Merely replies to reader comments (including Anonymous A-Hole)

Thats all this entry is....

As I sit here on hold with stupid AOL. I am ready to pull all my hair out. I went to FREE AOL about a year ago...and now its just this rampant cluster-F#&@ where sometimes the email functions work, and the rest of the time they don't. I regularly need to send out a mass email to my distro list...and usually its fine. But for some reason this week...they won't send. So...I open an account on Gmail...and try that way. And I can't tell if its sending or not. Sighhhh.

So then, I decide, what the hell, I will pay for the damn AOL service...$11.99 a month. So first thing that happens when I try to resend the BIG email? Same thing. Grrrr(*@#&*(@!(*!!!!!!!!! So then, since you cant GET phone support as a free customer, but CAN as a paid customer...I try to call support...as I am now a paying customer! What happens? I get that automated effing robot...trying to 'get me to the right person.' Does that work? Nope! "Im sorry, I can't understand the information you entered, lets try something else...."  Yeah...lets try smashing this phone against the wall!!!!

So now I am on hold...14th in the QUEUE to get live online help! Yeah this should be good!

Oh...yeah, okay this is all about reader replies. Um...first of all, I didn't win last night. In fact, I didn't even make the final table. Which is bad, considering there were only 14 total players! Nice!

Yeah it was just one of those...."nothing is going right for me" kind of nights. And then...when this guy limped on the button for like the 5th time...at 100/200 with a 25 ante...and me holding A7 suited and only 2200 chips...OH MY GOSH IM NEXT UP IN THE QUEUE!!!!

It seemed like a good spot to shove...to pick up close to 700 chips, or 33% of my stack...and limping for 200? Whats he going to call 2000 with? Oh but lets not be mislead...he did call. And turns over 66. Hmmm. Okay. Hi Justina...would you please let me hit one of my two overs please? Ughhhhhmmm...no sir. Instead I am going to flop him a 6. Oh! Okay. Good night now! Nice call sir.

So I go log 4 hours of live action..in my never ending quest to hit 15 hours of live play for the week...thus enabling me to play Sunday's 10k freeroll, which I am really hoping that like 7 people show up for! I played Omaha $4/$8 HI/LO....and while I relatively enjoyed the game...I would go from 400 to 300, back to 400...down to 120....up to 300...hover, hover, hover....mini rush up to 480.....down to 200...back to 340....down to 280.....annnnnnnnnd.....goodbye!

Mr. AOL was just ZERO help. They are acknowledging problems on their server...so obviously my $11.99 a month isn't going to make my live any easier.

Reader comments. Okay where to start. We shall start with the tipping thing. To answer the question...."am I cheap if I tip $1 for a bottle of water?"

NO! $1 for ONE bottle of water is fine...and often what I tip...sometimes $2 if I am feeling nice. I am referring to the guy who wants 2 or sometimes THREE bottles all at the same time. No...that guy needs to give $2 minimum. And any random soft drink also qualifies for just a buck. But any cocktail? $2 minimum...and folks I am telling you this for your own good. Because if you want to see that girl come back any time soon? A buck aint gonna get it done. Oh and since we are on the subject of how to treat waitresses...let me let you in on a little secret. They love when you say 'please' and 'thank you' and they hate it when you say 'gimme' or 'bring me'....okay? And another thing...they can't stand being called "COCKTAIL!" or "WAITRESS!" Its nice, and a bit classy, to make an attempt to learn their name...and addressing them as such. Or a simple, 'Miss, I'm sorry, if you have time, can I give you my order?'

Another thing about them. If you see them and they have a tray FULL of drinks? That means they are delivering drinks at the moment. Don't be so insistent on placing an order with them. Because they are in DROP OFF MODE! Its not all about you dude! Or you can say something like this (one of my favorites) "Oh shoot, I missed you on your last time around...when you are done dropping off, can I please order something from you dear?" That line has a 98% success rate. The other 2% are just straight up bitches. Fuck them.

On a recent trip to Atlantic City...this guy kept shouting across the room to the waitress. "Hey! Cocktail! Hey COCKTTTTAIL!!!! Hey waitressssss!!!" Finally after about half an hour of that...she finally yelled back to him from about 5 tables away...."Hey CUSTOMER! Whatd'ya need!???" It was hilarious. Even more funny if you saw the stupid look on his face.

To the guy who tried to pull off some macro-economics on the drink/per hour tip/per hour wage scenario...actually you were way off. You were stating $1 per customer...on a tray that ALWAYS has 15 drinks...and they average 1 trip every 20 minutes...for a $45 an hour average. Pfffft. Hardly man. First of all, I would like to see someone count out 15 drinks on a girls tray every time. VERY RARE. The average is about 9. And she will often times spend...on average....7 to 9 minutes getting that order together...then go to the service bar...where she is forced to wait behind other waitresses to get her drinks made. That could be anywhere from 3 to 8 more minutes...as there is usually just one service bartender...who has to make drinks for anywhere from 5 to 10 different waitresses. And then at least another 10 to 12 minutes to drop off all those drinks. So you are looking at an average trip of 20-25 minutes...and an average of 9 drinks per tray. And you forgot to factor in the jerkoffs who don't tip at ALL! We call it an average of $30 an hour...which is often times being generous. So if the girl works 8 hours...she earns $240. Oh, plus her $2.35 an hour, which after taxes, always equals about $7. At the end of the night she has to tip out 15% to the bartender. So, okay...she just walked about 20 miles over the last 8 hours...dealt with some of the rudest, stinkiest people on the planet...while destroying her body...coming home with tired hands, feet, legs, shoulders...to make what? $180 to $200 a night on average. Which is maybe $1000 a week. $4000 a month. $48,000 a year. Does anyone think $48,000 a year, for that kind of work is good?

The way some people act in there, they think all the waitresses are driving Ferrarri's and living in mansions. Think about that when you leave the girl a $1 tip for your dirty martini with 4 olives...not 3....and really, really chilled by special request. If every one of you would leave them just $2 instead of $1...think of the difference that would make in a year?

Okay enough on the waitress subject.

Lets go to the 'People who show their hand' category. I have written about this a lot in years past...because it happens a lot more than you would think. I, for one...am one of the deepest believers in Karma that you will find. If I have a player sitting next to me who is showing his hand, and doing it a lot...I ALWAYS tell that player...and I tell them right away. In the case of the noob (new player) the other night...I told him very early...that not only was he showing his hand, but that in the future he would be told by some dealer (not the one tonight because its Jimmy Somerfeld's daughter and she is new and still learning) that he can't pull his cards up off the table like he is doing. And I don't want it to put him on tilt when it does happen, so I am just telling him so he will not be surprised when he IS told. So...when he continued to show his hand...and it was getting near 'crunch time'...sorry, I had done my part...and when I am just sitting there...and BOOM...there it is...him showing me KJ when I have KQ suited....uh...its kind of hard, when he raises at cutoff, to just not do something. I mean...what is the proper thing there. Um...sir, again, you have shown me your hand, after I warned you...and I have you beat...so I am re-raising you! Or do I say...gosh, I just saw your hand again...and even though I have you totally dominated, I'm just gonna fold because it just wouldnt be right for me to bust you, knowing what you have!

Look, its your responsibility to protect your hand. I protect MINE! And I don't go out of my way trying to see your hand. Little extend-a-mirror taped to my elbow...giving me the sneek-a-peek angle of attack!!! No no, none of that. I can only do so much to help these people...and then I'm just being stupid.

Ughhh....what the next comment? Oh...our little anonymous friend has replied again. Once again telling me I have no balls. That I can't post his message cuz I am a coward. Oh yeah, thats me, the coward. In fact, if I were to take off my shirt, I would let you see the yellow stripe that runs down my back. Its impressive. Dude of the ridiculous, time-wasting, bitter-boy inspired messages.....really? What is your purpose on this planet? I think my favorite is when you go this route:

OH WOW! Another small time win. For a whopping $2k. That your backer gets 60% of! That leaves you just enough to pay your bar tab! Wow! Your a real amazing pro!

Ahem, Mr. Douchebag. I must say...this week, at the IP...I have won a total of $6000. Yes...my backer gets 60%. So how much have I won? Well, according to my math...$2400. In a week. My bills for one month? About that. If I lose every single tournament I play this month? How much will it cost me? ZIPPO! No makeup for this Monkey. Oh...and another thing, my backer? If I was a real loser, like I suspect YOU are...she basically just trusts whatever I tell her I am playing in. The only PROOF she has that I have cashed is those tourneys who report on Cardplayer.com. So hypothetically, I could have told her I lost all week, and she'd be none the wiser. And then...would you be impressed with my $6k pull? Well...since I am more interested in pleasing my backer...and keeping myself backed...as I have, with this same backer now for 2 years, which is very LONG in this business of poker-backing...I will continue to NOT be a weasel and hide shit from her. Because whether its $2400, or $24,000.....what comes around, goes around. And as long as I manage my bankroll, and continue to win a little here and there...you will notice that I can keep showing up for tourneys...whether the buy ins are $200, $300, $500, $1000, or sometimes more. It is a successful formula that has been working for me now for 6 years. See, I am not here to impress you. Hell, you can't even sign your name to an email...but you would have us all think you are something amazing. Calling me silly names like Giligan and Fruitcake? What is that all about? Am I supposed to get offended? Well, sorry to disappoint you...but I merely am laughing AT you when I am reading your unpublished/unpublishable comments. The reason I am not publishing them has nothing to do with being afraid. Its simply in that your comments have nothing to offer anyone. Its just your way of making yourself feel like a bully. And as I said before...you are just a sad, sad, pitiful human being. I suspect you got picked on a lot as a kid and teenager. Maybe you need some counseling.

I did think your allegation that the reason I have been banned from 'so many' (the current tally on casinos I cant play in BTW is two) casinos is because of the amount of 'trinkets' I carry around (Monkey Beads, Raising Monkey, Ante Monkey, and the two Swarovski crystal monkeys) with me. I have NO IDEA where you came up with that. Hmmmm.....ummm, sir you have too much Monkey Paraphenalia, we are going to have to ask you to leave and never come back! Maybe your real problem is that I actually have an identity. I didn't have to TRY to become 'Monkey.' It wasn't something I forced down people's throats because I 'thought it would be cool.' No, see, I was labeled "Monkey" in 1997...while going around to pick up the weekly NFL picksheets from one of the bartenders up in Atlanta. See I started running sports pools about 15 years ago. One of them had me running from bar to bar on Friday night to get everyone's picks for that week. And one bartender...when I would walk in...would say..."Hey guys! The pool monkey is here...I need your sheets!" And from there, it kind of took off. Being tall, and having excessively long arms that nearly drag on the ground...and a level of exciteability that at times would give the appearance of being a bit monkey-like probably hasnt hurt contribute to that either.

I am asked quite often "where did Monkey come from" and usually tell the story, without trying to make it too long-winded. Yeah...I thought the 'Pool Monkey' label was kind of cool...so I just started an email address incorporating that name for all my Pool-related business, which I still use today. Then, when I went to run a guy's small wine distributorship in Atlanta...well, I became the WineMonkey. Kept that title, or email address, when I was working at Southern Wine and Spirits in Pensacola from '02 to '04. And when I quit to play poker full time...I was asked by more than a few people..."So, are you going to be the Poker Monkey now?" Well....yeah! I am I guess! And so...I got ThePokrMnky as a screename on Pokerstars...and found this cool gold monkey at an antique shop up in Florence, Alabama that a friend of Squirrel's owned...that was just a decoration, not even for sale...just let me have it...and the Poker Monkey was born. I really haven't had to TRY very hard to BE the Monkey...I just kind of am. More dealers and players call me Monkey than call me Will. I think a lot of them don't even KNOW my name is Will. And that is fine.

So for you to try and insult me by bashing my monkeys that I bring to the table...good luck. Those monkeys are a part of me. They make me happy. They bring me confort, and confidence. And like I said...I just think it kills you that I have an identity I didn't have to pay for. Hell, I even like to hand out nicknames to guys. Some of them like em...and a few of them don't. Rick "Rooster" Rudloff LOVED his...and ended up with a bunch of trinkets. Hell, it was perfect. He LOOKS a bit like a rooster...and if you ever see him bust out...the way he walks around...cocking his head...cluck cluck clucking about how he got knocked out...hell  you would swear he WAS a rooster! I just put "Crash" on Kenny Milam not too long ago, after a succession of Taxi cab disasters in New Orleans...and he digs it. Part of the game is having some kind of goofy name people can use to identify you, or set you apart. It makes it more fun. After all, poker is a game. Games should be fun. They shouldn't be full of asshole haters like YOU, Mr. Anonymous.

Without looking I forgot what other comments were out there...and frankly, its getting late and I have other stuff to do before I go and try to beat 15 of Biloxi's finest in tonight's $200 tourney with 1k added at the I.P. resort and casino tonight. And if I lose? Hey...then I lose...and I will then go log some time in the cash room, so I can play that 10k freeroll on Sunday. Hey man...things might not have gone perfect, or the way I wanted this week....but under the circumstances...I think I made the most of it!

Monkey