OMG! OMG!! OMG!!!! Why do I ever LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!!!

Okay! Wow! Something good has come of this already! I have learned how (I think, barring some shitstorm that is forthcoming) how to do the thing where I stick pictures in, then text, then pictures, then more text...without having to have all the damn pictures all showing up at the top of the page!

Before I get started...just walked in the door. Opened the sliding glass door, in come the dogs...with MUD all over their feet. Awesome! As if I am not pissed off enough at what just made me pick up my chips and money from the 1/2 table at the Beau and drive home thinking to myself..."Do I even WANT to try and write a blog tonight? Or should I just go home...fire up a bowl (of Cocoa Puffs!)...get on PS3, kill some terrorists...and see how I feel tomorrow?" No! Cuz now I have to remove about 12 to 15 paw prints from the carpet! Oh wait, I wasn't even going THERE...no no...where I was going was here! Ready?

I turn on the TV...and on TBS is a movie that in 5 million years (if I was EVER unfortunate to live on this planet that long. Oh by the way...on that subject, there is a VERY good reason why God gave us a life expectancy of 60-80 years. Seriously. WHO IN THE HELL would ever, honestly...WANT to put up with the bullshit we humans put up with for any more than that? I mean, yeah...there are those people who are just WAAAAAYYYY TOOOOO happy...who you have to think are either (a) heavily medicated or (b) just ridiculously and annoyingly happy. Those people need to stay about 4 miles away from me at ALL times! Please! Thank you! Wow that was maybe the longest statement ever put between two parentheses!) I would never travel to a theater and spend any amount of money, I don't even care if the movie tickets were $1 with a free bucket of heavily buttered popcorn...it just would never happen! What is that movie you ask? Well...lets just say this; there is an actor who on occasion makes a pretty funny film. He makes a good 'character' actor at times. But there is a limit to his range. I am currently watching a movie called 'Nacho Libre.'

[and by the way, back on the subject of life expectancy...who REALLY got screwed over were dogs. Dogs are awesome. And they only live 10-15 years typically. What kind of BS is that? I kind of think God could have let dogs live 30 to 40 years and maybe trimmed the humans life down to 50 to 60. I would be okay with that as a compromise.]

Um....hmmmm. Here's the thing. Once upon a time, I lived in a city called Los Angeles. It was 12 years ago. I was sort of in the television production business. Occassionally I would get temp jobs working on movie lots. Sometimes, I would be working in offices that represented actors. It was quite interesting and sometimes exciting. Often times I would meet a ravishingly hot female model slash actress trying to climb the ladder and with my gift of gab was able to convince her that I was capable of 'maybe being able to help' her in her goals, thus leading to some very fantastic nights for Senor Monkey before the Monkey was the Monkey.

I believe the date was approxiamately November 12th, 1998 when I did a very stupid thing. I let the stripper from the Gold Club in Atlanta, who for some reason I had convinced myself that I was in love with...who I had moved into a house with, who I had given access to all of my money (shared bank accounts-of which she cleaned out all but $12 of) who I had somehow allowed to have me thrown in jail twice for complete BS (in Cobb County...if you are a cute little stripper, and you are mad at your boyfriend, just call the cops and tell them he is either 'threatening you' or 'stalking you' and you will almost POSITIVELY, 100% end up in jail. Oh it doesn't matter if the stalking is you emailing her, or if the 'threatening her' is you trying to hold her arms down when she is throwing dishes at you! No no...cuz in Cobb County, if you have your woman covered by 6 inches or more in heighth...you're SURELY guilty of domestic violence!) and who I had said to myself..."Will, no way man...NO WAY do you let yourself move back to ATLANTA...DONT DO IT! I don't care how nice her breasts are! I don't care how sexy her voice is. Resist! Resist!" I somehow allowed myself to do it anyway. To get in my car....and drive all the way, cross country...back to fuh-reeeeking Atlanta. Atlanta. That...that....oh I am not even going there. That city where I would wallow, and fester...and sink lower and lower in...watching my relationship with her go to shit in another year or two.

[on another little side note, had I not come back to Atlanta...chances are pretty good I would have never went to Biloxi with my buddy Jeff Giraldi, where I went on to meet a hot little cocktail waitress with the sweetest country accent and the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. So...thanks Hannah, you ...oh wait...we made our peace on Facebook recently, I won't call her a nasty name. Thats not nice. She's now a mother of 3.]

What I did was walk out on opportunity. I was getting somewhere. I had a future in the film business. I was working part time at E! I had just gotten an opportunity to go to work for the Playboy Channel. (yeah, that would have SUCKED, huh!???) Hell, I could be the real-life Ari Gold right now, maybe. I surely wouldn't have fallen into poker, so I don't know...I have mixed emotions. But back to the point...which has really taken on a life of its own now...and now, there has actually begun another really fucking stupid movie..."Beverly Hills Ninja." Although I find almost anything with the late Chris Farley to be ridiculously hilarious.

Here is the thing. I would on a daily basis see stacks and stacks of screenplays while I was out there working in LA. I mean, you have NO IDEA how many good writers there are out there. So one day...some producer is sitting at his desk, and he gets a phone call...."Hey dude, I have this screenplay I really think you should read!" Now this is someone who is almost ALWAYS putting their reputation on the line when they make this phone call. So when you somehow manage to find yourself in front of a movie screen and/or a television set and a movie like "Nacho Libre" shows up ...you have to ask yourself, "How the f-u-c-k did THAT conversation go" that resulted in this becoming a movie?

I can really understand why other cultures see American movies and utter such phrases as "Stupid fucking Americans." Or "These people, they are retards!" Yeah, see, I don't allow myself to get sucked into retard comedies, like those put out by Jim Carrey. People who think Jim Carrey or guys like Carrot Top, Steve Martin or Robin Williams (in his non-dramatic roles) are funny...are people I don't even want to be in the same zip code with. Oh by the way...if you GOOGLE 'comedic actors' it will pull up the Top 100...R.Williams is #6 (weird) J.Carrey is #11 and S.Martin is #9. Senor Carrot Top is a no-show. Really!?? A no show? After his cameo snap shot photo in the limo at the end of 'The Hangover'??? And who is #1 you ask? Peter Sellers? Huh? Whatever.

This commercial with Roni Deutsch? However you spell it? The dyke attorney who runs those annoying damn commercials late at night? I would like to see a piano fall on her head!

I am getting closer and closer to getting into tonight's action at the Beau Rivage...which is about to be re-named, by me. You know what 'Beau Rivage' MEANS right? Beautiful Shore. Interesting. Anyone want to help me out with a new name? I have a few ideas...but I am very interested in starting a fun little 'RENAME THAT PLACE' contest right here on my blog.


I have come to the conclusion that the dealers at the Beau Rivage need something to make them appreciate their jobs a little more. I am not totally sure what that 'something' would be. 4 years ago...the dealers at the Grand were kind of having this same sort of 'state of being' that the dealers at the Beau seem to be mired in. And when I say...THE DEALERS AT THE BEAU....I of course do not mean ALL of them. There are obvious exceptions. I will, however...say, the majority of the ones I interacted with tonight.

This point of observation comes from someone who has been gone from the place ALL SUMMER! Sure, I came home from Vegas and stepped foot in there for one very short evening. But when you have been out of town for the better part of 3 months, and come home and witness what I witnessed, it is VERY obvious that there are issues that require something to happen. Something....to...happpen....hmmmmm. Lets see, its a bad economy right? People need their jobs right? Now, more than ever? Aren't all these things true? I thought they were. 4 years ago...it was this thing called Hurricane Katrina. That shook things up a bit didn't it? People sure did find out then how much they missed their jobs, didn't they? Funny how when things opened up a year later how EXCITED and PLEASANT they were when they went to work everyday.

I really am not in the mood to deal with another freaking hurricane. Or to have to witness the death and destruction that ensued. But I would like something drastic to happen that would make these people act, well...like us poker players are something other than a fucking inconvenience to have to deal with every day.

These are people (well, except for one, who by the way, REALLY should repay the $300 you borrowed from a fellow poker player...not me.... THREE months ago!) who I actually LIKE on a personal level. But as dealers? Hmmmm...not so much. Let me stress something here, in five years of playing live and online...I have played close to 4 million hands (not making this up. You can get PokerStars to send you a total hand audit, and then just estimate on the live play). That is a lot. I have witnessed almost every bad beat imagineable. I have seen almost every floor ruling you can imagine. I have observed almost every dealer 'style' that is out there. I would have to say that I have a pretty good understanding of the game. So...when something happens at the table, something ridiculous, with the blinds....lets call it 1500/3000, and when you make a 'friendly recommendation' and the dealer responds with..."I've been dealing now for 15 years honey, I don't think I need any tips!" well...I just have to sit back, take a deep breath, and ask myself....WOW! REALLLLLY!???

What happened? Hand #1. Dealer likes to pitch to the players' hand. Which, according to my friends who are what I would call 'good' dealers, is not a great idea. Why? Cards tend to find their object and climb up the object, i.e. their hand! Thus exposing themself to other players. So..when you are in the BB...shortstacked (not me, folks...no bias here) and the dealer pitches one that hits your index finger and turns over..and, "Oh Hey!" its the Ace of spades...thus creating a misdeal...you might be a bit irritated. Dealer responds with..."Gosh, sorry sweetie." Yeah....mmmm....no problem...SWEEEETIE! Then, on the very NEXT hand...same dealer, shoots my card (in the SB) off the top of my thumb...and exposing yet another card...creating ANOTHER misdeal...with, oh yeah...the blind levels being only 20 minutes long. I now feel compelled to say something to her. In a very polite tone...I say "Just some free advice here...I think if you pitch to the side where their hand is not sitting, you might not keep exposing cards." Seemed pretty harmless to me. IVE BEEN DEALING FOR 15 YEARS!!!! Yeah? Well, I know a lot of people who have been driving for 20 years and still manage to total a car every year or two.

Then...the one that really pissed me off. Sometime last year, I very nicely asked one of the floor supervisors to do something as a service to the tournament players. I've also asked them at other venues to which I travel regularly. Please...when the dealers come in to push another dealer, if the level is within 1:30 of being over...and the blinds are about to go up, or we are about to go on break...can you please have the pushing dealer wait? "Sure Monkey...that sounds like a good idea. I will let them know." This summer at the Venetian...they honored that. It was great. Well, at the Beau when I asked (6 months or so ago), they also said they would start doing that. Sometime in March I think...down to 3 tables or something, I asked a dealer...who I didn't see tonight (thank god, cuz he makes me irritated just seeing his face!) to please wait for the 1:15 to expire before pushing in...and he totally ignored me. Didn't say no, just fucking ignored me. I pretty much freaked out that night (in my head people, in my head)!

Well, tonight, with 1:25 left...here comes the dealer push. I ask, once again...if he will please wait to push in. "I can't." What? "Well, when I asked a tourney floor person about it several months ago, I was told they would start doing this for us". His reply? "We don't go by YOUR clock! We go by a different clock." Oh? Really? That would be the clock of "Fuck You Monkey!???"

Now, the thing is...I get it...see they push every 30 minutes. And for some reason...that 1 and a half minute delay is going to REALLLLLY fuck things up, isnt it? But instead of saying something like..."Hey, I understand your concern on that, can I ask if its okay?" Sure! That would be fine! Not...the reaction they give you....long face...monotone reply...followed by the FUCK YOU outcome. How miserable are these people? Like...when I do win at this place...what the hell is my motivation to tip these malcontents?

I can't tell you how many times my freaking wife responds to these stories with comebacks like "Sweetie, they arent trying to be rude to you, they like you." If she tells me one more time that so and so really likes me...then they give me a 5 dose helping of attitude, I swear...I am going to eat my damn flip flops. Bottom line...I am really getting sick of it!

Cue the next topic. Boy this entry is becoming long. Whatever. FINE! Got a lot to say. And somewhere on my PS3 are terrorists needing to be killed that I still haven't gotten to. And oh...great...there goes the garage door opener...Squirrel is home. You know this ... and if you happen to miss that sound, both dogs confirm it when they go flying off the bed and bust a move to the kitchen door to welcome her home. Its so funny. Nothing like walking through that door and seeing both of them standing there...tails wagging, Mollie jumping up and down about three feet in the air. I love dogs. I wish I would find a magic lamp...rub it...have a Genie pop out...grant me 3 wishes. That is so easy.

Wish #1. 100 million dollars. That should be enough.
Wish #2. Let me live the next 40 years without ONE single physical ailment.
Wish #3. The planet has 6 billion people on it. Turn 5 billion of them into dogs.

World peace? Please. Like that will ever happen. Universal Health Care? Get real. A cure for cancer? Pffft. The medical profession makes too much off the simple treatment of cancer for that to ever happen. Nope, those three are perfect.

DONE. The world, my world...is now perfect!

Oh yeah. Back to cueing my next topic. Got an interesting email from a friend the other day. Seems they have hired a new Poker Tournament Director at the I.P. Someone we all know pretty well. In case its a secret, I won't reveal the name here. However, this friend suggested I email the head guy over there and maybe float some ideas. He gave me his email address. So...I did. Sent him a 'see if he gives a shit' email first. He immediately emailed me back, asking for my thoughts. Okay. So I wrote him back. Threw out a lot of good ideas. For daily/nightly tourneys during the week. For future events as well. I will go on the record as saying that I don't really CARE who gets the most business. I really don't. Obviously, if I had to choose, I would much rather see the Beau Rivage running great events every day, since my wife works there, and frankly I really love the casino in general. I just enjoy walking in there.

What I do care about is where there is GOOD poker. Where the tourney directors hear what WE players are looking for, and try to appease us. This whole...you will TAKE THIS structure and LIKE IT attitude needs to change. And so, if I can find someone who is eager to take the steps necessary to build a product that is almost guaranteed to succeed, and is willing to entertain those ideas...well, then I am (of course) willing to support them in that task.

Now, I am a huge OPPONENT of the whole 'competing in the same time slot' with each other move that so many casinos like to seem to get wrapped up in. It is SO fucking idiotic. IP was doing it for awhile with the Beau a couple years ago. Ceasers tried that shit again this summer with Venetian, and got the living crap kicked out of them. When someone finally FIGURES OUT that the smart thing to do is run your tourneys an hour or two on the heels of other tourneys...you stand to increase your player field by 20 to 30%. While not hurting the other casino, if anything, HELPING the other casino.

[Something I learned 15 years ago when I owned a bar in Atlanta's very crowded section of town called Buckhead. The stupid bar owners there tried to run promotions and do things that would keep people from going to the other bars. Totally moronic strategy. Buckhead was a place where you would drive to, park, and walk around. Similar to Ybor City down in Tampa Bay. You wanted to attract as many people as possible to the AREA..thus, you tried to work WITH the other bars. Me and my partners did this, and it was VERY successful. It sort of applies in the arena of poker as well]


Furthermore...if you give those players a GREAT structure...some might even choose to skip that earlier tourney altogether. So they have their choice if they are loyal to a particular casino. There is a lot of potential in this town to absolutely kick ass in tourney poker for the casinos. It is NOT rocket science.

I see that the Beau tweaked their structures a little bit for this upcoming event. I was glad to see that. Its a start. And its going to make the event better. But its not anything that is going to cause all the players to just spontaneously break out in song and dance....with glee...but it will at LEAST be better than that abortion they just ran up north.

Speaking of that nightmare...congrats to a couple guys I like a lot. Jeremy Gaubert...'aka the Chemist' who I met through Bryan Lanoix...and who seems to just destroy online poker...won that bitch. I have had Jeremy at my table a few times in the last year. Very, very quiet guy. Yeah. We are polar opposites. I like the guy though. Good player. And Chris Moneymaker, who I chatted with quite a bit in that last week up there...just steamrolled his way to the Final Table...ended up taking 3rd...and my good buddy Chad Brown...who got 2nd billing behind his wife Vanessa Rousso while up there, played very solid poker and finished 4th for a nice little 48k score. Lot of people I like and respect did well up there...so that's at least nice. For them. Anxious to do dinner with Chad and Vanessa with Squirrel in a couple weeks. Chad's always good for some interesting dinner conversations!

Ohhhhhh isnt this nice! I am watching 'World News Now' anchored by two ding-bat moron broads...who both seem like they have a combined IQ of 67 and a total of maybe a year in the journalism industry...who have decided to address the topic of Rick Pitino cheating on his wife....SIX YEARS AGO....admitting it (mainly because he is ducking a 10million dollar lawsuit by the bitch trying to blackmail his ass!) and now having to deal with these fucking losers doing these polls...."Should Rick Pitino be allowed to keep his job!???" WHAT THE FUCK!? He is a Damn BASKETBALL COACH! He isnt a preacher! Or a politician! (yeah, like THAT even matters anymore!) Or a ...hell I don't know. WHO CARES!??? Some whiny ass responses just cracked me and Squirrel up...thank God we both agree on this one!...."Hes a mentor and a role model...he should be fired to set an example." Huh? Mentor? Role model? He is in charge of a multi-million dollar basketball MACHINE...that recruits some of the top players in the country...who are not going there to be MENTORED, or to become better human beings! You fucking idiots! They are going there because they want to be in the NBA you dumbasses! They are on TV constantly. They play in the NCAA tourney. They play before a packed house. You think these thugs give a shit if their coach is banging some piece of strange behind his wife's back? If anything...they probably think more of him, which is kind of sad....yet true. "Yo dog...wasssup wassssup! Saw you wit that nice piece of trim last nice, playa! Good loookin out coach!"

Then they follow up that retarded poll with a 'special segment' that features this 'cute' (their words not mine) little black kid all dressed up in a suit (about 10 or 11 btw) who's 'dream' is to interview the President. Of course it is. So he gets his wish. Not sure where they found this kid...he talks like he might have missed all of his English classes for the last 3 or 6 years. At least half of them. So he struggles through his 3 very scripted questions...and its very OBVIOUS he isn't even LISTENING to Obama's response...merely waiting for him to quit talking so he can ask the next one...maybe the most ridiculously staged 'interview' I've ever seen in 42 years of breathing this planet's oxygen. Then...at the end...he comes out with this gem. "Now that I have interviewed you...can we be homeboys?" Yeah. No shit. Homeboys. Uh...yeah...sure thing 'homey!!!' Wow, I'm so proud to be an American.

I've concluded that I would much rather write on here and NEVER talk about poker. Poker talk makes me irritated and usually hostile. Especially when I get around to tonight. Talking about this other shit....well, it pretty much makes me forget why I was so pissed off while driving home tonight. Yeah, think its safe to say that I have repressed this evening. Ahhh...but lurking below what I am typing are these pictures I have already uploaded. So....shit! Lets do this!

Last night...I play on Pokerstars. For hours. Long story short. I lost around $300. At one stretch I bubbled....no no...didn't go out 3 or 4 from the money...FUCKIN BUBBLED...4 out of 5 sngs. And oh...on EVERY hand I was ahead. It was another typical online poker shitstorm. I HATE online poker. I hate the assholes who play on there. I hate the horrible play. I hate the inevitably horrible outcomes. I hate the various holes in my walls and the shattered mouse(s) that lie around my home. While I was playing online...Squirrel had gotten off early and was losing $300 at the IP playing $1/$2. Great night for the home team.

So tonight, I decide...'Hey! Lets go to the Beau Rivage and play that $120 donkfest!' Why not. I go. I get there ON TIME! Yeah! ME! Well, with 20 minute levels, you sort of HAVE to be on time. Plus, they only let you in for 20 minutes...which, I'm sorry, is retarded. No clue why they don't take regristration for at LEAST two levels, and realistically three, especially with 20 minute levels. Wouldn't it be a good idea to TRY and get more than 50 players every night?

I draw a table which has Me, Kai Landry...and two other good players...then 3 assbandits and 2 unknowns. Good player (well, 6x in level 2?) raises from 50/100 to 600 behind 5 limpers. Hmmmm....wow. I have 10-10. Those troublesome 10's again. I call. I flop a nice one. Q-10-8. Rainbow. I check. He bets 1000. I raise to 2500. He flats it. (later tells me he was going to move all in. DAMN!) 9 on the turn. Ick! Not a good turn card. I check. He checks. Interesting. River is harmless. A three. I bet 1000. Kind of a weird bet, but whatever. He calls. AA. Nice. Then Kai gets a nice courtesy double up. Holding 44 against AGRO-aggressive AK boy...the flop comes AK4. Nice. See ya dude.

Then I get AA behind four 200 limpers. I make it 750. This guy who has been calling EVERY FUCKING raise calls again. (Kai has labeled this 'The Leg Humper'...pretty funny! A person, who no matter what you do, how much you raise, how often you raise...will never leave you alone.) Lovely. Other two fold. Flop comes 6 high...with two hearts. He checks. I bet 2k. He raises to 4k. Alright...fuck this clown. I have grown VERY sick of this guy already. I move in for another 10k. He sits there...hmmmm...okay, that feels like a flush draw. I tell him..."Go ahead man...chase your flush draw!" He calls. Turns over KK. Whoa. Huh? Didn't see THAT coming. Thankfully (thank you Michelle) he manages to NOT hit a K on me. Fat double up.

I get QQ to hold up later. I get JJ to hold up. Hmmm...things are looking good.
Then get moved to a new table. Pick up AA. Keep it short. Felt a guy with 88....for another 12k pot. And suddenly...with 35 players left...I am sitting on 60k in chips. Blinds are 600/1200. Things are looking pretty good. Kai comes back to my table.

SEE this guys face? Just in case you can't see him very well, I took a CLOSE UP! If you see this guy at your table...EVER...BEWARE! This guy is TRULY AWFUL! And what's equally horrifying, is that he knows it. He is proud of it. He won't deny it. Which is the most dangerous of ALL poker players, right!??? If he has an ACE...any ace...and there are still cards to come...he WILL NOT fold! Also, if he has a Q...same deal. That hat is wearing is a Kevin Harvick #29 hat. He's apparantly a NASCAR guy! These guys are really easy to play against. (sense the sarcasm there, its dripping wet!) This guy is one of those guys who all you fuckers keep saying things about..things like..."Monkey, c'mon dude, you WANT those guys in poker man!!!" Um...again, I will reiterate...NO MOTHERFUCKER..>NO I DO NOT NEED THESE JACKASSES IN POKER!!!!!



See this picture above? See the picture below? That would be Kai. Goooood 'ol Kai. See the body language? See the absence of chips? Mmmm...blinds are 400/800. Mr NASCAR limps in middle position with AJ. Interesting play sir. Kai gets a free flop in the BB with Kx. Flop comes...K-8-3 or something like that, rainbow flop. Kai bets out 1500. Dude calls. Kai must be concerned. Turn is a 10. Kai bets 6000. Obviously NOT concerned. GoGoHarvick....scratches his head...that usually means fold, right? Rubs his chin. Counts his chips...All classic signs when they are 'gonna fold.' Right? I'm looking at Kai...no idea where he is on this hand. Then...the genius calls. River? Well...duh...ace! This seem to be what I ran into online yesterday...about 19,003 times. Kai checks. Does fuckstick bet? No, why would he bet? He just made his hand! Better check it too! Retard. Kai then goes into this pose! Caught on film for all the world to agonize along with him!!!! Kai would end up going out 10th. Ugh....lucky for him we had swapped 20% when we both had a lot of chips.

Yes, Kai got whacked. But I had around 100k now. I fully intended to win this damn tourney. First place was $2100, with 72 players. Pretty good field. I wanted this damn thing. I raise with 88. Guy in the BB, old, demented and in love with ANY Queen like the other guy...INSTA-shoves! for....three times my raise. He turns over Q7. WHAT? "Um...Q-7 sir? Really?" What does he say? "I had no choice!" No choice? Where do these people come from? Flop? Nothing. For him. Turn? Nothing for him. River? How bout a fucking QUEEN!??? Jeezuz H christ! There goes 20k.






Do you see the stack below? This is what we call....A GOOD STACK. These stacks are fun to have in front of you. They are even more fun when they get bigger. This is what happens when you are somehow able to dodge idiots and assclowns. Somehow...when I am at the Beau Rivage...and especially in a nightly tournament...I am unable to do this. Do you see the smile on the Raising Monkey's face? He's excited, because he thinks he is about to be posing for another 'victory shot' tonight. But hey! He is about to get bitch slapped. Again! By the curse of POCKET ACES AT THE FINAL TABLE FOR MONKEY!






With 8 players left...and a whopping $350 to go out now...I watch as Harvick over there limps UTG for 4k. The guy on my left is still chipleader I think...but is burning chips like crazy by raising with shit hands and getting priced into calls against small stacks and watching people double up left and right thanks to him. So I am gathering momentum while he is losing it. When I look down at AA I think to myself..."Hmmm, self, this is the loosest, worst player at the table...do I want to just flat call here, and hope the guy on my left does something crazy preflop? Or should I just avoid a major disaster here and raise and take this down...or get a loose call from the moron and take even more?"


Yeah...better just play it smart. I raise...from 4k to 15k. BB folds. And our hero...he calls. Of course he does. Flop comes QQ4. Hmmm. Guess thats an okay flop. I hope. Maybe. I check, kind of hoping (I think) to induce a bet. Oh he bets alright. He bets ALL IN! He has managed to somehow accumulate 85k in chips through a recent flurry of suckouts. He's all in? Well jeezus what is that? He must think I have AK....and has some middle pair. Why would anyone go all in there with a Q in their hand? Well, here is the problem. I am not up against a GOOD player. I am up against a guy who just had a labotomy last week.

I call. And....of course, he has KQ offsuit. You gotta be kidding me. (*@#^@#$(*&$#(*&! Every goddddamn time! AA....right up my ass! Leaves me with a whopping 27k. Blinds going up to 4k/8k with 2k after break. Wonderful. Son of a BITCHCHHHHHH!



First hand back after break. I pick up AQ. I move in. Guy in the SB...calls. BB calls. This should be good. I completely miss everything...and at showdown...SB turns over...drumroll please...the ever infamous K10! Of course he does! Goooood 'ol King Ten! And I am out....8th.


I go pay Kai his $70. And that is when it happens. "Hey Monkey...come on, sit down...play some 1/2 for ahwile?" Why? So I can lose about $600? Cuz I know that is what will happen! So what do I do? I sit down. Lets see....okay, just for the record...BOB...who's last name I don't remember...but who plays a LOT of tourneys with me...and who I used to have NOTHING against...is now firmly imbedded on my shit list. I cannot WAIT for the next Beau event to start...cuz I know this guy will be there. I am going HUNTING for him. Every chance I get. When I raise...he doesnt fold. EVER. I have the misfortune of losing my first $125 to him...when I raise with Ac10c. He re-raises light. I call. Flop comes 10 high with two clubs. He bets out half the pot. He only has about $100 behind. I put him all in. He has JJ. It holds. FUCK! Fair enough. He was ahead.

There were several other hands I lost in very irritating fashion. And how many open-ended straight draws and/or flush draws I could miss in one night before setting a new record was kind of becoming my question of the year!


Then...the BIG ONE....vs. fucking BOB. I was getting NO respect on my raises...so...with BOB again straddling for $5...and five callers, I look down at AA. I raise to $25. Bob calls. Of course Bob calls. One other person called. The flop comes 2-3-5. Bob checks. Other guy checks. I bet $100. Bob goes all in...for $198. Other guy folds. What the fuck!??? I can't really fold now. I call. He has.....I'm not kidding....2-3. Yeah. DEUCE FUCKING THREE. And of course I can't hit a 5, an A or a 4 for the straight. That was it. Time to get the hell out of there. I kissed Kai goodnight (okay I punched him in the face!) said the very standard "Okay, everyone, thats its for me...have a nice night!"waltzed over to the counter...cashed out...and bolted for my car. Cursing Bob all the way home. And re-writing the lyrics to the current song I was hearing to mirror how I was feeling at the moment.



Why.....why in the HELLLLLLL...do I run so FUCKING bad in cash game? And especially at the Beau Rivage. Beautiful Shore. Pffffft. The shore is gross. The water is disgusting. Seems like a good place to go drown! Nice name. The players......ughh@!(&##&*(!@)((!*) this is what makes me HATE poker! Nights like this! Players like those. Luck like I have at the Final Table with aces. Dealers who make my skin crawl with irritation. I guess I am supposed to feel good because I made the Final Table on my first tourney back at the Beau in over three months, huh? Well, I don't. I really wanted to win that damn tourney. Whatever. Hope you enjoyed this novel. Its now 5am. I'm ridiculous!



Monkey