Top 10: Poker Pet Peeves

AS PROMISED....MONKEYS TOP TEN POKER PET PEEVES....in no particular order, because if heavily violated in one instance..it could quickly rise from deep on the list to the top!

#1. THE MIN RAISE. It infuriates me. It is the dumbest bet in poker. You are merely inviting the bad beat. Players make this play with AA. A lot. Then a guy like me will call with ANY TWO CARDS because we hate the min raise, and because we understand that you are 55/45 against any random hand with any two cards. Freaky. But true. And I LOVE to punish the min raiser. The min raiser loves to get all pissed off too when they get cracked. Hey...you wanna live by the MIN RAISE!??? You can DIE BY THE MIN RAISE! When Its REALLY stupid is when, say....7 limpers come in...and THEN they min raise. Do they EXPECT ANYONE to fold? Do they EXPECT to win this hand? I hope not. Because they rarely do. I will say there IS one good time to min raise...and even then...not MIN raise...but...say at 50/100 making it 225. If you happen to get REAL lucky (yeah, it happens SO often) and chip up to like 4x the average early in a tourney...and then you are picking up hands like AK, QQ, JJ, 1010, AJ suited....and you are looking at 50/100 blinds..what good is it going to do raising 300 and getting a walk? You have 40k in chips and you won a $150 chips. THAT is when I like to raise $225. I want action on my big hands....trying to win a DECENT pot that can do SOMETHING for me. If I feel like I got outflopped I can easily get away from it. That's the thing, you have to be willing to fold if you think you are behind...and not be tempted to use your big stack to strong arm your opponent. Because bottom line..if they outflopped you...they ARENT folding. No matter what!

#2. SHOWING THE BLUFF. I really, really hate this play. And the guys who argue for its virtues...I really pretty much hate them too. It, to me, is a jackass play make by jackass players. All you are doing is setting yourself up for a bad beat later. The guy shows a unsuited 2-7 after re-raising a guy who raised with 99 in late position. THe guy with 99 wants to stab the guy now. So later on...the guy with 99 raises with A-10 suited. The jackass bluff shower has a REAL hand this time...KK...and re-raises. Well...99 guy still wanting to kill this guy, frustratingly moves all in and gets snap called. We ALL know what happens next. An ACE flops, and BLUFF BOY gets all pissed off, calling the guy a donkey. And me? I sit there giggling like a little school girl. I just don't like to rankle my opponents. I think its classless. Showing a bluff to set someone up for later? Dude, why don't you just beat me with skill and class? If you bluffed me in a hand....hey...YOU BLUFFED AND WON...fold your fucking cards, take the pot...and feel proud.

#3 "Nice laydown" followed by muck. I hate this. If I made a nice laydown...and you are TELLING ME nice laydown....SHOW ME why it was a nice laydown. Dont fire your cards into the muck. Otherwise..don't say ANYTHING!

#4. Guys who chew gum, or have a toothpick or straw in their mouth. Why does this bother me so much? I don't know. Have thought about seeing a shrink about it. But it makes me crazy. I think the gum chewers are the worst. Sometimes you can actually spot a tell in the way they chew it at certain times in the hand. So in that regard it can be good. But it still makes me nuts while I am observing, even though I know I am about to take this clowns lunch!

#5. Chip riffling. The sound. AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!! It was the reason I suspect, that millions and millions of iPods have been sold. I admit I do not know how to chip riffle. Nor have I tried to learn. So its not riffle-envy. I simply hate it. I have offered guys money at the table if they will stop doing it.

#6. Guys sitting next to me who are getting a massage. First of all, they turn their chair around, which always IMMEDIATELY cuts your space in half. And then you have them digging their elbows into you. Sometimes you even get the massage girl bumping into you. I like my personal space. In fact I am a little neurotic about it. I hate crowded clubs. MUST have a TABLE when I am a club...for that reason alone. So when I am in a tourney...I want NO ONE up on my shit! GETTTT OFFFFFF MMMMEEEEE MANNNNNN!!!!!!

#7. Overbetting. This drives me bananas. However, its also a pretty good way to get a read on a guys hand. Still. It bugs me because it is so amateurish. Its not as big a deal in these 10K chip events though In fact its funny. A guy raises 25/50 blinds to 300 and you are pretty certain he is sitting there with good ol Big Slick and you have a pair of 4's. I call your stupid raise, sir. Flop comes A-4-9. Have a nice day DONKEY. NO WAY in HELL he is folding that hand for ANY PRICE. OR even better. Flop comes 8-3-2. He bets out 500. You raise to $1500 and watch that stupid look on his face as he mucks. MORON. Late in tourneys...guys with a TON of chips....raising 10x the blinds....then has a shortstack move all in...for an amount he CANT fold to now because of his retard bet....and he calls with like A8 suited and is looking at AA. HAHAHHA NICE BET JACKASS!

#8. Players who smell. And in that category, players who sit there and drop ass bombs at the table....over and over....and sitting there with that stupid "wasn't me" look on their face. HAVE SOME FUCKING CLASS and consideration you jerk! How do you sit there and NOT know you DONT stink? I mean...bro, how long has been, REALLY since you brushed your teeth and/or took a shower? honestly?
#9. Players who show up at tournament, or for that matter, a cash game session...SICK. You know, a cold, a flu, whatever. Sneezing all over the table. Coughing without covering their mouth! Its terrible. If you are really sick, do us ALL a favor, and STAY HOME! I have been on trips where I got sick...and I will stay in my room and play online until I feel like I am not a threat (healthwise) to my fellow players. Whenever I have to sneeze, I always pull my shirt up over my face before I do it. Poker rooms are already a germ factory as it is...with the cards, the chips....being touched over and over by all those hands. Leave your illnesses at home! VERY UNCOOL!

#10. CALLING CLOCK. This should have been higher up on my list, actually. I will almost NEVER call clock on another player. Its a class thing. It takes a LOT for me to do it. About the only time I WILL do it, is if I am in a TIME DROP cash game...and a guy is taking an eternity EVERY hand. And for bet amounts that are a joke. THEN..YEAH I will call clock. I have only called clock ONCE in a tourney. It was at the IP event..this past spring. We were either down to two tables or maybe it was the final table...so the blinds were getting very large. This kid, it was his first final table ever, I think...and he must have thought he was on TV. EVERY hand was like a paper vs. plastic times 10 decision. Finally I SNAPPED. I could see his hand! He had 47 offsuit...and the button had raised. I was like dude..."This is RIDICULOUS! You aren't CALLING WITH THAT SHIT...you aren't even thinking about it! FUCKNG CLOCK!" I have had guys call clock on ME when I was in there for my tournament life...when they weren't even in the hand! (case in point, you short little punk bastard from the IP tourney last fall who has a lifetime bounty from me...you KNOW who you are)
So, the bottom line is this. If you aren't in the hand...and a guy has a MAJOR decision to make that is going to cost him dearly, give him a little consideration as you would want them to give YOU...and shut your pie hole! Anyone calls CLOCK ON ME....I swear to god....you are ALMOST AUTOMATICALLY getting a $100 bounty (more if I'm running good and already don't like you) placed on your ass!!!!

I'm sure there are probably a couple that I left out, and I will probably think of them tonight when I am at the Beau trying to go back-to-back final tables. One good thing about time, it allows you to always think of things you forgot!!!! I am really looking forward to this upcoming event at the Beau Rivage...lets hope we can all get along and not do anything stupid, like violate ANY of these TOP TEN PET PEEVES of MINE!!!!!!! And hey...if you have your OWN pet peeves, I would LOVE to hear them...if for no other reason...to make me laugh! I always need a good laugh now and then.

MONKEY

ThePokerMonkey1@aol.com