and feeling pretty pleased. Then I move all in with 88 and get called by AJ and KQ.....yikes, try dodging THOSE cards! I did, and now had over 60K!

It amazes me how badly some players play when they make a final table. Getting it in with hands you couldn't pay me to play in the situations they get it in with. But I love it because you can just sit there and pick up money watching donkeys. It was a bit of a luxury...being 8 handed since we played 5 and 6 handed for over an hour...being the BB every fourth hand when you are short is a nightmare. But my table either liked me a lot or just feared me because I got a walk in the BB about 5 or 6 times, which REALLY helped me a lot! We actually had a pretty cool table. I had no 'issues' with any players all day. Took an aderol when I arrived and it started kicking in around 1pm...man those things are incredible. I was ULTRA dialed in. And was having a lot of fun conversation with the table.

Well, so we get to the Final Table, things start to finally happen for me, and now I am feeling like I might actually win this thing. When I had 8 BB's and we had 10 left I asked Johnny Groomes what the odds are on me winning this thing. He put it at 12 to 1. He said, realistically it was more like 17 to 1, but was grading me up based on my skill level. Well, thank you sir, compliment accepted. I tried to get him to take a $20 wager on it...with me betting on myself, and of course he declined. (uh, some kind of rule against a poker room manager making side wagers with players!!!!)

We got down to 3. We decided to do a money save at 4, wherein we all would take $1600 each, which was $200 over 3rd place money, and leave $1600 to play for...which, with first place being $3500, would come out about right if you won. Ideally, I would get heads up and have about a ten to one advantage and be in position to play for ALL OF IT and not have to chop that up any further. Well...the moment arrived where we all scratch our heads and try and decide what to do.

Three of us left. I have 170K and am chipleader. Mike Wexler, who is destroying the Beau's new TLB leaderboard contest with 85pts (two outright wins) compared with 54 pts for whoever is in 2nd place, and my 11 pts (no points for the weekend tourneys) is on the button and MOVES ALL IN (blinds at 2000/4000) for 67k. I have A10d. Hmmmm. Tough decision. I add up my chips. Okay, basically a 3rd of my stack. How strong is he? Couldn't be VERY strong....definitely not a top 4 hand...or I think he would be raising to 12 or 15k. He is usually very matter-of-fact about his raises. Looks at his cards, and BOOM announces "I raise 12 thousand" and then puts out his chips. On this one....he looks, ponders...then says "Im all in." A little different.

So, I am thinking...I think he either has a bad ace...like A8,A7....something like that...or he has a middle pair, and just wants to take down this 9k pot. Now on my end...John Riola, another very fine player...is in the BB. John and I have a very good relationship with one another. And a pretty deep mutual respect for each as well. I have been playing lights out every since we got three handed, and have managed to get a pretty decent chip lead by not getting crazy/greedy out of the SB or button, but using very tactical position plays to take down hands without every seeing a flop, which in my mind is STILL the best way to win at the Final Table. John generally has a fairly accurate read on me when I raise, but I will say, I also use that as an advantage when taking pots from him when I have him covered with my chipstack. But he does the same thing to me. There are times when I KNOW that by simply moving in on him when he bets into me that he will fold. However, I know that I COULD do that and 93% of the time get away with it...the 7% of the time that I get caught might encourage me to use patience and guile to get those chips back from him in my own little creative way later.

So, back to this hand. I do not ignore John in the BB in this hand. I am cognizant that he is sitting on about 105k. If I call, and John folds, and I take Wexler out...I KNOW with almost absolute certainty that John and I will most likely save another $500 each (taking me to $2100 on the day) and play for the remaining $600, which is more for pride, bragging rights, and tipping out!

So finally, and without using my coin flip medallion from Ceasers Palace that I so often deploy in these moments....I do make the call. That is when John instantly shoves all in. What? OH FUCK! Great. How much more to call dealer? 55K? UGH. Well, its official...I am behind! But now we are looking at what? Over 200K in the pot? With a chance to END the tournament right HERE and take home $3200? After sucking ass all month? Well, I couldn't have folded there if I wanted to. I call....John has QQ...yikes. At least I have my ONE over card. Wexler has 88. Well, things could be a lot worse. Just one ace will do dealer!

Now, I know that if JOHN wins, Wexler loses....and even though John will have me heads up by about 10 to 1, he will still probably do a save with me for more money. Not too sure about the other guy. FLOP comes out.....

10-3-7. Okay, okay....I have Wexler beat now at least....but it doenst matter as John has the biggest stack. The turn brings a damn 8! No Q on the river and everything goes to shit. I am left with 24k. They both have a lot of chips. I am all but dead.

Then I play pretty freaking great (sorry, but I did) and somehow get my 24k back up to around 100k. But the blinds are now 4k/8k. Wexler limps in from the SB about 4 times and when I look at A4/A9/910c/44 I shove all in to get him out and take down decent pots. While this is happening, I am thinking in my head "one of these times he is going to pick up something huge and catch me."

And of course, that is what happens. He limps in with AA. I look down at KJh...which is a pretty damn good hand heads up. I move in. And he does the move that will leave me with an indelible image of him for at least the next month or two. Have you all seen the clip from WSOP on ESPN of Hellmuth when he has ACES and gets someone to push on him...and he does the thing where he comes up out of his chair and starts excitedly pushing/splashing all of his chips into the middle while bellowing out 'I CALLLLLLL'???? Like a fucking retard? You know what I am talking about? Most of you do. He does this. All good feelings that I had for him went right out the window. I didn't say anything, just looked at him like I would look at my shoe if I just stepped in dog shit. Of course I didn't suck out on him...and was out with $1600 for my efforts.

I wasn't upset. Hell, I was basically freerolling all day anyway. And when I did get to the Final Table, I felt great about how I played. One thing did kill my buzz though. Upon making the Final Table I did the Red Snapper presentation. Randi, our waitress, suddenly decided it was a Capital Offense to be given a beer with my shot. As well as the other players who had already been enjoying a cocktail. After three years of it NOT being a big deal, now the whole TWO DRINKS at once thing was exploding in our faces. Oh come on! But I didn't get ugly about it, simply assumed that SOMEONE upstairs was cracking down and had made a big deal about it in preshift. As Squirrel works there, I hear about these things, and I wasnt about to make a big deal about it. I mean, it's not her fault, she is just trying not to get fired. I get that.

But then it got ridiculous. I asked if Bruce was around, the beverage manager, who I know from Cheryl pretty well. If he was, I wanted to just ask why after three years it was now a major issue. I didn't ASK or DEMAND to see a manager, as it later got reported back to Cheryl....along with me alledgedly 'cussing' a waitress..which thankfully was disputed by EVERYONE at the table when Squirrel accused me of THAT. Yeah Cheryl got to work and was told to report to the office over this. REAL NICE ! Which of course, led to me getting my butt chewed out by her, in front of all my poker peers. Awesome! But incidently, the new assistant beverage manager, Shannon, who was working at the WOW! wings joint on Popps Ferry by our house before it closed after only three months....came out and talked to me for about 15 minutes about it. This was BEFORE I got ambushed by Squirrel. Shannon and I had a very friendly conversation about the whole matter. Nothing out of line at all. So then, these Snappers show up, made by a bartender whose name I have never heard before...something like Sharday, or Sharmay...I don't know...they were GODAWFUL. I drank mine...and I don't know what it was in there....you know when you start to throw up while the drink is still making its way down your throat? And you catch it before it shoots out of your face? Then you try real hard to get it down again? But just can't? And you start to throw up AGAIN? But again...you catch it?

Well, I managed to get it down. Then my eyes started watering, and I thought I might puke again. But I didn't. But now I wanted to die. That was the SECOND round of shots. The first round was great. So they obviously had a shift change while all that was going on. So thats about the time that Squirrel came zooming in to verbally rampage me. While I was still recovering from "the shot from hell." So no, that was not a magical moment, and my body pretty much said to me "Monkey, I am done taking in alcohol for the day sir" (or at least until we get to the BR Prime and sit down for some steak and oysters!).

Okay. I am not even going to get into the later cash game session, which resulted in me losing every fucking pot on the river to one of the scariest looking men I have ever seen at a poker table, wearing a Hooters shirt and taking up two spots at the table. I won't bother with the BR PRIME experience, but I will say my filet was great, my conversation with Kai was amusing as always, Ronnie the bartender was great, the two ladies from Chicago were pretty interesting...and the Bink Pinot Noir was out, which sucked...but the replacement wasnt too shabby...and the lemon flavored creme brulee? No. Not good. Vanilla please. Just Vanilla, no need to get fancy there. And can we please get more than ONE food runner on a busy Saturday night? This kid was looking like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. That happens at Chili's, not BR PRIME.

Time to get online and see if I can keep it going. Plus, I really need to get after winning this WSOP seat, especially if my backer is flying the coop on me. Havent heard a peep from her in days. Starting to wonder if she is firing me!!!!

MONKEY

FINAL TABLE SATURDAY...and some more Random Thoughts

Initially, this was going to be a very good entry, for a change.

My stupid idiot self managed to turn it into a somewhat bittersweet entry. But whatever, let's not be TOO negative here.

I've just walked in the door, and the first thing I wanted to do was see how many demented, sick mutants I could annihilate on Resistance 2 (PS3)...but, of course, I left the wireless controller on and it was dead. Grrrrrrrr!

I took that so badly, that I completely ignored my dogs, who were of course very excited to see me after a day of being gone. I am an awful father. I must now take a moment to go bond with them...as guilt has overcome me.

Okay. I am back. Are you here for the Poker? Or are you here for the RANDOM THOUGHTS that are quickly becoming the cornerstone of my blog? Fortunately, I think I am sober enough to actually finish this in one sitting.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I would like to somehow start a movement to COMPLETELY erradicate the use of all internet and text message...uh what do you call them? Symbols? No...there is a better word, can't think of it...but you will know what I am driving at. Anyone caught using LOL, ROFL, LMAO, TTYL...ANY OF THOSE...but ESPECIALLY LOL....will be summarily rounded up (herded in some cases) strapped to a wooden pole...and be sliced to shreds by people made FURIOUS by years of people "LOL'ing" at them with potato peelers. It sounds a little graphic, I know...but I am convinced that its going to take a SERIOUS form of torture to put an end to this madness. When I am playing online...and, hmmm...lets say I raise with AK...a guy calls, the flop comes A-2-8 rainbow. I bet out...and here we go.....the guy folds...and TYPES INTO THE CHAT BAR....... "LOL QJ" I experience two feelings. (a) complete and utter confusion. (b) deep uncontrolled rage. Kill them all....kill them all. Next.

Anyone check out this month's Playboy? If you haven't let me sum it up in two words with a question mark. L I S A R I N N A ?
What? I am pretty sure she is pushing 50, if she hasn't already crossed over to the 'dark side.' Great...she has kept her body together (with the aid, I'm sure of countless visits to the plastic surgeon) and still looks good. ITS PLAYBOY!!!!! I don't spend $28 annually to see LISA RINNA naked! With all the THOUSANDS of SICKLY HOT WOMEN in the world to see naked...this is who they give us? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!??????? NEXT.

I was making a pizza the other day. And on the top of my stove I see this message; "Self Cleaning Oven" Just what in the HELL does this mean? An oven that cleans itself? How? When? When we are asleep? It has little invisible dudes running around in there scrubbing the inside? Can someone PLEASE explain this to me? I went to the website for the people who made the oven...and there is NO explanation whatsoever. Are people stupid enough to buy into this? I haven't slept in days on account of this mystery. NEXT.

Anyone valet their car here in town? First let me say...in Vegas I never DON'T valet. And when I do, I always tip $1 or $2 on the way in and $2 or $3 on the way out...all incumbent upon my rate of success that day, or mood, or level of drunkeness. Wait, I never drink and drive...forget that last part. Here in Biloxi, and we are now up to 4 casinos that do this...the valet guys are NOT ALLOWED TO CARRY CHANGE! They pool. So once they GET money, its goes in a box. Fine. But you are telling me they can't keep, say...a $40 'bank' of change...so that when someone has only a $10 or $20...they can make change and not get stiffed? NOPE. Not allowed. I feel like shit when the guy can't make change...but wtf....its not MY problem is it? I wonder how much revenue they miss out on by not being equipped or allowed to make change. STUPID. NEXT.

Women carry purses, and a large percentage of poker players and other men who I don't know personally are carrying 'messenger bags' also referred to as 'Man Purses' or 'Murses' if you want to really go simple. I of course sport one. And every day I walk into the Beau Rivage, the Purple Jacket at the front wants to rifle through it. Ughhh...sigh....whatever...whats another 34 seconds late? Maybe I will miss the AA that eventually busts me out early. Yep, same stuff as yesterday sir, Book, Ledger Book, Crown bag full of every imaginable poker trinket, Bose headphones, Ipod, Phone, Wallet, gum, Final Table Monkey Beads (just in case) and glass case. No bomb. No Gun. Hey...pretty much the things women pack in their purses right? So it dawns on me. Why must we submit to the bag check...and women NEVER do, with their purses? Some of whose purses are just as big (if not bigger) than my 'murse'? Why? Well...the other day, I am in a tourney, and I see Rooster, and notice he has just become the proud owner of his own very stylish Messenger Bag. I make mention of it. Then I get a very entertaining story. Rooster, upon entrance that day, was asked to open his bag for inspection. Rooster simply replied..."NO." Whoa what? Yeah. NO! When the Purple Jacket inquired as to WHY...Rooster told him...do you check women's purses? Was told...and I quote "We are not allowed to look in womens' purses." To which Rooster replied..."well, this is MY purse" and went on about his merry way. I had to laugh. Hard actually. Then it occurred to me...had I performed this same identical act...I have a pretty good feeling that the results would NOT have been the same. Somehow I imagine someone talking into a walky talky, and troops being called in to gang tackle me and scatter all of my belongings, confirm the non-presence of any biological, radioactive, or weapon of any magnitude...before bumrushing me into the basement where some guy named Bruno comes to beat the living hell out of me. But, that is just how I run. Not Rooster. He just skips along to the poker room. Interesting. But can someone please tell me how this is NOT discrimination when they are NOT ALLOWED to check a woman's purse, but that ours are totally open season? Its bullshit. NEXT.

I've just left a message on Phil Hellmuth's wall that I am almost 99% certain SHOULD result in him removing me as a friend. I finally snapped. He is very fond of leaving mobile updates letting us all know that he has the coolest life of any human being alive and that the rest of us are just mere peons trying our damndest to be even 1% as cool as he is. So...I left his this message

"PHIL...it would be awesome to see a post by you JUST ONE TIME that doesnt involve the words VIP, JET, PRIVATE BOX, LIMO, YACHT, PRIVATE CHEF...you get my drift. We all know you are rich and successful man....do you need to constantly remind us?

Which prompted someone to add to the message thread...this one is quite funny. Hope you think so too....William Rodriguez at 12:52am April 26
" phil hellmuth is currently on a PRIVATE JET on my way to a VIP lounge on jerry buss YATCH to eat some good food from his PRIVATE chef then catching a LIMO to the local casino..."

TOUCHE.

NEXT.

PEREZ HILTON. Perez....wow. I had no idea who this fat little clown was, until I saw him on Craig Ferguson. And though he was a little over the top with his gayness, he was...oh, entertaining. Somewhat. So I thought I would buy in, give him a chance...and so I checked out his blog. Kind of funny. Definitely can see why he has a following. So what does he do? He, wait a second. Lets back it up. MISS USA? And on the judges panel....we have....WTF? Perez Hilton? How? Why? Huh? Okay, so...yeah, whatever, he is there, judging, ahem...fine ass women, of which he has ZERO interest whatsoever. Makes perfect sense, right? Every day I wake up and wait for this world to make sense, and every day it lets me down. So it's Senor Hilton's turn to ask his question of Miss California. And we all know how THAT went down. Hmmm....just how in the HELL does he even get approved to throw that drivel at her? Buddy, you are a homo, and you are going to ask a question about a gay marriage question? At a beauty pageant? And you only want to hear ONE answer, right? And when you DONT hear what you want to hear...you are going to rip this girl a new one? You, sir....are an agenda-carrying, bandstanding, biased, classless asshole. I would personally like to get all of the baddest bad ass bitches in the world together....okay, no, just FIVE of them...and put them in the OCTAGON with that little fairy, and let them have their way with him. LETS GET IT ONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!! And for the record, the fake tits that Miss Cali was sporting are horrendous, that itself was a reason to lose, forget the same sex marriage BS. NEXT!

Okay. That is it. IS this too long now to even get INTO the poker segment? Squirrel just walked in the door from work. This is either going to be a good night for Monkey, or a disaster...hmmm...anyone got a coin? I think I am going to end this and leave you all hanging! Seriously, are any of you really going to be pining for the conclusion of today's poker outcome?

I will say this. I never had a pair over 10's. I was short stack from the time I sat down until we were down to 4. I played...well, pretty damn good today. I have to feel good about the outcome. I also had another kick ass meal at the bar, by myself, at BR PRIME...and have a lot of new and exciting things to say about THAT place...and had a nice conversation with the Executive Chef for the entire Beau Rivage...Chef Joseph...ugh...last name...dammit. Forgot. At any rate. Then there was, of course, the session in the cash room, which for some reason, always seems to go the same damn way for me. Its kind of starting to freak me out. Met a cool kid, going to Flight School in Pensacola, who is going to assist me in finding a tenant for my house over there...who decided to start feeding me shots of Patron to heal the pain I was feeling from the...uh....lets call it FIVE....beats I took all on the river. Thanks Jordan...I think that was just what the doctor ordered. Then I probably should talk about my incredibly exciting week playing online. Excited, happy.....depressed, kill myself....ecstatic, hopeful....miserable, hopeless...for those of you who play online poker, you know probably how that story starts, annnnnnd you know how, inevitably it ends.

Tomorrow, I have committed to taking my dogs to the beach early, with Squirrel...in Ocean Springs, where aparantly they allow canines to frolic. Then she will bring us home, leave me here, to toil online in the big Sunday tourneys on that Donkey Site....and go meet her friends at the beach in Biloxi. Wonder which one of us will have the better day? If I am laying odds, I would say to put your money on Squirrel! But you never know!

Good night my little Monk-meisters.

Senor Monkey

OLD AGE = Someone have a Xanax!!!???

Did you guys miss me?
Its been a whole freaking week since my last report.

When you last tuned in I was winning the Mega for September's Main Event at the Beau Rivage and recovering from bowling.

In the last week I have been chasing down weasels who owe me money for various 'ventures,' and am about sick of it. Look, if you owe someone money...and you KNOW you owe them money...just PAY THEM!

Some random thoughts.

I don't get Brittany Spears. No, no...check that. I don't get...her fans. How do you become a 'fan' of that noise that she sells/produces? It's not even music. Its not even a real voice. It's like something the computer generates. You listen to her songs and its like...."Is she kidding me?" What is THAT? How does she do a concert? Maybe the biggest sham/farce going today.

So I get a speeding ticket...a huge one...and I'm in hot water. Squirrel gets one...and she conveniently has her friend that she works with take it to her husband (who is a cop) and get it 'taken care of.' Thanks Sweetie, you are a real team player.

Why do people try the 'ol, "Thats weird that you haven't gotten that check I sent you...I sent it last week. Wow, I better call my bank and......." Please! Save it. You know you didn't send it, I know you didn't send it. What would really impress me, is if you just said...."Wow, you know what? I didn't send it yet. I suck. Let me get it in the mail right now. I'm sorry." I would RESPECT that!

I have more but I forgot them. Let's talk about poker.

I showed up at the Beau Rivage on Wednesday to play their nightly. Maybe it was Thursday. Yeah, I think it was. In fact...yes, it was...because on Tuesday and Wednesday I was in Pensacola getting my house ready to re-rent. The house is now empty. It looks fantastic. Only problem, both my potential renters fell through. So now I have an empty house.

So Thursday. No...that doens't make sense either...cuz as I was sitting at the bar in Pensacola, eating dinner and remembering all the reasons I am glad I don't live in Pensacola anymore I was thinking about writing this. Oh well...whatever. ONE DAY LAST week I played at the Beau...and there were a whopping 23 players who decided to show up. OH! But they were just starting their Tournament Leader Board contest that night. Yeah it was April 15th, whatever that day was.

The Beau is running this thing where there are two or three different 'sessions.' If you are in the Top 40 of a 'session' you become eligible to play a $10,000 Freeroll tourney at a time after that session ends. Which is great, unless. Unless, say you crush Session 1, end up like in the Top 5....then the freeroll is on June 7th'ish...which just so happens to coincide with you being in Vegas for the WSOP? Are you screwed? Can you move your spot to a later freeroll? A question for Johnny or Ken I suppose.

I will give you the nuts and bolts of that April 15th tourney. I made the Final Table. I finished 5th. For my efforts, I literally won back my buy in. I would have fallen $20 short...but I had a side bet with this guy at the table. Before Level 6 started, I proclaimed that there will be no fewer than 5 all in's this level...that I personally might be responsible for half of them! I got someone to take an over/under bet of 4.5 for $20. I of course took the over. We weren't even halfway into the level when my ALL IN became number 5. Ship the $20 sir, and oh yeah...ship me the pot (again!).

Okay...this was perhaps the biggest test of my patience in a tourney EVER! There wasn't just ONE of them...there were TWO. Old guys who took about 15 to 45 seconds on EVERY hand. I was about to have a come apart. Add that to the guy on my left with the nervous leg syndrome....who had his foot on that rail below the table...so that when he was 'going' the whole table was 'going.' Look I too have a bit of a NLS thing going on...but when my leg is 'going' I keep my feet away from the rail.

The first old guy I didn't mind that much because he was sitting next to me and was showing his cards. I mean...I didn't have to even TRY to look, they were just THERE. To not look would have required blinders like the ones race horses wear. It was hilarious the cards this guy was playing. What wasnt hilarious (depending on your point of view) was how lucky this guy was getting. Once, in a hand with Rooster...he limped in for 400 (with 44), where Rick made it 2000 on the button with what would have appeared to be something like JJ/QQ/KK. The flop comes 4-Q-5 and the old guy bets out 3000. Rooster goes into his 'deer in the headlights' pose. I am not going to break any rules here and give Rooster any 'signals' to tell him to fold but in my head I am willing him to fold. He sits there staring at the guy for a minute or two...and I've seen that Rooster look before. Rooster is about to go broke. Then it happens. ROOSTER FOLDS! Whoa! I couldn't believe it!
WOW! Nice bet on the flop sir. He checks there and Rooster is surely gone.

Oh make no mistake, this guy was horrible. Calling raises with shit like K3 suited, J7 suited, A4...he was our stereotypical 'nightmare' player. This was my favorite hand. At 150/300 I limp for 300 UTG with KQ offsuit. 5 people call. Decent pot. Dude is showing me K10. Mmmmm...the 'ol King Ten. The flop comes K high...like K-3-5 if I remember right, two hearts. I have the Q of hearts. Whatever. The old guy bets out 400. I smooth call (obviously)....one other person calls...then this guy who is famous for the late position squeeze raise doesn't disappoint and raises it to 2500. To me an obvious squeeze raise designed to take down the pot. Well, the old guy SMOOTH CALLS! Cue the Monkey to release the hounds. I immediately move all in for like 14K! Well, I know I have ONE OF EM beat!!!! Barring a three outer on the turn or the river. I will take my chances! Mr. 2500 on the button folds quickly. This is where the old guy gets confused (for the 25th time already). He is looking at the other guy....not knowing that I have gone all in....trying to figure out what the guy has, when we all tell him..."Sir, he just FOLDED...Monkey is ALL IN...its your turn to act." I am CERTAIN he is going to call...but then he folds. Dammit.

A couple hands later, he gets moved to another table. Double Dammit! Well, he is replaced by the other old guy. This guy was ten times worse. He has been put into the game by his Grandson, or son (???) for his birthday. He has never played before. (so he claims...and pretty believable) Once we arrive at the antes it became a friggin nightmare, not only for the players but the dealers. "Sir, I need your ante", "Sir I need your big blind" "Sir, its 800 to call, you can't bet 400." If he said "How much do I need to put out there to call?" one more time I was going to start punching myself in the face.

Holding 15k in chips with me holding 17k....he is under the gun...and literally looks at his cards and goes "Ohhhhh...." as his face lights up...and raises from 300/600 to 3000. Gee....wonder what HE has? AK? AQ? JJ? God only knows...but I am sure that when it folds around to me I am going to undoubtedly look down at something like KK/QQ. Which.....is exactly what happens. No shit. Pocket Kings. Now, I KNOW that against ANY OTHER PLAYER ON THE PLANET...I am re-raising here...probably all in...and frankly, I wish I had. But I KNOW he isn't folding...and not that I probably want him too...but whatever, I decide to just call and see a flop (fading an ace). So what hits the flop? An ace, of course. I check to him. And he bets....oh....I don't remember, I was too busy giving the dealer a snotty look to remember, lets just say it was more than I cared to lose...and folded face up.

A few hands later I raise on the button (with him in the big blind) with 99. He calls (of course) and the flop comes 10 high. He goes all in. I am getting that feeling now...you know....the one where you feel like your bones are slowly getting all together inside of your body...and planning, in one huge assault, to break free from the bonds that hold them together...picture if you will, 283 bones breaking free from your skin and just running loose and free all over the poker table, laughing at you! You know that feeling?

Revenge arrives on the next orbit. I raise on the button (AGAIN! Which for those of you who know me, KNOW how unusual button raising is for me!) with QQ. He...duh, CALLS...again, after finally figuring out the correct number of chips to put out there. Keep in mind, I am now 4x raising this guy. No problem. We like the flop. A-Q-7. Rainbow. He bets out 3000. Really? Okay, I call. The turn is the....we shall call it, non-threatening, 4 of spades. He bets out 4000. Leaving himself with 8K behind. This is funny. I move all in for a total of 7500. Or 3500 more. Into a pot that is now...Oh God....I don't know...well over 12k....and he insta-mucks! Incredible.

But don't fear...the Human Rain Delay will luckbox his way into getting all those chips back. We make the final table. He ends up doubling up with AQ vs. AK when he spikes a Q on the river. In his defense, he was a very sweet old man. And his son/grandson was very nice too. So...as mind-numbing as it was to watch him operate, he was at least likeable.

Which is more than I could say about the twit in the two seat (I was in the three). A player I play with a lot, in the 1 seat, who's name I don't know...was involved in a hand with this jackass. He raised preflop heads up in the blinds. Twit called. Flop comes A high. SB bets. Twit calls. Make a long story longer...by the river there was one ace, two kings, and a flush on the board. SB gets scared by the river and checks. Twit bets big. SB folds, and shows an Ace. Dickhead shows him a 4. Before I can even think about saying something....Seat 1 says..."ahh man, now come on...was that really necessary?" Exactly. What a prick. His comeback? "Oh I'm sorry, I don't play very much...I wasn't trying to make you mad." Yeah, right asshole. In the next few hands you would hear statements like "Well, I was getting 2.5 to one to make the call" and "I would have to say he was priced in to making the call with any two cards after that raise" then "There isn't a whole lot of chop equity in this tourney." Yeah, okay pal...you don't play much. The 'ah shucks' act just wasn't gonna work here slappy!

When he tried to explain himself I called bullshit on him. "Dude, that is about my biggest Top Ten Pet Peeve right there...showing your 4 just to piss the guy off. I'm telling you...you did that to me, like you did it to him...and I will knock the shit out of you. Not here, not in the poker room...never, ever in the poker room...but I will follow a mother(#@(*& out of the casino and into the parking deck!" That kind of shut him up. And I made it my mission to whack this guy.

I get my favorite hand (UTG) K9 and since I am low on chips...and its HIS big blind...I move all in. "Is that just because its MY big blind?" I tell him "Um..yeah, thats exactly why I am moving all in here. That and I have my favorite hand!" He folds.

I watch him pull an all in over the top of a raiser...who had AJ...then shows 44. And crows about it. Well, I am getting low again...and UTG I get 44! I think you all know what is coming. I shove. Folds around to him and he announces "Well, I have to call you!" What does that mean? QQ/KK/AA or AK??? Surely one of those. Nope. KQ offsuit. Flop? K-K-7. How nice. I do pick up a heart draw on the turn....brick. OUT. FIFTH. UGH. I am out of the GERITOL POKER CHALLENGE!!!! Lose to the twit. Have a nice day sir, and maybe think about a nose job. That thing is huge!

I resist sitting down and playing cash game. I go straight home. I win a SNG on Stars...and fall asleep. I wake up at 9am...and go to Pensacola. I get my yard and house looking marvelous. Then I stay at my friends hotel downtown for the night. I decide to go out 'on the town' in search of delicious food and possible entertaining conversation.

At the Crab Trap (new in Pensacola, next to Joe Patti) I sit at the bar, which is completely empty, except for one guy who I guess is the sushi guy's roomate. I order a dozen oysters on the half shell and a crunchy shrimp roll, which ends up taking the guy about 47 minutes to construct. Even though the place is dead. Oh yeah..it was a THURSDAY. The oysters are amazing, cold, and firm and very tasty. Meanwhile, the Karate Kid back there is still working on my roll. Why do sushi guys think they have to wear the fucking bansai bandana? To me its insulting. We all know you aren't a samarai dude. Just make my freaking sushi roll. It arrives. Its terrible. But the best part, was the guy telling me, "I hope you like it, usually it would be better, but I am kind of in a hurry to get out of here." ???? What the fuck? Did this guy really just say that? Well, he was right. It sucked. One of those rolls that never stays together. About the time you get your chop sticks around it, and start to dip in soy sauce it comes apart. Then the 'crunchy' part of the crunchy roll was like, and I am not kidding here....RICE KRISPIES! The good news though, was that everything on their sushi menu was grossly overpriced. They had some stupid name for their California Roll, and it was $9.99. I have never seen a California Roll for over $7. Not even in Vegas. We pay the tab (we being ME) and leave.

I go to the Fish House. Which has added a whole new bar out on the deck since my last visit. I cruise around looking...and finding mostly Cougars who should have never been let out of their cages. I look to find the candidate for 'most interesting bartender' to talk to. I find her. Here ya go...she is about 6 months pregnant. Yeah. That's something you don't see every day, right? We start out bad. She greets me, says she will be right with me. 17 minutes later I am still waiting. I finally get service. Glass of wine please. Menu please. Order a Scallop Risotto, which sounds great. I am excited. While waiting...I am entertained by this guy to my right...who is with two girls. One of the girls is kind of a 'poor mans' Christina Ricci...who coos and cawws at everything this guy says. The other is a conservative looking, but pretty girl of about 24...who I later find out is a defense attorney for the Navy. She is actually pretty smart and interesting, and about to move to D.C. NO! Leaving this SOCIAL HOTBED for D.C.??? Are you sure you want to make that move!???

Well, have you ever been that guy who is alone, at the bar...and can't help but observe listening to the people next to you? It's kind of awkward right? Except in this guy's case, I think he was WANTING to be heard. First let me describe this guy. Okay wait. I'm getting a visual. Ever watch Sex in The City? I think back to one of those scenes where they are all going out on dates, and they keep cutting to one after another...and there is one when I think Carrie is on a date with a short little weasel of a guy who acts and talks like he is the cats meow. That was this guy. About 5 foot 8...wearing a nice suit (at 10pm) with tie still on, and the jacket still buttoned up. Talk about 'office fresh appearance.' We will call him average looking. He will have you think he is 'The Ladies Man.'

I finally start laughing when he launches into this diatribe to the lawyer chick about "these are the FIVE things that every woman should know to do to keep her man" and started rattling them off. Wow. Okay, now I know I am getting old(er) and with older age comes a slight deterioration of the looks, but folks, 'ol Monkey here at one time had some SERIOUS game. I knew pretty much all the in's and out's of womanizing. How to get them, how to keep them, how to ditch them if necessary...it was pretty much my greatest single talent...and yeah, I am now happily engaged to a wonderful (most of the time!) woman who I have no desire to cheat on or replace, and with that comes a certain inner peace to know that I have climbed the mountain, seen the view...and am content to go back to the base camp and make a nice little foothold there.

So with all that in mind, sitting and listening to this guy was absolutely the most hilarious thing I had heard in...well, maybe 2009. Not sure which was my favorite...but probably this one, complete with the stupid facial expression that went with it...."you gotta keep that body rockin!" ahhhh yes, the 'ol keepin that body rocking demand. Because all of us guys are so good at keeping OUR body rocking after 3 to 10 years of marriage. Rigggghhht! True, I probably don't want to imagine racing home to have sex with a woman who is about 30 to 50 pounds over weight...but to hear this guy put it the way he put it...wow. Oh another of his 'ways to keep your man' that made me throw up in my throat was his insistence to 'keep it spicey!' like dressing up in unusual outfits. Dude. QUIT READING COSMO DUDE! You are a fucking MAN! That does not APPEAL to us normal guys. If I come home and Squirrel is prancing around in some sexy french maid outfit...I am going to think and act a few ways. (a) Sweetie, is that your Halloween costume this year? (b) Did you guys get new uniforms at work, dear? and/or (c) Wow, a real life French Maid has come to clean the house? Awesome!

My risotta arrived. She (Heather the pregnant bartender, who by the way is unmarried and about to become another single mother) delivers it and warns that the plate is hot, even though she clearly has her hand firmly placed on the plate. What is the deal with "be careful the plate is hot!" I think this is something dreamt up by the restaurant people years ago to make you THINK that your food just came out of the pan and is piping hot and fresh. Don't we ALL almost always grab the plate to see JUST HOW HOT it is? I do. And in this case...the plate wasn't even WARM! And neither of course, was the food. In fact, it was barely warm. The good news (for her) was that I was a bit high, as well as into my third glass of wine, and hungry...so I didn't even care. She wanted to take it back but I told her to never mind. The scallops were also undercooked. Oh well. I ate every bite, all while listening to the guy who lives under the bridge tell his tales of how to keep a woman.

Finally the troll and his ladies depart. I can't decide on a dessert so I order three of them, one to eat and two to take to my hotel room. Creme Brulee, which I eat there, and was amazing. Key Lime Pie, which at 3am was phenomenal, and Tiramisou, which at 10am the next day was also incredible. Yes, dessert was truly the highlight of my Fish House experience. I awoke early and spent the next day wrapping up things at the house, which included a climb up a 45 foot ladder to cut the dead foliage off the bottom of my two palm trees. What a nightmare. Then...as I am about to be finished, I look down at the ladder, one of those extended ladders, and see that there is a crack in it! It is getting bigger...and any second the thing is going to SNAP..sending me to the ground, from 45 feet up. I am working alone. I am sure to break something. My back? My neck? Maybe a leg? All while not having any health insurance. I am certain I have seen this in a movie before. Oh my God...I slowly slither down the ladder...with one eye on the ladder (and fissure), one eye on the ground...and the other eye...oh wait, yeah, I only have TWO eyes don't eye, I mean, I? Yeah...well, I made it to the ground safely.

So, two questions. (1) If that had broken, and I had been thrown to the ground and severely injured, would I have been able to sue the ladder maker? And if so, for how much? (2) Where in the hell do you throw away a ladder that big? Do you just leave it somewhere and let THEM take care of it? Like, maybe outside the back door of a SubWay sandwich shop?

This entry is getting really long. Really, really long. It is Monday. I want to tell you about my weekend on Stars and my shitty 15k guarantee at the Beau Rivage on Sunday...but I think I will have to wait. Plus, it is sunny outside, its 1:30 only...and I am pale as a ghost. Oh, and rumor has it, we are going bowling again tonight. GREAT, just as my knee was getting back to normal. Squirrel is out there now...wearing the ugliest pair of panties I have ever seen. I think I will join her. I have a new book, "CUBA" another Stephen Coonts novel. Just finished the other one by him...the DEEP BLACK: CONSPIRACY book I was reading. Lets go get some sun. Maybe tonight on the way to go bowling we can stop by Saki and get some REAL sushi.

A quick little shout out to my boy Allie Prescott, who is on FIRE. Were it not for a couple of total shitstorm, horrendous beats at the Final Table...he would have probably won two, maybe three of the recent Ceasers Circuit events out in Vegas...as it is, he still has four big final tables this year and is sitting in 37th in POY points as he heads into the $25,000 Five Diamond Main Event at the Bellagio. He won an event at the Foxwoods last month, then final tabled another one two days later. I hope he does something big in this Bellagio event, could make for a very FUN summer for us! Well, and I just like to see my buddies win. Even if I am a bit envious, for the shitty year I have been having so far this year. Granted, four final tables and 7 cashes would be good for most people right? Not anymore. Unless those four final tables had resulted in say...a 1st, a couple 2nds and a 3rd ...then we would at least be about +$100,000 for the year. Such is the poker life. Going to get my tan on now!!!!

MONKEY

YARD WORK, MEGA SAT and TAXES....

Isn't it funny how much better you feel after you wash your car? Or how much happier you are when you pull out of your driveway after having spent 5 hours cutting your grass and then edging and weedeating everything? Then of course you stop at the light before getting on the freeway, and there is that scary-looking cement island that is overgrown with grass and weeds...and that just makes you crazy!

After that old Donkey dispatched me from Saturday's tourney, I went back (for some dumb reason) at 7pm to play the 2nd chance, ahem...3-table SNG. Yeah. 23 players. What a joke. Needless to say I wasn't feeling very inspired to win. All inspiration I may have had went out the window when...limping in with 22...and flopping 2-Q-5...I thought it would be fun to slow play it and try for an early double up. Turn 3....four in the hand...BB bets 500...I smooth call looking for someone to raise...no one does, they both fold. 5 on the river for a boat. BB bets 500 again. I raise him all in. He calls. He shows Q-5. Sweet. Now shortstacked, I start pushing. Get two folds before the third guy wakes up with AA! Magical. I have KJ. Flop J. Turn Flush draw.....no! Don't do it! I want out of here!!!!! Brick the river...and I was OUTA there! What a joke.

Went and played cash game. Big mistake. Again. Bought in for $200. Ran it up to $550. Lost a bunch with QQ vs KK on a J22 board. Sweet. Up and down all night. Then someone started ordering Red Snappers. At some point I ended up in the service bar...as the guest of Bruce the beverage manager...supervising 'Herman' on how to make a 'proper' Red Snapper. Shortly after losing more chips, drinking more snappers, and eating some crab cakes...I found myself in the restroom throwing up. First time I had hurled in a couple of years. It didn't get better. I would pass out in there. Finally woken up by either security or a janitor. WTF? That was weird. Not sure what reason I had for NOT going home. But I would return to the table to some assclown who thought he was at a 5/10 table. Every limp was met by a $30 preflop raise by this fool. Raising $30 to win $6 to $10 every hand. Finally I limped in with AKh with the intention to shove $180 back at this asshole. I got my wish as he raised to $30. Three callers later I now actually had a 'reason with logic' to shove. I shoved. Everyone folded but him. His 88's stood up. I went home.

Sunday brought a wicked hangover. I treated it at 8am with a variety of medications and went back to bed. At 9:45am I woke up again. This time without the head-splitting headache. I am not sure how, but I found the motivation to go mow the lawn, then change the blade on my stick edger, which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. Edged pretty much the whole neighborhood. Decided the neighbors' yards should look as good as mine. It was a five hour experience. While this was happening Squirrel was doing laundry, shaving Jasper and giving them both a bath. At 7pm...I got on PokerStars and won a $12/45 person SNG. I decided to retire a champion for the day. If you missed anything, yes! I sat out all the BIG Sunday tourneys on Stars and did yard work. And you know what? It felt delightful.

Monday was Mega Satellite day. This whole mega was a bit of a mess. Players who finished 2nd through 5th in any tourney that got over 100 players were given 'free' entry into this. We already knew a LOT of the players holding these weren't going to be making it to play...which is what made it attractive. With the hopes of there being maybe 35 of the 45 vouchered players either showing up or selling them off to other players, and maybe 10 buying in...we were looking at a possibility of 40 players there playing with 50 represented. Well, I got there on time. For a change. And the printer was out of toner. So I got to sit there and wait, thus...being late, as usual. Then...I look up on the board, it says 36 players. Suede Jacket Johnny comes in and announces, "Players we have 36 in today's tourney and will be awarding 3 seats!" to which 80% of the other players started freaking out!

Everyone was heavily counting on an overlay. Well, John or someone told everyone that the players holding those vouchers had the option to play THIS one...or come back and play one of them in the fall. Whoa! Not what we were told. Not what I was told by Johnny and Ken. And no one there had any idea of that. Had they, a lot of them would have held onto them and played in the fall. And I'm sure those guys who sold their $550 seat to other people for $300-$350 would have certainly done the same. Not to mention those who would simply throw them away not knowing. It was beginning to stink...and stink bad. The players were ready to stage a riot.

Thats where I started to think..."You know, maybe its just a big misunderstanding, maybe John B. doenst have any idea, he is just operating like this because he doenst know any better. I am quite certain Johnny and Ken didnt tell me all that last week just to placate me...especially right in front of Everett from Rounders. No way!" So I told everyone to just chill out for a while, and let me get ahold of Johnny and/or Ken...and ask if this is REALLY the deal? If those non-attendees will INDEED be represented by added value to the prize pool as we were told they would be, or are they changing the rules on this deal in midstream.

I sent Johnny a text. Then Ken showed up in the room. I explained the situation to him. Calmly. Reminded him of our conversation last week. He agreed. Admitted it was kind of in Johnny's hands, and can't say if even Johnny knew what was going on for sure. So while we played level 2, Ken sat at an empty table with John B...and could see him talking on his phone. I had a feeling he was getting it all straight. All the players kept asking me if I got it fixed. I just told them all that "Guys, I did and said everything I could, when I know something I am sure you will ALL know something."

Well, we all went on break after two levels. When we returned, we were greeted with the news that the extra entrants who were NOT there had indeed had that value added to the prize pool, and we would NOW be playing instead for FOUR seats, with 5th getting $875. Everyone applauded, and at least 8 other players thanked me. It felt pretty good. But kind of awkward. I wasn't trying to win anyone's praise or garner special attention, I was just trying to do what was right for everyone. And get them to do what they had told us they would. I pretty much promoted this Mega as being a 'great value play' and hence...we had a decent showing...and some of those people had actually read my blog about it were there for that reason! So I kind of felt responsible to some degree. Thanks to Ken and Johnny for getting it all straightened out.

As for the Mega itself? Wow. What a day. We started at noon. It would last 6 and a half hours. In those six hours, I would get a total of 5 pairs. 22, 22, 33, 55 and 99. Thats it. I hit a couple of very nice flops out of the BB getting to look for free. I made a couple of strong re-raises in late position, taking pots without seeing flops. Through the first 8 levels I NEVER got myself All-In once. I was pretty shortstacked most of the day, but not painfully. Just slightly below the average. My first 'big' decision of the day came while sitting in the BB at 1000/2000 and 9 players left.

I met this gal, Cheryl...think she is from Atlanta...very attractive lady, in her late 40's maybe early 50's with a son who plays also...in an earlier tourney this event. Very nice lady. Well, she went on and read my blog the other day, and the first thing she tells me on this day was that she read it and thought it was great. Thanks Cheryl. Which made me feel pretty bad when she moved all in on my BB from the SB...and I looked down at KJ....which I had folded about 5 times already. She was all in for 8500. I had 2k in. I had 15K in my stack. It was time to try and get some chips. I had to at least be a coinflip there. I kind of put her on A10. I finally called, and told her I was sorry. She had 66. Not a bad race for me. I hit the K...and she was out. She was very nice about it, which made me feel better. Sorry again, Cheryl if you are reading this. You played great. Just bad timing there.

With 8 left...Doug (always forget his last name, dates red-headed Jessica) moves all in for 9300. I have around 21K. I look down at AQ. I feel like I probably have him killed. But I have been losing SO many races like this on this trip. Do I call, knock him out, and take a good stack into 7-handed play? Or do I fold, and avoid going down to a paltry 11K? It was a very tough decision. I finally decide to fold. Bad fold...not because he would tell me he had A10d...but because it just wasnt the right play there I don't think...given the other players' chipstacks.

We had 8 left. 7 of those were very good players. The chipleader, in what always seems to be the standard M.O. in these deals, is a complete and total donkey. Never seen the guy before, nor has anyone at the table. He is an absolute calling station. But he has so many chips that it will be hard for him to donk this off. Honestly, the guy should have just left. But I think he was under the impression that there would be some kind of trophy for finishing with the most chips. He is that guy who likes to limp into every hand....and now we were up to 1200/2400.

I have 11K now. I am getting desperate. He limps again for 2400. I have KQc on the button. I move in. Everyone folds to him. He asks his usual question "How much is it? Oh, I call!" and turns over the enemy, the nemesis...the DEVIL....KING TEN. Suited. Diamonds. Oh God. You think I should feel good right? Flop nothing but the J of diamonds. Turn the Q of diamonds. Oh GOD! Here we go again. Any diamond. Any Ace, Any 9. How many times have I been HERE with k10? The dealer puts a 5 of clubs on the river! Oh thank GOD! And I have a huge, much needed double up!

Then Big hand #2 arrives. This guy who I should have busted a LONG TIME ago...but misplayed A5 in the SB against him...limping and letting him and his shortstack shove on me...folding like a wuss, he moves in on me and my 22K. Well then DOUG goes all in on the button. SHIT! I look down at AK. Wow. We have 7 left. IF I bust them both...we are down to 5..and in the money. If I lose...wow, I am in bad shape. I have Doug covered by only a few thousand. The other guy has only 9200. Its a very crazy spot to be in. I am still pissed about folding the AQ to Doug earlier. Can't figure out what I think Doug has.....ah HELL....I CALL!

Doug has QQ. Oh hell! The other guy? 10 freaking 8. What me and my buddies call the 'Smokey Special.' Named after Charlie Oliver from Baton Rouge....his favorite hand. I feel GREAT when the dealer puts an ACE on the flop! Hold! Turn is a 10. Okay, okay.....then an 8 on the river. Wait....OH NO! Are you kidding me!??? Dude just tripled up to 27K. COME ON! I win only a couple thousand in the side pot. And now we are down to 6. But should be 5. Damn.

Donkey doubles up someone else. Donkey has got a chance to blow this. I am back to getting low again. And a little nervous. Last thing I want to do is fall out of this 6th and get nothing. That would SUCK! John Riola ends up getting locked up in a hand with Donkey...and loses, with JJ against a set of 8's. Bummer. Hate to see John get that far and get nothing.

So we are now in the money. 5 left. Then I get big hand #3. Donkey continues to limp into every pot. We are now at 2000/4000. I am in the SB with 2s4s. He limps again. I complete for 2k. BB checks. Flop comes 3s-6s-kc. Nice. The thing about this spot...I am liking the pot right now at around 14k. If I check...and this putz either bets big or God Forbid goes all in, which he might...I am in a position of HAVING to suck out...granted, I like my chances...but still, I think the correct play is to SHOVE first to act and HOPE (kind of) that he folds. Take down a nice pot, and be in really good shape. So I shove all in. Its a big enough shove to allow him to fold easily. Checking there and letting him bet like 10K...my 22K all in would have been an auto call for him.

BB folds. It gets to him...and again he asks "How much to call?" Only 22k donkeyboy! No problem. He calls. Oh hells bells. Guess what he turns over? KING SEVEN OFF SUIT! Thats right. No spades. Hmmm...great limp, even greater call there. Wow. This is where a fellow player, one that I like...I won't mention his name because we patched things up after I expressed to him how disappointed I was at this little demonstration...he starts basically chanting...."no spade, no spade, no spade...." as a Q of spades hit the river, and I became the new chipleader with close to 60k in chips.

I then proceeded to dress him down. Dude...are you kidding me? I would NEVER...EVER...sit there and openly root against a player that I both (a) like and (b) respect. Its just EFFED up. I mean, I get it...you want to win a seat...fine. We all do. So root in your head. And if I miss the spade, pretend to feel bad for me. On top of it all, I guess it really hurt my feelings. I would never do that. Its classless. Well, I explained my position to him...and he wouldn't stop apologizing about it. I finally had to tell him...if you ask me ONE MORE TIME if we 'are good' I am never talking to you again! I think he learned his lesson.

I then started a fun little game of limping in with hands like 6h7h, 9d10d, Q9....and either hitting flops and betting or flopping air and betting. No way in hell was I losing this Mega. No way. This thing was over! Then it was. The guy who sucked out on me with 10-8 completely fucked himself. Holding AQ in the BB...donkey boy min raised to 12K UTG with 22. Dude just calls in the BB...which is fine I suppose. But when the flop came Q-7-3...this is where he kills himself. He checks. Donkey bets 10k. Dude just CALLS! What? Turn is another 7 and he checks again! Donkey now checks. OMG. Now there are two hearts out there. On the river...the 2 of hearts...which freezes him. He checks AGAIN. Donkey goes all in. Dude tanks for a lonnnnnnng time...then calls. And finds out how HORRIBLY he played that hand. My gawd.....dude, fine, check the flop...knowing donkeyboy will bet...then when he fires out 10k....move in on his stupid ass!

Whatever, his loss was our gain. SHIP THE MEGA TO MONKEY...and DONKEY...and PRESTON....and...uh....what's his name? Blonde-haired young guy from Hattiesburg who always wears Full Tilt stuff...good player. Talk about a good feeling. I text all the necessary people who give a shit...and then update my Facebook status to "Monkey is celebrating! Put it on the board bitches! Monkey wins, Monkey wins! Lets go Bowling!"

Which is what I do. One of Squirrel's friends is having a birthday party at Ocean Springs Lanes...so I hot-foot it over there. Joining us later was 'The Claw', Gabe Kostner, 'Rooster', Kai Landry (who is in need of a nickname...and after watching his hilarious bowling posture, is quickly gaining some momentum as a possible 'GUMBY') Phillip "Quartersack" Walsh and his lovely (and later HAMMERED) wife Jodi as well as my dealer buddies Westside Bobby Smith, Brannon and Hercules...who were all recovering from a serious case of Brown Bottle Flu, earned the night before at Venues! There were about 15 of us...and we all bowled three games...which were enough to result in a sore forearm, a strained hamstring and a swollen left knee! I did manage to break 100 every game! KAI,GABE and ROOSTER would be the high scorers...Rooster brough his own ball, named "The Beast" which I had to (of course) give him shit about! It was a lot of fun! I hadn't bowled with Squirrel since one of our very first dates 8 years ago...and at this same place. She was cute...and bowled pretty good too. It was nice to be with all these guys and girls away from the poker room.

Today would end up being....grrrrr...stressful. I woke up, with the plan of going through my mail, updating my pools, who has paid, who hasnt, etc...make a run to the bank...then go by HR BLOCK to see how my old and senile preparer was coming on my return, and shoot over to Pensacola to put the finishing touches on my rental house and interviewing possible lessees. Well, it took me 3 hours to go through all my mail, which was okay...I got THAT out of the way. Figured out JUST how much money I actually have, what I owe, what is owed...you know. Established some peace of mind there. Then I go to the bank. And this is where the day got ugly. My tenant calls. She STILL isnt out. She STILL hasnt sent me her rent. She claims it was LOST in the mail. Mmmmmhmmmm. Sure. I agreed to only charge her for half of April, if she were OUT by the 15th, and it was ready to be rented. She isnt. So what was the point of going over there? Then I go to HR BLOCK.

Whoa. I sit down with this moron. He can't figure out why he is unable to access a part of my return. I look up and see that he has my SS# entered wrong. Ugh...scuse me sir...maybe THAT is the reason! Oh...yeah! It is. He'd been stuck on that one for days. Then one thing leads to another. I am taking deep breaths. I am feeling my skin starting to crawl off of my body. I get that feeling in my chest...like heartburn...or is it an alien about to burst out and start eating this guys' face? I'm not sure. But about the time he tells me I am only going to get 1/3rd of the money from Louisiana that got withheld ($1200, as opposed to $3800) last year...and how he has arrived at this retarded conclusion, I finally come slightly unglued. The first time I raise my voice he gets all defensive. Tells me "You better not yell at me!" To which I reply..."you know what Lyle, you're right, I better not...because it won't help me...so I am going to walk outside and yell at the parking lot!" Which I do.

Then Squirrel calls. And I explain the situation to her...while going mental. She is shocked at how insane I sound. I explain that if she were here...she would be right there with me. She recommends that I walk across the street and talk to the people she just had do her taxes two hours ago. (she got a speeding ticket on the way there 51 in a 35, are these cops kidding us!?)

So I walk back into HR BLOCK and tell Lyle that I am leaving, that he needs to have his office manager call me when he/she returns. I go across the street. Squirrel calls again and tells me I HAVE TO go to WAL MART with her. Did I mention it was around 4pm? Anyone here ever go to Wal Mart at 4pm when you need EVERYTHING imagineable? Have you ever pulled that stunt AFTER going through what I just went through in HR BLOCK? Did she secretly want me to join her so I could be featured on this evenings 11pm news for a report that would sound something like this... "Tune it at 11 to hear about a local man who went Apeshit in a local Wal Mart before finally being subdued by Animal Control agents and taken away for evaluation?"

Yeah, nice try Sweetie! I am NOT falling for that one! I will NOT be going to Wal Mart. Instead I came home...burned some leafy matter in that glass instrument I turn to in moments like these...and fell asleep on the couch. I awoke to the garage door opening...I was a good boy and helped her unload the groceries. Didn't help. She is still pissed at me. Oh well. At least she isn't pissed at me for how I just acted at Wal-Mart.

Tomorrow, we continue the fight vs. HR BLOCK and the legion of dipshits. Then...trek on to Pensacola, in hopes of getting money, a new tenant, the yard work done...and another TO DO item off of my list!

For now, I think I will get online and see if someone on Pokerstars will let me win some money! Enjoyed it. Hope some of you made it this far!!!

MONKEY

Clap On...Clap Off.....

If there is a pharmaceutical out there capable of getting me through this current stretch of poker without doing harm to myself, I am currently accepting all experimental 6 packs. Please inquire for a mailing address!

I am thinking of going 'chronological' with this entry, complete with time codes.

I woke up this morning to a buzzing phone and an email from Kai Landry, who has finally put his ridiculously gifted use of the English vocabulary to good use and created a new blog entry for us all to read and either (a) enjoy and/or laugh at, or (b) sit there with your dictionaries and look up every fifth word to try and figure out what 'that word means.' I fear that there is an outside chance that Mr. Landry may possibly be alienating a wide cross-section of potential readers with his DEEEEEEP thoughts and often times remote references that only the truly gifted can decipher. I, of course, am one of those that GET IT. So I will read and enjoy (and often giggle at) all of Kai's contributions. I can think of at least 5 of my fellow poker player-slash-buddies that also are on deck with Kai's eloquence. Moving on.

I am home on the couch. It is 3:11 pm. It is Sunday. 100 players today. Level 3. Okay, lets just start with this one I guess. Not sure I can really pull off Chronological. Hmmmmm...or can I? Do I go Quentin Tarantino on you guys here? Start at the end and work my back to the start by going TO the middle, or IS IT the beginning? Always so confusing his movies.

I will say this. I procurred a new experimental form of Aderol the other day from a fellow player who 'feels my need' and simply gave them to me. A real 'team player', the best kind of human being. As I have always been extra generous with my fellow players when I felt their need for the occassional muscle relaxer or mild pain sedative was required. Not one to feed the junkie, and not one to profit off of my limited supply...I feel its always good form to treat others as you hope to god they treat you later in life. Or a tournament. Such was the case.

This tourney is officially OVER. Except for that high value Mega into this fall's $5000 Main Event that happens on Monday, which I will play, for free...in exchange for 30% of my action should I win a seat. Pretty good deal for both of us, as he couldn't be here to play it, and I am a pretty good bet to win. Sorry, I am biased. I think I am good. So on this trip, I ended up making three Final Tables, none of which I finished higher than 5th in. Once upon a time I would be happy with this outcome. Not any more. This is what sucks about thinking you are good. And having a backer who thinks you are good. You expect and are expected....TO WIN.

THIS JUST IN! Claudia Crawford has just entered my house. As I was standing on the tub looking over the top of the shower telling Squirrel about the beatdown I just got done taking and how I have subsequently rushed home to perform my yard duties (brownie points) Claudia walks in. Ya'all...I have finally stopped laughing. Our favorite little Alabama Redneck affectionately known (branded by Moi) as "The Claw" has just strolled in (will NOT let me take her picture...damnit!) sporting the funniest thing I have ever seen her in! Picture this now. Black dress pants. (loosely using 'dress') White collared button down. Green Vest. Thats right. VEST! And a black bow tie. After I finished laughing, I asked her what the hell was up with the outfit...and literally asked her if she was either (a) auditioning for the next St Pauli girl or (b) slinging plates at an Irish Pub.

Whooops. Being a good sport, and having her priorities in life straight, and not being ashamed of 'doing what you have to do' she let me know that, YES...she was working as a waitress at Mama Mahoney's, that place that Bob Mahoney owns...you know? That guy who ended my 10k Beau Rivage event LAST January in 27th place (paying 18) when his 55 busted my KK and leading me to contemplate firebombing his restaurant for at least 4 months before finally deciding I preferred to be free and getting sucked out on than being incarcerated and getting sucked off! Well, she was happy to tell me that yeah, she is waitressing there, and enjoying it. Good for her. I love that girl. She has had a horrible year in poker. As has Gabe. Two of the best poker players I know. Coupled with how I am running, how Brandon Jarret is running, how BJ McBrayer is running (in live, NOT online!) it just makes me realize just how evil this game can be. And how HUGE it is if you have a backer who REALLY, REALLY believes in you and is willing to stay behind you. When you don't have a backer, and you run bad for any extended amount of time...you may just find yourself...walking up to a table and uttering the phrase, "Good evening, its good to see you...I hope you will enjoy having a Monkey take care of you this evening...I'm sure it will probably be the first time for you. I will promise that I will take care of you, and as long as you take care of me...no poo will be flung!"

LETS DO THIS!

Dateline. Friday. 12:28pm. $340 buy in. 86 players. Monkey has Q10. Blinds are 25/50. Limped pot. Flop 10-Q-7 rainbow. SB checks. I check (with intent to raise). Other two check. Dammit. K on the turn. SB bets 550. I raise to 1500. Everyone else folds. He calls. WTF!?? AJ? J9? Crap! River is a 3. He checks! WHAT? I have never seen this player. He is definitely a barn candidate. So knowing this...I just check. He has K10. (!*@#*(&!#@ Lovely.

Friday. 2:25pm. Having managed to make a couple of well timed all ins behind hands where 1 or more limped and taken down enough pots to get back to 2300...I raise with AQ and get two callers. Flop comes QQ7. I check. Other two check. Turn is 9. I check again. Guy on the button decides to get cute and bet all but 25 of my stack. Ha....nice one schmuck. I simply CALL! And leave 25. Say a few choice words and throw my quarter in on the river...which happened to be a K...oh! Go ahead, show me KQ....nope. He claims a Q though. Sure thing pal. Monkey doubles up.

Friday 5:45pm. Monkey has been on a tear. I have 17K. We are down to 23. I am starting to 'feel it.' Old guy on the button says...TO ME..."better be careful Monkey, I am due to get a big hand!" I tell him I am too, as I havent gotten one in 15 hands. And that one was actually crap too, but I stole the blinds with it! Think it was 910 suited. Here we go....UTG raises from 200/400 to 1200. I look down at good 'ol AA. And by the way, for those who dont believe any of these hands...Johnny Groomes personally witnessed ALL of these! I make it 3650 to go. Old Buzzard Boy looks down, and without even hesitating moves all in! Jerry (can't remember his last night, but a regular at the Beau) blurts out "that sound you all just heard was Monkey's butt cheeks clapping shut!" To which I turned 45 degrees to my right and simply replied, "You are wrong Jerry."

First raiser folds. I insta-call with, ahem....again...AA. Geritol Guy turns over...ya ready....pause for laughter here and effect...A-10 offsuit. Looks like Monkey is about to pick up another 12k and move to well over 30K. Sweet. Lets see what we can do here dealer. Flop comes 5-4-4. Hmmm...okay. 3 on the turn. Wait...oh no...don't do it! The lady on my left says "he just needs a two!" and what hits the river? A fucking two! CHOP. !*(&@#&(!#@

Friday 6:05pm. We are down to 15. I have been picking up numerous small pots. I am now up to 32K. Blinds are 800/1600 and I pick up JJ. There is this blonde lady at our table who is...well slightly overweight (being nice) and has been annoying the SHIT out of me all day. Not sure why. She hasn't done anything wrong. Hasn't said anything to me. I am just finding everything about her annoying. So when she looks down in the SB and INSTA shoves for 18K...I have a major decision. Fold, and still have 28K. Which is about average. Call, and be right...that I am ahead here...and win...I have a LOT of chips, and am well situated for a deep final table run? Hmmmm. I sit and look at her for about 3 minutes. I say to her "I am pretty sure you have either AK or 1010. Which isn't very reassuring." I pick something up when I say that...I don't know, some twitch or something...so I convince myself that she does in fact have one of those hands. I CALL. She turns over 10-10. I table my J-J and the whole table starts in with the "wow Monkey...how did you know?" Doesn't matter now...lets see what the flop brings. The flop brings a damn 10. I dont catch a J. Siggghhhhh. Back down to 14K.

Can't catch anything else before Suede Jacket Johnny sends us on a 1 hour dinner break. Great...walk around and mumble to myself for an hour about how unfair this year is, about how I am probably about to bubble a tournament I should be chipleader in.

7:22pm. While on dinner break, someone approaches me and tells me that some Omaha cash game player I'm not even sure if I KNOW...has been telling people he observed me say to another player that "I hope you get Diabetes!" WHAT? I go looking for this guy. Can't find him. People, you all know I am kind of crazy. You all know that I am capable of some pretty good one-liners, or spicey, whatever or however they affect your sense of humor. But there are certain things that are out of bounds for me. Life threatening illness is one of them. Cancer. AIDS. Alzheimers. Muscular Dystrophy. Down's Syndrome. Diabetes. My Mother has Diabetes, my brother has Down's. I would never use ANY thing in this zone to attack a fellow player...and I think that ALL OF YOU who know me, know this. So whoever this Jack Wilson guy is...I say to you....I hope when you get home tonight, your dog has caught rabies from a raccoon...and attacks you while you are sitting in your favorite lazy boy recliner! Don't worry, there is a cure for Rabies. There is NO cure for spreading false rumors about Monkey.

7:30pm. I return from dinner break. First hand. A8. Cutoff. ALL IN! Fold, fold, fold. Scoop 4000 chips. Up to 18K. Next hand A10s. ALL IN! Fold, Fold, Fold, Fold. Scoop 4000. Up to 22K. Three hands later...AJc. Raise to 4500. Lady in SB...looks down, looks at me...and Moves all in for 10,200. Great. 5700 to call. Getting two to one to call. Shit. We all hate this hand...but I don't see any way I can fold. I tell her I hope she has K-high, and she says "nope, Q high!" and turns over Q9c. Oh, lovely. Perfect, another hand where we are dominating pre-flop. No suspense here folks. Board runs out J-9-9-K-Q. Full house for the lady who thought with the button on the next hand, it would still be a good play to move in with Q9 when she could be fairly certain that I wasn't going to fold. Just another great play by another great player. Andddddd we are now back down to 12K. Nice. There are now 12 left.

8:15pm. Having moved all in once and getting a walk and gotten the stack back up to 15,500...Visor Boy...who if he wasn't somehow dared by someone to run half naked through the forest of trees that the ugly stick came from...sort of, in a bizarre way looks a bit like Brad Pitt...decides to raise to 5500...with the blinds 800/1600. I look down at AQc. I watched him before his bet...and knew he didnt feel very good about raising. Maybe the reason for such a large raise. But I was trusting my read...putting him on something like QJ, K10 suited...something 'not so tasty' and was just trying to chip up a little. SO I MOVE ALL IN, and PRETTY QUICKLY. "Wow, I just got these chips.....hmmmm....do you have JJ again?" I tell him..."Sir, I DO NOT have JJ." Which causes him to INSTANTLY CALL!

What are you all putting him on THERE? Are you as stumped as me? Well, I didn't have to wait as long as you guys are....he turns over (snicker snicker) KJ offsuit. Now we are laughing. However, those cards are LIVE...right? And this is 2009. I get up and hover behind the dealer..peeking over his shoulder...as the flop comes 4-5-2. Okay so far. 8 on the turn. Okay, okay...dont do it to me. 5 on the river!!!!! WOW! Monkey wins Monkey wins. I have the guy covered, just barely...and we are now down to 11, and I now have a pretty decent stack at around 38K.

9:20pm. We get to 10. We all move to the Final Table. Yipppeee! Back, at the Final Table. Gary (always forget his last name...good player!) is the small stack, and asks me to do the 'money for 10th' pitch. He feels awkward since he is small stack. And he would do it for the 10th guy if HE were chipleader...so of course I do the presentation, and everyone is on board with it. In my SB...Gary ends up going all in (with 99) and it folds around to a guy who I can only describe as.....well, hmmm...you know what? The guy did join Monkey's Red Snapper Posse, along with 4 others at the table when we got to the Red Snapper Presentation...so I will take it easy on him.

Rooster ORDERED me earlier to put this guy in the barn. I had him at my table earlier. He has a thing about stacking his chips as HIGH as he can get them before they have no where else to go but all over the table. And he also likes calling ANY raise and ANY small'ish ALL IN with ANY ace. He min-raised under the gun....Rooster looked at AQ...moved all in for quite a bit, but which 'Twin Towers' later deemed to be 'not much more to call' and called with A4. Not sure what he hit...but whatever it was put Rooster on the rail.

So this guy goes over the top all in. He is chipleader. I look down at AJd. Had I had a crystal ball, I would have called, taken over the chiplead...and probably won the tournament. But like a good player, I folded. He tabled QQ. Flop comes A-4-8. J on turn, 3 on river. Gary is out. And goofy over there has more chips to stack to the sky.

9:45pm. I raise 6000 (from 1k/2k) from UTG with AQ. Donkey on the button calls. Another guy I hope I never have to play with again. BB completes. Great. Come on dealer! Flop comes a disgusting 10 high. I watch the guy go to grab chips before I even begin to act and decide a c-bet here is proabably a VERY bad idea. I am right, as I check and he fires out 10K with what I am sure is A10. Sigh! Down to 22K

9:50pm. Very next hand. In BB....with AKh. UTG raises to 5500. It folds around to me. I suppose I could have flatted here...and seen a flop. It wouldn't have been the worst play. But this was a guy who had done a lot of raising with a lot of pretty shitty hands. And if I move all in and he folds, I am pretty pleased with that pot. If he calls, and god forbid I am actually ahead, I double up. I think All In is the right play here. Feel free to send me your thoughts on this hand. He has me covered but only by about 3000. He tanks for a long time. And I think he just about to fold when he suddenly pushes them in. He has JJ. Good 'ol JJ. Not my favorite hand on this trip. Dealer gives me NOTHING. Thanks Melissa. Still love ya though. Not your fault. Just NOT running good this year. I go out 9th. A very disappointing 9th. For another huge score of $700.

10:00 pm. After going downstairs and telling Squirrel that I am out...I decide to turn left instead of right (for the door) and go to play a little 1/2 for awhile. I commit myself to ONLY coming off of $200. $200 becomes $400 when my KQ gets K10 to go all in on a board of K-9-Q-7-3. I float around 400-500 for about 2 hours. Then it happens. Like it always does. A old, goofy looking moron shows up in the 9 seat. They are always the ones who stack me. On a limped pot with 9-10...we catch a pretty nice flop of 9-9-J. Hmmm.....this should be good. Two checks and a guy bets $5. I raise to $15. Donkey boy CALLS. Other guy folds. 8 on the turn. I now have trips with a straight draw. This guy checks to me. ???? Hmmm...I check now...hoping to fill up or improve to a straight, which I do when the 7 hits the river. He bets out 45. I raise to 120. He goes all in. Its another 45 to call. Jeezuz...lets see it Goofball. Pocket 8's. Boat. Jeezuz.

I win a couple hands to get back to respectability, once flopping K-K-8 holding K8. That was fun. Once flopping three spades holding 10s-5s and play it pretty good...getting about as good a value as I could. Start feeling a little better. Then I make a VERY stupid play!

By the way...is anyone STILL reading this entry? I know it HAS to be getting wayyyyyyy long!

I have KQ. This kid keeps making it $7. He does it again. And it usually means he has Ax. The flop comes 10-10-7. He checks. Duh. Me too. Turn is an Ace. I know he's betting. He does. I decide to get cute here and raise. He just calls. Damn. Well, Josh has to put the one card I REALLY didnt need to see on the river. A damn J. Broadway. Are we excited? Or are we feeling that feeling we get when we know we are about to get the Beau Rivage Beatdown? A little bit of both I suppose. He bets into me...$40. Okay. Do I just call the $40 and hope my straight is good against...what? Trip tens? Maybe AJ? Two pair? Or has this guy masterfully played A10 against me here? Shit. I feel like NOT raising SOMEthing would be stupid, convinced that if I min raise...he will either pay me off or try to push me out with an all in? I should have just CALLED there...with the paired board. But I decide to be stupid and min riase to $80. HE PUSHES ALL IN. Another $220 to call. SHIT!!! And I just KNOW I am dead. But now...there is like fixing to be $600 in the pot. And if he DID have a FuLL HOUSE...why is he pushing all in? Because he thinks I might be dumb enough to call? Well, I was dumb enough to call...and he shows me A10. Wow. And you guys wonder why I fade the cash game.

Here is how it finishes up. I pull out another $200. Maybe 5 hands in this new kid at the table raises...and I pick up AQ...Q of clubs. I call. As do three others. The flop comes Ad-5c-8c. Hmmm. Not bad. I check. Another check. Kid bets $25. I decide to play this one with some balls. I raise to $55. Fold. And he calls. Just calls? 7 of clubs on the turn. Top pair. Good kicker. Good flush draw. I bet out $75. He puts me all in. Its another $50. I can't really fold. Blank on the river...he turns over AK...with the A of clubs. Wow. That sucks. I am done! I shake the kids hand....and say goodbye.

12:20am. Walk in door. See shiny glass instrument laying on kitchen counter. I fill it up with a plant like matter, set fire to it....and inhale. Then walk to bedroom. Lay down. Attempt to check email. Pass out. Squirrel calls. I am going to Venues with my friends. You are invited to join us. No thanks. I pass back out.

3:34am. Phone rings again. "Sweety, what's that called when everyone is sitting around talking...and then suddenly there is that long pause where no one says anything?" Um...okay...you are thinking of a 'pregnant pause' dear, but in YOUR case...where you and your 7 friends are all in the same room...and ALL OF YOU stop talking for more than 2 seconds...that is simply called a 'once in a lifetime occurrence' sort of like an eclipse or a comet that strikes Earth and ends life as we know it, and we should probably call up the people at 'Ripley's Believe It or Not.' I go back to sleep.

11:15am. Wake up. Send out Master's Pool Update to the 84 players in this years pool. Notice that I appear now to have no chance to win. Great. Check my email and see Kai's hilarious entry.

12:22pm. Walk into the Beau Rivage. Get my typical Seat 10, punishment for being late. Notice that I have 5 good players at my table, 3 horrible players, and 2 unknowns. Also at my table is Dan Walsh, my....ahem...buddy from Atlanta who just two days ago knocked me out of the Main Event with his over-played JJ vs. my AA...and who I really wish would quit his over-the-top damage control efforts to win back my affections. Its very hard to stay mad at him...hes just too fucking likeable. The asshole.

I lose the first few hands I play. In fact on my first hand...and with one of UNKNOWNS raising 250, I look down at AK, behind THREE callers. Um, hmmmm...lets just not get stupid here. I call. Just call. Flop comes crap and I get out of the hand.

1:15pm. Having just lost another hand and now sitting on 3800 chips I decide to play 5d7d for 100. Four in the hand. The flop comes Qd-5c-9d. Nice eh? Unknown old guy bets out 350. Fold, Fold..to me...oh yeah, I call. Other guy folds. Turn is a brick. But gives me a gutshot. A black 8. He checks. Checks? Hmm...wonder if HE is also on a flush draw. Might need to root for a 6 here. River is an Ace of Diamonds. Tricky. He bets.....you ready? ONE HUNDRED! If you can't read...he bet $100! Into a pot that is roughly $1000. Um....sir, I just made my hand...and I have to raise you a little bit at least. I will make it 300. What does he do? HE SHOVES ALL IN! For very close to what I have. But not as much. I know this...because after talking it out...and watching his face react when I tell him I have a flush...(in my mind I was at first fearing that he had a bigger flush and was just baiting me with the 100 bet, which might be what a GOOD player would do...but this guy was NOT good) I think I spot a hesitation when I say flush. But I can't be 100% positive.

I look at my watch. Its still early in the day. Its a sunny day. The lawn needs to be mowed. Then I count my chips. I will have 750 left. Well, yesterday I engineered a major comeback from shortstack. Hmmm. And I think I am good. I call! Good Call! He turns over A9. Off suit. Have a nice day sir. I now have 7500 chips. Sweet.

2:35pm. Jennifer Gladden has just busted out to a young redneck with a Georgia Bulldogs hat...who after limping in with K7d....and calling a big 4x raise on the button by Jenn (sporting QQ I'm pretty sure) he flops four to the flush on the flop...checks, calls her 1500 bet.....the turn is a blank and he checks...Jenn checks when she should have moved all in for her last 2500 there...but lets him catch a diamond on the river to whack her.

Well, I pick up K7d in the SB...and with 5 limpers for 200 I am not folding there EVER for another 100. I tell the guy next to me...this hand could be interesting...with me having K7d and the PUNK from UGA in the hand...who by the way has just quickly donked off about 1500 of those chips since dumping Jenn.

Flop comes K-7-10. Rainbow. Wow! I am 2nd in chips at the table with 8500. This old guy in an Alpha Romeo jacket bets $650 behind me and the BB's checks. Everyone folds to me...and I raise to $2500. Old man Racing Jacket is the chipleader at our table. BB folds. He insta shoves. Come on! Not again. Can I possibly be getting drilled by the demonistic K-10 AGAIN!??? No way in HELL this guy has 10-10 or 7-7. or AK. He would have raised with ALL of those hands. Well....what to do, what to do. Fold, and still have 6700 chips. Which would be just fine. Or call...thinking, almost KNOWING...that this clown has KQ or KJ...but also knowing how BAD these dealers have been coolering my ass....but calling and fading the suckout...and be sitting here with over 18k in level 3...in a small field...with a chance to almost coast to the final table!?? I'm conflicted...but then the 'good' poker player in me takes over...and I tell him..."Sir, I am 95% certain that you have KJ or KQ...and I really want to see if I can fade the suckout for once this year! I call!" He turns over KQ. Johnny Groomes is standing there. I get a couple looks...the usual ones..."wow, Monkey...great call, great read!" Its one thing to be good. Its another thing to be right. And its another thing altogether to sit there and pray that the dealer doesn't roll out two cards like A followed by A...to again...fuck me in the ass!

I walk over to the couch by the final table...and lay down on it...face down...and just scream into a cushion. I don't move for what felt like an hour. Johnny came over and offered his condolensces. Disgusting. I go collect my bag, my monkey and my iPod and leave the building. Again...the victim of a ridiculous beat. I guess the only good thing about all this is that EVERYONE now KNOWS how awful my luck has been. Pretty sure none of them are saying things when I leave like..."Wow, can you believe how awful Monkey just played today!???"

And now...here we are...5:59pm. I have been writing this for over two hours. That damn second chance tourney starts in one hour. The lawn needs to be mowed. My dogs would probably like me to throw them the ball. I need to go to the bathroom. These jeans are making me crazy. And that new Aderol I took 20 minutes before that old retard busted me is now raging in full effect...so I kind of think I should go see if I can make one more attempt at demonstrating that SKILL actually wins once in awhile.
Anyone care to join me?

Sorry for the length of this entry...but you know??? When I start writing sometimes I just can't stop!!!!

MONKEY